Love2Connect

for a life of lasting love and fulfillment ....this time

An introduction to marriage and relationships in the 21st Century.

At no time in history have couples faced the complexities that they face today. Entering marriage again at this time offers so many challenges. This book helps you connect with your partner so your new marriage has every chance of success...from the beginning.

Table of Contents Preface ............................................................................................................................. 1 What this Series (and book) is About............................................................................. 1 The Normal List .............................................................................................................. 4 Part I:Welcome to Your Future ......................................................................................... 7 All Change....................................................................................................................... 8 Love Will Not Be Denied ................................................................................................ 8 Then And Now ................................................................................................................ 9 Something To Think About........................................................................................... 10 Strength In All Areas Of Life ......................................................................................... 11 Part II:Déjà Vu Again....................................................................................................... 14 Taking Your Own Sweet Time ...................................................................................... 14 After Divorce ................................................................................................................ 15 The Death of a Partner ................................................................................................. 19 Your Ex-Partner ............................................................................................................ 22 Part III:Marriage in the 21st Century ............................................................................... 24 Blink and You’ll Miss It ................................................................................................. 25 What’s Marriage Got To Do With It? ........................................................................... 25 Choice ........................................................................................................................... 27 The Picture of Love....................................................................................................... 28 The Global Wedding Industry ...................................................................................... 29 The New Norm ............................................................................................................. 29 Children and The Real World ....................................................................................... 30 Something To Think About........................................................................................... 31 Part IV:Evolutionary Relationship ................................................................................... 33 Change Is Life ............................................................................................................... 34 Something To Think About........................................................................................... 36 Part V:No Marriage is a Failure ....................................................................................... 40 Here’s The Thing .......................................................................................................... 41 Think of the Children .................................................................................................... 43 Something Else To Think About ................................................................................... 43 Find A Better View ....................................................................................................... 45 Other Products and Offerings available from .................................................................. 51

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Acknowledgements: The author would like to thank the following: Tim Marlowe of DEMARLOWE Consulting(www.demarlowe.com.au) author, inspirational speaker, consultant and mentor for his inspired editing and guidance.

Rhiannon Vivian and Lara Goldenberg for their editing and insights.

Cartoons by Jess MacCallum. Reprinted by permission from "Put the Seat Down" by Jess MacCallum and "He's Not a Mind Reader" by Brenda Garrison. Published 2010, Standard Publishing. (www.JessMacCallum.com).

For all the women who have provided insights and stories to help make this book real. and For my family for allowing me to publish some of our story.

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About the Author: In 1981 Gillian (Andale) became a first time bride, marrying someone who had already been married. Together they had two children who are now young adults. After divorcing in 2003, she married again in 2007. Her present husband is a divorcee with four children, also young adults, plus a growing number of granddaughters.

When the time came, Gillian was surprised at how hard it was to find relevant information relating to remarriage and planning a second wedding. While there was plenty out there, much of it was quite generic, and she didn’t have the time to plough through it all to find what was relevant to her. Timing was crucial and the pressure intense; their wedding was to take place in just six weeks so that the honeymoon could coincide with the world trip her partner had planned for her special birthday.

A perennial student of life, Gillian has studied human behaviour and growth since 2001. Following her huge wedding challenge, she decided to use her knowledge to find out exactly what people needed to know when planning to remarry. She has brought together a team of experts in their fields to help deliver Love2Last…this time, the first globally-focused web business dedicated to getting married again, planning the wedding, and sustaining the love in the early years – after the honeymoon glow wears off!

Gillian’s research and studies have gone much deeper than she first envisioned. She found the perception of ‘failure’ to be at the heart of so many couple’s worries, and the long-term impact that mindset has on families, especially children, is profound. For this reason, she is passionate about changing how we understand our evolution through relationships – in particular the distinctions between perceived success and failure. With more than 50% of families now not fitting the traditional role, it is time to shift our viewpoint, and put a more positive (or at least neutral) spin on the new ‘norm’.

Gillian has more than first-hand experience in getting married again, blending families, living within acrimonious situations, being a step-parent and stepgrandparent, planning an encore wedding, and dealing with the on-going challenges of marrying later in life. The purpose of this series is to help others Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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in the same situation, smoothing this sometimes rocky path and providing easy access to knowledge gained through decades of research and life experience.

Before establishing Love2Last, she built a very successful career in Process Reengineering and Project Management, owning her own company as well as holding senior positions in international companies and government departments. Gillian and her family have lived in the UK, Bermuda, Singapore, Australia, and Italy, and she has worked in over 55 other countries. All of the world’s cultures are so different, but they all honour marriage, and they all find it equally challenging to make it everything it can be – the purpose of this book is to help you do just that.

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Preface What this Series (and book) is About I’ve just returned from the hospital where my step-granddaughter has spent nearly half of her life. She is now 17 months old and has a very rare condition which requires her to go through a number of painful procedures almost every day. I admire her bravery and determination, and also that of my amazing stepdaughter who has risen up and taken on the medical system to keep her daughter alive. I reflect on how far things have changed and how close we have become; there was a time when I came close to throwing in the towel and walking away. Tension often came from outside influences, and I felt largely ignored, as if I didn’t have a right to exist in my own home. At the time, a wise friend suggested that I should be grateful to my strong-willed and sometimes defiant stepdaughter; because she was my greatest challenge, she would also give me the greatest gift of growth. I did not feel very grateful at the time, but time proved my friend right and I am so glad I stuck with my stepdaughter. To have missed out on the joy of seeing her develop into the woman she is today, of sharing the experiences of our granddaughters with my husband, especially the wise-beyond-her-years baby in hospital, is unthinkable.

After leaving my first husband and then falling in love again, I felt I was on a rollercoaster journey without rails to guide me. There were special moments, like the first time I was introduced as ‘my step-mother’ instead of ‘my Dad’s friend’ and there have been terrible times like having to ask my stepson to leave after his continual flagrant abuse of our home values. I wish I had not been so naive to believe that we could work everything out as we went along, just because we were so much in love. When my new husband Stephen was diagnosed with chronic myeloid leukaemia while we were on holiday with three of our children in 2003, I thought, If we can survive this, we can survive anything. Everything else is trivial. Yet it has often been the trivial things that have challenged our marriage the most, and there is so little reliable advice on Learn from your Past, Plan for yourfuture, but live in the Present

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how to deal with such matters. You are now holding the guidebook I so wished for in those early years.

Although we are both British born, I came from a middle class churchgoing family and had spent most of my adult life as a career-driven expatriate with more than adequate disposable income, while Stephen came from a Northern working class background and his world was turned upside down (literally) when his parents moved to Australia at the influential age of 15. He had put himself through university and then raised 4 children on a single salary. Coming together in our 40s, our backgrounds meant that we often saw life quite differently. Our views on money, child rearing, intimacy, goals, achievements, independence, and so much more, all differed greatly. This, coupled with the expectations of our children, often led to conflict. Had we been better prepared we might have been able to handle many situations with more tolerance, understanding, compassion, discipline, and above all more certainty, rather than continually losing our way in uncharted waters.

This series of books is not my life story, or the story of my second marriage, although from time to time I do draw on personal experiences. It is filled with the information I wish I’d had at the time as I embarked on the commitment to becoming a partner again, blending a family together, and creating a legacy for us all.

As I researched and spoke to other encore couples, I realised that I would have done many things differently. But there are no mistakes in life, just lessons, and I am grateful for the opportunity to pass on to others what took me so long to learn. We never stop learning and growing, and rather than lamenting past ‘mistakes’ I continually make changes to become a better wife, mother, step-mother, and now a step-grandmother, and most of all a counsellor to those who seek my advice. Early in my career a wise boss told me, “People do not hear until they are ready to listen.” If you’re reading this book, you too may be ‘ready to listen’, and I promise your time will be well spent.

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Why is it that people get married?

Because we want a witness to our lives.

There are 6 billion people on the planet.

What does anyonelife really mean?

But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything – The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, All of it… all the time, every day.

You’re saying “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.

“Your life will not go un-witnessed – because I will be your witness.”

‘Shall We Dance?’

‘What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined for life – to strengthen each other in all labour, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent, unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting.’

George Elliott (Mary Anne Evans)

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The Normal List Before we start, you are probably going through a kaleidoscope of emotions just now – excitement, anticipation and joy which often simultaneously comes with worry, fear and some guilt. This is normal as it is confusing. Many others feel just like you do, as evidenced by a list I found on a forum where readers were asked to contribute, so you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

It’s normal to feel guilty that you are having another chance.

It’s normal to feel scared to commit again.

It’s normal to worry about your credibility because you vowed ‘forever’ once before – but it’s important to know that even though the characters may change, the quest for love is eternal.

It’s normal to question whether or not you should take his name.

It’s normal to read the etiquette posts and want to cry.

It’s normal to want to have the wedding of your dreams for the man of your dreams.

It’s normal to want all the cheesy things first brides get!

It's normal not to have the support of every family member.

It's normal to think at first, We don’t deserve certain things.

It’s normal to be upset or cry when reminded of your first attempt at love.

It's normal to have issues when kids are involved.

YES, it's normal to be HAPPY and EXCITED when you're ready to accept it!

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It’s normal to overanalyse every single comment he makes – about you, your children, your future, your wedding – looking for the cue that it’s going to fall apart.

It’s normal to partition off those parts of you that were most hurt in the past, and be cautious about being vulnerable to him.

It’s normal to look up waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It’s normal to sometimes just find yourself smiling again.

It’s normal to feel the need for therapy.

It’s normal to be a control freak.

It’s normal to not be good at asking for help.

It’s normal for you to feel you have to keep your excitement a secret.

It’s normal to be afraid to lose the BEST thing that has happened to you in a very long time.

It’s normal to wake up at night & look at him and be amazed he's there.

It’s normal to want a GUARANTEE that he will not be taken from you by some freak event.

