BAD ADVICE FOR THE FACULTIES

BAD ADVICE

For the Faculties

Aymen Sherwani

Voices Editor

SCHULICH SCHOOL OF ENGINEERING

Why are you so angry all the time? Most importantly, why is the majority of your anger projected at your one-sided rivalry with business students while also simultaneously looking down on every other faculty on campus? My advice for you is to relax, stop worshipping Overlord Elon Musk and maybe make some friends outside of your own faculty to give you some perspective. Oh and please for the love of God, stop wearing that plaid monstrosity of a scarf around campus. You look like a STEM field Harry Potter with a Napoleon complex.

HASKAYNE SCHOOL OF BUSINESS

If I told you that going to therapy was a good long-term financial investment, would you finally go? I know you’re going for the boss vibes and hustle culture, but really, the three-piece suits at 9 a.m. are giving validation issues, and a need to overcompensate for everything. Some of you are really nice people but the rest of you would likely sell your own mothers to Satan just to land an A+ in ACCT 343. My advice for you would be to stop taking your LinkedIn so seriously and to be a little more vulnerable with your own thoughts sometimes rather than filling the voids in your schedule with meaningless plans. Maybe then everyone’s hate towards you would be a little less warranted.

CUMMING SCHOOL OF MEDICINE

Why is it that whenever you see a health sciences student, it’s when they’re taking one of your course requirements as an options course? My advice for you would be to stop taking the courses I need to graduate just because you want a chance to spend some time on the main campus.

FACULTY OF KINESIOLOGY

Be honest — did you major in Kinesiology because you couldn’t get a seat in Health Sciences? Because really, why is there an entire faculty for people that are ultimately all trying to get into medical school like everyone else? I still don’t know what you do other than ask me how many reps I have left at the gym.

WERKLUND SCHOOL OF EDUCATION

You know what you want out of life, and clearly that means going to school just so you can go back to school and convince younger people that they should pay money to go to school too. The business students should honestly learn a thing or two from you on how to run a successful pyramid scheme. My advice for you would be to vote for the NDP this election unless you’re one of those teachers that genuinely enjoys low salaries, buying school supplies with your own money.

FACULTY OF SCIENCE

If there’s one thing people admire about the Faculty of Science, it’s the fact that it has range. You’ll either find the kindest and most attractive people, who somehow seem to be good at everything, or be met by a basement goblin that speaks in Python. My advice for you is to seriously re-evaluate whether you’re pursuing your major because you like it or because it’s just a hop, skip and a jump away from being a medical school hopeful. Because it’s either that or spending the rest of your life teaching 8th graders how to label a mitochondria.

FACULTY OF NURSING

Get ready for an entire year of nursing students telling you how they were essential during the pandemic. Yes okay, you all did a great job holding this country together by its threads, but I’ve never met a nursing student that wasn’t a little shady back in high school behind that bubbly facade. My advice to you would be to take the mask off — not the clinical one — and let everyone see who you really are, even though they might be scared of who they meet.

FACULTY OF ARTS

What’s it like walking into a room and thinking you’re the smartest person in there just because you’ve read all the famous dead white guy books? Newsflash — reading Plato’s works isn’t going to get you laid. If he was alive, he’d probably tell you that too. I would say that someone should knock your ego down a couple of notches, but your piling student debt combined with the bone-dry job market for arts majors will handle that just fine. And sure, you probably love taking classes that you find intellectually fulfilling, but let’s be honest, you’re probably going to take half an adderall and start that 12-page academic paper the day that it’s due anyway. My advice to you would be to come to terms with the fact that you’ll never be your parents’ favourite child.