GOLDIE Fashion and relationships

GOLDIE magazine

AUTUMN 2018

£10

Fashion & Relationships

STYLE

FASHION

LIFE

CULTURE

LOVE

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PIAZZA DELLA CUCINA

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JACOB GOLDIE magazine | 5

CONTENTS

W R I T E R S Andrew Brown Andrew Harvey Angela Kennedy Annie Sherburne Caroline Labouchere Chris Campling Corrine Charton Francesca Cassini Gill Manly Harjit Sohotey-Khan Jacynth Bassett James Rigby Jane Duncan Rogers Jane Jennison Jayne Gould

Jennifer Angel Julia Barnikcle Linda Galloway Louise Pendry Lynlex Bernales Mark O’Brien Marten Bjork Michele Swales Nicola Greenbrook Rona Steinberg Sabrina Cadini Sharon Eden Sue Plumtree Sue Wheat Tom Morley

P H O T O G R A P H E R S Marten Bjork Martina Hamburger Matty Bovan Mike Marchant Rekha Damhar Stephen Cottrell

Ben Winkler Gerald Wilhem Jutta Klee Krystian Data Lynlex Bernales Mark O’Brien

M O D E L S Julie Karen Patricia Shellie Suzannah Zoe

Annie Chrissie Ethan Gary Gill Henrietta

T H I S 6 Contents & contributors 9 Editor’s letter

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I S S U E

T H E

I N F O R M E R S

10 Scritti Personali Tom Morley views personal development in a new light.

12 The Goldie Interview Rebecca Weef Smith interviews Tim Yip 56 Sartorial Stories Jane Jennison wore red to be wed, so what?

58 Grey Mattters Gill Manly asks what price love?

60 Anarcho Dandy is James Rigby ready for love?

64 Closet Confidential Angela Kennedy asks Jet Shenkman Why? What? Wear 90 The Scene London Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2019 120 The Silver Psychologist Louise Pendry thinks we can all become superagers 122 Live out Loud Learn to be more like YOU says Rona Steinberg 124 Life Lessons ¢Sue Wheat shares her experience of being a birth partner ¢Chris Campling perseveres with online dating ¢Nicola Greenbrook reflects on ageing authentically ¢Jayne Gould can see clearly now the cataract has gone 134 Pub Talk Andrew Harvey ponders marriage with the regulars 129 What’s your problem?

Ask Agony Aunt, Sharon Eden gives her wise advice for dealing with the end of a relationship 133 Horoscopes Jennifer Angel’s take on the next three months 138 Signing off Andrew Brown shares his final wishes

T H E

A R T

O F

L O O K I N G

16 The search for Mr Kangol: Mark O’Brien has been visiting the Notting Hill Carnival for 20 years 24 A model Artist: Corrine Charlton abandoned modelling, picked up her paint brush and rediscovered a lost love.

M O D E R N

L O V E

28 A Very elegant marriage Rebecca Weef Smith finds out how Kathy and Derek have made love last 34 Our Wedding. Our Way Michele Swales decided after 28 years it was time to ask the big question?

54 Everything you need to know for stress-free over-50s wedding Sabrina Cadini’s wedding trends and tips 57 Happiness is only the cart: love is the horse

T H E

T R A N S F O R M E R S

110 Sheltering under The Silver Tent Francesca Cassini on creating a community for older women 118 All Change Julia Barnickle’s careers have taken her far but she is happy to take life as it comes 128 Yoga changed my life Lynlex Bernales: does yoga prepare you for lifes challenges?

130 Sex over 70 Sue Plumtree doesn’t think she is the only one doing it 132 Astrology is the new therapy Jayne Gould introduces Astrologer Jennifer Angel 136 Let’s talk about death Jane Duncan Rogers looks at end of life questions and answers

F A S H I O N

M A T T E R S

38 Shades of love Second-hand Event dressing 62 Can it ever be as good as the real thing?

Jacynth Bassett hopes so 66 It’s a family affair Plum Bovan’s earrings are a big deal thinks Rebecca Weef Smith 74 Fashion is the armour Can it be procured from your local charity shop?

70 Chameleon Skins: it’s in the clouds Annie Sherburne has high hopes for sustainable fashion 86 Top marks for excellence Angela Kennedy talks to Cambridge satchel founder Julie Deane 96 Where are they hiding the older models asks Rebecca Weef Smith?

100 Real women: form a Q Rebecca Weef Smith on the women putting age centre stage

T R A V E L - L I T E 102 An insider’s guide to Skeppsholmen with Marten Bjork and Patrick Cordier 106 From Vines to Vineyards Paul Vines tells Linda Galloway how he ended up living in Majorca 114w Travel in your forties can transform your life says Harjit Sohotey-Khan

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EDITOR’S LETTER

THE GOLDIE CREW

Fashion & Relationships

Editor: Rebecca Weef Smith rebecca@goldiemediagroup.co.uk

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Sub editors: Andrew Harvey Beth Evans Chris Davalle Enid Shelmerdine Hannah Wilkinson Jayne Gould Walter Gammie

e had originally intended to focus on relationships in this Autumn Issue because we were due to come out in September, our wedding anniversary month. Life is, after all, a team game: relationships are vital to well-being at any age; statistically, we live longer if we surround ourselves with people we care about. This magazine is the product of a husband and wife team but we wouldn’t get very far without all the other people who contribute: writers, photographers, sub-editors, family, friends and followers. There was a bit of a spanner in the works which delayed publication until October. We got here in the end and want to thank everyone who supported us and urged us to keep going. If we needed more evidence to remind us that relationships are essential we were supplied that whilst producing the Autumn Issue.

Do our relationships change as we age? Are our emotional desires the same as they were in our youth? And what about the relationship with ourselves? Looking at the articles in this issue I don’t get a sense that our need to love and be loved changes that much with the passing years.

We are social creatures, we crave connection and want to share the journey: moments such as birth – Sue Wheat was her best friend’s birth partner, marriage - Kathy and Derek have been married for 42 years and Michele Swales has been married since July - or death Jane Duncan Rogers helps us to ask ‘D’ questions and Andrew Brown Signs Off. Or to go travelling - Harjit Sohotey-Khan explored Asia with her husband and Julia Barnickle’s travelling wasn’t always planned.

It may be that you are looking for love; online dating is something that is on many of our writers’ minds – Gill Manly, James Rigby and Chris Campling share their experiences. And what happens to sex after 60? Relationship expert Sue Plumtree tells her own personal story as well as tips we can all take to bed.

The internet is shaping everyone’s life but how do we as over forties approach life online?

I first meet our cover star Karen Arthur on Instagram, we started chatting about clothes, realised we lived close enough for an IRL coffee and became friends. It was very similar to my experience of internet dating! I know not everyone has positive experiences with finding friends or love online but I hope that our take on relationships will make you feel that the internet can be a force for good. Some of you may even belong to thriving online communities such as the Silver Tent which Francesca Cassini has created for women over 50, or love online shopping – Jacynth Bassett looks at why the over 50s are less likely to buy clothes online.

This issue of GOLDIE magazine attempts to explore how and why relationships matter from many angles but you may notice a leaning towards connections that have a fashion thread.

Alongside our relationship-themed fashion editorial, Angela Kennedy finds out how Julie Deane created a brand which fitted in with family life, Plum Bovan tells me about the family connections that go into her jewellery, Jane Jennison tells us why the bride wore red, and Annie Sherburne asks how we relate to sustainable fashion.

Due to deferring our publication date we were able to add extra pages on London Fashion Week. We sent our fashion photographers Mike Marchant and Gerald Wilhelm to LFW to see if the over40s were properly represented. What do you think…? My new friendship with Mike and Gerald has filled this issue with a tangible sense of wearing wellbeing. No, I didn’t meet them online! But I did chat to them on the street like you do when you are hanging around at Fashion Week. My other new photographer friend is Mark O’Brien, who I chatted to in my local British Red Cross whilst collecting clothes for a fashion shoot; more chance connections, you really never know where you will find your next new relationship!

Our original intention was to find contributors over 40 for GOLDIE magazine ® - we made Nicola Greenbrook wait until her fortieth birthday to write for us - but we have relaxed our ideas as we now understand that this conversation about ageing is an intergenerational affair. Younger people are enjoying our take on life after 40 and the stories we share are helping them to feel less fearful of ageing. We don’t have a fixed attitude here, we are more than happy to adapt and explore the life as it pans out. Life is too short to impose rigid patterns; going with the flow is more fun and provides us with new relationships where ever we go. So thank you for joining us on the ride and as ever let us know your views.

And last but not lost least we squeezed in an Interview with Tin Yip ahead of the Cloud Show at the Southbank Centre, London. So, all in all, it was fortuitous that we had to slow down. Lesson learnt. Age doesn’t stop us paying heed to the universe.

Much LOVE Rebecca

Art Director: Weef weef@goldiemediagroup.co.uk

Cover: Mike Marchant Model: Karen Arthur Clothes: British Red Cross facebook.com/thegoldiecrew twitter.com/goldiemediauk instagram.com/goldie_magazine goldiemag.co.uk GOLDIE magazine | 9

SCRITTI PERSONALI

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Trick of the

Tom Morley discovers personal development is a more creative force than the confines of the conference hall suggest

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was one of 25 people standing shoulder-to-shoulder in an art gallery. It was 1999. Three metres away, opposite me, was another line of 25 people. We were encouraged to breathe and look at the person directly opposite. It was a bit embarrassing, to be honest. The one saving grace was that we were fifty strangers.

I’d noticed her on the first day, when I signed up. This mysterious woman shining brightly while the rest of the crowd blended into the background. We were invited to get involved in various interactions on Friday and Saturday. I steered well clear of her and worked with duller, safer people. Why? I had an inkling that when the deeper connections came on Sunday, the lead artist would say, “Choose someone you haven’t worked with yet”.

Sure enough, three days later and 48 people down, there she was, right in front of me. The final exercise was quite simple.

In silence we were to look into each other’s eyes for five minutes. The watchword was “surrender”.

Sounds easy, huh? It’s excruciating. But after a couple of minutes we got into a groove of tentative authenticity. As we dutifully held our gaze, something weird happened. I saw her change into an Elizabethan lady, then a jackbooted Nazi, Joan of Arc, a Broadway

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“Both VAs and PDTs are tricksters.

Their first trick is to get our attention.”

KRYSTIAN DATA

“So, how did you two get together?” star and at least ten other characters. I was faintly aware of everyone else in my peripheral vision remaining normal.

At the end of the five minutes we were invited to “complete the experience” in whatever way seemed appropriate. We walked slowly towards each other, reached out both hands, and I heard myself say, “You’re beautiful”. She replied “So are you”.

It took several months of circling around each other, but we finally got together under the London fireworks on New Year’s Eve. We partied like it was 1999. In the morning we had a whole new century ahead of us.

I know for a fact we wouldn’t have stayed together if we hadn’t learned to use some crucial tools in that gallery. We learned how process triggered anger, resentment and daily outrage. We’re both headstrong characters but we began our relationship equipped with the knowledge of how to get back to our natural state of compassion, love and empathy, fast.

“Wow, what gallery was this, and who were the artists? It sounds amazing.”

Did I say gallery? I meant conference hall. Did I say artists? I meant personal development trainers. I keep getting them mixed up. I’ll tell you why.

Visual Artists (VAs) want us to question the way we look at the world. Leaving our bags in the cloakroom, we accept their invitation to step out of the rat race and walk through the gallery door. Here we’re free to stop, think and feel. Via their exhibitions, installations and ‘happenings’, spirit is made tangible. Our hearts wake up to our true potential. We’re transformed.

Personal Development Trainers (PDTs) want us to question the way we live in the world. Taking our baggage firmly in with us, we accept their invitation to step out of the rat race and through the training room door. Here we’re free to stop, think and feel.

Via their processes, peer support, and 21st century rituals, spirit is made tangible. Our hearts wake up to our true potential. We’re transformed.

Personal development seminars should be recognised as new artists because they achieve so much of what modern artists claim they want their work to do. I’m serious.

“I read all the art magazines and no one else is saying this. How many coffees have you had?”

Three. Let me be brief. I was an art student in Leeds in the late 70s. The Situationist, Jeff Nuttall, was one of my tutors. I was always more interested in “happenings” than making art objects. Consequently,

having tried to bring about change through all sorts of artistic and musical events for 20 years, I was stopped in my tracks when, at the age of forty two, I discovered personal development courses. PDTs were quietly and methodically doing what VAs have been striving to do for decades. Stepping out of your comfort zone is counter-intuitive.

Nobody does it voluntarily, however open they claim to be. The paradox of taking risks is that people will only do it if they feel safe.

Or they’ve been tricked.

Both VAs and PDTs are tricksters. Their first trick is to get our attention. After all, you don’t need what they’re selling. Your life is fine without it, just a bit dull, repetitive and boring.

VA Pamela Wilson says, “Visual art is a conversation. I don’t mean necessarily a communication in the sense of full conveyance of a complete thought, but a series of half-thoughts, comments, questions, love and humour. Paper aeroplanes flying here and there with notes on them… I want to take the viewer for a ride, an escape, a visual retreat, an unusual vacation, a short trip, a journey away”.

PDT Dawn Ellis says, “Personal Development is a conversation. I don’t mean everyday chit-chat, but an interaction designed to tease out and shine light on our individual essence. In my work we do battle with inner and outer limitations. I like to take people on a journey back to their authentic selves. Imagine a world where men and women make heartfelt decisions based on their true purposes rather than a subterranean tangle of fears and projections. When I’ve finished with them they do. They come home.”

“Escapism. Coming home. Are you sure they have the same goals? I love Pamela Wilson’s paintings. The art world never mentions Dawn Ellis though.”

Escapism has allowed Donald Trump to be elected and Brexit to happen. If we don’t all come home soon there will be no home to come home to. Dawn Ellis may currently be unrecognised by the art world but her achievements and the achievements of her peers are big. Her Wild Twin courses are secretly transforming people worldwide and she’s one of the most accomplished new artists of our time. Oh yeah, and she took the risk of marrying me in 2005; we facilitate it together.

Waiter, another coffee please. What was the question again? ¢ tom@tommorley.com www.tommorley.com/wildtwin GOLDIE magazine | 11

TIM and LILI

journey to the Cloud THE GOLDIE

INTERVIEW

Rebecca Weef Smith tried her best to get on board Tim Yip’s wave from the ocean to the sky but worries she may have missed the boat PICTURES BY MIKE MARCHANT

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im Yip is best known for his BAFTA and Academy Award-winning costume designs, most notably for Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. At this year’s China Changing Festival at Southbank Centre, Tim produced Cloud, a multi-disciplinary fashion event comprising video, a Big LILI art installation, upcycling workshops and a live showcase of 25 new costumes inspired by the creative energy of

east London.

I interviewed Tim to find out what Cloud was all about.

At the start of the project, Tim asked 50 London teenagers how they saw themselves and how they imagined the world in 1000 years.

He got their opinions on some pretty serious topics and listened to their views with equal regard; what became clear was their concern for the world that was deep, even spiritual. These young people seemed very concerned about rubbish, and plastic and the state of the ocean. “These kids are ‘proper global’; their shared experiences are about all of us. They talked in a way I didn’t expect, with mature minds; they were curious and questioning. I think we overlook young people because we aren’t asking the right questions.”

Clearly impressed with the thoughtfulness that they displayed when u

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“LILI reflects from above, through time and space.

She travels inside and outside our time“ u grappling with such big questions, Tim took the words and concepts that the young people had communicated and relayed those ideas to young east London fashion designers.

“You create things with relationships and energy. I gave the designers a story and I wanted them to treat the material with directness and integrity. I gave them a place where they didn’t have to have any commercial consideration. I wanted them to let go, to have a clear energy and an escape from the commercial world. I love the craft of making and I wanted to give the designers something true and real for them without the need to filter.”

But is it possible to make a living if we see fashion as an expression of our soul?

“When you get to be a well-known designer, you are under pressure – society doesn’t want your art unless it generates a profit. So yes, there is a conflict. But you can’t let it be too rational, or you lose your soul, which is what you have in your art. We all need to put our soul inside of what we do. We are obsessed with tidying it all away but we need not be afraid of the mess. We can become enough for ourselves when we renew, not just recycle. Money is too important to everyone; we need to return to energy.”

I think I may be getting a connection here: Sustainability is as much about our own personal renewable energy, or life force, as it is 14 | GOLDIE magazine

about recycling the materials we use.

Waste fabrics, vintage clothing, plastic, latex, papers, metal, coke cans, mobile phones, garbage, wigs, plants, and special techniques for felting human and dog hair, have all been combined to convey the ‘message’ in Cloud. A message which culminated in a fashion show of the costumes on Sunday 7 October in Royal Festival Hall’s Clore Ballroom.

Interviewing Tim Yip felt a bit like being in therapy. Seated alongside him was LILI and her presence was disconcerting. I found myself waiting for her to chip in with answers; Tim is careful and considered, leaving spaces that I wanted someone to fill. I found I was willing LILI to help me out. But LILI is an inanimate object, an art work that Tim has created. “LILI reflects from above, through time and space. She travels inside and outside our time. As all humans live on a miraculous reflection. I started to write a novel years ago in which there is a character with a special hairstyle. It started from the middle of the forehead and opened to two sides of her beautiful face.

Long black hair. I can recognise all her details. When I decided to create a non-existent human to start my time and space travel, I felt she might be the one.”

So is LILI a receptacle for the art of emotions? “I wanted to create a universal human being. I am not a concept person; I like connections,

so 10 years ago I wanted to try to make a sculpture to connect to others.”

When LILI travels with Tim and his team she dresses to fit in with the geography. “I want to put her in to the physical realm so that she disappears and becomes timeless. So when in Japan she will be a Geisha, or here in London she is dressed like this to blend and fit in.”

She is part theatre, an actress who is a vessel for feelings. Tim shows me a piece of film where LILI is crying and I am moved. I am connected with my own sadness. I get the sense that Tim is testing me.

I want to confess to LILI that I feel way out of my depth. I’m pretty sure she would understand and be more than capable of carrying all the years of fears I have about not being clever enough that this encounter with Tim is bringing up in waves. I may be feeling completely lost and vulnerable but Tim is calm and contained.

“I document the places LILI inhabits and she becomes the key.

I will have millions of pictures and that will become reality. She is helping me to explore many things I didn’t know before.”

I really wish she would help me too. Please can we talk about costume design so I am back on safe ground? I feel compelled to ask how much this idea of art and spiritual connection connect to Tim’s other work.

“I think that is in everything I do – As I have matured that is more

visible in my work – LILI gave me an explosion in my mind. When you are making a costume you can’t explain the changes you are compelled to make, but intuitively you feel you have to do something.

I don’t start anything with a fixed end point, I let it happen, I want to explore without imposing. I don’t have any answers” Nor me, and I don’t even think I have any questions which would do justice to Tim’s way of thinking. So I fall back on asking him the questions he asked the teenagers for the Cloud project, starting with how he sees himself.

“I’m boring, but I try not to be. I feel a little bit boring; it is my speciality to be both boring and different. I try to be bad. I’m planning to be.”

How does he see the world in 1000 years?

“It will be the same. Time and space don’t differ. Money is the same. The secret is to work out why did this thing happen? Why did this bother you? Why did this make you feel important? If you love people without needing to be loved back, this is timeless. I love you whenever and whatever. Time doesn’t matter then. We are the living works of our souls.”

I came away from chatting to Tim Yip smiling. I may not have had a clue how to convey his complex imagination but I feel that LILI and I made a true connection. ¢ GOLDIE magazine | 15

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The search for Mr Kangol Mark O’Brien has been shooting at the Notting Hill carnival for over twenty years

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oughly twenty years ago, I attended Notting Hill Carnival for the first time. I wasn’t long in London and was unfamiliar with the event, the location and the culture behind carnival. It was exhilarating. I loved it.

It was cheek by jowl, noisy, claustrophobic, scary, joyous and life-affirming. I carried my camera, but was inexperienced and unsure about aiming the lens at strangers.

At one point I shinnied up a lamp post to get a better view and avoid the crush of people below me. I scanned the crowd and picked out an elegant, older black man, wearing cream, Kangol sunglasses. They had rectangular lenses and a superglued crack in the frame.

The resulting picture was a little out of focus but the image, for me, represented an epitome of “cool” (when “cool” was a thing). He rocked those sunglasses and had probably been rocking them since the 70s. The picture went up on my wall and stayed there for maybe a decade. At some point in my various relocations since I lost the image and the negatives. So it’s unlikely I will see Mr Kangol again.

Now, it would be perfect if I could bring the story full circle and say I returned to carnival and spotted, amongst the two million people, a familiar face and the superglued crack from twenty years past. Sadly - no. But every year I do see his descendants and for all the increase in attendees and decrease in clothing, I am still drawn to elegant faces and moments of stillness amidst the mayhem that is carnival.

These days, the parade can appear an inexorable force, a swelling sea of humanity, propelled by feathers, flesh, rum and sound machines.

Moving with the swell, however, means you are always photographing the same people; standing at the side means nobody looks at you; far better is to leap in, face the crowd and let the sea flow over you, happy in the knowledge you may drown, shooting portraits as they pass. ¢ These images represent a tiny portion of Mark’s carnival pictures taken over recent years.

To see more go to www.markjosephanthony.myportfolio.com.

To hear him talk about shooting carnival, subscribe to his regular podcast “PhotoChilli” on itunes or similar android app.

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A Model Artist Corrine Charton abandoned art for modelling until she was gripped once again by the Muse and started to paint…

tockholm has the most avant-garde and innovative art space in Europe: The Moderna Museet is a government organisation with national responsibility for collecting, preserving and exhibiting modern and contemporary art. I was introduced to art at a very young age. My Swedish stepdad had stopped making art when he married my mother, but viewing art was never off the menu. In the mid 1970s, he collapsed in Stockholm city centre and after this he decided that life was too fragile for him not to pursue his love of art making. I think I may have taken this view to heart.

The most memorable art from my childhood was Hon – en katedral, a giant sculpture of a reclining woman. I remember entering her cavernous body through a Portal between her legs, a “door sized vaginal opening”. It was very dark inside; I went up a staircase leading to a platform in her very pregnant belly. I do recall other artists from my childhood in Sweden - Dali, Max Ernst, Luciano Fontana, Albrecht Dürer, Anders Zorn and Robert Raushenberg – but the Niki de Saint Phalle experience remains imprinted.

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By 1971, I was bored with Sweden. I applied to art colleges in the UK and France - I was accepted at Central Saint Martins and Glasgow School of Art – but my mother insisted I take up an offer from the Art School in Clermont Ferrand. I had a lot of fun there, discovered a region of France I did not know and returned to Sweden in 1973. Once back I was soon “discovered” by two influential individuals in the fashion industry. And that was pretty much me giving my art making a very long break. I had a blast working as a model in Europe, Japan and the UK, where I choose to settle in 1982.

Skip to 1990. My daughter was at school so I enrolled for a life drawing class. And that was it…. I was back! In 1997 I applied again to Central Saint Martin’s and was accepted on the spot. It was during my time at CSM that I realised how ageist the art world was. This came as a big surprise; during my modelling years, nobody had asked my age; as long as I looked the part and fitted the clothes, there was no question of how old I was!

There was no ageism on the course itself, but most of the competitions I wanted to enter in order to show my work had an upper age limit - usually 30-40 years. It felt like women were more excluded by this than men; women often entered, or re-entered, education after 40 when their children had grown up. Much of the writing on recent graduates focused on the word young; during my BA years it u

Left, My dumb-ass ex is on a “love detox” to get over me, or so he says.

This page, Fashion editorial early 80’s

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u was impossible to avoid mentioning the YBA artists - Damian Hirst, Sarah Lucas, Fiona Rae and Gillian Wearing etc. - who had graduated from Goldmiths and whose “fame” went stratospheric after “Sensation” was exhibited at the RA in 1997. By the time of the exhibition, most included were still in their early-to-mid 30s.

I did, and still do, get great pleasure and inspirations from some of these (then) young artists, but what irked me is how others, like Rose Wylie - born 1934 and graduated from the RCA 1981 - went completely under the radar. Until 2007, The BP portrait prize had an upper limit of 40 years old; once that rule was scrapped, the prize was awarded to the 59-year-old Paul Emsley. When the Turner prize removed its upper age limit last year, Lubaina Himid, aged 63, won.

Competitions aside, I was lucky. On graduating from CSM in 2013, I was offered a residency at the Muse Gallery on Portobello Road. This was on the basis of my work; they hadn’t met me. Would it have been different if they had have seen my advanced years?

Following my residency, another gallery approached me after seeing my paintings and not me. Whenever I didn’t mention my age, things went well. This wasn’t always possible, but at least I had a chance.

I choose to do a MFA at Middlesex University where I was encouraged to pursue my interest in video art. It suits me to have two diverse practises as I can get very restrictive in my painting; technique takes over and that is something I do not want my work to be about. On some level, my paintings and video work could be viewed as dichotomous.

In my painting practice I take “total” control; the sitter presence doesn’t interfere as my paintings are sourced from printed images.

