IMPORTANT FACTS FOR BIKTARVY®
This is only a brief summary of important information about BIKTARVY and does not replace talking to your healthcare provider about your condition and your treatment.
(bik-TAR-vee)
MOST IMPORTANT INFORMATION ABOUT BIKTARVY
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF BIKTARVY
BIKTARVY may cause serious side effects, including:
BIKTARVY may cause serious side effects, including: Those in the “Most Important Information About BIKTARVY” section. Changes in your immune system. Your immune system may get stronger and begin to fight infections. Tell your healthcare provider if you have any new symptoms after you start taking BIKTARVY. Kidney problems, including kidney failure. Your healthcare provider should do blood and urine tests to check your kidneys. If you develop new or worse kidney problems, they may tell you to stop taking BIKTARVY. Too much lactic acid in your blood (lactic acidosis), which is a serious but rare medical emergency that can lead to death. Tell your healthcare provider right away if you get these symptoms: weakness or being more tired than usual, unusual muscle pain, being short of breath or fast breathing, stomach pain with nausea and vomiting, cold or blue hands and feet, feel dizzy or lightheaded, or a fast or abnormal heartbeat. Severe liver problems, which in rare cases can lead to death. Tell your healthcare provider right away if you get these symptoms: skin or the white part of your eyes turns yellow, dark “tea-colored” urine, light-colored stools, loss of appetite for several days or longer, nausea, or stomach-area pain. The most common side effects of BIKTARVY in clinical studies were diarrhea (6%), nausea (6%), and headache (5%). These are not all the possible side effects of BIKTARVY. Tell your healthcare provider right away if you have any new symptoms while taking BIKTARVY. You are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit www.FDA.gov/medwatch or call 1-800-FDA-1088. Your healthcare provider will need to do tests to monitor your health before and during treatment with BIKTARVY.
Worsening of hepatitis B (HBV) infection. If you have both HIV-1 and HBV, your HBV may suddenly get worse if you stop taking BIKTARVY. Do not stop taking BIKTARVY without first talking to your healthcare provider, as they will need to check your health regularly for several months.
ABOUT BIKTARVY BIKTARVY is a complete, 1-pill, once-a-day prescription medicine used to treat HIV-1 in adults and children who weigh at least 55 pounds. It can either be used in people who have never taken HIV-1 medicines before, or people who are replacing their current HIV-1 medicines and whose healthcare provider determines they meet certain requirements. BIKTARVY does not cure HIV-1 or AIDS. HIV-1 is the virus that causes AIDS. Do NOT take BIKTARVY if you also take a medicine that contains: dofetilide rifampin any other medicines to treat HIV-1
BEFORE TAKING BIKTARVY Tell your healthcare provider if you: Have or have had any kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis infection. Have any other health problems. Are pregnant or plan to become pregnant. It is not known if BIKTARVY can harm your unborn baby. Tell your healthcare provider if you become pregnant while taking BIKTARVY. Are breastfeeding (nursing) or plan to breastfeed. Do not breastfeed. HIV-1 can be passed to the baby in breast milk. Tell your healthcare provider about all the medicines you take: Keep a list that includes all prescription and over-the-counter medicines, antacids, laxatives, vitamins, and herbal supplements, and show it to your healthcare provider and pharmacist. BIKTARVY and other medicines may affect each other. Ask your healthcare provider and pharmacist about medicines that interact with BIKTARVY, and ask if it is safe to take BIKTARVY with all your other medicines.
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BVYC0218_BIKTARVY_B_10X10-5_Georgia-Voice_Hugo_r1v1jl.indd All Pages
HOW TO TAKE BIKTARVY Take BIKTARVY 1 time each day with or without food.
GET MORE INFORMATION This is only a brief summary of important information about BIKTARVY. Talk to your healthcare provider or pharmacist to learn more. Go to BIKTARVY.com or call 1-800-GILEAD-5 If you need help paying for your medicine, visit BIKTARVY.com for program information.
BIKTARVY, the BIKTARVY Logo, DAILY CHARGE, the DAILY CHARGE Logo, LOVE WHAT’S INSIDE, GILEAD, and the GILEAD Logo are trademarks of Gilead Sciences, Inc., or its related companies. Version date: February 2020 © 2020 Gilead Sciences, Inc. All rights reserved. BVYC0218 04/20
HUGO LIVING WITH HIV SINCE 1995 REAL BIKTARVY PATIENT
KEEP CONNECTING. Because HIV doesn’t change who you are.
BIKTARVY® is a complete, 1-pill, once-a-day prescription medicine used to treat HIV-1 in certain adults. BIKTARVY does not cure HIV-1 or AIDS.
Ask your healthcare provider if BIKTARVY is right for you. See Hugo’s story at BIKTARVY.com. Featured patient compensated by Gilead.
Please see Important Facts about BIKTARVY, including important warnings, on the previous page and visit BIKTARVY.com.
4/6/20 1:14 PM
voice
georgia VOL.11 • ISSUE 22
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This Valentine’s Day: How to Get Your Heart On Helmut Domagalski @helmut_smile
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You’ve had that moment, right? You meet a guy after you’ve had a few too many cocktails and you can’t get it up … But, wait, we have pills for that, right? And if you’ve prepared, you took the pill earlier, and modern science saves the gay! The Hard Part Much harder is falling in love. As frustrating as it is for Virgos like me, getting your heart on is a process we can’t control. I’ve been in love with two people in my life — a woman and a man. For platinum gays, you have now stopped reading this column because you can’t cope. Take heart. We must accept that women are an integral part of the gay male journey, not only at our literal beginning, but from the countless women who have stood up as allies for our kind.
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Each time I’ve fallen in love, it was completely out of my control and came at a time that I would not have expected. When it comes, it comes. But falling in love isn’t just a point in time. Countless of us in relationships face the hard reality that love, to some degree, must indeed be maintained. I’ve lived half of my adult life in committed relationships and have come to be more aware of the struggle and the reward.
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Getting it Up So, how exactly does one get a heart on?
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As simple as it seems, I suggest starting with a dose of “main character energy.” The one constant in your life, the person you reason with the most, and the being you spend the most time with and will walk into death with, is you. You are the single most important person to love.
