Cookbookwithcover by Rachelle Chevrin

Miss Mikey’s Cookbook Let’s Talk About It. 3

Miss Mikey and the Let’s Talk About It slogan are both properties of Michael Lamb and may not be used or reproduced in its entirety or likeness without written permission. All right’s reserved.

Designed and Published by Rachelle Ford

Manufactured in the United States

1 5 1 2 0 1 5 5 6 3 ISBN-13: 978-1512015560

For Kerman RIP

Table of Contents Acknowledgement

Prologue

Poems Intake

Dear Kerman

Let’s Talk about it

The Cycle of Transmission

Story of a Statistic

Kanye Would Do It

I’m a Witness

Dear Old me

Epilogue

Bread Crumbs Bread Crumbs part 1

Bread Crumbs part 2

75 7

Acknowledgements Ladies, gentlemen, boys, girls, tops, bottoms, transgendered, and anyone or anything that has a heart rate, HOW THE HELL ARE YOU? As I sit here giving you basically the answer to the matrix to figure out who the hell I am, and what the hell might be wrong with me, I just want to say THANK YOU! Thank you for taking the time out to get to know me, I hope one day I’m reading your story. Yes, I said reading your story, NOT YOU! Try it. But now that I got that out of the way, I have to thank my Heavenly Father God not only for Jesus, but for my story. He’s the reason I’m here today in the right mindset with the able use of my limbs to bring forth this piece of work. This is actually my “cookbook”. My poems are like crack, hard & addictive. You wanna know what’s coming next so instead of taking a hit, you turn the page! Broken Silence will be here shortly and following behind that will be On a Positive Note, but as Nicki Minaj said, “You gotta prep ‘em for shit like that.” Here’s the part that going to get you wet!

Mom, thank you for birthing me into this crazy world. You have no idea the honor it is to be recognized as Miss Rose son. When I wanted to give up, I remembered all the tough times you got the family through. Thank you so much, I can’t thank God enough for you. Kerman, I miss you so much. I remember the first time meeting you. I remember the first time we exchanged numbers. I remember you use to call me the white Wendy Williams. I remember how good you looked at your funeral. This, this movement is all your fault! I miss you, yes I had to repeat myself, but I thank you. I love you. Audrey, my only sister. I can’t imagine my life without us fighting! I use to tap that ass huh? Please don’t argue with me. But as I said, I can’t imagine my life without you. You’re seriously an inspiration to everything I do. Why? Because I have to repay you for the gift of hearing my two nieces and once nephew call me uncle or tell me “I love you”. Thank you! Tara, you’re my best friend. When they told me I was dead, you told me I was just hungry! Baby you’re crazy, but I thank God for blessing me with a friend like you. Also, thank you for introducing me to Lolo we were once a trio.

Chatney, thank you for all the lessons you taught me within this lifestyle. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for your touch. You always told me something that has stuck with me since the day I heard it and to this day I can hear you saying it, “Real girls serve together, NOT EACH OTHER!” I love you. It isn’t what it use to be, but it’s all love. Demanda, you’re truly a blessing. You just be wanting me to slap you sometimes. Thank you for letting me witness the raw talent that manifests within you. You’re going far, please don’t go too far because I’m not watching the girls that long. Love you. Ali, Toe Doe, and J-Dubbie, I love you all. You’re three men that I looked up to as brothers and I appreciate the great times hanging with the boys. To some it may be a surprise but you all taught me how to get the men! Ha, all I gotta do is like sports right Dubbie? Ian, how could I mention your name without bringing up Jeremy? Look, you’re both crazy, AS HELL! Niki, Sweetie, and Rachelle. You all had a bond together before I came in the picture. But each of you came into my life at different times basically tying us all together. All three of you have a special place in my heart. We be getting each other slam together! Thank you for that. 11

Now you, yes you! You reading this is who I’m doing this for. I do this for everyone that’s looking for someone that’s LIKE THEM, that’s me. We may not be the same skin tone or live in the same neighborhood, hell we probably don’t even follow each other on social media. But trust me, I’m just like you. I’m human. I make mistakes and I have a pulse. It’s okay to fuck up, it’s okay to fall. But when you get up, which you will, just make sure you stay up. I have my share of battle scars, who knows we may be fighting the same battle. You may have won a battle I’m fighting, vice versa. As I said before, one day I can’t wait to be reading your story. But until then, here’s a little inside scoop of what really be going through my head.

Prologue ‘Now keep in mind that I’m an artist and that I’m sensitive about my shit!’ -Erykah Badu ‘You’ll never get the picture if your frame is frail.’ -Foxy Brown

________

Basically I’m going to share the most personal, vulnerable, and deepest secret to the world via social media. Who knows who’s going to see it and who the hell knows what some people are going to say. Just know I have more people rooting for me then reading me, well at least I hope so! Kerman’s funeral was rough. Thank God Theo threw that after party, the drinks were needed. Besides, I’m sure Kerman got a kick out of us actin a fool after such a hard experience. He looked damn good in that casket though, he was so at peace with himself. It’s like he was in a deep sleep, but unlike Bobbi Kristina, we knew he wasn’t getting up. But he was still so at peace with himself and the impression he made on the world. Its like, when I was standing above Kerman looking down at his lifeless stiff body, which was awkward cause honey let me tell you he could fuck some shit up! He was nobody’s punk on that dance floor. Sorry, had to wipe some tears, but as I looked down at him it gave me purpose. It gave me a purpose to tell my story in his honor. Sharetha Davis, an upcoming public relations representative, came at me about hosting a drag show for her like a week after Kerman died. Of course I agreed but I also told her what I wanted to do, basically miss thing was the first person I told I wanted to birth Let’s Talk About It Inc. She was also the first person I decided to work with so I could make it happen. I’m not going to say it was worth it, but I am going to say it’s a lesson learned. She was all in. 14

