CONFIRMED: New reality series

Sister Swines: The Single Life airs in 2023!

After Petey the boar was ditched by three of his four spouses in the Sister Swines finale, viewers lamented the loss of their favourite swines. So when GP-TV recently announced its sequel, minus Petey the boar, fans were ecstatic.

GP-TV’s new show, Sister Swines: The Single Life, will track Merry, Pristine and Canelle as they seek love, life and adventure outside the polyamorous, pigamist framework. “I’m definitely ready for love,” squealed Pristine, “and no more sharing – I want my own boar!”

By contrast, Canelle says she still supports pigamy but is very happy on her own, exclaiming: “I’ve already gained three grams after leaving that boar!!”

GP-TV seems to have a secret formula, having won five Any Awards (AA) in a row for outstanding programming as well as The Fabulous Screenwriting Award (TFSA) in 2022. “We love AA, and the TFSA was icing on the cake!” gushed Ms Monnaie Sec, president of GP-TV.

So what’s the secret formula? “It’s our diversity lens. Squirrels, red and black, chipmunks, of course guinea pigs – you name it, we employ it! And we step out of the rodent zone, employing dogs, cats and recently two Komodo dragons,” boasted GP-TV’s rodent resources advisor, Mr. Biscuit Assortis.

However, critics claim rodentism is still alive and well, noting that the top jobs at GP-TV are held by guinea pigs and that the shows disproportionately feature them. “The shows are absolutely dominated by guinea pigs – and mostly the fat, cuddly ones. That’s not diversity! I mean, only a guinea pig could star on My 1600 Gram Life. There is systemic exclusion in the very title!” complained Mince, a hamster from Barrhaven.

While there may be disagreement on diversity, one thing is for certain –Sister Swines: The Single Life is sure to be the hit show for 2023!

What do you call a group of lemurs?

By Michael Kofi Ngongi

If you’re like me, the holiday season provided ample opportunity to lie on your couch and suspend reality for a time while you watched your favourite superheroes save humanity again… and again…and again. I confess I’m quite partial to the Avengers, Earth’s mightiest heroes. I used to read the comic books and I think Marvel Studios did an outstanding job bringing Iron Man and Co. to the big screen.

So, there I was one afternoon, blissfully ensconced in my basement, oblivious to the shenanigans of the outside world, immersed in the action of Avengers: Endgame. Near the beginning of the movie, Captain America mentions he saw a pod of whales swimming in the Hudson River. I know a group of whales is called a pod, but I began wondering: what if he’d seen a group of stingrays or a group of sharks swimming in the river? What if he’d seen a group of eagles or owls flying overhead? Or what if he’d seen a group of cheetahs sprinting alongside his car? Or a group of lemurs dangling from some trees nearby? As these thoughts drove me to near distraction, I decided I needed answers, but only after the movie!

I found out that a group of stingrays is called a fever while a group of sharks is a shiver. A group of eagles is a convocation and a group of owls is a parliament. Finally, a group of cheetahs is a coalition, whereas a group of lemurs is a conspiracy. Perhaps you already knew all this; I admit I was baffled. But on the plus side, I’ve gained a new perspective on the use of these once familiar words. For instance, what if we’re told the next James Bond movie will see our favourite secret agent take on a mysterious coalition to thwart a dangerous conspiracy that could bring down a parliament? I don’t know about you, but I will now be expecting to see cheetahs, lemurs and owls appear in some fashion. That would make for a great movie, don’t you think?

Michael Kofi Ngongi is a new Canadian originally from Cameroon. He has experience in international development and is a freelance writer interested in language and its usage.

Joel Harden

MPP Ottawa Centre

N 613.722.6414

E JHarden-CO@ndp.on.ca T @joelharden www.joelharden.ca