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4 Editorial February 5, 2021
SOCIAL: Get off your damn phone and connect with real humans. Go old school — play board games, cards, or have an intimate conversation. Make dates with friends or family. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, your personal, platonic, and familial connections matter. Placing all your hopes and dreams on any one person is no way to play the love game.
Most humans, including me, grapple with the drama of dating or with their marriages. Not
often enough do we stop and think to look inward and more deeply at ourselves. You want to rekindle the magic in the bedroom or the conversation at dinner? Start with yourself, and then work on connecting to your partner anew. This includes taking the regular time to fall in love with yourself. Make it a practice and don’t be lazy. We are multidimensional creatures. Invest in every single dimension of you — from your mind and body to your personal life and career. Play with Yourself MIND: Take walks in nature, meditate in the mornings, listen to podcasts, read your favorite book, or have a spa day. No matter how you do it, it’s important to take the time to quiet your brain and feed it sustenance. BODY: Run, lift, or hike. Eat healthy, limit alcohol and drugs. Masturbate. Yes, even if you are in a relationship, enjoying yourself and feeling connected to your physical form is vital! SOUL: So neglected by the queer community! Even if you left Jesus, that doesn’t mean you have to leave the universe! We are all connected, so do an act of kindness for another human or for the Earth. Whether you pray, meditate or contemplate, exercise vulnerability with yourself or a loved one. It may be difficult, but you have a lifetime to practice.
WORK & REST: Do what you do with passion. Enjoy the work that the universe puts in front of you — whether it’s spreadsheets or clearing the dinner table. Go all in! But don’t forget to reward yourself with rest! Give your body the time to sit, to be, to rejuvenate and reset its clock. In reality, when you are being you, you’re at your best. When you’re vibrating at your frequency, you can best interact with the ocean of other humans that will cross your path. And finding love isn’t as much work because you will find it in so many forms. Be prepared. Most love comes in kind deeds and glances with strangers and in fantastic moments of friendship. And when you meet that someone — you will be ready. And for those who have someone, when your eyes meet your partner’s, you will certainly have your heart on for that hard on. Happy Valentine’s Day to all the Dolls! Helmut is the founder of The Gayly Dose, an Atlanta based podcast hosted by an all-gay cast. Unique in its mission and follow-on format, weekly episodes are known for their real conversations about things that matter to the community and their listeners. Purposefully candid and brutally honest, the cast speaks on a range of topics, including monogamy, body issues, coming out, dating apps and growing up gay in the church. Listen at thegaylydose.com. TheGeorgiaVoice.com
NEWS BRIEFS Staff Reports Counter Narrative Project’s ‘The Reckoning’ Receives GLAAD Media Award Nomination GLAAD has announced the nominees for their 32nd annual Media Awards, and local organization Counter Narrative Project (CNP), which was featured by Georgia Voice in our last issue, has received a nomination. The GLAAD Media Awards honor media for fair, accurate, and inclusive representations of LGBTQ people and issues. It is the most visible annual LGBTQ awards show in the world. CNP was nominated for Outstanding Blog for The Reckoning, an online publication dedicated to sharing thought-provoking and unique stories about Atlanta’s Black LGBTQ community. “Great storytelling is at the core of the work we do at CNP, in the service of advancing community visibility, promoting narrative change, and fighting for social justice,” founder and executive director Charles Stephens said in an emailed statement. “We are deeply humbled to be acknowledged for our contribution to the conversation with this nomination from GLAAD.” The Reckoning is up against Gays with Kids, JoeMyGod, Pittsburgh Lesbian Correspondents, and TransGriot for the award. Other media and people that received nominations include Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom and “The Prom” for Outstanding Film — Wide Release, Ammonite and “The Boys in the Band” for Outstanding Film — Limited Release, “For They Know Not What They Do” and “Circus of Books” for Outstanding Documentary, Lady Gaga with Chromatica and Miley Cyrus with Plastic Hearts for Outstanding Music Artist, and more. There are a total of 198 nominees in 28 different categories. “During an unprecedented year of crises and isolation, the nominees for the 32nd Annual GLAAD Media Awards reached LGBTQ people with powerful stories and inspired countless others around the world with bold looks at LGBTQ people and issues,” GLAAD President and CEO Sarah 6 News Briefs February 5, 2021
PHOTO BY PEXELS.COM
Kate Ellis said in a statement. “As GLAAD continues to lead the fight for LGBTQ acceptance, this year’s nominees remind us that even in times of political and cultural division, diverse LGBTQ representation of visibility can enlighten, entertain, and create lasting change.” LGBTQ Cable Network Revry Celebrates Black History Month Revry, the first LGBTQ digital cable TV network, is celebrating Black History Month with an entire February calendar highlighting incredible Black Queer content made by and for the community. “Black History Month is a time to celebrate the rich heritage and contributions of Black Americans. It is especially poignant in this moment in history because we are so divided as a nation,” says Black Revry CoFounder LaShawn McGhee. “Taking the time to highlight Black Americans and more specifically Queer Black American voices that unapologetically explore the Black Queer experience is a necessity, and I’m
proud to be able to do that through Revry.” The global Queer TV network, 75% founded by people of color and 50% Black women, has already been specifically championing Black voices with its existing Black Lives Matter curation of films, series, and music videos. This month is an opportunity for audiences to find even more free Black entertainment playing on Revry’s Live Linear channels and On-Demand at watch.revry.tv. You can view the full calendar of programming on our website, thegavoice.com White House Website Allows Visitors to Specify Pronouns The White House website has been updated to allow visitors to specify what pronouns they use. According to NBC News, the contact form on whitehouse.gov has a new drop-down menu with pronoun options, including “she/her,” “he/him,” “they/them,” “other,” “prefer not
to share,” and the option to write down their own selections. The list of prefixes has also been updated to include the gender-neutral “Mx.” along with “Mr.” “Mrs.” and “Ms.” “Allowing visitors, whether transgender, nonbinary, or cisgender-identified, to indicate their preferred pronouns when visiting the home of President Biden demonstrates the kind of welcoming place 1600 Pennsylvania will be now for all Americans,” Raffi Freedman-Gurspan, the first openly transgender person to work as a White House staffer, told NBC News. Sarah Kate Ellis, the president and CEO of GLAAD, celebrated the update as “more than just a demonstration of allyship.” “Research has shown that recognition and respect of our pronouns can make all the difference for our health and well-being — especially when it comes to LGBTQ youth,” Ellis said. According to research from the Trevor Project, one in four LGBTQ youth use gender neutral pronouns. TheGeorgiaVoice.com
NATIONAL NEWS
Pelosi ‘Optimistic’ About LGBTQ Equality Act, Calls Passage a ‘Priority’ Chris Johnson, Washington Blade courtesy of the National LGBTQ Media Association
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) PHOTO BY WASHINGTON BLADE / MICHAEL KEY