The subjects in my video work are very much around; attempting to control them would probably be futile and possibly detrimental to my practice.

I am not interested in making my paintings look like the images I use as a source; instead, I am attempting a dialogue by investigating 26 | GOLDIE magazine

Top left, Comme des Garcons 1980, Tokyo.

Main picture, I’m tired of all this.

Top, “When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.”

Bottom, In honour of a good book

how paintings function as cultural objects.

My aim is to tentatively reveal a process where the emphasis is on the application of the paint. In the “un-finishedness” of my paintings, I attempt to explore notions concerning completion of a piece, in finding a connection between them, and paintings that would be classified as abstract, I hope to discover more: art should be about more than something you can be good at by practicing a lot. It should be about conveying something, evoking emotions… like the emotions I still feel when I recall Hon – en katedral. ¢ corinnecharton.com/

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A very elegant marriage Kathy and Derek Keefe have been married for 42 years. A love of fashion has always played a central role in their relationship Rebecca Weef Smith visited them at home in Kent to peak into their wardrobes and learn the secrets of their successful partnership

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hen I was little I was always in awe of beautiful couples who shared great style. I imagined growing up and having a handsome husband who would help me shop. Call me shallow (you won’t be the first) but I can’t envisage being in a relationship with someone who didn’t love fashion.

And it seems others may well agree with my values: there is a definite Instagram trend for couples with matching outfits, and pairs of ‘Pitti-Peacocks’ have been widely spotted at this season’s Fashion Weeks. Having a complementary sartorial partner is a thing.

Is this more than a surface-style affectation?

Could a love of dressing up be the secret to long-lasting love? I know of a few long marriages where both parties have turned their love of clothes into an integral extension of their bond. In order to test my theory, I went to meet the most stylish example I know of fashioning a positive relationship.

Kathy and Derek have been together for 42 years and still dress for a romantic dinner every Saturday night. They look totally amazing and so together, both in the matching outfit sense and with a deep connection of caring for each other. Derek is deaf and Kathy chats for both of them. Whilst Derek cooked lunch Kathy explained how fashion plays a major role in their marriage.

“Our whole married life, we have set aside one evening a week for each other; when our daughters were little they knew that Saturday night was Mum and Dad time.

Once they were in bed there was no coming down! Derek would cook, and set the table with candles; I would come down dressed in something special, to be handed a glass of wine by my gorgeous husband in his dinner jacket.”

Sitting in Kathy and Derek’s home of carefully curated objects, many of which can be worn, I can easily picture the scene. Kathy makes hats which are works of art, but really there is nothing that doesn’t get turned into a thing of beauty when it comes into their hands.

When Kathy takes me upstairs to show me their wardrobes, it is as if I have been allowed into the archives of a costume museum. They have outfits for every conceivable situation.

But in Kathy and Derek’s hands, this doesn’t feel sentimental or nostalgic. Although their

dress sense is fundamentally vintage, it comes across as a very modern way to dress.

They aren’t wedded to one era; they mix it all up and produce a way of dressing that takes the past and transforms it into a forwardthinking approach.

“We love the style of the thirties and forties, not just our clothes but the way our home looks. When we first moved into this cottage we had no money at all. We’d moved from London and it was slow going trying to build a home. We were travelling back to London every day to work and the house

“We have always met life head-on” was a bit of a building site, but we still had Saturday night dinner parties. Once you have lit a few candles even the dust looks romantic.”

This is how they shape not just their wardrobes but their life. They specialise in taking an unloved cast-off and remaking it to give it new life. Clothes, furniture, any ‘oldtat’, become magical when they have been given the artistic attention of Mr and Mrs Keefe.

“We have always met life head-on. I think we are both optimists. When Derek fell from a building at work and suffered life-changing injuries, I was just pleased that most of the

building work at home was finished! I had to take care of our two young daughters. There have times when we have been hanging on by a thread, but you need to choose to make the most of every day. So we get up and get dressed to enjoy it. We dress for ourselves and each other. This isn’t saved for special occasions. This is how we are on a daily basis.

It always has been. We were both working for the same firm when we met and Derek caught my eye because of his snappy dress style. We have always encouraged each other to put on our best clothes and be our best. It’s just what we do.”

When Kathy and Derek celebrated their Ruby wedding anniversary they decided to renew their vows but did so very quietly, in the local church on a regular Sunday. It was just for them. “Of course we got dressed up but we wanted to be utterly selfish. I had seen a dress in Demelza’s (one of Kathy’s favourite second hand-haunts in Rochester) and although at the time I hadn’t any occasion planned that I could wear it for, Derek encouraged me to buy it. Then when it came to our anniversary it was just the right thing to wear.”

As an anniversary present, they treated themselves to a romantic trip to David Carter’s London Hotel 40Winks. “We knew we would be able to dress up at 40winks without anyone raising an eye. Not that we care. Derek loves to see me dressed up and I love to see him appreciate me. I want him to always look at me and think how lucky u GOLDIE magazine | 31

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u he is. Because that’s how I feel about him.

Of course, we get on each other’s nerves at times, but we get over it pretty quickly. We know that come a Saturday night we will get dressed just for each other. And getting undressed is equally as important…”

Kathy and Derek have been through a great deal of adversity but decided long ago that even the toughest of challenges could be overcome if they put on their best. Just a few weeks ago Derek once again had a major

“We dress for ourselves and each other. This isn’t saved for special occasions”

medical concern and was in hospital for heart surgery. Even though Kathy was also staying at the hospital she didn’t change her routine; every day she put on her makeup, did her hair and dressed in an outfit. Within a short time Derek was back to his suave self and they can both be seen in their full sartorial brilliance on jaunts close to home in Kent. Nothing can stop this very elegant married couple from living the good life and wearing their love together. ¢ GOLDIE magazine | 33

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Our wedding.

Our way

TONI HARRISON, WESTON STUDIOS

Wh pro en M afteposedichele las r 28 y to heSwal tradt thingears r par es dre ition on htogethtner dis sses”al “fluer miner, th youcover weddffy me d wa e you not aed tha ing. S ringus a kno wan lway t not he soe w w t, yo s ge only on hat u do t wh can you n’t at wa alwa nt e ys ithe r

GOLDIE magazine | 35

I

t all started last October with the least romantic proposal in history. I took the hand of the woman I’ve loved for 28 years, looked deep into her eyes and said: “Please will you marry me? I love you so very much, it would make me so happy to be your wife and, to be honest love, at your age, if you are hanging on for a better offer, I ain’t being funny but I think I’m about as good as it’s gonna get.”

Who could say no to such eloquence? Reader, she said yes.

Can I say at this point that Mandy and I have been together for 28, generally rather happy years, since exchanging rings at midnight on a bridge in Paris one summer’s evening.

It was romantic, moving and was as close as a gay couple could get to a ceremony back in 1990.

Don’t think for a second that we didn’t think about marriage after our very private vows. Our standard declaration of love was: “I’d marry you if I could”. We said it to each other, a lot, until civil partnerships came along. Then we went VERY quiet.

I don’t know whether it all became a tad too real or whether it was because a civil partnership was neither one thing nor the other; it was a legal “bit in the middle”.

Suffice to say it was decided that a civil partnership wasn’t right for us. What would it change about our life together? And what difference would a piece of paper make anyway?

Then 2014 happened. Gay marriage. That was, for me, a bit of a game changer, but not for Mandy.

I broached the subject; I asked a few times - purely in an abstract way, you understand - and over time she started to make a few not too disinterested noises. I was hopeful. There was a plan hatched to sneak away with a couple of friends, “do it” and tell no one but then, after my big romantic speech she did something utterly unexpected.

She told people. To be exact, she told the members of her family that have been teasing her for years for not making “an honest woman” of me.

I was flabbergasted. I couldn’t believe it.

There was much clapping and jolliness but what we didn’t realize was that it was also going to open the door on a string of events that took us both completely by surprise.

The great proposal revelation happened at a funeral last December, when it was also decided by a small group of “cousins” that we should all get together “in the new year” and swap family photographs, which we did. We had a joyous couple of hours together in January and we had such a jolly time we decided to do it again in February, where the cousins announced that, as it was about time Mandy and I “tied the knot” and to make sure we “got on and did it” they’d formed a committee to get us wed.

One cousin offered her beautiful garden in the middle of a magical wood (with off-road parking) as the party venue; another offered tables and catering extras and the third said she would just love to be our wedding planner. Then they all got their diaries out and started putting suitable dates forward for Mandy and I to marry, QUIETLY before we had a big party to celebrate in the garden in the woods.

Then it all started to spiral out of control. I had promised Mandy at the time of the proposal that we would keep the ceremony private and quiet. It would preferably be just us, two witnesses and my mum. We agreed it would not be a performance: no guests, no cake, no flowers and no matching fluffy meringue dresses.

The only thing I can say in mitigation of what followed is that we didn’t have the fluffy dresses. But what we did have was far from quiet, intimate and private.

The committee started to ask endless questions about colour schemes and themes for the party. The “happy couple” started to resemble rabbits in the headlights. It was just like planning a wedding and everything. And then the committee told us that they’d just HAVE to be there for the ceremony. Friends started to make noises that just

coming to the party would be “okay, we understand if you want to keep the wedding small but we’d really love to be there with you,” and it started to grow. More “traditional” wedding questions were asked.

I talked things through with my mum and we listed all the weddings we’d been to and decided we ought to invite cousins as well as uncles and aunts. Before long we had a guest list of 30.

Gulp, we were going to need a proper wedding venue.

Luckily, we found a single slot at our local old town hall, across a square from a very nice hotel, so we settled on: “just us”, mum, witnesses and 30 close friends and family. Then it was back to the hotel for a glass of fizz and nibbles on a Sunday afternoon in July.

Okay, do-able and not too daunting.

While we were hatching these plans throughout April and May, the committee went into party planning mode for what was fast becoming a mini festival in the woods. Portable loos were ordered, a band was booked, an ice cream van hired and hog roast ordered. Mandy and I started the biggest booze-buying project you could imagine to suitably water 100 people of all ages.

I don’t know at what stage we gave up the fight to stop the whole thing turning into a wedding. It was probably about mid-May. By this point the ceremony “wedding party” was us, witnesses, my mum – who we asked to walk us both us the aisle – and my friend’s 20-monthold granddaughter as a flower girl - the perfect diversion during the ceremony and take the pressure off of us as, by this point, we were getting edgy.

I’m going to share the blame for the escalation with Mandy as I came in one evening and she uttered the words that every couple learns to dread hearing from their dearly beloved: “I’ve been thinking”.

What she’d been thinking was that it would be nice to involve the young. So we added two flower girls and a ring bearer and the guest list really started to grow.

Then we just made sure that our 19-year-old niece really didn’t want to be involved…as she’d previously said “Oh God, no”. I thought it was a safe bet to “just make sure”. What a fool. She’d changed her mind.

We were now at four flower girls and a ring bearer. And still the guest list grew.

Then we couldn’t leave out Pete and Tom… So four flower girls, a ring bearer and two ushers, plus flowers, two photographers, a cake, a posh car and a family friend who wanted to perform at the ceremony. Still the guest list grew. No one said no! We couldn’t believe it. Friends that live in Europe booked flights just to be there.

When the “big day” dawned, on 22nd July, Mandy and I didn’t have what we’d planned. It wasn’t “just us”. We stood before 70 people and said our vows, looking at all of our guests’ smiling faces, listening to them applauding us as we were covered in confetti, grinning like idiots for the cameras…and absolutely bloody loved it!

It was a joyful day that everyone wanted to be part of. It wasn’t a massive statement of equality; it was a big fat traditional wedding that just happened to be between two women. ¢

“Getting married has been the single, most liberating experience of my life”

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PS. The party was an absolute smash. Despite the heat wave deciding to end on the actual day of the party we danced in the rain, the children ate ice cream, played hook a duck, the grown ups propped up the bar, ate and danced to my friend’s band. The committee worked their collective socks off, people donated their time and energy into our celebrations. It was immensely humbling.

PPS. We’ve been married for more than a month and is there any difference? No, not really, but getting married has been the singular, most liberating experience of my life…but that’s probably a whole other story.

GOLDIE magazine | 37

TONI HARRISON, WESTON STUDIOS

Shades of LOVE... once in a while right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale PICTURES BY GERALD WILHELM AND MIKE MARCHANT

Styling: Rebecca Weef Smith Second-hand event dresing with a totally fabulous cast of extraordinary GOLDIE friends Location: Piazza della Cucina 38 | GOLDIE magazine

Annie: Burgundy ballgown & hat model’s own charity shop finds.

Handsome Chap: Suit - British Red Cross, London SE23

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LEFT Patricia: model’s own dress. Vintage velvet maxi coat from a selection at GIGI’s Dressing Room, Wood St, E17 RIGHT Karen: full length fuschia dress and tuxedo from British Red Cross, London SE23.

Hat and necklace stylist’s own.

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Shellie wears model’s own sunglasses and vintage dress from British Red Cross,London SE23.

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LEFT Henrietta: full length Gold dress and red quilted jacket from British Red Cross, London SE23.

Bangle and necklace stylist’s box.

RIGHT Gill: white dress shirt from British Red Cross, London SE23.

Skirt model’s own.

Beads Stylist’s box.

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LEFT Gary: vintage wool trousers (part of a suit).

Shellie: 1980s cream silk wedding dress both from British Red Cross, London SE23.

RIGHT Chrissie: Silk jersey dress and hat from British Red Cross, London SE23.

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LEFT Henrietta: Cream silk jacket (part of a suit) and hat from British Red Cross, London SE23.

RIGHT Julie: 1980s tafeta dress from British Red Cross, London SE23.

Hat, bangles and beads Stylist’s box.

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Zoe: Turquoise silk jacket and gold beaded top from British Red Cross, London SE23.

Floral maxi skirt from GIGI’s Dressing Room, Wood St, E17.

Bangles and beads Stylist’s box.

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Julie: 1960s daydress from a selection at GIGI’s Dressing Room, Wood St, E17.

Hat from British Red Cross, London SE23.

Handbag model’s own

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Gill: skirt, top and hat made by Gill.

Cakes made by Stylist 50 | GOLDIE magazine

Patricia: Green silk dress from British Red Cross, London SE23.

Fur jacket as cape, stylist’s own.

Necklace from GIGI’s Dressing Room, Wood St, E17.

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Thank you to all the models, the staff at Piazza Della Cucina and Robbie from Brtish Red Cross

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Sabrina Cadini is an award-winning wedding planner based in San Diego, California. She is the founder and creative director of La Dolce Idea Weddings & Soirees, and holds certifications in green wedding planning and same-sex wedding planning

STYLE:

Many weddings for older couples are less extravagant and less traditional; the entire day is a relaxed party among good friends. A lot of the customary events - bridesmaids and groomsmen at the ceremony, a grand entrance at the reception, cake cutting, and a bouquet toss - are not included.

Often that’s because this reminds brides or grooms of a previous wedding where they followed the traditions. Instead, the order of events is very relaxed, though I have noticed that the first dance is definitely a big highlight of the reception.

CHILDREN:

Very often, the couples I see have kids from previous marriages and it’s always a nice touch to assign special roles to them depending on their age.

These could include: escorting their mother or father down the aisle; being a ring bearer, flower girl or reader at the ceremony; being part of the wedding vows, or giving a speech at the reception.

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VENUES:

Many of my clients opt for smaller spaces with an intimate atmosphere (they don’t often have a large crowd attending).

Several of my past couples have selected a restaurant where they have been going for years as it holds special memories of their relationship journey.

DRESS CODE:

Mostly evening wear. Many couples treat their wedding as a fun party to celebrate their union. Long gowns or flirty cocktail dresses for the brides (depending on the formality), but definitely something that can be worn again.

CATERING:

I see more dishes from a couple’s travels around the world together, a lot of ethnic food, and a lot of options with dietary restrictions. Again, informality in food with a relaxed attitude; there seems to be a nice trend for families contributing dishes. One of my couples had their

family bake different pies for the wedding day and they all tasted amazing!

DESSERTS:

A traditional cake is not always the first choice; cupcakes or a dessert table are the most common alternatives.

MUSIC:

I have noticed a real trend for live music as opposed to a DJ, often with the band being made up of friends.

GIFTS:

Older couples don’t usually ask for gifts since they are likely to be joining two households together, and may already have everything they need.

They often ask the guests to make donations to a particular charity organization that has a special meaning to them. One of my past brides asked her guests to donate to the Alzheimer’s Foundation because her previous husband had died from it. ¢

MARC A SPORYS

Everything you need to know for a stress-free over-50s wedding

DYLAN NOLTE

TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL SPECIAL DAY

3

Hire a professional planner! Even the most intimate wedding can become overwhelming, especially if you work full time and you have a blended family with kids. Weddings can also be expensive and a local planner can keep everything on track, recommendingideas and solutions that reflect your personalities and needs (and budget), and allowing you to enjoy the wedding day without having to worry about the details.

Include your children, stepchildren, and grandchildren. Getting married after 50 could mean having larger families, and your wedding day should go beyond just the two of you. Assign different roles to each of them at the ceremony and at the reception.

incorporate details that express their creativity, their tastes, their unique personalities and their heritage.

5

At the same time, you shouldn’t feel forced to follow wedding traditions; it will be your day and, as such, you should put your feelings first. Just include those that make sense to you and your spouse.

4

Don’t limit your dreams!

Sometimes, when I plan older couples’ weddings, I hear them saying, “Maybe we should not do that, we’re not a young couple anymore...” If your vision includes a choreographed grand entrance for you and your spouse, an extravagant Champagne tower during cocktail hour, or a cruise ship celebration, just do it and have fun with your guests! The more personalised your wedding is, the more memorable it will be for your guests. I love when my couples are willing to

JAMES BOLD

Enjoy every single minute of your day. Many couples get so distracted by the event production that they completely forget to focus on the most important thing (and the reason why they are there to celebrate with family and friends): getting married to each other.

Try to keep the wedding day within 6-8 hours in total, and be mindful of the needs of your guests, many of whom might be older and not willing to spend an entire day cheering, dancing and drinking. It can be tiring for your guests. Also, make sure that the wedding venue has lifts or is easily accessible if you expect guests in a wheelchair or with knee problems, for instance. ¢

ANNIE PRATT

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ALISA ANTON

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SARTORIAL STORIES

DICKENS PHOTOGRAPHY, BEDFORD

The bride wore red Jane Jennison shunned tradition for her church wedding. Does what her choice said then still apply 25 years on?

T

wenty-five years ago, I walked down the aisle on my father’s arm, worried that my dress was tucked into my knickers and that I was grinning like a loon. Fortunately, my husband-to-be was not concerned about either of these. I cannot comment on his underwear, but I can tell you he was grinning as much as me.

I was wearing a deep-red dress, cotton and loose fitting. Andrew and I married in church. This was important to me; to make my promises to him publicly and to feel “grounded” in my church family, as well as my “family of origin”, friends, and in-laws.

I had been part of the church for some time, so they knew and accepted me, with my funny hair and strange clothes. But I wanted to look “smart” for our wedding. However, I had no idea what a “smart” Jane looked like! There was a wedding dress shop in town, and I spent some time in there, rapidly realising that white, cream, and traditional were not for me. I decided to go through my wardrobe and identify what my most often worn colour was. It was no surprise that it was black. I felt it would be seen as a “statement” rather than accurate representation, so I looked at my second choice: plum. I couldn’t find anything I liked, so my friend offered her sister’s services as dressmaker. I accepted! In return for a decent bottle of red wine, and £15-worth of fabric, she made my dress for me.

What did all this say about me? Not comfortable in a dress, for starters! Looking to tradition, but making it “fit”, my dad walked me down the aisle, but I did not want him to give me away. I was concerned about how to raise this with him. My dad was a “Ronseal” father – he did what it said on the tin. He was my dad: he loved me, supported me and was proud of me. His response was: “You were never mine to give”, and the vicar said: “No-one will notice!”

The dress became a concern; how was I to tell my maternal grandmother I was not wearing white? She was very conservative, and I worried she would not approve. I took a swatch of fabric to her, said, “This is the colour of my dress,” and held my breath. She paused, and replied: “That’s the colour I got married in.”

We used the traditional wedding vows, but I told the vicar, “I don’t want to say that I will ‘obey’ him”. The vicar repeated: “No-one will notice”, and this was also taken out. Again, he was right. I kept my

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name and realised that we had not even had a conversation about this.

I tentatively raised this about a week before the ceremony. Andrew said: “I never expected you to change it to mine.” Phew!

I wore Doctor Martens boots most of the time back then, and struggled to find “normal” shoes to wear with the dress. I bought the first pair of nondescript shoes that fitted, as I didn’t really care about shoes.

I proposed on the 29th of February and we married the following May. I liked to plan and prepare. We may have had a tight budget, but we also had supportive parents, and great friends. One had just started a graphic design business, so his wedding gift to us was to do the wedding invitations. Another made the cake. A third hosted an open house for the “in-between” times of the day. One came home from America a day early, then overslept and missed the ceremony (and bought us the REM back-catalogue as a wedding gift!)

Fast-forward (and it really has been fast!) 25 years, and is any of that still representative?

Andrew and I are still a partnership: I never did obey him; we work together. We have two children now, and cause confusion with their surnames; they have mine as a middle name, and Andrew’s as their last name.

I still don’t “do” dresses and do “do” churches. Our children came along, and have similar wardrobe issues; one friend said recently: “What has your daughter come as today?” I answered: “Herself!”

My dad walked by my side for many years, not just on our wedding day. He died a few years ago, and I still miss him terribly. Our family – parents, in-laws, children and friends-as-family – are still important, and a great source of love and friendship. Andrew and I have survived sickness and health, in large part because of our network.

I still look to tradition, and generally ignore it. The unwritten rules are not so much ignored as completely unnoticed. I still spend most of my time in Doctor Martens; I used to buy second hand and “seconds” from an outlet shop in my home town, which has now closed. Now, I buy new ones, and have a much more extensive collection than 25 years ago (you can read all about my Doctor Martens in the first edition of Goldie and on the website). My husband also wears them now, and we have several pairs that are the same. I am pleased to report that our children wear them too; some traditions are worth keeping. ¢

Happiness is only the cart; love is the horse ccording to Harvard Psychiatrist Dr.George Vaillant we shouldn’t underestimate the power of love, because it’s the key to happiness. Vaillant talks of the two pillars of happiness, “One is love. The other is finding a way of coping with life that does not push love away... Happiness is love. Full stop.” He came to this conclusion based on evidence from the Grant Study, one of the longest-running longitudinal studies of human development. The project, which began in 1938, has followed 268 Harvard undergraduate men for 80 years, measuring an astonishing range of psychological, anthropological, and physical traits — from personality type to IQ to drinking habits to family relationships to “hanging length of his scrotum” — in an effort to determine what factors contribute most strongly to human flourishing.

Vaillant has said that the study’s most important finding is that the only thing that matters in life are relationships. “A man could have a successful career, money and good physical health, but without supportive, loving relationships, he wouldn’t be happy.

Happiness is only the cart; love is the horse.”

Perhaps this explains why so many of us continue to look for love even after disapointments and setbacks.

There are 7.5 million single, divorced or widowed men and women in the UK aged over 50 and 73 per cent of those aged 50 to 59 have a smartphone. Data from existing dating apps shows that people over 50 prefer longer, more detailed messages and profiles and 71 per cent of over-50s on existing dating sites said that they would feel more comfortable if they knew the person they were talking to was genuine or had a verified profile. It can be a minefield out there with

online dating. When I was single for a while, after a very long previous marriage, I had no idea how to meet dates. I wasn’t looking for love, just something to do on a Saturday night. This was pre-Tinder, and the choice for me was based on newspaper readership.

I wasn’t ever going to be attracted to a Times reader (little did I know I’d end up married to someone who worked there!) so it had to be The Guardian. In fact, shopping for dates online was more interesting than most of the dates ever were. And, much like my experience of online shopping, I would end up emptying my basket before I ever got to the checkout. I soon realised that available, suitable men over 50 and under 70 formed a small pool, and most of them were looking for women under 40. Of course my story has a happy-ever-after ending as Weef and I did find each other on MySingleFriend and have been married for six years. But where would I go now if I needed to find love? Well, I don’t think Tinder would have worked for me, so when I heard about a new dating app specifically for the over-50s I wanted to know more.

Lumen is a free mobile dating app (IOS and Android) tailored to the needs and habits of the over-50s, which makes it as easy as possible to meet genuine, like-minded singles in a safe community. The app is free to join and use, and every day each member can start three new conversations with other users. This feature is designed to prevent spammy messages, and to encourage users to take time and think about whom they contact and what they say. There is also a minimum character length for ice-breaker messages on the platform to encourage meaningful conversations and help new relationships get off to the best start. Profiles are more detailed, with everyone required to provide details of who they are and what they are

looking for. And every single profile must contain at least three photos. To provide reassurance to members, and tackle one of the most common challenges with online dating, Lumen requires all users to upload a selfie, which is cross-referenced with their photos to prove they are who they say they are.