It’s normal to feel uncomfortable but grateful when your family/friends want to throw parties/showers to celebrate your happiness.

It’s normal to be pleasantly surprised when your new partner does not behave like your old one did.

It’s normal to feel bad that you get two weddings and some of your good friends haven’t had one yet.

It’s normal to obsess about your dress and wonder if it’s appropriate, but realize that sackcloth and ashes for you would not match with tuxes and pretty dresses for everyone else.

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It’s normal to worry about your child(ren) getting enough love and attention now that you have a new partner.

It's normal to want your family to be just as happy this time as the last time.

It's normal to worry what his family thinks of you, your child(ren), and your parenting style.

It's normal to have a few bumps in the road with the stepchildren.

It's normal to wonder if he's for real because he's just SO perfect for you and your family.

It’s normal for things you disliked in your past marriage to bother you now; you just have to explain why to your new partner.

It is also normal to want to refer to this daily, just to remind yourself of exactly how normal you are!

Pay less attention to the details – it's the moments that you will remember.

Reprinted with kind permission of theknot.com

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Part I:Welcome to Your Future ‘The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It’s a choice you make – not just on your wedding day, but over and over again – and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.’ Barbara De Angelis Marriage is a complex affair, but it can be simply defined as ‘The joining of two people to live as one.’ It is one of the most profound, moving, life-affirming, and important steps that you will make in your life. For many people it’s the next step on the quest for love, the greatest of all human qualities. Both love and marriage bring joy and fulfilment and a sense of completion, and that’s all wonderful, but there is another side. The marriage ceremony and the life you build together will also inevitably bring confusion, stress, and challenge, calling for and even compelling personal growth in ways you never anticipated. The nice things are easy, gifts for you to savour and enjoy, but if you’re prepared for the other side it won’t stop you, in fact it will only make your marriage deeper and stronger, and that is the purpose of this series of books.

The institution of marriage is as old as time, going back before recorded history, yet it never goes out of fashion. Marriage indeed takes place in the heart, and the ceremony itself is simply the outward expression of that joining.

From medieval jumping over a broom to a vast cathedral, the way in which we get married changes, but its fundamental nature hasn’t budged. It was, is, and always will be, ‘the partnering of two committed people,’ regardless of gender or formal ceremony. It’s in our DNA; we are irresistibly drawn to find completion in the warm embrace of another, and we want others to recognise our unity. I’ll be focusing here on the needs, wants, worries, and fears of the Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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female partner, but don’t worry, men – a book on the same theme, specifically designed for your needs, will be along shortly.

All Change Now that we are living longer we are virtually experiencing many lifetimes in one. And as we move through the different seasons of life, our ideal partner will naturally have different attributes, too. For example, who we are and what we want at 20-years-young is very different to that at 40, 60, 80 or even 100 (if you should make your century).

In the same way, the premises that marriage was built on for millennia are also changing. Until the turning-points of the industrial revolution and then two world wars, the pace of life was relatively slow and predictable. The majority of people were born, raised, lived, and died in the same town or city, with the same social, economic, and religious structures and rules. Now, however, all aspects of our lives are accelerating beyond anything ever anticipated by even our parents, let alone previous generations.

So today we are faced with a new choice: we either accept we’ll have many different relationships that complement us as we age and grow, or we become willing and able to work at one relationship so that it evolves as we do. Either way, we’re going to have pain and pleasure along the path, and we’ll never stop learning about love.

Love Will Not Be Denied Unfortunately, without care and attention, and above all understanding, couples can find themselves growing in separate directions and at different speeds. The social acceptance of divorce makes it easier to leave a relationship that’s become unfulfilling. Because the purpose of relationship is to learn lessons in love, both supportive and challenging, even a marriage that only lasts for a season cannot ever be called a failure. However, there is a much deeper fulfilment available when partners can evolve together and make the marriage stronger throughout all the seasons of life. Even when the split is Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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amicable, separation and divorce have a huge impact on individuals, children, finances, careers, the wider family, and the community in general.

‘To get divorced because love has died is like selling your car because it’s run out of gas. Diane Sollee With that in mind, ‘Love2Last’ was created to give your next union the best possible start. Think of it as a tool belt full of wisdom that will help you set a rock-solid foundation to your new partnership, and vastly increase your marriage’s ability to survive the obstacles that drive so many others apart.

Everyone wants a solid gold relationship, one that can endure and grow through all of life’s pernickety challenges and wonderful triumphs, and why not? We all deserve happiness! So these pages are designed to help you understand yourself and your partner, to be certain before committing your whole heart, and to prepare you for the inevitable bumps, hiccups, and challenges that encore marriage brings. Yes, it involves equal contribution and dedication by both parties, but that’s only fair. The effort is so worthwhile, and the resulting partnership will allow you to reinvent your relationship as it evolves to ever deeper and higher levels of intimacy and understanding.

For those who’ve been widowed or had to leave a destructive marriage, working to save your previous relationship is obviously not an option. But the inner drive to find true love, particularly for women, will not be denied, and when the wounds have healed you’ll be back in the Great Game. Nurturing a new relationship will bring you a different set of challenges (and delights, let’s not forget those), but don’t fret, there are plenty of golden nuggets here to inspire you as well.

Then And Now In times past fewer marriages ended in divorce or annulment, but the proportion of living, growing relationships has remained constant (about 50%).

The difference is that back then, the couples whose marriages had actually

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died were stuck with each other until their bodies followed suit – ‘til death do us part’ with a vengeance.

Today the divorce laws of the western world and changing social mores make it far easier for unhappy unions to be dissolved – just look at the British Royal Family. In the space of a mere three generations, divorce has gone from bringing down a king (a nation gasps!) to three of the Queen’s children being divorced, including the heir to the throne, and two remarrying (a nation yawns). Wonderful, enlightened change, but the other side to accessible divorce is that, unlike our grandparents and generations before them, we may take the easy path and not see the value of working to keep the spark alive in our relationships. The risk is that we may give up too soon, not giving mutual love and respect a chance to develop over time.

Something To Think About You don’t want to be excessively pessimistic about any aspect of life, but neither is it wise to be so drunk on optimism that you rush into things where wiser angels may fear to tread. Either way, the following statistics stunned me when I first read them – in fact, they are what actually inspired me to create ‘Love2Last…this

time.

Moreover, they prove that while it’s definitely

favourable to go into next weddings positively, it’s smart to have your eyes wide-open.

40 – 50% of first marriages end in divorce.* 70% of divorced people marry again within three years.

65% of second marriages end in divorce.

Two thirds of second marriages involve children.

Third and more marriages have similar (or higher) statistics.

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* Although these figures relate specifically to English-speaking western world countries, divorce is increasing in other cultures and more traditional developing nations.

At first glance, these statistics would suggest that most of us fail to learn from previous experience, blindly repeating old patterns of behaviour and hoping for different outcomes. If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always had, and that applies in relationship as much as any other area of life. If you want your new relationship to develop, to mature into a deep and abiding love, it’s important to learn new behaviours and strategies – welcome to the purpose of this book. If you apply everything you learn here, your past will definitely not determine your future, and your dreams can actually come true.

‘A definition of insanity is repeating the same actions and hoping for different results.' Albert Einstein

Strength In All Areas Of Life

Spirit

Health

Creativity

Family

Finances

Community Work

Seven Areas of Life

I like to think of Spirit, Health, Family, Community, Work, Finances, and Creativity as the seven core areas that make up our lives, and the chart above shows how they make a complete whole. Whether we’re married or single, Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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balancing these seven areas of life is a goal worth striving for. What tends to happen though, is that most of us concentrate on just one or two areas, think to ourselves, Ahh, the others will work themselves out, and then be mystified when they don’t. If you had seven children (I know, God forbid!, so just imagine it) but only gave your care and love to two of them, would you expect the others to flourish? Of course not, and your life is just the same. By recognising that each area needs and deserves our time and attention, we have a much greater chance of achieving that longed-for balance in everyday life.

Dr John Demartini, one of the world's leading authorities on human behaviour and personal development, says jokingly (but also seriously) that we tend to marry our disowned parts. That is, the parts of ourselves we’re ‘not that good at’, that don’t come easily to us. And he’s right, because it’s extremely unlikely for anyone but a comic book superhero to be strong in all areas of life. Typically (but not exclusively) men are stronger in particular areas and women in others, but as a united couple your potential is vastly increased.

It’s actually a powerful opportunity to create a complete and wonderful environment for the whole family.

Why not look at how you can strengthen each area of your own life by understanding your other half a little better? Build on your strengths and support each other’s 'weaknesses'. Give them the benefit of your natural abilities in your strong areas and learn from them in theirs; become a living example of a whole that is greater than the sum of the parts. Of course you want to learn from your pasts and plan for the future together, but live and grow in the present.

One Last Thought Now that you’ve decided to commit again and link your life with a new partner, your mind is bound to be buzzing with countless thoughts and questions (I certainly had plenty). But the good news is you’ve come to the right place for answers, for the map to this exciting new world you’re about to Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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explore. The following pages are written primarily for women who are remarrying, but there are also invaluable insights for first-timers as well as those whose partner has been married before. And lastly, acknowledge yourself for having the courage to try again, and the humility to seek help in doing it. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel; asking for advice may not be easy, but it definitely makes life’s experiences a whole lot less daunting. And don’t forget why you’re plunging in yet again, what makes it all worthwhile – love, in all its astonishing and magnificent variety. ’Love is a flower which turns into fruit at marriage.’ Finnish Proverb

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Part II:Déjà Vu Again ‘The development of a really good marriage is not a natural process – it is an achievement.’ David and Vera Mace

Taking Your Own Sweet Time What’s your hurry? This may seem like an odd question in a book dedicated to remarriage, but ‘fools rush in’ is such a well-known phrase for a very good reason – because it’s true. Anything worthwhile takes time, and with two people involved that goes double for marriage. ‘Act in haste, repent at leisure’ is another cheery little maxim, so take your time (this time) and make sure you’re sure. No one is holding a stopwatch on you, there’s no prize for finishing first, so build your relationships – with your partner, their children, and your new family – slowly and on solid foundations. See them as individuals rather than just members of a mob, because that’s what they are, and don’t forget to make time for each one. You’re going to be around them all for a very long time, so plant the seeds of genuine caring and you’ll reap the harvest of love and respect for years to come.