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) said she’s “optimistic” about the Equality Act and called its passage a “priority” amid expectations the House could vote on the yetto-be-introduced measure as early as March. Pelosi made the comments during her weekly news conference in response to a question from the Washington Blade on the timing of the floor vote for the LGBTQ legislation, which President Biden promised during his campaign to sign within his first 100 days in office. “I’m optimistic about it because I do think we will get strong bipartisan support in the House and in the Senate,” Pelosi said. The legislation, which Rep. David Cicilline (D-R.I.) told the Blade he’d introduce in February, has been given new life now that Democrats control both chambers of Congress and the White House, as opposed to the Trump administration when the bill died in the Senate, as Pelosi noted. “This is such an exciting piece of legislation for us,” Pelosi said. “We passed it in the last Congress. No success in the Senate. It went to Mitch McConnell’s graveyard, the ‘grim reaper.’” A senior Democratic aide told the Blade that Cicilline and Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-Ore.), the sponsor of the bill in the Senate, are looking at the week of February 22 to introduce the Equality Act with a vote expected as early as March. Pelosi said she’s working with the two lawmakers “for when we will roll it out,” and said after that “we will calendar it.” “It’s an early priority for us, H.R. 5,” Pelosi said. “And again, it’s about ending discrimination.” TheGeorgiaVoice.com
Pelosi then shifted to praising President Biden, commending him for signing two LGBTQ executive orders within his first week in office, including a directive barring further discharges under Trump’s transgender military ban. “I’m very pleased with what President Biden has done so far, especially pleased about eliminating the prohibition on trans people from serving in the military,” Pelosi said. “That too, I think, was a triumph for decency and justice in our country, but some other initiatives that he took about contracting and this or that.” Although the Supreme Court decision last year in Bostock v. Clayton County extends vast protections for LGBTQ people under federal law, securing a prohibition against anti-LGBTQ discrimination in the workplace sought for decades by movement leaders, the Equality Act would take things a step further. In addition to the explicit declaration that anti-LGBTQ discrimination is a form of sex discrimination in employment, education, housing, jury service and credit, the Equality
Act would prohibit discrimination on the basis of sex and LGBTQ status in public accommodations and federal programs. Further, the Equality Act would expand the definition of public accommodations under federal civil rights law to include retail stores, banks, transportation services, and health care services. The legislation would also establish that the Religious Freedom Restoration Act — a 1994 law aimed at protecting religious liberty — can’t be used to enable anti-LGBT discrimination. The Equality Act was the cornerstone of President Biden’s campaign promises to LGBTQ people. Biden said he’d sign the legislation into law within his first 100 days in office as recently as October in an interview with Philadelphia Gay News, although he hasn’t commented on the bill in the week since he took office as president. Reflecting on the absence of such protections under federal law, Pelosi continued, “It’s amazing that we would even have to do such things, but we’re particularly proud of the Equality Act because it’s so comprehensive.”
“Again, ending discrimination in the workplace and in every other aspect, not only is good for the LGBTQ community, for our whole society, but also for businesses that want the very best,” Pelosi said. “They should be hiring without any concern of complaint about the diversity that they are introducing.” In the previous Congress, the U.S. Chamber of Congress had come out in support of the Equality Act, which Pelosi alluded to in her remarks as she contemplated passage in the Senate. The challenge is greater in that chamber given the 60-vote threshold needed to overcome a legislative filibuster. “That’s why we think we’ll have strong bipartisan support,” Pelosi said. “We think the business community will help us in the Senate.” Pelosi took a question from another reporter as the Blade tried to follow up with an inquiry on whether the White House has reached out to her on the legislation. Pelosi’s office didn’t immediately respond to a follow-up inquiry on whether that conversation has taken place. February 5, 2021 National News 7
NATIONAL NEWS
Biden Signs Executive Orders Banning LGBTQ Discrimination Sydney Norman Since FDR’s work to end the Great Depression in 1933, American presidents have been measured by their productivity within the first 100 days of their presidential term. Joe Biden came out swinging. In the first 10 days of his presidential term, Biden signed a number of executive orders. These orders included extending the pause on student loan payments, halting the construction of Trump’s infamous wall, revoking the permits for the Keystone XL oil pipeline, working to improve the federal government’s COVID-19 response, and more. With his initial executive actions, Biden works toward ushering in an American government that doesn’t discriminate against members of the LGBTQ+ population. On January 20, Biden signed an executive order prohibiting discrimination against federal employees
8 National News February 5, 2021
based on their gender or sexual orientation, stating, “All persons should receive equal treatment under the law, no matter their gender identity or sexual orientation.” The order requires that by April 30, the head of every federal agency must review policies and develop plans to enforce workplace inclusion (April 30, 2021 also happens to be the 100-day mark for Biden’s administration). On January 25, Biden continued his work against LGBTQ+ discrimination within the federal government by signing an executive order lifting a ban placed in April 2019 on transgender individuals enlisting and openly serving in the armes forces of the United States. According to NBC News, Trump’s policy allowed transgender personnel that “already received a diagnosis of gender dysphoria [to] continue to serve in their preferred gender, receive hormone treatments and undergo gender-affirming surgery. But … anyone with gender dysphoria who [was]
taking hormones or [had] already undergone a gender transition [would] not be allowed to enlist [once the policy was enacted]. Further, any currently serving troops diagnosed with gender dysphoria after [the policy was enacted would] have to serve in their sex as assigned at birth and … be barred from taking hormones or getting gender-affirming surgery.” Trump stated at the time that transgender individuals’ service was a “confusing issue for the military.” In his executive order, Biden states, “there is substantial evidence that allowing transgender individuals to serve in the military does not have any meaningful negative impact on the Armed Forces.” He explains that, “a meticulous, comprehensive study requested by the Department of Defense” found that including transgender individuals in the military has a minimal impact on health care costs and military readiness and “no significant impact on operational effectiveness or unit cohesion.” Following this study’s findings,
“the Secretary of Defense concluded … that permitting transgender individuals to serve openly in the military was consistent with military readiness and with strength through diversity … [and] that it was appropriate to create a process that would enable service members to take steps to transition gender while serving.” Biden condemns Trump’s ban in his order by stating, “Rather than relying on the comprehensive study by a nonpartisan federally funded research center, the previous administration relied on a review that resulted in a policy that set unnecessary barriers to military service.” While there’s much work to be done, this piece of legislation is a step toward equality within one of the country’s most traditionally heteronormative spaces. Biden’s administration has promised to continue working toward equality throughout his presidential term.
