Gay Weddings and Marriage Magazine Spring 2015 Premier Edition

GWM G AY W E D D I N G S & M A R R I AG E M AG A Z I N E

MARCH 2015

GAYWEDDINGSANDMARRIAGE.COM

Transgender

Marriage Legalities and love face off

Unique styles that fit YOU

Gay Friendly

HONEYMOONS

Gay Life After 40

Expectations & Preparations

CHECK POINT

5

Signs you should see a relationship counselor

REAL WEDDINGS REAL BUDGETS From backyard to boutique hotel, these real weddings will capture your heart!

-contentMarried LIfe

Counseling

Re a l We d d i n g s

Tips

- The Married Life -

- Check Point -

- Greg & Thomas -

- More Than a Drink -

Barely a few months after we met, Pam and I knew that we were going to be together forever.

We knew it the way you know that you’re a cat person or a dog person; the way you know that you’re going to be an English teacher rather than an accountant, or vice versa.

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Your big day is right around the corner. The wedding invitations are picked out, the guest list is set, and you even have a tent rental on hold just in case it rains. But when was the last time you had a relationship check in or check up? The following are five signs that your relationship could benefit from counseling...

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Thomas and Greg wanted an intimate atmosphere to celebrate their vows, and their quant home in Glassell Park, California was the perfect spot. The day flowed easily from the ceremony in the main living room to the reception in the backyard.

Succulents and fruit gave the tables colorful and natural...

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I love the idea of signature drink at a wedding. It’s an opportunity to reflect your unique style as a couple, and it encourages conversation among your guests. It is also a money saver. In addition to a beer and wine bar, an open liquor bar can be one of the priciest items at your event. But a signature drink...

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-contentWedding Prep

Family

Tr a n s g e n d e r

Over 40

- Beyond The Veil -

- Carriage Before Marriage -

- Transgender Marriage -

- Real Relationships -

Do you feel that a traditional veil does not reflect your style? You are not alone!

Here are some not-sotraditional headpieces from Bel Aire Bridal - ranked one of the top headpiece and veil manufacturers in the world - that will open your mind to the many possibilities on your wedding day.

Brian Rosenberg and Ferd van Gameren are the founders of GayswithKids.com, an online community that aims to normalize the experience of gay parenting by sharing stories, news, advice, and in-depth reporting on topics of interest to gay dads, many of which are typically not covered in mainstream media.

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On January 6, 2015, Florida became the 36th U.S. state to legally recognize same-sex marriages. By mid-year, the Supreme Court will decide once and for all on the constitutional legality of all same-sex marriages in the United States. Activists have been working toward this legal recognition of same...

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Gaylifeafter40.com is a site that will provide realistic solutions to everyday problems that occur from relationship issues to health to family dynamics. Focusing on youth is great , but what we’d like to do is open people’s eyes to the entire LGBT lifespan.

Midlife transitions can mark a period of tremendous growth.

- P AG E 7 5 gayweddingsandmarriage.com / GWM 3

FROM THE EDITOR

About the cover: Keven and Michael were married in April of 2013 in New York City.

Photography by Meg Miller Photography

hat started out as a quest to create a wedding magazine to represent the LGBT community has developed into so much more. I wanted to capture the smiles and laughter of the wedding day, but what about the marriage? The years that follow a wedding event may not be as glamorous, but they are just as important. I wanted to celebrate them here equally as much as the wedding festivities. I quickly realized that I needed to create a product that was about more than just the wedding day. A ‘before, during, and after’ concept was adapted and pieces of an unknown puzzle began to come together. Wedding day preparation, transgender marriage issues, and gay adoption stories fit perfectly into this concept. Real love stories of couples bound together for over 20 years were a natural fit with beautiful wedding day events. As I read the love stories in these pages, I am often overwhelmed with emotion. My hope is that you feel it as well.

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I am grateful for the love and support I have received from vendors, friends, and total strangers while in the process of creating this magazine. My ten years in the wedding industry had hardened me. I clawed my way to the top in order to get noticed among the swarm of incredibly talented artists and wedding vendors. It was a slow, uphill battle. This magazine has been an entirely different experience. Doors have opened and the work has flowed smoothly. It is obvious that there is a need in the community for a product that represents you!

I would also like to put forth an opinion about the debate of print magazines disappearing due to an online presence and the need for daily instant online gratification. There is something very fulfilling about holding a magazine in my lap while curled up on the corner of my couch sipping coffee. My heart races with excitement when I think about taking a stack of magazines to the cafe on the corner and spending Saturday morning thumbing through them while eating breakfast with my family. (Yes, most of my experiences do include food!) I believe the world of print media is not dead, and there is still a place for it in our lives.

Thank you for taking a moment to join me on this journey. I believe this will be the beginning of an amazing adventure.

Renee Clancy Comments or questions? Contact Renee at: renee@gayweddingsmag.com www.gayweddingsandmarriage.com

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Special Thanks Assistant Editor Lisa Schreiner GWM Writers: Michael Eric Brown Donna Capodelupo Hillary Bruch Contributors: Todd Russel Gay Life After 40 20 Lounge Wonder Valley Ranch Resort Dr. Melissa Estavillo Derek Chad Photography True Photography Bel Aire Bridal Ganem Jewelers Linda Nusbaum, LMFT Loco Gringo Meg Miller Photography This Modern Romance Cameron Barnes Hawaii Weddingmoons Bob Hoffman Photography Cyndi Hardy Photography

Tr u e P h o t o g r a p h y W e d d i n g s (619) 795 9545

Married LIFE

-The married lifeBy Donna Capodelupo arely a few months after we met, Pam and I knew that we were going to be together forever.

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We knew it the way you know that you’re a cat person or a dog person; the way you know that you’re going to be an English teacher rather than an accountant, or vice versa.

In the fall of 1983, on a beautiful, moonlit night, we lit candles, exchanged wedding bands, promised to love and be with each other exclusively, and to share all the ups and downs that life would bring our way. We marked that anniversary each year, thrilled when we reached milestones such as double digits and then double decades.

We proclaimed our do-it-yourself marriage just as good as anyone else’s -the equivalent of the real thing.

“We don’t need the government’s recognition or a church ceremony to know that we’re going to stay together forever,” we’d say.

Our relationship was even better, because we were staying by choice, not because some institution said we had to. Of course, it was all bluster. We convinced ourselves we didn’t want more, because we never expected we’d be allowed to have it.

As time went on, we were reminded often that while we saw our relationship as equal to a marriage, no one else did.

Not our families (though they were mostly kind and welcoming to our partners), our work colleagues or many of our friends. Even worse, government 6 GWM / March 2015

and community institutions, as well as many businesses, took the position that we were complete legal strangers to each other.

When you’re young, such things don’t much matter. But major life events, some good (buying a house, getting promotions) and some bad (deaths of parents, major illnesses), managed to point out the shortcomings of our notquite-wedded life.

...there was a chance that I could be deprived even of the right to attend her funeral.

Luckily, I married an incredibly pragmatic woman who made sure that every valuable thing we owned was documented as belonging to both of us.

We had legal documents prepared for every possible eventuality: homestead, health care proxy, durable power of attorney, wills …

So, when Pam was hospitalized with a potentially life-threatening illness, I was able to be there, to speak with the doctors, to be consulted about treatment and to give my opinions about courses of action.

But we learned that if the unthinkable were to happen and Pam passed away, there was a chance that I could be deprived even of the right to attend her funeral.

If a member of her family chose, they could, as next of kin, claim her remains, make funeral arrangements, and decide where she would be buried. They could do all this without talking to me, without asking me what Pam might have wanted, without notifying me of the time or location of any final ceremonies.

And there would be nothing I could do.

In an instant, we knew our just-as-goodas-marriage situation was anything but.

We had spent years telling ourselves that as long as we loved each other we needed nothing else. It was a romantic notion, a “you and me against the world” feeling. Until now, it had worked to draw us closer together. Suddenly, it left us feeling vulnerable and scared.

We started paying more attention to the gay marriage movement and signed up for newsletter updates from GLAD. It was right around the same time that an attorney for the organization, Mary Bonauto, began making a name for herself with the case of Goodridge v.

Massachusetts Department of Public Health. Seven gay couples were suing the state for the right to marry.

By now, we were totally invested in the notion that we could be married. For real.

Goodridge spent two years -- two very nervous years for us -- going through the courts.

On May 17, 2004, the state Supreme Court ruling affirming gay couples’ constitutional right to marry in Massachusetts went into effect. We picked up our marriage license that day, got our blood tests and waited the requisite three days before heading to Town Hall and saying our “I do’s” like so many couples before us.

Except that we weren’t like so many couples before us. For one thing, the wording of the actual marriage vows didn’t suit a same-sex couple. So we wrote our own. For another, we doubted that many straight couples were so fearful of a constitutional amendment banning their right to marry that they refused to wait for the weekend to schedule their ceremony. And finally,

unlike most other married couples, if we drove just a few miles down the road and over the state line into New Hampshire, we would no longer be married … just two legal strangers again.

Today, 35 states and the District of Columbia consider us a married couple.

Federal rules that ban recognition of our marriage are falling one by one.

For example, I no longer have to pay extra federal taxes on the value of the health insurance that I carry for Pam through my employer. And I no longer fear eternal separation from the woman I will spend my life loving. Morbid as it may seem, we both take comfort in knowing that our final plans are each other’s to make.