The team behind Lumen, Antoine Argouges and Charly Lester, have plenty of experience in this area. Antoine was a former product manager and head of revenue at Match.com and Charly previously worked at the Guardian as their dating editor, as well as creating The Dating Awards – industry awards for the online dating industry which focused on safety, customer service and consumer experience. They have done the research and are responding to how our age group use technology, with a specific shopping list when it comes to finding a new relationship.

Lumen may not have all the answers to our online dating dilemmas. But if I were on the lookout again – I refer to Weef as my current husband just in case he should get complacent – I would certainly prefer a dating app explicitly for single over-50s.

As Antoine says “The majority of single over-50s are tech-savvy, active, and looking for their next adventure. But this isn’t the reality we see reflected in the dating industry.

We want to provide a contemporary solution which over-50s can rely on to meet likeminded people.” Sounds as if it is worth a try if you fancy a hook up, as young people call it - although I rather prefer stepping out on a Saturday night. ¢ Lumen is available to users in the UK and can be downloaded now, free of charge, from the App Store and Google Play Store.

BEN ROSETT

A

Rebecca Weef Smith asks can a new a dating app for over-50s help us to find love?

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GREY MATTERS

What price love?

Gill Manly recounts her experience with the trials and tribulations of the world of online dating, and why she continues to use them despite being (so far) unlucky in love

I

am something of a veteran of online dating sites. Sadly, it’s not been the most delicious of experiences in the land of love. To date, I have been unsuccessful, and there are several reasons for this. In retrospect, the question I should have asked myself at the very beginning is: “what am I really looking for, and what are the criteria that are non-negotiable?”

The sites themselves fall into two initial categories, completely free or sign up freeof-charge, but pay to actually use the system.

And in general, it’s around £30 a month.

You can obviously choose from one month’s to a year’s subscription; the latter makes it cheaper in the long run, but creates the chance that you may find love before the year is up and recieve no refund! Plenty of Fish is totally free, but full of sharks, so take care there.

As with everything in this world, algorithms are in charge. They will often determine the age limit of who you can or can’t talk to, which with some sites encourages users to lie about their age, though frankly, many lie anyway. One of the constant complaints is that photographs are often very old, and when the person turns up for the date, turn out to be very much older. Women seem to be the worst offenders, so read into that what you like. One encounter I had was an example of the lack of honesty that permeates the scene.

The man turned up dressed as a woman and had forgotten to tell me. I was surprised to say the least. I asked if there was something he had forgotten to mentio; needless to say, I was rather annoyed. Had I wanted to date

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THE GOLDEN RULES ¢Don’t sign up for more than a month, or use only free sites. ¢Always use contemporary photos. ¢Be honest; you expect the same. ¢List your non-negotiables e.g. age, locations (long distance is tough, think hard about that), interests, qualities, politics - and stick to them. ¢If you hate sexting, be clear and don’t fall into that trap. You are not there to provide free sexual services.

If you like it, then go ahead. ¢If you are messaging for days on end with no hope of getting offline, then maybe all they want is a pen-friend, so be clear that you want to move on. ¢If you are instinctively feeling they are lying about things, challenge them; more times than not they will soon disappear. ¢Talk on the phone as soon as you can; if the conversation flows at that point, it’s worth meeting up. ¢For safety, exchange phone numbers only at first, meet in a public place, tell a friend what you are doing and give them the name and phone number of the person just in case. ¢Agree to meet for a brief coffee or drink for no more than one hour. Don’t go for a meal, so if you don’t get on then you have a quick get out. Nothing worse than sitting through three courses of miserable silence or awkwardness. ¢If you get as far as date two, plan something fun, a gallery or lunch. Don’t go to a cinema yet-you can’t talk there! ¢Is it going well? You should know by now. If it’s not, then be brave, end it.

Above all, and this is THE GOLDEN RULE, do not settle for second best.

Do not be grateful if someone has shown an interest; you are worth more than that. There a literally millions of single people out there just like us, so if number one, two, three, or even four doesn’t work out, it is fine, and you will also be fine.

a transvestite, then I would have chosen one.

I have encountered quite a high percentage of young men who are seeking more mature ladies. The youngest was 18…I hasten to add, I did not follow that one up. Historically, I have been attracted to men far older than myself, however I came to the realisation that meant men in their late 60s and beyond were I to follow this continuum. Could I see myself dating a great grandfather? No, not quite yet.

And on the current state pension, no hopes of travelling and gadding about (though I am prepared to be persuaded otherwise). Now, at the tender age of 57, I notice I am far more interested in my contemporaries. Men who have lived a life, with experience and selfawareness, preferably without too much baggage.

All this aside, what I have found quite surprising is the world of kink. I spill no personal beans here dear reader, but in a society that classifies less sexually experimental people as “vanilla”, I hold my hand up and declare myself that flavour.

The objectification of women is a common theme on these dating websites. And I list in no particular order the requests I have received: high heels (the higher the better), sub-dom relationships, subs who want to worship me and clean my toilet, doms who want to control me, specialist clothing and gear such as leather and PVC (too sweaty for me), stinky feet to lick, and of course the predictable bi-curious women and couples seeking threesomes. NSA (no strings attached) relationships are always on offer

“Could I see myself dating a great grandfather?

No, not quite yet.

The man turned up dressed as a woman and had forgotten to tell me”

GERALD WILHELM

with the “seeking adult fun” tagline in their profiles.

Most sites have boxes for you to tick, which should be an indication of what you do, or do not want, and it continuously amazes me that people do not read these answers. One or two sites go even further with an encyclopaedia of questions that becomes tiresome to answer.

In the world of swiping such as on Tinder and

Bumble, they look at your photos and decide purely on looks, undoubtedly.

In a digital world catering to people who can remember writing letters and posting them to Time Out or the Guardian enclosing photos, I yearn for that bygone age. Life online is text speak, in short bursts. And despite offering mobile phone numbers in the vain hope a conversation might ensue, one drifts

into a stream of WhatsApp messages, which clearly are not designed to give a feeling of personality or indeed body language. I get very bored by this and quit quickly if the other person refuses to talk voice-to-voice.

The voice can tell you so much.

My biggest bugbear is the sexting. I have made it clear in my profiles that I do not engage in perverse online chat. I made that mistake, and then found I was too embarrassed to actually meet the person; too much had been said in advance of meeting, which seemed bizarre given that we did not even know if we were physically attracted.

Lesson learned there.

Reader beware, there are many fakes, and scammers simmering in these ponds.

In fact, so many you learn to read between the lines very quickly. They steal photos of good-looking guys to create a profile that seems far too good to be true, and usually is.

A common theme is that they are religious, seeking a loyal and god-fearing wife, are recently widowed with young kids and, though living abroad, still want to start a long-distance relationship. Bingo, it’s the same every time. I find it amusing these days to start conversations with them, as within a few messages it emerges that they can barely write a sentence in English and are unable to back up their information. Should you get as far as day two in your discussions without blocking them, they will ask you to send money.

So why am I still on these sites you ask?

Simple, I am still single, and despite being a very social animal and meeting people almost daily in life, have not met that “special someone”. Is it harder because I am older; am I too picky, too quirky? I have no answer. However, I do know that I havecertain guidelines now that are nonnegotiable in my pursuit and can be applied to all of us. Call them my little book of rules; in the long run they save time, heartache and hassle. I recently saw a brilliant TEDx talk by Christina Wallace called How to stop swiping and find your person on dating apps.

She pretty much summed up how I feel about the process.

So, if you want to stop swiping and – potentially, at least - meet people that would match your needs and wants in a relationship, here are a few guidelines, I hope they help. ¢ GOLDIE magazine | 59

THE ANARCHO-DANDY

Are you ready for love Jämes Rïgby, our resident Anarcho-Dandy, gets dressed up and in the mood for a first date

I

’ve got a date! Met her on Tinder.

Swiped right and waited. Two days later, she swiped right too and there was the little flame notification on my phone “It’s a Match!” Messaged her and she messaged back an hour later. A few exchanges of rather banal pleasantries, and we set up a date. She must have been keen. Or maybe desperate.

It’s not a “half hour coffee to check each other out date”; nor a “fuck date” (although I’ve had them); but the more traditional, restaurant date. And tonight’s the night.

Check her profile, remember her name.

Helen. Claims to be 42. It could be true looking at her pictures – but then who can tell how ancient the pictures are? Guess I’ll find out for sure in an hour.

It’s seven o’clock; I should have been home at quarter past six, but there were electrical problems at Clapham Junction. The restaurant is a ten minute walk, it’s booked for eight, and so I’ve got fifty minutes.

Don’t. Panic.

Quick shower and think! Helen, that’s her name. Mustn’t get it wrong. Helen. Helen.

Helen. Right, that’s sunk in. You can’t shorten Helen can you? Except maybe to “Hels”.

Please don’t let her be a Hels. She’s Brunette, size 14 or 16 maybe. Big boobs. It’s all good.

She has kids, and so do I. That’s something we have in common. Should we talk about kids? No, unless she mentions it first.

Looking for “old-fashioned romance”.

That’s OK. Some come right out and say they want “a lifelong partner” or “a soulmate” (hate that word). No one ever says “Just sex please” – I guess they’d be even more inundated with messages from men showing their torso in their bathroom mirror if they did. Although some women do want just sex - as I’ve discovered much to my delight - I’m pretty sure she’s not that type.

What did she say about herself? Works in finance. That could mean anything. Recently

60 | GOLDIE magazine

divorced. Could be tricky; don’t want to be the rebound guy. Likes reading, films, and going out with friends. Who the fuck doesn’t?

She might as well have said she likes food, or animals. Everyone likes all these things.

Was she being deliberately vague? Is she really a man from Nigeria? Will there be a panicked message shortly about how “she” needs money urgently for some spurious reason? No, she’s definitely not one of those.

They always message men first (and they’re pretty much the only ones who do), with the opening line “Hello Dear” and a profile

“Was she being deliberately vague? Is she really a man from Nigeria?” that says something like “I am seeking for an honest hardworking God-fearing man to serve”. I’m sure Helen’s real. I think.

She’s seen three pictures of me. All in the last six months. My beard’s a bit longer now, but that’s fine. Her pictures were staged, posed, and probably taken by a professional, or at least a gifted amateur friend with a fancy camera. Some women do that. Right – all scrubbed. Time? Ten past seven.

Cut nails? No, fingers are fine. Toenails could do with a couple of millimetres off – but if things get that far, she won’t be looking at my toes anyway. Hopefully.

Routine: Ear buds. Done. Deodorant.

Done. Talc around the gentleman’s area.

Done.

Bollocks. Wipe the talc off again! Always forget that. Talc is for the daily routine, not for the date routine. Made that mistake once when things moved rather quickly. She took

one look at my white talcy junk, laughed, and said I’d be missing out on a certain *ahem* oral pleasure as a result.

Hair. Brush, tie in a ponytail; it’ll be dry enough by the time I get there. Comb beard.

Helen. Helen, Helen. Mustn’t forget her name. 42. Allegedly. Works in Finance, likes the stuff everybody likes. Has kids. Easy.

Clothes. Best underpants, not too tight, not too baggy. Socks, decent brightly-coloured ones with no holes. Pink I think!

Seven twenty. Let’s pick the colours. We already have pink socks on, so pink shirt obviously. Trousers: Brown goes with pink.

So does the right blue. But not jeans, it’s a nice restaurant. Dark blue trousers it is. Velvet jacket? Bit poncey? She’s seen my pictures, she knows I don’t dress “normally” – so I can be myself, and not dress down. Some women don’t like being “upstaged”; she’s not one of those. I don’t think so anyway. Best not to fake anything, and just dress how I always do.

Neckwear! Bowtie? Nope – probably a bit too formal. Cravat? Ooh yes! The yellow paisley one.

Seven thirty five. Plenty of time.

Shoes. Boots. What’s looks clean? Can’t bear boots with laces. Ideally not shoes with laces either. If things move quickly, we won’t want the passionate moment spoiled by me asking for a forty-five second break while I undo my laces and try to extract my feet from my footwear. Zip up boots! Easy on, easy off.

Watch. Phone. Wallet. Clear old receipts and other junk from wallet. Two cards, and twenty, forty, fifty, fifty-five pounds in cash.

That’ll be plenty. I’ll put the restaurant bill on a card. I’ll need to suss out early on if she expects to split the bill. Highly unlikely.

It’s usually the person who does the asking out that pays, and she said she wanted “oldfashioned romance” – there are few things more old-fashioned that the gentleman picking up the bill. As usual, being a

PICTURE CREDIT

gentleman, I’ll be opening doors in the restaurant and on any taxi we might take to hers for “coffee”.

Right. Is that everything? Restaurant booked. Clean and dressed, wallet, money and other stuff sorted. All sorted.

Ah! The eternal issue. Condoms. We’re both over forty; one of us is over fifty. That doesn’t mean everything is risk free. She’s recently divorced, and I get the impression that I’m her first first date in maybe twenty years. What about pregnancy? She’s 42 so it’s far from impossible. But she seems sensible enough in our brief chats online. I’ll play it by ear. Take a couple from the box in case she or I determine it’s necessary.

I don’t envy women on online dating sites.

It’s a very competitive marketplace. Women my age are generally looking for men my age. Men my age are generally looking for women ten or even twenty years younger. A lot of men are looking for just sex and pester every women they encounter with dick pics and graphic descriptions of things they’d like to do. Having said that, the men have a hard time too, receiving one response for every ten initial messages sent. It’s all a bit tricky and frustrating on both sides. But online is what it’s all about, so online we must go.

Seven forty-five. Have to leave in five minutes. Check the flat in case we end up back here. Can’t be a mess. Which it isn’t.

Can’t be overly tidy as she might think I was anticipating her coming back. But then it’s not as if I’ll be pre-dimming the lights and have Barry White ready to go on the CD player. The loos and sinks are clean enough and the duvet is casually thrown over the bed rather than precisely placed. Perfect. Anyone would think you’ve done this a few times before James, you sly old devil!

Final look in the hall mirror, and argh didn’t wax the moustache! To the bathroom, slap a bit on, quick twizzle, and we’re ready to romance the lady, whose name is Helen!

Definitely Helen.

Seven forty-nine. And we’re out the door!

No rain, it’s not cold; it’s all good.

Check phone – thirteen Facebook notifications, four new emails, and another little flame from Tinder. Another match?

James, you’re on fire this week!

No, it’s a new message.

“Hello my dear. I have been away on business since two days ago and have been stranded at Lagos airport for nine hours and need to pay a bribe to the security people.

Please send $800 by Western Union Money Transfer right away. I want to be in your arms very soon. All my love, your angel from heaven, Helen.”

Bollocks. ¢

GOLDIE magazine | 61

Can it ever be as good as the real thing?

Jacynth Bassett, founder of the bias-cut-com explains how we can all learn to love online shopping

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can still remember my first time. It was many years ago. I was nervous, uncertain. Would it be safe? Would I enjoy it? Would it be like I had imagined? These were the thoughts running through my head. But I took the plunge. I bought a dress online, and I’ve never looked back.

I had been scouring the boutiques and department stores for the perfect party outfit with no luck. I was aware of the likes of Net-A-Porter, Matches and Farfetch, still in their relative infancy, but had been tentative about purchasing from them. Surely they just sucked the fun out of shopping? And how would I know if it would fit? But what was originally a “last resort” soon became my first point of call. Online fashion shopping opened up a whole new world of opportunity.

Yes, it’s different. And no, it can’t replace the joy of window shopping, exploring pretty boutiques and browsing through rails with friends. But what online fashion shopping does do is make you a smarter shopper. And it seems many others agree; over the next five years, the online fashion market is due to see a strong double-digit growth, with the market forecast to increase a further 79 per cent by 2020.

However, as I chat to people, I’m still struck by the number who refuse to buy clothes online, particularly amongst baby boomers and older. Ask any millennial if they’ve bought clothes online and you’re guaranteed to be met with a look of confusion and “is there any other way to buy clothes?”

But ask someone over 45 and there’s a 46 per cent chance that they’ll tell you no.

If you do fall into the “anti-online shopping” crew, or have tried it and hated it, I strongly urge you to try it again. You’ll find the pieces you really love, and will probably save money too. So let me dispel some of the most common concerns that might be holding you back:

62 | GOLDIE magazine

Security More often than not, the number one worry is “is it safe?” We’ve all heard those horror stories of websites running away with your cash, or your card details being stolen. You might feel fine shopping from a big reputable brand online, but what about smaller ones?

Good news is, there are some very easy precautions you can take.

First look out for the padlock icon in your search bar. It should accompany https:// rather than just http://. This means that the website has a SSL certificate, ensuring communications between your browser and the website are encrypted and secure. Plus it adds validity to the website.

Also consider the payment options. If it directly accepts credit card payments, you know its PCI compliant (i.e. it follows the standards for security, policies, technologies, and ongoing processes that protect their payment from breaches and theft of cardholder data). If it doesn’t accept payments or only redirects you to a different website for payment, it won’t be compliant.

It can be particularly reassuring if the website offers payment through PayPal, because it offers additional customer protection. PayPal will only work with verified businesses, and if you buy something and the item is never delivered, you will be guaranteed to receive your money back. A lot of people assume you have to have a PayPal account to use it but you can pay through their gateway as “a guest” too (and you’ll still have customer protection). However, if the website only offers PayPal, it may still not be PCI compliant. So the most trusting of websites should directly take credit card payments, and offer PayPal. Fit When it comes to clothing, fit is always an issue. But a lot of good websites now offer detailed sizing advice, and even suggest going up or down a size where necessary.

You can also chat with the company online, via email or phone and they should be happy to help and offer more dedicated suggestions.

And if you’re really stuck and your budget allows it, order two of the same item to see which one fits best.

Yes, a big put off is having to deal with returns, but legally all online fashion websites have to offer 14-day returns (unless the item is bespoke/customised), and if the return process is free and easy, you can’t really lose.

Sure, you might have to go to the post office or book a courier collection, but you can do this at your own convenience, and any hassle it brings will generally be outweighed by other benefits of shopping online.

Not looking like the image on the website / poor quality This is a tricky one, because ultimately it comes down to the standard of the photographer. And, of course, there’s no way you can feel the fabric. Ultimately this requires researching the brand. Look at verified reviews and its reputation when it comes to quality. Also look at close-ups of the piece and for product fabric descriptions.

Bear in mind that big fast fashion brands can afford fantastic photographers who make their pieces look a lot better online, whilst smaller brands may not have the budget for big photoshoots to do the pieces justice. So take this into account when considering reviews. Also make sure the website is using legitimate images – this could be their own photographs, or photographs by the brand they are selling.

Yes, there is a chance you might be disappointed occasionally, but if you’ve followed the guidelines about security and returns above, it doesn’t matter.

It ends up more expensive with delivery costs These days, many websites offer free delivery or delivery for a small cost. It’s

Jacynth surrounded by her real women models

true, there are websites that charge a lot particularly annoying when they charge almost the same for shipping as they do for the item itself - but that’s rare; usually the cost of shipping is much cheaper than the cost of parking, fuel or a train ticket to the shops.

And the savings don’t end there. A lot of websites offer special discounts so you’ll probably be able to get the item you’re looking at in the shops for less online (a lot of people try on in store, and then buy online).

You’ll also be able to easily compare all the prices online to get the best deal.

It’s not an enjoyable experience Shopping online is obviously a different experience to being in a physical store, and

no matter how much Facebook might try, nothing can replace human contact. But online shopping can be just as enjoyable, simply in a different way.

Treat a fashion e-commerce site like a magazine; in the same way you enjoy flicking through the glossy pages, you can browse beautiful designs right at your fingertips. And the best bit is there’s always new, exciting designs to look at! The range is huge, so you can actually get that piece you’re really looking for rather than compromising; and if you have a specific item in mind, you can use a website’s search and filters.

And when it comes to the thrill of buying, you’ll still get that rush of delight. You may not have the item instantaneously, but instead

the excitement will build up between the purchase and delivery. Then, when it arrives you’ll unwrap it with joy, like you’ve been sent a present (even if it’s to yourself). And take it from me, the arrival of an order when you’ve had a crappy day always makes it better.

So hopefully that has reassured you, and even might have convinced you to give online shopping a go. There’s so much fun to be had, money to be saved, and you’ll love the huge range available. Otherwise you’re really missing out and, after all, who doesn’t want to be a savvier shopper? ¢ www.the-bias-cut.com GOLDIE magazine | 63

CLOSET CONFIDENTIAL

Angela Kennedy meets a woman who nurtured her vintage passion to create Eponine, a discerning fashion label for the fashion cognoscenti, which she launched at the age of 50!

J

et Shenkman, Founder and Creative director, is the face of her fashion label Eponine as she appears regularly on Instagram in a profusion of colour, print and general feel-good happiness, encapsulating the brands’ core values.

Though megawatt colours reign on mannequins in the show room, Karma rules in the adjoining workshop, which is a rarity in the hyper world of fashion… but then there’s so much more to Jet than fashion.

She is also a bereavement counsellor and charity co-founder.

WHY?

Eponine is named after the spirited character in Les Miserables, a woman who is courageous and determined to do what is right, and it was a firm family favourite!

I have three daughters and a son, all in various creative fields. My daughter Nina helps in the business whilst pursuing an acting career.

I’m from the Netherlands, and worked for the Dutch Embassy in London originally, before being transferred to Tokyo, then to Hong Kong with my British husband Greg where we lived for four years before settling back in London.

I have always loved fashion and developed an interest in styling to help friends initially. I noticed that though lots of women were wealthy, they were unsure about how to dress for their shape and for different social occasions.

Gradually I became a personal stylist and learnt a lot about women’s insecurities.

I wanted to create a brand that nurtured my own aesthetic and was all inclusive so finally took the plunge and launched Eponine when I was 50!

That was seven years ago now.

We were bespoke originally, selling by word of mouth from my home.

Now we have our own small Atelier in a Kensington Mews offering both bespoke and ready-to-wear.

It’s important for me to create a workplace that people want to be in and care about what they create.

Petar (Pep), the Eponine designer has been with me since the very beginning, so we’re like a family.

WHAT?

The vintage elegance of the Fifties and quirkiness of the Sixties

64 | GOLDIE magazine

have always inspired me and forms the foundation of what we do. The colours and fabrics of Asia have left a lasting impression, especially the rich textures of Japanese kimonos.

We incorporate them into bespoke dresses that are unique without being intimidating.

I’m proud to say all our ready-to-wear fabrics are sourced in the UK. After my first trade trip to Paris for fabrics, I ended up choosing British mills right here that actually export to Paris couture houses.

When the Duchess of Cambridge chose one of our suits two years ago for a Royal engagement, we were so flattered and it gave us an incredible

push at just the right moment.

Our clients want something individual and flattering and can be of any age. We understand their sensibilities and appreciate, for example, that lots of woman don’t like to show their top arms so include lots of three-quarter length sleeves.

Alongside building the business, I trained as a bereavement counsellor and have co-founded a charity that is very close to my heart, The Wilfred Faber Counselling Service at the London Oratory. We offer low cost or free professional support across a wide range of mental issues.

WEAR

I always wear my own collections; they are so much a part of who I am. I like to feel how the fabrics and shapes really work. We experiment on me!

I’ve got lucky genes and have always been easy to fit size wise. I used to wear a lot of black, but now find it more uplifting to wear colour. I love to scout around for vintage cashmere and still manage to find good quality cardigans and twinsets online. Once you wear cashmere, you never look back.

My casual weekend look focuses on dungarees and Breton tops, and, of course there’s my walking kit for holidays. Hiking and walking in the mountains keep me grounded and help me think things through more clearly.

Instagram is my way of showing what we believe in and celebrating our wonderful clients. There’s nothing more rewarding than seeing a woman walk away, confident, happy and selfassured. It makes us all feel-good.¢ eponinelondon.com charity WFCS wfcslondon.org

Jet Shenkman, founder and ceative director.

Left, a signature retro-style fitted dress, bold colours and shapes in the Eponine Atelier GOLDIE magazine | 65

66 | GOLDIE magazine

It’s a family affair Plum Bovan has been making one-off pieces of jewellery from her home in York for the last three years. She tells Rebecca Weef Smith how it all started PICTURES BY MATTY BOVAN

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Tell me about the earrings you have on today. his pair was an early experiment.I wanted big earrings but couldn’t find any that worked for me; everything I liked was too heavy and made my ears sore. So I started to experiment with light clay, just playing to see what would happen. It was a process of curiosity motivated by the fact that I had become much more confident about dressing with boldness.

I had been really influenced by the Advanced Style women. I saw that they were having a great time with their looks and I realised I had lost my way with how I was dressing. I didn’t want to slip into obscurity. This particular way of being me has developed over the last ten years or so. Both the jewellery and the way I am creating my look are on-going. But I have always loved big earrings. I think that may have come from my mother.

Was your mother a creative dresser?

My mother was creative in every way. She was incredibly stylish and always managed to make something from nothing.

She had no money, but was always able to make life beautiful. I would come home from school, and she would have made new loose covers or a dress. Of course, when you grow up in that environment you take it for granted. She was always making me little presents. I would wake up to find a jam jar covered in fabric filled with colouring pencils on the bedside table. I still have a candle holder she made around 1963. It says “from mummy with love” underneath. She painted too; Matty (Plum’s Son) has the only watercolour we have left of hers in his house.