We sat down and came up with a plan, a timeline, dates, events, and concept of what Let’s Talk About It is going to be. But one thing was missing, how the hell am I going to tell people that I have been living with HIV for two damn years. I moved from Florida to Michigan back to Florida, I lost everything from my job to my car, I lost friends along the way, and I even considered going back to trickin’ within those two years. But one thing I also did within those two years was grow. I basically found my voice and my talent I didn’t know I had. Sharetha basically didn’t like my sit-down tell my story type of deal I pitched. She told me to write a damn poem. “Bitch you want me to do what? Man I don’t write no damn poetry.” Were my exact words to her when she told me that. She said, “Give it a try and see what happens.” I rolled up a joint and picked up a pen. I just got done listening to Foxy Brown’s song ‘730’ off of her Broken Silence album. One thing lead to another, I had a damn poem. I , Mikey Minaj, Mikey Da Mouf, Mikey the pure damn fool had a pretty damn good poem in front of my very own eyes. I called Sharetha and she loved it. Next I let Ian (I will be referring to Ian as Ashlee being that he is my drag mother and that is his stage name. Yes, he is my gay mom. You don’t have to understand that, just know we’re family) hear the poem. He hollered, as did his husband Jeremy. I couldn’t believe after all these years of being quiet trying to find my voice all I had to do what pick up a pen!

Being around artist with talent plus listening to inspiring shit really did rub off on me! “I’m finally good at something. My mom will finally be proud of me.” Those were the exact words I said to myself. When I let Demanda and Audrey hear it, they we shocked! I mean baby they were like, “BITCH YOU WROTE THAT!” Y’all just don’t know how that made my ego feel! But in all actuality, it made me feel accomplished. It made me feel like, I’m winning after losing so many times. Let’s Talk About It dropped on December 19th 2014 at 4:29p.m. The reaction and love I got from it was BONKERS! Like dude, that shit was amazing! So many people applauded my courage, my strength, my realness, my fearlessness, and most of all my message. Ricky Vasquez, a Miami native dancer and socialite who blew up on Instagram and was featured on Sisterhood of HipHop as the friend of an upcoming rap artist Brianna Perry, even shared my shit. Like bitch that was like damn near a heart attack for me! But the best part about it was the people who haven’t found the courage to tell their story thanking me for telling theirs. It’s all in the delivery. How many of y’all ever heard the saying, “It isn’t what you say, it’s how you say it”? My spoken word poem basically got their attention and let them know, this is happening and this is real. Poetry was my new found talent. I said that to say this, what I feel nobody can ever change that. That’s something that I will always take with me, the way you made me feel. 16

No matter if you read me, loved me, hurt me, hit me, or crossed me. The feeling may hurt so badly but I can still feel it, I accept that pain. So, not only will I share you the pain but I will also share the pleasure and the proud feelings I’ve encountered. Yea, I’m going to say a few names but don’t get too excited, you might end up with hurt feelings. Hell, I sure did. Whoever thought I would have the gift of writing, I receive it! Now get into this book! Or as I would say back in the days, “BITCH LET ME FILL YO CUP!”

Miss Mikeyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Cookbook Poems by Michael Lamb

Intake ‘Reality is easy. It’s deception that’s hard work’ -Lauryn Hill

I am me, but who am I? Well you see, I am Miss Mikey. No I don’t hate myself, this, is actually for you. Because when I’m done, you might say to me, “BITCH I HATE YOU!” Man fuck this shirt, because I’m about to hit me where it hurts. December 19th of 2012, I woke up to such a sweat and pain, felt like I just lost a smooth clean head up fade. But what was really whoopin my ass, was AIDS. I hate Miss Mikey! That bitch gave me HIV! But you see, I am Miss Mikey, and I have HIV. HIV DOES NOT HAVE ME. Yea I said it, I’m what you people like to call a “Sick Bitch”. Though I never burned a bitch, or had that crab itch. Actually… HIV IS MY FIRST STD! Sometimes I sit and ask myself, “Why me?” “God, you hate me?”

Well, BLAME MISS MIKEY! Not Michael… How am I supposed to tell Rose that Michael helped end his own lifecycle? I get it. I was a prostitute. Getting plenty of loot, doin drugs thinkin I was cute. I even had to learn to put ‘Mikey The Mouth’ on mute, before someone pulled out they gun AND DECIDED TO SHOOT! I got HIV from a man I thought I could love, but barely got to know. Because I thought I could love him, without knowing his status. Because I basically “knew his status”. Nice car, plenty of money. He had a big dick and was ALWAYS fashioned. I wanted to put him on lock, like when my seatbelt got fastened. That night, I got drunk. I got fucked. 23

He said, “Baby I’m clean.” But I didn’t think he’d REALLY mean, “Baby I got that shit.” He said, “Do you want this?” I said, “BITCH GIVE IT TO ME” And just that quickly, I had HIV. And just that quickly, God humbled me. Fast forward to September 19th of 2014, I wake up to a Facebook status that says, ‘RIP TO KERMAN’. I just thank God that day, I wasn’t the subject at that pastor’s sermon. That shit hurt me. I had tears burning in my eyes like I just been maced. Kinda like, when my best friend threw some old shit in my face. Why the fuck would my “best friend” trip me, when I’m this close to finishing up my race?

That’s why I decided, I AIN GOIN OUT LIKE NO AIDS CASE! And that’s why, I’m giving HIV not only a voice, But a face. I don’t know if I’m the first, But I don’t wanna be the last. That raises they hand, And takes off they mask. And say, “IT IS ME! I AM 1 IN 7 THAT HAS HIV!” Let’s Talk About It

Dear Kerman

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Never forget yesterday, but always live for today, for you never know what tomorrow can bring or what it can take away.â&#x20AC;? -Unknown 26

Hey boo! How you doing (in my Wendy Williams voice)? And you already know my next question, where’s the boys? I miss you baby, I know you showing out. Whether you down here or up there with the most high, you ain even gotta smoke no more, you’re already pretty high. How does it feel to fly? I know people probably think I’m crazy when I talk to the sky, but I tell ‘em I just gotta tell my friend hi. Remember I promised to come through when you touched down but who would’ve thought the next time you were in town, you’d be lowered in the ground. You’re service was beautiful and for such a small church Macedonia was pretty full! I sat next to Kei’ana, she had on a real pretty dress. Even though I was a mess she said, “Don’t worry, he was blessed.” After that I was no longer stressed

But I still tried to protest it was you in that casket, Kerman in a casket, the thought I just couldn’t grasp it! Life threw a curve ball at me, and I didn’t crack it. Your mama, such a beautiful, strong lady. I couldn’t feel, but I saw her pain knowing she just had to bury her baby. Miss Cynthia, I pray for you and your family’s strength on the daily. Damn Kerman, you’re really missed. Death on someone I hate is something I no longer wish if they family gotta go through this. I know you saw Theo there with his pink shirt, I can hear your crazy ass now, “BITCH WERK!” He shed more than a few tears but not more than the laughs I know y’all shared over the years. How he led that choir, I wanted to shout, and when they brought Pastor Mills forth is when I really let it all out.