So much has changed, yet so much stays the same. We are still the same two women who, 32 years ago this fall, committed our hearts and our lives to each other. It is that anniversary we still celebrate; the much newer, “real” anniversary only tells a fraction of our story.

At the conclusion of a wedding reception we attended recently, the mother of the bride announced that the couple at each table married the longest could take home the floral centerpiece.

All eyes turned to a couple (a man and woman) at our table, who said proudly that they’d been married for 27 years.

“Oooh, it’s yours!” everyone said.

Pam and I looked at each other and smiled. We knew better.

Photo by Bob Hoffman Photography • Congratulations to Tia and Breana on their wedding! gayweddingsandmarriage.com / GWM 7

t’s official! You developed a serious gay relationship and you have moved in with your significant other. Sometimes it’s hard enough to agree on what to have for dinner, much less try to design a home. One of the hardest parts about moving in together is combining two design styles and bringing together two households of furniture and belongings.

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Moving in as one B y To d d R u s s e l l

So how does one pull this together so both people are happy?

Find out what is important to your partner. Comfort? Color? Shape?

Price? Give your partner the respect of listening to his point of view, because he has to live there too. You both should feel happy with the overall design of your home. With the vast range of options at just about every price range, couples can find accessories and furniture to combine both of your likes.

Here are a few ways to get beyond your differences and create a home that will reflect both of your personalities and style preferences.

Choose a limited color palette.

Too many colors can make things look confusing. It can detract and make each piece in your room feel unconnected and stand alone. You should try to repeat the same colors throughout your space to bring your space together.

Pack up your accessories.

Select a few of your most favorite pieces and pack the rest of them away.

Two households are coming together; you do not want to fill your new space with twice the clutter. This space now belongs to both of you. If it’s from an ex, pack it away.

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Select wood tones that blend.

This really works. You will be amazed how pieces from very different styles can look united. By keeping your wood tones similar you will be able to tie pieces together.

Make the oddball in.

If you have a piece of furniture that doesn’t go with the others make it the center of attention. Make it the focal point and build the rest of your space around it. This can make the oddball piece really fit in.

Purchase some new things together.

Shop together to pick something new that you both like. Make sure this piece is a reflection of both of your styles.

It can be a sofa, piece of art, or an area rug. The important part is that it represents both of you. It can even become the new stand out piece that you build the rest of the space around.

Have a plan.

This is important. It will keep both of you on the same page. Try to focus one or two rooms at a time. Not the whole

house. You will see progress in your home more quickly this way. This is very helpful when you are shopping.

By sticking to the plan you will not purchase things you do not need or do not fit with the new space.

Remember that decorating and design rules are never written in stone. Your home is a place where you should be able to be yourself, relax, recharge and nurture each other. Creating a home that allows you to do those things together should be rewarding and fun.

Feel free to break the rules when you are working on your home. After all, it is your home. Use it as an excuse to restyle the way you live.

Tips: Be patient with your partner.

Create a space for your individual style. ie: a sports theme room or a movie themed media space. If all fails, hire an interior designer. They can help build creative solutions to incorporate all of your needs.

Lastly, try to make the process of setting up your new space fun for both of you. If you figure out that one of you is better at one particular part of the process, be sure to step back and let him take the lead in that area. Make certain your space is as original as the both of you.

About the Author: Todd Russell is a professional Interior Designer with over 20 years experience in helping couples create unique living spaces. He can be found on his Facebook page Blue Dot Interiors. www.gaylifeafter40.com

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Be prepared when you primp!

Mistakes to avoid when planning your wedding

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s the big day nears and the wedding stress looms it’s important to care for yourself and show a little love to your wedding party as well. Planning a wedding is tough work, so as the day nears you should set aside some time for a little pampering for you and your group. If you want to look your best and feel relaxed when you’re walking down the aisle, consider these tips from the pros at 20 Lounge, an upscale boutique nail bar based in California with locations in Arizona.

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Plan Ahead You may think that pampering the day before your wedding is key to looking your best, but according to 20 Lounge nail technician, Kristy Flores you want to make sure you book your spa day to occur one week in advance of the big day. “Do not try to do your spa day the morning of the event,” says Flores.

“You are taking a huge risk if something goes wrong.” 20 Lounge has a one-week guarantee on their nail services, so if anything (paint chips, nail breaks, etc.) happens during that week, you can come back and get it fixed for free.

Flores also suggests doing your homework; know which services you’ll be getting for the wedding party and

it’s always better to overestimate than underestimate the number of people and services to ensure there is enough time and staffing.

Want to go the extra mile? A massage is a really enjoyable add-on. Hot towels are also really relaxing and help soothe the wedding planning stress away.

Primp And Prime

Spa Day Etiquette

Glowing skin, manicured nails, hair in place. For men and women alike, the goal is to look flawless. If you’re wondering what services will help you achieve this, Flores first suggests a paraffin wax treatment to soften and smoothen hands and feet. Rid yourself of dead and dry skin with callus remover treatment or a sugar scrub. A general cleanup is important for all parties involved, a manicure, a pedicure and some waxing. “If you’re going to do ring pictures, get your knuckles waxed,” advises Flores.

You’re looking fresh and so is your bridal party. You may be wondering what the proper etiquette is when it comes to paying for your services. Of course, everyone’s situation is different, but according to the professionals at 20 Lounge, typically the bill ends up in the hand of one of the bride’s or groom’s parents, or best man and maid of honor. “In my ten years of experience, I have never seen the bride/groom pay for their own services,” says Taurone.

Flores says it is also common for everyone to pitch in and pay for their own service. “It’s the courteous thing to do; you’re there to celebrate his or her big day.”

To ensure your nails will stand the test of time, it’s best to go with a Shellac polish, as it lasts a lot longer than regular polish. “The french manicure and pedicure is a classic for bridal parties”, says Danielle Taurone, lead nail technician and assistant manager at 20 Lounge Del Mar. You can also opt for a pretty Shellac polish that is neutral or one that matches your wedding colors.

Men can make sure their nails look good with a cuticle treatment and a clear coat of polish.

www.20lounge.com

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-New twists to old traditionsI t ’ s Yo u r W e d d i n g ! H o w t o M a k e I t Yo u r V e r y O w n

ooking for ways to plan your wedding that haven’t been overused to the point of becoming trite? You’ve hit gold. Here is your guide to creating a wedding that is fresh, innovative, and reflects who you are as a couple. Whether your tastes are daring and outlandish or simple and refined, here you’ll find the wedding planning advice you need to make your day the most special day imaginable.

having a fun field day by taking the whole gang out whitewater rafting or horseback riding. After they’ve worked together on tug-of-war, a horseback trek, or navigating class-five rapids, getting you two down the aisle alive will be a cakewalk.

parasol, a wagon ride down the aisle, or having someone walk your beloved pet(s) down the aisle instead of flowers.

Alternatives to the Flower Girl and Ring Bearer

Great Ways to Spend the Day Before the Wedding

Let’s face it, not everyone has nieces and nephews handy to make automatic flower girls and ring bearers. Many couples are using alternatives to the cute little kids. Grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts and uncles, and other golden-wise folks make beautiful flower girls and ring bearers when there aren’t any available munchkins. Even the flowers are replaceable in today’s weddings. Couples can substitute the flower girl cliché with a balloon carrier, a child or adult carrying garland, a

There are lots of ways to change up the traditional “aisle walk” to better fit your relationship and circumstances.

For instance, partners can walk the aisle together, both parents can walk one or both partners to the altar, or someone extra special (such as the person who introduced the two of you, a brother or sister, or even a child) can walk one or both partners down the aisle.

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Your wedding attendants have (hopefully) worked long and hard over the past few weeks or months of planning, and deserve a special reward.

Besides, if they all aren’t already friends, you’ll want them to get to know each other before the ceremony so they’ll be comfortable working together. Instead of a ho-hum rehearsal dinner, consider

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Make Your Walk Down the Aisle Truly Your Own

If one or both of you plan to make the iconic walk down the aisle to the altar, consider a runner that chronicles the history of your relationship. It can be a simple timeline write-up, or a more elaborate display including photos of

your journey together. The timeline should start with the beginning of the relationship and conclude at the alter with a statement like, “we became one,” or something fun like, “tying the knot.”

Unique Ways to Include Your Guests Consider honoring your guests with something interesting like a guest box instead of the traditional guest book. A guest box is a private area (separated by a hanging sheet or portable walls) where guests can go to privately record a special message to the couple in lieu of signing a guest book.

You can also make the guests seem more like a part of the ceremony by using coasters that allow guests to write helpful advice to the couple, like, “never go to bed angry,” or, “always balance your checking account together.”

If you’re hiring a DJ, consider adding a line to your RSVP cards so that guests can make a song request as they accept your invitation. Any ranch resort, hotel, or other venue that is open to wedding parties will have a list of local entertainment options to choose from, including experienced DJs, live bands, and more.

Fantastic Options to Tossing Rice and Birdseed Rice is no longer recommended, and is prohibited by law in some places due to the danger it poses to birds. Birdseed is an option, but if you’re looking for something a little spunkier, consider providing your guests with sparklers to see you off (bonus: nobody conks you in the back of the head with a packet of birdseed). Or, have them DIY their own confetti concoctions at a confetti bar.

that can make your ceremony extra special for the two of you and your guests.

Wonder Valley Ranch Resort Wonder Valley is the ideal location for your special day! Located just a few minutes east of Fresno, Wonder Valley features 75 sprawling acres of some of the most beautiful landscape on the West Coast. In addition to wedding and reception facilities, you can take advantage of money-saving wedding packages, an unbelievable selection of menu items (your choice of a buffet or plated!), and posh accommodations for the newlyweds and their honored attendants and guests.