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February 5, 2021 Ads 9
MARÍA HELENA DOLAN REELING IN THE YEARS
An Ancient Egyptian Valentine María Helena Dolan Did you know there were no homosexuals until the late 19th century? It’s true. For centuries in the Eurocentric world, there’d been horrific punishments for the “crime against nature.” These acts could earn a crushing jail sentence, or even death. Emphasis on “these acts.” But how to think about people instead of just their acts? Karol-Maria Kertbeny, a brave early fighter for the rights of samesex lovers, seems to be the one who coined “homosexual” and “heterosexual.” By the late 1890s, “homosexual” overcame other attempts at naming, such as “Urning.” As for “crime against nature” laws, they’re a relatively recent construct in human history. Hammurabi, the fearsome King of Babylon, codified all behaviors into 282 laws. This was around 1754 B.C. — almost 4 millennia ago. His laws concern both business matters and personal ones related to marriage and sexual behavior. There were no anti-same sex structures anywhere. Nearby, Egypt likewise failed to restrict samesex desire. In fact, even further back than Hammurabi, in early 25th century B.C., we find Niankhkhnum and Khnumhotep, the “Overseers of the Manicurists of the Palace of the King.” These men and their minions serviced royal bodies daily to prepare them for smooth days and nights. That means they actually touched the pharaoh! The well-rewarded pair could afford their sumptuous, conjoined tombs. Paintings and sculptures show them, outsized. There is an ( Egyptian style) kiss. And painted on a wall, they feast at a massive table, with small wife and children figures painted behind them, partially erased. According to the glyphs, the men are “joined in life and joined in death.” 10 Columnist February 5, 2021
For Egyptians, the tasks of daily living were a necessity, but the Afterlife was a person’s most serious concern. You had to prepare yourself for the next life by paying homage to the gods and outfitting yourself with whatever you’d need to continue the life begun in the physical realm. But what if you did not have the wealth needed to construct lavishly treasured tombs? What could a couple do to preserve themselves together for all eternity? Well, you could commission a statue of the two of you together, gazing into the Afterlife for all time. Called ka statues (the Egyptians believed the soul had nine parts; The ka is everything that makes a person unique), once fashioned, they became the dwelling place for the spirits of both of the deceased. Wealth meant your statue could be larger than life. Other statues were more modest. A number of these painted limestone figures still exist; and again and again, a married pair is shown
seated, feet to floor and each facing forward, the man’s left arm tenderly placed behind the woman’s back, the woman’s right likewise behind him. So, what are we to make of Idet and Ruiu (Middle Kingdom, 18th century, 1479– 1425 B.C.)? Their ka statue shows the two women, entwined for eternity. Housed in the Egyptian Museum in Turin, Italy (museoegizio.it), the pair came into history via their inclusion in “The Women, Queens and Goddesses” special exhibition, launched for March 8, 2020, International Women’s Day. A great deal of speculation began about the two. What sort of a pair are they, both dressed conventionally in typical blazing white, tight but modest linen sheath dresses, with the usual elaborate, braided wigs? Idet is seated on the right, the place of honor, the place reserved for the man of the house. The glyphs read, “Lady of the House” while Ruiu has no title.
From her side of the seat, Idet offers a prayer to “Osiris, lord of eternity, that he may give … every good and pure thing, and the pleasant breeze of the north wind, to the souls of the lady of the house.” This Osiris prayer is repeated, with some variations, by Ruiu, on her side. Today, the women have arrived on their third continent, part of a spectacular new Egyptian exhibit at the Kimbell Art Museum in Fort Worth, Texas, “Queen Nefertari’s Egypt.” Queen Nefertari, (not Nefertiti), 1370–1330 B.C., was Rameses II’s beloved wife. But she’s also a woman short-changed by history. This new exhibition aims to change that. Among her show’s 230 objects, queers seek out a certain statue: we want to see Idet and Ruiu’s 3,500-year-old hypnotic gaze. The love that speaks “Eternity.” The exhibition, the Kimbell’s first postCOVID-19, runs until March 14. TheGeorgiaVoice.com
CLIFF BOSTOCK OLD GAY MAN
PHOTO BY PEXELS.COM
Will You Be My Codependent Valentine?