Because it finally hit me, I got angels watching over me. Lex murdered that song didn’t she? I know this may sound weird, But September 19th inspired me to come out on December 19th. Boy don’t play with me, everybody been knew I was gay, I actually told everyone I had AIDS. And before you ask like everyone else did, nah I ain get it from Dre. But enough about me and my HIV, how are you? Can you tell me the other half that’s never been told to man? When you passed, I decided to mold my soul so I can also walk the streets of gold. How big is your mansion? How did you act when God said, “Here Kerman, you can have it.”? I bet up there it’s like magic, no worries or deaths that’s tragic. How rich is that white fabric? 29

How did you feel when you were given your wings? How pretty is the city described in Revelations 21:16-19? How are the people there? Is there anyone there like me, described in Romans 3:23? Well Kerman, you actually know me. To these people I’m just a homosexual under heavy sedation because I keep a blunt in rotation trying to find the road to salvation and I’m hungry for glory like I’m suffering from salvation. One last thing, can you ask God if he heard me when I said I believe in everything He said in John 3:3-16? Sorry Kerman, I have so much to say and I’m still in dismay, because why should I have to write a letter to heaven? How did you die before me and I’m the one that’s 1 in 7? Well, I guess you are too because honestly Cynthia’s kids made a beautiful crew. But Kerman because of you, I really grew. I hope you’re proud of me because you’re a really big part of my story.

Sorry Kerman, I have so much to say? I don’t know when I’m going to hear that trumpet or take that stroll to see if I’m on that scroll, but to be honest, I been paid that toll. Because God really has showed mercy on my soul. Kerman, you inspired me who’s now inspiring many. For this, I THANK YA! And of course, I still feel Beyoncé is better than Fantasia! Let me stop, I’m sending this letter to heaven so who knows when you’ll get it. Just know I love you, and our friendship I’ll never forget it.

Love, Miss Mikey, your white ratchet Wendy Williams.

Let’s Talk About It ‘I don’t see myself being special; I just see myself having more responsibilities than the next man. People look to me to do things for them, to have answers’.

-Tupac Shakur

I’m just trying to tell me story, I hope no one gets offended. They say, “Words hurt worse than weapons”. Well, I guess that’s why they made the right to bare arms the second amendment. It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t pay homage. Shout outs to Bonnie Godiva. One Sunday in church, after repeating the Apostle’s Creed, I took my seat and accidentally sneezed. This man walked right up to me. He said, “Excuse me sir, but you’ve got to leave.” I said, “Why? Because I simply sneezed? Why can’t you just say, ‘God bless you’ to me?” He said, “I can’t say that because GOD HATES FAGS! THEY ALL GO TO HELL!” Well, God did make Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. But also remember, he created plagues and disease. Then turned around, AND STILL CREATED ME! Who just so happen to, contact HIV. But, I didn’t see HIV. So, how in this big ‘ol world did it get lil ‘ol me? 33

I mean, I was always high, but never jetlagged. And I knew to always keep a condom in my bag. So, did I get this, BECAUSE I’M A FAG? This is AIDS! You know, “The Gay Mans Disease.” But you’d be surprised to know, I got this from a married man, with a wife and house keys. His wife, she was a beautiful woman. But always kind of shy. But that’s only because she didn’t want you to clock her black eye. Which is why, She’s in MAC cosmetics to hide the choke grips, busted lips, plus an MK watch to cover her wrist slits. She got the ring, when she was only supposed to be a fling. But to her this was a normal thing. I mean, she grew up watching her daddy whoop her mama ass.

Til one day she snapped and got mad. And stabbed his ass with a broken glass. How could you love a man who only talks with his hands? Is this all apart of ‘God’s Plan’? How could she love a gunman? I mean, his mama told him he wasn’t shit. Just like his daddy. And sadly, she said it so much til it finally came true. That lil dude was so quick, he knew what to do when he saw the red, white, and blue. Stash box full of key, tuck the ski, pull up his sagging True Religion Jeans. But one day shit got so deep, He asked the sissy to toss the gun that his hand squeeze. I wonder if that’s the same gun that killed Andrew, Alexis, Piere, D.Hill, Izzy, Keon, and Malique. RIP. 35

The ultimate death, is silence. So, Let’s Talk About It. HIV, GUN, AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! Let’s, shake the table. Without causing them Ferguson Riots. Come to a support group. But how can I invite you to a support group when you don’t even support our troops? I’m not talking about the soldiers in the streets, throwing up they Bs and they Cs moving keys, I’m talking about the soldiers fighting a different diocese overseas for you and me. And what if that was me that said, “I CAN’T BREATHE”? Would you wear a shirt in remembrance of me? You know, the gay white guy that had HIV? I’m just a human right? It’s not about who’s black and who’s white, we’re all human right? It’s about what’s wrong and what’s right, punishing the wrong and rewarding the right. Now that’s how you honor a humans rights. 36

But back to this dude that had a wife and ended my life. So he thought. Til one day his wife stood up and fought. She called me. She said, “Hello Miss Mikey.” I said, “Yea that’s me.” She said, “Well I heard you got HIV.” I said, “Oh yea, you too. But you ain’t get it from me.” She said, “I thought about it and I prayed about it. So, let’s talk about it. I can take you to a doctor that treats me.” And I couldn’t believe, she wanted to save me. When I didn’t even save myself. Because if I did, I would be protected myself. But I’m here today, to save you. Like she did me. I beat AIDS! And guess what? So did she! Now we are just waiting on a cure for HIV. Which starts with you and me.