Even in her late eighties she was still a glamorous lady, always with her lipstick, perfume and sunglasses. After my stepfather died she left Norfolk and moved up here to York; it was lovely to have that time with her.

Have you always been creative?

I didn’t really think of myself as being creative when I was younger. I have probably always dressed resourcefully. I would add bits to clothes or remake something I loved to make it last longer.

And I have really enjoyed doing up houses. I moved around a lot so didn’t ever have a space to turn into a studio or a sewing room. I have my own designated space now so I can play and make a mess.

That is something I share with Matty; we both fill the spaces we occupy with all our “making stuff”. I love helping him out with his shows; it’s super that I get to do jewellery for the catwalk. But

at the end of the day they are fantasy pieces and are not practical.

I want to wear my earrings without worrying that they will catch on my jumper. I have to be aware of the proportions. And whilst I don’t want to abandon the freedom to have fun with the process, I do have one eye on making them wearable and commercial.

It’s a balance. Fashion is an art form but it is not fine art; it has a different purpose. It has to be worn. It is something that needs to work in the real world, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be bland.

It sounds as if Matty may have learnt a lot from you.

We are a close family, a team in practical ways. I have sewn on buttons for him, we drive boxes around, we are here for him.

Matty was close to my mother too. I suppose that our values do come across in his work ethic. He likes to use craftsmanship and traditional skills in his collections. He finds older women to produce items; he cares about the people as well as the end result. But Matty has found another family in fashion. I have been delighted to find so many kind and generous people in the industry who have helped and supported him. And everyone is always so nice to me. It’s refreshing, as it goes against what I had expected from such a competitive business. Fashion people are hardworking, talented and very nice.

Do you see your jewellery becoming a fashion business?

I really don’t know at the moment. How can I scale this up? How can embed this creativity in a business model and still have fun?

I probably need a mentor. We all do, don’t we, whatever our age?

It’s nice that people like what I do, that they compliment me on Instagram and ask if they can buy my pieces. It was surprising when that started to happen. Even more so when someone says I have made them think about themselves differently after they have seen me wearing the earrings. I’m not in the mood for being discreet, but I’m not always as confident as the loud jewellery would suggest.

However, just as I was influenced by women such as Sue Kreitzman, I am now aware that in sharing myself on IG, I have a responsibility.

If I can show that I am taking a chance, perhaps that gives someone else the confidence to do, or wear, something they love. So yes, I will carry on making my wearable bits and bobs, and may get myself organised to sell online. I am aware this is my look; I’m careful not to impose my own idea of beauty on others. It is lovely to influence and be influenced but we shouldn’t inflict rules. And we shouldn’t be restricting ourselves.

We should be playing with curiosity and wearing earrings that make us smile. u GOLDIE magazine | 67

“It’s super that I get to do jewellery for the catwalk.

But at the end of the day they are fantasy pieces and are not practical. I want to wear my earrings without worrying that they will catch on my jumper.”

68 | GOLDIE magazine

All jewellery

by Plum Bovan

GOLDIE magazine | 69

Chameleon Skins: it’s in the clouds Annie Sherburne discusses how we relate to sustainable fashion and how Cloud Show can inspire us with hope for fashioning a sustainable future

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intage, recycling, upcycling and creative individual designers.

It’s not a scene, it’s not a lifestyle, and it’s not a trend: it’s a revolution. We can use these strategies to dress and to create our chameleon skins, to play the multiple roles we have in society and, in doing so, we can create a practical, intelligent bridge between where we are now and the changes that need to be made to counteract the damage that has already been done. There can be no more concept of waste: creating economic viability for recycling is the key to profound change: we must use the system to heal the system.

Meihui Liu (curator of The European Union Sustainable Fashion Festival in Berlin, and Cloud Show at London’s Southbank Centre) says of fashion retailing: “it’s difficult to be sustainable across a whole store, but some shops have sustainable rails which are upcycled, made by individual designer-makers

from the shop’s own leftover stock and remodelled for this current season. It’s the best way to utilise a brand’s own waste.”

Environmental damage has already been done before we buy the vintage, up-cycled and recycled garments; by using and choosing again, we begin to mitigate that damage.

Any future environmental impact we might cause is when we clean and launder these clothes, and we have charge of that if we wash by hand with gentle soaps and line dry.

My study looked at sustainability issues from the perspective of a designer. This is how I became so informed about recycling.

It is the key to change. As individuals, if we understand what best practice should be, we can identify and use these materials appropriately in our own lives and choose which companies to support; as always, we need to keep informed.

The good news is that independent designers, artists, innovators and up-cyclers are remodelling, making new couture, and working with innovation, vision and

enthusiasm. It’s something that can’t really be copied by the mass market. But it isn’t exclusive to Shoreditch or Berlin; it’s a new way to make economic success sustainable without generating damage.

This way of working can be adopted by, and adapted for, every art school, design graduate, and entrepreneur; it is making opportunities for everyone, not a select few.

There are emerging stars in this field such as Liu, who is not only creating her own political, conceptual and creatively-wearable sustainable fashion, but is at the vanguard of a movement in East London for championing a new way to make fashion. She has recently been collaborating with Tim Yip to co-curate a Chinese/British sustainable fashion festival at London’s Southbank Centre, where twenty designers from the UK’s sustainability sector have interpreted ideas about the future of the world. ¢

MIKE MARCHANT

What is Cloud Show?

Facilitated by producer Sarah Tarry, Tim Yip asked 50 young people from across London “who are you? What does it mean to be you? And how do you see the world in 1000 years?” The words generated, such as ocean, supermarket, fish, ticket and whale, fed into the design process. Twenty designers, paired with fashion design students to assist, transformed these visions into costumes that are conceptual works of art. Wearable - some commercially viable - they are extravaganzas for the eyes, all opening a multidimensional imaginative dialogue of who, and where, we are in relation to the planet and each other.

Not all the pieces in this show are practical, but they are all inspirational and emanate showmanship.

Michelle Lowe-Holder, for Cloud Show at the Southbank, London MODEL: Ethan

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Michelle Lowe-Holder “Sometimes I find that speaking to people about sustainability elicits extreme and emotional reactions. But I think that purism is an impossible stance to take because you just wouldn’t do anything. I aim to go as far as possible in the ethos and practicalities of my sustainable practice, without u

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PICTURE CREDIT

DANIEL VAZQUEZ BOLANO

Meihui Liu, Victim of Fashion St, political, conceptual and creatively-wearable sustainable fashion

MIKE MARCHANT

Michelle Lowe-Holder, for Cloud Show at the Southbank, London MODEL: Ethan

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Marie Cantenys Marie Cantenys makes latex skins that many people can inhabit at the same time, blurring the edges of how we perceive not only physical, but also emotional shapes. These pieces undeniably interconnect as material objects as well as connecting us spiritually.

We are asked to ponder the meaning of what we are, how we connect with the planet, and how we see our own bodies.

MIKE MARCHANT

u compromising my aesthetics and creativity, “ says Michelle Lowe-Holder, speaking about her contribution to Cloud Show.

“There are lots of ways of being sustainable: small business, hand making, responsible use of materials, lots of up-cycling, and good craftsmanship” Michelle sets the bar high in terms of ideas, and creativity. You wouldn’t even know her work follows a very strict sustainable ethos.

Inspirational pieces every one, they are wearable art, jewellery-like, tribal, using exquisite techniques that use repetitive components to make sculptural forms, like the ruffles of hundreds of circles of offcuts of tulle and voile.

These pieces are actually fashion forward, feminine, transparent and revealing. With a mind to cleaning, the ruffles are removable while you clean the main body of the dress: mastery over materials, aesthetic and practical.

Marie Cantenys for Cloud Show at the Southbank, London MODELS: Ethan & Annie

I came away from this inspiring encounter with the Cloud Show designers with the knowledge that we can play our way happily out of the chaos we have inherited; we can raid the sea for plastic, and enable all creative souls to remake what was made before; regenerate rather than use up; cleanse and remake simultaneously.

We believe we are at the end of our resources, yet we are only just beginning the journey of discovering how to create from what we already have and take joy in making rather than drowning in a sea of guilt. ¢

MIKE MARCHANT

Ilana Blumberg Ilana Blumberg also creates interfaces between art and the body, using what she calls “the vernacular of everyday life”, or the debris that accumulates around us.

For Cloud Show, she used everything and anything she came across; the sole financial outlay was £5 on a massive cone of black mohair from a charity shop. The resulting ‘whale chameleons’ were inspired by the luxury of Fendi and folk costume.

In collaboration with Brigit Frietman, she produced a gossamer knitted dress which morphs into a skeletal train hung with hand cured fish skin ornaments. The work is at once subversive, visceral, humorous, asexual, and a powerfully emotive force

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Fashion is the armour to survive the reality of everyday life* *Quote Bill Cunningham.

How do we use our clothes to tell the stories we want to convey?

Most of us mix fantasy and reality, designer and high street, to create our own unique brand. Can this be achieved with finds from the humble British Charity Shop? We think so...

PICTURES BY JUTTA KLEE. MODEL SUZANNAH HICKS STYLING :REBECCA WEEF SMITH

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Coat: BIBA Dress: Christian Dior Boutique Boots : Model’s own Jacket and Scarf: Vintage Alison Jumper: Bright and Beautiful £44.00 Belt and Necklace Stylist’s own 76 | GOLDIE magazine

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Sophie Shirt: Bright and Beautiful, £28.00 Saria Trousers: Bright and Beautiful, £70.50 Head wrap: Stylist’s own

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Vintage shirt: Cacharel Trousers: Jigsaw Boots: Model’s own Caron Jacquard Bird Coat: Bright and Beautiful, £125.00 Dress just seen: Vintage Vintage Hat: Model’s mothers

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Dress and Jacket: Yves Saint Laurent Rive Gauche Boots: Model’s own

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Coat: Vintage Shirt: Yves Saint Laurent Trousers: MaxMara Boots: Model’s own Beret: Stylist’s own All clothes British Red Cross, Church Street,Chelsea, London SW3, unless otherwise stated.

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Top marks for excellence!

Launched in Cambridge, made in Britain and loved by everyone, Julie Deane’s satchels have elevated the humble bag into a desireable accessory. Angela Kennedy hears how she did it

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Julie Deane in her London showroom GOLDIE magazine | 87

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well worn, much loved leather school satchel held happy nostalgic memories for Julie Deane, and inspired her to launch her globally successful business, The Cambridge Satchel Company, exactly ten years ago.

From taking tea with Royalty at her Buckingham Palace OBE Awards ceremony to rubbing shoulders with billionaire Jack Ma at the first female entrepreneurship conference in China, Julie’s satchels, and inspiring personal story, have captured the hearts of everyone from cost-conscious students to celebrities like Lady Gaga, yet Julie keeps her feet and roots firmly where it all kicked off, in Cambridge.

At the beginning I was born in Swansea and studied Natural Sciences at Conville & Caius College, Cambridge, and worked as an accountant both here and in the US. I have always appreciated that a good education is the best start in life and wanted the same for my children, but when I took a career break for eight years to be with them, I soon realised that I needed to totally rethink if I was to fund their school fees. Emily was eight, and Max six.

My mother Freda has been, and still is, at 80, a fabulous inspiration. Together we started The Cambridge Satchel Company, quite literally at my kitchen table ten years ago. With the naivety of total beginners, no experience of the fashion industry, and on an initial budget of only £600, the whole concept was created to provide an income for school fees for Emily and Max. Emily is now 19 and at St Andrews University and Max is 17, still at The Perse School in Cambridge, yet contributing creatively towards the business. He is a keen and talented photographer.

Why satchels?

I was frustrated that none of the school bags we bought ever lasted. We worked our way through lots of cheap bags, but I remembered nostalgically how much I had loved my old battered leather satchel.

The older it got, the more cherished it became. So I thought, why not revisit the original satchel shape and customise it?

Finding a supplier was tricky. We started with a school uniform supplier, who could make 200 a week but soon had to rethink, as things gradually took off.

The choice of name was always obvious.

We’re in Cambridge, so it had to be The Cambridge Satchel Company. I designed the logo myself after experimenting with fonts and sizes. It was always going to be a bike as that just seemed to summarise my long association with Cambridge. The children were not keen on satchels at first, but then I coaxed them with Harry Potter Hogwarts anecdotes and told Emily that Hermione had one, which did the trick!

What motivates you?

Always learning new things. Education is everything. I had a wonderful teacher who motivated me to think for myself and as a result I am very methodical. I listed 10 88 | GOLDIE magazine

Recieving her OBE

“I want everyone to be able to afford a decent bag” things I could do to make money for school fees on an excel sheet before I went ahead.

I take something from every job I do, and learnt along the way, from coding a website to marketing the product. It’s such a privilege to live in a wonderful city like Cambridge with so much to offer and an honour to have recently been named an Honorary Fellow at Conville & Caius.

I like to give back and lecture frequently in schools as well as at business conferences.

We offer students a discount in store, as after all, that’s where it all started. I get so much pleasure hearing that Emily’s fellow students at St Andrews are massive fans.

Keeping it in the family My father was a photographer and when he died, I exchanged his old cameras for a brand new digital camera to record our first collections. It’s seems as if he’s still encouraging me and contributing towards the business. I like to keep things real and feature people from our factory and my own children as models.

We want to represent natural happy images, not cool moody “model” poses.

What kick-starts a new collection?

Ideas can come from anywhere and everywhere, my garden that I love to potter

about in, or a holiday that inspires me.

Emily, Max and I went off to a Dude ranch in Wyoming on holiday recently where we all totally switched off - there were no mobiles or texts constantly pinging. I expected a kickback as they missed social media but amazingly, they both relaxed into the lifestyle. I couldn’t imagine better travelling companions.It was so rewarding to just ride and explore the landscape. I came back and immediately launched our fringed saddle bag with a ‘Wild West’ feel, inspired by the authentic leather saddles and fringing.

I like to play with components and colours. The original satchel has had many different makeovers. It’s been big, small, (tiny satchels were this summer’s big trend), multi-coloured, fluorescent, printed and co-ordinated with tartan.

There are many more ideas to come.

The power of designer collaborations Rei Kawakubo of Comme des Garcons contacted us just after we launched and said she was a big fan of our brand. I didn’t even think we were a brand, but that cemented it. We were finally a proper fashion brand to be taken seriously. Then Vivienne Westwood wanted to collaborate, and everyone loved her famous colourful squiggle print on the classic leather satchel.

I gradually began to appreciate the growing power of social media - most of our initial sales had been by word of mouth - so I engaged with bloggers and the press, writing personal notes to celebrities we saw wearing our bags.

We’ve been dubbed the Brit “it” bag We are not elitist like so many designer brands. I want everyone to be able to afford a decent bag. They are for women (and men) who want something beautifully crafted and made in England. We offer good value and are determined to keep it that way. The average starting price is around £60. I get involved with all aspects of the business and am proud of the craftsmen who work in our factory in Leicester. It’s all in the detail, like the branded buckles and our new push-locks.

That Google Ad! When, totally out of the blue, we were invited to appear on an Ad for Google Chrome in 2012, Emily and Max were embarrassed. “No one will see it will they?” they asked. Well, that could not have been

“Our bags are for people who know their own style whatever their age”

REKHA DAMHAR

A selection of bags from the current collection

further from reality. The 60-second ad that showed how we started up was larger than life on screen and went all around the globe. It got us unbelievable brand recognition and support. The internet has played such a huge part in helping me build the business, from finding suppliers to reaching out to press, and I wanted everyone to know that it can be achieved.

And true to form, my mother Freda said.

“Well Julie, you still haven’t changed a bit”.

And now, what’s new?

Emily came back one day and said the whole house smelt of dogs. I have two boxers, Barnaby and Isabella. I threw myself into some very therapeutic fragrance research. I found a British candle maker and launched the Cambridge home fragrance and candle. The energizing fragrance is uplifting, and at £30, it makes a nice little gift with that homely feeling. Sometimes it’s the simplest things that say the most and everyone loves a scented candle.

We’re also launching the Cambridge cashmere scarf before Christmas.

China and the future The Chinese flock to Cambridge and buy up our satchels, sometimes several each in one go! We represent the British image

they admire. China is fast becoming our biggest export market, along with the US. I accompanied the Prime Minister on a trade mission in 2013, eventually resulting in us cementing a contact with the Alibaba Tmall, China’s equivalent of Amazon.

We will soon be launching our own website hosted in China. This is a mammoth undertaking but we will do it ourselves, as we like to keep things in the family. I’ve been to China several times now and, although I keep getting asked to manufacture there, I will always stay in the UK. Because mine is a very real story, it seems to have resonated with lots of entrepreneurs and I have been lucky enough to meet a great many, people like Richard Branson and Arianna Huffington.

Our tenth birthday milestone This year’s tenth anniversary sees us launching a new softer, roomier bag. Of course, I knew immediately what it should be called; the Emily bag. After all, she

and Max were why I took the initiative to start up the business in the first place.

It’s also time to evaluate. We currently have five shops, with Covent Garden as our flagship, I’ll be looking at St Andrews in Scotland next as our Edinburgh shop is a great success. And of course Emily is studying there now, which will give me even more reason to visit!

Big fan Barbour is a company I really admire. They do what they say they do, everything works as it should and gets even better with age. I’ve had mine for twelve years, I walk the dogs, do the gardening and travel all over in it.

Famous names It’s always rewarding when women I admire endorse our bags. Sophie EllisBextor has several; Emma Stone and Ines de La Fressange have both chosen them too. I would love to see Helena Bonham Carter with one. I’m sure she’d like them, she’s just the sort of woman we love – she’s completely her own person!

Ultimately, our bags are for people who know their own style, whatever their age. www.cambridgesatchel.com GOLDIE magazine | 89

London Fashion Week SS2019:

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THE SCENE Away from the catwalk: London was awash with ageless style inspiration from a colourful cast of show-goers Images: Gerald Wilhelm and Mike Marchant

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London Fashion Week SS2019:

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THE SCENE LFW Classics on the streets accessorised with shownotes and sunglasses Images: Gerald Wilhelm and Mike Marchant

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London Fashion Week SS2019:

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THE SCENE LFW the inside story: Diversity? Some.

Wrinkles? Hardly.

Images: Gerald Wilhelm and Mike Marchant

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London Fashion Week SS2019:

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Where are they hiding the older models?

TEMPERLEY LONDON PICTURES MIKE MARCHANT

Rebecca Weef Smith wants to share the good news… she really does.

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have faith that the fashion industry truly wants to be forwardthinking and take on board all the messages about diversity and inclusivity that we as consumers are asking to be addressed. As a print magazine aimed at the over 40s, age-diversity within fashion is a priority for us. We don’t only want to be discussing older models but it’s somewhere to start. The decision to employ older models seems like a commercial no-brainer; brands get to connect with the women who actually wear the clothes in question. According to Bain & Co, “Most people that are buying expensive designer-brand clothing are not 16-year-old girls.” Baby Boomers account for 69 per cent of personal luxury goods consumers.

In an ideal world, I would like not to be counting the age range at fashion shows, but sharing the seamless manner in which fashion has embraced all ages, body types, skin colours and genders. I want to get back to talking about ‘Zee Clothezes’, not banging on about which labels didn’t have models over 30 on the catwalk.

So was this the most age-diverse London Fashion Week to date?

Short answer: I doubt it. The diversity report for LFW has yet to be released as I write this but The Fashion Spot’s bi-annual diversity report for New York shows that the spring/summer 2019 season (which counts 76 major shows and 2,203 model appearances) was the most representative across different races, sizes, ages, and genders than ever before.

The score for models over 50: 12 castings. The least represented of all groups. Twelve. Yep that’s right. However one champion of ageing with style stood out at NYFW: artist Patrick Church showed his collection on models ranging in age from 65 to 99 years old.

“Having explored gender and race before we thought that ageism was a relevant subject to create awareness,” Church said. “When we were casting the models, we fell in love with each one of them and their stories. We found them more confident and beautiful than the usual models.Everyone, at any age, can feel glamorous, empowered and beautiful.”

Lovely. Thank you. Did London follow this example? At first glance I struggled to find any grown-ups on the catwalks at LFW. I felt sure that labels such as Jasper Conran, Burberry or Victoria Beckham would make my heart glow with ageless pride. Alas ‘twas not to be…

But I don’t want to dwell on lack; I want to look at who at LFW u GOLDIE magazine | 97

London Fashion Week SS2019:

RIXO’s debut LFW SS2019 collection, Love Over Gold

u is showing true age diversity without being tokenistic. It seems that it was left to two brands with young women at the helm to display how fashion can be ageless.

Temperley London Alice Temperley showed that age diversity could be a natural inclusion in a brand story. A set of diverse models encompassing all ages and ethnicities - though alas not sizes - walked the runway. The designer’s mother, Diana, along with Helen McCrory and Ellen Von Unwerth were, for me, the stars of the show. But then so too were the dresses which really could be worn by any woman of any age. It is a shame that the only tummy was a pregnant one, when actually the lines of Temperley dresses really do flow over curves beautifully.

RIXO RIXO presented its debut LFW SS2019 collection, Love Over Gold, at a presentation with diverse models of different ages, including a mother and daughter – thank goodness we had the heads-up from Caroline Labouchere or we may have missed this one.

RIXO’s founders have said that the brand crosses generations and caters to all shapes and sizes. It is based on their own style and 98 | GOLDIE magazine

inspired by their mothers. “Inspiration for our collections comes from vintage fairs and flea markets; we are always on the hunt! Charity shops are also amazing to find great pieces. And we love the 70s. Most importantly for us, though, is that we want to ensure we create shapes that flatter the woman’s body and use great quality materials. We are obsessed with our own personal silk vintage Ossie Clark and Celia Birtwell dresses.”

I love these labels, I love that these young designers are just putting clothes on women who love to dress. It shouldn’t be that unusual, but it still is.

Fashion is meant to satisfy us all: it is time that Fashion weeks become a reflection of what all people actually look like — sizes, backgrounds, and ages.

Can fashion be truly intergenerational? I believe so. I want to see us all embrace the excitement of the new with the wealth of experience; young and old, why can’t we all share the joy of a great dress?

As we move away from age homogeneity on the catwalks, the industry can show that it is listening to the changing needs of the market and is aware that older women are as much part of the fashion conversation as younger ones. ¢

Caroline Labouchere took part in LFW SS19 at the RIXO presentation. This was her first experience of the event. She shares her views on why this is our generation’s time to be seen

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meet women of the 1960s’ generation every day who feel young and have boundless energy. Some are supreme sportsmen in their own right. I ran my first marathon last year, amassing over 2500km in 2017. I am planning my first ultra-marathon this year, a 50km run. We have so much to give, all on a foundation of years of life experience. “50 is the new 30,” don’t you know? “Grey is the new black!”

We look better and feel better than women of our age ever did. Even better than many considerably younger than us, I’m proud to say.

Generally, we are more secure; we have brought up our children, run our households, nurtured our marriages, loved and been loved.

We have been there, done that and got the t-shirt, maybe even more than one.

Now we are moving on to the next stage of our lives. Modern science informs our dietary choices; modern medicine nips problems in the bud. We are ready to take on new challenges and embrace change. However, it seems the world is not quite ready to embrace us.

Cultures change slowly. Society looks backwards and applies the old rules. Change can be uncomfortable.

Obviously I am not speaking for everyone. Not everyone wants to join this tribe. Some are happy to watch. That is fine; we are all different. I am speaking of the women who want to stand up and be counted, who want to empower other women to be their best selves, whatever that means to them. To stand tall and follow a lifelong vision or a new dream.

I became a model this year, following a campaign that has been featured in British Vogue. The No1 Rosemary Water campaign has put me on the map. I had no idea a year ago this was on the cards but couldn’t be happier. This opportunity has changed my life completely; I feel stronger and more in control.

I am fascinated that there is so much interest in the silver-haired generation on Instagram. There is something really special about the age range of followers. It goes to show that we do have a place and are equally as valuable as the beautiful youngsters on all of the covers of the magazines. The younger generation is interested in how we look after ourselves as we aren’t the norm. As we become more of a force, empowering each other to take control and gently pushing ourselves into the limelight, we can show that it’s okay to be visible.

I have always followed Fashion Week in London via social media.

This year, I was invited to play. I felt included. I’m not sure the majority of young girls were excited to be there. Not like a hungry happiness; not passionate. Maybe it’s because I’m new to this world of fashion.

There were three of us “grey ladies”, two had been drafted from the London streets. I was the only professional. One was really interested

Caroline Labouchere at RIXO’s debut LFW SS2019 collection, Love Over Gold

in modelling; one was happy just to play for the day.

I felt the young designers at RIXO were putting across that their clothes were age-inclusive; more so than established older designers and the stylists who rely on the younger generation to carry their clothes.

