Graveey’s Official Step-by-Step Guide: Petting Your Cat
Step 1 Assess the Situation
Is this cat safe to pet?
Bro this cat is in a tree so don’t even think about petting it. There’s a risk of scaring the cat and causing harm it to fall from the tree. While cats always land on their feet, you might face the wrath of one angry feline.
The first step to petting your cat: Assess the Situation. You want to make sure your cat is in a good space and won’t swipe at you when you make contact with them. The easiest mistake to make in this process is assuming any cat will love a good petting at any time. This way of thinking is dangerous and can cause serious harm to you mentally and physically. Properly assessing the situation will help avoid any unnecessary wounds and keep your relationship with your cat happy and healthy. Here are some things to consider in your assessment: • Location • Location is everything. Ensure that your cat is in a place that is “petting-friendly.” A common spot your cat could be in is curled up on the couch. This would be a great place to have a good petting session. If your feline is feeling feisty chilling on a tree branch, you might want to avoid petting them so they won’t be surprised and fall out of the tree. While cats always land on their feet, you don’t want to make them fall (for your sake). • Activity • This is the time you can ask the question everything wonders: “What is that cat doing?” If your cat is busy at work, you will not want to touch them. This includes activities such as grooming, chasing mice, and playing with a laser pointer. If your cat is taking a light cat nap, that would be the purrfect time to give them a few pats. Keep in mind that every cat is different, and some might prefer to be left alone more than other cats.
Is this cat safe to pet?
Let’s take a look at what this cat is doing. Based on the position, it looks like this there’s some grooming going on here. This depends on the individual cat, but generally it’s safest to not proceed in the petting process.
• Comfort • In this area of the assessment, you’re going to do something I hope everyone is familiar with. You will proceed with the Vibe Check. You heard me right. You’re going to Vibe Check your cat to see if they’re in the right mood to be pet. If your fluffy companion is a little grumpy pants, then you will no longer proceed in the following steps to properly pet your cat. If they’re in a great mood, then keep on reading and you’ll be set.
Is this cat safe to pet?
It looks like this cat is totally vibing. Based on my years of research and experimentation, this kitty is safe to pet. Go ahead and give it a go! But remember to keep on following the other steps, coming up next.
Step 2 Make a Plan Now that you have assessed the situation and determined the target is safe to approach, you must make a plan. But this isn’t just any walk in the park like stealing the Declaration of Independence, this is a dangerous mission that could result in some nasty mental/physical wounds. Being denied by cat is hard on a person and you usually have marks to show how your pet felt in that moment. Let’s leave those moments in the past and start making a plan. As you formulate your strategy, remember that every move you make must be intentional. Your cat has been watching you since the moment you met and you can’t afford to slip up at any time. Keep this in mind and you will be safe, I promise. First you must plan how to approach the cat. Will you make eye contact? How will you walk? Is your cat better responsive to confidence or a more humble approach? Think of all the ways your cat has reacted to various interactions you have had and think of the attitude of your approach. Keeping in mind the way your cat has reacted in the past will help lead to a successful petting. Next you need to plan how you will actually pet your cat. What areas do you see your cat itching the most? This can be against furniture, where the scratch, and where they itch against you. Some common areas kitties like to be pet is under their chin, the top of their head, and their back. Belly rubs are much appreciated, but you might need to work your way up to that level. A key thing to keep in mind is that all cats are different. Sometime you can pet a cat wherever and they’ll absolutely love it. Other times if you even just look at a spot a cat doesn’t want you to touch they’ll let you know. It all comes down to what spots your cat obviously likes to scratched, as long as they actually let you do it. On the right you will see a cat holding up a QR code of me making a plan to pet my cat. Be sure to scan this so you fully understand how best to go about this step. It’ll be sure to get you rolling to the next step.
Here’s a video to help you make the purrfect plan!
Step 3 Approach the target (slowly) Now it’s time for you approach the target! SLOWLY is key here. You don’t want to run straight at the cat and scare the poor thing. That will end badly for both of you and no petting will occur. The two biggest things to pay attention to at this step is how your cat is responding to your approach. Are they angry? Abort the mission. Are they content? Feel free to keep going. Hotel? Trivago. You know how it be. Let’s take a look at what to look out for and how to handle how your cat is feeling. Here are some signs your cat might be feeling angry: • Bushy tail • Hissing • Laid back ears • Feeling the gates of hell open beneath you to swallow you whole The easiest solution if you notice any of these is simply to stop. Don’t go any further and find something else to occupy your mind. Your cat might be more willing to allow a petting later. Here are some signs your cat might be feeling happy: • Slow blinking • Content/curious meow • Relaxed posture • Angel harps playing in the background If these are the most prominent behaviors you see your cat displaying, feel free to continue to the next step!
Above is an example of an angry cat. Below is a happy one.