Visit our website or contact us today at (559) 787-2551 or (800) 821-2801. wondervalleyweddings.com

There are tons of unique and interesting twists to the standard wedding traditions

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Unique Wedding Venues Lo o k i n g f o r a d i f f e r e n t w a y t o s a y “ I d o” ? T h e s e 1 0 v e n u e s w i l l make your wedding as unique as you are.

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- UBER -

- Row Boat -

- Rooftop -

- B&B -

N o t h i n g i s m o r e t h r i l l i n g t h a n s a y i n g “ I D o ,” e x c e p t m a y b e s a y i n g i t f r o m t h o u s a n d s o f f e e t u p i n t h e a i r. any LGBT couples are choosing to make their wedding ceremonies as unique and as individual as they are!

This can be done in a variety of ways, but if you are looking to tie the knot in at a small ceremony that will still make a big impact, read on to learn about our choices for the 10 best unexpected wedding venues that will keep it simple while still “wow”-ing everyone in attendance.

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after a night out on the town, Uber has recently added an additional service to its virtual repertoire – weddings.

Starting as a limited service in San Francisco, UBERweddings promises to pick you up, make your marriage official (with the help of the on-site notary) and hook you up with plenty of swag from their sponsored vendors. They promise to take you from arrival to “I Do” in no more than 60-minutes. How convenient!

Uber

Row Boat

An app-based company that is seemingly gaining steam by the second, Uber has taken most major countries by storm and is gaining popularity by changing the way people think about using a taxi service. Not only will Uber pick you up

For a couple that is not afraid of a little water, consider having your wedding in a rowboat. Not uncommon in Central Park, a rowboat wedding can be an intimate gathering that includes only the couple and the officiant, or rather

can include an entire slew of people at a tie up. While this may seem like an unconventional way to tie the knot, the laid-back atmosphere makes for a magical ceremony and the pictures end up being absolutely stunning.

Cabin For a couple that is all about organic and loves the great outdoors, we can’t think of a better small, simple ceremony location than a cabin in the woods.

Consider taking a look at national parks or forests in your area and see if they have a secluded space where you can say you vows in a charming part of the wilderness. For an added bonus, see if there are campgrounds nearby where you and your outdoorsy clan can have a rustic weekend getaway. gayweddingsandmarriage.com / GWM 15

We can’t think of a better small, simple ceremony location than a cabin in the woods.

A Bed & Breakfast

Hot Air Balloon

Nothing says “quaint” quite like a little bed and breakfast. This intimate setting is the perfect possibility if you want to gather friends and family under one roof to celebrate your union. Because of their size, it’s easy to keep the number of people you invite to a manageable size, and just imagine saying your “I Do’s” against the backdrop of an oldfashioned B&B miles and miles away from hectic city life.

Nothing is more thrilling than saying “I Do,” except maybe saying it from thousands of feet up in the air. For the couple that isn’t afraid of heights and will appreciate the magical views, getting married in a hot air balloon is an excellent option. It will also make for stunning photographs – just remember, there isn’t much room in the basket for more than two!

Rooftop If you are known as the couple that is always on trend and in the middle of all the action, consider holding your ceremony and/or venue at one of the hottest new places to throw a fete – a rooftop in the middle of the city. While this venue still allows for a small and intimate gathering, as the sun goes down and the city lights come to life, the venue will remain effortlessly chic and cool. Just think of the beautiful pictures you will get back when you have your wedding against a beautiful urban skyline.

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Volcano If you are looking for a small ceremony that is still exciting and exotic, getting married on the side of a volcano in Hawaii is the way to go. These small affairs are conducted away from high-traffic visitor areas, making them intimate, secluded, and unforgettable.

The islands offer many locations and views to choose from, just make sure you apply through the park service to everything is legitimate and safe!

Roller Coaster What better metaphor for a marriage than a roller coaster? For high-intensity couples that aren’t afraid of a few twists or turns, getting married on a roller coaster will provide an unmatched

experience. The New York, New York resort in Las Vegas offers ceremonies at 15-minute intervals at specific times during the week. If you have no problem getting married at 67-mph, this is the experience for you.

Castle If you and your loved one are looking for a destination location that will make for a small and unforgettable ceremony, consider having your wedding at a medieval castle. England and Ireland have stunning and picturesque abandoned (and inhabitable) castles that make the perfect backdrop for your “I Do’s.” The castles are classic and timeless, just like your love for each other!

Marathon For the ultra-sporty couple, getting married while running a marathon is the perfect unique wedding ceremony option. Not only can you pick some great themed running gear to reflect your ultimate commitment to one another, finishing the race as a team is the perfect metaphor for how you will stick together for the rest of your lives.

Just imagine all of the people cheering on you and your new bride or groom at the finish line!

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counseling

-Check point-

Five signs you should seek counseling for your relationship.

B y D r. M e l i s s a E s t a v i l l o , Ps y c h o l o g i s t our big day is right around the corner. The wedding invitations are picked out, the guest list is set, and you even have a tent rental on hold just in case it rains. But when was the last time you had a relationship check in or check up? The following are five signs that your relationship could benefit from a counseling session or two.

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At times you feel that your partner is no longer “on your team”

• Stonewalling- refusing to communicate or cooperate by withdrawing or pulling away • Contempt-showing utter disrespect and treating our significant other as if he or she is the enemy While Dr. Gottman was busy predicting what leads to divorce and breakups, Psychologist Dr. Susan Johnson began to conduct ground-breaking research on adult love, identifying key elements

Remember when you first got together how wonderful it felt to have someone to trust, who understood you, and seemed to always be on your side?

When we experience the benefits of an emotionally safe, connective relationship it amazing how euphoric it can feel. But contrast that with intense fighting, disconnection, and hurt and you’ve likely never felt so low. Dr. John Gottman, one of psychology’s best relationship researchers, observed couples for years and found that there are 4 key behaviors that predict doomsday for any relationship. Looking for these these four behaviors, Dr. Gottman was able to predict with 94% accuracy the likelihood of divorce or separation! In his “Love Lab” he would look for the following negative behaviors: • Criticism-focusing on the bad in our partner instead of the good • Defensiveness-feeling as though we are the victim becoming highly guarded in arguments

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Nothing is more frustrating than having the same argument over and over and over again. Yet, many couples tend to find themselves in the same rut, complaining about the same few things. But why can’t we just let it go? Many couples continue to fight about situations from the past because they are reminded of that same hurt in the present. It’s really not that our significant other wants to control us or hurt us with the same fight, but is more likely that he or she is flooding with emotion when the current situation is reminiscent of past hurt.

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that keep relationships together. In her research, she found that “healthy dependence” between partners is what allows us to experience the safety, closeness, and connection predictive of a lasting and satisfying relationship.

You keep arguing about the same thing over and over again

At times you wonder if you and your partner are incompatible

“Maybe I’m just too introverted and he’s just too extraverted,” said John and Phil. “I never realized just how different we actually are!” In the midst of distress, our brains tend to focus on and exaggerate the differences between the two people; but most likely, our perspective is pretty far off. While it’s true that the most successful relationships are between similar or like-minded people, the hurt and negativity in our relationship has a funny way of making us seem more different than we actually are.

Remember when you could spend weeks together without getting tired of each other and felt like you could read each other’s minds? That’s due to compatibility-- and compatibility does not magically disappear over time. Our

focus on the negative is what makes it hard to see the similarities.

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You can’t remember the last time you and your partner “just had fun” like when you first met

Over time, it is natural for us to become more and more comfortable in our relationship. On the one hand, this is an amazing part of a seasoned relationship.

But on the other, comfortability leads to complacency and we stop doing the very things that made us fall in love in the first place. So if you can’t remember the last time you went on a date or the last time you had a few hours to just talk, make it a priority to have fun together and reconnect. Good relationships require a good deal of hard work and attention. Don’t fall for the old myth that good relationships should just come easily or naturally.

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Stress seems to be pulling you apart

While often our stress and disconnection will stem from conflict inside of our relationship, couples can also be pulled apart by powerful external stressors like homophobia, infertility, death of a loved one, extended family conflict, or isolation. Laura and Ashley were two compassionate, connected women who decided to start a family after 3 years of committed relationship. And while their families had been “tolerant” of their relationship, their decision to start a family was enough to unearth the family’s true disagreement with the couple’s “lifestyle.” Distress such as this can push the strongest of relationships to the breaking point. It becomes all too easy to turn our fear, hurt, and frustration towards our partner, and

forget that he or she is not the enemy and can’t serve as our emotional punching bag.

While any of these signs could be disconcerting, here’s the deal: going to couples counseling does not mean that your relationship is about to fail. Too often, couples come in to counseling petrified that a therapist will tell them that they should not be together or that separation is the only option. Instead, consider couples counseling like a preventative care “check up” for your relationship. Your love can only grow when you take the time to nurture and care for it.

Dr. Melissa Estavillo is a Psychologist at Biltmore Psychology & Counseling in Phoenix, Arizona.

BiltmoreCounseling.com 480-999-7070

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Real Weddings

Greg & Thomas June 21, 2014

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Derek Chad Photography

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Thomas and Greg held an intimate summer wedding at their home.

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homas and Greg wanted an intimate atmosphere to celebrate their vows, and their quant home in Glassell Park, California was the perfect spot. The day flowed easily from the ceremony in the main living room to the reception in the backyard.