The Cycle of Transmission ‘I would run into the corner store, the bodega, and just grab a paper bag or buy juice-anything to get a paper bag. And I’d write the words on the paper bag and stuff these ideas in my pocket until I got back. Then I would transfer them into the notebook.’ -Jay-Z

It’s a shame the ones with no shame, have the nerve to call someone else lame. Especially how they play the game. But they playing the same game with the same man, Just different names. They wanna man who can put it in they chest. Put it right through their right hand over left breast. He killed the bitch. Not only because he got her sick, from the no glove but plenty of love makin, Legs shakin’, headboard breakin’, yea daddy was bringing home the bacon cause he was always baking soda, Hold up. How he got away with murder? He pulled an OJ. He said he couldn’t fit the glove. Push came to shove, the bitch was in love, but pregnant. The doctor said, “I’m glad we caught this in the early stage, ma’am you have AIDS.” She fell after feeling how much that burden weighed. She’d never be able to hear her child repeat its age, Walk the stage, go on dates, marry a mate, then have scheduled play dates locking child gates. 39

How could she put a Band-Aid on this boo boo? “Doctor, what are we to do?” “Ma’am that’s up to you, but we should start treatment so we can get rid of this disease like a presidents impeachment.”

Why didn’t he tell her he had this? Hell, he didn’t even know his status cause his mama is the one who passed this! He was born with an infectious disease from a cycle that repeats, stigma. Atripila, a once a day medicine she took daily so she could finally meet her baby. She was blessed with a baby boy who tested negative.

Negligence is the first lesson on how to miss out on a blessing, Her viral load was lessened and the disease was held down like a student in detention finally stopping transmission.

Story Of a Statistic â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; -John F. Kennedy 41

I’m trying to bring an end to a stigma of a disease like Nas and Jay-Z ended they beef And touched mics. But would’ve thought it would be Marco and Brian to give Mike a mic and a stage To y’all a little something about AIDS. One day I was at the store and this dude said to me, “Ay! Yo, Miss Mikey! I didn’t know you could spit, Unless it was on a dick.” I told ‘em, “You see I’m not a rapper, I’m a poet. What I do is spoken word.” To you it may sound absurd, But it’s the truth! Kinda like, Biggie Smalls or Lauryn Hills firs album. On December 19th, I wowed ‘em! And got mad respect. And I aint Kevin Hart, but I said something “with my chest”. I said, ‘I have HIV, IT DOES NOT HAVE ME.’ Trust me, I’m telling someone else’s story, Not just mine.

Kinda like, When Monica told Brandy the boy is mine and Bandy repeated the same like at the exact same time. Plus you know they say survival is meant for the fittest.

Well, I guess I’m no good. Because when dude said he was cumin, it was death on arrival, Cause he didn’t put on a fitted. But I survived AIDS!

Now, I’m living with HIV. Guess I used two lifelines. And I’m not a fan of pussy, so I don’t think I’ll be getting them seven extra lives.

But back to the reference of Lauryn, when I Lost one, roll one RIP TO KERMAN!

In my closet, I have a picture of my friend on my shirt. RIP in front of a familiar friend, man that’s that hurt. His death had me choked up, Like some good purp. But back to the subject at hand, I’m not the only one that’s One out of two fingers and a whole hand. Look around this room. I bet in here we have a bride and a groom, A girlfriend and a boyfriend, who Has a secret boyfriend, Sleeping with that’s brides husbands cousin. Yes, you can get this from a quickie. Three minutes under a dozen, nine minutes not even twelve, Man that’s a quickie! But nowadays, you don’t have to die quickie quickly! But how y’all living now, you gotta lick me, Before you stick me. You gotta suck me before I fuck. But who else was down on their luck, And didn’t stay strapped up?

You gotta suck me before I fuck. But who else was down on their luck, And didn’t stay strapped up? I’m not talking about LeBron, Leaving your heat, I’m talking about wrapping your meat! Please, why am I one of the very few speaking publically about this disease? Yes, nobody likes to make mistakes. But live in your truth. Don’t lie to someone else because someone lied to you. Do you remember how mad that made you? Hell, I’m probably just like some of you. My mama’s only son, And my sisters only brother. Yes, me too. My dumbass forgot to wear a rubber. But we still have to talk to, pray for, and encourage one another. Which is why I say know your status and your partne’rs status.

But would you love someone even if they sat you down, grabbed you hand and said: “Look I have this, and I’m telling you this so there’s no other reason for me to lie. If we make love, we’ll use a glove and that’s for your protection. That prevents 99.9% chance of infection. Isn’t that the same amount it takes Maury to tell someone YOU ARE THE FATHER!? And I wanna take it further then a one night stand, I wanna one day take your hand in marriage and have you pushing a baby carriage. Yes, mother to child is preventable because transmission when undetectable is lowered. I’m not saying I want to give to you, but if you love me, You’ll love that part of me too.” This disease, isn’t uncommon. Every 9 ½ minutes, every one in seven, someone is infected with HIV. But imagine how many people are affected in that one person’s family. To this day, my mama still trying to cover this boo boo with a big enough Band-Aid. 46

And I got to be the motherfucker that’s gotta tell my sisters kids that their uncle, Once had AIDS. So, be careful what you say and how you treat people. Black, white, Chinese, Latino, and Filipino. The ones with cancer, And diabetes who one day maybe walking around as amputees. And the correct term for a woman who was born a man, Isn’t tranny! Pray for the ones suffering from gun violence and the ones fighting through domestic violence. We’re all equal. So, look beyond how things may book, and pick up a book. Learn the facts before you commit a senseless act. Your dick and your clit aren’t the only things you need to stimulate. So not only educate, But protect yourself.