Too much haste is counter-productive, and it’s equally unwise to have unrealistic expectations of marriage. By that I mean don’t buy in to the TV-land romantic fantasy of all pleasure and no pain, all happy and no sad, all gold and no iron. You need both sides to build a lasting relationship, just as a child needs both praise and discipline to become a balanced adult. Anyone who expects nothing but happiness will flee at the first obstacle, and rob themselves of the true depth of relationship. It’s obvious that life isn’t one-sided, so why should marriage be any different? Easy times are a gift, but we only really grow in times of challenge, when we must change in order to cope. Let your

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relationship evolve into something wonderful, which means both challenging and supportive, as you learn and grow together.

And don't set yourself up for a fall by imagining, "Well, this time I’m choosing a better partner", because there’s actually no such thing! Not only is it an implicit judgement of the former mate you once loved, it perpetuates resentment, and the only person that hurts is you. The truth is that we are all just human beings with a balance of positive and negative qualities, and there are no completely good or utterly bad people in the world, just individuals who are more or less suited to us at particular times in our lives. The fault lies not in the individuals, but in the mix, which is why it ended. ’Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.’

George Bernard Shaw

After Divorce The main reason for remarriage is divorce, and this intense experience affects everyone involved, particularly you. It’s a major upheaval in all the areas of life, so don’t be surprised if you’re a little apprehensive about putting your hand back into the fire. After a divorce, you’re likely to feel vulnerable and far more cautious about marriage, and that’s perfectly normal. You gave your heart to your previous relationship, at the time you truly believed it would last forever, and such wounds take time to heal. Past experiences have a lingering effect on how you feel and act, and in fact a recent article in ‘Science Daily’ revealed that women are far more profoundly affected by divorce than men – big surprise.

We’ve been labelled emotional creatures, as if that’s somehow bad or at least inferior, but the truth is that we are deeply feeling creatures, and that makes all the difference. On the whole, women care more about their relationships, invest more of themselves into them, and feel more shattered when they come to an end. Nonetheless, an amazing 70% of divorcées remarry, usually within 3 years. It’s actually quite encouraging to know we’re so optimistic by nature. Despite the heartbreak, we still hold marriage dear Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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and vital to our happiness and wellbeing. Fire doesn’t just burn, it also gives warmth and life.

Having once been happily married (however briefly) you’ll know the luxury of closeness, love, and intimacy, of having someone to share your thoughts, fears, and dreams with. Pillow talk, a safe sounding board, hugs on tap, a true friend – there’s really nothing like it. So it’s really not surprising that, despite the hiccups along the way, so many of us long to return to that wonderful place. And it’s much easier to do so when we can look at our past relationship honestly, acknowledging both the good and the bad times. Onesided fantasies of either only happiness (at the beginning), or only misery (at the end) interfere with the healing process and make it much more difficult to move on. Divorce is not as inevitable as the cynical quotation below would suggest, but it does happen (a lot), so you have no reason to feel ashamed or guilty about what is actually a normal part of life.

‘Divorce: The past tense of marriage.’ Anon Letting Go Blaming may feel temporarily satisfying, in a petty way, but it won’t take you where you want to go and is actually extremely disempowering. Blame says, “They did this to me, and I must make sure it never happens again,” so we become fearful and guarded. But taking personal responsibility (not blame) for everything that occurs in your life completely changes the dynamic. If there’s no one to blame, then you weren’t a victim, and you can reclaim the power to create the relationship you’d love to have in the future. The best way to change someone else is not to find fault and point the finger at them, but to change yourself. You’ll be a better partner by being honest about your equal role in the end of your previous marriage.

Work diligently to release any pain or anger that you may have brought with you, and remember you’re not doing it for them, but for you. By setting the bitter emotions aside you lay the past to rest, and give your new marriage a real chance to blossom. I’m not saying it’s an easy thing to do, in fact it takes great insight and strength of character, but the rewards are proportionate to the effort and so worthwhile. If anger is a recurring issue for you, you’d be Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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well-advised to find a wise counsellor to help you let it go. Bitterness is rarely an attractive quality, and relationship is hard enough as it is.

On a practical level, it’s also wise to resolve the past by settling whatever is still outstanding from your old marriage, and that means everything: financial matters, social connections and obligations, shared property, legal commitments, and certainly emotional attachment. You want your mind and heart to be free of any old issues or distractions, because relationship is like any creation – it develops to the degree that you’re present with it. A distracted mind is a divided heart, and your new partner deserves full commitment.

‘Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die.’

Spanish Proverb Creating the New You’ve already done this once, opened up to and learned all you could about a stranger, and it was not only incredibly exciting, but deeply fulfilling as well. There is no reason for it to be any less marvellous now, you just need to allow it to happen. You were innocent the first time, and that makes opening easier, but you were also naïve – the inevitable mix of positive and negative again. Having been hurt may make you more cautious, but you’re also wiser and more mature, and that can work to your great advantage. Be flexible and open to change or compromise, especially if you’re both used to being the sole decision-maker or head of the household. Don’t just unconsciously repeat old patterns, use your experience of what worked and what didn’t in relationship to communicate with your new partner on a deeper level. This level of honesty with another takes real courage, but the good news is that it’s the kind of courage that women have in spades. Only the weak need to be in control all the time, the truly strong are willing to be vulnerable.

‘Love is no assignment for cowards. Ovid Lay the foundation for a different marriage by trying something that may be not only new but a little intimidating, like getting counselling together or attending a quality course on intimacy. Realise that we’re not born knowing Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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how to do this. Relationship is not an inherent ability but a learned art, and sometimes an outside view can really help clear the path and settle any outstanding emotional ‘stuff’ that you may be unaware of, or don’t know how to touch on.

Change is powerful not just on the inside, but externally as well. If at all possible move house or even areas, especially if you’re from a small town.

Making a clean start together will lessen old memories and create new ones faster.

Develop new behaviours and traditions that you create together – your weekend routine, your favourite restaurant, music, holiday – but remember not to exclude or alienate the children if you have any. There might be old traditions that they cherish (holidays are particularly important to young ones), so be sensitive to that. Try to include them in developing routines that reflect the best parts of previous family traditions.

Money; it may not make the world go around, but life certainly doesn’t work as well without it. Strangely enough, this crucial aspect of existence is the last taboo for many, which is why it’s so important to bring financial issues into the open. Child support payments, stepchildren expenses, uneven incomes, excessively unequal assets, different spending and saving habits or beliefs, visions for the future… it’s important to make these matters clear sooner rather than later. If it all seems too complex and emotional, an independent financial advisor can be invaluable in helping you reach an understanding and create a structure that works for you both.

Your family and friends know you better than anyone, and usually have no vested interest in the choices you make. They may drive you mad occasionally, but they also know your hidden side and love you anyway, so when they offer advice, listen.

And remember that we are not victims, but powerful creators. What we think about we tend to bring about, so try not to get caught up in cycles of negative thoughts. If you focus on ‘What if it doesn’t last? What if he cheats on me?' it probably won’t, and he probably will, because you’re virtually willing it to happen! Give your time and energy to what you’d love, not what you fear. If Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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you focus on creating a successful, loving marriage that will last your lifetime, you probably will.

‘Motto for the bride and groom: We are a work in progress with a lifetime contract.’ Phyllis Koss

The Death of a Partner The next most common reason for remarriage, after divorce, is death.

Getting back into the dating world after the death of a partner is extremely difficult, and takes much courage and spirit. If you’re in this position, I can’t praise your bravery enough. But when you eventually find that special someone again, you’ll know it was all worthwhile. And as hard as it may be to imagine, at that point you wouldn’t actually wish to return to the past.

Remarrying after the death of a partner brings a whole new set of challenges, often very different to those of divorced couples. It’s very likely that you’re wrestling with complex emotions when deciding even to see other people again, let alone remarry. Even with the blessing of your entire family you might feel uneasy and uncertain, no matter if it’s been years since your former partner passed away. It’s a big and scary step, but it is life. In the past, widowed men were more likely to remarry, but widowed women are catching up fast.

The Myth of Loyalty So why do we question remarriage more after the death of a partner than a divorce? Why are we so hard on ourselves? There are two main reasons – misplaced loyalty and the guilt factor, and we’ll look at them in a moment.

Firstly, a lesser but still significant factor is that society in general doesn’t expect loyalty towards a divorced partner, but does very much toward a deceased one. Fear of that unspoken judgement can unnecessarily prolong the time alone.

‘Survivor guilt’ is a very common phenomenon among those who lived when others perished. It seems to be a very old genetic program to keep the family or tribe together (similar to whale beachings, where the whole pod follows one member onto the shore), but it no longer serves a useful purpose Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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in the modern world. You didn’t cause or wish their death, you weren’t responsible for their fate, and in fact life itself chose you to continue on.

Recognise the truth of this and don’t fight the universe, don’t let ancient unconscious programming blight your future. If your family have your best interests at heart, they’ll understand and support your choice to move on.

Loyalty, or rather the fear of disloyalty, is a much stronger force, and that much harder to overcome. I called it ‘misplaced loyalty’, because that’s exactly what it is. The one who is gone loved you and wanted your happiness while they were alive, and death doesn’t change that. You don’t honour their memory by creating a life of solitude or misery for yourself, in fact you dishonour it because they loved you and want you to do the same – love yourself. If you believe that death is the end and we simply cease to exist, then both guilt and ‘loyalty’ no longer apply because they simply aren’t anymore. If you believe with most people on earth that death is only the next stage of life and leads to greater light, then they’re fine and wish the same for you. Either way, you’re free, and extensive periods of penance or unhappiness are seductive but ultimately unnecessary illusions.

