The
Blue Pencil Lunar Revue
April Fools Day, 2017
A spoof publication of the Red Hook Star-Revue, no information below is meant to be true or offensive.
Betsy DeVos Visits Fairway? by Mark Penz
O
n Thursday, President Trump’s Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, came to Red Hook with the intention of visiting local magnet school, PS 15. The school had prepared for her visit by arranging a tour and inviting top students to speak with DeVos, who never showed. “This is outrageous!” exclaimed Principal Peggy Wyns-Madison, who expressed disappointment at DeVos’ absence. “We put a lot of time and effort into welcoming Ms. DeVos to our school. The least she could have done was call.” Professional protesters outside the school expressed disappointment at the turn of events, as they were hoping to chase off DeVos and cause a scene worthy of national news. However, television crews and incompetent Star-Revue staff left after it became apparent that the Education Secretary would not be coming. At the end of the day, the question left hanging in the air was, “Where on earth is Betsy DeVos?”
Secretary of Education DeVos discovers a supermarket in Red Hook and proposes a new place for school lunches. (photo by Penz)
Upon further investigation, LunarRevue staff found DeVos in an unlikely place: wandering the aisles of Fairway.
enraged at a sign that read, “Potato.” She was later seen trying to change the sign with a red sharpie to read, “Potatoe.”
“Former First Lady Michelle Obama’s Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act is clearly out of control,” DeVos stated. “There are like three children here and the entire place is full of food.” It soon became clear that DeVos having never stepped foot in a public school - was a little unclear on where she had ended up. “I never expected funds to be so mismanaged,” DeVos muttered to herself. “There’s a lot I can do with this.” DeVos proved difficult to convince she was not in a school. Every time she came across an adult, DeVos asked if that person was the principal. She refused to speak to anyone except the principal. Eventually, people gave up trying to tell Devos that she was in a grocery store and let her wander freely, though grocery store staff kept a close eye on DeVos. One child, spotted running from DeVos in tears, said, “Why is the scary lady yelling at me about potatoes?” It seems that DeVos had become
“I’m going to recommend a major pens if a bear attacks?” decrease in funding,” DeVos mused. President Trump later bragged about “Maybe we do away with public DeVos’ findings and recommended schools entirely. I mean, I didn’t see that Congress immediately start (continued on page 6) It seems DeVos incorrectly believes one gun in the building. What hapthat the word “potato” should be spelled “potatoe,” similar to the former Vice President, Dan Quayle. by Thee Thaw “I shouldn’t even have to do this,” the Secretary of Education crir. Tim Vetter, Assistant Principal at Summit Academy, usually ends his longer than average school days with a leisurely stroll “I shouldn’t even have to do this,” through Coffey Park. “It gives me time to reflect and unwind. Some days can be the Secretary of Education critough. So, naturally, I gravitate towards the tiqued. “It’s like people expect me swings.”
Swinging in the rain
M
to do everything.” tiqued. “It’s like people expect me to do everything.” “Obama’s Common Core has failed an entire generation of children. We must Repeal and Replace Common Core with an exact replica, except it should be called Devos Core,” she whispered to the potatoe aisle. At the end of her visit, DeVos was heard saying, “Well, I can’t say I expected better. Clearly there is an over-abundance of funding at this school.” Her solution?
Mr. Vetter was clear that he would never make children wait their turn, and often gives up his swing. But in the case of another adult, he practices the art of “first come, first serve,” as he likes to call it. So, on Monday, March 27, Mr. Vetter was enjoying his early evening swinging therapy when he was approached by Ms. Hadley Ruggles. She was also reeling from an exhausting, “but always rewarding” day as Head of School at BASIS Independent. She too required a swinging moment. However, every other available swing was unavailable. She watched the stress and tension seep out of Mr. Vetter for a few minutes. When she had decided that his turn was over, Ms. Ruggles announced to the assistant principle that his turn was over. Mr. Vetter was in utter disbelief because he simply did not believe he (continued on page 6)
Religion News
Happenings, etc.
by Gabe Matt
SAINTS STAGE A ONE-DAY WORK SLOWDOWN
T
by Holly Holyroller
he 34 Saints lining Sacred Hearts-St. Stephen’s Church in Carroll Gardens are planning a one-day work slowdown on April 1. The main reason cited is lack of appreciation from their devotees, despite listening to and interceding over countless prayer requests for them. Led by the ever-popular St. Anthony of Padua, the saints are in agreement that the only time they ever hear from anyone is “when they need something.” St. Anthony commented that he cannot keep up with the endless requests to find lost items while simultaneously holding the Baby Jesus. He further noted that people are not as quick to say thank you as they are to bombard him with prayers beginning with “St. Anthony, St. Anthony, something is lost and cannot be found...” He plaintively asked, “After they find whatever they lost, who hears back from them?” It was previously reported in the Waterford Whispers News that after St. Anthony’s outburst, the Vatican moved to excommunicate him but the Vatican did not return multiple requests for comments by time of publication. “Not everything is a lost cause... since when is a parking spot a lost cause?” said St. Jude, patron of said lost causes. For his part, Saint Francis of Assisi stated that while he is a lover of nature and animals, he often feels “pigeonholed and overwhelmed with the health issues of everyone’s pets.” St. Michael the Archangel, protector against the snares of the devil, is feeling positively bogged down these days with the overabundance of global and domestic problems. St. Michael himself was attacked with his own spear a couple of years ago by a troubled visitor to SHSS. He said, “Sometimes even I need a little
Happy Hour at Icey House from 4-7 pm. Really it should be happy three hours. Any drinks traditionally made with ice will be made with slushy snow. Instead of cocktail glasses these drinks will be served in snowcone cups. $3 off the normal prices. Makers Mark excluded. Limited time only while supplies last.
TUESDAY, APRIL 4
Reverse spelling Bee at PS 15 from 12-3 pm. Words will be spelled and participants must pronounce them correctly. Winner will receive all expense paid trip to the Red Hook Library and a free library card. To apply, email Brian Hasbrouck at Library. Rockstar@redhookstar.com
SATURDAY, APRIL 8 The Idiot Sports Club of Red Hook is seeking new recruits for the 2017 Squamish season. Anybody is eligible for the 43 Man Squamish tryouts, but it helps if you can’t see too well and don’t mind being poked with sharp objects. Frullips provided. 4 am Red Hook Ballfields, Beard Street Saint Michael is seeking additional protection in the new Saints contract.
protection... and a little downtime.” St. Lucy, who, as the patroness of people with vision problems, is frequently depicted holding her eyes on a plate. She said that while she feels a little guilty about the work slowdown, she advises everyone to double up on their carrot and Vitamin D intake for the day. Similarly, St. Christopher, former patron of travelers, is also taking part in solidarity. Despite being demoted and not having an altar at SHSS, he still receives plenty of petitions. He cautioned that travelers may want to take it easy on the roads and make sure their GPS is working properly before venturing out that day. There was some resistance to the action from the many Madonnas of the 150-year old church, including Our Lady of Lourdes, Our Lady of Mount Carmel, and Our Lady of Sorrows, who felt that perhaps a one-day slowdown was too harsh. However, after listening to the grievances of the other saints, the Blessed Mothers decided to get on board. They were quick to point out that this is not a strike but merely a slowdown; they will still be listening. Meanwhile, St. Joseph, patron of workers and fathers, had this to say: “Sure, we get some nice flowers and maybe even real wax candles on our feast days, but what about the rest of the year? A little thank you goes a long way.” While the slowdown may reduce candle box collections for the week, the saints feel it is a small price to pay to teach people that even saints should not be taken for granted.