Kanye Would Do It “I feel like I’m too busy writing history to read it.” -Kanye West

Wu-Tang taught me cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M. I’m trying to change my image but I’m still ghetto, like Jahiem. I also had a dream like Dr. King, but how can I say that when we aren’t the same race? Am I going to get shot in my face after I give a speech or because I’m simply trying to teach people about HIV? Just because you’re young and you’re black doesn’t mean you have to be young, black, strapped, and wanna rap. And just because you’re white, Trust me, Doesn’t mean you have to do everything right or that you get exclusive right to the human rights. How are we going to act like the civil rights, wasn’t a movement. Where would we be today if Rosa Parks didn’t say, “No. I’m tired, I worked all day, AND I’M NOT MOVING.”

Well, now I’m feeling like Pac cause I also see no changes. Plus I’m also starting to recognize those racist faces connecting to unsolved murder cases. Death brought on by officers is starting to happen again on a daily basis. “We gonna get tired of knocking and kick down the door.” Pac said it best. So now I hope you know why the city of Baltimore Was so upset. They pulled a Malcom X, stopped playing checkers, and started playing chess. Checkmate. Hopefully those six officers become cellmates. Justice for Freddie Grey. Finally officers put in in jail, not put on leave with pay. I could’ve swore the civil rights paved the way so we wouldn’t have to worry about racism today. But no one cares, Because nowadays people yell, “WORLDSTAR” and attack over a cheeseburger or snack wrap.

Don’t look at this white guy funny in a ‘Black Lives Matter’ tee, hell I also got one that says, ‘I Can’t Breathe’. I’m not trying to be anyone but me, Michael Lamb aka Miss Mikey, An advocate for HIV awareness and equality. I have to be politically correct, but recently the police barely serve and protect. They all seem to do it for a check. They get a badge then get away with murder. Acting genuine with their “condolences”, keep them, It does nothing but make it worse. FUCK YOU DANIEL PANTELIO. FUCK YOU JOE BELMAR. RIP to Mike Brown and Eric Garner. Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? Nowadays, cops will shoot anyone who would’ve cooperated willingly. Oh silly me, that was all a dream, like Biggie.

Hell, if I get scared will bullets go through my chest that entered my back stopping me in my tracks? Then will an officer plant a tazer next to me, now I’m trapped in his “self-defense” case? How is someone a threat if their face down in handcuffs? No matter how big or buff? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’m not proud to be an American. But I think we forgot what those red and white stripes really mean. It’s not all about the green, it’s about the American Dream. Remember, we’re supposed to let FREEDOM ring. It’s not all about the finer things. Let’s talk about the important things. George Zimmerman, went to jail for many things, But murder. Shall I go further? 52

Mike Vick did time for dog fights. Ray Rice ruined his own life cause he knocked out his own wife. Got kicked off his team, things aren’t always what they seem. Hell, she didn’t even cause a scene. What happened to the saying, ‘If you do the time, you got to do the time’? Straight shot, no blurred lines. You offended? Well I’ll take the blame. Everybody likes to blame it on the white man anyways, so they say. We’re all equal. At least that’s what I got from Romans 3:23, “For al have sinned and fall short of Gods glory.” Moral of the story, we’ll never make it if we don’t support each other. How we sending off troops, But we killing each other? White vs black, I thought that issue was deaded. But copes wanna play ‘hero’ and put a hole where your chest is. But isn’t that where THEIR FUCKING VEST IS? 53

I’m from the south, but I think I just Kanye West this. Accept it. Racism is alive and real. Not all white people are bad, Not all black people are criminals. And not all cops cover up murders from their hands with their badge. One day people who lost a father, uncle, brother, son, and cousin they once had will hopefully understand. All lives matter. That’s why God gave his only son. Repent. Your money isn’t long enough as the price he spent. We may be in the same building, but got in through two different lines. But who knows, we may be living the same lives brainwashed by the same lies. 54

I’m A Witness ‘“How could you beat the mother of your kids? How could you tell her that you love her, don’t give a fuck if she lives?” -Eve (Love is Blind)

I wake up to get my cake up but this morning I’m on the phone with my girl talking about a breakup. I really wanna hang up, But I don’t want her to keep getting banged up. Sandra wanted to go to college to gain some knowledge about pharmaceuticals but duty calls when you’re a mother and a wife. But today she’s talking about taking her own life. “Man Mike, I can’t take this no more. He keep messing with whores, keeps his bottle open like bad pores till he’s knocked out and snores. The only time I can getaway is going to the grocery store.” Sandra fell in love with a coward named Will who was only well off because of his fathers will. He had the mentality of a child and if it wasn’t a blunt, he was puffing on a black and mild. They been together for a while but they haven’t been happy in a while.

I said, “I know that’s the father of your child but you gotta leave so you can finally feel relieved.” “Man Mike, the only way I’m leaving is if I take my own life.” “Girl what? Man you ain talking right!” “Either way I’m getting life because if I take his I’ll be behind bars or he’ll take mine and still be living like a star. Which is why we named our daughter Skye because we knew she’d one day be a star. But I’ve got too many battle scars that aren’t worth the nice shoes and expensive car.” “Sandra, you’re talking real bizarre please take a breather and hit the gar. I’m finna be on my way, just remember what the bible say, ‘Pain may last a night but joy comes in the morning.’ How you going to have Skye at the wake grieving and mourning?”

“I understand Mike but you said that last time and I said last time was the last time he damaged something on this beautiful face of mine. Domestic violence is a crime but dude aint never do the crime. So, I guess the blame is mine. A person only does what you allow, I should’ve stopped him at the first sign. I got this gun up under my chin, I’m finna take off my own chin cause all I know is sin, I CAN NEVER WIN!” After the gun went off, I never heard from Sandra again. That was my right hand that washed my left hand. Loyalty was priority. We pledged to hold each other down, like sisters of a sorority. Never needed popularity for clarity, no sympathy, no handouts, or no charities.

