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TGI Couple’s Newsletter: Making Love Last
Summer Issue 2012
In this issue:
Gott Sex? Video Series Increase the intimacy and passion in your relationship with this brand new, completely online video series from the Gottman Institute!
page 5 Dr. Gottman’s New Book: What Makes Love Last? How “” to build trust and avoid betrayal. Out September 4th!
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Summer Romance: A message from Dr. Julie Gottman.
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About Us : The Gottman Institute & Dr. Gottman on Anderson Cooper!
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What Makes Love Last: Dr. Gottman’s new book!
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Gott Sex? Video Series.
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Reconnecting on Your Summer Vacation: Laura Heck, MFT
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The Heart of Parenting: Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children through Emotion Coaching
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Upcoming Live Couple’s Workshops
And much more….
Welcome to the TGI Couple’s Newsletter! By Michael Fulwiler, Director of Social Media Marketing
“Have you had a 6second kiss today?” - John Gottman, Ph.D
Welcome to the brand-new TGI Couple’s Newsletter! My first priority when I took over as Director of Social Media Marketing in June was to ensure that our couples felt informed and involved. I believe that this newsletter is the first step in the right direction.
this issue, you will hear from Dr. Julie Gottman, our clinical director, as well as from Laura Heck, a clinician in our Products Department. You will learn about all that has been happening at the Institute as well as what is to come this summer.
The theme of this quarter’s newsletter is “Making Love Last,” which we hope will inspire you to make your relationship a priority this summer. Whether you are recently engaged or have been married for 35+ years, we have something to offer everyone in a committed relationship. In
With a book launch in September, it is a time of excitement at The Gottman Institute. We hope that you will join us as we continue to expand our global network of couples. Check out www.gottman.com and be sure to “like” us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter!
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TGI Couple’s Newsletter
Summer 2012
Summer Romance:
A message from Julie Gottman, Ph.D, Clinical Director Welcome to our new couple’s newsletter. Here you’ll find stories, suggestions and support for connecting with your partner. And now that summer’s here, what better time to heat up your relationship? No longer cooped up by cold dark days, it’s time to throw open the doors and together venture out. Since John’s favorite adventure is visiting a bookstore while mine is tramping up mountains, not surprisingly we differ somewhat about the virtues of summer. We’re like that movie, “The Odd Couple,” a 1960’s tale of two roommates who are total opposites of each other. Each summer John rails against that “yellow stuff” (sunshine) and wants to stay indoors, while I’ll do anything to stay outside. So how does this “odd couple” find summer romance? Thankfully, we both love the sea. John armors himself with a wide brimmed old straw hat and 50 SPF sunscreen, and together we jump into our double sea kayak and take off for far away islands. The secret to boating together? No criticisms or “corrections” allowed. Instead, in order to sync up we sing together and paddle in rhythm to our tunes. Only the seals can hear us, and so far they haven’t complained.
www.gottman.com
Here are some other ideas for summer romance: The tried-andtrue picnic is standard summer fare. But make it special by taking along the Open-Ended Question Card Deck for updating your Love Maps. John and I once sat out on our deck for three days taking turns answering every single card. Even after 25 years, we still had more to learn about each other. And if you’re so inclined, stash the Salsa Deck of your choice in your picnic basket for more spicy topics. Setting up an air mattress outside and sleeping under the stars can sweeten your nights, too. Or hopping in your car with some weekend supplies and heading for the nearest campground. But if you’re one of the unfortunate couples sweltering in this year’s heat wave, try an all weekend movie marathon. Just make sure the theatre is air-conditioned. Afterwards, there’s lots to talk about – which was your favorite movie and why - discussed over ice cream, of course. And our favorite summer activity? Our annual honeymoon. Every year around anniversary time we ferry up to Salt Spring Island off the coast of B.C., our kayak in tow. Though married much longer, we discovered the joys of
this annual Ritual of Connection 13 years ago, and we’ve been repeating it every year since. We always stay in the same B and B and visit the same restaurant where they know John will order only his favorite dish, weinerschnitzel, like his mother used to make. By now we’ve also gathered a circle of friends, artists and writers, who we look forward to seeing year after year. Best of all, there is no internet and no cellphone reception, leaving us with endless hours of nothing but each other. And that’s the sweetest of all. Happy summer to you and yours!