Saints will be covered for the duration of the walk-out.
Page 2 Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
SATURDAY, APRIL 1
MONDAY, APRIL 10
CB6 Contrabassoon Committee meeting. Agenda includes the possibility of even lower notes for the Red Hook Walking Band. Subcommittee reports include a treatise on the pluses and minuses of the contrabassoon versus the tuba and versus the bass cello. 250 Baltic Street, 6:30 pm.
SUNDAY, APRIL 16 Alt-Easter services at ReVisitation Church. Alt-Bible group study will focus on Matza theory. This theory involves the formation of a Matza heaven, in which all matza magically becomes bagels and cinnamon toast. There will be a matza tasting following services following discussion. 62 ReVisitation Place, 8:52 am.
MONDAY, APRIL 17 Despair Day with local accountants. To participate gather all tax documents in shoeboxes and swarm CPA offices. For the nearest bean counter, bust out your Google skills.
FRIDAY, APRIL 21 Mirth Day Celebration. A bunch of people who live in Red Hook are taking a bus to Sunset Park to tell inane jokes and make funny faces. Greenwood Cemetary Auditorium, 11:45 pm.
SATURDAY, APRIL 22 Gowanus Canal Soiling. Celebrate Earth Day by reversing 7 years of cleanup activity. Join EPA head Scott Pruitt who will make a special trip to the area to help dump 14 vats of coal tars. Mayor de Blasio will appear to laud the EPA ruling that a retainment tank is no longer required near the canal. A Group Happy Jump into the Canal will conclude the festival. Meet at Salty Lot, 3 pm.
SUNDAY, APRIL 23
Red Hook Crutch. Race around the Cruise Terminal for people with sprained ankles. Hopping permitted. Injuries must be sustained prior to event. To schedule a sprain see Robbie at Pier 11.
MONDAY, APRIL 31 Format for “Happenings” entries: Something somewhere in Red Hook whenever it’s supposed to be. Details, details, details, details, details, details, details, details, details, details, details, details. More details, more details, more details more details, more details…it’s not like people read these stupid happenings anyway. Contact Info. Ticket info. Address. This April fools edition of the
The
Blue Pencil Lunar Revue A spoof publication of the Red Hook Star-Revue, no information below is meant to be true or offensive.
is produced by the editorial staff of:
The
Red Hook StarªRevue
We are proud to feature the work of our collaborators in silliness, Nathan Weiser, Emily Kluver, Laura Eng, Noah Phillips and our two renegade monkeys. The Lunar-Revue and Star-Revue is published by Kimberly G. Price & George Fiala 481 Van Brunt Street, Brooklyn, NY 11231 (718) 624-5568 info@redhookstar.com
www.star-revue.com
April Fools 2017
HOMEGROWN TRUMPKIN TO TAKE NATION BY STORM by Rooty Joosiano
E
arly in 2015, when it seemed possible that Donald Trump might actually become the Republican nominee for President, Luther Herbank, a science teacher at Red Hook’s BASIS school had an idea.
stem, they would have the perfect natural Trumpkin. Normal cross pollination would not work in the case of the Trumpkin, because a cross between a pumpkin and a corn would not guarantee that only the corn silk would hybridize. So Berbank had to resort to gene splicing. He checked around and found a company called Genspace in downtown Brooklyn. He spoke to an instructor there, and arranged for his class to visit and utilize their services.
“I was leading a discussion on the work of Gregor Mendl, the 19th century Austrian monk who is known as the father of modern genetics,” Herbank explained. Mendl, himself a science teacher in a secondary school in Brno, began recording the results of cross pollination techniques with pea plants. He discovered the existence of dominant and recessive traits, and deduced that the inheritance of traits followed certain statistical probabilities. “The name Trump - and his association with the color orange - lit a fire in my brain,” said Berbank. “Before I became a teacher, I ran my parent’s hardware store back in Des Moines, Iowa, and in college I took a lot of business courses. I knew that pumpkins are easy cross pollinators, and all of a sudden a project germinated in my brain.” Berbank spoke with fellow teacher Ellen Yellow over lunch one day. Yellow teaches economics to eighth graders at BASIS, which follows their own version of the STEM system of education. Yellow continued the story, “Luther was very interested in a cross discipline project where his students would develop a pumpkin with certain features bred in to resemble the presidential candidate. He wanted my students to work on a marketing plan that would sell the pumpkins throughout the neighborhood.” Yellow thought it a marvelous opportunity to put into practice the theories she was teaching to her bright eighth graders. “We went to the school head, Hadley Ruggles, who told us to go for it.” They next spoke to Saara Nafici, Executive Director of Added Value, who
They were able to isolate the LePRK2–LAT52 complex which controls corn silk production. This was inserted into a large number of pumpkin seeds.
A perfect combination of pumpkin and corn stalk genes produces a new national treasure. (photo by Leni Refenstahl)
runs the community farm across the street from BASIS. She was asked wheth-
For this, he brought one of the BASIS art teachers to his class for an explorato-
The step to ure
first was figout
er the f a r m could devote its entire acreage in 2017 to the cultivation of “Trumpkins.” Narici readily agreed, except for a little space near the compost building where they still cultivate a few fig trees for the neighborhood leftovers. Berbank then went to work. They had a year and a half to create a bumper crop of Trumpkins. There was very little time to spare. The first step was to figure out what exactly would a Trumpkin look like.
