Building Self-Esteem

By Dr. Jill Gover

Self-esteem is at the core of psychological health. When we believe we are important, we act in ways that support our belief, and it becomes a positive self-fulfilling prophecy. But so often, we’re our own worst enemy, undermining our best efforts and creating a negative self-fulfilling prophecy.

Initially, as babies, we have no judgement about ourselves or the world. As we grow older, however, we experience judgment and rejection from others, and slowly we internalize this disapproval until we come to believe there’s something wrong, not just with what we did, but with who we are. We become our harshest critic, punishing, and shaming ourselves. We end up blaming others, bragging, making excuses, turning to alcohol or other drugs, or engaging in other self-destructive behavior in order not to feel the pain caused by such self-rejection. It’s as if some invisible, mean-spirited little creature were sitting by our ears, continually nitpicking, whispering critical comments, and sabotaging our attempts to be successful. We must learn to silence this critical voice in order to build self-esteem.

When we hear the same negative self-talk repeatedly, day after day, the thoughts become so automatic we don’t even realize we’re thinking them. Catching the nitpicker in the act requires focused attention. We must monitor our thoughts the way a security guard monitors a TV screen. Every time we identify a self-criticism, we need to write it down. By putting the nitpicker’s attacks into words that spotlight the negative thoughts, we make it easier to examine them and conclude they are filled with lies, tricks, and exaggerations.

Our self-esteem can’t improve until we talk back and counterattack the nitpicker. One way to disarm a phony is to call its bluff. Look at the facts. Does goofing up one time mean you always mess up? If you fail at one thing, does this negate everything at which you are good? If you did something wrong, does this mean you are a terrible person, or does it mean you made a poor choice? Putting things in perspective diffuses the power of the nitpicker who loves to lie, exaggerate, and distort reality.

Affirmations also weaken the nitpicker. We need to give ourselves permission to celebrate who we are. There are so many myths in our society about acknowledging our strengths. We’re taught to believe that positive self-talk is bragging, and that patting ourselves on the back will reduce motivation to achieve. This “stroke deprivation” mentality fuels the nitpicker and erodes our self-esteem. When we’re able to replace the critical voice with positive affirmations of self-worth, we destroy the pathological inner critic in our head.

There are no magic wands that instantly eliminate this critical voice, but over time, these techniques will lower it until it’s barely audible. The good news is that we can increase our self-esteem by learning to love and forgive ourselves in the same way we love and forgive others. When we expose that nasty nitpicker as a liar, we free ourselves from the chains of cognitive distortion and denial, opening the doors to myriad wonderful possibilities.