-Julie 2
TGI Couple’s Newsletter
Summer 2012
About the Gottman Institute Dr. John Gottman’s research has revolutionized the study of marriage. For more than three decades, Dr. Gottman applied research methods and standards to his study of human psychology as rigorous as those used in medical science. At The Gottman Institute, in collaboration with his wife Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, he developed an approach that not only supports and repairs troubled marriages and committed relationships, but strengthens happy ones. The data generated by Dr. Gottman’s research offers us a scientifically-based glimpse into the anatomy of relationships. It provides us with factual, objective information that has contributed to the development of tools, methods, programs, products, and services dedicated to helping couples build stronger, happier relationships. The Gottman Institute provides live workshops and takehome training materials for couples, while The Gottman Relationship Center and the Gottman Referral Network provide therapy referrals to couples. Through research-based interventions and exercises, we help couples break through barriers to achieve greater understanding, connection and intimacy in their relationships. Intervention strategies are based upon empirical data from Dr. Gottman’s three decades of research with more than 3,000 couples. This research shows us what actually works to help you and your partner achieve a long-term healthy relationship!
Dr. Gottman on Anderson Cooper!
“I think his work is absolutely fascinating.” - Anderson Cooper Did you miss Dr. Gottman live on Anderson Cooper in May? You can watch highlights from the episode on our YouTube channel at www.youtube.com/gottmaninstitute and can find further resources at www.andersoncooper.com. www.gottman.com
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TGI Couple’s Newsletter
Summer 2012
We are excited to announce the release date of Dr. Gottman’s new book: What Makes Love Last? In stores everywhere September 4th, 2012. Pre-order now on Gottman.com In this wise, accessible, and long-awaited book, celebrated research psychologist and couples counselor John Gottman, Ph.D explores the mysteries of love: Where does it come from? Why does some love last, and some fade? Dr. John Gottman has spent decades observing the conversational patterns and biorhythms of thousands and thousands of couples in his famous “love lab.” Now he applies this research to fundamental questions about trust and betrayal. Doubts are common in relationships. Partners often worry. Can I trust my partner? Am I being betrayed? How do I know for sure? Based on laboratory findings, this book shows readers how to identify signs, behaviors, and attitudes that indicate betrayal— whether sexual or not—and provides strategies for repairing what may seem lost or broken. With a gift for translating complex scientific ideas into insightful and practical advice, Gottman explains how a couple can protect or recover their greatest gift—their love for one another.
What others have said about Dr. Gottman’s work: “...Gottman has proven something remarkable. If he analyzes an hour of a husband and wife talking, he can predict with 95 percent accuracy whether that couple will still be married fifteen years later . . . can a marriage really be understood in one sitting? Yes it can . . . and what Gottman has done is show us how.” —Malcolm Gladwell, writing in Blink www.gottman.com
“Gottman comes to this endeavor with the best of qualifications: he’s got the spirit of a scientist and the soul of a romantic.” -Newsweek “Fascinating… Eye opening.” -Anderson Cooper 4
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TGI Couple’s Newsletter
Summer 2012
www.gottsex.com
Gott Sex? Video Series Gott Sex? is a program designed for couples who are trying to improve their intimate, passionate, romantic, and sexual lives with one another. The series brings together knowledge from two different sections of the typical bookstore: the section on “relationships” and the section on “sex”. The relationship book usually focuses on communication and conflict and is pretty dour; there is very little information for couples who want to improve their sex lives. On the other hand, sex advice often involves superficial solutions to complex problems. They tell you where to rub and lick, but not how to fundamentally www.gottman.com
improve intimacy. Drs. John and Julie Gottman are interested in all aspects of relationships, from conversations over morning coffee to creating satisfying and romantic sex. The Gott Sex? Series is not a technical guide of sexual playby-play that will make you a better lover, but rather a set of seven tools to enhance the internal components of your relationship in order to foster better passion and intimacy.