I am inspired by my new career, but it is hard work. Not the standing all day, but the pushing and shoving to get noticed. Yet this is our time and I intend to make the most of it.¢ You can follow Caroline’s new career on instagram @carolinelabouchere GOLDIE magazine | 99

London Fashion Week SS2019:

Real women: form a Q Rebecca Weef Smith puts aside her scepticism of the term Midster and discovers the women putting their age centre stage

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ccording to a recent JD Williams study, more than half of UK women aged 45 and over are unhappy with what the high street has to offer their age group and 88 per cent want to see more “real” women of their age in marketing campaigns. When asked how the fashion industry as a whole makes them feel, just three per cent said “excited”, a third opted for “forgotten” and 37 per cent chose “invisible”.

JD Williams terms this demographic of women Midsters, which is not a label I particularly like but I do admire the way the brand chooses to celebrate these unheard women. Women who just want to participate in the joy that wearing a great outfit can bring.

As the brand’s spokesperson Ed Watson recently stated, “Midster women want to see brands and retailers using women they can relate to; we’re proud to put Midster women front and centre in our campaigns – not as just a tokenistic gesture. We urge the rest of the industry to follow suit!”

One of the many ways that JD Williams elected to engage with this “forgotten” demographic of women was to conduct a

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Midster Model search to find two unsigned models aged 45+. The winners took part in a catwalk presentation, along with a cast of women, all aged 45 and over, ahead of London Fashion Week. The show aimed to highlight that age inclusivity is possible on the catwalk, and with the average model’s age at LFW being 17 years old, this is an example that needs to be set. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of being at the show. It was unusual not merely for the age of the models but for the fun and relaxed atmosphere that spilled from the runway: there were whoops and cheers; there was a festive mood. The models were laughing, dancing, and having a good time. The audience felt happy. If you had attended the shows that followed at the official LFW events, you would have thought that this catwalk was from another era. This was no reflection on the outfits: this was a back-to-the-Seventies, fashion-as-feelgood-therapy experience. I may view the clothes with a critical eye but I can’t fault the wearingwellbeing that this brand managed to conjure up. As I left, one long-standing fashion insider remarked to me that she had never left a show feeling so good about herself. Bravo, JD Williams for showing that

women over 45 are relevant, look amazing and can model fun in a way that the rest of the industry would do well to take note of.

I asked the winners of the JD Williams Midster Model search, Sue HammondDoutre and Jenny Stoute,for their views on ageism in fashion and this is what they said: Why did you want to be involved in the JD Williams Campaign?

Sue - I entered the competition because I am much more confident in my fifties than I have been for decades and I felt it would be an exciting opportunity if I actually won. I thought it was a fantastic idea to use more mature women who have experienced life, especially when that experience is visible in their faces and body shape.

Jenny - When you are younger, the idea of not being seen or accepted never really enters your mind and you just believe that growing older is just that! Until you enter that milestone and the alarm bells start ringing and you catch yourself saying, hold on, I am still me, young-in-mind, sassy-in-character, and very relevant. Help; don’t turn me into my mum! Times have changed and being a

mature woman has to stop being synonymous with being outmoded. That’s why I wanted to be part of this.

How would you like high street fashion to change?

Sue - I would like the high street to sell more clothes that are exciting, good quality and suitable for all ages. High street clothes, on the whole, are for younger people; no real shaping and low quality material to keep costs down as the trend now is to have quantity rather than quality. The fashion on the high street for the more mature lady tends to be more dressy and very much “mother of the bride” type clothes. We want interesting, affordable and flattering daily wear.

Jenny - I struggle so much in terms of what to wear. I don’t want to dress like a teenager yet at the same time I not want to look like Ermintrude from the Magic Roundabout (that’s showing my age!)

Do you think that ageism in the industry is decreasing?

Sue -I think the industry is slowly becoming more aware and is starting to feature older women which is definitely an improvement.

But they are still not creating enough fashion for the demographic that tends to have the money to spend.

Jenny - Yes, I would agree that at the moment there seems to be a wakeup call in the fashion world as they must now realise that the women with more disposable income are over 40 and there is a definite niche in the market that has to be tapped into!

Do you think there should be specific labels targeted at the over 45s? Can fashion be ageless?

Sue - Fashion should be for all ages but that does not mean one size fits all. I don’t think specific fashion labels would necessarily be the right solution as there are many younger

women who also have body shape issues. If the fashion industry succeeds in producing designs to suit a greater variety of body shapes rather than focusing on age, that would be amazing. Women of all ages just want to look good in fashionable, affordable and stylish clothing.

Jenny - I don’t think we should be categorised by certain labels or pigeon-hole ourselves. Obvious labels like Forever 21 and other very teen-specific brands would of course be a no. Of course, fashion is timeless; I have a few pieces of clothing I have kept from when I was in my 30s. But it is also becoming more unique and bespoke for the individual; now everyone can create their own masterpiece. ¢

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An Insider’s Guide to Skeppsholmen PICTURES AND WORDS: MÅRTEN BJÖRK. MODEL: PATRICK CORDIER

Patrick and Mårten set out for Skeppsholmen, a fairly small island located in the heart of Stockholm and overlooking the Royal Palace. It is one of those places that despite being in the city centre manage to maintain a tranquil atmosphere.

Skeppsholmsbron Bridge connects the island to the Blasieholmen peninsula, once on the island what is there to do?

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Start with the waterfront promenade Brobänken, circling the entire island it takes about 30 minutes to walk during which time you will see Djurgården’s impressive museums across the water, the thrilling rides at Gröna Lund amusement park, and Söder’s photo museum, Fotografiska, across Lake Mälaren.

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Moderna Museet The bright red museum attracts big names in contemporary art; The museum has collections from legends including Picasso, Derkert and Matisse. Don’t miss Dali’s painting The Enigma of Wilhelm Tell, from 1933. Moderna Museet attracts more than 500,000 people every year. It was the place that Andy Warhol first exhibited outside of the United States.

Opening hours: 10am - 8pm Tuesday

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and Friday 10am - 6pm Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday Exercisplan, Skeppsholmen, Stockholm

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Restaurant Hjerta Right next to the modern art museum is the Restaurant Hjerta.

A pretty outside terrace, relaxed atmosphere, and great food make this a must-visit on the island. The menu has Swedish classics but also dishes with Mexican influences.

Worth a cocktail stop for the grapefruit and rosemary gin and tonic or the lavender and violet margarita.

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Östasiatiska museet - The Museum of Far Eastern Antiquities.

Most items here began life in Japan and China, including teapots and

bowls, Kokeshi handmade dolls, Chinese Jade and carnelian jewellery.

Worth a visit for the Café Kikusen, a new Asian restaurant that serves up a taste of Tokyo.

Opening Hours: 11am – 5pm Tuesday - Sunday Skeppsholmen

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Finish of by heading back to the bridge, keeping to the waterside and you will come across one of Stockholm’s most charming hostels: the three-masted sailing ship AF Chapman. The 100-plus-year-old boat was anchored at Skeppsholmen in 1937 after sailing around the world and being used by the Swedish Navy as a training ship. It has served as a hostel since the ’50s.

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Paul Vines tells Linda Galloway how he went from a high-flying career in marketing to living in Mallorca with his family and running his own gourmet cycling holiday business

Climb every mountain: on a country lane in the foothills of the Tramuntana and (inset), the Coll d’Orient, a Top 12 climb with rewarding views

aul Vines hit a career high at 40, making his fortune when he sold his marketing communications agency. Shortly afterwards, he lost it all on another ambitious venture. But 22 years later he’s riding high once again, this time on a bicycle, and he’s enjoying the view from the Sierra Tramuntana on the Balearic island of Mallorca.

For Vines, the journey to Mallorca involved more than a few detours and dead ends, including three long years of being an Easyjet Monday-Thursday commuter. But it all started making sense when he and wife Thalia joined the dots of work and home-life balance to create the lifestyle company they now run from their home in a picturesque villa overlooking vineyards 20 minutes from the island capital of Palma.

“I spent most of my life in the food and drinks industry, but after everything crashed I switched to consultancy, assisting SME’s with growth strategies, which led to a period in corporate finance with time spent working in London. And finally, an investment and operational role in an experience-driven business focused purely on hospitality. “ Even when life was at its most stressful, health and wellbeing were always part of the solution. “Thalia trained and practised as a homeopath and the whole family has lived pretty much by alternative medicine principles for 30 years,” he says.

“She was the driving force behind moving to Mallorca. We visited first as tourists and both fell in love with the island. We vowed to move here when the moment was right. u

the messiah of Mallorca GOLDIE magazine | 107

u Thalia moved here 6 years ago for a 6-month trial. Three years ago we sold up in the UK and moved here for good.

“The main attractions are the climate, the Mediterranean culture and pace of life, and of course the beauty of the landscape. We now live in the middle of the island in Binissalem, in the main area for wine production, in the foothills of the dramatic Tramuntana mountain range,” says Vines.

The couple have been married for 34 years and have two children together, as well as a son and daughter from Thalia’s first marriage. Their eldest daughter, Sarah, after five years living in Hong Kong, has also relocated to the island with her husband and three children and settled 10 minutes away from the Vines at the other end of the village.

The children attend a ‘forest school’ near Palma, where education is focused on nature and the outdoors.

The majestic Tramuntana makes Mallorca a world-class destination for serious cyclists.

The annual Mallorca 312, which celebrates its 10th anniversary in 2019, is an epic roundthe-island race with three distance options, taking in panoramic vistas and challenging climbs.

“Mallorca has the best roads for cycling in the world,” says Vines.

“We started off 4 years ago just arranging tours for friends and family. My son Ben bought me a Roubaix Specialized so I could join him on cycle trips.

“He and I had always cycled together throughout his childhood and having raced as a teenager in Surrey I didn’t need much persuading to take the sport up again. I write a regular blog on my rides around my Mallorca as if I’m describing the ride to Ben and my father, who was a fanatical cyclist when he was a teenager. He is now a frail 87-year-old but still appreciates the thrills of cycling.”

Gradually, the family business started to grow, and Gourmet Cycling Club was officially inaugurated when Vines dropped his commuter bag in the hall for the last time, in January this year.

“I wish I’d done it years ago,” he says.

“The benefits of staying fit and healthy as you get older are well documented. Now I can head out on my bike and call it work!”

He certainly looks the part, tanned, lean and radiating energy, and he is a compelling salesman, no more so than when on his favourite subjects of cycling, food and wine.

The new business makes perfect sense.

“The idea has grown into a bigger project where there is a key link between food and cycling for cyclists. Good nutrition is necessary to support cyclists to ensure they get the best possible performance and pleasure on their bikes, and indulgent food and good wine is the perfect reward for exemplary cycling performances.”

Vines says he’s looking to recruit at least one more member of the family to join them 108 | GOLDIE magazine

“Everyone meets up at the end of the day around the table to swap stories, socialise, eat and drink.”

Vines with Danish friend Pierre on the Coll de Soller, another top Mallorcan climb

in Mallorca. “Myles, our youngest, has a Chilean fiancée and currently lives and works in Australia. Having studied personal training and nutrition he would definitely be an asset for the Gourmet Cycling business, but let’s wait and see …”

In addition to team-building activities based around a list of classic and favourite rides (the Sa Calobra, the Col d’Honor and Cap Formentor sound just menacing enough) there are non-cycling and rest-day

experiences as well as intensive training camps for hard-core enthusiasts. Highperformance bikes and mechanical support are provided.

“Along with the competitive types there are always one or two who don’t want to cycle. They can take a boat trip, go wine tasting or take a cookery class with a local chef. And then everyone meets up at the end of the day around the table to swap stories, socialise, eat and drink.”

Top left: three generations of the Vines’ family enjoying the Mallorca sunshine; happy Mallorca 312 finishers Paul, Chris with Vines; all day Sunday lunch at the Vines’ Finca; bike and paella dish always at the ready

Mallorca is also known as the island of bread and oil (Pa amb oli). Tomás Graves, the son of the writer and poet Robert Graves (who lived and died on the island and wrote extensively about his love for the place), recalls students who travelled to pay homage to his father being given baskets and told to pick olives while they listened to his creative writing lectures.

Fine building blocks for gastronomy, bread and olive oil show off their provenance

instantly and leave no room for error. The best bread. The best oils.

But these two ingredients have been built upon to grow the island’s tourist economy and in particular the evolution from simple Mediterranean peasant food to the heights of Michelin-starred sophistication while still showcasing the island’s fabulous ingredients.

The island even gave its name to a Puerto Rican sandwich called the Mallorca – the coiled sweet yeasted bread roll so well known on the island is split, filled with ham, egg and cheese, and fried in butter before dusting with icing sugar. Take that, humble sausage roll!

The gourmet element of the cycle tours is key to Vines’ business plan. “The demand is there for cycling and cooking experiences in equal measure,” he says.

“The dynamic culinary scene in Mallorca means we can build food experiences with local chefs, and also add in other disciplines such as nutrition, coaching and specialised

performance techniques.”

From a seaside taberna serving tapas and paella to sea salt-caked holidaymakers to lofty world-class gastronomic temples, the island has 9 Michelin-starred restaurants, and one with the coveted two-star status.

Although broadly Mediterranean, the influences are global, from British chef Marc Fosh’s eponymous restaurant in Palma, to local Adrian Quetglas, who has brought Russian influences back to his Mallorcan roots.

The chef’s table at Santi Taura’s Dins in Lloseta is one of Vines’ favourites, where saddle-sore pedallers can relax over a 14-course degustation menu steeped in Mallorquin authenticity and eloquently presented by the chef with a beautifully curated selection of wines by his brother.

“It’s far from overwhelming in terms of the number of courses but certainly overwhelming with regard to authenticity and the stories behind the food.”

Vines also takes his cycle tourists to Naan Street Food in the edgy Santa Catalina neighbourhood in Palma, which serves a constantly changing range of international dishes from ramen to lobster rolls. “A true reflection of the very cosmopolitan city,” he says.

Along with its reputation for great food the island is becoming renowned for its fine wines too. The industry has grown and evolved in recent decades with lots of investment in modern wineries and equipment to challenge the old stereotypes. There is a wine route focused around Binissalem and six ecological vineyards that produce organic wines.

The Vines family is putting down roots and starting to bear fruit. To paraphrase Doctor Johnson, you don’t have to be tired of life to leave London. Sometimes, life is somewhere else. ¢ Find out more about the Gourmet Cycling Club at www.gourmetcyclingclub.com GOLDIE magazine | 109

Sheltering under the silver tent Francesca Cassini created a community for women over 50 to share their mutual experiences, in doing so she changed her own path and discovered a new role for wise older women

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Why did I decide to create this group? fter a steep emotional descent where I saw my entire life up to the age of 59 as a dismal failure - no career, no children, no husband, no home and no obvious resources - something magical happened. I was gifted a four-week bucket list tour of Peru. Only a few weeks later, I was flying over the Andes on my way to Lake Titicaca, the first stop. I sat next to a woman who had joined the tour from Alaska.

Like me, she was an older woman and I remember having this epiphany moment that maybe, just maybe, we women over 50 are not past our sell by date, even though the mainstream press would have us believe this was a fact. Maybe we still have a powerful role to play in the world. It was a fleeting but life changing thought, which buried its way deep into my psyche. It lay dormant at first - I had just started working as the content writer for a spiritual tour company, and their main demographic was 20 to 30 years my junior.

Spending time in Peru brought my desire to live closer to nature to the surface; as winter approached I moved into an off-grid yurt on a secluded Welsh hillside on my own.

I had no running water, no gas, no plumbing, no electricity and no Wi-Fi, this decision looked crazy from the outside as I needed the Internet for my work. But a pub in the town four miles away gave me the warmth and space to fulfill my obligations, and when I

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was at home in the magical space of the yurt, I learned how to fall in love with the dark, and to surrender to the embrace of nature. I discovered that underneath all my worries and anxieties I was a surprisingly resourceful and courageous woman. I was unlearning the Francesca I had become and was allowing my vital childlike essence to predominate once again.

I left the yurt four months later - after the wildest and wettest winter on record and fantasised about having a plot of land with several secluded yurts to offer to other women over 50. I wanted to see if they could rediscover themselves too. It wasn’t until I was unexpectedly made redundant that this idea of creating something to serve the needs of older women reappeared. It drove the idea to develop a space where older women could let go of mainstream labels and take up the rightful mantle of wise elder women, valid and valuable in society today.

The Silver Tent community was born for women over 50 to gather from all parts of the world and re-discover innate wisdom learned over 5 decades of life experiences. It is an open forum where those women who need to vent their anger and frustration at the world can do so without fear of judgment. I strongly believe that if we are held in an openhearted space this anger can dissipate, like bolts of lightening being safely grounded to earth.

Most importantly it is a place of reflection, growth, and understanding. Filled with u

MARTINA HAMBURGER

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“When we open our hearts to our silver sisters and we become a force of nature.” u laughter as well as tears, pain as well as healing, grief as well as gratitude. It is a vibrant and engaging space where each one of us can ask those questions we can only ask like-hearted women, and find that our experiences and understanding of life are valuable for others.

What did I anticipate would be the response?

I’ve had many projects and business ideas I’ve believed are inspired and always expected them to become hugely successful, but they didn’t. Was this any different? Yes! It was as if I had been waiting all my life for this moment and I was determined this would be founded on conscious co-creative collaboration. I could see the power of introducing women over 50 who had lost a sense of themselves to those women over 50 who knew their path, offering workshops, retreats, live interviews and safe online spaces so that we could all learn from each other. And then as we grew into the women we were designed to be, we could weave our wisdom together and take it out into the world. I expected a real buzz of interest once we launched more visibly online with a summit of interviews with fascinating wise elder women. I thought hundreds or even thousands would rally to the call and we’d be financially thriving in next to no time, developing the philanthropic foundation that will be the fuel for the vision - to effectively take our wisdom and passion out in to the world.

It didn’t happen like that. We set up two Facebook groups - one for free membership and one for those who choose to pay to participate. This payment was often made to support the development of The Silver Tent as I had little to offer initially, but the benefit package has grown tremendously since. But what I didn’t anticipate was the way the community has developed along the ethos I embedded of conscious co-creative collaboration. So, although the free group has 112 | GOLDIE magazine

grown fast and wonderfully it is the group for our paying members that awes me. Although we have fewer members than I expected, the quality of the relationships is greater than I ever imagined. The generosity of spirit and intimacy within this smaller community is beyond words and I watch women grow in confidence every day, challenging themselves to learn new technology along with new ways of thinking and truly becoming wise. We are living the intuitive vision I received almost two years ago - when we open our hearts to our silver sisters and we become a force of nature.

What can we all learn from your way of doing this?

We can learn to create projects and businesses that have a strong vision, trusting that financial requirements will come when needed to serve such an enterprise. We can learn that we can follow our hearts calling, that we don’t need to embrace old business systems and we can create something from our hearts. We can learn that leadership does not have to be from the front and that as leaders we can be gentle and loving, as long as we are clear about our focus. We can learn that intuitive action is often far more effective than strategic action developed to serve the bottom line above all else. We can learn that we don’t need to be the expert to build something from our passion, because people similar to us will be attracted to our project. And we can learn that we are never too old to be a valid and valuable member of our society with gifts worth sharing.

If you were giving a TED talk about the process what would you reveal?

Great question! I would reveal that I allow my vision to dictate the actions steps I take.

Many of us try to find solutions to challenges happening now and so our actions come from ‘here’. But once we anchor ourselves in the vision as if this is our ‘here’, our action steps

come from this energy. It is the difference between running away from what we fear and walking towards that which we love.

Sometimes the paths may be the same, but the energy is vastly different. Having clarity on this end result (the vision) is paramount.

It has been the only way I can tell when something is out of alignment.

Where do you want to go from here?

I would love to take more time to write.

There is a new book in the pipeline. This one will be a compilation of powerful stories from our members, illustrating that we are all extraordinary as well as ordinary. I want to show women that both of these qualities coreside in us.

I’d love to see The Silver Tent develop to its full power, generating the skills, passion and resources to breathe life into a philanthropic foundation in order to fuel the ultimate vision - that of our wise elder women going out into the world to make a difference, to bring about greater balance, to be the ones we have been waiting for. I see us developing our wisdom portals online through Silver Tent Radio and TV so they have true global reach, and simultaneously increasing their demographical reach. We’ll also include a kind of Silver University where we’ll share our courses, workshops and retreats. Silver Tent Publishing will be our route to bringing our written wisdom to the world, covering topics from health and wellness, sex and sensuality, money and business as well as death and dying.

However to bring about real change we need to develop our offline community too by offering meet-ups all around the world and re-igniting our individual passions.

We’re working on creating a network of homeowners with room to spare for those of our ‘silver sisters’ who plan to travel and find a safe space to stay en route. Annual festivals and conferences have been mooted. We’ve already begun the journey towards our first

Silver Co-Housing Community. Through our Silver Co-Operative we’ll buy the first rural property to house women over 50 where we can ‘live wildly and die peacefully’ supported by a multi-generational and gender group of people living closely with land and nature.

This will be a template for others around the world.

Instead of being a burden on society we will live as nature intended. Our stories expressing the wisdom we have learned though life are an essential ingredient in the improvement of the world today.

Has this changed you?

I have not changed at all, but I have allowed myself to become the real me, the one who was in hiding beneath the fabricated persona I created to navigate the world with as little conflict as possible. That layered mask kept

Francesca launched The Silver Tent Community on her 61st birthday in October 2016. In just over a year it grew to number 5000+ womenin their 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s who have have rediscovered their own innate value via the group’s ethos.

Many have left behind lives which no longer serve them and are reconnecting with the joy of life.

Together We Rock!

How one woman is creating a global movement of women over 50

by Francesca Cassini.

Silver Tent Publishing.

ISBN 978-1-9996498-0-7. £10.00

me imprisoned, unable to fully express my imagination and creativity. I have at last stepped up to being a leader and teacher and I love it. I love the me I am revealing to myself.

So many ordinary and extraordinary women have helped me to this point. I am still on my way to the summit of my own personal mountaintop, but at last I feel like I am fulfilling the role I came here to play. I look back over my life and see how every single failure was a perfect stepping-stone. I can see how I have apologised for being who I am, hampered by some strange sense of shame.

But now the colours, hues and textures of me are showing themselves and it is only from this understanding and acknowledgement that I can truly encourage others to reveal their magnificence too. ¢

GOLDIE magazine | 113

Travel in your forties can transform your life Ditching the corporate 9-5 and taking a chance on life on the road was far from easy for Harjit Sohotey-Khan, but the reward was a new outlook on life and a rewarding new career STAGE ONE

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ired, chilled to the bone and short of breath, I looked out across the vast expanse of mountains. In all my 43 years on this earth, I’d never seen beauty so intense that it took my breath away. I was standing some 5400 metres above sea level at the Thorong La mountain pass in the Himalayas. I’d made it to the summit, overwhelmed and emotional, yet strangely empowered. I’d climbed many emotional mountains in my life, but this one was different. This one had healed my soul. The journey through the mountains had put a band-aid on my fears and shown me there was more to life. There was more to me.

Quitting my job had been a difficult decision. Through the excitement, fear reared its ugly head; the fear of letting go and of letting others down, of casting off the responsibilities that tied me down in one way or another to a routine that was safe and familiar.

But I was bored to tears with my job, the soul-destroying commute into work and the daily grind of mundane meetings and rehearsed conversations. So I opted out of conformity and politely rebelled against what most people were conditioned to do. I deviated from a prescribed path that said travel was for the young, that I should have done this a long time ago and it was too late to ditch a career and travel the world at my age. Late seemed to be a common theme for me. I bought a house late. I got married late. Oh, what the hell! I might as well add in travelling before late became too late.

So I let go of the fear and, along with my husband, set off for an adventure around Asia for a year.

Nepal was our first destination, renowned for its epic trekking and cultural diversity. We set off with a guide and a porter across the Annapurna Range. For two weeks we climbed higher into the mountains, acclimatising and taking shelter overnight at quaint tea-houses. We hiked through cascading rice terraces and alpine forests and across suspension bridges that creaked and swayed over thundering gorges that sent your vertigo into overdrive.

And then the mountains came.

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STAGE TWO

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hey rose magnificently into the sky, forcing us to gaze upon them in wonder. Suddenly we felt insignificant - like tiny dots on the landscape of heaven. It was all about them. Their sheer presence took my breath away, the snow shimmering on the peaks like ice white diamonds. At night, the moonlit mountains dominated the star filled skies, cradling the teahouse towns where we rested our weary feet. We would stare at them for hours, honoured to be in their wise presence.

In the Himalayas, every day brought a new life lesson. I learned to keep going no matter what, to move forward and not stand still for too long. At times the climbs were tough so I just put one step in front of the other. I realised my strengths and worked on my weaknesses.I learned it wasn’t just about reaching the summit of the pass, but enjoying the journey, even if it was full of obstacles. After all, it would be those I would remember in the end. The simple, everyday things became hugely important - running water, clean toilets, a hearty meal and interesting conversations with fellow trekkers and the locals who had generous hearts and humbling stories. The nights grew colder the higher we climbed, reaching sub-zero temperatures outside. I’d shiver uncontrollably in my bed, wondering how on earth I would ever warm up. But I never wanted to turn back.I loved every minute.