Grief, Anniversaries, Memories Grieving is so very personal, and emotion such a complex, unquantifiable beast. As a compassionate human being, it’s normal to never completely get over losing someone, even if your marriage wasn’t strong. But even that’s no bad thing, because it ensures that you will never forget them. You won’t forget, but the day will come when the pain wears out or the numbness wears off, and you’ll realise that enough is enough. It can be confusing because there is no hard-and-fast rule for how long the grieving process should take, no official notification comes in the mail to say ‘Congratulations, you have grieved enough and are now free.’ The only one who can free you is you; only you can say when the time for new love has arrived. But because we’re not sure exactly when that is, many of us wait longer than necessary, just to make sure we’re not a bad person.

Further, sometimes we can buy into another myth that our grief is a measure of our love, and confuse the two. However, if you’re honest you’ll realise that grieving doesn’t increase your love for them, it actually blocks it.

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You can’t be in grief and in love at the same time, so choose. Remember that this is your precious life, nobody else’s, and no one has the right to tell you how long you should grieve. Ultimately, what I’m saying is that if you truly wish to love and honour them and their contribution to your life, have and do and experience everything you’d wish them to have had here (including marriage).

There is no greater loyalty or testament to love.

Having made your decision to move on and remarry, you may feel it isn’t appropriate to talk about a deceased partner. This is an individual choice, but in not mentioning them at all you’re holding a part of yourself hidden, which ultimately keeps your new partner at arm’s length. Your previous marriage, the love and the pain of it, will always be a part of you, so it’s impossible to deny or ignore. The best advice I can give here is that when you’re feeling sad, just say so, and say why. Sharing your sadness instead of repressing or hiding it not only helps you to heal, it can create even greater honesty and intimacy between you and your new love. Be open about events that trigger past memories, and don’t be surprised if the darker feelings return on special dates such as birthdays or anniversaries, even years later. Concealing why a particular day affects you can confuse your current partner, and even make them feel responsible for your mood. Instead of leaving them helplessly scrabbling for clues as to what they’ve done wrong, let them know what’s happening. Don’t lock them out, allow them in, and you’ll grow even closer.

We’re All Unique It is important to remember that you are absolutely and totally unique, just like everyone else. Irish Proverb Everyone makes comparisons, it’s how we put things into perspective, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to constantly compare your late partner with your current one. Imagine how you’d feel if they did it to you – not so nice, is it? No one wants to be a version of someone else, so if you notice yourself making mental comparisons, consciously switch your thinking from a judgement to an appreciation of them, and make it a habit. Your new partner doesn’t have x-ray vision into your thoughts (just as well!) but he will sense something unspoken, and it’s not a comfortable position to be in.

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On the other hand, for the new marriage to work it’s important that he respect the memory of your deceased partner. And at the same time it’s important for you to understand that, having decided to remarry, your commitment is now to him. Inadvertently making him feel second place is a recipe for disaster. It’s vital that you’re both sensitive to this issue, so don’t hesitate to raise it when necessary – communication is key.

Your Ex-Partner While it’s misguided to run your life by statistics, it’s definitely worth considering that approximately 60% of people who remarry their ex also redivorce them. This occurs even quicker than first marriages, or second marriages to different partners. Often we revert to old behaviours, habits, and even people not because they’re our best or wisest option, but simply because they are familiar, and seem easier than creating or attracting new ones. The odds are stacked against you, so before taking this momentous step you might want to remember why you separated originally, and ask yourself, "Have we changed enough to create a different result"?

Please Do Think About…

Don't get back together for the sake of your children, family or anyone other than yourselves. If you remarry, it should be because you’re still in love and want to be together again, and simply didn’t have the skills or maturity to work through whatever problem seemed overwhelming the first time around.

If you have children, keep your blossoming romance to yourselves until you’re ready for a full commitment to each other. Most children, even if they outwardly supported your separation, still hold the dream inside that the family will get back together again one day. If you begin dating and then separate again, they can be devastated by a second crushing of their hopes.

Also, they or any eager family members may try to rush you into reuniting before you’re certain.

Again, given your history together and the power of old habits, reactions, and expectations, you’d be wise to spend a little time with a skilled marriage counsellor. Working with an impartial expert work can go a long way to Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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avoiding a repeat performance. Old issues will undoubtedly resurface in time, so resolve them now before you go any further down the line.

But with or without a counsellor, look honestly at what caused your divorce. If it was finances, get clear on how money will be handled differently this time. If it was parenting issues, work them out together first. If it was infidelity, be sure that you can both truly forgive and forget, which means it’s notto be used as ammunition in future arguments. The innocent party cannot live in the exhausting fear that it will happen again, so ensure you talk about this too.

With even more honesty, it’s important that you acknowledge to each other your contribution to the divorce. It’s never one-sided, so now is the right time to accept your portion of the responsibility. Share with each other your expectations, hopes, and dreams, to make sure they match. With all your life experiences, counselling, and learning in the intervening years, you may be a very different person to the one he married the first time, and so might he.

Confront issues that caused conflict in the past, but once that’s done, let them go. Don't dwell on perceived mistakes of the past, focus on the potential of the future.

One Last Thought Developing trust and making a marriage work after having divorced is not the effortless reunion that books or movies would have us believe. Even though we know it rationally, there is still a blind romantic part that hopes for and believes in pixie dust to solve problems, particularly those of the heart.

The truth is that it requires time and a strong commitment from both sides for any partnership to work, in business as much as in love. Don't rush into anything until you fully understand what has changed and why you both believe you can make it work this time. After all, this is your future.

‘The success of marriage comes not in finding the ‘right’ person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married.’ John Fischer

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Part III:Marriage in the 21st Century ‘In a time when nothing is more certain than change, the commitment of two people to one another has become difficult and rare. Yet, by its scarcity, the beauty and value of this exchange have only been enhanced.' Robert Sexton In the last section we talked about how important it is not to rush, to take your time and allow your relationship to develop naturally. That’s important and true, but it’s also a fact that life around us is moving at an ever-accelerating rate. This can be exhilarating when you feel on top of things, but confusing

when

you

don’t.

The

Industrial

Revolution dramatically changed our life landscape, and since World War II the rate of change has rivalled super-speed broadband; the world today is very different from the one we knew even 10 years ago. There is a principal called More’s Law which says that since 1945, electronic components are halving in size and doubling in power every 15 months. Our personal lives seem to be matching that pace; is it any wonder we sometimes feel rather flustered trying to keep up?

Change that used to evolve over many lifetimes is now occurring within a single generation or even less, and it’s placing new challenges on us in all areas of life. The human race has never experienced such rapid change before, and while it is definitely exciting it’s also a little daunting. We’ve become pioneers of continual change, and just like the explorers in ages past, being at the frontier is no easy job. While technological innovation is touted as helping us cope with it all, it is actually driving many of the shifts and advances which are creating our challenges.

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Blink and You’ll Miss It In recent decades, human ingenuity has made great leaps in technology that enable us to travel faster, communicate across great distances, perform complex calculations in microseconds, split the atom, and reach other planets.

The incredible internet, which connects the entire planet in a speed-of-light information medium, is now as commonplace as another ho-hum marvel – electricity. They’ve both become such integral parts of our lives that we take them completely for granted and can’t imagine life without them.

But just cast your mind back 15 years and remember what something as simple as writing to a friend was like. You had to buy the notepad, find a pen, sit down and write your letter, then go to the post office to buy an envelope and stamp, push your letter through a metal slot, and with luck it would arrive within 3-7 days depending on the destination (when it wasn’t lost altogether).

Today you open your computer, type, hit ‘send’, and whether it’s next door or on the other side of the planet, your message arrives in 1/14 of a second! It’s a miracle, and it’s normal.

The new waves of artificial intelligence, ‘frictionless’ stores, the power of communities, digitisation, and the move towards creating ‘experiences’ are all building a whole new culture, which the youngest of us usually embrace first.

Social networking is already mainstream, which means that it too will soon be out of date, and the next wave of technology will probably cut out the hardware middle-man altogether. It’s almost unimaginable, but futurists say that most of our children’s careers haven’t even been invented yet! We may not know where we’re going, but we’re definitely going there fast.

What’s Marriage Got To Do With It? Some misguided souls believe that in our ‘brave new world’ where everything is changing and moving so fast, marriage has become irrelevant.

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that allows us to move so fast in other areas. What those modernists fail to appreciate is that while machines, styles, and speed may change, human beings remain true to their oldest values. No matter the form of expression, we still honour beauty, talent, skill, courage, intelligence, love, and the timeless expression of that love – marriage.

The institution of marriage predates recorded history, and it is as strong today as it was in the distant past. Just look at the profusion of bridal magazines on the market, the huge sums spent on lavish weddings, and the instinctive disappointment we feel if a friend’s marriage comes to an end.

Something so old, that forms the core of families, cultures, and whole nations, runs deeper than any fad or fashion, and will not fade away. It may change shape a little to adapt to our current busy lives, but the need for love, commitment, stability, and connection is fundamental to us all.

Here’s a little history: Anthropologists believe that marriage began when our forbearers stopped wandering the earth as hunter-gatherers and settled down to farming and animal husbandry. When no one owned anything there was nothing to pass down, but as land, wealth, and possessions were accumulated, inheritance became important. Ancient peoples wanted stable societies and a secure environment, and they needed a system to maintain order. So what could marriage offer them?

It cemented ownership of property, land entitlement, and was a contractual tool between families, tribes, and nations.

It provided a basis for inheritance, continuation of status, protection of the hereditary bloodline, and economic liaison – survival, basically.

It was a means for the young to gain independence from the parental home and duties.

It was a holy covenant between two people who chose to commit and care for each other.