She was mixed with Spanish and Cherokee but was a fool to say yes when Will asked, “Will you marry me?” Six months before that she got attacked and said, “I thought he was going to kill than bury me.” 58

She could barely see through her black eye, the guy she was in love with. When they made love, it was more like rape. Will was a black male who would blackmail her and release their sex tape. She went ape shit on the dick and even did a split with her lip split. How could you kiss lips split and call it bliss? Aren’t lips supposed to touch when they kiss? WHAT A WEAK BITCH! I always told her, “Grab your keys and take the kid. He reminds you every day the house is his anyway, so why not getaway?” I can’t blame her for why she stayed, ain no telling the promises that he broke but still made. Pretty on fleek, hair stayed slayed, Giuseppe’s’ on her feet. Although Will was a creep, he was far from cheap.

You should only beat it, when it’s time to conceive. But you deceive and manipulate till it’s too late and the woman start to dilate. Penetrate her walls and they begin to fall, now she’s weak in the knees saying please and you know she ain’t leaving whether you give her a kid OR A DISEASE! I’m not saying all women are innocent and I’m not saying she deserves black eyes, countless lies, or to giveaway multiple chances to a dude that doesn’t even try. My shoulder was there when it was time to cry and my tank stayed full just in case it was time to ride. But when I say something, I’m the fucking bad guy. Why? I’m not the one who made your lip bleed. Hell, I’m living with something that killed more people than the East coast, West coast beef. But she’s acting like she’s the only one stressed, I got my own mess, but since that was my best, I gotta stick by her side. And act like there’s happiness and hope for her and that fucking joke. 60

Even when she asks him about the lies, she gets choked. Who else is in the same boat? Everything that glitters isn’t gold, and still gold is another piece of metal, so why settle? Girl you deserve the world. How you married but spent many lonely nights curled up soaking in tears throughout the years? Its time to shift gears, stop being neutral, If the respect isn’t mutual. Cause the last time I saw Sandra, WAS AT HER FUCKING FUNERAL! Don’t let it be you because of abuse, SPEAK OUT! Save lives. Love is blind even if you have open eyes. I know he had you weak in the knees but you can still rise.

Dear Old Me “And tell me that you commin’ back and that you just took a break. Maybe I blamed you for everything, that way my mistake. In hindsight I loved your rawness and I loved your edge, cause it was you who talked me down from jumping off the ledge.” -Nicki Minaj (Dear Old Nicki, Pink Friday)

Hey you, fuck you (in my J-Dubbie voice). Even if being gay was a choice, you’d still choose this lifestyle. But why the hell didn’t you choose to wear a lifestyle? Remember, if he could fit a magnum you gotta have him or done had him? You dumb bitch, you got me sick, now I’m the one that’s got to live with this shit! But to be honest, you was always a down bitch. Was going to put Ali up on a lick and have one of your tricks wondering what he was hit with. You taught me how to get through tough times and when she got deep, told me to dive. But why did you have to die for me to open my eyes and let my true talents come alive? You made every party live and swore everybody gave you life, when all they really gave you was LIES! You popped monkeys and acted just like one. Was on every scene with your stun gun just in case anyone tried to run one. Bitch, you did all that and still got robbed by two dudes no gun, YOU’RE A NO ONE! 63

But always fuckin someone who belonged to someone else then was shelved and forgot about. You turned to trickin when your money came up stout and even Twin Oaks almost put you out. That was your trap, drop, and whore house. Yea, I still speak to Chatney. Man, y’all stayed on the road. Now, I’m just trying to pay him back for all your faggot ass owe. When you said, “Yasssssss.” He said, “No hoe, them girls don’t even like you.” He sat you down and showed you the game, like Birdman did Wayne, and you turned around and did him how Madam Norie, Twitter, and TMZ reported Birdman did Wayne. I hope it all wasn’t for some Facebook fame. Mikey Minaj? What a corny ass name. No shade, girl you were as late as belt chains. Dear old me, you helped mold me, Miss Mikey. I’m saving lives you see.

I’m closer than ever to being on TV but first I have to help out my own community and first they have to take me seriously because all they know is you, the old me. Hey old me, remember when you told me nobody loved me but the only person that needed to was me? Well I realized that on December 19th. Mama burst into tears when I told her you gave me HIV because to her that meant I helped kill me. All them late nights trickin, I could’ve been writing my poetry. Man old me, I don’t hate you, I just wish I could’ve saved you. But you’re not gone, because when I look in the mirror all I see is you. Remember ‘old blue’? That was the car Victor showed you how to be a mogul. He had you holding crack and please don’t think I cracked when I dropped Broken Silence. I wanted to warn you, which is why I’m writing this. Man old me, you remember when Iesha was your woe? Always paid her way through the door and had her rocking nice clothes? 65

Everyone thought that was your lady and swore y’all was going to have a baby. But they didn’t know half the shit she ever did made you feel as if it was shady. Remember when she called you a dirty, no good, bussit? But that was your best friend wasn’t it? Man old me, enough about the past. Nowadays, I walk around with some sense and some class. I’m not so quick to call everyone my sis or give up some ass.

I wasn’t born slow, so I’m not trying to come out last. I’m trying to win, save a life, and get someone on medicine. Then again, I’m doing this for me and you. I love you old me, don’t think I forgot about you and everything we ever went through. I’m just trying to live out what God sent me to do. So don’t read this and feel blue, because it was you who helped me find a clue. I promise when I make it, I’ll come back for you. Love, Miss Mikey. 66

Epilogue Well damn, didn’t I have a lot to say? Ha, I can’t believe I said all of that! Took a lot of soul searching, praying, crying, and long nights to let all of that out. But here’s the thing, that’s not all of it! My story is far from done. This ‘cookbook’ is simply the ingredients to the main course. These feelings came after first accepting my status, gaining knowledge about my current status, making lifelong adjustments to my life, and living with my status. ‘On a Positive Note’ is my next book which is already in the brainstorming process. Please, I don’t even have a release date in mind just yet but when I do I will be sure to keep you all updated. Basically that’s everything I was doing to get my current HIV status. I was ‘living the life in the fast lane”. Baby, I had no choice but to slow down. Well if I didn’t, I would be either been dead, in jail, or infected someone without even knowing. Why not talk about my past if I want you so involved in my future? Actually I want you to know your status just like you pretty much know mine. I want you to gain knowledge about such a common disease and hold no holds barred conversations about it. So, I wanted to release this book because I’m working on so many things and going so many places I honestly can’t keep track of it all. 67