Most of all, I learned the journey to something truly meaningful is never is easy. It wasn’t just me who was touched by Nepal. My husband felt the same. Invigorated by the experience, we could feel a shift our perspectives. The whole experience started a positive transformation and my last job became a distant unimportant memory. We fell in love with Nepal and its people and so it was with heavy hearts that we dragged ourselves out of the country and moved on. Thailand came and went. Taking the well-trodden backpackers’ path of full moon parties, islands and temples, we flitted from city to city, eating our way through the culture and skilfully navigating planes, trains, songthaews and boats.

We were getting good at this.

STAGE THREE

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yanmar was a joy and an opportunity to witness the innocence of a country just opening itself up to the outside world; our experience of it was very different to the country I read about now. The Temples of Bagan were a sublime step back in time to ancient kingdoms and rural scenes in contrast to the impending modernisation around them. We boarded the infamous trains to be bumped and jolted through the country past glittering temples, stunning pagodas and colonial facades. We finally tore ourselves away to discover other lands.

Travelling wasn’t always the wild abandonment it’s made out to be.

It was tough at times. I loved the anticipation of flying to different destinations where new possibilities hung in the air, but the long journeys, lack of sleep and challenges of different time-zones took their toll. We’d often collapse in a heap on our beds exhausted. Add to that death-defying taxi rides, near misses, falls, huge bugs, skin infections and food poisoning and I’m surprised I didn’t catch the first flight home. I realised I was more tolerant than I’d thought and could handle the ups and downs better than I’d ever imagined.

STAGE FOUR

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y the sixth month, we’d settled into a life of travelling. Apart from family and close friends, there was nothing that I really missed. Home, for now, was the world. I felt I could live anywhere. South-East Asia was vibrant and rich in culture. It was packed with exciting cities, cool hangouts and creative places. There was nothing you couldn’t buy and money bought more here.

We’d got used to the unpredictability of life and, looking back, I think travelling broke a lot of negative behaviours. At home we were used to working and dealing with everyday stresses in a certain way, here all that went out of the window. New patterns of behaviour emerged where we were pushed out of our comfort zones, challenged to see beyond stereotypes, and forced to take risks. It changed our

whole perspective and freed us to just live in the moment.

As our self-awareness grew, along came a deeper understanding of what we wanted in life. With time to think, I’d slowly figured out what I didn’t want, vital for knowing what I did. Suddenly, I realised the universe was dropping hints. Everywhere we went I’d see artisans on handlooms; on the way down from the mountain pass a woman sat by a dirt road weaving yak shawls and throughout the trip, across so many countries,we stumbled on artisan communities weaving their traditions and heritage into beautiful fabrics.

Little did I know then that this would be yet another catalyst to the next chapter of my life.

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STAGE FIVE

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ooking back, I think one of the strangest experiences we had was in Sulawesi, Indonesia, an untamed wilderness surrounded by an avalanche of rice fields, buffaloes, lakes and volcanoes; a fitting prelude to what we were about to witness.

I’d heard the people of Tana Toraja still practiced ancient death ritual, being of a curious mind I was intrigued. Armed with a guide, we did nothing for three days but visit hanging graves where the dead were buried. Bones were sprawled on the floors of caves where broken caskets had released their contents. Lifelike carved effigies of

the dead eerily stood guard. We learned Torajans, in accordance with their belief in the animistic Aluk To Dolo relegion, don’t bury their deceased until they have saved enough money to buy as many buffalo as they could afford to sacrifice and lead them into the afterlife.

We were granted permission by one family to witness the funeral of a woman who had died several years ago and was awaiting burial. As we waited a gong sounded signaling the arrival of more guests. The vibrations reverberated through the trees, primitive, raw and surreal, as the procession walked on led by the husband of the deceased.

STAGE SIX

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uddenly the scene unfolded in front of us. A buffalo was brought into the centre of the courtyard. A man held the knife in the air for a few seconds before skilfully slashing the throat of the unsuspecting buffalo. It reared backwards then stood, shocked, for a second or two before the full extent of the damage took hold: a crimson waterfall. Staggering to one side, it fell with a heavy

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thud – its front legs spasmodically cycling in agony.

Lifting its head to the sky, it let out an almighty sound that ripped through our conscience leaving us stunned and shocked.

You may ask where I’m going with this. For me, it was an example of the power of human belief - whether in a higher power, in someone or something, it’s what drives you to change your life.

STAGE SEVEN

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e completed our journey crossing China and Tibet, ending it at Everest Base Camp and walking over the border back to Nepal where we had started.

Returning home was extremely painful. We felt disconnected from everything and everyone around us. Alienated. Yes, our families and friends were grateful we were back in one piece and they patiently listened to our stories. But no one understood what we had gone through. We had changed, yet everything around us remained the same. It was the biggest most painful anti-climax we had ever experienced.

It took several months to get back to some sort of routine, and a few years to stop crying. I realised the only time I had felt I was truly alive was when I was travelling, which brought with it a consciousness that I’d never experienced before, that of the present. I thought of nothing

but the here and now - not five or ten years down the line. I wasn’t running away from life, but running towards it. There was a definite shift of my mindset towards possibility, a shedding of negative past behaviours and a new zest for life, and a new understanding that to explore this beautiful earth and the people in it was the greatest education and gift you could possibly give yourself.

Now the painful transition is over, I’m more interesting than I ever was in my twenties. My social circle is now on a global scale and I return to hike in Nepal whenever I can. I have no regrets about travelling later in life; the experience of being older empowered me to want to live with purpose and sheer joy. Most of all, I don’t wake up and dread going to work. Remember the artisans I was talking about?

Well I found a new career in ethical, handcrafted luxury fashion.

Do you see? I came full circle. I discovered my meaning to life. ¢ GOLDIE magazine | 117

All change

Creative flexibilty has been a constant driver in Julia Barnickle’s life: it may not have all gone according to plan but she’s happy to take life as it comes.

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n my 39th birthday, my husband and I flew from London to Prague for a day trip and spent the rest of the day avoiding the tour guide and her flock.

When we returned home, late that night, there was an answerphone message for me from a recruitment agency.

A few days earlier, I had attended a job interview for a local company, and the agency had some good news. One month later I started my new job, and after less than three months I was heading to Auckland, New Zealand for an eight-week project, after a week in Sydney, Australia.

I have loved travelling since I spent a month with my German penfriend’s family at the age of 15. Foreign languages were my first passion, and I always dreamed of having a career that combined my language skills with my love of travel.

For a while, that seemed impossible. In the 1980s the attitude in the UK tended to be “everyone speaks English” - which might be OK if you’re buying, but not if you’re trying to sell…

Anyhow, I very soon discovered that my language skills were valuable in Information Technology (IT) - and a few years into my IT career, I found a job which required me to travel to Rome and Madrid on a regular basis.

By the time I turned 39, that role had come to an end, and I was stuck in the UK again. So I applied for a new job.

Although I knew that a project in New Zealand was planned, I didn’t actually want to travel to the other side of the globe. I was acutely claustrophobic and dreaded the thought of being locked in a tin can for 24 hours. European travel was much more in my comfort zone.

But my curiosity outweighed my fear, and I found myself bound for New Zealand (business class, thank goodness). A few

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months later, in the middle of a 6-week business project, my husband and I celebrated my 40th birthday in Hong Kong - something I could never have imagined.

I stayed in that job for 8 years - at least twice as long as any other job. My role was constantly changing and providing new challenges, and I liked the business ethos of the company.

Sadly, following a change of management shortly before my 47th birthday, I was made redundant, when the majority of the IT department’s work was outsourced

“But my curiosity outweighed my fear, and I found myself bound for New Zealand”

to reduce overheads.

By that time, I had been working in IT for 18 years, and I decided that I wanted a change - so I investigated various possibilities for self-employment.

My first thought was property development, because my husband was in the industry and it was an interest we shared. However, I quickly decided that London prices would make the venture too risky.

Instead, I fell back on my skills, applying for training courses in web and teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL which I had wanted to do for 20 years). I also applied for IT jobs, just in case.

The week before my TEFL course was due to start, I was offered an IT consultancy job - which would have been perfect a couple of years before. Although it was a great company, I really didn’t want the job. But, in the end, I said yes - out of fear of not having a viable alternative.

The following morning, the recruitment agency phoned and apologised because the company had withdrawn their offer - the job had been given to someone internally. It’s just as well we weren’t on a video call, because I was jumping for joy!

I never became a TEFL teacher, but I was glad to have done the training. Shortly afterwards, a friend who was a corporate coach encouraged me to try coaching. So I trained to be a life coach and launched my own business just after my 49th birthday.

Over the following 8 years I worked as a life/career/business coach and freelance IT contractor - in between 3 diagnoses of primary breast cancer. I was also in a band with my husband, and helped form a choir, which backed professional singers at breast cancer charity events and on TV. Shortly after my 57th birthday - following a trip to Bratislava to do a talk about introverts in business - I discovered that breast cancer had spread to my spine. After major surgery and chemotherapy, I wanted to have a go at

something creative - but I was afraid of not being able to pay the bills.

That Christmas, my husband gave me an iPhone - even though we had agreed we wouldn’t buy presents for each other. As he handed it to me, he said: “Stop worrying about trying to earn a living, and do something you love.”

After 30 years together, he knew one of my passions was photography. I had also discovered the joy of filming videos of places I visited. So, as I had always worked locally, I decided to spend a sabbatical year joining organised photo walks and discovering London.

I also made films of friends in London and Brighton - talking about their business or demonstrating their art. I enjoyed it and intended to make a business out of it, while continuing to provide online business support for introverts.

A few months later I was in Berlin for

four days, delivering a talk about introverts at a polyglot conference and visiting the city with an old friend. On my return to London, I discovered that secondary breast cancer had spread to my brain and was affecting my balance.

While recovering from radiotherapy, I was unable to leave the house unassisted for over 2 months. During that time, I asked myself: if I were never able to leave the house again, what would I enjoy doing? The answer came back: painting.

I had discovered intuitive painting after the spine surgery. It’s a form of painting that enables me to express emotions without knowing what they are or being able to say how I feel.

For 2 years I painted occasionally and wrote a blog about various creative activities I was trying out. I also went for short walks and photographed the flowers in my neighbourhood. But I desperately wanted to

travel further - and to record my surroundings in film.

Despite all I’ve been through, I’ve been afraid of letting go of who I used to be. Now I’m 61, and cancer is back for a sixth visit, I figure it’s time to boldly move forward and take on new creative challenges.

I’ve started painting again, and I’m creating greeting cards from my art. I’ve also been writing more. These are things I can do even if my energy is low - and when I have more energy, I go out exploring and filming with my iPhone.

I’m letting go of my business roles - and I’m embracing a new role / career as an intuitive artist, writer, photographer and filmmaker.

When I reach my 70s, there might be yet another career change. Who knows? I don’t plan - I just keep Taking Life As It Comes. And I’m grateful to have discovered opportunities to do what I love in my 40s and 50s - and in my 60s.¢ GOLDIE magazine | 119

THE SILVER PSYCHOLOGIST Dr Louise Pendry is a Senior Lecturer in Psychology at the University of Exeter. Over the past 25 years, she has published articles focusing on online communities, stereotyping and prejudice. She’s delighted to be able to combine her academic background with her long-standing personal interest in and (more recently) her lived experience of ageing. She lives in Devon with her family. In her spare time she enjoys writing, country walks, working out, and taking part in activities that help dismantle outdated prescriptive stereotypes about how people ought to age. Louise is on a mission to embrace age and to get the word out that growing older is more than OK.

Tricks for the memory We may not be as sharp as Superagers but we can train the brain and work the body, says Louise Pendry

W

e often hear remarkable stories about people who’ve done their best work in later life. Whether it’s naturalist and broadcaster David Attenborough, now 91, with his astonishing wildlife documentaries, or Laura Ingalls publishing her first ‘Little House on the Prairie’ book aged 65, it’s easy to find examples. Closer to home, my mother-in-law at 81 has a remarkably agile brain, maintaining a challenging career as a French A-level examiner until recently.

Are they anomalies? What are their secrets? Can we all aspire to such cognitive alertness as we age? If so, how? I want to examine how neuroscience is starting to provide answers to these questions.

While most of us experience minor cognitive impairment (MCI) as we age – forgetting where we left our keys or whether we took the pills – some people seem to escape with their faculties remarkably intact.

They are less likely to develop Alzheimer’s.

Such people are termed Superagers. Recently, researchers have begun to study Superagers’ brains to uncover what neurological wizardry allows them to cognitively excel in later life.

In one 2016 study, Lisa Feldman Barrett and colleagues at Northeastern University, Massachusetts used fMRI scanning techniques and found that older participants who performed especially well on mental tests (like memorising a list of words and reproducing it 20 minutes later) seemed to have remarkably youthful brains. More precisely, the brain cortices (the outermost layer of brain cells that are influential in many thinking tasks) were thicker in Superagers than in age-matched non-Superagers. In fact they were almost identical to those of younger control participants. The implication here is that brain size and function were well-

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preserved for Superagers.

Thinking of my own memory struggles, such as searching for the right word or someone’s name, what I most want to know is how I can get to be a Superager. And I’m guessing you might too. Is there anything we can do to stimulate our neural circuitry and stave off further cognitive decline – or is it all too late? The answer is not clear but there are grounds to be cautiously optimistic. While current thinking suggests this ability is in part genetic, certain lifestyle choices may help improve cognitive function. Here are three suggestions you might consider:

Kaufmann and colleagues in 2015 that compared men who were deprived of sleep with those who’d had a good night’s sleep suggests lack of sleep can impair memory and attention. I get that, but our sleep patterns can be compromised by so many factors.

My sleep over the years has regularly been hijacked by kids years ago or menopausal night sweats recently. I know it screws up my cognitive functioning. I also know it’s not always easy to just sleep more. However, there are techniques we can all try to help improve our sleep hygiene and I’ll come back to that another time.

Do aerobic exercise regularly Research suggests this can improve cognitive function even if we are already experiencing MCI (remember what this stands for!). So the ‘It’s too late for me’ argument may not be valid. But you do need to push yourself to feel the benefit. We are not

Meditate A 2014 study by Linda Mah showed that people with MCI who had either mild, moderate or severe anxiety increased their risk of Alzheimer’s by 33 percent, 78 percent and 135 percent respectively. Finding ways to reduce anxiety is sensible. Mindfulness meditation (focusing your attention on the present) has been shown to work well here.

It may also help improve sleep. Furthermore, there’s some evidence that regular meditation can increase the thickness of brain cortices that may help preserve certain brain functions. Researcher Sara Lazar concludes: “…meditation may help slow some aspects of cognitive aging. But… monks and yogis suffer from the same ailments as the rest of us…However, they do claim to enjoy an increased capacity for attention and memory.”

I’m a convert to mindfulness. I try to build it into my daily routine to help with all manner of life’s stressy stuff (phone apps can be quite useful on the go: see Head Space, Calm or Mindfulness).

But what about those brain training apps?

I diligently downloaded Peak a few years ago, reassured by its creators that regular use would ‘leave my mind feeling limber’. I’m ridiculously proud to report that I’ve reached Legend status on some puzzles, possibly

“Can we all aspire to such cognitive alertness as we age? If so, how?” talking about a gentle stroll here but rather, working hard on a treadmill, exercise bike or elliptical trainer. One 2016 study by Laura Baker and colleagues found that older adults (typically from 67) already showing signs of MCI who exercised four times per week for six months experienced an increase in brain volume and better cognitive processes. I’m happy to report a tick in this box now that I’ve managed to shift this sedentary body of mine into a programme of habitual exercise.

Sleep more No surprises here. A study by Tobias

Most of us experience minor cognitive impairment (MCI) as we age – forgetting where we left our keys or whether we took the pills.

the only online game where I’ve passed the first level. Yet curiously, it doesn’t stop me entering a room and wondering what the hell I came in for. In truth there is no hard evidence that using such apps makes any difference. If you want to enhance your cognitive capacities, Feldman-Barrett says, “You must expend enough effort that you feel some ‘yuck’.” Solving a few crossword clues or doing the odd memory puzzle won’t quite cut it.

If this sounds too much like hard work, that’s precisely the point. Giving our brains a serious workout can exhaust us and we often give up. But rather like successful physical exercise, you need to push past the mental pain barrier to build a stronger brain.

Move beyond your cognitive comfort zone.

Superagers routinely do this. My mantra is now: no cognitive pain, no physical pain, no brain gain. Well, I’m working on it.

So whether it’s picking up a musical instrument from your youth (mine’s a trombone) or learning a new language (I’m contemplating Chinese), just do it. Add to that some vigorous physical exercise, enough sleep and definitely regular meditation and maybe you too can be more like a Superager.

I’m optimistic, but for the moment... can you remind me where I left my glasses?¢ Lisa Feldman Barrett is author of How Emotions are Made: The secret Life of the Brain; Laura Baker is a cognitive neuroscientist, Wake Forest University, North Carolina; Tobias Kaufmann specialises in brain imaging and mental health, University of Oslo; Linda Mah is assistant professor of Geriatric Psychiatry, University of Toronto; Sara Lazar is assistant professor in Psychology, Harvard Medical School researching the impact of yoga and meditation on cognitive an behavioural functions.

GOLDIE magazine | 121

LIVE OUT LOUD

Banishing the unacceptable Me, More tips and words of wisdom from our regular columnist Rona Steinberg on finding the Out Loud way to a more fulfilled life

STEPHEN COTTRELL

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Do you even like yourself? ast time we discussed how getting connected to your true self can be the starting point for becoming more Out Loud. But what if having located the Real You, you discover that you don’t like Real You very much?

This is something that I’ve struggled with on and off for a very long time. And is probably why I often go to great lengths to avoid, perhaps even reject Me, especially Unacceptable Me. Usually, when Unacceptable Me pays a visit she brings along one of her best friends, Uncomfortable Feelings. Honestly, I’ll do anything to avoid getting into conversation with her. I might try playing nice to see if that placates her or I’ll be even more of a Good Girl than usual (which often just annoys her).

I might try pushing Uncomfortable Feelings away but she rarely takes the hint. In fact more often than not, she sees this as a cue to provoke me even more.

It seems however hard I try, they both come bouncing back, showing up at the most inconvenient moments. Just when I want to look most Confident Me, there they are, reminding me that I’m not all that confident - particularly when I feel threatened. That’s when they call over Frightened Me who always seems to be hovering somewhere in the background.

Frightened Me and Uncomfortable Feelings love playing dress-up together. One minute they’re looking mildly unsettling, the next outright drama queen. Plus they’re really hyperactive, often up at night disturbing me with their tricks and games.

But most of all – their absolute pièce de résistance - they know exactly how to stop me from doing or achieving what I want.

Getting out of your own way They know which of my buttons to push and they are not afraid (Ha!) to push

or how to be more like You

them. For example, if I have an important training coming up that I’ve confidently and enthusiastically said yes to, moments later I might hear them whisper, “You don’t really want to do that scary, stressy training with that high-level corporate client in that faraway place, do you? Especially …” (and this is the killer), “at your age?”

It’s exactly that kind of talk that calls out Doubtful Me and has me scuttling away, head down, to seek the sanctuary of sofa and tv. Now while I like Poldark as much as the next person, deep down I know that going for lovely swims with Ross forever is never going to be enough for me. Powerful, Ambitious Me wants to do so much more than that with her life.

But how am I supposed to do that with those two harpies hanging around all the time? No wonder I hate and mistrust them so much. Sometimes I wish they’d just go away and find someone else to torment.

Accept yourself But here’s the thing – by wishing they’d go away I’m basically wanting Me to go away too. When you avoid yourself or send parts of yourself to Coventry, try to ignore You, or even stop talking to You, have you noticed how Unacceptable You and Uncomfortable Feelings start playing up even stronger?

Jumping up and down demanding your attention like frustrated children?

Accepting all of you, including the bits that you don’t like very much, is the answer.

This doesn’t mean that you allow those parts more space than they are entitled to, but you do need to get in to relationship with them.

You do need to pay them some attention – just enough so you can hear what they have to say to you.

When I give Frightened Me and Uncomfortable Feelings some real unconditional love and acceptance, I notice that they are frightened too - FOR ME! I know that, deep down, they want me to be fulfilled

Live Out Loud tip If you are struggling to identify Unacceptable You, think about how you would complete this sentence; ‘If only I was less ………………......... (eg frightened, timid, old), I would …………........................... (eg write my book, launch my new business, climb Mount Everest).

If that still feels difficult, perhaps ask a buddy to help you with this investigation. Getting acquainted with Unacceptable You on your own can sometimes feel awkward or even scary. In this case, three doesn’t necessarily mean a crowd, and taking a chaperone on date night might help you relax and get to know you better.

Out Louders, I’d love to know how you are getting on with living more Out Loud. You can email me with your discoveries and insights at rona@outloudcoaching.com and if you are willing, let me know if you’d like me to share them here.

Remember that Living Out Loud takes bravery, and the more we can encourage each other, the bolder and more Out Loud we will become.

but they also want to protect me from all the unknowns and all the risks. I notice how sensitive and intuitive they are and I begin to appreciate that it’s that very sensitivity that helps me to do the work I love. Instead of arguing with them, I include them and acknowledge their worth and wisdom so that they feel seen and appreciated and no longer need to be so noisy and demanding. That’s

when we all start playing nicely together.

Out Louders, it’s time to get friendly with your Unacceptable You and your Uncomfortable Feelings. Get to know them, hang out together, discover what they want to say to you. Try having a relationship with them – you might find you have more in common than you think.

As you become more acquainted, you might even find yourself falling in love.

Allow that love to flourish and grow. The more you accept who you are in all your colours, the more Out Loud you will be.

Accept yourself. Out Loud steps.

Consider: What are some aspects of you that you don’t like or find unacceptable? I have a hunch that you won’t find this question too difficult: like me, you’ve probably got a long list. But maybe start with the one that regularly trips you up, that most annoys or upsets you or seems to get in the way of achieving the things you want – in other words, that provokes your Uncomfortable Feelings.

Ask yourself: What is it exactly about this part of you that you find so unacceptable?

What does unacceptable in this context even mean? Is this only unacceptable to you? Or do your family or friends have a problem with this too? Or society? Whatever it is, now is not the time to judge yourself or them but rather to get curious. Keep asking your questions, and as more answers emerge, open up to the possibility that this aspect of you that has caused you grief in the past may just have something important to tell you.

Try being Out Loud Rather than engaging in an ongoing battle with who you are, get into relationship with ALL of you. Start by introducing Unacceptable You to your family and friends, gradually integrate them in to your life. Especially notice when you might want to hide again and where you are starting to feel uncomfortable. As ever, notice the impact on those around you. ¢ GOLDIE magazine | 123

LIFE LESSONS

Our lives changed forever at 14:35 Sue Wheat shares her extraordinary experience of being her friend’s birth partner

M

y friend Heather will be a great mum.

She’s fun, clever, creative, kind and adventurous.

But without a permanent partner in her life she’d never had the opportunity to have a family. Come her late ‘40s she’d gone through all the options – adoption from the UK or from abroad, sperm donor from friends or unknown donors, and finally, aged 53, she decided on an egg and sperm from unknown donors as she could choose a genetic make-up as close to her Jamaican-British genes as she could find.

We’ve been friends since school, and I just had to be her birth partner.

Joining the 30-something dads-to-be at NCT classes with her, deciding with the consultant midwife on the delivery method, and sharing my own tips from pregnancy and childbirth were all important parts of the process.

1st August was the due date - the day after I returned from holiday. Scarily close, I went straight to Heather’s at midnight, getting up at 6am for the 7.30am appointment. An exceptionally beautiful baby boy was born at 14.35 and our lives changed forever.

I say ‘our lives’ as being a birth partner and then mum and baby’s carer for a week afterwards means I feel especially connected to this gorgeous new life. I look at him and my heart reaches out. When I’m at home I find myself missing him.

Heather’s experience is actually in stark contrast to my own birth experience with my daughter. The staff at St Thomas’s Hospital in London were exceptional. We acquired the most loving, fun and close-knit family, every member of staff putting us at ease, explaining their role and looking genuinely delighted to be there. The main midwife, Olivet – an exceptional character full of warmth and professionalism – was the type of person you’d want in your life forever.

Having been told I could take photos, I held the phone over the curtain across Heather’s

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tummy (separating us from the surgical team), and kept pressing the button without looking for fear of passing out. Amazingly, the photos are an incredible documentation of the birth – bum first (he was breach). Then the baby was crying and I was asked to cut the umbilical chord. He was placed immediately onto Heather for the all-important skin-toskin contact while she was sewn up. Minutes later, she was out of the theatre and a new life was in the world needing feeding, changing, holding and comforting.

I stayed in the hospital for the next five days sleeping on a roll mat on the floor and picking up the baby whenever he cried, day and night, giving him to his mum, comforting him, collecting Heather’s meals, fetching medical assistance, providing emotional support, helping choose a name (Callum) and finally settling her back home on the sixth day. I then became part of a pre-arranged rota of friends and family staying with her 24 hours for the first three weeks.