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‘The reason for much matrimony is patrimony.’ Ogden Nash Notice what’s missing from this list? Romance! With so many other practical reasons behind it, not until a few hundred years ago was passion in any form a motive for marriage. The idea of marrying for love didn’t appear until medieval times, with the troubadours and poets and their odes to romantic love. For our ancestors, survival wasn’t a given, therefore it had a much higher priority than feelings. Only in the very poorest cultures does marriage without love still persist, and, strangely enough, until quite recently in the wealthiest noble families of Europe. So even though it has lasted down the ages, marriage has also changed, and will continue to evolve as we do.

Although the origin of marriage pre-dates organised religions, the sanctity of the institution is fundamental to all their teachings, and a marriage where the couple have a shared faith or spirituality provides many advantages as well as strong community support. Over countless generations of social development, marriage has emerged as the strongest foundation for raising children. For centuries religious institutions had more societal power than governments, but as their influence wanes less formal marriages, with or without official government endorsement, are becoming more common. But whatever form it takes, marriage still has an important place in our modern world. At heart, it is the union of two adults to live as one, and the label of ‘marriage’ is less crucial than it once was. However, it’s interesting to note that, statistically, those who go through some ceremony to publically declare their love for each other stay together longer than those who do not.

Choice Women have probably had the greatest influence on changing views about formal marriage; essentially, we got to choose. With the development of financial and emotional self-sufficiency, birth control, the stigma on children born out of wedlock all but gone, and widespread premarital sex, marriage has become completely up to us – no longer an expectation, it has become a matter of choice. Emancipation has gained us great advantages in education, Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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career, income, sexual expression, personal spirituality, and the belief that marriage should be for love, not just for life. The way women want to be loved has changed, too. Not only is our attitude to partnership different, even the vows themselves have evolved to reflect the modern understanding of two equals choosing to come together. ’Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.’ Isadora Duncan

The Picture of Love The explosion of media and communication technology in the 20th century brought with it a whole new level of influence beyond the family and community. For the first time there was a complete, full-colour picture of love and romance; TV, magazines, and movies presented artificial but so-convincing images that idealised the perfect marriage, perfect home, and perfect family to live in it. The pressure this bombardment of image, fantasy, and propaganda brought to bear was enormous, and many were crushed beneath the weight.

‘A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ come together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.’ Dave Meurer See ‘Mona Lisa Smile’ (tissues to the ready though – it’s a real tearjerker). Julia Roberts stars as free-thinking, liberal teacher Katherine Watson, who tries to show her students in conservative 1950s America that there’s more to life than just finding a man. They fight against her, but their experiences demonstrate that following convention and ‘having it all’ doesn’t guarantee a loving or lasting marriage. It’s a great example of how women were indoctrinated by the ‘perfect marriage’ syndrome, and what trouble and pain it’s caused us since.

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The Global Wedding Industry The global wedding industry today is worth $80 billion a year,1 with everyone involved selling the perfect wedding. Interesting that it’s become the perfect wedding and no longer the perfect marriage – that myth has finally been exploded, and besides, there’s no money in it. They sell the illusion of a perfect day, but the happily-ever-after part is left up to you. In their blind quest for this dream people are spending more every year, with just the hiring of a quality venue costing upward of $15,000 (£10,000) – and that’s without the bells, whistles, butlers, and bands. Add magazines, movies, programmes, and wedding fairs to the mix and you can see how many might have been rushed into marrying their Prince Charming, only to realise (too late!) that he’s more of a frog. Luckily for encore couples, the desire and pressure to have this dream wedding is much reduced, although I sincerely hope that this time you’ve finally found your Prince.

‘Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.’ H. L. Mencken

The New Norm So even though the traditional makeup of a family is different and relationships have changed almost beyond recognition, we continue to perpetuate outdated romantic paradigms that don’t reflect the real world. It’s now normal for many children not to live with their parents all the time, or to live with non-biological parents and siblings. The New Norm needs to be integrated into mainstream consciousness, replacing the sitcom-fabricated, picture-perfect image of Mum, Dad, Janet, and Jimmy sitting around the dining room table with matching crockery and gingham serviettes. Not just outdated, that particular model doesn’t appear to have ever actually existed, according to Dr Kenneth and Tammy Potts (authors of ‘Mix, Don’t Blend: A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage with Children’).

1

According to the Wedding Industry statistics published by TheKnot.com.

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As far back as ancient Greece there is evidence of single parent households and families headed by same-sex adults. And do you know why so many fairytales have a wicked stepmother? Because before modern medicine, death in childbirth was so common that many men had to remarry, and with food in short supply and mere survival so difficult the new wives tended to favour their own children. More recently, pioneers had to leave and sometimes abandoned their families during the westward exploration of America, and the great wars of the 20th century left many families without fathers, not all of whom were replaced. Just know that ‘normal’ is not uniform and never has been, that it changes over time, and is often very personal. In other words, it’s up to you.

Children and The Real World Just as you change over time and are no longer the person you once were, your children’s view of the world may be completely different to yours, so don’t be surprised if they expect you to see it their way. Their form of sharing might not be curling up on the couch with you for a cosy chat, and if you don’t understand where they’re coming from that can hurt. It may seem impersonal, disconnected, or just plain wrong to you, but they’d much rather share and communicate via text, phone, or social media. Exchanging pictures and videos, and short but constant bursts of mangled English have become their way of expression. It’s neither right nor wrong, it just is, and in many areas they may actually be better informed.

Just look at the ‘Stop Kony 2012’ movement, and the short film by Invisible Children Inc. created by young people to expose the crimes of African war criminal Joseph Kony. It went viral, spread around the world, brought about his downfall, and saved the lives of thousands. As the baby boomers and Generation X introduced legislation to protect privacy and tighten controls, our children have balanced the excesses by opening up their lives to the whole world. Try to remember that no matter how weird they seem, they’re not wrong, they’re just different, and allow them the understanding and respect you’d want for your own life choices.

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Something To Think About As you embark on your new life it’s worth giving new technologies a chance, especially if you have children. They offer us more opportunities, not fewer – we just need to change our attitudes a little. They can open up relationships, communication, and sharing, no matter where in this vast world your loved ones may be. My 90-yearold father Skype me weekly, so I don’t need to fly across the world to see him, and when living in Italy we regularly read bedtime stories to our grandchildren in Australia over the internet. And how’s this for dissolving the tyranny of distance? My family was able to attend my wedding in Australia without leaving their home in the UK, and my father walked me down the aisle thanks to Skype on a laptop held by my son-in-law!

Everything has both positives and negatives; trivial or profound, the fault lies not in the technology, but in how we use it. Remember that the next time you’re tempted to complain about how technology is destroying human contact.

And as a last example of how we are evolving, the need for marriage itself has also changed. Most couples today live together first, whereas in the past marriage was the only way to have sex and children without condemnation.

Single parenting is common and subsequent marriages already include children over 66% of the time, so legitimacy is no longer dependent upon marriage.

Defacto or common-law marriages are legally recognised in most western countries for financial entitlements and inheritance to a large degree, but this differs greatly from country to country. If you are planning a defacto or common law marriage, please read the Legal section in Book 4 - Love2Care carefully. And even though many religious institutions have relaxed their Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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former strictures, people are still getting formally married. It’s not about social, legal, or religious pressure, marriage just feels right to most people on earth.

In Las Vegas alone there are 315 marriages every day – that’s 114,975 a year!

One Last Thought There is a world of difference between ‘need’ and ‘want.’ Need is imposed on us by survival imperatives, but want is a matter of choice. It’s wise to wake up to the difference and realise that we don’t need the approval of others or the permission of society to live the life we choose, so long as it doesn’t hurt others. On the other hand, we want to be married, we want to celebrate our union, and we want the world to witness it. We don’t care if it’s right, cool, or conformist, we simply want to believe in our union and the enduring power of love. And when we believe it strongly enough, and are prepared to do whatever it takes to make it happen, it can be ours. That’s a pretty cool position for such an ancient institution to be in, and it’s why we continue to believe in whatever unique form of marriage suits us best.

The astonishing thing about a modern marriage is that it will take place in a future that we really can’t imagine, thanks to the unprecedented speed of today’s social, economic, and technological change. Even though we don’t know the exact nature of that change, it’s wise to at least realise that it will inevitably happen, and be prepared to adapt.

‘Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.’ Barnett Brickner

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Part IV:Evolutionary Relationship ‘I think a man and a woman should choose each other for life, for the simple reason that a long life with all its accidents is barely enough time for a man and a woman to understand each other, and to understand is to love.’

W. B. Yeats The fact that we are now virtually living many lives in one requires a new form of ‘evolutionary relationship’ that keeps pace with our own development.

As individuals we are living longer, and growing and changing faster than ever before, but that doesn’t mean we must have a new mate to go with each new phase of our lives. A partner isn’t a convenience, nor a fashion accessory we pick up to match our latest outfit or lifestyle and then discard. Love and marriage are much deeper than that – they can last as long as life itself, but we must be willing to work on and in them to make that happen. You change clothes but remain the same person, and in the same way you can change as a person but remain in the same marriage, if you know how to allow each other to evolve. Who we are and what we want and need from a relationship in our 20s and 30s is very different from our mature, empty nest, and twilight years, so our relationship must also evolve if it’s to keep pace with us. And that’s entirely possible when we allow our partner the same freedom to grow that we’d wish for ourselves.

It seems to be an intrinsic law that some couples will find fulfilling love with a single partner for a lifetime, while an equal number will experience this just for a short time, or with different partners in succession – what I like to call a season. Until a few generations ago living beyond the age of 50 was a bonus, so most marriages only had to last long enough for the children to leave home. However, the majority of people today are living into their 70s, 80s, and 90s, and are seeing their grandchildren and even great-grandchildren marry.

