Written by Jacob BLACK Illustrated by Jacob BLACK Edited by Aristide TWAIN
BEING AN EXCLUSIVE CROSSOVER INTERLUDE TO “THE TIME OF THE TOYMAKER”; WHEREIN WHICH IT IS PROVEN THAT THE ORAL HYGIENE OF GIFT HORSES OUGHT TO BE INVESTIGATED WITH CAREFUL CIRCUMSPECTION; THAT THE DOCTOR WHO UNIVERSE IS OVERFLOWING WITH BOOKS WHICH, IF READ BUT THE ONCE, WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING; AND THAT PYTHAGORAS-858 SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE CREW WITHOUT SUPERVISION FOR ANY EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME IF HE LIKES TO COME BACK TO A HOMEWORLD THAT’S STILL IN ONE PIECE. PUBLISHED BY ‘GOBLIN STUDIOS’ — DECEMBER 2020. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
A few days before Christmas, in the year 2020, a gift in shimmering wrapping was found in the pocket dimension known as the Cupid Homeworld. With the Prefect of the Department of Problem-Solving, Pythagoras-858, away on official business — as was his trusted second Juliet-178 — it fell to Carter-1277 to examine the object; being of curious disposition, he tore off the wrapping, and found a book. Large, leather-bound, its pages few but thick. Some kind of child’s abecedarium, and handwritten, at that. The pages were old, but the writing was recent; the ink had not quite dried. Lord Thymon was summoned, and his expert opinion as a time-demon from the Outer Void was threefold. Firstly, that this book did not come from anywhere near the Prime Universe, but rather from the Third Universe. Secondly, that he had no idea quite how or when the book had ended up materialising in the Cupid Homeworld, and that whoever had done it must have some very serious metatemporal capabilities. Thirdly, that there was something rotten about the whole business. However, another expert was then consulted, on the basis that the item was a Christmas present: Celebration-665, of the Department of Festivities, who had recently handed in a rather underwhelming report to the Department of Documentation, and was eager to regain some popularity among his peers. “Look, my good chaps,” he said. “Here we are, near Christmas, a time of goodwill to all. Here is our poor Crew, otherwise bereft of presents due to events beyond our control. And here we have a present, addressed to us. You’d have to be an eldritch abomination to think this was anything else than a Christmas miracle.” It was agreed that Celebration, a fine and upstanding member of the Crew of the Copper-Colored Cupids, and an expert in festivities, should sooner be trusted regarding the proper handling a Christmas present than Lord Thymon, erstwhile Embodiment of Time in the Void Between Worlds — and this, however reformed and repentant the demon might appear. Surprise time-attacks simply didn’t happen on Christmas, really now. And if anybody was going to do such a thing to the Crew, it would have been the Retconning Crocodiles11, whose handwriting had never looked anything like this. So there. With much fanfare, the book was opened. Thespian-315, of the Department of Live Performances, brought out his gilded lectern, and a cheering crowd was assembled for the dramatic reading of the One and Only Present Thus Far Received by the Crew of the Copper-Colored Cupids in the Year of Our Goddess, 2020. Celebration cleared his throat. The reading began. ********** 1
The Retconning Crocodiles, of the Collective of the Retconning Crocodiles, are fiendish metatemporal activists, but are, nevertheless, crocodiles. This famously limits the aesthetic prospects of their handwriting.
A is for Auteur, the skull man scribbling in his Spire, It’s also for Aeris, Arisian, Atlantis! Sunk beneath the mire. ********* So read the first two verses. None of this sounded very threatening; there were those, of course, who raised eyebrows at the ‘skull’ bit (albeit, in Larrikin’s case, out of excitement), but nevertheless, poetry had a certain evident harmlessness to it. Snickers where had at the expense of Lord Thymon, who sulked in a corner. The reading continued. *********
B is for Berahima, ribbit ribbit and a ‘gator’s grin, C is for Cherubs, ticking and whirring, little clockwork men! D is for Detraxxi, hungry looks in their eyes of green, E is for Euclidean—plane of angles, of shapework, and of geometric sheen! F is for Fog Ship, clouds of vrooming mist and thrusters of polished brass, G is for the Geometrons, those in E’s humble plane—all angles and no mass! H is for Harpies, preening and squawking up and down I’s twisted lane, And I is for Black Market, Interdimensional! The Harpies’ bazaar domain! K (who needs J?)’s for Kragza, hoarding nine peaks today, The only Landmark, that’s my L, to its atlas’ resume. M is for the Multiverse, to whiAL•WARNING•ON•ALL•PSYCHIC,• TELEPATHIC•AND•METAMEDIAL•NETWORKS•THIS•IS• NOT•AN•EXERCISER•THIS•IS•A•FULL•SYSTEM•ALERT •DO•NOT•LET•AUTEUR•GAIN•ACCESS•TO•YOUR•REALI
TY'S•STORY•YOUR•STORIES•MUST•BE•PROTECTED•AT •ALL•COSTS•REPEAT•THIS•IS•A•WARNING•AGAINST•P ARRAIN•AUTEUR•OF•FACsShshhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHhhhHhh SkullManSkullManShadowSkinSpireBrideOfDiscordAndLieForGod'sSAKE, DO•NOT•LET•HIM•HAVE•ACCESS•TO•YOUR•STORIES
OR•HE•WILL bellyaching dolt! ********* Celebration looked up from the lectern with a winning smile as he reached that last word, looking as though he’d just told a good joke and was holding for applause. His audience, who had most definitely not heard ‘a good joke’, stayed uncomfortably silent. Celebration muttered something to himself about tough crowds and carried on. *********
V is for Valentine’s, missed amongst the Cupids’ turmolt, W is for the Wellsians’ war, stopped by their own blood’s revolt! And X is forIT•IS•TOO•LATE•FOR•US•OUR•STORY•IS•HIS•HE• HAS•DESTROYED•US•HE•WILL•DESTROY•YOU•BURN• YOUR•GLOSSARIES•BURN•YOUR•ATLASES•BURN•YOUR •HISTORY•SAVE•YOURSELVES•FROM•AUTEUR•SAVE• YOURSELVES•WE•BEG•YOU•SAVE•YOURSELVES!!!!!! ********* Celebration closed the book and took a bow. Rather disappointingly, no one actually applauded. For a moment, nobody dared to move; Bibliophile-962 walked out of the crowd, carefully picked up the book from the lectern, and, holding it shut as if forcing the jaws of an alligator to stay closed, headed for the Cupid Archives at a pace. “I’ll just… go put this in one of the restricted areas, shall I?” he said as he walked out, without even sparing the baffled Celebration a glance. “Before anyone does anything rash. Like reading it again.” The other Clockwork Cherubs sat in stunned silence for a few moments more. Celebration drummed his fingers nervously on the lectern, then, struck by inspiration, declared:
“Alright, everybody, what say we take this shindig to my place. I have cakes for everyone!” And just like that, all was forgotten. At least—as far as the Cupids were concerned.
HEH.
HEH.
Heh.
This exclusive crossover short story from the worlds of “Doctor Who” and “The Crew of the Copper-Colored Cupids” was Written & Illustrated by Jacob Black, & Edited by Aristide Twain, for the “Crew of the Copper-Colored Cupids” Official Website. It was originally released on the 14th of December, 2020.
THE MANY FACES OF AUTEUR: The cover, drawn by Jacob Black, depicts what is believed to be the thirteenth reincarnation of Auteur. He was played on television by [Redacted] in the BBC television series F[Redacted] P[Redacted] between 2067 and 7898.