Step 4 Attempt the petting Now is the step we’ve all been waiting for. You may now attempt the petting! If you’ve followed the previous steps properly, you will be successful in this next step. Be sure to read this page very carefully. You’re right next to your cat, ready to pet them. You haven’t seen any noticeable angry behaviors and your hand is ready to go. Before you make contact, make sure the cat appreciates your efforts thus far. Slowly reach your hand out right in front of their nose so they can sniff it. If they seem fine and happy with your hand, you may now touch the cat. If your cat begins to show negative signs toward your very existence, ABORT THE MISSION IMMEDIATELY. Like said in the previous step, go do something else to occupy your mind. They may be willing to tolerate your touch later. Now that you’ve touched the cat, start slow with the pets. You don’t want to overwhelm your cat with affection. That’s a bad look for you and they will take notes. Start petting your cat’s back from their head to the start of the tail (some cats don’t like their tail being touched so avoid it for now). Be sure to check the map on the right page out to know where to pet! Make sure to follow the flow of their fur so you don’t mess it up. Cats are rather vain creatures and take great pride in their fur. If you mess it up, bad news bears. While you’re in the beginning stages of petting your cat, make sure to notice if they start showing any irritated behaviors. If they do, try stopping whatever way of petting you’re doing. If their annoyance persists, again, ABORT THE MISSION. Find something else to do. You know the drill. The image on the right accurately shows a cat that is annoyed with petting. If you see this, flee. If all goes well, you’ve been petting your cat for a bit at this point. This is the perfect time to go to the next step: Notice What Your Cat Likes.
Step 5 Notice what your cat likes Now let’s notice what your cat likes! How does your cat react to certain parts of their body being pet? We’ve gone over the signs of whether your cat is angry or happy, so be sure to notice those. As long as your cat is happy, keep on petting those areas. I noted a few places your cat might like to be scratched and a map showed basic areas to pet on the previous step. This is your job to notice where you can pet your cat. I’ve met many cats that only like to be scratched on their face while some others don’t want to be touched there at all. Every cat is different and appreciates different things. Take notes on what they like. Be sure to let other people try to pet your cat (as long as they follow the proper steps) and see what they have to say. Having multiple people experimenting on where to pet will make this step much easier. In fact, most cat pet research facilities will assign 10 people to one cat to ensure all kinds of opinions have been made. This is 100% a true fact. I am in fact qualified. Why would you question that? Anyway, basically get your friends to swoon over your cat. If your cat begins licking you or others while they’re being pet, this is a FANTASTIC sign that they love what’s going on. Grooming is a sign of affection in the cat world and that means you’re doing a great job. Keep it up! We are now at the end of step 5, which means we’re very close to the end my friend. I’ll give a little spoiler and say that from this pointon you’re just going to be showing your appreciation. Onward to the final steps!
Step 6 Thank the deity of your choice After you have successfully pet your cat, go ahead and pray to whatever deity you choose. The right is a little biased to Christian religion, but those were the best pictures I could find. Really go ahead and pray to whomever you choose! In your prayers, make sure to thank the deity for allowing such a sacred and impressive act to take place. Thank them for the existence of your cat and yourself. Without either of those, I wouldn’t be able to make money selling this booklet to you. And you couldn’t pet your cat I guess. But really, show gratitude and ask that future pettings will be possible and maybe even easier if you think you should ask. While saying these prayers, be sure to first and foremost think of the cat. You don’t want to anger them in any way, shape, or form in this last few moments. Remember, the cats are taking notes. They will remember what you do, say, or think. Once you’ve completed your prayers to the gods, you might be thinking, “Shweeeeeet! I’m done bro let’s party it up!” You’re wrong on two things: 1. Your language is outdated and awkward. Stop talking like that smh 2. My broski you’re not done dude. Before you party it up you gotta do the next and final step Let’s continue on to the last step… Maybe pray it wont be your last...
Step 7 Now that the gods are out of the way, thank the ultimate power (your cat)
Let’s be real here, your cat is the real power behind allowing the petting. Just look at the cat on the right, there’s power in those eyes that could annihilate you in seconds. Always be sure to thank the deity of your choice, but remember that you must always appreciate the cat. One way to show your gratitude is by providing a regular supply of catnip. Another is by making sure you share with them what tuna you have in the house. You can also make sure to have countless cat toys so they’re never bored. There is a multitude of simple ways you can show your appreciation to your cat. But let’s be real, these are never enough. There must be a flair to your worshipping and this is the best way to do it: The ultimate display of gratitude is reciting the Cat Chant. Yes, indeed you heard me correctly, and remember I’m the pro here. I’ve done at least 30 minutes of research so you believe me. The Cat Chant is accomplished by saying the following three times while hopping on one foot at exactly 3:00 pm CAT time:
Gratias ago tibi, cat ad recipiendum amorem et affectum meum. After this recitation has taken place, you must immediately run out and lay down in the sunshine (or moonshine if it’s dark; the alcoholic beverage works too). This lets the cats know that you’re serious about your Cat Chant so don’t you forget it. Once you have adequately shown your appreciation to your cat, they will grace you with the ultimate vibez and a craving for salmon. Congratulations, in the eyes of the ultimate power you are worthy. Remember to always follow these steps (especially the last one {the cats made me type that}) and the Feline Gods will always grace you. Catspeed and have an especially meowy Christmas. Amen.
Safe petting!
awkward cat says love you <3
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