"Am I proud of my dark skin?"
I've never understood the concept of PRIDE, in response to the violent hatred toward one or many aspects of a person's identity. In this case, my & your DARK SKIN. I've always found that the individual starts lacking as soon as it creates in excess, even to stay afloat in a society that tries to drown them. I found it generated a disconnection from other aspect of what formed my WHOLE BEING and a whirlpool of complex self-questioning. I lack because I'm too focused on one or two aspects of my identity, while other parts are being neglected. This is the evil genius of white supremacy: the tools we're using to fight it, are bound to hurt us and keep us divided between each other & within ourselves, in the long run... PRIDE is revolutionary, in its essence. It's a rebellious act that says "I am proud of what you spend energy hating and trying to eliminate. I am proud of that thing which you're trying to use to make me hate myself." This excess is necessary to fight the black hole that is white supremacy. It is as much a celebration of the self, as it is a reminder of white supremacy's failure to eradicate us. Those aspects of our identity that we are proud of, are undefeated. We are undefeated. Paradoxically, this excess of pride creates a never-ending/forever growing gap between who I am and who I long to be, between society as it is, right now, and the society I'm hoping to see, one day. Mainly because it excludes others who do not share part of this identity, and who are therefore relegated to the role of spectators and who later, might get bored of not feeling connected. It excludes others who do share this identity, but only partially, because being dark skinned changes from one place to another. It will have a different impact on your life. Culturally, dark skin has multiple layers to it. We are constantly being uprooted from the essence of life, coerced into focusing only on the leaves when it's the whole tree that's being cut, right
under our noses. Being forced to perform and embrace dissected parts of ourselves that don't even come close to defining who we truly are as human beings. It's external representation being put as the core aspect of our development. While it's important, it shouldn't be our one & only focus. If I had to make an astrological analogy to explain what I mean by all that, I would say, it would be like reducing my entire self solely to my sun sign, while yes, it is part of me, it barely scratches the surface of who i am. It's your shell and your shell is continually being attacked by outside forces that are trying to get to what's inside. While we're busy fighting them off from the outside, we're wasting precious time & energy to work on what's inside. It's a much deeper battle than it appears to be. Whatever we build knowing there is this dark force with its own gravitional pull out there, is meant to be destroyed. Unless, by the grace of God, there is no more evil. Yes, white supremacy must be eradicated once and for all. At the roots. In the invisible world, as well, because we cannot fill up a black hole. No matter how much excess, no matter how much PRIDE we fill it with. And so, as revolutionary as it is to be Proud, a step further toward radically fighting against white supremacy is to prioritize our invisible self, our spiritual side, our soul but mostly our connection to God and higher beings. Even though, I do recognize that, yes, my dark skin is intrinsically woven into my inner-self, from years of built up traumas (intergenerational and personal): from genocides, wars, murders, rape - the many horrors caused by colonialism and gentrification, from how i'm being perceived in this society. I am not saying don't be proud. I'm saying, there has to be a point where we don't produce in excess to combat, but simply love ourselves and how we were made to be. This day-to-day fight, where my energy goes and dies, is blurring my vision. I cease to exist as"I" but as a concept that both excludes some & includes others. Spiritually, I feel disconnected from my path to go back to
God, unified, from fighting for a place in a society that rejects both me & Him. Yet, this simple questioning of the status quo makes it revolutionary and rebellious. I go back to what I worked hard to escape. If we don't add something more to the equation, we will never come out of this cycle.
Mohini Hewa.