Your Serenity

10 Daily Habits For Inner Peace

By Meerabelle Dey, Contributor and Attorney

We all want serenity, that elusive state of calm that seems to belong solely to yoga instructors. People with serenity are better equipped to enjoy life. Their small problems remain small and don't become magnified into huge catastrophes. And when real crises arise, they react with steady, clear thinking. However, serenity isn't achieved without effort. We need good mental habits to have peaceful minds. So, here are some daily habits to get you on your path to serenity. 1. Give Thanks Continually. When your alarm goes off, before you even get out of bed, close your eyes, and think about the ways in which you've been blessed. Consider the most basic gifts that you have: a job, good relationships, your home, your clothing, your health. Then continue to give thanks throughout the day. If someone lets you in their lane when you are driving, give thanks. When your paycheck is deposited into your account, give thanks. When your child comes home from school safely, give thanks. Make a point of acknowledging every good thing that happens to you. 2. As Soon As Your Mind Wanders Get It Back on Course. We know when we are getting mentally off course. We get irritated over minor things. We decide it's our job to correct other people's bad behavior. We obsess over past slights. These are all symptoms of the mind going down a path toward wrong thinking. Like a car that has shifted into a lane with on-coming traffic, our minds also can shift into the wrong lane. As soon as that happens, stop what you are doing. Walk away from the person who isn't acting properly. Then do whatever it is that helps you get your mind back on track. For me, it's reading something spiritual. For others, it may be listening to inspiring music or talking to a good friend. By re-directing your mind, you can more easily return to clear thinking. 3. Practice Acceptance. Practicing acceptance doesn't mean that you allow yourself to be treated poorly by others. It means that you accept others for who they are. If someone is a jerk or manipulative, that is who they are. It's your choice whether or not to spend time with them but accept that you can't change them. Likewise, practicing acceptance doesn't mean that you don't try to improve your life. For instance, you may not like your current job or home. Accept your situation for what it is today. Do your best at your job and make your home as beautiful as possible. Appreciate that you have work and a place to live. Then do what you can each day to get your dream job or home in the future. Acceptance isn't stagnation. Acceptance is understanding what you can and cannot change. 4. Be Kind To Others. There is no scenario in which being unkind to others will benefit you. So be careful how you operate. The ugly things that you say and do to other people may affect them, but those actions will poison you. If you are unhappy, take a long, hard look at your behavior. If you spew mean comments or take advantage of people, you will be miserable. I can't sugarcoat that. Instead, be consistently kind. Build others up. Be helpful. You will find that by doing those three things, you'll be at peace with yourself because you will actually like yourself. 5. Be Careful What You Drink. Some things we drink can affect our minds. Coffee, tea, and some soft drinks have caffeine. Caffeine affects each person differently. Evaluate how it affects you. If it makes you jumpy or irritable, then either reduce your consumption or eliminate it altogether. Alcohol affects people differently as well. If drinking wine, beer or hard liquor makes you anxious or depressed, again, limit your drinking or cut alcohol out of your life altogether. Being happy is more important than your Starbucks or a nightly glass of wine. 6. Get Enough Sleep. Our minds cannot think clearly if they aren't rested. Small children need copious amounts of sleep-in order to be happy. Adults are no different. While we may not throw ourselves on the floor and scream if we haven't had a nap, we function only slightly better without sleep. Develop good sleep habits. Go to bed early. There is nothing wrong with going to bed at 9 p.m. The television shows you are missing aren't nearly as important as your serenity. 7. Watch and Read the Right Kind of Books, Movies and Television. What we watch and read affects how we think. Choose your entertainment carefully. There is a lot of violent, pointless junk out there which is deemed to be "avantgarde" or "creative." If you want to have a relaxed mind, spend your time watching and reading things that have a positive message or that educate. Don't spend your valuable free time filling your mind with garbage just because it's popular. 8. Keep a Clean, Uncluttered Home. There is a reason why spas don't have dirty towels on the floors and shelves covered with knickknacks. You can't relax in a place that is messy. A cluttered home or room is a sign of a cluttered mind. Make your home a place that is tidy and beautiful. You should breathe a sigh of relief when you enter your home. It should be a refuge for both your mind and your senses. 9. Spend Parts of the Day without Noise. There is nothing wrong with television per se, but there is something wrong with the television being on all the time. People tend to turn on the television to avoid being uncomfortable. We are either uncomfortable with our families, or we are uncomfortable with ourselves. So, we distract ourselves from that discomfort with a lot of racket. The problem is that noise impedes you from truly relaxing. Make the choice to give your ears and mind a break and enjoy the silence.