ry discussion. It was of course decided that the kind of pumpkin they wanted was one that had a normal bulbuosity – somewhat bloviated. But the most important hybridization involved the stem. Of course, all pumpkins need stems – that’s how they hang onto the pumpkin plant and receive all the necessary nutrients required for bloviation. But what they figured out was if they could somehow graft corn silk with a certain curviness around the
By this time, the 2016 school term was over, but Berbank was able to convince some of his local BASIS students to spend the summer experimenting with the pumpkin seeds. Each seed was carefully planted in rows in a segregated area. Every morning, three students monitored the growth of the seeds. Some failed; some grew but didn’t flower. But by September, about 14 pumpkin plants began issuing little pumpkins. Lo and behold, three of those plants yielded nice, round, orange pumpkins with wavy corn stalks growing around the stem. In early October, the pumpkins were harvested. All the seeds were carefully removed and preserved for spring planting. Approximately 1,500 seeds were collected from the three pumpkins. The best time to plant pumpkins is the beginning of June, when the soil starts to warm. This gives them enough growing time to ensure a healthy pumpkin crop in time for Halloween. 1400 seeds have been placed in storage for planting this June. But Berbank wanted to make sure that a large enough crop would grow from those seeds, so the class planted 100 seeds in special beds and arranged to have them germi(continued on page 11)
This page of the Lunar Revue is sponsored by:
Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
www.star-revue.com
April Fools 2017, Page 3
CITY WANTS FOOD TRUCKS TO GO VERTICAL
T
he Red Hook food trucks draw visitors from all corners of the borough and beyond. They boast some of the best reputations in the city. Every year, people cannot wait to wait in line for their favorite vendor treat. But in recent years, real estate in the neighborhood has become increasingly more valuable. This new economic boom has taken a toll on the food truckers.
by Cummerband Cost
it was weight restrictions to make sure we weren’t causing too much damage to the cobblestones. We’re not even on cobblestones!” The truckers also took a hit in business when the Parks Department shut down Coffey Park and Valentino Park for an entire food vendor season. Last year, all except one ball field were closed - and to this day remain closed.
“Every year, we have to renew licenses and pay fees to be able to vend here,” Jerry Guidmald said. He has been hocking meat pies in Red Hook since 1993. “When I first got here, nobody wanted to be here. Now nobody wants me to be here cause they say the land’s too valuable.”
But this year, the city has an even more ridiculous demand. Because real estate developers invest so heavily in election campaigns - and because 2017 is an election year Mayor Bill de Blasio wants to keep his buddies happy. He promised not to take on extra square inch of space from big contractors that wasn’t absolutely necessary.
Cherie Montalvio, owner of Ruckus Rise Greek Falafel, says the city make them jump through “new hoops” every year. “First it was Health inspections, which seems reasonable,” she said. “But then they brought in Aroma Testers. Then
“I don’t even know if I can repeat this! I mean, I can’t even say it out loud,” complained Mary Swimpler of Chix & Stix. “That fool of a mayor we have says we have to pile our carts on top of each other so we don’t ‘interfere with new develop-
ment.’ Seriously?” Montalvio says she thinks this is another ill-thought out plan from City Hall. “Logistically, how will this work? The city is going to have to create new policy just to protect the safety of consumers.” The city faces tough decisions on how quickly to move forward with the process. Scaffolding must be built, temporary elevators installed and approved, as well as parking permits issued for the vendors. Residents are also concerned. Wally Bazemore, Mayor of Red Hook, voiced his opinions about de Blasio’s newest scuttlebuttery. “How’s that fair to the vendor’s? What if the best vendor is all the way up top, and people who are afraid of height can’t get up there?” he asked. “That’s Phobia-ism right there, man. You can’t do that. The mayor can’t judge people based on what their afraid of. Come on, now!” The City Council will vote on the measure on April 13.
NEW IN RED HOOK:
the
Don
Burger
IT’S YUUUUGE!!!! Available for a limited time at VFW Post 5195
$14.95
(ketchup extra)
OPEN EVERY DAY EXCEPT FOR TEE TIMES
325 Van Brunt Street
Page 4 Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
www.star-revue.com
(across from Hot Bagel)
April Fools 2017
Civic Association, TA Presidents call on Greek gods of wind to stop disproportionately impacting Red Hook by Steve Wiggleworm
A
neighborhood coalition led by John McGettrick, Lillie Marshall, and Frances Brown has started a petition against the Anemoi, the council of Greek gods responsible for wind, for their unfair targeting of Red Hook for forceful and annoying gusts. The petition, which as of press time had 200 signatures representing a broad swath of local business owners, non profit leaders, and residents, cites a 2016 study by N. Imbee Consultant Group. The study found that Red Hook has far too much wind, and that the burden of air currents should be spread more equitably across Brooklyn and the City of New York. The study was funded by a $500 mil-
“Red Hook participants reported being subject to wind strengths classified as ‘moderate gale,’ ‘fresh gale,’ and even ‘strong gale’ an average of 8 times more than the median for Brooklyn as a whole,” said the study, which took 16 years to complete. “Of course that was a few years ago, so this data is all pretty useless and we should probably do another study,” continued the report. BIG has received a request for a $1 billion grant for report updating by the Imbee group. Red Hook Civic Association President John McGettrick chanced upon the results of the study because he happened to overhear a conversation at Sunny’s between BIG commissioner Richard “Ricky” Reed and Thor Equities founder and CEO Joe
Joe Sitt changed his plans at the Revere Sugar factory and built a wind farm.
as a matter of course. The seven attendees dubbed themselves the Leaning In Coalition (LIC).
did refute the N. Imby’s claims, saying in an email statement that further research is needed.
“We have enough to worry about without all this damn wind,” said a statement by LIC. “It’s time for the Anemoi to cut this shit out.”
“The Anemoi take community concerns very seriously,” said the statement. “Very, very seriously.”
“Seriously,” added the statement. Red Hook has notoriously strong winds. It sometimes uproots trees, smashes glass, and knocks over scaffolding. While the Anemoi have not formally responded to LIC, their press office
The Community Board 6 Weather Committee passed a resolution supporting the petition, but the resolution was overturned by the full board, with Park Slope members arguing that it was “only fair” that Red Hook should have high winds and that the neighborhood should “make the best of it.”
“A Mighty Wind” was screened last summer at the Red Hook Film Festival (photos by Wiggleworth)
lion grant from the New York State Bureau of Impotent Gestures (BIG). It found that 97% of Red Hook residents and workers had experienced winds of 39 miles per hour and above within between the years 2007-2009, when N. Imbee collected its data.
Sitt. Sitt has reportedly changed his mind about building his Red Hoek Point office complex and will be building wind turbines instead. McGettrick quickly called for a meeting, alerting the Lunar-Revue
The Red Hook Microgrid is now powered by windmills surrounding Hometown.
Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
www.star-revue.com
April Fools 2017, Page 5
ART IN PROTEST by Henri Becauseau
I
n response to the country’s new wave of Protest Art, a response has been issued. Protesting Protest Art (PPA) calls in to question the purpose of Protest art in the most ambiguous way possible.
“I try to think of Kutcher’s struggle with not being able to find his car for like days, and I imagine how something like that could alter my life forever. So, yeah, seeing that movie changed my life.”
Founder of PPA, Gavin Marshall issued a statement questioning the ideals of Protest Art. He felt compelled to act out against it. “In my limited time her as a white dude, I may never fully understand the complexities of women. But as an artist, I cannot sit idly by while these women protest art. What’s so bad about art? Why are we going against that now? I think we need to be pickier about what we are protesting.”