Callum had tongue-tie which made it very painful for Heather to feed, and took hours rather than the normal 40 minutes or so, resulting in a frustrated baby and bleeding nipples for mum. Despite all the pre-natal information, Heather could not have envisaged just how tired, emotional and practically difficult the whole experience was going to be.

But the secret of single motherhood in later life is definitely to have a support network of people willing to do the everyday things while the mum breastfeeds for hours, cries or sleeps. When my turn came I stayed up late ordering un-thought-about essentials. Thank goodness for online shopping and Ebay.

A Whatsapp group set up by Heather was a perfect way of me sharing info and pictures after the birth and a smaller core Whatsapp group perfect to coordinate the home-help rota, including a student doula. As the African proverb goes, “It takes a whole village to raise a child.”

The challenge, of course, will be maintaining that support network, or creating new ones, throughout Callum’s childhood and adolescence. But for now, technology has enabled this wonderful life to be conceived, delivered, communicated about and supported. But it is of course, the love of a committed mother and her friends and family which will carry this new human through life. Good luck Heather and Callum – we’re all behind you.¢

LIFE LESSONS

You just haven’t met me yet Despite numerous unlucky attempts, Chris Campling explains why he continues to persevere with online dating, and why he’s still looking for lucky woman number eight

A

lbert Einstein said the meaning of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

I have lived my life by this quote, and I prove it every day.

My latest foray into the realms of the seemingly impossible is Internet dating. I have been married twice and I am now 65, but I still believe that someone out there is the right someone for me. I was born to be part of a couple, not just the owner of a very old cat and an interest in cricket that leaves most women either bored or confused or both. So when I write my profile I tend to ignore the cricket. At least until they know me better.

Instead I focus on the things that appear to be most interesting. I’m tall. I have a GSOH (Good Sense of Humour). I read. I like films and music. I’m not in jail. That sort of thing.

It helps that I was a journalist until I retired.

Journalists are like catnip to a particular kind of woman. Mostly the ones who also like to write and wonder if I’m interested in reading their poetry. Incidentally, unless you’re Dorothy Parker, I’m not.

Being of the type who doesn’t go to pubs, hasn’t been to a club since it was called a disco and isn’t convivial enough to join various clubs to meet various women, I’ve been internet dating for a couple years, swapped one site for another and even had the occasional meet. Being carless - as in not owning a car - I tend to go for the women who either live in the same town or just a (short) train journey away. And have a car of their own.

I attach a picture, taken a year ago when I had a tan and looked fairly presentable.

Smiling to show off my dimples. Clean shaven because having a beard makes my look like my dad. Besides, who wants to kiss a man with a beard? Thinking ahead - that’s another motto I live by.

I have, at the time of writing, met dozens of women online and seven of them in the flesh.

The majority decided, after one meeting, that I wasn’t who they were looking for because we didn’t ‘click’. How could they tell? After messaging backwards and forwards for weeks and even talking on the phone for a bit the reality of me was obviously too much.

One of them decided that she would rather go back to the married man who was breaking her heart. I haven’t seen her on the site again.

There have been successes, which is why keep going back for more. My first was a success, for example. We took it slowly - date followed date, kiss followed kiss, I wanted her and vice versa. She lived 40 miles away but had a car and was prepared to drive.

And stay overnight. And sleep with me.

Four cherries on the fruit machine of love.

That ended too. I got greedy. I wanted more from her than she was prepared to give. She had her children to think about and wanted someone closer to home.

Still, onwards and upwards ... Met another woman, didn’t I? Much younger than me, in her fifties. We talked for hours on the internet and the phone and conducted an extremely racy conversation on Facebook so that when we finally met the obvious thing was to go to bed. Which we did. And, after taking time out to recover, went to bed again a couple of days later. And then she dumped me. Too old, apparently.

With Einstein’s aphorism to the fore, I continued. The thing was, I really wasn’t looking for sex per se. I wanted friendship, followed by sex. I found friendship with a very nice woman who is not interested in me in “that way” at all. But we go to the cinema and have coffee and the occasional meal and I like to see her - occasionally - but we never go further than a hug. And it’s not enough.

So back to the dating sites. There are women who want to meet me but they are obviously prostitutes. I mean they have to be. They are all legs and nipples - if you can believe the pictures - and they claim to be 58 when they’re obviously in their thirties.

Besides, they offer more pictures by email where there’s more breast. And they want to borrow money. They mostly say they come from Manchester.

So why do I do it? For the same reason everyone does - because somewhere out there (but no too far) is an attractive, tall, clever, witty someone who just hasn’t found me.

Yet.¢ GOLDIE magazine | 125

LIFE LESSONS

The new what?

I

Nicola Greenbrook reflects on what it means to age authentically when expectations of middle age are constantly shifting

’ve just turned forty.

You may now classify me, officially, as a quadragenarian.

Some would politely describe me as ‘early middle-aged’. The big 4-0! Eighteen with twenty-two years’ experience! Not just forty, but fabulous! I’ve been welcomed jovially into Club 40, a private members’ club of life-experienced revellers I didn’t even know existed.

To be honest, I hadn’t given it much thought. Life has been jam-packed since my husband and I had our precious son two years ago and I’m fortunate to have wonderful family and friends. I recently made a career change and now juggle an HR role in a law firm with freelance writing and parenting, which keeps me in a bit of a bubble.

The days blend into weeks, which fuse into months, and the years, as they say, have rolled by. I wasn’t hugely aware of the new life phase I was entering.

That is, until I jotted down a quick to-do list on the commute a few weeks back.

PEmail council re: bin PBook party DJ PBuy Evan swimming nappies PInvestigate DJ Spoony’s Garage Classical in December PBuy new hose attachment PSort Instagram issue There it was, laid out on a hastily scribbled post-it. Not just a series of tasks to be completed and scored through, but a real-life battle between my twenties, thirties and imminent forties.

Fun stuff like booking tickets for a night with a respected pioneer of the UK Garage music scene (*twenty-year old me emits an excited shriek*) was jostling with quotidian chores like selecting the correct hose attachment to stop the pipe wriggling free and shooting me a face of water every time Evan gestured towards his empty paddling pool. I knew I should notify the council about the stray wheelie bin in our front garden but it was being sharply elbowed out of the way by an impatient need to resolve an Instagram issue so I could keep up with the Millennials and my fellow Gen-X-ers.

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I tweeted my musings and discovered that others relate to a sense of confused age-identity, jumbled obligations and an uncertainty of quite what you’re supposed to do when reaching a ‘certain age’. I knew something had shifted over the past year or so; not a seismic switch, but more a subtle transition to ‘the next life stage’. Suddenly I felt tightly wedged somewhere between a proper grown-up with unavoidable responsibilities and a carefree bacchant.

Could I still be ‘me’ and not be judged? I write for a music magazine, RockShot Mag, so gigging is a perk of the job. I gravitate towards noisy London bars and although boozy, weekend festivals are temporarily on hold, I’ll diligently track down a suitable all-dayer.

Throw me a bottomless brunch or a rooftop session and I’ll catch them with open arms; but could I still do these things authentically? Perhaps clubbing should be relegated to a kitchen disco, avoiding the risk of an older Mum like me looking out of place amongst the youngsters.

Maybe I should just act my age.

The thing is, being an older woman in 2018 isn’t always so peachy.

Staunch believers of age-appropriateness love to preach on social media. Writer Sali Hughes recently observed the treatment of newlysexagenarian Madonna; how people had ‘weirdly obsessed over what [she] chose to do with her own body’ throughout her career, and that critics would ‘slam her wardrobe choices’, ‘mock her Botox and fillers’ and ‘accuse her of desperation’. Nicola Clark, writing for The Guardian, observed a lack of female lead actresses over the age of forty, with lead male actors in their mid-fifties typically paired with actresses in their thirties, and has launched the Acting Your Age campaign to try to redress this.

Should I quietly retreat into the background then? Sort out the hose, abandon Instagram and hand off the bar-hopping baton to the next generation? Thankfully, it’s not all bad. US actress Kathryn Joosten launched her screen career at the age of forty, leading to her big break as West Wing’s Dolores Landingham. Seventy-seven year old Vogue contributor Grace Coddington recently collaborated with Louis Vuitton for the label’s Cruise 2019 Collection. Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell and Christy Turlington all dazzle on the cover of Vogue Paris’ September issue.

So, back to the revelatory to-do list. I’ve realised there’s no need for my twenties, thirties and forties to be warring forces; I’m calling a truce. Life is boundless after all, and reaching a milestone age doesn’t mean acquiescence. Instead, I’m choosing to be part of the ageless generation, a Perennial if you will.

First up, reframing my thinking. I can go to a Garage night like I did in the early 2000s any time I like; but right now I’m choosing one where the DJ joins forces with a 36-piece orchestra because, how amazing is that? I’ll book the tickets on my smartphone whilst dashing to Mothercare for swimming nappies and not feel guilty or absurd for doing so. Paddling pools may no longer serve as a repository for drinks at a BBQ, but seeing my son splash about in one beats any cold beer. I’ll go to the latest bar opening - yes, even as a Mum - and most likely stay past my bedtime; but you can bet your life I’ll be in work early the next morning, developing a career I’ve worked hard to build.

So this is my forty - a brilliant farrago. It’s jumbled and arguably discordant with societal expectations. But I’m OK with that.

I’m proud to be a member of Club 40. The perks, I’ve heard, are fabulous. ¢ Nicola Greenbrook is a freelance music, fashion and lifestyle writer based in East London. www.materialwhirl.co.uk

LIFE LESSONS

Seeing stars: what a treat! was a cataract clanger.

The following month I was sitting in Moorfields with Dawn Sim, the eye surgeon, who also specialised in eye care for diabetics such as me. “Yes, it’s a cataract and we’ll take some scans to check.”

As soon as the technology appeared, I was hooked. It’s the geek in me. I asked the technician “So what’s so different between your scanning machines and the ones at my local hospital?” “About £250,000.”

One week, two eye There were a lot of scans and flashing lights, and I was given the printouts … in operations and glorious Technicolor and very revealing. Not Jayne Gould is taking only did it show the cataract, it also showed up the diabetic damage. You can’t see what in a whole new world this nightmare disease does to you internally, but here was the proof. Eek! ’d started seeing double in one eye last Dawn was astonishingly calming. No September. I’d never had any trouble frills, really good at explaining − she clearly with my eyes, bar having reading and has done a few of these cataract jobbies, but driving glasses for long and short- she reduced my fear and then we talked about distance sight that I associated with apps. Fantastic. the more “mature” designer.

There were more scans and monitoring Carrying my army of glasses before the word “operation” was mentioned. forced me to buy a monster Michael One eye one week, and the second eye the Kors handbag for: the reading glasses, the week after. Phew. reading sunglasses, the driving glasses (with There are more than 330,000 cataract anti-glare for those fierce new headlights), operations performed in England each year the driving sunglasses, a special pair of anti- and it’s estimated that 30 per cent of people glare computer glasses − not forgetting the aged over 65 have a visually impairing Husband’s reading glasses because he doesn’t cataract in one or both eyes. have anything to carry them in. And don’t let I admit I was petrified. Attending art me get started about the man bag. That’s a schools in the 1970s had perhaps given me whole other argument. the worst vision of what this operation could I thought I just needed stronger glasses, I be like. I’d subjected myself to watching must be tired. A quick visit to Boots Opticians nutty indie movies at the Alternative Film hadn’t prepared me for the “c” word …

Society, including the surrealist Un Chien “It looks like you have cataracts.”

Andalou, commonly known as the “eyeball “No, no, no. You don’t understand, I’m just slicing movie”, made by Luis Bunuel “to tired, I don’t see fog or floating clouds in front shock and startle the audience”. Or, in my of my eyes, I’m just blurry in one eye. I’m case, throw up. only 64 for God’s sake.”

Although Dawn had reassured me, and A specialist at the local hospital confirmed I was very confident of her working on me, the cataract, but I still wasn’t believing it. I told her I had to be put out. “It’s only a “No you don’t understand, I can see clearly, 15-minute operation, you won’t feel a thing there’s no fog, just a blur.” with a local anaesthetic.” I mentioned that it “Don’t worry,” he said, “we’ll wait for it to might be in the medical team’s interest if they go foggy before we do anything.” Umm, not put me out, as I would end up fighting them the answer I wanted to hear. through sheer terror. So general anaesthetic As a designer, photographer, videographer, it was. That was a big relief and quelled most my eyes are everything to me but seeing of the anxiety. double made work impossible. I couldn’t tell On the day, as I walked to the pre-med if I was shooting selective focus or if a picture room, I realised how many eye operations

I

were going on in Moorfields’ theatres. It’s a busy place. My anaesthetist and I ventured into a deep discussion about the recent reinvention of Robert Plant. Clearly I wasn’t winning, as I suddenly conked out. There must be something about anaesthetists and heavy metal. The anaesthetist who put me out for my recent gall bladder removal involved me in a healthy discussion about Deep Purple. Go figure.

The operation did take only 15 minutes. It involves ultra-sounding out the old lens, and inserting a new made-to-measure plastic one.

It’s all done with precision laser technology.

Not that I saw any of it. Within minutes I was back in my room, half an hour later I was sitting up in bed eating chicken salad and half an hour after that I left the hospital. That was it. Boom. Done.

I could see in a few minutes . . . sort of . . . a bit disorientated, a bit blurry, but the new eye was definitely different. Everything was so bright, and so blue. Driving back home, though, was cringing. The Husband was gently chauffeuring me but it was the sunniest of days and even with sunglasses, I hid under my cardigan.

By the time we got back, I COULD REALLY SEE!! But hold on . . . the new eye was seeing a blue tone and the old eye was definitely a yellow tone. And the turquoise shirt that the Husband was wearing was now clearly green. My colour values were way out. And my wardrobe was looking distinctly different. I’d given lectures on colour decades ago on how the eye “yellows” and how people wear more blue as they get older to compensate . . . little did I think I’d be one of them!

A friend called . . . “How are you?” “Oh, I have this eye guard on.” “Oh yeah, of course.

I suppose it’s like the collar my dog has when he goes to the vet.” Er, not quite.

The next operation came and went. I really could see clearly now. Jeez, what a difference.

It’s now three weeks later. Although my eyes still need protecting from bright sunlight with sunglasses and big brimmed hats, like the Queen, I have 20/20 vision and I’m using it. Driving at night is a cinch, I can see the walnuts growing on the top of our trees, I can see the kites flying overhead . . . but, most of all, I can see the stars.

It’s a whole new world. ¢ GOLDIE magazine | 127

Yoga I changed my life Lyanlex Bernales’ ‘midlife crisis’ led him to discover yoga, and with it, a way to strengthen both mental and physical fitness no matter the task or environment

¢Yoga trains me to manage my breath, which helps in strengthening the muscles and lessens muscle fatigue. ¢Yoga strengthens my transverse abdominals, also known as my core, giving me better balance and stability. ¢Yoga has taught me to isolate the use of specific muscles in order for them to be more efficient in terms of usage and recovery. ¢Yoga teaches me to endure pain and suffering, may it be physical or mental. ¢Yoga allows me to not start my training from scratch and it allows my body to recover faster.

128 | GOLDIE magazine

want to say that I got into yoga for some noble purpose. But the truth is much more mundane, and is simply that yoga came to me in a sudden gap in my otherwise active life. The other truth is that I am getting older, and maybe more reckless. My wife calls this a midlife crisis.

Allow me to explain.

I started rock climbing in the 90s and that’s all I did. I learned how to surf in the year 2000 and I stopped climbing and just surfed all year. When my wife and I got married in 2007, I was 32 and we moved to Bangkok. No surf in Bangkok.

At the time, my wife was already practicing yoga and I thought that would be a great activity that we could share as a couple.

It was very challenging for me at first because I had never used those “yoga muscles.” First, I would only practice with my wife, and then, eventually, I developed my own practice.

In 2009 we moved to Singapore. No surf in Singapore. By then, I was practicing Hatha Yoga and Vinyasa Yoga every day. I started to work as a commercial photographer in 2010 and freelancing gave me the freedom to develop my yoga practice. Then in 2011, I discovered that there was a surf spot an hour away from Singapore. I remember the first time I paddled out and got my first wave after

not surfing for 3 years. My body remembered surfing and I was still able to move the same way, if not better, than I moved before. After that session I was not as sore as I thought I would be and my body recovered fast. I thought: Maybe it’s the yoga.

In 2013, we moved back to New York, where I signed up as a member of a local yoga studio and I practiced Vinyasa every day and surfed in the summers. Eventually, I added in hiking, and snowshoeing – yoga seemed to give me the freedom to take these things on.

Then I met a physical therapist who reminded me that I was once a good climber.

I was turning 39 then and I kept practicing yoga and surfing during the summer, hiking during fall and winter, and rock climbing as often as I could.

In early 2015 a friend suggested we try a “winter ascent” – basically, mountain climbing in the dead of winter. So naturally he picked the most absurd place for beginners like us to do it. He sent me a video of a winter ascent of Mt. Washington in New Hampshire during white out conditions. His message attached to the video said, “we should do this.” I watched it with wide eyes and immediately said, “Let’s do it.”

We trained long and hard for our ascent – hiking; running; climbing. No matter what my friend suggested, my base was

always different styles of yoga. I tried yin yoga; maintained my Vinyasa practice and remembered the core of the yoga teaching I had learned over the years. Yoga was not merely about physical strength, but mental toughness, and we would need both to get us up Mt. Washington.

We made the attempt on February 13, 2016 - the coldest day of that winter. One mile from the summit the weather went from bad to the very worst conditions we could expect. We did not summit. We were physically wrecked and mentally heartbroken.

In September 2016 after our Mt. Washington disappointment, my friend suddenly suggested running 50K. Of course, I said, “let’s do it.” (I like to think that yoga frees my mind to say “yes.” My wife thinks otherwise). We chose a 50K trail run. I had 6 months to train. I found that running made my joints and muscles tight so I recovered with more yoga. It was a revelation for me – that yoga had yet another purpose in my life.

In January of 2017 we did our 2nd attempt to summit Mt. Washington. We did it. Our first summit. In April 2017 I ran my first Ultra marathon (50K) and crossed the finish line after 8 hours. In June 2017 I participated in my 3rd Spartan Race. In October 2017 I participated in my 2nd Tough Mudder event and also did my first 9pm to 9am rucking

challenge called Go Ruck Tough. In all of these events, training was necessary but more importantly, recovery was a must. Yoga got me through all of it.

In February of 2018 my friend and I tagged 4 summits including Mt. Washington. This expedition took 33 hours dealing with a snow storm and temperatures from 20°F down to 8°F, wind speeds from 20 to 70 mph. (Not to mention 9 hours of it without food and water.

But that’s another story.) In May of 2018 I ran my first 50 miles with total elevation change of 13,700 ft. and crossed the finish line after 13 hours and 49 minutes. In June of 2018 I did my 4th Spartan Race.

Living in New York City, it is easy to lose yourself in the frenzy and say “no” to adventure or to experiences that might enrich you. Yoga has changed me both physically and mentally – taking my 30-something body and making it more adaptable; helping the muscles remember surfing and climbing more easily. And now, as I approach my mid-40s, I am learning that yoga is not just a base for my activities, but also a home for recovery. It has also opened my mind to say “yes” on short notice – to climb mountains; to run races; to do things that raise my wife’s eyebrows…but that also fill our whole family with an incredible sense of accomplishment and pride. ¢

GOLDIE magazine | 129

Sex over 70 – are we the only ones doing it?

Sue Plumtree is well known as The Relationship Coach, who helps the over-50s through one-on-one sessions, writing, public speaking and workshops. Yet something in her own life was not right until met Paul

I

s it OK to have sex if you’re over 60 or even over 70? This vexed question is so often the elephant in the room.

I’ll admit, that it was a question that never particularly bothered me since 1. I hadn’t been in a relationship since I left my 37-year marriage to Jim in 2004 and 2. call me romantic if you like but I never believed in short-term affairs or one-night stands. Besides, I never felt a particular itch that I wanted scratched.

Things changed when I met Paul. Like me, he was 70. I liked him from the beginning but I carried wounds of which I wasn’t even aware. Meeting him brought back old, painful memories of my marriage.

I then developed a new habit. Every time Paul did something nice, I would compare him to Jim and, of course, Paul always came out on top. When I told a friend about this, she said, “Do you always want to keep comparing him to Jim? How about just valuing Paul in his own right?” That was such a good point, I was able to let the habit go straightaway.

In my marriage to Jim I felt unloved, unimportant, unheard and taken for granted.

And very lonely. I finally left aged 60 and, in the 10 years that followed, I rebuilt my life and my friendships. I was happy and fulfilled. More than that, I felt loved. Nothing appeared missing in my life.

Meeting Paul after such a long time living happily on my own was an amazing experience. Here was a man who appeared to tick every box. The more I got to know him, the more my wounds began to heal and the more I was able to let go of my limiting beliefs about myself and relationships.

It didn’t take long for me to start feeling attracted to him – I mean, really attracted.

For the first time in I don’t know how long, I started experiencing sexual feelings.

That’s when I started worrying. I worried about my body. I have scoliosis, which is a curvature of the spine. That means that my

130 | GOLDIE magazine

body is a bit “off-centre”. I worried about my attractiveness, something I’d never felt sure about. I worried that I hadn’t had a sexual relationship in more than a decade – including the last years of my marriage. I worried about vaginal dryness and lots more.

As I learnt later, Paul worried to; he’d had his share of troubled relationships. But things did change. As we gradually grew emotionally closer, I began to feel safe enough to allow myself to be seen and, slowly, so did he - although it caused him some anxiety.

Very early on in our relationship he told me that he worried that, if he shared some of his past experiences, it might change the view I had of him. My reply was, “There isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell I will change my mind about you. I’m deeply ‘in-like’ with you.”

“ When I began to have sexual feelings towards him I was terrified” But I too struggled with opening myself up to him. For someone who’d been a peoplepleaser all of my adult life, used to hiding behind a raft of socially acceptable masks, this felt incredibly scary.

I remember our very first meeting. I’d been focusing on asking him all kinds of questions not only because I was genuinely interested in him but also to deflect attention.

My past experience with men had been that either they weren’t particularly interested or they asked me a question such as “Tell me about yourself” that made me feel as if I was in a job interview.

But Paul took a different approach. After answering my questions he said, “I know what you’re doing. You’ve been asking me

all sorts of questions but haven’t told me anything about yourself” and went on to ask me a really good question. Normally with men, I’d answer fairly superficially; I would give my true answer only to women friends.

But this time I made a conscious decision to take the risk.

That set the tone of our relationship, although I didn’t realise it at the time. I think it was because I was the one who set the tone that Paul felt able to follow my example. We gradually got to know each other better. It was like peeling an onion, discarding layer after layer, slowly getting to the core, a process that continues to this day.

When I began to have sexual feelings towards him I was terrified, first because I hadn’t experienced any in what seemed like for ever, but also because I wasn’t sure if my feelings were reciprocated.

In the end, I thought “Sod It!”. We were at my place and I felt the timing was right, even though for me that was a huge step. It had been a very long time since I last made love with a man. Actually, I might go as far as saying that I never really made love. Yes, I did have sex but I don’t think I ever really made love.

I knew the subject would come up sooner or later. But I wanted it to be sooner rather than later so, as risky as it felt, I decided to go for it. “Paul, I want you to come to bed with me,” I said.

But I didn’t drag him with me to the bedroom. Instead we first shared how we felt. He felt a tad nervous and a bit shy, not having had sex in many years. I admitted to lacking confidence in my body and, like him, not having had sex in nearly 20 years. Joking about being “newbies” inserted some lightheartedness, which helped.

Given that neither one of us had had sex in many years, safe sex wasn’t an issue and we’d both read articles about sex in later life. Though these articles were helpful up to a point, I noticed that they tended to have

Sue and Paul love saying nice, loving even sexy things to each other

a reassuring tone, as if they were trying to convince men who have difficulty getting and maintaining an erection not to worry too much as it would undermine their confidence, a tone not dissimilar to “there, there”.

Those same articles went on to reassure men that there were other ways to find sexual fulfilment apart from penetrative sex, although I felt that there was a hint that those other ways were a bit second best.

I believe men are still performance-driven, so inability to have an erection tends to be interpreted by them as a clear sign of failure which tends to make them retreat within themselves and refuse to discuss it with their partner.

For her part, she may feel rejected and unattractive – both because of the physical signs of ageing and her partner’s reaction.

She might believe that his inability to get an erection means she’s unattractive and so the gulf widens.

I used to hear women complain that they sometimes wanted a hug from their

partner, an expression of tenderness, but they didn’t dare take the initiative because, they complained, the husband tended to misinterpret the gesture as wanting sex.

But, if you find yourself in a situation where you, as the man, cannot have an erection, instead of imagining this to be the end of your sex life – or even your life as you knew it until then, you can take a leaf out of the Kama Sutra or even The Joy of Sex which offer a wide repertoire of erotic moves limited only by your imagination. Sadly, this is often regarded as foreplay to get the woman ready for sex but certainly not the real thing.