10. Spend Time with the Right Kind of People. There are people who can't help but be a problem. Everywhere they go, they create drama. Someone has always done them wrong, or they are continually upset about something. Or they just can't say anything nice. Give those people wide berth. You can't necessarily eliminate those people from your life, but you can limit your contact with them. It is a matter of self-preservation. When you allow people into your life who bring chaos, it is very hard to maintain your serenity. It isn't your job to make their lives better. It is their job to not spread their brand of drama.

Creating a Life You Can Call Your Own

The best way to break a bad habit is to drop it.

It’s about 6:00 p.m. on Friday and you realize you just put in another fifty-hour workweek. You grab a bottle of wine on your way home, open the door and head straight for the couch. You grab the remote control in one hand and your junk mail in the other. While shuffling through the mail you suddenly notice a letter from him. You wonder what he's sent and why. After all you’ve dated for more than a year and you’ve never received a letter from him

You tear the letter open and began to frantically read it. The words, “It’s over, I’ve found someone else,” causes your heart to skip a beat and your legs begin to feel like jelly. You tell yourself, “This couldn’t be true.” But it is. It feels like an explosion has went off in your brain, so it has to be true. You’ve never felt like this before.

It’s not like him to tell you something of this magnitude in a letter. You’ve always been able to discuss problems or bad news face to face. You sit back down, and you realize the person you’ve invested all your time, energy, and emotions into has just ended your relationship. This was the relationship you hoped would last forever. After you think for a moment and try to get over the initial shock, you check your call notes to see if there are any messages telling you to disregard the letter. Surely there has to be something about reconsidering or at least something he said to soften the blow. But there’s nothing. You feel hurt, rejected and alone.

Several weeks pass, and for some strange reason things aren’t getting any better and you don’t feel any better. In fact, you still feel emotionally torn, just like you did the day you got the letter. As you try to work through the pain, you reminisce about your relationship repeatedly. You begin to talk to yourself, and then you ask, “What happened?” “What did I do?” “Why didn’t I see it coming?” “Why did it have to happen this way?”

Finally, the truth begins to emerge, and you realize why your relationship with this person fizzled: you simply did not have your own life. This person was your life. Your entire lifestyle was wrapped up in someone else. You see now that all the time you were dating, your life was on hold. Any free time you had was spent with him. Your career, interests, friends, and even your relationship with God was placed on hold. Now that your relationship has ended you have nothing to sustain you. Without your sweetheart you have no life.

Photo by John Mark-Smith

Sadly, I have witnessed far too many scenarios like this one. Thousands of people are trapped in their relationships that should have never begun in the first place. Thousands of women are in relationships where they are trying to get to know the man, before they know about themselves. They simply ignored the number one rule: Get a life!

One of the most important things a person can learn from being dumped is -- you have to always maintain a separate life in your relationships. A real life so to speak! When you invest all of your energy and self-worth in trying to get and keep a mate or simply have a relationship where everything you do and say is in reference to the relationship - you don’t have a life.

