IT MUST BE ME

ITMUSTBEME

MaggieWatson

Isatinmybedroomcryingwhileyouwerelyingonthecouch.

Readinganewspaper,ignoringmyexistenceandmyonlythoughtwas,"itmustbeme".

Andso,theseedsofself-doubt,aswellasloneliness,wereplanted.

Mymotherneverlovedme,sowhywouldyou?

Itmustbeme.

Wehadsexsometimes.

Anythingisbetterthannothing,Iguess.

IdideverythingIcouldtoplease,butitmadenodifference.

Itmustbeme.

NowIknowitwasnotme.

Itwasyou,butthepainremains,andmywoundsrefusetoheal.

BecauseIwillalwaysthink,"itmustbeme".

IfonlyIcouldturnbacktheclocktoatimebeforeyouwalkedthroughmymind.

Whenitwasunsulliedandclean,atimebeforeIeverthought,"itmustbeme".

WhyyoudiditissomethingIwillneverknow.

BecauseyoucouldIsuppose.

Iwillnevergetbackwhatyoustolefromme,thebestyearsofmylife.

Ifwehadnevermet,Icouldnowbesomeone’swife.

NoonewilleverwantmeIamdamagedgoods.

Icarrytoomuchbaggageandnoonewantstohelpmeunpack.

Ofcourse,noneofthisisofanyinteresttoyoubecauseyouarenolongerhere.

Butevenindeathyourlegacystilllingers.

Likeashrouditcoversmyskin.

Youwillalwaysbetheshadowthathauntsmedayandnight.

Wasitme?

AmItheonemessedupinthehead?

Ilookatphotographsofmyselfasachild,happyandcarefree,beforeIeverthought,“itmustbe me”.

Andyes,Karmaintervenedonmybehalf,butithasmadenodifferenceatall.

Istillplaysmallandamconstantlyfilledwithself-doubt.

Ionlyhearyourwordsastheycontinuetoscreamandshout.

Allthiscrapabouttimebeingahealerandwoundsthatmend.

Timeonlyslipsthroughyourfingersasyouletlifepassyouby.

Itdoesnothealanything,nordoesitlessenthepain.

IwishIcouldcryforeverythingthatIhavelost,butIrefusetoletmyselfshedanytearsand anywaycryingisforwimps.

Iammyfather’sdaughterandhetaughtmetobestrong.

IfitwerenotforallthetimesIlethimdown,Iwouldendmylifetoday

WhenIdopassfromthisearthlyplane,IhopeyouarenotwaitingatHeaven’sGate,becauseI havenorealwishtoseeyourfaceagain.

AllIwantistobefreeofthispainandthememoriesofwhatyoudidandthewayyoumademe feel.

MaybeonedayIwillbehealed,ormaybenot.

WillIeverbefree?

OrwillIalwayshavetheconstantvoiceshoutinginmyheadsaying,“itmustbeme”.

Author Bio:

Maggie was born in Cape Town, South Africa

She now lives in a quiet seaside town outside of Edinburgh

She has CFS which is a very debilitating/unpredictable illness

She began writing at the start of the pandemic

At that point, she had no idea it would play such a huge part in her life as it does now.

In 2021 she self published her first collection of poetry and has since published three others

Her writing is now much more diverse than when she began, covering a lot of her life experiences so it can be quite raw

But she always hopes one poem will resonate

This year her work was featured in an Open Skies Collection.

For more examples of her work, you can visit her Instagram or Facebook Page

She also has a YouTube Channel https://www.instagram.com/intheshadowofthepen/ https://www facebook com/sweetangelbutterfly https://www youtube com/channel/UCY yZJI16OQR4 GnbZD7SqA