The Seven Tools:
1. Creating a new understanding about what sex is. 2. Learning how to use the three skills of intimate conversations. 3. Building a “Sex Love Map” of your partner’s sexuality. 4. Creating a ritual for initiating and refusing sex. 5. Creating a ritual for being able to comfortably talk about sex together. 6. Communicating with one another during sex. 7. Selecting fun and sexy things to do together.
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TGI Couple’s Newsletter
Summer 2012
Reconnecting on Your Summer Vacation Laura Heck, MFT Not only is it important for your own personal mental well being to take time off work and get away during the summer months, but it is also important for the health and stability of your relationship. Sometimes, however, summer vacations can often feel more like work and less like play. The kids are home for the summer and nagging with boredom, your house is in a state of constant upheaval, and the aftermath of last week’s camping trip sits in your basement in a pile of endless laundry. What gives? If you don’t deliberately make it a priority to connect emotionally with your partner by spending time together this summer, your relationship can easily get swept under the rug. Here is a story from my private practice of how one couple made time to connect while on vacation: Paul and Erica packed the Salsa Card Deck and Love Maps Card Deck into their luggage while on
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their recent vacation to Florida. Once the kids were settled into their seats on the flight, Paul and Erica flipped through the Love Maps Card Deck, answering the open ended questions and exploring each other’s dreams, goals, likes, and dislikes. Both were surprised by the amount of new information they learned about each other, even after years of marriage together. Erica in particular felt a powerful emotional connection stirring while in flight and was eager to move onto the Salsa Card Deck. The couple made an agreement that while on their weeklong family vacation, they would select one card daily from the Salsa Card Deck and try a new suggestion for spicing up their intimacy to create lasting memories from their trip. Their romantic adventures, both inside and
outside of the bedroom, created a new meaning for their family vacation – it was no longer “all about the kids.” While sitting on the plane heading back to the mainland, Paul and Erica giggled quietly as they held hands and shared a deeper emotional bond. Thanks for reading! Have a great summer.
-Laura
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TGI Couple’s Newsletter
Summer 2012
The Heart of Parenting: Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children through Emotion Coaching Over the next few months, Drs. John and Julie Gottman will be presenting a brand new workshop just for parents titled, “The Heart of Parenting: Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children through Emotion Coaching.” Based on years of research by Dr. John Gottman, this one-day event is designed to teach parents of children ages 2 to 13 about emotions and how they can successfully raise emotionally intelligent children. Studies show that emotion-coached kids become emotionally intelligent people who are better able to control impulses, motivate themselves, focus attention and perform better academically, to name a few. Parents can become emotion coaches in just five easy steps, such as noticing your child’s lower intensity emotions so they don’t need to escalate, seeing these emotional moments as an opportunity for intimacy or teaching, helping your child verbally label their feelings, expressing understanding and empathy, and setting clear and consistent limits and helping your child problem solve. Hosted in an intimate setting with no more than 40 participants, this workshop includes live presentations from John ad Julie Gottman as well as film demonstrations, exercises, tools, and interactive opportunities to practice the skills of emotion coaching. Parents who attend these workshops and develop these skills can help their children become healthy, compassionate and moral adults who are likely to make positive life choices. There are only two more live emotion coaching workshops remaining and spaces are filling quickly. Visit our website for more information about our Sunday, August 12th workshop in North Bend, Washington, and Tuesday, October 9th workshop in Seattle, Washington.
Register online now at www.gottman.com. www.gottman.com
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TGI Couple’s Newsletter
Summer 2012
Upcoming Live ASL Couple’s Workshops: This two day, in-person workshop will give you new insights and research-based relationship skills that can dramatically improve the intimacy and friendship in your relationship, and help you resolve conflict in a healthy, productive way.