Other artists with the same mindset are joining forces with Marshall and adding depth to PPA. Clayton Brown finished his first ever life-size sculpture the last week in March. The sculpture, “Modern David with Clothes On” depicts a business man reading a copy of the newspaper. Brown says, “the best thing about this guy is he could be anywhere just hanging out, waiting for the bus, hoping to meet a lady-friend. He’s the stereotypical man’s man - just the kind of guy that would protest art protestors.”
Meanwhile, Protest Artists are stunned at the simple-mindedness of Marshall and others like him. Marissa Delevan of Brooklyn Heights was floored when she first heard of PPA. “It’s like someone sucked the senility out of the atmosphere,” she said. “This is literally the dumbest thing I’ve encountered in my life. They actually think we are protesting art? What a bunch of self-serving morons! I’m 300% done.” Marshall’s art protest of Protest Art is photographs of men in business attire. “I’ve got like 42 or so framed pictures in this one series,” he explains. “It’s called ‘White Dudes in Suits.’ Some of them are selling for big bucks cause the dudes in the suits signed the originals, so I’m selling pictures of my uncle for literally thousands of real dollars.” Marshall’s main inspiration for his work comes from Danny Leiner’s 2000 move, “Dude, Where’s My Car?” He compared the storyline to his own life and how every decision can be a crucial turning point.
Swings
Other artists have contributed paintings and drawings of typical white men who would rally in favor of art if they had time in their super busy lives. Unfortunately, most of these men are so busy making money, they don’t have time to stand up for their convictions. The photos, prints and diminished versions of “Modern David” are available online through May 1 at www.ppawhitegdudes.com. The originals will be on tour throughout the US and Russia through January 20, 2021. “It’s competitive in the top 1%,” Wall Street executive, Jeremy Black, explains. “It’s not like it’s such a cakewalk up here. Everybody is trying to get where you are. And everybody else is trying to push you out. Sure, I wish I had time to do good stuff in the world. But I don’t.” Proceeds from Marshall’s showing will go to lobby tax breaks for corporations.
was quite finished. Not wanting to make a scene, he simply ignored the rash woman and carried on about his swinging business.
hand fell from her hip. She really wanted to swing this particular day because so often there just wasn’t time. Today, she would not be swayed. She walked up to Mr. Vetter and gave him a swift push on the back in an attempt to dismount him from the swing.
Annoyed by his pompousness, Ms. Ruggles shouted out again. “Aren’t you quite finished yet, Mister?” She asserted one hand on her hip, and stomped her other foot for good measure.
To her horror, Mr. Vetter giggled with delight because he merely soared higher in the air. But as he backswung, his feet scraped the ground, lost his balance, and toppled off his perch.
Mr. Vetter realized the seriousness of her tone. He determined that she was not to be taken for granted. A confrontation would surely ensue. “Madam, I am not quite finished, if you please, so I respectfully request that you go on your not-so-merry way!”
Ms. Ruggles did not miss a beat as she swooped in and stole his seat. And before the assistant principal could get from beneath her feet, she had already begun her swinging ascent into the sky.
(continued from page 1)
Ms. Ruggles, nearly always so-verymerry, was so taken aback that her
Page 6 Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
Students and other playmates grew increasingly uncomfortable. In fact, three other swings had opened up. But the grownups didn’t care. “I
Edytoryal
W
e here at the Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue are upset that other colors are being used. We think that the human eye should only have to look at blue, and maybe a few shades of blue, including cobalt blue, or navy blue, but never orange or green. Orange, green and purple are all distractions that causes our fellow citizens to forget about the real important things in life, such as maple syrup and chipboard. We encourage the use of blue paint as a beneficial use of spare time. Blue paint is available locally at Lowes and Home Depot, although we recommend the art department at Bluemingdales. Favorite Blue-Revue movies include “Blue Lagoon” and “Blue Velvet.” If somebody had made a movie called the Blue Balloon, we would have gone to it. We love blue potatoes and live on blueberry soda made with real sugar. We advocate for the renaming of Red Hook Lane. We would like to see it called the Blue Brick Road. We think Bludy Garland would approve. We believe in the blue birds of happiness and bluebells. We really liked John Belushi in the “Blues Brothers.” Our parents danced to the song “Blue Suede Shoes.” Our children use bluetooth. “Rhapsody in Blue” is a life changer. We do know that we cannot change the name of our beloved neighborhood. As we look over the water behind Fairway, we love seeing the Red Sails In The Sunset. was here first. It isn’t fair! That’s my swing!” Mr. Vetter screamed. “You need to learn how to share,” Ms. Ruggles quipped back. “It’s my turn now! Nanny nanny boo boo!” “But there’s all these other swings,” he cried to no one in particular. “Why did you have to take my swing?” A fierce determination sprang onto his face. He reached out and grabbed one of the swing’s chains, which caused Ms. Ruggles to jerk wildly from side to side. She was so disoriented that she put her feet on the ground and stood up, giving Mr. Vetter the opportunity to seize her swing. But only one side. Mr. Vetter had hold of the left chain, while Ms. Ruggles desperately clung on to the right chain. Both school heads looked exasperated. “Well, what should we do now?” Ms. Ruggles asked. “Maybe we should both just walk away,” Mr. Vetter answered. “That wouldn’t solve anything,” she replied. “You’re right; there’s only one swing and two of us,” he said. “Actually, you’re wrong. There are lots of swings,” she said. “But I want this one. Just so that you can’t have it.” “Then we’ll just have to fight for it.” According to witnesses, the two then went scouring the playground for potential weapons. Mr. Vetter returned with a muddy stick. Ms. Ruggles brought a less muddy stick. And the
www.star-revue.com
duel was on. At this point, local authorities arrived, but did not intervene. An officer from the 76th precinct was overheard saying, “I want to see who will win the Battle of the Branch!” The two began the match with fancy footwork that exhibited an impressive display of fencing skills. Branchon-branch combat quickly ensued. The school dignitaries proved to be excellently matched until Mr. Vetter dealt the final blow, breaking Ms. Ruggles branch in two. Officers quickly swooped in, picked up the broken branch and separated the educators. Two days later, Mr. Vetter returned to his swing in Coffey Park to find “Ms. R wuz here” scratched into the seat of his swing.
DeVos (continued from page 1)
working on new legislation related to cutting public school funding. Senator Deb Fischer (R) of Nebraska, having seen photographs of DeVos’ visit, responded, “Clearly this is a sick joke. I mean, how am I supposed to convince anyone in my home state to take this administration seriously? No one is this dumb.” Apparently, some people are.
April Fools 2017
The
Blue Pencil Lunar Revue A spoof publication of the Red Hook Star-Revue, no information below is meant to be true or offensive.
presents a special feature - Blabigail O’Adams, who has everyday answers to everyday questions.
Dear
out with a nice doctor. Here’s the thing, Blabby. With Obamacare, he gave me free checkups and tested me for strep in the winter. But now - with the Republicans looking to take Obamacare away - my boyfriend says he doesn’t want to play doctor with me anymore. --Precious with a Problem
Spiked?