Cliff Bostock One of the darkest questions that arises every year for the senior single is, “What are you doing Valentine’s Day?” You know that even in this time of social distancing, masked men will not be pelting your windows with chocolates and sending you pouches of Viagra and rose petals. Arguably, the young and single have this same bitter response, but their future is longer than their past, so they can dream. In olden days, loving someone of your own gender meant you were a mentally ill, criminal sinner, and, paradoxically, that very hatred strongly magnified the need for the sanctuary that a lover could provide. It often meant living in the closet together and rushing into relationships that lasted about as long as monogamy was easy. We drank and killed ourselves a lot. And then AIDS killed many of us. When the AIDS plague first swept the globe, an unrelated psychological epidemic also arrived — codependency. Although not an official psychiatric disorder, it’s a profile of twisted love that was conceptualized at the same time addiction was identified as a 12 Columnist February 5, 2021
monumental problem in America. Let me tell my own story again. In 1980, I got really drunk with my bartender partner who pissed me off while driving home. I stopped the car, shoved him out the door, and drove away. Next, I found myself breaking the glass out of the back door of a house whose owners stood in front of me, screaming. As I opened the door, I was wrestled to the ground by two cops. The homeowners decided not to press charges, and one cop gave me the option of going to jail or an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. The choice was difficult, but the next morning, he escorted me to my first meeting. AA really did rescue me, and I never drank again after that night. However, I was left with that partner, who pretended to also get sober and stop using drugs. I was all but completely blind to his continual relapses, theft, and lies. Friends confronted me; I defended him. I even moved us to Houston to start a “new life,” but he was arrested several times for public sex, causing me to attend two hearings where I dramatically rushed from the courtroom to collapse in front of a toilet and weep, even though it could as well have been me who was arrested. Finally, after
three tries, I put his shit on the front lawn. Then I went into withdrawal, alternately feeling angry, guilty, heartsick. It was my therapist who gave me the codependency diagnosis. I ended up going to California to spend two weeks in a program in the middle of a gorgeous mountain cove. It provided incredible insight, and I ended up doing my psychotherapy internship there for two years. Meanwhile, I confess I’d entered another relationship with a wonderful man. It died, of course, and I moved to an apartment above a crack house whose customers could not come close to my own addiction to sex, love, and drama. I seriously had six boyfriends in the following nine months, one of whom actually moved in. Ultimately, my therapist, noting that I understood my problem but resisted actual change, gave me an ultimatum. He said I had to be abstinent for a year to continue seeing him. I went months without any sex or the delusion of love, spending most of my time whimpering in the bathtub with a scented candle and books, lots of books. One day, I saw a child crying hysterically under a table at Zesto on Ponce de Leon while his mother cruelly cursed him. In an altered state of some sort, I kneeled by the
table and reached out my arms to console the sobbing kid. What did he do? He became frightened and climbed into the lap of the adult who was abusing him. She patted him on the head and sneered at me. In that moment I viscerally realized that my mother, my father, and the culture had taught me that love without lots of pain was meaningless. If the person I “loved” wasn’t inherently an asshole, I made sure to turn him into one. Seeing this so concretely expressed was life-changing. Yes, you could call it sadomasochism. Like alcoholism, codependency remains especially common among gay people. If your parents and the culture reject you by pathologizing your love, you’re likely going to have difficulty with relationships. If you’re interested, the world’s favorite book on the subject — which could make the perfect gift for your Valentine — is Melody Beattie’s “Codependent No More.” Cliff Bostock, Ph.D., is a former psychotherapist who offers life coaching. He specializes in older men and creative people who feel blocked. Cliffbostock.com, cliffbostock@gmail.com, 404-518-4415. TheGeorgiaVoice.com
BUCK JONES THE FRENCH CONNECTION
Comfort Food During Uncomfortable Times “We took the obligatory Instagram photos to proudly show off our culinary skills and then savored that first homemade fondue feast on the first snowy weekend of the new year.”
Buck Jones Every Sunday night, I have a group phone call with my dad and his sister, my aunt. They are both in their seventies, and probably like most of you with your parents, I can’t talk about politics with them. What’s the point? They are both dyed-in-the-wool Fox News watchers and lifelong Republican voters. So, yeah, we don’t talk about politics. Instead, I’ve improvised a game we can play over the phone. I basically stole it from the 1970s television game show “Password,” in which I ably play the role of host Allen Ludden and give one-word clues for a hidden word they have to guess. The more clues, the fewer points they can win, and since they are both very competitive, they enjoy the interaction. Our version of the game is dubbed “Jones Family Password,” with the person, place, or thing categories revolving around only words that my immediate family would know. Typically, the “thing” words revolve around comfort food from my childhood, staples that women at our church would bring to the Wednesday evening potlucks. I can give a oneword clue of “Anderson” and one of them will shout out “Tater Tot Casserole,” while “Clark” solicits an immediate “macaroni and cheese.” I suppose we all have our favorite comfort foods, and over the past few distressing months I’ve certainly wanted to lose myself in a Tater Tot Casserole or two. But here in Paris all restaurants have been closed since the end of October (except for the big fast-food chains that do takeout), so it has been especially challenging for me to calm my nerves while watching election night stretch into an interminable week, followed by the endless nonsense of “he who shall not be named” leading up to the tragic events of January 6 at the Capitol. In normal times, I would be able to escape into a steaming hot bowl of French onion soup, with its melted gruyère cheese browned to a crispy layer over a slice of baguette bread, concealing the brothy goodness of sautéed onions and seasoned bouillon. TheGeorgiaVoice.com
never used it because it seemed more than a little intimidating, with its open flame and long pointy forks and all. Plus, there was a wonderful cheese fondue restaurant five minutes away from us, so why bother? But now that bubbling cauldron of melted cheeses seasoned with white wine and spices was not a possibility, unless we made it ourselves. PHOTO BY PEXELS.COM
Lazy weekend afternoons at a Paris sidewalk café are sadly a relic from the distant past, and now all I long for is a big basket of freshly prepared, lightly salted French fries (frîtes, as they are called here) to share with my husband as we read the newspaper, people watch, and sip our wine. Having takeout fries from McDonalds back at home feels tragically sad, and I feel even more depressed after scarfing them down. But if you’re going to do it, at least try to be a little classy. The Belgians dip their fries in mayonnaise, which I’ve never understood, and we replace the American ketchup with a sinus-clearing dab of Dijon mustard as our condiment of choice.
month, I’ve begun experimenting more in our home kitchen. Once we had our first snow of the season, I said longingly to my husband, “You know what would be great tonight?”
Desperate times bring desperate measures, so as our second restricted COVID-19 confinement has now dragged into its third
We had received one of those really nice Sur La Table fondue sets as a wedding gift, and while the gesture was lovely, we had
He arched his eyebrows, and said, “We did THAT last night ....” “No, no,” I said. He was obviously not on the same wavelength, although the previous night was good. “Where would you want to be eating dinner tonight if we could?” “Ohhh,” he said, now on the same page. “Fondue!”