Location
Date
Contact Information
St. Louis, MO Mill Valley, CA Saskatoon, SK Austin, TX Vancouver, BC Seattle, WA* Santa Rosa, CA Houston, TX Winnipeg, MB Simcoe, ON Baltimore/ Washington, DC Edwardsville, IL Calgary, AB Vancouver, BC Mill Valley, CA Seattle, WA* Calgary, AB Winnipeg, MB Saskatoon, SK Simcoe, ON Mill Valley, CA Vancouver, BC
Sept 29-30, 2012 Sept 29-30, 2012 Sept 29-30, 2012 Oct 13-14, 2012 Oct13-14, 2012 Oct 20-21, 2012 Oct 27-28, 2012 Oct 27-28, 2012 Oct 27-28, 2012 Nov 3-4, 2012 Nov 3-4, 2012 Nov 3-4, 2012 Nov 3-4, 2012 Feb 2-3, 2013 Feb 9-10, 2013 Feb 9-10, 2013 Feb 23-24, 2013 March 2-3, 2013 March 9-10, 2013 April 13-14, 2013 May 4-5, 2013 May 4-5, 2013
www.stlouiscouplesworkshops.com www.acouplesworkshop.com www.bestmarriages.com/couples-workshop-saskatoon/ txcplsworkshops@gmail.com www.bestmarriages.com/couples-workshop-vancouver/ www.gottman.com/54740/Couples-Workshops.html www.sonomacouplesworkshops.com www.crwhouston.com www.bestmarriages.com/couples-workshop-winnipeg/ www.fidlerassociates.com www.swolfephd.com www.nhbh.com www.bestmarriages.com/couples-workshop-calgary-2/ www.bestmarriages.com/couples-workshop-vancouver/ www.acouplesworkshop.com www.gottman.com/54740/Couples-Workshops.html www.bestmarriages.com/couples-workshop-calgary-2/ www.bestmarriages.com/couples-workshop-winnipeg/ www.bestmarriages.com/couples-workshop-saskatoon/ www.fidlerassociates.com www.acouplesworkshop.com www.bestmarriages.com/couples-workshop-vancouver/
Calgary, AB Mill Valley, CA Simcoe, ON
May 25-26, 2013 Sept 28-29, 2013 Nov 2-3, 2013
www.bestmarriages.com/couples-workshop-calgary-2/ www.acouplesworkshop.com www.fidlerassociates.com
* = The Seattle workshops will be presented by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. All others will be lead by Certified Gottman Therapists.
Can’t make it to a live workshop? You can attend the ASL Workshop from the comfort of your own living room with the updated and reformatted ASL DVD Box Set! It includes all manuals, card decks, and exercises you need for the full Gottman workshop experience. Please visit www.gottman.com for more information.
We also offer: EXCLUSIVE COUPLES RETREATS: Offered in a private, country setting. Weekend dates arranged at times convenient to participating couples. Limited availability. For more information, contact Joan Hoffman, Ph.D., at 410-876-1994 or email workshops@mastercouples.com GOTTMAN PRIVATE COUPLES' RETREATS: Orcas Island, WA - Presented by John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D. Learn research-based tools for building and maintaining intimacy in your relationship in the comfort of the Gottmans' own island home. For further information visit www.gottmancouplesretreats.com.
www.gottman.com
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TGI Couple’s Newsletter
Summer 2012
Meet the “Big Five” Certified Gottman Trainers Drs. John and Julie Gottman have personally trained a select group of five dynamic and energetic presenters to train clinicians in all levels of Gottman Training (Levels 1, 2, 3) plus Consultation and Certification Training. These five therapists are able to lead all three Levels of Gottman training workshops and can take clinicians all the way from Level 1 through Level 3. The goal for having these certified trainers is to provide training to those seeking to become Certified Gottman Therapists outside of Seattle. Eventually, with enough trainers, those seeking to become Certified Gottman Therapists will not have to leave their hometown. All “Big Five” trainers are able to present both in the USA and internationally.