I drank something vile last night and today my teeth are kind of deteriorating. Some of my teeth have develop uneven, sharp edges, and others are kind of just disintegrating. I wouldn’t actually mind because I don’t ever whistle too much. Advice? --Vampy in Downtown Campton Dear Vampy, As you know, I’m not known for giving good advice. But I’ll tell ya what I’d do if I was you, (which thank goodness I’m not!) First of all, you’re gonna have to stop biting down on your bottom lip all the time. You know, that thing you do that you think’s so cute? It wasn’t ever so cute, but whatevs… Just now if you bite down on that lip, it’s probably gonna come clean off. Which would kinda make me laugh, but it would suck for you. As for the deterioration, well, you’re gross anyway, so none of this is surprising news. Buy a toothbrush. Invest in a dentist. Seriously, it’s probably way too late, but anything’s worth a try, ya know? I know I probably shoulda taken it easy on you cause you’re my sister, but as the saying goes, “Once a stank-breath, always a stank breath.” Love, Your vengeful little sister
Friends without Benefits Dear Blab,
For the past three years, I have gone
Precious, Damn, girl! That’s terrible. So you need health insurance, a doctor and a boyfriend. Seems like you’re a terrible catch for any dude. But I’ma tell you a couple of things so you don’t end up with nothing to offer a man. 1. Don’t poop where you eat. This doctor dude probably saw something weird on your behind that grossed him out - like a puss infested boil or something. That’s not sexy. To keep a good man, you need a different doctor. 2. The Republicans, they didn’t take away your Obamacare yet. So boyfriend that doesn’t want to play doctor, he’s cheating on you. He’s somebody else’s doctor now. Bonus: It was the boil on your ass that ran your man away. Not the strep throat. But that’s gross too. Good luck. Blabby
Gone Cat
Dear Blbby, My cat Tomkey recently passed away. I was devastated. I invited all my friends to Tomkey’s deathbed, but none of them showed up. After his passing, I paid for a funeral complete with all my beautiful cat photos and videos, but nobody showed up except for Wilmer. I saved a few dollars because I was able to dug the grave myself. However, once again, not one of my friends showed up for the funeral, except for mindless Wilmer again. What should I do with all the thankyou cards that I bought to send out to all the mourners? Sad Cat Lover
BlabbY Dear Blabby is a syndicated feature of the Blue Loonies, LLC Dear Sad, Tomkey sounds like such a cute little thing! Please send me a picture of him? I love cats! Maybe I’ll post his picture on my Instagram page. Oh, and maybe you can send me your address and I can come and visit him sometime. I bet he’ll just love me as much as I’ll love him. It’s so wonderful that you have such a faithful companion to spend time with. Based on your letter, it seems like you’ve wasted a lot of trouble on something that’s upsetting you. But I can quite figure out what you’re talking about, so I’m smiling and nodding while I write this okay? Use the cards as birthday cards for all of your friends. Just scratch out the “thank you” and write in HaPpY BiRtHdAy! Don’t forget to scratch out the price on the back of the card because that’s the classy thing to do. You seem really popular anyway, so those repurposed thank yous will go quickly. Oh, I’m so looking forward to meeting you and Tomkey. You both sound perfectly delightful. And I hope Tomkey lives a long, long life because you love him so much! Best, Blabby
Dear Clubfoot, Nah, you don’t have to go. But here’s the deal grandpa. If you don’t go to the dance recital, you’re granddaughter will grow up feeling unloved. She’ll hide her inadequacies in drugs - probably crystal meth - and spend the rest of her life seeking the approval of men. She’ll marry a deadbeat guy, have babies of her own, who will have babies of their own way too early and then her husband will skip the granddaughter’s first dance recital. So if you don’t go, you’re setting up a male pattern truancy for generations and generations to come, which will eventually lead to the extinction of your bloodline. After knowing all of this, you still chose not to go, that’s on your conscience, old man! Cheers, Blabby
NonTango Gramps
Dear Blabbery: I am a step-grandfather. Must I go to a grandchild’s dance recital, even though I can’t dance? Clubfoot with a Cane
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April Fools 2017, Page 7
ON DINING: TACO TIME L
by Alexajente
ast week, two Bushwick residents, Daisy Beckett and Bruno Everett, opened a new restaurant at the corner of Huntington and Hicks, which plans to offer a unique cuisine to the people of Red Hook.
HAUS
With all sorts of crazy new food trends to beat out - like Ramen Burger or Sushi Burrito - Beckett and Everett knew they would have to think outside the box to gain any attention in the increasingly competitive world of fusion foods. What did they come up with? Haus Von Taco. When asked what inspired this food trend, Beckett explained, “One night we were just sitting out on a rooftop garden thinking about the great foods in this world and how we just want to be able to experience them all in one bite.” Everett added, “I am German on my father’s mother’s mother’s side, so we knew we had to have German cuisine. And then we were like, who doesn’t love tacos? So Haus Von Taco was born.” The pair, with no culinary experience and backed only by the funds of Beckett’s family, decided to open a small restaurant in a neighborhood with a “real feel.”
Red Hook’s Taco Haus was built offsite by Skanska Technologies, Baden Baden and airlifted to this long empty site across from PS 676.
“We saw the space at Hicks and Huntington and loved the barbedwire aesthetic,” Everett noted, adding, “We decided to make that sort of a theme in the restaurant space that I think people are really going to dig.” The space, which holds a small
makeshift building and a large outdoor space was designed by avantgarde Swedish architect, Sven.
They will offer drinks like SchnappsMargaritas and Horchata with Lager in addition to their regular fare.
Sven’s interior design team assisted with Beckett and Everett’s vision. In their restaurant, there are no real tables or chairs. Everything is created from found objects like broken down cars sent away as scrap metal, plywood leftover from construction, and old trash cans.
Prices at Haus Von Taco range from $10-$20. They offer takeout, but do not yet have the staff to support delivery. Hours are from 12-9 pm on weekdays and 11-8 pm on weekends.
Be careful, though, Beckett explained that “we decided not to make any adjustments to the items we found and put into our restaurant to keep with the raw and authentic vibe.”
Of the experience, Everett said, “We are living proof that you can do anything you feel like doing.”
Everett nodded solemnly. “There is no reward without risk.”
“Today we run the number one German-Mexican restaurant in the country. Who knows, tomorrow we might call it quits. That’s the kind of people we are. We go wherever the wind takes us and don’t worry about societal expectations.”
While Haus Von Taco is just getting started, a few of their dishes have already made a splash amongst a small group of flannel-wearing artists in the neighborhood.
If you’re planning to try Haus Von Taco, we recommend you stop in soon. City health inspectors have hinted that the establishment might not be open much longer.