After watching a couple of tutorial videos on YouTube, we bought our ingredients and brought down the still pristine fondue set from its storage perch. The Sterno kind of freaked us both out, but we finally had it all ready to go. We took the obligatory Instagram photos to proudly show off our culinary skills and then savored that first homemade fondue feast on the first snowy weekend of the new year. We are barely into 2021, and making fondue on Sunday nights has become a kind of tradition. Paired with a chilled dry Sauvignon and the visual equivalent of comfort food (“The Crown” on Netflix), there is no place I would rather be. So for those of you playing from home, if I give you the following clues to a “thing” — Sunday, flame, fork — the correct answer is “cheese fondue.” February 5, 2021 Columnist 13
BE MY VALENTINE
Valentine’s Gift Guide Conswella Bennett
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and whether your V-day consists of some serious self-love or sharing your time with a loved one, we’ve got some great gifts to express your love. Me, You, Us: A Book to Fill Out Together by Lisa Currie This creative book is filled with pages containing prompts for you to write down sweet thoughts, memories or silly memories with a loved one. It’s the perfect gift to share with someone special, whether they’re a romantic partner or a best friend, and it’s the perfect keepsake of memories. $16, Richard’s Variety Store The Book of You: For My Child with Love by Kate and David Marshall This book is the perfect Valentine’s gift for your children. It’s filled with writing prompts, checklists and even includes space for pictures. It’s a way for parents to say, “I love you” by celebrating their milestones and the person they’ve become. $15, Richard’s Variety Store Blue Q Oven Mitts These “I’ll Bake Love to You” oven mitts are perfect for the chef in your life. These mitts aren’t only funny, but practical, too: they’re super insulated, 100% cotton, and Blue Q donates 1% of sales to hunger relief throughout the world, including malnutrition programs at Doctors without Borders. $11.99, Richard’s Variety Store Spikey Heart Necklace Splurge on your lady friend with diamonds and gold. This gorgeous 14k gold necklace tows the line between edgy and elegant, making it a special piece for a unique person. The necklace is offered in either yellow or white gold. $1,059, Worthmore Jewelers Nuts About You Sack Pack & Boxers Gift Set Show your Valentine you’re nuts about 14 Be My Valentine February 5, 2021
Courtesy photos
Clockwise from top left: Nuts About You Sack Pack & Boxers Gift Set, Manstore Lacy Casual Tee, The Book of You: For My Child with Love by Kate and David Marshall, and a Blue Q Oven Mitt.
him with this incrediball gift set. Included in the set is a pair of special limited edition V-day boxers, a charcoal body wash, a cologne, and a deodorizing spray. $55, ballwash.com
Manstore Lacy Casual Tee This lacy micro red and black t-shirt makes a perfect pair with the micro briefs. This combination is the perfect after-hours gift ensemble. $99, Boy Next Door Menswear
Manstore Lacy Micro Brief Give the gift of lace to the special guy in your life. For those wicked nights, the lacy micro red and black briefs is the perfect lingerie inspired garment. $43, Boy Next Door Menswear
Manstore Magenta Hot Pants These hot pants make a great gift to bring out the romantic, playful side of that special someone. They’re a soft and cozy velvet short – the perfect fit for bedroom lounging. $59, Boy Next Door Menswear
Richards Variety Store (Ansley Mall location) 1544 Piedmont Ave. Ste. 191 Atlanta, GA 30324 Boy Next Door Menswear 1447 Piedmont Ave. NE Atlanta, GA 30309 Worthmore Jewelers 500 L3, Amsterdam Ave. NE Atlanta, GA 30306
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BE MY VALENTINE
Pandemic-Friendly Date Night Ideas Sydney Norman The COVID-19 pandemic has driven us all indoors (and a little insane), and many couples are getting sick of ordering takeout, flipping on some Netflix, and finishing off a bottle of wine. Here are a few ideas to spice up your and your significant other’s next night in. Take a Romantic Trip Abroad … from Home Travel the world without the risk of COVID. Pick a country or city to theme your night around. You can select a destination you and your partner have wanted to visit, or you can draw one randomly out of a hat. Find a film from that country, cook a native recipe together, and hunt for snacks from that country (bonus points if you can find a small local grocery that stocks treats from the place you picked). You can listen to the country’s most popular songs, and if you and your partner are history buffs, you can pick up some quick facts to share at your next virtual cocktail party! Camping Indoors Bring your inner child out to play for a night. Gather all the blankets, chairs, and ingenuity you have lying around the house and build a fort. You can even decorate it with the Christmas lights you may or may not have packed away yet (it’s okay … we won’t tell). Either order an indoor s’mores making kit online or (carefully) make some in the microwave or over an uncovered gas stove. Play some nature sounds, dim the lights, and take turns telling spooky ghost stories (this works best when holding a lit flashlight under your chin). Cocktail Party for Two If you and your partner choose to imbibe, you can get creative taking turns whipping up original cocktail recipes. Base presentation and flavor on movie characters, books, songs, or famous artworks to make for an interesting challenge. You can take a trip 16 Be My Valentine February 5, 2021
PHOTO BY SHUTTERSTOCK / RAWPIXEL.COM
to the liquor store together to pick out ingredients (don’t forget your mask), or you can test your bartending savvy with the current contents of your kitchen (tip: Soy sauce is not a recommended cocktail ingredient). If you and your partner prefer to take shots over sips, make some creative shooters instead. Matching Makeovers We all know it’s fun to experiment with our look, but are you bold enough to allow your partner to experiment with your look? For a tamer night in, you can take turns doing each other’s makeup, painting each other’s nails, picking each other’s outfits, and styling each other’s hair. If you really trust your partner (or you don’t have any Zoom calls scheduled soon), you can dye and/
or cut each other’s hair, style each other’s facial hair, or give each other temporary tattoos with skin-safe ink. At the end of the night, wash everything off and complete the evening with matching facials. Domestic Dance Class Who said at-home dates had to be sedentary? Clear some space at home and host your own dance class. If you don’t have a specific style in mind, pick a number from your favorite Broadway musical, movie, or Tik Tok and get moving. You and your partner can even dress accordingly; if you choose to learn how to square dance, don your cowboy hats and boots. You can even support local dance instructors by enrolling in their online sessions! TheGeorgiaVoice.com
BE MY VALENTINE
Looking for Love With the Gay Dating Coach Lamont White offers dating advice to gay and bisexual men
heaping dose of self-love. If you’re ready to move away from casual dating in the pursuit of love, you’ve got to be your best self. “It starts with you, with self-improvement,” White divulged. “It’s easier said than done, but I think sometimes guys try to get into relationships without doing the work they need on themselves. When I say work, I mean making sure you’re mentally stable, financially stable, physically healthy, and in a positive mindset of dating.”