They’re also having multiple careers, through either choice or necessity, staying healthy and active far longer, and have greater opportunities to pursue their own interests, especially once their families are grown. It’s a longer and Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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more varied life of many paths, and the goal is to have personal relationships come along with us. ’A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.’ Mignon McLaughlin

Change Is Life Obviously, in this new world we change significantly as people; our interests, goals, and dreams change and evolve, and so do the joys we experience and the challenges we face. While some prefer a journey of more comfortable familiarity, others hunger for variety in every area of life,

including

relationship.

This

fearless approach is very much evident in females over 50, where separation and divorce are increasing rapidly. Those of us emerging from decades of selfless child-rearing and the chrysalis of menopause to be self-assured goddesses (Oh, why not reach for the stars?) want to make every day of the rest of our lives count.

Unfortunately, the more traditional males are startled by our new-found power, like deer in bright headlights. They’re utterly unprepared for the sudden appearance of this self-directed new person in their lives, and they don’t quite know what to do with her. It’s good for them, like accelerated evolution, but it’s also challenging for those who are quite at a loss until they learn how to appreciate, respect, or even recognise the new you.

And after all, the social and sexual dynamic between men and women has undergone a radical transformation. For thousands of years children were owned by their parents, and upon marriage the woman then belonged to her husband, a chattel to be listed among his other possessions. In fact, during the middle ages an ‘enlightened’ new law was passed to prevent a husband from Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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beating his wife with a stick that exceeded the thickness of his thumb. You know and have probably used the expression ‘rule of thumb’, but did you ever imagine where it came from? Yes, things have changed, and for the better.

Men are feeling and stressing and crying and cooking and pampering and preening and moisturising more. Women are working and earning and speaking up and refusing and leaving and owning and directing more. We’re all changing; men are becoming more feminine and women more masculine, children becoming more adult and adults more childish, the talented becoming more humble while the talentless demand more attention, and this blurring of the old clear demarcations is both freeing and confronting. In the new era of social upheaval a lot of people (particularly men) don’t know who the devil they are anymore, or how to think and behave. It’s important to change, but just as important to deal gently with those who are finding particular areas or phases tougher to handle than we are.

An emerging group of particularly gutsy lady-folk comes from the countries of southern Europe. The desire to be more than just a wife and mother (great as those things are), for careers and personal identities, often clashes with their traditional cultures. But they’ve taken a stand and are far less willing to compromise these days – some even try to be superhuman by doing it all; working, raising a family, and managing the household. So it’s no surprise that marriage and birth rates are dropping in those areas, which contributes to the economic changes occurring there. By contrast, marriage and birth rates are declining more slowly in northern European countries where the men are more tuned in to shared parenting and household duties.

Where the partners evolve together, relationships survive – where they can’t or won’t adapt to change, they don’t. In all, the impact of social demographics, birth rates, and spending habits on national and world economic cycles of growth and decline is far-reaching. Our lives aren’t really small at all; what we do profoundly affects the wider world.

If this topic piques your interest, try dipping into the work of economist Harry S Dent. He offers fascinating insights into the correlation of demographic Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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(the division of society into various categories of age, gender, and income) habits with economic cycles. His predictions on the Global Financial Crisis (both the one we’ve had and the one still to come), are pertinent and invaluable, especially when it comes to planning your financial future with your other half.

Something To Think About ’In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce.

The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.’

Robert Anderson So relationships are evolutionary, and always have been. They have to be, because they are part of life which continually moves ahead, but the pace of that evolution is increasing with each passing year. For your marriage to last and grow, both of you must first become aware of, and then be willing to step beyond, any personal, traditional, or cultural blueprints/straitjackets that are holding you back. It also means that really getting to know your partner and what’s deeply important to them matters more than ever before. If you don’t know what they truly want to be, do, or have, how can you give it to them, or help them to find it? The exercises at the end of the next section will provide great insights into their true nature, as well as your own. As with so many things in life, understanding is the key, coupled with the willingness of both partners to modify their own behaviour so that both can be fulfilled. It’s good old-fashioned give and take, otherwise known as fair exchange, and without it neither a business nor a relationship can prosper.

My aim in this book is to share my hard-won experience and knowledge to help you gain an understanding of all the factors that impact relationship dynamics, both the positive and the negative. Further, I hope to assist these wonderful evolutionary relationships to occur as much as possible with the same partner, and to minimise the emotional, physical and economic impacts on the family. But if this is not possible (and it often isn’t, so don’t feel bad), deeper understanding can go a long way to speed healing and reduce the blame, guilt, acrimony, or sense of failure in the aftermath. If you’ve separated Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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or divorced, chances are you’ve probably already experienced all of these emotions and know how destructive they can be for everyone involved. And if you’re reading this now, it’s because you want to avoid it happening again, or at least not for the same reasons. The powerful exercises at the end of the next section will also help you let go of the past and embrace your future with an open heart and mind.

Pens To The Ready!

We are not victims, we’re the architects of our own lives, but until we claim responsibility for our past we don’t get the power to change our future. We attract people and events in order to learn wisdom and love and humility, they come into our lives to wake us up to both our smallness and our greatness. In addition, whatever we criticise or condemn in others we’ll continue to attract until we let it go, so this exercise has dual benefits – selfawareness and clearing the future.

Part One Column 1 - What role did you play in the ending of your previous marriage?

For example, were you too focused on the children and forgot about him?

Did you have such high expectations that he felt disempowered and threatened? Did you allow your genetic family too much say and presence in your marriage? Were you unaware of or did you simply ignored his values (what was important to him)? Did you fall out of love and ‘forget’ to mention it so it could be worked on?

Keep going until you realise that you played a different but equal role in the ending of that relationship. This will go a long way to reducing resentment and any sense of lingering victimhood.

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Column 2 -What did you learn from that marriage about how to be in relationship?

From your experience, what do you now know that works and doesn’t work? What knowledge and growth do you have to be grateful for? How can you bring this understanding into your new life? What did you learn from your previous marriage/s? What did they teach you? What did you teach them?

What do you have to thank and be grateful to them for? The aim is to put you in a position where you’re grateful for the experience, and are happy to leave it and move on.

Remember you’ve learned not just about you, but also about your partner, so what can you tell your new man that will help him be a better husband to you?

Column 3 - What are you not telling your partner about yourself that you would most want them to know? This is a simple but very powerful question; Answering this truthfully takes real courage, but so does love. And once you’ve told them, ask them the same question about you.

Real Stories…

Elizabeth was married to a heavy gambler. After he’d lost $250,000 (most of their savings plus re-mortgage), Elizabeth finally left him. Bitter at the loss of her home and belongings due to his addiction, with the little she had left she was able to buy a small house in need of repair. To keep busy and heal her emotional state, Elizabeth decided to throw herself into repairing and upgrading the house, but something unexpected happened – she loved it and discovered a hidden talent for decorating and design.

Elizabeth’s neighbour was doing the same thing, so upon completion they had their renovated houses valued. To their surprise and delight, both properties had increased enough for them to re-mortgage and buy another small house and do it all again.

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By the time Elizabeth met Jack, she had three rental properties, a lasting friend in her neighbour, and a whole new skill set. Jack and Elizabeth fell in love and became engaged, but thanks to her previous experience she suggested a prenuptial agreement. She continued her shrewd strategy of using spare equity in her houses to renovate others, and keeps her considerable income separate and protected. She now has her own thriving business and makes all the decisions for herself, just as Jack has his own business life. Ironically, none of this would have happened without her first husband’s gambling addiction; her new-found wealth, independence, and love more than made up for anything she feared she had lost. Because she didn’t let it stop her, she regained it all and more – a profound lesson in self-belief and trusting what life brings to us, no matter how it may appear at first.

‘The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.’ Barbara de Angelis

One Last Thought For relationships to flourish and grow takes equal commitment and effort from both partners. If only one of you is willing to make it happen, no matter how committed you may be, it’s like trying to hop on one leg – you don’t get very far. If your new partner has been married before, offer them the opportunity to do these exercises as well. As Doug and Naomi Moseley state in their book, ‘Making Your Second Marriage a First Class Success’, in order to make lasting changes, “a wobbling couple needs an ironclad both-feet-in commitment to remain together… along with a determination to work on themselves and their relationship during that time.” You’re in it together – give it a chance!

‘More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ‘ Doug Larson

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Part V:No Marriage is a Failure “failure.' Leo F. Buscaglia, In this modern world, we find ourselves called from within and driven from without to find new and ever-expanding levels of personal fulfilment, and that’s great – it helps us not to waste a moment of our precious lives. But along with that aspiration comes an equal need to feel successful in everything we do, which eventually turns into the unconscious belief; ‘I must win, or I’m a loser. Without success, I am nothing,’ and that’s not just misguided, it’s impossible. Cast your mind back over your life and try to remember a single instance where you mastered something at the first attempt. If you’re honest you’ll realise it never happened, because that’s not how life works. Reading, writing, riding a bicycle or driving a car, cooking, dancing, even sex; it all takes practice. Practice makes perfect, and anything worthwhile always requires a period of learning, of trial and error, so why should we expect something as complex and challenging as marriage to be any different?

The average child falls down 8,000 times while learning to walk.

Can you imagine the amount of courage and determination it takes to ‘fail’ at something 8,000 times and still not give up? But because the child never thinks of failure, but is simply determined to learn how to walk and will do whatever it takes, it eventually succeeds. That drive is hard-wired into every creature that goes on two or four legs, but only we humans have an equally powerful desire to learn how to love. We can’t deny it, and we’ll do whatever it takes to achieve it. It can be a very hard row to hoe, as you certainly know by now, but everyone who doesn’t give up on this most difficult and rewarding of all challenges will eventually succeed. Fortunately, it doesn’t take 8,000 relationships to finally find love, but it will almost certainly take more than one. Unfortunately many of us marry too soon before finding the one that we can grow with and will last a lifetime with.

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In the western world most partnerships begin with romantic love, or at least infatuation, and we assume that these unions will be more successful than those of cultures where marriage is arranged by the parents. Yet, surprisingly, statistics reveal that arranged marriages tend to outlast our own.