Beckett explained, “Our pretzel nacho happy hour is very popular and the bratwurst burrito sells very well. Of course, our best-seller is our schnitzel-taco.” The schnitzel taco, an original creation is a corn tortilla filled with the German noodle dish, schnitzel. The tacos are topped with kale-cauliflower salad and guacamole infused with mustard seed. The partners also want everyone to know that they have expanded their restaurant hours due to increasing customer demands to allow for a boozy brunch on Saturday mornings.
Page 8 Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
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Soft Pretzel Nachos are a Taco Haus treat.
April Fools 2017
BIG SHOTS INSPIRE RED HOOK YOUTH by Ballpark Phizer
L
ocal politicians and community leaders in Red Hook have organized a meet and greet to try and influence local kids to be all they can be in this big world of ours. They will be having an event at an unknown day during the summer at the Miccio Community Center, the Red Hook Recreation Center as well as in the schoolyard at PS 15.
Schumer comes to the hood
They have been able to get the borough president, Eric Adams, the mayor of the New York City, Bill de Blasio, Senator Chuck Schumer, basketball player and Red Hook native Carmelo Anthony, Serena Williams, Derek Jeter, employees from various restaurants in Brooklyn, actors from Brooklyn as well as magicians. The local and statewide politicians have really gone the extra mile to convince notable people from a variety of fields to convince them to come to Red Hook to interact with the young up and coming generation. However, to really have a genuine impact on the kids, these notable professionals will be able to have the power of instantly improving the sills and expertise so that they can be well on their way of becoming a similar person as Adams, Schumer, Jeter or whoever else they talk to. The beginning of the meet and greet experience will entail an intro where the guests talk about their path to success and words of wisdom for the kids.
Three local school involved
After they interact briefly at the Miccio Center, the Red Hook Recreation Center or PS 15, the kids will be divided into groups based on the celebrity or notable figure that they are most interested in being similar to. The kids at the meet and greet will be ages seven to 14 and will be from Pave Academy, Summit Academy and PS 15. There will be 13 kids assigned to each notable guest. Carmelo Anthony will take those interested in being a professional basketball to the Knicks training facility. He will work with them for a few hours a day and will take special interest in helping the kids because of the Red Hook connection. He will help give them tutors who will be able to greatly help them with schoolwork. Anthony will also able to help the kids jump much higher than they previously could, which will help the 14 year olds dunk the basketball
Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
The Red Hook ballfields were filled with sports dignitaries on a recent spring day.
and impress their coaches. He will help kids from Red Hook become basketball stars like never before. These kids who will interact with Anthony will tell all of their friends that they spent the day with one of their idols and will remember every word of advice from their hero. Jeter will have 13 kids who are interested in baseball assigned to him at PS 15. He will teach them some baseball drills in the schoolyard of PS 15 and this will be the highlight for all for the kids. He will give the kids lessons on teamwork and how he was able to be so successful on the field and win so much.
Jeter gets the lead out
Jeter will also use his fortune and magical influence to get the remediation of Red Hook ball field complex finished in an expedited manner. The fields will be finished in one month instead of three years, but since the fields will not be available he takes the Red Hookers to Prospect Park for some more instruction. Jeter will also give the young impressionable kids a connection to have much better baseball training than they are able to get in Red Hook. Just be learning and interacting with Jeter the kids from Pave Academy, Summit Academy and PS 15 will be better than their peers that they were playing with and they will now
be on the fast track to being highly rated baseball players. Another group of 13 young Red Hookers will be placed in with Brooklyn native Borough President Adams. These kids will all be 13 or 14 years old and already somehow know that they want a career in politics. Adams will give them all at motivational talk when they meet at the Miccio Community Center and will then have a surprise in store for all of them. From the Miccio Center, Adams will take them to Junior’s for lunch by bus, which is a restaurant that none of the kids had been to before. Adams will introduce them to the Borough President from Manhattan as well as Senator Schumer. They will get to try foods that they had never had before in their lives.
Adams gives political advice
After leaving Junior’s the kids and Adams will get back in the bus and make the short drive over the Borough Hall will they will get a tour of the building and Adams’s office. He will tell them all the positives and negatives of his job and will give them advice on getting to where he is or on possibly being a mayor. Adams will give the kids so much more confidence than they already had. He will thank them for their interest in his position before they
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leave Borough Hall. In the last 10 minutes of the stay, before the kids leave at 5:00 p.m., Adams will tell them to be president of their class and will give them connections to work at his office or the offices of other politicians around the city during the summer. Other notable guests that will not be as popular as Carmelo Anthony’s, Derek Jeter’s or Eric Adams’s, will be chefs from restaurants in Red Hook liked Hometown BBQ and the owner of Defonte’s. A combination of 15 kids will be with both of the individuals from Hometown and Defonte’s. They will teach the kids how to instantly be better cooks in the span of two hours and will give them tips on how to own a restaurant in the future. The parents of the young adults in this group will be pleased when the kids come home because they will be better at cooking and will be able to cook meals for the family.
Automatic reward
This will be a day that none of these kids will ever forget and it will go down in the history of Brooklyn based on the impact that these noteworthy guests had. The guests will make it so that the kids in their groups will automatically be able to have a career similar to the ones that they have had.
April Fools 2017, Page 9
POLICE BLOTTER
Bye Bye Birdies Longtime Red Hook agitator Ray Hall has been spending the last few months taking pictures of Red Hook from the air, with his camera-equipped drones. On March 21, his camera captured major evidence of a near assault. The image caught two sparrows threatening a wren, who was minding his own business in one of the sycamore trees. Hall sent the video to Commanding Offered Colon at the 76th Precinct, who immediately sent out the Bird Squad to arrest the two sparrows for unnecessary aggression.
Poop Perps A late season snow storm instigated mass law-breaking in Red Hook. It is a city ordinance that dog walkers remove dog poop from sidewalks. Normally, dog walkers are seen with plastic bags in hand ready to do their duty. This has been normal practice since the mid 1970’s, ever since a young Chuck Schumer stepped in a mushy mess walking through Prospect Park. The snow melted on March 24, and revealed the massive lawbreaking. The NYC Genetic Testing division of the Policeman’s Benevolant Association is currently examing various poops to see if the dog owners can be identified and ticketed.
Massive Resistence Police were called to the Con Ed substation behind the Hamilton Avenue entrance to the Hugh L. Carey Tunnel. Protestors rallying against President Trump’s immigration policies were resisting electricity. The goal was to demonstrate to passing motorists that Ohm’s Law is still applicable in today’s political environment. By holding hands between the left and right sides of the building, protestors showed that the current through a conductor between two points is directly proportional to the voltage across the two points. All demonstrators who were not electrocuted were taken into custody. Cupcake Confrontation
NEWSBRIEFS
by Cold Annie
A one headed panda was seen through the boarded up window of the long defunct Fine Faire Supermarket on Lorraine Street. Argus Jones, of 311 Mill Street, reported the exotic animal to PSA 1 police and was told to go settle down. However, the precinct commander was intrigued, as she had once taken a trip to Australia, and decided to investigate.