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Succulents and fruit gave the tables colorful and natural decoration; perfect for this summer wedding.

Photographer Derek Chad Photography Venue Private home

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More than a drink B y Re n ee C l a n cy love the idea of signature drink at a wedding. It’s an opportunity to reflect your unique style as a couple, and it encourages conversation among your guests. It is also a money saver. In addition to a beer and wine bar, an open liquor bar can be one of the priciest items at your event. But a signature drink is an opportunity to offer an alternative to wine while still keeping your costs in check.

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When I set out to write this piece about finding a signature drink, the only responsible thing to do was to experiment, so I could make appropriate suggestions. Well, let me rephrase that: I wanted to have some fun drinking with my friends, and this was the perfect excuse! Much better. Now that the truth is on the table - along with the lemons and limes cut up for the drinks - let’s get started. I picked drinks that I could rank according to taste and ease of creation. But don’t take my word for it! This is also your opportunity to enjoy a casual Sunday afternoon experimenting with signature cocktails. Don’t give up until you find the perfect drink for your wedding!

Caribbean Mist

DARK & Stormy

- Fresh/Sweet -

- Strong/Crisp -

Our first words were WOW. This drink was refreshing and fun, and another round was ordered by everyone.

Pros: Bright color, delicious Cons: Rather complicated to make. You would need to hire a bartender (or a very skilled cousin) to run the drink table. This drink cannot be made beforehand, because the soda water would go flat quickly. Another option 24 GWM / March 2015

would be to mix everything together except for the soda water, and it could be added when each drink is poured. It also was not very strong. We suggest to double the rum.

Ease of Creation: Difficult Taste: Delicious!

1 part Mango Rum 1 part pineapple juice 1 part soda water dash of Blue Curacao sugar for rim

We compared this drink to an Old Fashioned. It was very easy to make, and the color was beautiful. It had a very clear and clean look - elegant almost. But it was so strong, that I think hair started to grow out of my ears. One drink was passed around, sips were taken, faces were made. Not our style, but it might be yours.

Pros: Easy to make, beautiful color.

Cons: Not everyone is going to love this.

Ease of Creation: Easy Taste: Yuk. (That’s an official tasting term.)

1 part ginger beer 1 part dark rum

Goodmorning Grape

Sage Hound

- Our Winner -

- Soft/Fresh/Tangy This Mimosa alternative was by far one of our favorites.

The glass you see on the left was made with store-bought grapefruit juice. The glass on the right was made with fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice. It is by far worth the extra time to squeeze your own juice. Not only was the color so much prettier, but the taste was lighter and fresher. The store-bought juice was too tangy, and it overpowered the drink. This drink would be so easy for a friend to pour, or it could be served as an alternative to a champagne toast. We could

see ourselves at a garden wedding holding this drink, toasting the happy couple.

Pros: Fresh taste, described as the perfect brunch wedding drink.

Cons: Champagne would have to be kept on ice, it would require storage space.

Ease of Creation: Medium (Due to the fresh squeezed juice.)

Taste: Amazing 1 part champagne (I used pink champagne. If it’s good enough for Deborah Kerr, then it’s good enough for me.)

1 part grapefruit juice

Once the official tasting was over, then we starting playing around with drink options. This is what I hope happens with you, because it is how we created our favorite drink of the night. It’s our version of a Greyhound but much more tropical and fun! We mixed some of the left over freshly squeezed grapefruit juice (Really fresh, like we stole them from the neighbor’s tree.) and vodka along with a splash of the Mango Rum. It was a favorite of the night. The sage made us feel like we were drinking in a garden. And because I

know some of you will ask… the saying on the cup below is “Work like a captain, play like a pirate.” Good motto to live by.

Pros: Everyone will love this.

Cons: Sage can be expensive.

Ease of Creation: Medium.

But it could be made ahead of time and poured by Cousin Nathan who said he wanted to help out at your wedding.

Taste: By far, the best.

1 part grapefruit juice 1 shot vodka splash of Mango Rum Sage

We would love to see the signature drinks from your wedding day! Send pictures and a description of your wedding beverage of choice to info@gayweddingsmag.com to be featured in our next issue.

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Real Weddings

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Laura & Kristen May 23, 2014

True Photography

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Arch and Arbor Arc de Belle

Hair Stylist Lovestruck Makeup Artistry

Videographer Blue Tiger Films

Venue Private Residence

Photographer True Photography

Disc Jockey Sound Prodigy

Officiant Ceremonies by Bethel

Bakery Sumi’s Oven

Wedding Dress David’s Bridal

Event Beverage Service The Abbey Catering

Florist House of Stemms

Caterer The Abbey Catering

Makeup Lovestruck Makeup Artistry 30 GWM / March 2015

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BEYOND the veil Do you feel that a traditional veil does not reflect your style? You are not alone!

Here are some not-so-traditional headpieces from Bel Aire Bridal - ranked one of the top headpiece and veil manufacturers in the world - that will open your mind to the many possibilities on your wedding day.

Tr e n d y , v i n t a g e - i n s p i r e d s u n b u r s t h e a d w r a p

Glamorous woven rhinestone headband

- Style 6354: (MSRP $147) -

- Style 6478: (MSRP $240) -

Flirty and fabulous, style 6354 channels your love of vintage beauty with a chic, modern twist! A free-spirited alternative to a traditional veil, this light tulle headwrap adds a touch of bling with a glittering pattern of sunburst rhinestones.

Best worn across the forehead or over your hair, this design perfectly complements a beaded Art Deco gown; style it with dramatic jewelry to tie together your whole look. To evoke a theme of old Hollywood glamour, consider a formal venue with stunning architecture. For a bohemian celebration, head outdoors! This gorgeous style is made to express your personality.

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Truly shine on your special day wearing a glamorous headband composed of tiny, sparkling rhinestones. Perfect for a formal black-tie soirĂŠe at a ballroom or a dreamy daytime wedding at a country club, this eye-catching accent embellishes a flowing hairstyle or elegant updo with instant drama. You can pair this easy-wear band with a shimmering evening gown, sensual mermaid silhouette, or regal ball gown; the choice is yours! To add even more bling, complement your style with a glistening belt, show-stopping jewelry, and fabulous shoes. This design commemorates your once-in-a-lifetime moment with unforgettable beauty.

Sweet vintage-inspired Chantilly lace cap

Soft flower clip with chic French net

- Style 6364: (MSRP $115) -

- Style 6442: (MSRP $135) -

Express sweet yet stunning vintage beauty on your wedding day wearing a soft lace cap. Sweeping over your hairstyle with delicate grace, this design features Chantilly lace with a scalloped, eyelash edge. Old-fashioned yet elegant, you’ll notice the cap is embellished with tiny pearls and scattered rhinestones for a touch of modern sparkle; wear it to complement a gorgeous lace gown and minimal jewelry.

If you’re planning on getting married in an English-style garden or historic manor house, this classic design perfectly complements your overall theme and evokes the heartfluttering romance of eras past.

Fall in love all over again wearing this gorgeous, alluring French net veil. Combining chic style with the feminine beauty of soft anemone flowers, this lavish design completes up your look with sheer romance. Whether you’re wearing a cute, tealength Audrey Hepburn dress or an ethereal tulle gown with floral details, this sweet clip gracefully accents your chosen ensemble. This is a great alternative to a long veil, especially if you’re getting married outdoors—and the French net will look stunning in your reception photos! Be bold, carefree, and beautiful on your big day. www.belairebridal.com

We would love to see the unique veil options from your wedding day! Send pictures and a description of your wedding veil to info@gayweddingsmag.com to be featured in our next issue.

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-Your ring-

“A larger percentage of gay and lesbian couples will do something custom, something just for them verses picking something out of the case.�

anem Jewelers is known for it’s trademark customer service.

Established in 1982 by George Ganem, his sons Curtis and Jason Ganem were handed the reigns as co-presidents in 2004. I sat down with Curtis and ask him about recent trends in the wedding ring industry and how the LGBT community may have influenced these trends.

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GWM: Have you seen a spike in gay couples coming to the store since gay marriage has become legal in so many states?

G: Since the earliest days of working at Ganem, we have always had a high percentage of gay couples as customers. Word on the street must be that we are gay friendly! We try to make everyone happy, but we have always had a large percentage of LGBT couples.

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We have some couples that have come to us for years, and although they have moved out of the state, they still choose to return to the Ganem jewelers.

GWM: Do you find that gay couples lean towards more traditional bands?

Or do they find a more unique style?

G: Certainly every couple wants something unique to represent them.

But LGBT couples have a much broader range of desired styles. Straight couples will experiment wildly within the category of a traditional style, but they tend to stay within the current trend.

But with gay and lesbian couples, there is a broader range of styles they desire. Some lesbian couples may both get an engagement ring, or one will get a band and and the other will get an engagement ring. We see gay couples that will both get a band with

design work, or both with diamonds, there is just a broader range. A larger percentage of gay and lesbian couples will do something custom, something just for them verses picking something out of the case. We have a large selection to start from, but we have an in-house designer. Most jewelers will outsource the design, but we do it all in-house. We do the casting, the molds, the stone setting, every aspect of the process happens here.

GWM: Do you have any advice for gay couples if they are met by a vendor that is hostile towards them in the store?

G: Take your business elsewhere. There your displeasure. We get most of our business from referrals, and this is how we get most of our gay and lesbian business. The best way to show your

displeasure or satisfaction with a vendor is to share your experience on social media.