This is no doubt partly due to a more rigid social structure and lack of choice, but not entirely. The big difference lies in the expectations of the people involved; one believes that love comes first and then marriage, the other believes that marriage comes first and love grows later. We tend to want love now and forever, and the moment it fades or falters we feel betrayed, while they are more willing to wait, to learn and work within the relationship. One learns about love from a single partner, and the other from multiple partners, but what they have in common is that both must learn how to love over time.

We have more choice to enter relationship, and much more to get out, but the results still depend upon the individual.

‘I have never failed, I have simply found 9,999 ways that did not work, and every one brought me closer to success.’ Thomas Edison

Here’s The Thing We want to succeed and we hate to fail, so it’s natural to carry a certain amount of anger or resentment towards any person or situation where we feel unsuccessful, and that certainly includes marriage. But if you know with absolute certainty that there are no failures, merely ongoing lessons in love, then instead of resenting them and feeling guilty about yourself you can be grateful for everything you learned, and carry that knowledge into your next relationship. It’s wise to focus not on your hurt, but on your growth – what you gained and how you matured through that experience.

But right now, do you still feel that because it ended, your previous marriage was a failure? Let’s look at some other areas of life to see if that’s a reasonable attitude to hold. When your shoes wear out, is it a failure to buy new ones? No, it’s exciting and pleasurable. If your zippy little sports car no longer suits your larger family, was it a mistake to have bought it in the first Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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place? No, you just outgrew it. If you change career at 50 (whether by choice or necessity) is that a failure, or is it an opportunity to learn new skills and find fulfilment in another sphere? It’s not the event itself, but your attitude toward it that determines the success or failure.

And even further, when you graduated from high school or university, did you feel that because you left, you’d failed? Of course not, because you graduated! You learned what they had to teach you, got your diploma, and automatically moved on to the next level to apply your new knowledge. Well, love is exactly the same; the purpose of every relationship is to teach us about love (what works and what doesn’t), and as soon as we learn all we can from that relationship, or circumstances make further growth there impossible, we graduate. You receive your diploma (aka divorce papers) and go on to the next higher lesson in love. Far from being a failure, the end of a completed or futile marriage is a great success. Life itself took you out of that situation, and the moment you let go and allow it to act, it will give you the next level of learning.

Almost all of us complete primary school, most finish high school, fewer go on to university, even fewer earn master’s degrees, and only a very few achieve their PhD. If you’ve been through a series of intense relationships, in or out of marriage, you must really want to master this most challenging of all subjects.

That’s not a failure, that’s determination, and it deserves to be recognised as such. You’re not a divorcée, you’re a DL – Doctor of Love.

It’s important to realise that marriages don’t fail, they end, and that understanding changes everything. If anything, failure is to remain for years, decades, or a whole lifetime in an unfulfilling place where you were no longer growing but merely surviving. That would be a tragedy, because one of the great compensations for this stressful new world is the freedom we have to choose our own destiny – all it takes is the courage to exercise it. Sooner or later, the time will come when you’ll see that there were as many positives to that relationship as there were negatives, and on that day you’ll be free. It’s called ‘the wisdom of age’ but you needn’t get old to have it, all it takes is insight and honesty right here and now.

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Think of the Children Another compelling reason to banish the idea of failure from your mind is the effect it can have on your children. Children often blame themselves when their parents separate or divorce. They believe it was somehow their fault, and that if they’d acted differently mum and dad would still be together. Children are also highly sensitive; if you’re resentful over what you believe to be a failure they’ll feel it, which can compound their sense of responsibility and guilt. But if you know with absolute certainty that there was no failure so no need for blame or guilt, they’ll pick up on that and have an entirely different attitude to their parents, themselves, and marriage itself. Not only your decisions but also your feelings have a profound effect on those closest to you.

‘Children would rather come from a broken home than live in one.’ Dr Phil Real Stories Sean, Jean’s eldest son, was three years old when his parents divorced.

Jean went on to remarry twice more and have five children in total. Sean grew up believing that any men who came into his family would eventually leave, and that he somehow drove them away. This led to great self-doubt, so he always tried extra hard at everything. In adulthood his belief system went into overdrive and he lived to excess, from wild partying to world-class extreme skiing, yet never felt good enough. Believing he was unworthy and unlovable, he took huge risks and constantly lived on the edge to keep people from leaving him. After many escapades, injuries, and losses he came to realise that this drive was founded on a childhood fear of abandonment.

Something Else To Think About A primary reason to explore the changing face of marriage in modern times is to bring conventional thinking into alignment with present reality.

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relationships and marriage, ease of divorce, ‘friends with benefits’, increased longevity and health, higher education, the internet… All of these and a host of other factors contribute to a world that is entirely different from the one where many of our unquestioned attitudes and beliefs were formed, and the fact is that they simply don’t work in the new reality.

Most people want the best for their children and themselves, yet perpetuating outdated ‘happily ever after’ propaganda often achieves the exact opposite – creating intense feelings of guilt and failure in those who don’t conform. It can make the children feel they come from a ‘different’ home, with divorced or single or one-gender parents who don’t match the fantasy, feel wrong about themselves, yet 40-50% of homes are like this. We can also unconsciously buy into such a pervasive myth, burying our heads in the sand and thinking, Well, that’s not going to happen to me, then feeling betrayed, hurt, or angry when it does. We owe it to them, and to ourselves and our partners, to forge a new understanding of love and marriage in the 21st century.

So you can see what a powerful effect your beliefs have on your life, and the lives of those around you. But what we often don’t realise is that our language is a reflection of our beliefs, and the words we use can have equally far-reaching effects. In a very real sense, what you say to yourself on a daily basis becomes your future reality (and that of your children, because they are such language sponges), so please become aware of and take responsibility for what comes out of your mouth. It comes from a lack of deeper insight, so take the word ‘failure’ out of your mind and your vocabulary. If you don’t feel a failure, you won’t talk like one, and your children won’t feel abandoned or responsible for your new situation. And isn’t that what you want for them?

The Power of Language ‘Words can inform our mind, caress and comfort our feelings, excite and thrill our spirit, or warm and kindle the flame of our hearts. They can also slap Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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our face, punch us in the stomach, rattle our nerves, kill our desire, or destroy our self-confidence. Of course this is metaphorical, but these metaphors capture in words our physical reactions to what is said, and that is the power of language. It can emotionally move and affect us as powerfully as physical actions.’

Michele Toomey, PhD – 1999 Of course, as you are reading this book, chances are that you are ready to move on. What we have covered in this section is to give you insight, so you can consciously let go of any preconceptions that you might have failed in the past.

Find A Better View This section ends with a very powerful exercise to find the blessings in your previous marriage, let go of any lingering resentment, and release the illusion of failure. The following little story may help you do just that.

Real Stories...

Back in the 1980s, a research group conducted a study on the lives of the most successful businessmen in America (it was the 80s, remember, so they didn’t even look at women). Their intention was to prove that the successful were always so, and by examining their lives expected to find a nice smooth career arc rising from one triumph to another on the way to their present high status. But what they actually found astonished them. Far from being consistently successful, the top CEOs had careers marked by the most extreme failures; firings, bankruptcies, the loss or destruction of huge companies, extreme and very public criticism, national disgrace, jail terms… really disastrous stuff. The difference was that they never let any apparent failure stop them, but simply learned from every single experience and used that knowledge in the next step of their career. They built on failure to create great success, until the next challenge and ‘failure’, which they would also learn and Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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grow from, until they finally achieved their goal. Success and failure are like alternating spokes on a wheel, and to get anywhere you must be willing to let it spin; if you can’t handle the latter, you won’t get the former. It’s not just hopeful philosophy and hand-holding, this is the truth about how life works; practical, financial, romantic – highs and lows are part of the journey, but if you don’t quit, you can’t fail.

Pens To The Ready!

I’ve said that the world is a balance of positive and negative, and the principle applies equally to people and marriage. It’s true, but unless you see it in your own life it stays just a theory, so let’s make it experiential.

Grab a pen; this exercise is in two parts, designed to neutralise any lingering negative emotions about your previous marriage or relationship.

Part One Copy the columns below onto a piece of paper.

Column 1 - Start writing down every single thing that still hurts, offends, annoys, angers, or enrages you about your former partner. This should be fun; just write whatever you’re still carrying, anything that still causes you pain or resentment or regret. Keep it short (it’s not a hate letter), one quality in 2–4 words per line, and keep going ‘til you can’t think of anything else. You should get between 30 and 100 items here, depending on the nature of your breakup.

Column 2 - This is a little trickier. Everyone has a balance of qualities (even him!), but if you only see the negative side it’s hard not to stay hostile. For every one of those negative traits I want you now to find where and when he was the exact opposite, to the same degree. If you identified ‘tight’, find where he was equally generous. It may have been with time or work or attention or knowledge rather than money, but he has to have it. If the negative was ‘fat’, in what area of life was he lean and fit – perhaps mentally, or in business?

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Column 3 - This one is even more challenging, and continues the process of healing. For each annoying characteristic you listed about your previous partner, I now want you to find every single one of them in yourself. We all have every trait, so don’t waste time thinking you don’t have it – you do, but it will be in your own form. For instance, when angry he may have shouted and blustered while you got cold and distant, or vice versa; one is hot and the other cold, but both close the doors of communication and drive the other away. He may have been controlling with money, while you were controlling with sex, and so on. It takes honesty, but don’t stop until you have found when, where, and with whom you’ve done every single thing you object to in him, and to the same degree. That means you have to own this quality in yourself just as much as you’ve seen it in him. This goes a long way to reducing resentment and any illusions of victimhood.

If you should think of any more for the first column, add them as you go, but don’t stop until each column is equalised. This exercise can be remarkably cleansing for the mind and healing for the heart, so if you don’t feel lighter at the end that just means you haven’t got everything. It may be one big thing you’re still holding onto, or several small ones, but go back and find what’s left and complete all three columns.