Katie Burkholder It’s no secret: dating is hard. While this is true for everyone, it’s even more so for the LGBTQ community — and a pandemic can make it nearly impossible. Enter the Gay Dating Coach. Lamont White is helping gay and bisexual men navigate the world of dating through coaching, professional matchmaking, and couples counseling. He’s working one on one with men to find love in a socially distanced world and achieve their relationship goals.
Dating can be exhausting or potentially destructive to your ego, especially if you’re emotionally insecure or fragile. By first being happy with who you are, you avoid the cynicism that can come with dating and recognize the good in rejection.
Meet the Gay Dating Coach When White started his dating business in 2014, there were no others like him. He wanted to address the lack of visibility when it came to gay dating by addressing the needs of gay men like himself directly.
mutual interest and I think there could be some chemistry. I then arrange a first date.”
connect [like usual] by going to bars, church, or a restaurant,” White said. “They’re lonely.”
“Gay men, we really didn’t have role models or a blueprint [for dating men],” he told Georgia Voice. “We didn’t have images of how two guys see each other. When I started this back in 2014, there was no one doing this for gay men specifically.”
The Gay Dating Coach prides himself on the out-of-the-box first dates he sends clients on, which include the likes of axe throwing and indoor rock climbing. Above all else, White believes there’s no better way to connect than by having fun together.
White is based in Atlanta, but as of last year he offers his services to men who love men nationwide, with clients in D.C., Texas, Los Angeles, and New York. Across the country, he’s pairing up successful couples by sticking to the basics.
“I think a first date shouldn’t be like a job interview,” he said. “You should do something fun and interesting. Guys have really been enjoying a different way of meeting outside of a bar, club, or app.”
Because of COVID-19, men are turning to White to help them meet new people and organize safe, virtual first dates. They’re not only getting matchmaking; they’re getting dating tips, as well. “I also teach guys how to date: this is how you flirt, this is how you present yourself if you want to get a guy,” he said. “[Many gay] guys just weren’t taught that.”
“I do really old-fashioned matchmaking,” he said. “I meet with guys face to face, via Zoom, to learn who they are and what they’re looking for … I see who’s in my database that could be a good connection for them, where there’s 18 Be My Valentine February 5, 2021
However, with the COVID-19 pandemic, dating looks a lot different. “With COVID, depending on what city you’re in, your city could be completely shut down, so there’s really no way for guys to
Self-love and dating Dating for company and dating for love are two distinct (although equally valid) processes that require a distinct set of skills and finesse in order to find what you’re looking for. White specializes in the latter; as a recently married man himself, he’s an expert in dating with the goal of a serious, long-lasting relationship. The secret? A
“You have to understand that rejection is a part of dating,” White continued. “It’s a good part of dating: if a guy isn’t interested in you, then you can move him out of the way and find someone who’s definitely interested in you.” From like to love You did it! You finally met someone you click with and can see a future with. How do you make sure it doesn’t fizzle out? Of course, clear and open communication is key. But the key to making it work is being bold and unafraid of making the first move. Now’s not the time to be scared of rejection. “You can’t just wait for the other guy to plan a date,” White said. “Take the initiative and say, ‘Hey, I want to see you. Let’s meet up.’ Don’t wait for him to text or call you. If you want to see him, pick the phone up and plan the date.” For more information on the Gay Dating Coach and to book White as a matchmaker, dating coach, or couples counselor, visit betterwaytomeet.com. TheGeorgiaVoice.com
JIM FARMER ACTING OUT
Atlanta Jewish Film Festival and ‘Supernova’ Offer LGBTQ Fare Jim Farmer When the Atlanta Jewish Film Festival, the city’s largest film festival, gets underway February 17, it will look a little different from previous seasons. It’s a virtual event, save for some drive-in screenings, but the LGBTQ content is still abundant. Five of the selected films this year have LGBTQ themes, including “Sublet.” Directed by legendary director Eytan Fox (“Yossi & Jagger,” “Yossi,” “The Bubble” and “Walk on Water”), “Sublet” tells the story of a New York Times travel writer (John Benjamin Hickey) who visits Tel Aviv and takes an apartment belonging to a younger Israeli man (Niv Nissim), a filmmaking student. The two slowly get to know each other and form an unlikely friendship. It’s a masterful work, perhaps Fox’s greatest film, with characters full of nuance and subtlety. Both Hickey and newcomer Nissim are exceptional. The other films with LGBTQ themes are the dark comedy “Shiva Baby” (beautifully adapted from a short film version), the drama “Minyan,” the theater documentary “On Broadway” (a love letter to the Great White Way), and the comedic opening night film, “Kiss Me Kosher,” which features a lesbian couple at the center. Also on tap are drive-in screenings of “Spaceballs” and “Little Shop of Horrors,” retrospective screenings of “The Chosen” and “Brighton Beach Memoirs,” and virtual conversations accompanying select films. Full disclosure: I moderated a Q&A with “Sublet’s” Fox, Hickey and Nissim, which accompanies the screening. New in theaters is the drama “Supernova,” which stars Colin Firth and Stanley Tucci as longtime gay couple Sam and Tusker, respectively, on a road trip as one faces 20 Columnist February 5, 2021
dementia. About five years ago director Harry Macqueen was working — unbeknownst to him — with a lady who had early onset dementia. A year later she passed away from it, and he wanted to learn more about the condition. He ended up working for a long time at a university in London specializing in it, interacting with people who were living with the condition and being a part-time caretaker for them. “The film is inspired by the time I spent with those people,” Macqueen said. “I wasn’t planning on making a film, but I was moved by it. It was a good two years before I put pen to paper. I wrote the script and got involved with the producers. Things moved quickly from there. Colin and Stanley came aboard, and things moved real quickly, as these things usually do.” The first time Macqueen met with Tucci, the two talked about who could play opposite him. “Stanley suggested Colin,” he said. “They have worked together before
“Sublet”
“Supernova”
PUBLICITY PHOTO
PUBLICITY PHOTO
and are best friends. Colin had already read the script.” The director feels the two are ideal for their roles. “Colin and Stanley, it goes without saying, are incredible actors. They are incredibly mercurial, and everything they do is so different. They have range but also bring a lot of emotional clarity and depth to everything they do. They effortlessly seem to nail the energy and tone of the piece they’re doing. I think that is difficult to do, but they also bring passion and empathy to the roles they play. That is essential for a piece like this. They also enjoy each other in their personal lives.” Macqueen initially cast the film the other way around, with Firth as Tusker and Tucci as Sam. The actors felt the director should try it differently and “auditioned” for him. “They were absolutely right,” he recalls. Both actors are receiving acclaim for their work, with Tucci getting some serious Best Supporting Actor Oscar buzz.