It turns out that a little known fact is that panda bears often disguise themselves as tourists in a worlddequate preparations were wide search for long shuttered sumade throughout the Tri-State permarkets. area for snowstorm Stella a couple The CO, Ms. Colander, happens to be of weeks ago. The number of inches a subscriber to National Geographic received underwhelmed meteorolomagazine, which recently ran a sto- gists, but once things had been set in motion, reopening the closures ry called “The Panda Odyssey.” In it, she read about this panda pro- was a matter of time.
A
clivity, which was first discovered in Schools, most businesses and the an abandoned 7-11 in Nairobi, Ke- entire state of Pennsylvania took a snow day. Buses, trains and all of nya in 2011. Colander was able to break into the Pennsylvania was closed on that icy former Fine Faire through a side Tuesday. Children and adults alike door, and discovered the panda built snowmen and sledded in lochewing bamboo shoots while read- cal parks. But not Pennsylvania being an old copy of the NY Post. A cause it was entirely closed.
fedora was perched jauntily on the Lorraine McDonald was travelling west on that fateful Tuesday to head of the visiting panda. It turns out that old supermarkets visit her sister’s cousin’s in-laws in and 7-11’s used bamboo to buttress Ohio. When she got to the Delaware it’s walls. After a certain period of River crossing she was not allowed deterioration, the bamboo becomes to cross the state line. “They said visible and, to certain visitors, ed- ‘Pennsylvania is closed.’ And when I asked what they meant, they told ible. me the state was just closed.” After befriending the panda, and taking it to see the Statue of Lib- When she explained she was just erty, four PSA1 cops transported passing through, local authorities the bear to the Brooklyn Botanic rerouted her through Virginia. “I told Garden, where it was given a new them they can’t just make a snow home in the greenhouse and a diet globe out of Pennsylvania. You can’t just close a whole state!” of fresh bamboo. According to McDonald, the officer replied, “Ma’am, we just did.” Piano Serenade
roborated McDonald’s story. Jeff Tunnels said everything was closed. “Doors, windows, roads. They just closed everything. That’s how we do things ‘round here. I ain’t safe, we close it. Just needed a whole day without immigrants from other states.” “We often think of closures in terms of supermarkets, restaurants, shops, malls. All the fun places. But Pennsylvania takes their snow days very seriously,” said William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania. “We’re not going to take any chances with our reputation. I don’t want anyone to ever think we are frivolous.” According to state papers from Ohio, Kentucky, Maryland, New Jersey and West Virginia, other states were happy to have 24 hours without Pennsylvanians being able to cross their borders.
Orville J. Bumpershoot charmed Reports from inside state lines corstudents and parents by his piano playing during a recital at PS 15. Bumpershoot, a fourth grader living on Conover Street, plays a unique type of piano invented by his father, Wethold Bumpershoot. Dubbed “the Wetholder,” this piano is made entirely of wooden clothespins, except for the strings, which are made out of strings. The Bumpershoot family donated the piano, which now resides in the school auditorium.
A late night confrontation between Monteleone’s chocolate cupcakes and Caputo’s sugar cookies led to the arrest of a variety of tarts and pastries.
Orville’s selection which so entranced the rapt audience was Vivaldi’s “The Four Seasons.”
According to authorities, the longstanding feud predates the secret marriage of Romeo custards of the House of Caputos, and Juliet’s cherry danishes of the House of Menteleone’s.
During a four day period in March, not one helicopter was seen or heard flying over or near Red Hook. Residents along Imlay and Ferris Streets clogged up the city 311 phone lines reporting the lack of sound interruptions.
Page 10 Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
PENNYSLVANIA CLOSES
Traveling Bear
Lack of noise
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April Fools 2017
Lunar-Revue Free Classifieds ANNOUNCEMENTS
I bought dried apricots. I ate all 11 servings in 1 sitting. My stomach hurts. #FiberIsPotent Men are just tall boys. Illusions. Fake biceps without working out. Pretend the smell like cologne, when they’re not even French. Airbrushed packages in tight underwear…
That Michael Angelo guy sure is ambitious. I eat yellow paint. #LeoDiVinci I painted my girlfriend as a portrait; she is mad. #Picasso’sCubism
I have never seen Bourbon Street in New Orleans. I’ve been there lots of times, but I cannot remember anything! #AnotherHurricane?
Splatter, splatter, drip! Now that’s art! #Rembrandt
Assuage is a gross word. I will not say it. I changed it to a-sausage. Hmm… anybody hungry for breakfast? #ILikeBaconBetter
Can cranberry sauce be fried? I love the stuff, and I’m trying to make my cardiologist very, very mad!
Don’t blame me! That smell is coming from the dog! #WeDon’tHaveADog Turn over, Stephanie! Turn over! I can’t believe you
Crossword Answer
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Trumpkin (continued from page 3)
Crossword
fell asleep on the beach. Just look at that sunburn!!! #TalkingtoMyself
No shirt, no shoes, no service. Pants optional.
I am cognizant of how the force has delivered many blessings in my life. Thank you, Darth Vader, for the strength to move my car, the courage to stay home on rainy nights, and the wisdom to not eat spiders. #TheDarkSide Stop taking pictures of me taking pictures. Nobody wants a picture of my hands holding a camera, you obnoxious twit! The term is “wino.” Stop calling me a drunk. I only get drunk on wine. It’s cause and effect, you see! I slept in my clothes last night. Except my boots. These boots were made for walking, not sleeping in. I’ve got a lovely box of Pop-Tarts sitting on my desk. Frosted ones, smashed ones, some as big as my head. I bought a new phone charger for my weekend retreat. I rolled it up in my suitcase. It broke. I’m at 1%. Somebody HELP!!! I am a superhero. My cape is made of glitter and all of my toys – ahem, gadgets – light up. Fire hydrants are being renamed to honor the first element of the periodic table – two of the three molecules they contain. The formal name will be Stout Hydrogen with Oxygen Reacting Twice – or SHORT for short. Ow, that tickles! Brrr, I have to pee! #MixedEmotions I dropped off my 3 horns with the musical medic for Dad repore. Fax Repaor. Damn it, autocorrect! SAX REPAIR!!! My mom sent me a postcard. “Hey Sweetheart! Having a great time. MeeMaw is loving it all. Wish you could be here instead of at your crummy desk job! Love, Mom.” I climb scaffolding in short skirts. Why are there so many pictures of me on the internet?!? My 88-year-old grandmother just joined Facebook. She is posting pictures of my embarrassing and awkward childhood! #SomebodyStopHer!!!
