Same, same but different!

— by Krysten Davis —

There is something very inspiring about starting something afresh. A blank page and a beautiful pen, new workout gear – hearing the subtle ‘pop’ of a fresh bottle of fancy champagne. A new beginning can be a time of unfettered imagination with the world as your oyster and endless possibilities.

A new beginning can also be a painful time of scraping yourself together and licking your wounds before tentatively (and extremely bravely) taking the first step into your new reality. All my friends are turning (or have just turned) 50. I’m not quite there yet but it does seem to make a big impact.

Most of my friends are also in long term (>20 year) marriages and the combination of these two factors seem to be pretty volatile. There are many re-negotiations of the status quo. Women who’ve spent years focusing on their families who now need/crave a space for their own wants and ambitions (much to the bewilderment of their families).

I have friends whose marriages have been tested in ways in which they never imagined, facing situations they assumed happened to ‘other people’. Couples that seemed perfect are fracturing, pulled in different directions by the realisation that neither is willing to compromise anymore. It’s really quite distressing and my own marriage is certainly not immune from the pandemic of midlife crises. Conversely, realising that something you thought was unbreakable is actually quite fragile makes you treat it with a lot more care. I think that the best way to negotiate this brave new world of adult kids and competing desires is to be really really kind.

To yourself, to your lover, to your friends, to the lovely person making you a lifesaving coffee at 6.30 in the morning. New things, new directions, new people are so very very shiny. We all want what we don’t have. Got kids? Well now you crave a career. Got a career? All you want is a baby. Married? Playing the field looks damn attractive. Single? You just want to settle down with a solid human being.

I propose we have our new beginning, but we adjust and adapt, communicating our desires, we bring people with us and create a new life in our old world. You may really need a completely new beginning and explosively blowing up your life might be the best way to do it. But to quote ‘The Sunscreen Song’ (see how old I am J) ‘The older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young’.