Plus, I wanted you to see exactly what Let’s Talk About It stems from, my poetry. My feelings. Now, just because I feel a certain about a topic doesn’t mean I want you to conform to it, I just want you to see how I feel about it but also see WHY I feel that way. You may agree and you may disagree, either way my eyebrows are still on fleek. As I sit here with a finished book in front of me I feel so accomplished. My mission is still far from done though. This is just another task I can check off of my to do list. Now onto some more ingredients. You know that macaroni and cheese your one crazy ass aunty made and always brought to the cookout whenever it was a huge event or milestone? Well the best part of the macaroni of course it being all extra cheesy and soft basically giving your mouth an orgasm. But it wouldn’t be complete without those crushed up crackers sprinkled on top, kind of like breadcrumbs. Remember that one old story that was told to us in elementary school? The one with the brother and sister lost in the woods so they left a trail of breadcrumbs leaving clues to where they can be found. Well, here’s the breadcrumbs to top off my macaroni and cheese but to also to show you a trail of what I’ve been through. I took a wrong turn here and there, I made a few U-turns, and I even stopped for a

moment.

But I’m still on this journey, meeting many people like me. So, why not tell you or better not show you where I’m in life. 68

Bread Crumbs Part 1 Exerts from the upcoming autobiography of Michael Lamb aka Miss Mikey

I can remember it like it happened yesterday. Iesha and I we’re riding down Metro. Who knows where the hell we were going either to her mama house, to get some weed, or to pick up her on and off again boyfriend. I have no idea what we was fussing at each other about, which was

nothing new, but we were going blow for blow. Be-

cause she was my best friend, keyword was, I never took it too far with her even though she always talked to me like I was either trash with maggots on top of it or I was a stranger off the street. All I know is when she said, “Bitch that’s why you a low down, dirty, bussit. Even Dre don’t want your dirty ass.” I became completely numb. Now I know she wasn’t calling me dirty as far as my hygiene, she was calling my dirty because I got around. But as my best friend why would that come out of her mouth? But at that moment in my life I felt as if she was right, that’s all I was. Hell, I just didn’t want to accept it at the time. So, after she just completely disintegrated my feelings we finally got back home to our place in Westwood, mind you we ran around for two hours in complete awkward silence. She went in her room, I went in mine. I cried like a BITCH! I mean I was in there literally crying like I had lost my mama, Lord forbid. That shit had me so fucked up I could’ve killed that girl. Well, not kill her but hurt her really bad. All the mean things I could’ve said to her throughout our friendship when she made me mad I never did. But hey, she was telling the truth. 70

So you know what I did? I went out, got high, then went ahead and got some dick. Marcus, man he knew he had some good dick that will make you wanna slap your mama if she said he was no good! He was cool as hell. Always got me high but was pretty down to earth for the most part. Lord knows if he wasn’t DL then I’d make myself his man, yes I said make MYSELF his man! Don’t act like you ain know I’m crazy about the boys. Any who, I told him I was in my feelings so he told me to slide through. He was the back burner to Dre, my first. No, not my first boyfriend, my first sexual partner. He’s the reason I guess you can say I’m turned out, we’ll talk about him later. Now, when I got to Marcus’ house we did our usual. Smoke, fuck, than catchup. I met Marcus one night at some club in Port Charlotte, FL, named Boomers. Baby I don’t know what he was attracted to because I use to act a pure fool. High as hell on some ecstasy, shakin ass, smoking cigarettes pack after pack, downing drinks after drinks, and was with “friends” encouraging that foolish behavior. I remember I went to the bathroom with Raymond, Iesha’s cousin, we went it there to wipe ourselves of the sweat we accumulated from dancing and being so damn high off those pills. After we chopped it up and got right we walk out the bathroom, Raymond was leading the way, and all of a sudden I felt someone grab my ass. Not no someone was walking by and accidentally tapped it, they legit had a handful of ass so I knew it was intentional. 71

I turned around ready to match the face with the grip so I could jump on the dick whoever the face and hand belonged to. Yes, that’s what those pills had made me acting like, a nympho. Marcus was in this nice Polo shirt with some pants and fly ass shoes. I don’t remember what exact brand the shoes were but they we red and white with a strap. He nodded his head between bops when DMX song ‘Fuck Them Other Niggas’ was playing. I played it off and continued to follow Raymond back to our group. As the club was calling for the last call because the bar was closing, once again I had to go to the bathroom. I

hadn’t seen Marcus since he grabbed my ass

after passing him. I thought he had left, oh was I mad! But of course when I walked into the bathroom and opened up the stall there he was, busting a gar. He smiled, showing off some pearly white ass teeth. His teeth looked like some pure Columbian cocaine as white as they were. He said, “You must be used to niggas grabbing on your ass since you just gonna ignored my form of endearment.” He extended his hand to dap me up then got off the toilet to so I could use it. I said, “Nah, usually people ask me my name and how I’m doing.” Knowing good and got damn well I was lying. All they had to tell me was they trying to fuck and all I needed was a location! Ha! Someone came in the bathroom so we had to cut it short, I gave him my number and he left the stall.

He said, “Alright now, don’t go to havin’ too much fun, that shit will make you feel like you needa new nose. That’s some shit that will have movin’ like Whitney.” This bitch made it seem like I just bought some coke from him in front of people, I could’ve slapped the shit out of him in that bathroom. I’m glad I didn’t, he actually ended up teaching me a lot… a whole lot indeed.