Column 1 – What were his negative qualities?

Column 2 – Where was he the exact opposite? (to the same degree) Column 3 – Where do I have those traits? (to the same degree)

Part Two Part one neutralised your emotions about the person, part two now works on the marriage itself. Copy and fill out the columns in the same way, and keep listing drawbacks to your previous marriage until you simply can’t think of any more. You should be able to get at least 100 lines for each column Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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here: look at each of the 7 areas of life we covered in the first section; think of things you wanted to do but couldn’t; things you didn’t want to do but had to; welcome people who came into your life as a result; unwelcome people who left it; opportunities you wouldn’t have had otherwise, how your life has improved since, and so on.

Column 1 – What were the benefits to ending my previous marriage?

Column 2 - What were the benefits if my previous marriage continued?

Column 3 – What were the disadvantages to my previous marriage ending?

Column 4 - What would have been the disadvantages of my previous marriage continuing?

(A copy of the Neutralisation Process chart can be found at the end of this section.

You’ll know you’ve finished by how you feel inside, when any negative emotions have lessened or dissolved completely and you’re grateful the marriage is over. These exercises may take a little time and discipline to complete, but the results are more than worth the effort. Anything left incomplete tends to repeat itself, so this will help clear the path for your new marriage.

’If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.’ Mignon McLaughlin

In our mentoring program we help you to complete thesepowerful exercises, as we believe that by doing it properly it can have such a profound and cleansing effect. They give you the opportunity to leave you pass behind forever, and even celebrate how it has helped you grow.

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One Last Thought ‘There are no mistakes in the universe. ’Dr John Demartini It may be helpful to think of life as following seasons, just as nature does.

But instead of summer and spring I like to think of: Preparation (sowing), Growth (development), Reaping (harvesting) and Absorption (resting).

Research has shown that each of our seasons lasts 9–12 years (so not a sevenyear itch), and each season brings new challenges and opportunities. Hopefully we can mature and weather the seasons with our partner, but if we start again with someone new, neither is right or wrong.

People divorce for many reasons, at every age on the life spectrum. The younger the couple, the more likely the problems are to be related to external factors like money, family, or affairs. Mel Gibson’s 91-year-old father recently sued his 73-year-old wife for divorce, and it probably wasn’t for infidelity. But whatever the cause, people only separate when they hit an obstacle they can’t find their way through or over. The following exercise will help you see your previous marriage in a more balanced light, reducing the likelihood of your having to repeat the same lessons over again.

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Neutralisation Process (Previous Marriage) What were the benefits

What would have been

What were the

What would have been the

of my previous marriage

the benefits if my

disadvantages of my

disadvantages of my

ending

previous marriage had

previous marriage ending

previous marriage

continued

continuing

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Other Products and Offerings available from www. Love2Last.co You will find everything you need to know about getting married again or starting another serious relationship at Love2Last.co. We have a comprehensive range of resources, articles, videos, tools and services to get you through this exciting and sometimes daunting time.

Sign up to our free newsletter Subscribe to receive fascinating weekly articles and our unique bi-monthly newsletter of the latest trends from around the world. We regularly have subscriber offers and special giveaways. In factyou will receive a welcome gift just for signing up!Subscribe online now at www.love2last.co or by visiting our Facebook page(simply search for Love2Last in Friends).

Useful articles packed full of advice Every week you will find new articles online at www.love2last.co which will help you navigate your way through your relationship and new beginnings. We have an expansive team of professional contributors – psychologists, self help practioners, wedding planners and celebrants. You’ll also find interesting, honest articles from people just like you who are going through the same experiences. Get your self a cup of tea and enjoy all the free articles available online on www.love2last.co

Handy book review section Save time and money by visiting our Book Review section before you buy any books! You’ll find in-depth reviews and feedback from other readers. There are an overwhelming amount of books on the market, we help you pick the ones that are right for you. Check out our book review section on the www.love2last.co website.

Visit our recommended reading section Shop online at our very own bookstore. We’ve personally handpicked the best books from a variety of authors around the world. Visit our bookstore at www.love2last.co to see what books might be helpful for your situation.

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Mentoring and Coaching Moving in or getting married again is a huge change and can be full of complicated situations. Couples who seek mentoring or relationship coaching to help them through the initial changes really benefit! It’s a simple way to minimise conflict and smooth the road, particularly with blended families and complex financial situations.

Look at it this way... If you want to improve your golf or plan your finances, you see a professional coach for advice. The same thing goes for your relationship! There’s nothing more important than giving your new beginning the best possible start.

At Love2Last, we offer three different levels of coaching and will tailor our services to match your personal situation. We hold your hand as you navigate through the makers and breakers of marriages. The best way to find out more is by contacting<Jane>, our mentoring specialist. Simply email mentoring@love2last.co and you can have a chat about the different options and see what’s right for you. We have both male and female coaches that can work with you individually or as a couple.

If you answer yes to at least two of these questions, you could really find some benefit in the mentoring or coaching offered by Love2Last: Are you still bruised from past experiences?

Are you a little bit worried about committing again?

Do you have children or family who are struggling with the new relationship?

Would you like to confide in someone who isn't family or a friend?

Do you and your partner need to learn more about what makes each other tick?

Here’s a quick guide to our three levels of coaching available at Love2Last. If you’d like to find out more or discuss what would suit you best, simply email mentoring@love2last.co

Silver Silver is a lighter package for those who may have been through a pre-marriage course before and have very simple relationship histories. Remember that however experienced you may be, every marriage is different and comes with a new set of challenges. There will be new pressures that you are probably not even aware of yet!

The Silver Coaching Package includes nine weeks of training in the comfort of your own home, at a time that suits you. You will receive full set of the New Beginnings series and you get additional access to exclusive bonuses areas of www.love2last.co.

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Gold Do you want to handle your relationship with care? Do you really know what makes you both tick? A lot of issues in relationships come about because we see the world through our eyes and don't understand why our partner sees things differently.

Our Gold Coaching Package includes nine weeks of training, similar to our Silver Coaching Packaging. On top of this you will receive two in-depth profiling studies so you can understand each other’s personalities better. This will help you grow your love to last and smooth out any speed bumps before they turn into bigger issues. It also helps you understand your new family dynamic if you have children involved.

Special offer for eBook readers: Book the Gold Coaching Package now and receive complimentary access to our mentoring team for 30 days.

Platinum Our Premium Coaching package provides you with premium support and extra special care.

Moving in together or planning a wedding can add a lot of stress onto your relationship.

With our Platinum package you have every chance of success! We’re there for you leading up to these events and in the early days that follow. We will provide you with clear strategies and tools to start you off on the road to success.

With our Platinum Coaching Package you really do have the best chance at building a love to last. We are there by your side, giving you every chance of success. This premium package includes: • • • • •

Nine weeks of training in the comfort of your own home (included in Silver package) Personalised in-depth personality profiling of you and your partner so you can better understand each other (included in Gold package) Six one-on-one sessions tailored specifically to your relationship situation Choice of access to a relationships specialist, family counsellor, financial advisor or wedding planner 120 days access to our professional mentoring coaches

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New Beginnings Series Complete your knowledge of how to nurture your relationship with the other books in the New Beginnings Series. Here’s a short guide to the four books that make up the series.

Book 1 - Love2Connect At no time in history have couples faced the complexities that they face today. In Love2Connect you will find an introduction to second marriages and relationships in the 21st Century. Our insights and research are here to guide you on how to connect with your partner so your new marriage has ever chance of success…from the beginning.

Book 2 - Love2Grow What is it that makes us all unique? What do we need to let go of? How can we learn about ourselves? Does the meaning of love changes as we age and grow? Here you will find how to lovingly examine who you are, who your partner really is and look at what you both want from this new life.

Book 3 – Love2Care What can make or break your relationship? Unfortunately caring deeply for your partner and your relationship is not enough. It comes down to addressing the heart breakers and focusing on the love makers to help to ‘bullet proof’ your new beginning. In Love2Care we introduce you to these invaluable tools and show you how to apply them to your daily life.

We also explain how to maintain love and keep communication lines open.

Book 4 - Love2Share Entering a new relationship and getting married again does not just impact you as a couple.

Chances are your lives are more complex and there are many more people (and circumstances) that will need sensitive consideration. Love2Share helps you identify some of the challenges you may face and provides practical insights to help you navigate your way to happiness.

Coming soon....

Apologies men, this series is written for women. You are welcome to enjoy reading it or you can wait for the male version soon to be released in early 2013.

Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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Planning an Encore Wedding?

If you are planning on walking down the aisle again, our Encore Wedding Series will make your life much easier! These three books will give you invaluable insights and advice on several different aspects of your wedding. Here’s a brief overview of each book.

Book 1 - Love2Plan This is a new beginning for both of you, regardless of whether either of you have been married before. It’s a fresh start so don’t get hung up on whether it’s your second or twenty second (although that would be quite a record) shot at love. Being hung up on each other is what really counts. So make sure you plan a celebration that reflects you, your lifestyle and what you want.

Book 2 - Love2Organise The first thing you need to do is decide on the date, location, type, style and budget of your wedding. Then it’s time to start organising! In all likelihood most of this will fall to you guys the couple. Don’t worry, we have plenty of ideas, advice and guides to help you organise something that is just right for you.

Book 3 – Love2Personalise There are some things your guests will remember about your wedding day and many things they won’t even notice. Identifying what’s really important is a great way to focus your priorities and design something that is personal to you. We have pulled together a great collection of handy hints, tips and advice that can help you (whether you are a first time bride or have been married before) personalise your day.

Love2Track - A comprehensive planning toolkit Available separately, or free with the full Encore Wedding series Are you the type of person who has trouble creating to do lists or needs help keeping track of what you spend? Perhaps you love being organised and want to know exactly what’s what at all times. Either way you are going to love our planning toolkit.

Learn from your Past, Plan for your future, but live in the Present

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