Wayne's World: You Can't Make Me Mad

by Wayne Geiger

I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions, but I’m all about making positive changes—anytime of the year. I made a decision quite a few years ago that has been life-changing for me. I decided that people can’t make me angry.

For me, that decision has made me a better, kinder, more-relaxed person. It took me a while to get there, and I’m still fine tuning, but the decision has changed my life.

Please don’t misunderstand me. When I say, “people can’t make me angry,” I am not saying that I don’t get angry. Like everyone else, from time to time, I do get angry. Getting angry is not the issue. The issue is all about perspective.

What I am saying is that I made a conscious decision years ago to take ownership of my feelings and my actions. I have changed my perspective to say, “You can't make me angry; instead, I make the choice to get angry.” Simple.

It’s more than simple semantics, really. For me, the perspective has become quite liberating and refreshing. If I say “you make me angry,” what I am saying is that I am not in control of my own feelings. Instead, I have handed my emotions over to someone else and become a prisoner to that person. I have become a puppet on a string.

I realized years ago that playing the blame game didn’t help. I learned I needed to own up to my own feelings and actions and stop being the victim. In so doing, I also choose to accept the consequences for my actions.

That change in perspective puts me in the driver’s seat. So, if someone cuts in front of me in the line at Walmart, they don’t make me angry. Instead, I have the power over my emotions and can choose my response. Sometimes, I respond well. Sometimes, I may not respond well. However, in each case I take ownership of my attitude and actions.

Psychologists tell us that anger is a secondary emotion. In other words, anger is always an emotional response to some external circumstance. Here are a couple of examples:

We may get angry when we don’t get our way. Our boss tells us that we have to work late, but we really want to leave. In response, we become frustrated and irritated. We feel that we have been violated or taken advantage of by someone. We then lash out in anger at others.

We get angry when we are afraid. When our 16-year-old comes home late, we respond in anger by saying, “where have you been!” Our anger is a defense mechanism that blocks our true emotions. The underlying emotion may be fear. We may have been afraid that that they were hurt or something bad happened them.

Anger can also be a response to physical or psychological pain. Years ago, our family suffered the loss of a pet that was very special to us. It was a time of intense sadness. I also experienced anger. In my anger, I wanted to get rid of all of the pet supplies and said, “no more dogs.” My anger was only a mask that prevented me from dealing with the deeper, natural emotion of pain and loss. Anger properly channeled can be a good thing. Anger, directed properly, can motivate us to work for change. However, anger can also be destructive especially if we respond inappropriately or if we don’t deal with the true emotion lying below the surface. The path to healing and resolution, then, is to identify the trigger and the underlying, true emotion. This takes some introspection and may also bring pain.

For example, let’s say that the kids keep coming in and out of the house slamming the door. With each slam, you get more and more irritated and upset. Finally, you boil over and, in desperation, you explode, “if you slam that door one more time…”

The obvious trigger is that the kids keep coming in and going out of the door. But, what is the underlying emotion? It could be a number of things:

You are hungry (hangry) or tired and just want to relax.

You’re trying to concentrate on something important and the noise is a constant interruption from your progress.

Things are tough financially and you really dislike the fact that you are paying for the heat and it is escaping out the front door.

Naturally, the best way to handle the above scenario is to deal with it head on. First, set the ground rules. Then, as much as possible, explain your rationale. Third, talk about the potential consequences if the rules are broken. Finally, enforce the rules when violated. In doing so, you minimize the potential for a hostile situation and you remain in control.

Getting angry is part of being human. Anger itself is not the issue. The problem is an unhealthy response to our anger. We have all heard stories of people who have unleashed a great amount of hurt and grief because they could not control their anger. In truth, we could all probably hang our heads and confess that there have been times when we have caused ourselves—and others—pain because of our mismanagement of anger.

Thankfully, this does not need to be the case. We can't always change our circumstances, but when it comes to anger, we can take ownership of our feelings and choose our response.

Nobody can make us mad. We are in the driver’s seat and have the power to change our own lives. And, if you think about it, the only one we can really change is ourselves.