Across
1. See 18-Across 5. See 54-Down 10. See 63-Down 14. See 33-Across 15. See 36-Across 16. See 68-Across 17. See 30-Down 18. See 56-Down 19. See 43-Across 20. See 60-Down 23. See 13-Down 24. See 33-Down 28. See 70-Across 32. See 67-Across 33. See 8-Down 36. This puzzle’s theme 39. See 5-Across
41. See 5-Down 42. See 62-Down 43. See 37-Across 46. See 11-Down 47. See 1-Down 48. See 13-Down 50. See 44-Down 53. See 55-Down 57. See 4-Down 61. See 16-Across 64. See 50-Across 65. See 45-Down 66. See 57-Across 67. See 9-Down 68. See 38-Down 69. See 14-Across 70. See 40-Down 71. See 26-Down
Down
1. See 59-Down 2. See 64-Across 3. See 65-Across 4. See 71-Across 5. See 61-Down 6. See 34-Down 7. See 35-Down 8. See 48-Across 9. See 9-Down 10. See 66-Down 11. See 22-Down 12. See 65-Across 13. See 29-Down 21. See 32 Across 22. See 3-Down 25. See 28-Across 26. See 49-Down 27. See 2-Down 29. See 41-Across 30. See 24-Across 31. See 61-Across
33. See 1-Across 34. See 51-Down 35. See 53-Across 37. See 27-Down 38. See 39-Across 40. See 21-Down 44. See 10-Down 45. See 15-Across 49. See 58-Down 51. See 69-Across 52. See 19-Across 54. See 52-Down 55. See 12-Down 56. See 31-Down 58. See 6-Across 59. See 25-Down 60. See 17-Across 61. See 7-Across 62. See 20-Across 63. See 42-Across
I hate wearing pants. That is all!
December break, small pumpkins began to grow out of the yellow flowers.
My phone case is falling apart. When I call my mother, she screams so loud in the phone that pieces of plastic break off in my ear. I should get Bluetooth.
“We couldn’t tell for sure whether the hair was growing properly, however we did notice some fuzziness around the small stem,” said Robbie Nutweiler, 11th grade BASIS student.
HOLD THE IMAGE CLOSE TO YOUR NOSE, SLOWLY MOVE IT AWAY, AND SUDDENLY A HIDDEN 3D ILLUSION WILL APPEAR!
The class returned after the holidays to find exactly what they hoped for – bonafide Trumpkins, complete with roll around hair/ corn silk. Yellow and her class began mapping a business plan. They hired professionals to groom and photograph these early Trumpkins, and prepared marketing materials introducing the special Trumpkin. With an expected yield of two pumpkins per plant, the class expects to harvest at least 2500 Trumpkins – all of which have already been presold. Both the National Enquirer and Vanity Fair have already assigned reporters to prepare stories on the special pumpkin. “We are so proud of our exceptional teachers and students,” said Ms. Ruggles. “We have already applied for a patent and expect an even larger crop in 2018.”
Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
SOLUTION: STRAWBERRY FACE
Just to be on the safe side, Berbank is already working on his next project – a Pence Fence.
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© 2017 BLUE PENCIL STRAWBERRY SILLINESS April Fools 2017, Page 11
MAGIC IN THE G-RAIN TERMINAL by Lumbago DiStefano
I
n recent years, Red Hook’s GRain Terminal has been the target of trespassing. Extensive measures were taken by Mr. Q, who requested that his name not be used in the “slander about on that rag of a publication you produce,” to keep people off his land. He - Who-Doe s-Not- Wish-To-BeNamed (HWDNWTBN) added a concrete barrier to the entrance of the site. Trespassers without magical powers are no longer able to break and enter. However, the Lunar-Revue sent special wizardling agent Hairy M. Posteur to survey the landscape and report back to this publication. Armed with his pillowcase duck wand and his cloak of sentimentality, Posteur was off on his adventure. To overcome the concrete wall, he cast a magical spell by uttering “Make-a that concrete soft like jelly!” He then walked through as if it passing into a giant Smuckers jar. As dawn broke on a random Sunday, Posteur made his way cautiously through the parking lot to the G-Rain Terminal. The most accessible entrance is through the water channel of the Henry Street Ba-
sin. A simple mortal would have to plan for low tide, but Posteur made quick work of creating an air bubble around himself and floating right through the doors up unto the giant vacancies the abandon building left behind. Once inside, rusty old staircases lead to higher levels to corroded wagons that once hauled grain throughout the building. Hopping aboard, he cast another spell, saying, “Go!” and the dram car instantly started going. The cart rolled and spun through the terminal. When it would barrel down to the descending floors, Posteur would throw his hands up in the air and shriek with excitement. At the end of the ride, he caught his breath, stroked his sentimentality cloak, and reminisced about his first trip to Six Flags with his now deceased parents. After recovering from his emotional turmoil, heavy footsteps were coming. A skeleton key slipped into place, and a heavy wrought iron door squealed open. HWDNWTBN furiously scanned the G-Rain Terminal. Posteur stumbled into the elevator
shaft. It was devoid of a lift, but he let bellowed another magical cry, “FLY!!!” and off he went. He levitated from the bottom floor all the way through until he nearly bumped his head on the roof. But in the nick of time, he used his pillowcase duck wand to turn himself into a bubble that gently floated to safety. Once on terra firma, he regrew his feet and slipped his human form back into his cloak. HWDNWTBN stomped up the stairs, but was no match to the speed of Posteur’s magic. The wizardling knew there was only one course of escape. He quickly and quietly
shimmied out of the window and onto the roof. Because HWDNWTBN was only human, and had to climb the stairs one at a time, Posteur had plenty of time to spend on the roof. He looked around, took a few pictures, and ate a sandwich. He decided not to go out the conventional way because he doesn’t like to take the same route twice. So, he tiptoed across the morning air back to the concrete wall and back through the jelly mold. “Man, it’s such a big, dirty cool place to break into. I just wish I’d have remembered to bring some of that strawberry jelly entrance with me
Music invades the Justice Center by Highnote Legalese
T
he Red Hook Community Justice Center is well known for their innovative style of justice. But in recent months, Judge Alex Calabrese has felt as though something is missing. “It’s just so quiet sometimes. There can be a lot of tension and anxiety,” the judge said. “There must be something we can do to calm people’s nerves.”
Need for beats
When a young defendant named Philip Havoc asked if he could “drop some beats” after his arraignment, Calabrese honored the boy’s request. “All of a sudden, a light went off. I saw how much of a difference his music brought into the courtroom. People were smiling, and the air felt light and fluffy,” the judge explained. “I wanted every day and every case to feel like this.”
Love for music
As a small child, music was an important part of Calabrese’s upbringing. As a youngster, his mother and father insisted he learn to play an instrument. Naturally, he chose the
Page 12 Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
maracas, ergo a special place in his heart for salsa and waltzes. “When I spoke with the powers that be, they really embraced the idea. They’re always so supportive of any-
thing that will benefit the youth,” Judge Calabrese said. Starting April 3, all court hearings and sessions will be accompanied by an eight-piece Mariachi band.
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Judge Calabrese might just have a chance to drop some beats of his own with those dusty old maracas he’s been saving for a rainy day. Ole!
April Fools 2017