Peter Spring Night at the Beach & Flourish

PETER SPRING HE/HIM

Night at the Beach

Flourish

Flourish uses plant and flower imagery to explore the concept of the body, especially the genitals and the beauty of that area. I find it empowering that like flowers, that area comes in all shapes and forms.

INTERVIEW

EAR TO

THE GROUNDBODIES EDITION

CHANDRA ALTOFF

Nursing student Chandra (they/them/ he) is a proud Indigenous queer person. They’ve navigated ADHD, eating disorders and have shared a snippet of their journey with us.

WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO CONTRIBUTE TO THIS ISSUE OF GENZINE?

I just find the prompts really helpful for thinking about things. When you’re looking at the prompts, it’s like, ‘Okay, why do I feel this way?’ And it starts to get deeper and make more sense. It’s nice being involved and having a reason to do creative stuff.

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF IN THREE WORDS??

Bit of everything. Childish. Dreamer. Jack-of-all-trades.

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR BODY IN THREE WORDS?

Soft. Strong. Sturdy.

WHAT’S YOUR EARLIEST MEMORY OF NOTICING YOUR OWN BODY?

Probably kindergarten. I was always bigger than all the other kids and kids notice, so you sort of figure it out that way. You don’t really see yourself, but you see how other people see you. Primary school was a very long time ago, so hopefully things are a bit better now, but they had public weigh-ins for students during P.E, and I would be told I weigh too much for my height.

WHAT’S YOUR EARLIEST MEMORY OF NOTICING OTHER PEOPLE’S BODIES?

Probably Grade 6, so heading into puberty, at around 12. Everybody looked different and it was sort of like becoming aware of that. This was definitely associated with the realisation of ‘I’m attracted to that’, or, ‘I’m not attracted to that’. It was the time of getting all this information and just sitting with it.

HOW WOULD YOU SAY YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BODY HAS CHANGED OVER THE YEARS?

It’s always been very up and down. I’ve always been a bigger person and I’ve gone through all this eating disorder stuff as well. I think at some point you get so sick of your own bullshit, you do a big overhaul. For example, eight years ago I lost like eighty kilos relatively quickly. I was going to the gym and I started seeing someone that was quite conservative and that also ties in to how I was experiencing gender at the time. He was very negative and would tell me that he didn’t like the way I looked, but I put out, so, you know. But I was also wanting to fit into that box and to feel like my body was at a ‘normal’ size, so I enjoyed feeling like I could fit in.

When the eating disorder came back, I moved between phases of disordered eating. Food became unsafe, sensually, and I decided it was time to go inwards again and get more comfortable in my body, get strong again. It’s gone up and down though, and COVID didn’t help - that really sort of threw me into a hole, and I’m still trying to climb out of it, but I’ve got a much more solid idea of how I want to be now.

WHEN DO YOU FEEL MOST CONNECTED WITH YOUR BODY?

At the gym. Especially when I’m lifting something heavy or moving something heavy, and I feel all these muscles that I didn’t realise were there. Then afterwards I’m like, ‘Why does that hurt? What was I doing that made that happen?’. I like that connection. It really helps, being able to step back and be like, ‘Yes, I’m strong’.

Especially with the gender stuff, I was like, “Ok, I know how I want to look. I know that top surgery is my goal and I want this kind of body; how do I make it happen?” I found a really great personal trainer now who works with a lot of queer people and has helped build people up ready for top surgery, helped them build the bodies that they want.

WHEN DO YOU FIND IT MOST DIFFICULT TO APPRECIATE YOUR BODY?

When it doesn’t behave how I want it to. Like if it hurts in a strange way or feels a way that I haven’t told it to. It’s the feeling of being let down. Like, ‘You should be stronger than this.’ Mostly I don’t ever feel entirely comfortable anyway. Almost as though I have to prove my worth. I’m always just a little bit uncomfortable.

WHAT PART OF YOURS AND/OR OTHERS’ BODIES DO YOU FIND MOST INTERESTING AND WHY?

In terms of other people, I always find people’s arms really interesting. I like how they move and how they keep them because I know I get the T-rex arms sometimes and I don’t know what to do with them. Biceps are just really great too. Arms also get to do all the hugging and the supporting and that kind of stuff.

WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND TO BE MOST HELPFUL IN YOUR JOURNEY TO APPRECIATE YOUR BODY?

I think it’s finding people who are okay with me as I already am. I mean, there’s somebody I’m kind of seeing at the moment who will call me beautiful when I look like a mess. So it’s nice to have someone who doesn’t look at me negatively, which is the way I look at myself from the inside out.

You start to know how you feel within yourself as you get older and stuff doesn’t hurt the way it did when I was younger.

Interviewed by Emily Bartush (she/they)

HEAVENLY BODIES CHANDRA ALTOFF (THEY/THEM/HE) @DARLINGSPARKS

CJ STARC HE/THEY @GENRENONMERCI