Michael McNulty, Ph.D., LCSW Evanston, Illinois
Lawrence Stoyanowski, MSC, MFT, RCC Langley, BC
William Bumberry, Ph.D. Saint Louis, Missouri
Darren Wilk, MA, RCC. Langley, BC
Vagdevi Meunier, Psy.D. Austin, Tx
For contact information, please visit www.gottmanreferralnetwork.com
Up Close with Dave Penner, Ph.D Assistant Clinical Director Dave had been working in couple’s therapy for over 15 years before he attended a Gottman workshop, and for him, that was a pivotal moment in his career. Dave told us that Gottman method has “a practical, useful, and common-sense feel to it that gives clear direction to what’s going on with a couple, and a roadmap to help them reach their goals.” As the Assistant Clinical Director, Dave supervises and trains all consultants who work with the therapists going through consultation, and evaluates video reviews of the consultee’s videos – the final process for becoming a certified Gottman therapist. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child and Seven Principles are the two books and lecture DVDs Dave most frequently recommends to couples, along with the Gott Sex? video series. Dave says his job as the ACD is exciting because the Gottman method attracts therapists who are well rounded, educated people who are interested in a research foundation, and he gets to interact with many different clinicians who have expertise in many different areas.
www.gottman.com
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TGI Couple’s Newsletter
Summer 2012
ASL Couple’s Workshop: An Intern’s Perspective Jackie Sundquist, TGI Intern Since I was twelve I have wanted to be a marriage and family therapist. With that said, John and Julie Gottman have been my idols in the therapy world. As a psychology student at Western Washington University, interning at the Institute has been the most rewarding experience of my young clinical career. Over the past month, I have read several of their books and become very familiar with their products and services, both for couples as well as clinicians. Or so I thought. Attending a live ASL Couple’s Workshop for the first time provided me with a completely different perspective on the methods I had thought I was so familiar with. It was a unique, inspiring experience far from anything I had anticipated, further reinforcing my lifelong dream of becoming a MFT.
seemed initially uncomfortable in the couple’s workshop setting, relax and laugh at John’s analogies and anecdotes. Julie made the complex concepts easy to understand by providing demonstrations and leading the couples through exercises that I watched first-hand build friendship and intimacy.
John and Julie’s in-depth lectures provided new insight into “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” my personal favorite book of theirs, as I found myself taking notes in my workbook on new information from their lectures that I hadn’t caught before in my reading. After spending so much time with his published written material, this was my first time seeing John lecture live, and I was blown away by his clever sense of humor and charming, personable approach! I watched as men, who
On the second day, the woman asked me, “What is going on upstairs? What are you doing up there? These people are completely different today than they were yesterday!” She explained that she noticed the increase in handholding, laughter, and affection between the couples from the previous morning as they used the escalator. Once I told her that we were hosting a couple’s workshop, she asked for business cards and signed her son, grandson, and their partners up for
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Observing from the back of the room on the first morning of the workshop, I noticed that many of the couples appeared tense. By the second morning, however, it was as if entirely different couples had replaced the ones from the day before. The most powerful moment for me that exemplified this drastic change in companionship between the couples was a comment that was made to me by a staff member on escalator duty at the Washington State Convention Center.
our next workshop! Since that defining moment, I have come to think of those who attend our workshops (couples like you!) as real-life, “walking advertisements” for the Gottman Method and its use for couples. The experience is one that is not only internal, as evidenced by the overwhelmingly positive reviews given anonymously at the end of the workshop, but also externally visible, as couples leave our workshop with a more positive physical presence and demeanor than they came in with. The breakthroughs not only inspire the couples to lead better lives for themselves, but they also inspire others attending the workshop to take steps towards improvement in their own relationships. And if you don’t believe me, ask the woman on escalator duty at the Washington State Convention Center.
-Jackie 10
TGI Couple’s Newsletter
Summer 2012
Featured Product: The Relationship Guide The four booklets in this folder are powerful exercises for helping couples improve or strengthen their relationship. They are a small sampling of the tools and strategies used in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, world-renowned for helping couples succeed. Order now at Gottman.com! Couples and couples' therapists can use these four exercises as building blocks to create what Drs. John and Julie Gottman call the Sound Relationship House:
Breathing Relaxation: a soothing exercise to be used when emotions run high and 'flooding' occurs Great Listening: how to really hear and understand what your partner is saying Aftermath of a Fight: key steps to making repairs and getting back on track after regrettable incidents 7-week Guide for Creating Fondness & Admiration: how to reclaim and preserve good feelings about each other
• • • •
Coming soon to the Gottman.com Store:
52 Questions Before Baby Card Deck
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