9 Keys to Building a Bulletproof Marriage

Written by Justin Neil Gaynor

Love is the first key to building a bulletproof marriage. It may seem like an obvious thing, but people’s ideas of love and how it is expressed, how it is best received, and so forth can be very, very different. Within marriage, there should be a ‘sibling’ type of love. A sense that this person is now as much my family as my blood relatives since we have become “one flesh” as Scripture puts it. So, in the same way that a gentleman’s brother will always be their brother, or their sister will always be their sister, this woman that you married will always be with you and is not a person that can, or should, ever be cast aside at some point if you are so inclined. Then there is the Hebrew word for love, Hesed, and this is a heart position of absolute steadfast, committed connection, charity, and contribution to their well-being. It is similar to the Greek word for love, agape, which is a self-sacrificing love, the best example of which we see in Jesus’ willingness to suffer the humiliating public death on a Roman cross in order to redeem and win the love of His bride, the church. Love is absolutely key to a bulletproof marriage.

The next key to a bulletproof marriage is joy. As gentlemen, we should be prayerfully intentional about being a source of joy in the life of our wives that is second only to God Himself. That means understanding those things that make your wife joyful and asking the Lord to help you generate that joy in her heart. Please understand, that joy is something very different than happiness. Happy is the person whose God is the LORD, but joy is a sustainable and enduring sense of grateful delight, contentment, hope and positive long-term outlook. Real joy is very hard to shake or be stolen by circumstances or the workings of dark spiritual forces. Being a source of and contributor to the joy of your wife is essential to a bulletproof marriage.

Peace, the very Jewish sense of it, is the next key to a bulletproof marriage. Peace, or shalom, in the Hebrew is not simply a lack of difficulty or conflict, but it is a sense of completeness that is felt as the prayer of Jesus in John 17 becomes fulfilled in increasing measure. That “they would be one” in the same way that Jesus and God the Father are one. The worldly idea that a person can be at peace, or complete, void of other people is simple not the way God has designed the human collective. There is a completeness that increases as people come together and fit into each other’s lives in the ways that God intended. This is vital when it comes to a man and a woman that God brings together in the covenant of marriage. That is why it is written, “what God has joined together, let not humans tear asunder.”

The fourth key to a bulletproof marriage is patience, or long-suffering. This is an attribute that is developed over time. It is often tested and yet offers tremendous reward on the other side of trials and difficulties faithfully and successfully endured. When a man and a woman come together in marriage it is best they do so with a sober sense of things. When people first fall in love there are all sorts of chemical and hormonal things going on that hinder us from thinking wisely and clearly. That is not a bad thing, but as a gentleman, you will be the spiritual leader of this covenant relationship. It is a God ordained position that you are not to outsource or shrink back from. In this context, it means that you are responsible for being aware of, and making known to your beloved, that neither of you are without sin. You have the responsibility to prayerfully receive feedback from your wife about sin in your life that she perceives. She is your glory and your helpmeet, your sustainer. It would be foolish of you to not accept such feedback. You also need to be intentional about making it known to your wife that your love for her is committed to her best interests as well. That way when you give her feedback and direction regard the sin in her life that she struggles with, she will be able to gladly receive that feedback and to prayerfully make the recommended adjustments in her attitudes, behaviors, and so forth, for her benefit and for the benefit of your household.

The next key to a bulletproof marriage is kindness. Kindness is one of those things that you simply cannot fake. To be kind to someone is a matter of sincerity in serving them for their good. Doing those things that brighten their day. Kindness includes those choice words that encourage, those little mundane actions that demonstrate love, and mercy, and a true “knowing” of your beloved. It is going the extra mile when you’ve already gone fifty and you are tired and exhausted and yet, you still want to say “I love you unconditionally” to your beloved. Kindness is without question, key to a bullet proof marriage.

Gentleness is key to a bulletproof marriage as well. We’ve all heard people say things like, “It’s not what he said, it’s how he said it.” Or as the new song by Carly Pearce says, “it’s not what he did. It’s what he didn’t do.” Gentleness towards your wife means considering her personality, her “triggers”, her workload, and her present mindset or outlook on things and then meeting her in that space with gracious compassion and genuine empathy. It is leading her with a familiar, comfortable hand and not an iron fist in a velvet glove. She will be able to tell the difference and it does matter. Gentleness will be expressed in your thoughts, your words, and your actions and will require the ministry of the Word and Spirit to grow in this for the sake of a bulletproof marriage.

Next, goodness is a powerful key to a bulletproof marriage. Goodness is something that Jesus Himself declared is only found in God. If that is true, and I believe that what Jesus says is always true, then that means you have to remain connected to God in a very real way to possess this key. Webster’s Dictionary defines goodness as moral excellence and perfection. Jesus defines this as being a blessing to absolutely everyone, unconditionally, saying, “He (God the Father) causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” God is always good. Being an unending, unconditional source of blessing for your wife is one of the most Godly things you can do. It is important to depend on God for this key, because apart from Him, you are simply incapable of being good to your wife with the kind of steadfastness that is needed for a bulletproof marriage.

The next key would seem like a “no brainer”, but it extends much further than you may initially think. Therefore, it can be more difficult than you may perceive at the onset of the relationship. Faithfulness is central to a bulletproof marriage. Faithfulness is a key that opens the way to an enduring and fruitful marriage relationship. Jesus Himself has demonstrated for us what faithfulness looks like. Faithfulness is what takes us into the promised land of our marriage. We may do a lot of good things in marriage because that is what marriage requires. However, going through the motions day after day, year after year, decade after decade because you’re supposed to will not bulletproof your marriage. When intense testing comes, and it most likely will at some point, a marriage that is built on a checklist of do’s and don’ts will break, whereas a marriage relationship build on the solid foundation of mutual trust in what God’s faithfulness to the two of you is capable of accomplishing will remain standing and unbroken. The power of God, working through the faithfulness of Jesus can and will save your marriage every single time, if you allow it to and trust it to.

The final key to a bullet-proof marriage is self-control. Self-control is not only important in that you don’t allow your sexual desires to lead into adultery. It also includes not becoming gluttonous or becoming a drunkard. It includes stewarding your finances in a way that keeps your household financially “in the black”. Self-control is about enjoying life with the wife that you love without growing excessive, or becoming greedy in any area of your life. It is tempering the desires that you have with concern for the wellbeing of others. It is about knowing the difference between what you can do and what you ought to do. Self-control is key to a bulletproof marriage because it helps to keep you in a position of humility and lovingkindness that does not insist on it’s own way, but is willing to yield to the other at the expense of getting what you may strongly desire. This key, also, is obtained most fully from the ministry of the Word and Spirit in your life.

These keys to a bulletproof marriage should be actively, and increasingly sought, with a happy expectation of receiving them from the Lord. Gentlemen, please understand this…it pleases the Father to give you the Kingdom.