GWM: What advice would you give to a gay couple when picking out their wedding rings?

G: Take your time and enjoy the process. Life is also about the journey, not just the destination. Don’t settle for working with an establishment that doesn’t make your experience enjoyable.

GWM: What current trends do you see happening in the wedding ring industry?

G: There is an increase in rose gold, but white gold is still the most popular. The halo ring is trending along with rose gold when it comes to styling. The biggest trend is the lack of trend, and this applies to the LGBT community most of all.

10 or 15 years ago, it was much more traditional. Although we still sell solitaires, there are just so many more options available for couples now. ganemjewelers.com Phone 480-706-1850

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Real Weddings

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Cory & Randy October 10, 2014

Derek Chad Photography

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Cory and Randy met in spin class and they like hiking Runyon Canyon together in the Lo s A n g e l e s a r e a i n t h e i r s p a r e t i m e .

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ory and Randy incorporated the Los Angeles architecture into their wedding day. The Oviatt Penthouse was the perfect location for their rooftop ceremony and reception. The Los Angeles Athletic Club was also incorporated into the day for more beautiful images. “Cory and Randy wanted to create a welcoming atmosphere for their guests.

They were involved in every step of the process, and it shows in the beautiful details of their day� noted Allie from Pop the Champagne Events.

C

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Photographer Derek Chad Photography Florist Flowers by Dan Venue Oviatt Penthouse Caterer Truly Yours Catering DJ EV Sound Coordinator Pop the Champagne Events Cupcakes Friandise Bakery

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Gay-Friendly Quintana Roo, Mexico wo countries have state-specific court-directed provisions permitting same-sex couples to marry; the United States and Mexico.

One of the more popular Mexican destinations that has declared all samesex marriages to be legal is the State of Quintana Roo, home of Cancun and Playa Del Carmen.

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Puerto Morelos: A Gem Among Jewels

By Michael Eric Brown

The Jewels The glamour and glitz of these larger cities attract a fair share of LGBT honeymooners, with offerings of gayfriendly accommodations, bars and exciting nightlife activities. Along with the vast array of tourist attractions however, come the highly-inflated prices, the all-too-familiar traffic jams, and the spoiled coastlines filled with luxury resorts instead of the authentic Caribbean beauty they once held.

For the newlyweds who are more budget-conscious and adventurous, there is a nearby alternative where you can enjoy the beauty of the Mayan Riviera and the lure of the Caribbean Sea without the high prices. If the busy gay scene isn’t necessarily your first choice for those special memories, then keep reading for a relaxing and romantic alternative.

The Gem Nestled between these glitzy tourist destinations is a quiet laid-back village called Puerto Morelos, and it’s an inspiring location to consider for your honeymoon. Puerto Morelos is a budget traveler’s dream, a quiet gem to be found among the bigger jewels on this Caribbean side of the Yucatán Peninsula.

This small fishing port offers a glimpse into the old ways of Mexico and Mayan civilizations, yet still offers the modern conveniences that will help make your honeymoon memorable.

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The Port Side Puerto Morelos is divided by a highway and the mangroves, (where you can get an occasional glimpse of the crocodiles who live there,) and is just a few blocks wide along the white sandy beach.

Here you can dine, wander through the sidewalk merchants, and depart for a few hours of snorkeling or diving near or around the Great Mesoamerican Barrier Reef.

This nationally protected Reef is just 500 meters offshore, and if you choose to visit this protected and pristine National Park, the beauty will absolutely amaze you! This Reef is the second largest reef

in the world, and is home to hundreds of miles of colorful coral formations, fish, dolphins and turtles and much more.

Diving and snorkeling tours are plentiful and affordable.

Accommodations and Food Locals agree that Puerto Morelos is exceptionally LGBT-friendly, including wherever you decide to stay in town.

Gay-owned Layla Guesthouse offers truly exceptional accommodations, along with a Juice café, (which also serves Asian dishes,) meditation & readings, a salon and area tours. Local residents have also recommended Casa Caribe Seaside B&B which boasts private terraces with hammocks, refrigerators,

breakfast and tours. For the truly budget-conscious, catered to many gay & lesbian couples through the years, and their rooms and rustic bungalows are exceptionally clean and affordable.

There are plenty of restaurants in town within walking distance from wherever you happen to be. When you’re ready to chow down, just take a short walk from the Alma Libre Bookstore to find freshly made tacos, fresh fish, lobster, and even Italian and Asian cuisines. Local residents have recommended John Gray’s Kitchen as an “open door to all,” and La Serina Restaurant gets a thumbsup for being LGBT-friendly.

La Colonia The west side of Puerto Morelos is known as La Colonia, (the Neighborhood,) and within it you’ll find just about anything authentic Mexico has to offer, as well as a modern grocery store stocked specifically with tourists in mind.

Mostly what you will find, however, are the many small tiendas scattered throughout the neighborhood, as well as a plethora of restaurants lining the streets. Tiendas are small markets, and carry anything from freshly made tortillas to locally-grown fruits and vegetables, hardware, clothing, Mayan and Mexican crafts, and more.

Restaurants in La Colonia offering affordable Mayan and Mexican cuisines are generally just a handful of tables and chairs sitting outside under a canopy, and the food is prepared from scratch while you wait. You’ll also find street vendors with their food carts serving amazingly good food. Flag one down for a truly authentic Mexican experience!

Things to Do If you’re into wildlife, try Crocozun Zoo just north of Puerto Morelos. In this interactive zoo, one can take a tour, as well as touch and hold some of the local jungle wildlife, including crocodiles!

Other attractions include horseback riding, street musicians, yoga, live music and festivals, Spanish classes, nearby Mayan Ruins, and Mayan jungle tours.

For those desiring to treat themselves to a massage, the Ixchel Jungle Spa is the place to visit. This non-profit spa offers inexpensive, relaxing and unique massages given by local Mayan women, and the proceeds go to helping these women and their families. Treat yourself to a “Gift from the Mayan Gods” as they like to call it.

A priority during any trip to Puerto Morelos is to head out a few miles from the main highway, on the “La Ruta de los Cenotes”. Here one can enjoy any one of dozens of these fascinating and stunning limestone sinkholes in the Mayan Jungle. Many of these cenotes provide zip lines, as well as cave diving, swimming and snorkeling among the stalagmites and stalactites, and it’s easy to find a tour guide who’ll get you there and back.

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Your Honeymoon Awaits If you are thinking of an affordable as well as unforgettable honeymoon destination, consider this small laid-back gem of a village called Puerto Morelos for an extraordinary experience. It’s a place where you’ll find warm weather year-round, uncrowded beaches, and friendly accommodating people. It is truly a place where one can

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get lost in paradise, enjoying the old and the new in the mix of the Mexican and Mayan cultures.

Links: Alma Libre Bookstore: www.almalibrebooks.com Casa Caribe Seaside B&B: www.casacaribepuertomorelos.com Casitas Kinsol: www.casitas-kinsol.com

Crocozun Zoo: www.crococunzoo.com Ixchel Jungle Spa: www.mayaecho.com/Jungle_Spa.html John Gray’s Kitchen: www.facebook.com/johngrayskitchen La Sirena Restaurant: lasirenapm.com Layla Guesthouse: www.laylaguesthouse.com

Married Life

-How to Be Happy In Your MarriageGet to a happy place and stay there

By Linda Nusbaum, LMFT hen a couple joins together in marriage, it is a union that they both believe will be for life. They both hold the best of intentions and dreams for a great walk on this Earth together.

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Young love and the beginning of a life together with marriage is a beautiful vision to behold. Maybe that’s why we all get so excited when there is a wedding. These celebrations encompass all our hopes of the best to come for the new couple.

So with all this positivity and well wishes and great intentions, why do so many marriages falter? As a relationship expert and therapist, I help many couples find their way back to being “in a good place” with each other.

Those amazing feelings we experience at the beginning of our relationships are designed to help us as a couple. Afterward, most people just expect everything to work out, only it doesn’t. That “high” we might have been feeling is fleeting. And sometimes at this stage couples can begin to find fault with each other.

So why does this happen? I believe it’s easier to fall in love than be in a relationship. Think about yourself and ask yourself this question. Do you know how to be a good mate? You are probably a well developed individual and you will probably say this about your partner.

What I have found is that all the couples I work with have a few things in common. They all start out loving each other and then they end up wondering if the relationship will work.

Many of us don’t think about how to be a good mate though. Most of us in relationships just believe that we should be happy, and that it’s our partner’s responsibility to make it so. When we feel uneasy or unhappy, we often strike out at the one we call beloved. This causes a disruption and a disconnection between you and the one you love.

When we couple with our special person, the feelings we experience are so powerful and intense, we sometimes subconsciously believe that because everything feels so right, it will always feel this way. This euphoria is a wonderful feeling. I wish this could be true. Unfortunately it is not.

I like to help people understand simple elements of what makes a good relationship. The skills are not hard once learned. But many couples expect things to get better on their own, and they don’t. Nothing will ever get better unless some changes are actively made.

One new skill involves becoming aware of how we talk to our mate. For instance: suppose you get unhappy because your partner does not pick up his socks. How do you let him know you would like different behavior? In this case, you might say, “I have told you 100 times to put your socks in the dirty laundry. When are you going to do this?” Or, maybe you would just roll your eyes and pick them up yourself.