Bread Crumbs Part 2 Exerts from the upcoming autobiography of Michael Lamb aka Miss Mikey

II hated hated driving driving ininMichigan, Michigan,like likethat that was seriously was seriously the worst part about visiting! But hey I needed to get the worst part about visiting! But hey I needed to get out out of of my sister’s house thenight nightand andget getme meaa piece piece of of not my sister’s house forfor the not only the bar but a man. After parking and putting my heels only the bar but a man. After parking and putting my heels on, was ready to take club Rumorsbody by storm! was lookon, Isprayed some of this sickening sprayI Tara gave ing cute honey. As I’m and walking up at everyone giving me me before I left Florida, looked myself inisthe window two different was who to thetake hell club is thisRumors white boy of my sisters’looks, car. one I was ready by in heelsI and was where hell did from? storm! wasone looking cute the honey. As he I’mcome walking up,I was lovingis the attention. was high as hell think everyone giving me two Idifferent looks. One too, was Iwho theI smoked at least before got there. The club hell is this whitetwo boyblunts in heels andI one was where the had hell a little crowd theloving musicthe sucked! I hate house didnice he come from?but I was attention. I was highmuas sic and that’s all they played! So, I just sat at the bar and hell too, I think I smoked at least two blunts before I got looked prettyclub and looked myself the mirror themusic wall. there. The had a at nice littleat crowd but on the Of course a few people spoke me, all asked where I’m sucked! I hate house music andtothat’s theyme played! from and small chitbar chat. wasn’t pretty interested in any So,started I just sat at the andI looked and looked of butinI wasn’t going to givethe up.bar, and checking my at them, myself the mirror behind phone I to sure had on Jack’d As or getmake up from the Ibar andnogomessages to use the bathroom. Grindr. Of course fewbathroom people spoke me, asked into me I’m walking towardsa the some to fool bumped where I’m making from and started chat. wasn’tI me almost me drop my small damn chit phone! But Ibefore interested any of who them! I wasn’t to Funny call Lionel could cuss,inI realized it was, it wastrying Lionel. seetonight. He had just fucked me two nights before.going I knew ing him here because I could’ve swore he wasn’t to what he was aboutagain so no need to call him.only Shit, I wasgay on be there. But then this Rumors is the decent vacation, I was tryingand to him enjoy myself also people club in Grand Rapids being “that and dude” around this enjoy me.only I got upHefrom and go tome use the city it was right. gavethe me bar a hug, slapped on the bathroom. As I’m walking towards the some fool ass, and invited me over afterwards. Ofbathroom course I was down, into making dropbomb my damn phone! Ibumped mean it’s notme likealmost we didn’t haveme some ass sex two But before nights ago. I could cuss, I realized who it was, it was Lionel! 76

Funny seeing him here because I could’ve swore he wasn’t going to be there. But then again this is Rumors, the only decent gay club in Grand Rapids, and him being “that dude” around this city it was only right he was in the building. He gave me a hug, slapped me on the ass, and invited me over afterwards, exactly what I didn’t want to happen! Damnit! Of course, I played it off like I was down, I mean it’s not like we didn’t have some bomb ass sex two nights ago, I just wanted something different. After chopping it up with him for a brief moment I continued to make my way to the bathroom. I finally got in there, did a quick check up, of course I was still cute, and walked back out. I went outside to smoke a black and mild, you should’ve seen the look on those queens faces when I lit that up! Ha, they were like, “You smoke those?” I paid them no mind, you’d think I was from outer space how they looked at me. I was checking my Adam4Adam profile as I was smoking and out of nowhere comes this short, kind of chubby, black dude. He stood right next to me. At first it was awkward but I admired his courage. He said, “You clearly ain’t from here.” I smiled then took a hit from my black, “Nah, I’m from Florida, just up here on vacation.” “What brings you up this way?” he asked. “My family live up here, I’m just visiting for two weeks.” He smiled let out a smile showing off his beautiful all teeth, looking like a model off of a Colgate commercial. I didn’t see a bulge but who knows, maybe he was soft. 77

He peeped me looking at his crotch area and said, “Ay man so what’s your number? What you got going after this?” Even though I just made plans with

Lionel, I was

trying to get missing with him. “Nothing, why what you got planned?” He smiled once again. As we were talking his friend, a pure damn fool came up and completely interrupted us. This jackass was drunk as hell and even tackier. He had his hair slicked down into a ponytail, then had a plain black tee on with some ugly ass black pants on leading down to some worn out ass Nike shoes. Meanwhile, the dude I was talking to (didn’t even get his name yet, terrible I know), had on a nice sweater over a white v-neck shirt with some sickening light blue jeans that hugged his thick shape, he had some ass on him too, leading down to some Jordans. He was clean so I don’t know how the hell he kept that kind of company! Your best friend or even associate is always supposed to match your fly. As I’m reading the life out of this boy in my head I guess I blanked out because dude was like, “Hello, you there!” Coming back to reality I giggled then turned to put out my black noticing Lionel walking right passed us. He winked but he kept going, thank God he didn’t come over there where we were! He would’ve ruined my night! Well, not really because if I didn’t fuck homeboy, I’d fuck Lionel. Either way I was going to be with man! “So, you gave me your number but are you going to give me your name?” He asked. 78

I said, “My name is Mikey, what’s yours?” I said that then extended my hand to shake his, “My name is Dominic, nice to meet you Mikey.” We shook hands then he pulled me in closer, “So you coming with me tonight?” I was completely caught off guard by what happened next…

Who is Miss Mikey? Everyone has a story, an Miss Mikey’s is worth reading. When faced with a difficult circumstance he decided he was going to rise above it all and save some lives in the process. I remember the first time I saw Miss Mikey perform one of his poems. I was in awe! His poems are real, artistic, beautiful, provokes thoughts, and most importantly drives you to action. HIV is one of the most widespread diseases but one of the least talked about. Miss Mikey is determined to change that. With his “Let’s Talk About It” campaign, he is bringing this discussion to the forefront. His poems will make you laugh, think, cry, and open the dialogue regarding this disease. Even if that dialogue is one you end up having with yourself. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade they say. Somehow Miss Mikey made those lemons into diamonds and has chosen to not be defined by the HIV virus but instead has given it a face with eyebrows that are always perfectly arched and a voice. From his appearance to his personality to his poems and his upcoming book, Miss Mikey will leave you asking “What’s a filter?” in his voice. HIV has dwelled in the silent corner for way too long, it’s time we talk about it. But let’s not just talk about Miss Mikey’s status, let’s all make sure we know our own status. Love you Mikey! -Rachelle Ford