In the beginning, Paul felt anxious. I felt it was up to me to show him how I felt about his body (which I love). As we became familiar with each other’s bodies, Paul and I discovered that, far from non-penetrative sex being a second-best experience, the reality was vastly different. Paul says it is “making love lovingly”. And that’s exactly what making love with him feels like.

We can’t keep our hands off each other

(present tense) – well, I certainly can’t (an ongoing joke between us).

Outside of bed there is a lot of touching – a loving hug, an unexpected tickle that makes us burst out laughing, a quick cuddle, a look that tells me he sees me as a beautiful woman all of which means that, come bed time, we’re open for more sensual touching.

I used to think we’re definitely not your normal older couple but I recently have been talking to a friend who is in her middle sixties. She has recently started a new relationship and feels as I do. Fortunately, so does her partner.

But she too took a risk. This is the story she told me: “When we met, I felt really attracted to him. Eventually I, like you, took the initiative and we made wonderful love.

Because he was in his early eighties, he didn’t get an erection but it was the best lovemaking I have ever experienced. Imagine if he’d been too insecure about not being able to ‘perform’ and had, politely of course, turned down my invitation. I would have taken it very personally, not knowing what was going on with him.”

Paul and I may not be unique but I imagine we’re still in a minority. Of course, I can’t be certain because sex in later life remains the proverbial elephant in the room. Everybody’s pretending it’s not really there.

I’ve been blogging about my relationship with Paul for a couple of years now but, until now, I’ve been studiously avoiding talking about our sex life. It took a friend to point out that love-making is the icing on the cake that bonds us as a couple. As my friend says, lovemaking is so much more than sex. One of the lovely things about it is that it doesn’t take place exclusively in the bedroom.

Paul and I love saying nice, loving even sexy things to each other, eg “You’re so beautiful!” (yes, even after nearly three years), “You’ve got such a lovely smile!”, “I love your body” (I had trouble believing him at first) and so on.

A favourite of mine is telling him “I’m potty about your botty!” to which he replies, “You’re insatiable!” (what can I say…) and we both crease up with laughter. It tells us we’re seen, noticed and appreciated as well as seen as sexy and attractive despite our age.

I can’t imagine looking at any man when my own looks at me with love and desire.

Everything is built on a strong foundation of liking, trust, curiosity, acceptance and genuine listening.

For me the elephant in the room has been well and truly given the boot. ¢ Sue Plumtree’s latest book, Open Your Heart: The 7 secrets of strong and loving relationships, is available on Amazon Details of Sue’s life and work can be found on her website, sueplumtree.com

GOLDIE magazine | 131

Astrology is the new therapy Jayne Gould introduces our new Astrologer Jennifer Angel

‘‘M

ysticism is great, but you have to have information in straight talk so you can understand it,” Jennifer says.

“The days of reading astrological charts as a generalisation have gone. People want to know about themselves in depth, which quite frankly, takes me hours, even days, to unravel a person’s chart. But it’s developed into a new therapy for people who want to know why they do the things they do?”

“Certain planets and their positions tell me how you behave. For instance, when I look at the position of the Moon when you were born, I can tell how you behave emotionally. Your sun sign, Libra, Virgo, etc – tells me about your character – but it’s your rising sign that shows me the complex layers within your personality and how you show them to the world.”

By this time I’m trying to keep up with Angel’s explanation of astrology and realising if it’s that technical do I really want to know about how my charts translation that will determine my traits and behaviour?

“The rising sign also sets more layers of complexity in your personality by establishing your House system,” she continues, “where each sign of the zodiac positioned in your chart represent different areas in you life - money career, love, family. That’s why astrologers are so neurotic about getting the exact time.

Even minutes can make a difference if a planet is moving around.”

“Of course, then there’s the transits, the orbits, the planets interactions.…” Of course, who could forget the transits?

132 | GOLDIE magazine

I feel Angel would be more at home speaking to an astronaut, or even an astro nut. But how does all this help me?

“I can tell you the type of person who is best for you to collaborate with in business.”

OK, she’s got me now…and?

“I can tell you how you operate with money, how to create your code of success, where you are comfortable, what areas you compromise on and which are non negotiable for you. And I can look at compatibility – what type of person you are best suited to. All I have to know is which areas of concern you want to know about, and I start focusing on those. ”

Everyone wants to know about compatibility but does that “opposites attract” really work?

“Sure they do, but the whole opposite/ attract thing depends on how evolved you are in yourself, how much self-work have you done? How well do you know yourself?

Opposites attract because you both provide something to each other that the other person doesn’t have, and that’s a very powerful connection between people but, only if you recognise it. If you can’t you’ll be tearing each other’s throats out the whole time.”

I’m beginning to get the therapy idea now, and I am fascinated.

But what about the next few months surely some planet pinging around the galaxy will affect me then?

“Right now, there’s a gravitational pull.

It’s all energy and it’s a very intense time.

People are starting to feel uncomfortable because of the recent eclipse; it will create change that moves you out of your comfort zone. Some people are born leaders, make

changes and move forward all the while.

Some people plod along, because they don’t like that level of change, but then you might get caught in the crossfire of actions from other people – it’s uncomfortable and challenging, but we can also see it as it being empowering. Theses periods will affect different people in different ways, and this is where the personal chart comes in.

The power of the information will give you knowledge, insight and personal growth.”

And we all want to keep growing whatever our age, right?

“The whole family thing comes up in a personal chart too, people think at our age we don’t have to deal with any of those past issues, not true, we’re still dealing with family problems or remembering our upbringing on intensely personal levels. For some of us, we’re finding we are still dealing with – or trying to shrug off – certain ingrained problems. People think when they get to our age that life is over, but we’re still on our journey. When we were 19, we think we’ll have it all together by the time we’re 49 or 59… but it is still on going.”

Angel horoscopes appearing in GOLDIE magazine will be a general overview featuring potential wake-up calls, how to make use of the power from certain panels, when to indulge, what to pay attention to and of course relationships.

She’s also offering a massive 25% discount off personal chart readings for Goldie readers.

HOROSCOPES

By Jennifer Angel

^ ARIES

d LIBRA

Collaborate with a friend to cash in on a money opportunity.

But be smart, don’t just do business with a handshake - get it in writing. There’s abundant energy thanks to Jupiter which encourages you to dream, so dream big! This is your time.

Decide to be bold and live large!

You’ve worked hard, Libra, so it’s OK to be selfish and indulgent - you’ve earned it! Focus on your own needs to realise you can’t please all people all of the time. There’s a new start, take it and don’t look back. But do the research - you can never know too much.

_ TAURUS

e SCORPIO

As the Goddess Venus is the ruler of your sign, love is never far away from your mind. Spruce up your image and your attraction power will double! And as Jupiter, the planet of honesty, makes a move, refuse to play silly mind games and say exactly what’s on your mind.

Pay attention to your financial affairs. Make sure you talk to someone who has been successful with their own money. The right advice can make all the difference. There is going to be movement at home and in the family - for you to stay on top, you’ll need to keep control.

MARCH 21-APRIL 19

APRIL 20-MAY 20

` GEMINI MAY 21-JUNE 20

Is it a lover, your attitude or a situation that’s not working?

Change it. Stand up and demand the best for yourself – you deserve it! Of course, life does come with its compromises, but you have a chance now to live high and realise a dream – go for it.

a CANCER JUNE 21-JULY 22

Don’t let the challenge of living hold you back. A cozy balanced life is enjoyable, but you have so much to offer, you need to step out of your comfort zone. Allow life to get messy, it will empower you. Regarding money - focus on investments, make sure your cash works hard for you

b LEO

JULY 23-AUGUST 22

A chance meeting can take your heart by surprise. With passionate planet Mars on the scene, keep an open mind and heart. Nothing is out of the realms of possibility – be positive, it’s the key to success. Family are supportive but don’t let them become intensely interfering.

c VIRGO

AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22

Expect to be busy! You’re going be productive, so get organised.

Reschedule or cancel meetings or projects that are not high priority - don’t entertain gossips and time-wasters. Family gatherings can be fun, but last-minute changes are possible, be flexible with an open mind.

SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22

OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21

f SAGITTARIUS NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21

Abundant planet Jupiter moves to your sign which means you can make a difference in your life now - don’t stop yourself, this is your year to be the brightest star! Block out negative newsbearers and focus on the positive. Live the dream, speak your truth and go for gold.

g CAPRICORN DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19

Live with purpose. Think big, dream big and don’t settle.

Visualise what you want, devise a plan to get it and put massive amounts of action towards making it happen - and it will. Don’t get caught up in people’s drama. And if you are smart with money, you can come out pretty well.

h AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18)

Life is hectic, but others don’t have the same sense of urgency, which can be annoying. Be careful of what you say and how as the impulsive planet Mars’ can make you aggressive. New friends replace those people who don’t get who you are.

Welcome the new, say goodbye to the old.

i PISCES

FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20

Jupiter, the beneficiary planet, presents options for business and money. Watch for coincidences and serendipity. You can be in the right place at the right time to take advantage of on an exciting opportunity. A soul connection with someone might change your life.

Are you missing out on a life you don’t know about?

Jennifer Angel, New York’s most well-known astrologer, is offering personal readings for Goldie readers via Skype at a discount of 25%. Her readings provide insight and guidance on any issues or concerns you may have. There are different types of readings to choose from at JenniferAngel.com - insert the code GOLDIE at the checkout for your 25% discount.

GOLDIE magazine | 133

PUB TALK

Slings & I arrows Andrew Harvey reports

t must have been the archery that did it. No arrows of desire in that marriage, as Jim had so often reminded us. Trouble was Robert took it so deadly seriously. That hi-tech bow cost him hundreds and then there were all the other bits and pieces of kit he was always forking out for. Seen him two or three times a week dressed like a cyber warrior. Did you know he had private tuition? He was in another world; couldn’t decide if he was Robin Hood or one of Henry V’s archers at Agincourt.

The news that Robert’s wife had left him sparked plenty of smug theories but didn’t exactly provoke seismic shock waves at the White Swan. We are, after all, men (mostly) of the world and wise with it. Unshockable in matters of human frailty, sexual misdemeanor, political failure, greed and financial swindle. The last time we were caught out was when a badger chewed up the greenery in Philip’s back garden. Urban foxes are one thing, but urban badgers… won’t be long before we get wild boar.

‘I feel sorry for the bloke,’ said Felix the biker whose idea of a good weekend is a 200-mile outing with his black leather mates. ‘What’s wrong with having an interest, something that gets you away from the wife for a bit?’

‘You go a long way for a bit.’ Jim smirked, titters all round.

But it struck me that if you overlooked his old fashioned attitude Felix had touched on a dilemma that all relationships have to resolve sooner or later. If partners share common interests whether it’s bridge or ten pin, that’s fine. But what if they don’t. What if she likes the gym and he doesn’t. He plays golf and she doesn’t.

‘Maybe it’s healthy to do different things with a different set of people,’ I suggested. ‘Look at the world through other people’s eyes.

Could be refreshing.’ No one picked that one up.

‘Robert and Sheila were never going to last. Couldn’t see what she saw in him,’ said Richard. ‘He’s a grumpy sod.’

‘Yeah but if he was out all the time hunting bull’s-eyes that should have made things better,’ said Philip. ‘Less time to get on each other’s tits.’

‘Just give me half a chance,’ said Fat Tony, the recent widower. ‘That Sheila, a full and fine figure...’

‘Well, now’s your chance, said Jim. ‘Just make sure there’s no arrows sticking out of your pocket.’

From the serving side of the bar Sharon called the group to order.

‘The thing is that none of you numbskulls knows how to treat a woman. You get married but you still like to behave as if your choices are the only ones that matter.’

‘Hey, that’s a bit strong Sharon. You didn’t do so well as a housewife,’ remonstrated Fat Tony recalling the barmaid’s fiery bust-up with Dave a few years back.

Brushing that aside, Sharon continued. ‘Just look at you lot, there’s scarcely a proper husband between you.’

She had a point. Among the regulars, two are openly gay, one is still in the closet, three are divorced and two widowed. Sam’s wife we almost never see as she has banned herself on the grounds that no woman of culture should be seen dead in such a dump and Jack has such a long leash that he’s probably in the pub more often than anyone else. But you should see him go into attentive overdrive when Hazel does put in an appearance. Felix, for all his unreconstructed bombast, recently married for the second time and in truth, we see him less often.

They can all turn out for tennis, fishing, cards, tapas lunches, pasta evenings or long meandering Sunday afternoons at the bar because they don’t have to negotiate times out with a partner. And now it looks as if Robert will be free to fire his arrows as often as he likes. Might even get in the team.¢

“Just look at you lot, there’s scarcely a proper husband between you”

134 | GOLDIE magazine

WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?

Ask Sharon I’m an accredited and registered psychotherapist with over 30 years’ experience. I’m a trainer, spiritual warrior and author of the bestselling book ‘Bounce Back from Depression – The No Nonsense Guide to Recovery.’ However big or small, your

Q

problem is significant to me; you’ll do me a favour by asking about it. Helping you reclaim some of your power and potential through sorting your problem helps me live my professional purpose out loud. A win-win for us both.

I’m at my wits end. I’m feeling lost, bewildered and can’t believe my life has ended up as it has.

I’m now in my fifties and yet another relationship has ended badly. My partner was charming and caring at first but over time I found myself having to give in to what he wanted all the time. Otherwise there’d be tension and arguments and I just couldn’t bear the stress. He also became demanding, critical and undermining so that I felt I was going mad sometimes.

I was very depressed. I was also very scared to end it with him but eventually plucked up enough courage.

How can I stop falling for men like this? My friends say I’d stop if I loved myself but how I do that when I feel so bad?

A

A huge and womanly hug of appreciation for ending your abusive relationship however long it took. Respect! And, even though you initiated the break up, it’s not unusual to feel lost and bewildered as you confront a different and stand alone life.

What concerns me is that you’re not a virgin to abusive relationships. It’s as if you’ve got a metaphorical neon sign on your forehead saying ‘Come and get me!’ How much more stick can you take, woman? I’m hoping you’ve reached saturation point.

More of that later.

I want to puke whenever I hear of well meaning friends telling you the panacea for all your ills is to ‘love yourself.’ Given how you feel, it’s like you’re standing at the bottom of Mount Everest and they’re asking you to get to the top in one humungous leap.

They’re pointing in the right direction but a) whatever’s seduced you into these relationships is far more complex than not loving yourself and b) their ‘ask’ is unrealistic and impossible. All you need right now is to feel a failure for not being able to create their abracadabra solution!

So here’s the thing. An incremental move toward a more positive feeling than at present is the first baby step to self love and appreciation.

So, given your triumph in ending things, I wonder if your baby step could be the feeling equivalent to ‘a pat on the back.’

When you think of what it took for you to extricate yourself, how do you feel? A little proud? A little admiration? A little warm glow?

NO, NO... DO NOT beat yourself up over the time it took. Some people never get there. You did and that’s a loving act of self-care.

Ooops... Let the cat out of the bag. Just when you thought you had no self love, I’m pointing out you have even if it’s just a smidgeon. A smidgeon is an excellent place on which to build.

Decades ago when I got dumped, I joined a short build-your-selfesteem course. Given my profession, the trainers were concerned it

would be too basic for me. Believe me, when you feel like doo-doo, nothing is too basic for you!

It’s usually helpful to be with people in the same boat feeling-wise when you support each other to recover, grow and move on. It’s not helpful when it’s just a pity party with no action.

Now, let’s get down to how come you fall for men like this. We forget that humans are animals. And just like you can train a dog to carry out certain behaviours, we get trained similarly.

Perhaps the type of relationship you keep repeating is the same as that of your parents. Perhaps what happened to you early in life trained you to be highly compliant or a ‘victim.’ In which case you’re ripe to be abused BUT you can change the metaphorical neon sign.

Don’t believe anyone who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. You can! I’ve worked with people in their eighties who’ve created positive beliefs and habits to replace distressing old ones. So, in your fifties, you’re just a spring chicken.

There’s a link below to find therapists in your area if that’s what you want to do. Interview several of them by telephone so you get a flavour of what’s on offer. Then choose to have an initial session with whomever you’re most comfortable.

How can you stop falling for men like this? JUST STOP! I don’t want to hear, ‘But I can’t help myself sob-sob.’ Grab your divine feminine cajones and CHOOSE. However much you fancy the pants off him, just don’t go there.

Unless, of course, you’re addicted to the drama of your relationship shtick and the ooomphy adrenalin it pumps round your body. In that case, it’s a whole other story. AND... You can still say NO! You are not at the mercy of your conditioning and history, even if you think you are. With some hot shit help you can ensure abusive relationships are no longer your thing. Go get it, woman!

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy www.bacp.co.uk/ Click on link for ‘Therapist Directory’

Find me at www.daretobeyouuk.com and www.facebook.com/sharoneden.biz Email:sharon.eden@goldiemag.co.uk GOLDIE magazine | 135

Let’s talk about death

F

or the first six months, we managed to focus only on the positives, because the doctors gave a reasonable prognosis as long as all the cancer in his stomach was cleared after an operation. Despite 50:50 success rates, we made the blithe assumption that this would be a cancer scare, Philip would have the chemo, the op, and more chemo – and then he’d be okay again.

It didn’t happen like that. The cancer was not all removed. The surgeon apologised as we looked at him with shock-filled faces.

“A wide margin was taken out around the source of the cancer, but the biopsy has shown minute traces of it elsewhere. I can’t recommend another operation; your body will not be able to stand it.”

“So, what do we do?” I asked, bluntly.

“Go home, recover as best as possible, and buy some time with more chemotherapy”.

He must have known that Philip’s chances of survival had suddenly changed from 50:50 to about five per cent. We didn’t, though.

Because that’s the thing. You are alive right up until the moment when you are not.

Philip was actually feeling fine after the operation. Although this only lasted for a few weeks, for that time, we lived as normal a life as we could. It’s very hard to not do so when someone appears to be in good health. It

136 | GOLDIE magazine

How do you bring up ‘it’ when someone is coming close to the end of their life?

Jane Duncan Rogers had to rise to the challenge when her husband was diagnosed with cancer in 2010

didn’t take long for things to change. It began with him not being able to swallow, but still, life went on; laughter happened, and the small things of daily living continued to provoke, to stimulate and to provide enjoyment.

One day, I received an email from a close friend in America. In it she had included a long list of questions she insisted I ask Philip before he died. Included on the list were: “Do you want to be buried or cremated?”

“Does your partner know your usernames and passwords?” and “Who would you like around you as you die?” Neither of us wanted to address them, but after another couple of insistent emails, one Saturday morning I said to Philip, “Come on, we’re going to do these questions now.” He was reluctant, but, lying in bed with me, laptop at the ready, he didn’t have a chance. “It’s going to make a huge difference to me in the future, darling, and besides, Barbara will just nag us if we don’t.”

“Yeah, all right then.”

Poor Philip – for a man afraid of dying, (which he was) this was an amazing act of courage, another step in the acceptance of what was happening. We began at the beginning, and continued until the end, noticing that we were actually enjoying it – how strange! In those two hours, I asked him the questions, and he gave me his answers.

There were all kinds, from the most basic such as “What kind of coffin do you want?” to which he replied, “Any old box will do,” to

more sensitive ones, such as “Are there any of your personal items you would like to leave to anyone in particular?” This one we discussed in much more detail. It was tough; these are difficult questions to ask of somebody who knows he is going to be dying sooner rather than later.

The strange thing is, we not only felt a great sense of achievement afterwards, but were very close, connected and loving for the rest of that weekend. Who would have thought that? Despite the subject matter, we ended up having a couple of hours of slightly macabre enjoyment together. Later, we referred to that time as our last project together.

Looking back now, I am eternally grateful that we had the courage to talk about this.

On a practical level, the answers helped me enormously after he died, as well as bringing me considerable comfort, knowing we had discussed it all together. This would not have happened if I hadn’t broached the subject, and in order to do that I needed the nudges from our friend, I needed to gird my loins and take charge, and I needed Philip to be open to answering the questions. He was still very much alive, although ill, and there was indeed something very poignant and tender about that morning together. I hold it now in my heart as one of my cherished memories.

So how do you start a conversation like this when someone is dying? Or even just an abstract conversation about death? Neither

are easy in a society where talking about the ‘d’ word is almost taboo.

What I’ve realised is that a structure, such as we had with the questions, really helps.

Perhaps that’s why Death Cafes, where people meet to talk about anything to do with death while having a cup of tea/coffee and cake (the cake is essential!), are becoming increasingly popular. It may also be easier to broach the subject in a group of people that you don’t know, rather than in your family where emotions can run high.

The death of a celebrity can also provide a great opportunity to reflect on the manner in which it happened, and what you thought of the funeral or other celebration of life. It would be quite normal to say: “that’s made me think about what I would like when I go; what would you like to have happen?” When a context is provided, these topics can be tackled more easily.

Most importantly, being prepared (see box) will help you yourself become more at ease with this subject, and that in turn will transfer to the other person.

Once you have begun this kind of talk, it can easily be continued at other relevant opportunities. You might even be surprised, as we were, at how it can bring relief and connection. ¢

Preparing for the D word Whatever way you choose to talk about death, it helps to consider these three points first:

1

Why do you want to talk about death? What exactly is important to you, and what do you want to know? If you have answered these for yourself, then when the opportunity to talk with someone else arises, you will be prepared.

Where might you talk about it?

Location is important – a busy restaurant may not be the best place.

But over a quiet meal, while out on a walk, or in the midst of doing a creative project together are all situation where you can be otherwise occupied while you have this important conversation.

What words might you use?

How do you actually start the conversation – and keep it going?

2 3

One example is above, but you could also use these as starting points: ¢ Since ___ died, I’ve been thinking about life and death a lot. How do you feel about it? ¢ What do you think happens after you die? ¢ Do you know what you want for your funeral? ¢ I have some legal matters to sort out, and I need to find a power of attorney. Would you be willing to talk about this with me? ¢ I need to think about my future and I also need someone to help me just talk it through. Would you be willing to do that? ¢ Are there any particular milestones you would like to meet? (Eg an 80th birthday, a grandchild’s graduation, etc.) This is especially useful if the person is terminally ill.

Award-winning coach Jane Duncan Rogers runs a not-for-profit Before I Go Solutions offering courses and products dedicated to enabling people to create good end-of-life plans. She is author of several books, the latest being Before I Go: The Essential Guide to Creating A Good End of Life Plan. Find out how prepared you are for your own end of life by taking the free quiz ‘How Prepared Are You?’ at www.beforeigosolutions.com GOLDIE magazine | 137

SIGNING OFF

Andrew Brown Daily Telegraph obituaries editor.

Previously the Sunday Telegraph’s comment editor, with some years at the Catholic Herald. Early on his career Andrew contributed obituaries of 1970s TV Stars to The Times How do you want your death announced – The Telegraph or Twitter?

Neither. I hope anyone who was interested might quietly pick it up on the grapevine. I do not like Twitter. People would probably use my announcement as an excuse to have a vicious argument about Brexit or immigration, even though neither of those issues have anything to do with me. This is what “trolls” sometimes do under the online versions of our obituaries (as well as pouncing with acid sarcasm on anything they think is a mistake). But they must be ashamed, otherwise they wouldn’t hide behind made-up names. The commenters who use real names often contribute fascinating recollections about the subject of the obituary.

Cremation or burial? Religious service or gong bath?

My friend and obits desk colleague Chris Maume suggests a funeral pyre might be a good idea. If so, I’m sure my wife would jump enthusiastically on to the pyre after me, as in the ancient Indian ritual of suttee. But I haven’t yet broached the subject with her.

Who’s on the guest list? Anyone you’re hoping won’t turn up?

I’d hope office psychopaths would stay away.

(And psychopaths generally.)

How would you like to be remembered?

As a truly great guy and one of the giants of journalism.

Tea and biscuits or Jager bombs all round?

Alcohol would be essential for the necessary atmosphere of out-of-control jollity and stirring of deliriously happy memories. A nice drop of the cup that cheers, but nothing cheap and headache-inducing. I’d discourage grieving guests from taking tranquillisers at the same time in case of mishaps. We wouldn’t want Valentino-style mass hysteria.

Dress code?

Come dressed as your favourite Telegraph obituary subject.

ANDREW CROWLEY

Last musical requests.

All the music would be by Elvis Presley. The eery Sun Studios recording of Blue Moon would be one. For the rest, you’d want the

mourners to be appropriately maudlin so I’d plunder the King’s extensive catalogue of country weepers from the Seventies, such as the epic Hurt (“Aaaah’mmmmm sooooooo Huu-uuu-uuuuurt!”), and his lush, heart-rending version of Roger Whittaker’s The Last Farewell, and of Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain, which Elvis sang to his own piano accompaniment in Graceland on the last night of his life. He also decided to pop out and visit his dentist for a checkup in the early hours of the morning, as you do. As he drove out of the gates, in dark glasses and his customary off-duty crushed-velvet jogging suit, a fan took a snapshot of him and he waved. It is the last known photo of the King in life. The Telegraph didn’t have a regular obits page back in 1977, and broadsheets in those days were surprisingly snooty about the amount of frontpage coverage they’d devote to a mere legend of popular music.

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