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Wayne's World: Miserable Comforters
by Wayne Geiger
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The book of Job (rhymes with robe) is one of the oldest books in the Bible. Not only is it considered holy literature, but it is also recognized as a literary masterpiece. The purpose of the book centers around the question, “why does God allow the righteous to suffer?” If you haven’t read it, I won’t spoil the ending.
As the story begins, Job suffers the unimaginable, heart-wrenching loss of his family. He struggles to understand why this would happen to him. In his mourning, he is joined by several friends who come to his side in an attempt to comfort him.
Initially, they simply sit with Job and allow him to mourn. But then they make a fatal error. They open their mouths and try to explain the reason for Job’s plight and why he probably deserves to suffer.
Job has some choice words for his friends, calling them, “miserable comforters” and notes their “windy words.” We might translate that in today’s vernacular as “a bunch of blowhards.”
Attempting to comfort those who have suffered loss is a difficult. For one reason, we feel uncomfortable around people who are suffering. We feel as if we were invading their privacy. In addition, we just don’t know what to say. We struggle to find words beyond the common, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
One of the reasons we don’t comfort well is because we don’t mourn well. Many of us were raised being told, “don’t cry,” or “get a hold of yourself; you need to be strong.” So, we are left with the impression that expressing our grief is a sign of weakness and something to be avoided.
Yet, grief is a natural emotional response to loss. Not only is it natural, but it is necessary. Although all of us will express our grief differently, the bottom line is, we need to mourn.
However, grief is not something we just “get over.” Despite what we’ve been taught, there are no stages of grief. Years ago, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross authored a groundbreaking book on death and dying. She noted, what she called, “the 5 stages of grief.”
Her research was done on those who were terminally ill, but somehow the terminology was applied to anyone going through grief. This was never her intention. But those 5 stages have left an indelible mark on those suffering with grief.
They hope to discern what stage they are in to determine when they will be “done” with grief. Modern experts in the field of grief reject these stages and remind us that we don’t get over it. We learn, in time, to manage the pain and adapt to what has been termed, a “new normal.”
So, how do we comfort the hurting?
We need to remember that we can’t explain or justify what happened and we can’t “fix” the person or make the pain go away. We must also resist the urge to offer “windy words.” We find the silence painfully awkward and feel compelled to interrupt the quiet with words of wisdom.
We often repeat phrases that we have heard. In truth, people aren’t really looking for wisdom or for answers. They are looking for comfort. In addition, we don’t really know the answers for why they are suffering a loss.
Let me offer a couple of phrases that we should eliminate from our vocabulary. First, “I know how you feel.” In truth, we don’t know how they feel. We all mourn and express our grief differently. It is unfair and unkind to assume that our past grief will bring them comfort. Instead, we should say, “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. When I lost my husband, it was one of the darkest periods of my life.”
Another phrase to remove is, “Well, you still have your other children” or “you’re young and can get married again.” Although these sayings may be factual, they will not remove the pain. Imagine losing an eye and someone saying, “Well, at least you still have one eye.” The statement may be true, but it offers no comfort at the moment.
One final phrase to remove is, “God just needed another angel.” Putting on my theological hat here, people do not “become” angels. People and angels are two different beings that God created, each with a purpose.
Also, to suggest that God, who has myriads and myriads of the heavenly host with Him in heaven, would need one more person is stretching it. God has no needs. None of us can attempt to speak for God and offer an explanation for the complexities of the universe. Phrases like these cause us to be “miserable comforters.”
When visiting someone who is grieving, realize that just showing up means a great deal. Your presence will speak volumes. Another way to communicate love is to bring food, cards, memorabilia, and stories of what they meant to you. Say things about the departed like, “I will always treasure the memories,” or “I’ll always hold them in my heart as they helped make me a better person.”
In speaking personally to the grieving person say, “My heart is so heavy for you” or “I will be by your side” or “You can feel safe to cry with me.” Naturally, use phrases that are sincere, personal, and appropriate for the relationship.
The price of loving someone brings the potential of having to go through the process of grieving. Grieving is normal and natural. Should the unfortunate time arise when we need to offer comfort, rather than being “miserable comforters” may we offer meaningful comfort.
Wayne Geiger is the Pastor of First Baptist Church Grain Valley, an Adjunct Associate Professor of Speech at Johnson Country Community College, and a freelance writer.