Both of these examples send a message to your mate. The former loudly signals that you are upset. The second one might tell your partner you are beyond just upset, that you are annoyed and angry. And these actions will result in a negative reaction from your partner. He might defend himself or get mad at you for complaining.

Inevitably, this leads to a disagreement between the two of you, one that could lead to other issues you both might be carrying. An argument simply about socks could turn into a fight about the laundry or dinner – and it might even turn into a fight about fighting.

That’s when the hardening starts, when a married couple stops seeing each other as loving mates. Instead, each sees the other as the one who is irritating them.

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To get an idea of how to speak to your mate about problems, you could begin to listen to yourself. Start by asking yourself, “Would I say this sentence the same way if I were speaking lovingly to a 2-year-old child?”

In my experience I have found that if you can be kind, you have a 70 percent chance of keeping your relationship intact. To increase the likelihood of your own marriage’s success even further, you should try this next concept.

As wild as that may sound, let that be your guide. Be loving with your words, even if you have something forceful to say. Remember that you love her. Your words will be a sample of what lies in your heart. You must be kind to the person who wants to spend their life with you. Don’t forget how tender the heart can be.

Accept your partner as she is. That’s a big phrase, so let me define it more clearly: you do not have to agree with everything she says. What it does mean is that she has a right to her thoughts, even if they don’t match yours. If you can learn how to be with your partner and allow her to be herself, both of you will flourish.

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It turns out that everyone in a relationship wants to feel safe to be themselves, loved for who they are, and valued by the person they love. If you can give this to your mate, you will be giving him the gift of a lifetime. And then it’s a no-brainer, if each of you feels safe, loved and valued, your marriage can thrive.

Linda Nusbaum, Marriage and Family Therapist, is a relationship counselor in Long Beach, CA.

honeymoon Travel Feature:

Loco Gringo ocoGringo started in 1996 as a husband and wife team renting villas and accommodations to adventure – seeking travelers. Our connections started in the cave diving industry, a passion that inspired our move to the Riviera Maya in the early 90s. LocoGringo Vacation Rentals was an online innovation for the Riviera Maya and boosted the vacation housing market.

forum for dedicated Riviera Maya advocates and new visitors looking for the inside scoop.

As demand for our local, on-the-ground expertise and insight grew, LocoGringo expanded its vacation rental services to include tourism services, the first service thought of as the most comprehensive online visitors guide about the area. As our enthusiasm for sharing local information increased, so did our community, online, and on the ground. We started the first online

We continue to explore, experience, and sustain what we think vacations and travel are all about, and it seems others agree with our travel philosophy.

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Today, LocoGringo is well-known to vacationers and travelers to Mexico.

Our diverse inventory of villas, vacation houses, and hotels, coupled with the wealth of travel information we share, has organically met the travel needs of today’s global citizen.

www.locogringo.com 1-800-478-0081 Photos by Gary Walten

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Real Weddings

jen & Tori November 11, 2014

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Derek Chad Photography

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Ceremony and Reception Hard Rock Hotel, San Diego, CA

Flowers Organic Flora, Leela

Wedding Planner San Diego Weddings by Gina

Officiant Morton Beruge (Friend)

DJ Injoy Entertainment, Chad

Cake Babycakes

Photographer Derek Chad Photography

Hair & Makeup Justine and Carina

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Real Weddings

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DA & FRED June 8, 2014

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he first time we met, we were dating other people. And some time passed before we had our first official date on Valentine’s Day and Da’s 25th birthday in 2010. It was unpredictable, and unpredictable became our goal in dating. Fred discovered Carnegie Hall; Da discovered the golf course.

We moved in together after six months, on Fred’s birthday, because we wanted to wake up together every morning. Since then, we’ve come to be defined by our connection more than our activities. Fred realized in a dream that he was going to propose, and he did on the fourth anniversary of our first date - (not caring that Valentine’s Day is such a cliché for engagements!).

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We had an intimate sit down dinner for 40, with a mix of very close family and friends. Our guests were from all walks of life, so we mixed everyone together with people we thought they’d enjoy. Menu was served family style. Each of the three tables was named for a film stock and had disposable cameras for guests to shoot with. Table cards were pseudo postcards that included (1) guest’s name (2) a print of a photo taken by Da (3) and the name of the table.

One of the reasons why we chose The Library - was because it was an already well furnished space with a lot of character, lots of wood paneling, and leather banquettes, a great bar, vintage theater posters, and books and photos throughout the space.

The space is very woody, so we accentuated the space with succulents. We ordered the plants and replanted them in mason jars. The jars were both favors and place cards - we put guests’ names on the under side of the mason jar - the lid as the name places.

Chocolate Golf Balls! In addition to the succulents having realized last minute that many of wedding details were very “Da-centric” (photography related) - we ordered “sleeves” of chocolate golf balls from Lindt for each guest, tied with a note “Thank You ‘Fore’ Coming!”

We requested an unplugged wedding - especially during the ceremony. Those who were itching to take photos had to use either Fuji Instax cameras we provided and photographer Meg Miller, or the disposable cameras provided at the tables. gayweddingsandmarriage.com / GWM 59

Photographer Meg Miller Photography Ceremony Site The Library at the Public Theater Officiate Graham Parker Wedding Rings David Yurman Reception Site Coordinator KB Berton Caterer The Library Cake Pan de Sal Flowers Provided by the couple Ceremony Music Kristi Shade

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-EngagedUnique ways to announce your engagement hen you and your partner decided to make it official and get engaged to be married, your first instinct is to shout the amazing news from the rooftops!

However, there are many more appropriate (and effective) ways to tell people you have decided to tie the knot. When it comes to sharing your big news, we think the best way to announce your engagement to friends and family is to do it in a way that reflects your style as a couple.

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The Old-Fashioned Couple For couples that consider themselves more old-fashioned, creating a traditional engagement announcement to be sent through the mail is a classic way to share the news. Creating a custom engagement announcement complete with a gorgeous picture of the two of you together is something that your friends and family will appreciate receiving. Similarly, it will be a keepsake that you and your partner can cherish forever.

The Tech-Savvy Couple Tech-savvy couples that are always plugged-in may find that the Internet is the most effective way to share their news with their social network. For some couples, adding the engagement to their Facebook timeline is enough of an impact. Other couples, however, may go above and beyond and use other mediums on the Internet as a way to create somewhat of a virtual engagement announcement. Whether

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you post a movie trailer-esque announcement video on YouTube, or simply a heartfelt blog post on your personal website, the Internet provides tons of fresh, modern, and creative ways to spread the news of your engagement.

to everyone at once, just think of the excitement that will be in the air after you let everyone you love in the loop about your engagement. It will give every partygoer something exciting to celebrate and will allow everyone to share his or her sentiments in person.

The Party Couple

The Spontaneous Couple

If you and your partner are the life of every party, consider announcing your engagement at a party! Invite everyone in your group out for dinner, drinks, or dancing. Then, announce your news in person to the room full of your friends and family. Not only will you get to announce the news

While this tactic isn’t for everyone, for the couple who is known as being exciting and impulsive, consider inviting your friends and family to an intimate gathering‌ that turns out to be your wedding! It takes a lot of work to plan a surprise wedding without your friends and family knowing, so

A spontaneous party is a fun and unique way to announce your engagement! if you are bad at bluffing, this isn’t the approach for you. Springing the surprise engagement/wedding on family and friends might be a shock, but there are certain perks to this kind of party. Not only does it take a lot of

the stress out of planning, you don’t put unnecessary expectations on your guests about what to wear or what etiquette to adhere to. Take a look on the Internet for inspirational stories about other couples have thrown

surprise weddings in the past. We think if you and your partner are a couple that is full of surprises, announcing your wedding in this way will surely create an event that no one will soon forget!

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Real Weddings

Matt & LD April 19, 2014

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This Modern Romance Photography

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San Diego Planning and Design Francine Ribeau Events Photography: This Modern Romance Florist Primary Petals Venue O’Donnell House Rentals Classic Party Rentals 68 GWM / March 2015

Linens La Tavola Fine Linens Calligraphy Twinkle and Toast Desserts Sweet and Saucy Shop Groom’s Attire (Custom) Men’s Trunk Club

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Family

-Carriage Before MarriageA Man Marries His Babies’ Daddy

By Cameron Barnes rian Rosenberg and Ferd van Gameren are the founders of GayswithKids.com, an online community that aims to normalize the experience of gay parenting by sharing stories, news, advice, and in-depth reporting on topics of interest to gay dads, many of which are typically not covered in mainstream media.

In addition to being partners in the office, Brian and Ferd are partners in life. Love came first for the handsome couple, but marriage came after carriage, making for a spectacular ceremony that was a true family affair.

We spoke with Brian Ferdinand about his magical day.

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Q: When did you first know that Ferd was the man you would marry?

Brian Rosenberg: I knew almost from the beginning, but back in those days (1993), marriage wasn’t an option so it wasn’t even a concept to consider.

Q: Is that why you waited 20 years to finally put a ring on it?

Our close friends, another gay couple, got married at the end of March 2012.

Seeing them exchange vows 70 GWM / March 2015

reminded me how badly I wanted to marry the man I’ve loved for so many years.

Also, they invited our son to be their ring-bearer.

Watching Levi walk down the aisle, I knew then that not only did I want to get married to Ferd, but I also wanted to have our children participate in the ceremony.

Q: How did you propose?

Ferd had arranged to take me to a surprise dinner for my birthday. I realized that dinner would be the perfect time to propose. I had signs made that asked Ferd to marry me. At the end of the meal, along with my birthday cake, the kitchen and wait staff came out holding the signs.