Before you met your mate, plenty was probably happening in your life. For most women it usually is. Once you got to know him better did, he became your biggest priority? Have you given up all the things you enjoyed doing because you’re doing so much for your mate? Do you find yourself waiting by the telephone? Has your life really become your partner's life? Once a person gets into a heavy relationship, they are not only consumed they also get caught up in their partner's agenda. You even forget your friends and family until you’re caught on the short end of the relationship and your partner decides to move on. This doesn’t have to happen to you. You can show your love and still have a life of your own while you do it. Before you go out again or say, “I do,” please follow these simple steps.

They detail why you should keep your agenda as full as possible when a new person enters your life.

1.Become More Interesting.

A person will become immediately attracted to you if you carry yourself in a more interesting way. Maintain a wide laugh and a deep smile. Anyone you’re interested in you will soon recognize after going out with you a few times whether your life is good or bad. If you only know things about the neighborhood you live in, he’ll know you’re not well versed in going to exciting places. If you eat at the little restaurant down the street all the time your date will think you lack skills in different foods or restaurants. If you appear to be boring or unknowing, he’ll try other things to remain excited, maybe even other dates.

2.Don’t Make Yourself Too Available.

Most people love a challenge, even though they won’t admit it openly. When you aren’t so accessible it makes him want you more. When you receive a call to go on a date, be sure to let your date know that you’ll have to check your calendar. Mutter not so quietly... dinner with Carla, meeting with Bobbie, workout with Alberta, and drinks with Georgia. Be incredibly sweet all the while you're speaking to him. Remember, the trick is to always act as if you want to go out again, but you just don’t know when you can fit it in your schedule. We all want to believe that we matter. So being busy and still making your date feel needed is a great way not to appear anxious. It’s man's nature to desire those things and people who aren’t so available. It’s a turn on for him. If you hold back a little -- (a lot easier to do when you have a full life) he will immediately become more attracted to you. “Don’t just do your date, do other things too.”

3.Show Your Independence.

Independence is great for romance. The busier you are, the better it is for the both of you. When you show your independence, you’re also able to show that you can really take care of yourself. No one wants to be involved with a whiner or insecure person, and you don't want to feel like you're at the bottom of his list. Don’t insist on filling up all his time - it’s a turn-off. Putting to many demands on his time will turn you into a nervous wreck and neither of you will feel god about being in the relationship.

Having your own life makes you less resentful of his life. Besides, your independence won’t allow you to worry about the amount of time he spends with you. What a relief to know that you won’t make a big deal out of it.

By taking a break each of you will respect the times that space is needed from one another. In a healthy relationship, it’s okay for a couple to have mutual needs that they can fulfill together, but it’s always smart to have separate needs.

Here’s a simple quiz designed to help you become more aware and recognize if you are headed for problems in the relationship. Circle your answer. 1. Do you often cancel previous plans because he said he would call you?

Yes NO 2. Do you rush off the phone just because he’s supposed to call?

Yes NO 3. Do you go on diets because he likes women more fit and trim than you?

Yes NO 4. Do you avoid your friends because he says he doesn’t like them?

Yes NO 5. Do you miss doing things with your friends because you’re missing out on doing something with him?

Yes NO 6. Do you wear only the clothes that he says he likes to see you in?

Yes NO 7. Do you spend the entire weekend at home just because he’s out of town?

Yes NO 8. Do you get rid of your favorite pet just because he doesn’t like the way it looks?

Yes NO 9. Does he decide he’s going to relocate to a better paying job in another state and when he asks you to come along you start packing right away and hope to find a job when you get there?

Yes NO 10. Have you ever caught him having an affair and you blame the person you caught him with?

Yes NO

If you feel that your answer should be yes to these questions, then you have unwisely placed yourself at your mate’s beck and call by having your life revolve around his life. Start making a change today! Begin self-appreciation by setting your own individual goals. Find out more about yourself and what you want out of life apart from your partner. Pursue your own interests. Don’t erode your self-esteem by giving your power away. Your partner may not even be asking you to do this, but when you think and do things only as a couple you are becoming the dependent party in the relationship. Your mate will value, respect, and appreciate you more if you continue to have a life… Your Own Life!