An old controversy has surfaced again of late about the hiring of heterosexual actors to play LGBTQ roles. Macqueen is aware of that. “Representation in that way is a very important part of how we make films and I spoke to the actors and they spoke to me and we’ve not stopped talking about it,” says Macqueen. “I do think you have a duty to make sure your process as a filmmaker in casting is an open-door policy as much as you possibly can. We did that, but you do have a duty to the project to get it off the ground in the most powerful way you can. This is very specific involving two actors of a certain age who know each other.” LGBTQ representation and diversity were very much part of the crew, however.
MORE INFO The Atlanta Jewish Film Festival runs February 17–28. “Supernova” is now in theaters and will be on VOD on February 16
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Restaurant GUIDE
YOUR GUIDE TO LOCAL EATERIES
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February 5, 2021 Restaurant Guide 21
MELISSA CARTER THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID
Valentine’s Day Melissa Carter Funnily enough, I used to wear black on Valentine’s Day. It began in my 20s as a sort of protest against the pressure the day brought upon single women and men, as if they were somehow deficient grays among all that red and pink. I experienced a childhood where our middle and high schools would announce the names of girls who had received flowers in the front office over the loudspeaker, and my name was never called. That embarrassment and resentment built to the point I shortened the name to VD as a joke, no longer a fan of what the day was intended for. Little did I realize, I was fighting back against the wrong people.
22 Columnist February 5, 2021
I have been single longer in my life than I have been with anyone, yet I am satisfied with how things have turned out. That’s because I’ve learned it doesn’t matter if you’re single or with someone, because your life is a reflection of you. You don’t have to be single to be miserable, and being single doesn’t automatically bring misery. How you feel about yourself is the most important thing on this amorous holiday, because how you feel about yourself is the catalyst to what you end up finding in your life. Women in particular need to understand this point. We’ve been trained to be the sacrificial lambs of society, exerting most of our energy to make sure other people are happy. No wonder we expect a balance, for the world to see to and meet our needs. Yet, we eventually learn that the people we take care of aren’t necessarily looking back our
PHOTO BY PEXELS.COM
way to make sure we’ve caught up.
on the podcast, go to theFriendzy.com.
It gets worse for women as we get older. We are not only bombarded by the messages of youth and beauty standards, but we’re also told that we no longer fit into these categories of desire. Aging out of societal value is a bitter pill to swallow once you reach middle age.
I’m not sure how we got into the habit of looking everywhere else for our happiness. Lesbians and gay men certainly suffer from this desperate search, especially if our coming out process didn’t go well or if we aren’t out of the closet at all. It’s a difficult process to make the shift from being under the spell of those who don’t satisfy our needs to loving ourselves enough to be happy alone. But that is the real key to true love, not flowers or cards or candy. What true love really looks like is your reflection in the mirror first thing in the morning looking back at you with a big smile, grateful that you get to be you for another day.
That’s why my former radio colleague, Jenn Hobby, and I have launched a new podcast, called “The Friendzy.” We are changing the conversation around age so that women can feel empowered by their experiences and will never again skip a birthday or lie about how old they are. For more information
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RYAN LEE SOMETIMES ‘Y’
My Crowdsourced Sex Life Ryan Lee I’m not an OnlyFans star, but anytime someone demeans the accomplishments or discredits the income of those who are, I think: You try it! You fuck on camera and give a performance worth purchasing when free alternatives outnumber the billions of sperm in a man’s nutsack. I’ll warn you that sex is the easy part. The labor is in recruiting co-stars, rigging lighting, diversifying locations, editing clips, selecting a platform that doesn’t skim 75 percent of your earnings, marketing your content on social media and filing multiple 1099s — hence the first five words of this column. In the early 2010s, I was inducted into a Facebook group that, with fewer than 100 members, created an intimate fellowship in which we philosophized about modern gay life and shared cellphone videos of sexual encounters. I eventually uploaded several of my clips to a mainstream porn site for free viewing, but removed them after a couple of months amid some new-year-new-me cleansing. This introduced me to the economic concept of “scarcity,” as viewers began requesting to purchase my deleted videos and others in my catalog. I obliged until the logistics became burdensome and figured creating a for-profit account was an easy channel for passive income. I treated my hobby like a side job — recording every session, merging clips into compilations, blurring faces and tattoos and creating a “Freak Twitter” account — for about a month and a half, and often describe the gig as similar to driving for Uber except a lot more fun and profitable. I haven’t uploaded paid content in more than five years (reserving most recordings for my personal library), but I receive residual pocket change every other Tuesday. TheGeorgiaVoice.com
PHOTO BY SHUTTERSTOCK.COM / RJURGENFR
I’m often urged to create an OnlyFans page, but part of my understanding of myself as an anti-capitalist comes from the money I leave on the table, including not devoting my scarce time on this planet to editing and marketing in pursuit of dollars when I would rather be fucking, writing or riding my bicycle. Still, my online freak persona has evolved into a secret identity, a duality that offends the sanctity I bestow on authenticity. My consummate duty to self is remaining honest about how I experience this world, and while I’ve maintained discretion by not sharing my amateur porn status, I’m confident no one who knows me is surprised to learn I have a few sex tapes. Freak Twitter has brought crowdsourcing to our sex lives, where you post media that’s shared by strangers until exponential partners are aware of your interests and availability. However, saturated roads do not make gay life more navigable, and just as social media filters people’s presentation of themselves, sexual media distorts reality and can trigger emptiness and delusion in viewers and performers. Many followers have commented they wish they were me, unaware the clip they’re watching is coated in as much insecurity, rejection, frustration and yearning as their loneliness. It is my response to these unavoidable challenges which has sculpted a sex life that glistens with pride and satisfaction, and that is more valuable to me than subscriber fees. February 5, 2021 Columnist 23