Q: What was the first thing you did after he said yes?

We agreed on the date. In three months, we would be celebrating our 20th anniversary. After all these years, I wanted to continue to celebrate our anniversary on June 20, so we agreed to get married exactly three months later. After all, what better way to celebrate our 20th anniversary than by getting legally married?

Q: Did you hire a wedding planner?

I have many years’ experience

Robert Figueroa Photography

“A f t e r a l l , w h a t b e t t e r w a y t o c e l e b r a t e o u r 2 0 t h a n n i v e r s a r y t h a n b y g e t t i n g l e g a l l y m a r r i e d ? ”

running corporate events so we tried doing it all on our own. We quickly realized we needed help, especially since we had given ourselves only three months to plan the wedding. We hired Michael Dolan, who owns Avenue Event Management in Toronto.

our family in the ceremony. Our parents (Brian’s parents and Ferd’s mother) walked us down the aisle and stood under the “Chuppah” (traditional Jewish wedding tent) with us. Levi (their son) was ring-bearer. Sadie and Ella (their twin daughters) were our flower girls.

Q: Where did the ceremony take place?

Our ceremony took place in the music room of the Hart House, a beautiful building on the University of Toronto campus. The university just happened to be holding a gay pride fair that same day in the courtyard behind the building. We were able to look out the window where we signed our “ketubah” (a Jewish wedding contract) and see all the activity.

Q: Did guests come from all over?

We had guests from the Netherlands, Boston, New York City, Connecticut, Florida, California, and Toronto. Ferd’s family arrived a few days early and stayed with us. We had cookouts on our deck, made day-trips to Toronto and Niagara Falls. Our New York friends took us out for a bachelor party the night before our wedding.

Q: Were you married by a rabbi?

We were married by a cantor who had performed same-sex weddings before.

Ferd grew up Catholic. As a boy, he wanted to become pope. He hoped to be the second Dutch pope in history (after Adrian VI who became pope in 1522). He now has no real religious affiliation. I am culturally Jewish: I celebrate the holidays and love the food.

Q: Who made up the wedding party?

We decided against the more traditional wedding party. Instead we involved only

Q: How did you decide what you would wear for the big day?

We splurged and had custom suits made.

They didn’t match, but, in tailor’s lingo, we were “coordinated.” We changed into different shirts and bowties for the reception and dinner.

Q: And the rings? After twenty years, they had to be good!

We appreciate simplicity, so we chose smooth platinum rings. I don’t remember where we bought them.

Q: Where did you hold the reception?

We wanted the reception venue to be meaningful, so that meant we would not be hosting it someplace we had never been or would likely never go to again.

We also wanted to have an excellent meal, and top-notch wine, which is not typically a hallmark of weddings.

We found the perfect solution: Our favorite restaurant, the Harbord Room, was renovating a new restaurant they planned to open right around the date of our wedding. They promised they’d be ready for us, and they promised an unforgettable reception. They delivered as promised!

Q: Was there a theme?

The theme was really delicious food and lots of it, along with wine and other specialty beverages that did not stop flowing.

Q: Who chose the menu?

We left that up to the chef. We loved everything he suggested. The only addition we made was to sliders and pizza as a late course at the end of the reception.

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Q. How long was the celebration?

The wedding was on Saturday night, and on Sunday we held a brunch (generously paid for by our folks) for all the guests visiting from out of town.

Q. Any Bridezilla moments?

None! Ferd and I are both dramaaverse. We always agree on the important things.

Q. No last minute jitters?

No doubts at all! The day before the wedding the forecast was a little chilly, and that made me a little nervous, but the weather turned out more than just fine; it was beautiful.

Q. What was the most memorable experience of the day?

Acknowledging our love for each other so publicly. Unforgettable.

Q. What’s your advice to gay men and women planning nuptials?

Your wedding should be for you and about you, from the guest list to the type of ceremony and the location of the reception. From where you want to splurge to where you need to cut back.

Keep true to your dreams and it’ll be your perfect day.

Q. And for the many unmarried gay dads and moms living with life partners?

I know first-hand that your lives are already hectic and you probably feel that having a wedding is a large and unplanned expense. But the day will be incredibly special for you and your children, and it’ll create absolutely wonderful lifetime memories for you all to cherish.

To learn more about Brian and Ferd, visit them at www.gayswithkids.com.

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transgender

-Transgender MarriageBy Michael Eric Brown n January 6, 2015, Florida became the 36th U.S. state to legally recognize same-sex marriages. By mid-year, the Supreme Court will decide once and for all on the constitutional legality of all same-sex marriages in the United States. Activists have been working toward this legal recognition of same-sex marriages for many years, and it’s important to understand that transgender men and women have been active in this same struggle right alongside of gays and lesbians.

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To understand the significance and the issues of transgender men and women who want and need their marriage to be legally recognized, it’s important to understand that transgender people can be gay or lesbian, as well as heterosexual, and many face an additional and unique set of challenges not generally encountered by gay and lesbian couples.

The Challenges When a transgender man or woman is legally recognized as their affirmed gender, and their identity documents reflect this, they can generally legally marry a person considered to be the “opposite” gender. But if they are gay or lesbian and wish to marry, they can only be legally wed if they are within a state that recognizes same-sex marriages.

Think about what happens when identity documents don’t match a person’s gender. If a transgender man wishes to marry a biological woman, and he is not recognized by a state or government entity to be a man, then it’s considered to be a “same-sex” relationship in the eyes of the law.

If a transgender woman who is legally recognized as a female wishes to marry a transman who has not had his identity documents changed, then the marriage is once again considered “same-sex.” What about a transgender man who is legally recognized as

If a couple ... begins the process of gender transition during the marriage, what happens to the marriage? a male who wants to marry his biologically male boyfriend? It’s considered a same-sex marriage, of course.

These are just a few examples that transgender people often confront when simply trying to marry the person they love, and the same-sex marriage issue encompasses much more than just the ability to marry, as most gay and lesbian couples already know. It can affect not only the ability to legally marry the person they love, but also any spousal benefits, inheritance rights, custody disputes and the division of marital property in case of divorce. Add to this the issues that come up when a transgender person’s legal documents don’t accurately reflect his or her gender.

Proving Your Identity Getting legal documents changed to reflect your new name and gender is not always easy or even possible. To get married in some states, you are required to show your birth certificate.

In most U.S. states, getting a birth certificate changed to your new name and gender is possible, though not always uncomplicated. In a few states, however, it’s not an option to change the gender marker on your birth certificate. This means you’ll need to come up with additional legal documents to prove your identity, such as a passport or government-issued ID that shows your birth date and social security number. Then you have to hope the document(s) will be accepted by the clerk.

Although some states will change a birth certificate to reflect the new gender if one can produce a court-order specifying the gender change, others will only recognize a gender change if one has had gender reassignment surgery. The Federal Government ruled in 2013, as far as Social Security is concerned that surgery is not necessary to change one’s gender with them. According to Lambda Legal, “courts in Texas and Kansas have ruled in marriage cases that no amount of surgery, document changes or time spent living in accordance with one’s gender identity is enough to alter a person’s gender in the eyes of the law.”

If a couple has been married for any length of time, and one begins the process of gender transition during the marriage, what happens to the legal gayweddingsandmarriage.com / GWM 73

Cyndi Hardy Photography 623.252.1582

status of the marriage? According to some unions, insurance companies and other benefit providers, the marriage, in their eyes, suddenly isn’t “valid” any longer, meaning they refuse to acknowledge it and therefore are no longer financially bound to pay out in the case of retirement, disability or death. There have also been instances of some state courts invalidating marriages where one spouse is transgender, claiming one’s chromosomes or inspection of anatomy at birth is what determines one’s sex, and no amount of medical intervention (surgery, hormone replacement therapy, etc.) will change this.

This is just a short list of issues that transgender men and women face when they wish to marry the person they love. There are a surplus of other considerations, hoops, and loopholes that many have to struggle with in order to get married, stay married, and embrace the benefits of marriage in the eyes of the law.

Getting Married?

Protect Yourselves For transgender men and women who are considering marriage, there are several measures you can take in order to ensure the same protections that non-transgender couples enjoy, such as creating a Last Will and Testament for both spouses, and financial and medical powers of attorney in which each spouse designates the other to be his or her legal agent.

Along with these documents, follow civil rights Attorney Shannon Minter’s advice and create “a written personal relationship agreement including a detailed account of each spouse’s rights and responsibilities with regard to finances, property, support, children, and any other issues that are important to the couple. The agreement should also include an acknowledgment that the non-transgender partner is aware that his or her spouse is transgender, to avoid any later claims of fraud or deception.”

The Good News Many transgender men and women do get married legally. These men and women have found their life partners and have made the timehonored commitment to love and cherish each other through good times and bad times.

Love transpires regardless of gender, race, ethnicity, political party, immigration status, religion or disability. It just happens, and there is no amount of legal, religious or political persuasion that is able to prevent two people from feeling the emotional high of loving each other.

America has come a very long way in the last 11 years in the rights of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people to marry the person they love. Someday the struggles and barriers will cease to be issues, and it will be the one of the biggest civil liberties victory of the century.

Source links can be found at www.gayweddingsmag.com 74 GWM / March 2015

aylifeafter40.com is a site that will provide realistic solutions to everyday problems that occur from relationship issues to health to family dynamics. Focusing on youth is great , but what we’d like to do is open people’s eyes to the entire LGBT lifespan.

