By the Way

By The Way The Wit, Wisdom, and Wonder of the Southerners

by Emory Jones

Ilove language. I always have. But of all the languages in the world, I love Southern speach most of all. Of course, we Southerners do use the language differently from our northern counterparts. But that’s not a bad thing. Down here, we’ll name a dog Rooster, and a cat–well, we don’t always name cats–but when we do, it’s a humdinger. Now that I think about it, my grandmother once had a cat named Humdinger. Or maybe that was her shotgun. Heck, we’ll even name our cars if you don’t watch us.

We dress up our speech by describing water as “tooth-cracking cold” and a passed-on possum as being “graveyard dead.” We’re a polite people, too. In fact, “don’t sass your mama” were the first words many of us ever heard. And Elvis was right: “ma’am” and “sir” really do belong behind “yes” and “no.” We wave a lot too. Even if we don’t know you, we’ll still throw up our hand when you pass. Folks from off don’t always understand Southern speach, and I blame Hollywood for that. “Y’all” is the word the movie people stumble over most. In spite of all my yelling at the television, they still don’t understand that you don’t use y’all when you’re talking to just one other person! Plus, if it’s four or five people it’s “all y’all.” That ruffles my feathers to no end.

I’m not sure they even want to get our dialect down. I mean, Julia Roberts is a Georgia girl, but the way she talked in Steel Magnolias was down-right disturbing, bless her heart.” Like a lot of people, one of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t record the many words of wisdom my grandmother and grandaddy passed along. I would have done that, too, if tape recorders had been invented back then.

But I can still hear Granddaddy telling me things like, “Never hit a man with glasses. If you’re going to hit him, hit him with a baseball bat.”

He also said, “Remember, you can go anywhere you want as long as you look stern and carry a clipboard.” That advice has served me well, both on the job and off. Grandmother said several things that stuck with me, too. One was, “The way some people find fault, you’d think there was a reward for it.” And “Love is not only blind, but it’s pretty often deaf and dumb, too.”

One of her other favorite sayings was, “The love of a girl is like the morning dew. It’s as apt to fall on a rosebud as it is a cow pile.” For some reason, that’s one of my wife’s favorite sayings. Although Grandaddy didn’t have enough cash to pay attention, he also mused, “Remember son, a rich person is nothing but a poor person with money.” I’m not really sure what that means, but you sure do sound wise when you say it. Of course, not everything I heard was wise. Some sayings are about as useful as a steering wheel on a mule. For example, Grandaddy always said that money can’t buy happiness. Maybe not, but money has certainly brought me several short bursts of joy on a couple of occasions. I would write more about that, but the editor tells me I’m out of space.

Emory Jones grew up in Northeast Georgia’s White County. After a stint in the Air Force, he joined Gold Kist as publications manager. He was the Southeastern editor for Farm Journal Magazine and executive vice president at Freebarin & Company, an Atlanta-based advertising agency. He has written seven books. Emory is known for his humor, love of history and all things Southern. He and his wife, Judy, live on Yonah Mountain near Cleveland, Georgia.