Midlife transitions can mark a period of tremendous growth. What you do with these valuable years is up to you. Learning to accept all the physical and emotional changes that come with getting older is the key. Every age and stage in one’s life has its beauty. This site will give you an opportunity to be engaged and explore new concepts and trends and explore some of that beauty as well. Additionally we offer private and group life coaching sessions.

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GWM would like to share Jack and Scott’s story with you; just one of the touching love stories from Gay Life After 40.

Jack: Scott’s partner of 13 years and my partner of 25 years died 3 months apart and we met online approximately a year later in the gay.com Fort Lauderdale chat room. Scott saw my profile in December 2001. He had just celebrated the first anniversary of his partner’s passing and I was facing the same within the month. He reached out to me and told me how he celebrated his late partner’s life on the anniversary by having a party in his honor the weekend before and the day of he walked one of their favorite beaches.

Scott: We talked almost every night after that by in chat and on the phone. I

invited Jack to my home on New Year’s Eve for a drink but he decided at the last minute that meeting someone at my home wasn’t a good idea since he really didn’t know me. We met at a bar a week later. Jack walked in and he was talking to a mutual friend of ours (there’s your sign!). We hit it off immediately and dated for year. I wanted to leave Florida and move back home to Winston-Salem NC where my family was and Jack decided to make the move with me so we could start a new life living together.

We’ve been together now for a little over 13 years.

Our Wedding We married September 12, 2014 in the UCC church that I ( Jack) was raised in on Long Island, New York since gay marriage wasn’t legal in NC. Approximately 60 people of both our families and friends celebrated our joy with us that day as our two families became one. Our wedding party consisted only of relatives from both sides of the family signifying the union between both families.

Both of our families were united in showing their support by providing advice, making the wedding cake, providing the topper for the cake, helping decorate the venue, doing almost all of the photography, etc. and basically just loving both

of us. My 91 year old dad (retired judge) was supposed to perform the ceremony but at the last minute couldn’t. He was, however, able to read a special poem for us at the beginning of the ceremony.

One of the highlights of our ceremony was having a picture of our late partners with a candle on each side of the altar to remember and honor them as well as thank them for bringing us together. We lit the candle for each other’s partner and then used those candles to light our unity candle. Shortly after that, we became legal in NC. People ask us if it’s different being married. Yes… not sure exactly what it is but there’s a different feeling knowing that we’re truly and legally committed to each other.

What We Learned from Past Relationships Scott’s relationship with his late partner was unique in the fact that, not only were they deeply in love, they were in sync 99% of the time. They

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shared many of the same likes and dislikes and rarely argued.

My relationship with my late partner was very loving but extremely volatile at times. When he passed, I decided that I needed to find someone who wasn’t anything like him and someone I could depend on.

What we’ve had to learn to do is bring both of our long term relationships together as one… not easy. Just bringing the two homes (including 5 sets of dishes) was a challenge – LOL. We each had certain expectations when we started our relationship that we’ve had to adjust quite a few times. Over the years, we’ve tried to put into “real time” that that it takes two people, willing to accept the best and worst in each other, working constantly at building a life where a lot of baggage has been brought along. We’ve learned to make our differences work to our advantage making it not about us as individuals but us as a couple. Do we make mistakes? Of course we do but we learn from them, don’t dwell on them, and move on to the next mistake. LOL. Okay… not a mistake… it’s a learning experience.

you make the relationship stronger, you make each other stronger and happier in the process. There are going to be little quirks in each other that you will need to overlook and learn to laugh at because they’re not going to change.

Just accept it! As they say, choose your battles wisely and don’t sweat the small stuff. Remember to give each other space to do your own thing… doing things apart brings new experiences into the relationship… major plus! Above all, always take the time to just touch, hug & kiss each other. On an added note, one of the things we do from time to time is give each other little gifts and put them in different places where we’ll find them when least expected. They don’t even have to be expensive but have some meaning of how you’re thinking of them at that time. Best advice is to love each other as you want to be loved…. seriously works!

What We Love Most About Our Relationship and Partner

What Advice Do We Give to Other Couples?

We both agree that the thing we love most about our relationship is having someone in your corner 24/7 that loves you unconditionally. We can count on each other to always work as a team and where one leaves off, the other picks up.

Young people have so many wonderful opportunities ahead of them living in a world that accepts gay life instead of living life hiding who you are. First of all, don’t jump into living together. We took our time dating and getting to know each other before we decided to take that step. Be open and honest with each other although sometimes it makes no sense. Good communication is the key to any successful marriage as well as being open to changes and making them work to your advantage. Be totally there for each other through good times and bad and always be willing to take that extra step to make the relationship stronger. If

Jack: There are many things I love about Scott but I think the one thing I most admire about him is his talent and passion with his painting, sketching and photography. He has a knack of noticing the little things in his art as he does in our life together. He has a heart of gold that shines, not only to me, but to our relatives and friends as well… not to mention our five kids (three dogs and two cats). Lastly, he always makes me laugh. I can be having a serious discussion with him and he comes out with something that is so off the wall that it makes it very difficult to continue the seriousness. Gotta love the man!

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Scott: Jack balances my life. He does all the little things to show his love.

He meets me halfway when I know he doesn’t want to, listens to all my ideas and thoughts and keeps us connected on an emotional level. He tries to promote my art career although he doesn’t quite understand the art… yes… doing my best to teach him. He’s fun to be around and does his best to remind me that life isn’t meant to be all serious.

I love our friendly bantering in public which our friends and families think is a hoot. He completes me in many ways which bonds our lives together.

Goals As A Couple As we head into our retirement years, we need to make sure we have the money we need to do whatever we want and live comfortably. We hope to do some traveling and doing things we haven’t been able to do due to our work schedules. As we discovered when I was unemployed, we also need to find ways of not getting on each other’s nerves when we’re together 24/7 – LOL. Ultimately, our goal is to keep striving to enrich our relationship, keep each other happy and live out our lives with as much love as we can handle.

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Please contact us. We would love to hear from you!

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hy plan a Hawaii Destination Wedding?

Try year-round gorgeous sunny weather, some of the top pristine beaches in the world, active volcanoes, towering mountains just to start... convinced yet? Hawaii Weddingmoons is here to convince you! The Aloha state warmly welcomes LGBT couples. Same sex marriage was finally legalized in November 2013!

The Big Island of Hawaii is an Island of pure adventure and romance.

Excitement awaits LGBT couples with an average year-round temperature of 83 degrees; this paradise island sets the perfect backdrop to a divine ceremony and honeymoon perfect for intimate getaways or reunions with family and friends. From the stunning isolated beaches to its lush tropical rainforests all designed to create memories that will last a lifetime.

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The Big Island is home to one of the world’s most Active Volcano Kilauea where steady lava activity is constantly adding to the islands mass, Hawaii’s variety of climates offers everything from volcanic desserts, lush green rainforests, snow-capped mountains, to beautiful white, black and green sand beaches! Yes that’s right White Sand, Green Sand & Black Sand Beach all on one Big Island!

Kehena Beach is the best LGBT friendly beach in the Hawaiian Island chain. Swim with sea turtles, spinner dolphin and an abundance of tropical fish on this clothing optional black sand beach. Hawaii offers a range of activities for the adventurous and romantic, Sunset Whale Watch Cruises, Snorkeling with the Manta Rays, Boat Ride to Kilauea’s red-hot lavas edge at night.

While some of our couples prefer relaxing beachfront to zip lining over waterfalls, some beautiful sites and activities can’t be missed: Hiking down a beautiful tropical trail leading to a black sand beach: Explore Botanical Gardens leading the way to majestic waterfalls. Take a ride by boat to red hot lavas edge at night: snorkel with mysterious manta rays, canyons tropical reefs full of Hawaii’s Natural marine life; come face to face with sea turtles, dolphin pods and other underwater creatures; saddle up with Hawaii Horseback adventure like a Hawaiian Cowboy for a trail ride or get on an ATV and explore through Waipio (The Valley of the Kings).

After all the adventure you may need some R&R serenity, catch a green flash at sunset with a drink in your hand and toes in the sand! After all this is one Big Island to explore, be sure to

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set aside some time for a few relaxing days whether it’s the beach, spa, yoga or simply reading a book under the palm tree sway. Stroll hand in hand along a pristine secluded beach, or grab your partner for beachfront Yoga, the Big Island is sure to offer the perfect serenity setting.

Hawaii offers delectable menus from farm to table. The Island provides year round Island fresh, locally grown produce, Fruits, Flowers, fresh fish, Island cattle, Macadamia nut farms, coffee plantations and so much more.

These local products provide the perfect farm to table Menu freshly prepared to suite any taste.

When it comes to Wedding Venue locations, Hawaii has them all: Beachfront Estates, Helicopter Adventure, Zip lining to “I DO”, tropical rainforest, luxury resorts, weddings

on the water, historical sites, beachfront churches, botanical gardens, local ranches, the Big Island options are endless!

“Our love like this beautiful Island just blossomed here.”

Alex & Robby

Hawaii Weddingmoons Offers All Inclusive Packages, Day of Coordination, and Wedding & Event Planning.

“The Hawaiian moonlight and brilliant night sky seem custom made for Romance, the Island begs you to slow down forget your worries, immerse yourself in the balmy tropical air the golden sunset and blue Hawaiian waters. This magical

island is the perfect backdrop to your most perfect day!” Hawaii Weddingmoons gayweddingsandmarriage.com / GWM 79

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