Dear Kerry

I have a teenage daughter and my new husband has a young daughter, as well. He is a wonderful stepdad to my daughter, but I just can’t seem to connect to his daughter. I’m not trying to replace her mother, but I do want to have a great relationship with her. How can I build her trust?

Building the relationship with your stepchildren can be one of the most difficult parts of establishing the dynamic for your blended family, so be sure to take it slow. Allow your stepchild to establish the pace of bonding. Teens can be tough eggs to crack as it is, and she may have some feelings about you or your role in her life that she has not shared with you yet. Be there for her just as another supportive adult in her life, and let her learn to trust you over time. She already has two parents, a third should just be a bonus.

Picture yourself in her shoes. Stepchildren do not get a choice in a lot of decisions made for their homelife. Their parents are separating and finding new partners, and they may not know the parameters of the custody schedule. None of those things tend to be up to them, which can be frustrating for anyone. Start by exploring some of her interests and pursue something in which you might also naturally be interested. Allow the relationship to grow organically to give yourselves an authentic foundation for a relationship.

Let the biological parents do the discipline; you are there for support, guidance and – if you are lucky – fun dish and secrets. As your relationship grows and time goes on, the trust will naturally grow. Keep in mind that trust is earned, not given. Depending on what has happened in this girl’s past, she may be slow to trust – and that is something that would not necessarily be about you.

Be real, and encourage the same from your stepchildren. Kids tend to not get enough credit, but they pick up on quite a bit. They will be able to tell if you are not being real with them, so skip the feelings of distrust and offer them the same respect and openness you would hope to receive. Don’t bother to pretend to be something you’re not, and encourage the same kind of openness from them. Eventually, you will look up one day and realize the trust in your relationship would not have been able to grow in any other way. ■

Kerry Hart is a couple and family therapist with a private practice in East Lansing. The only thing she loves more than saving relationships is writing about them. See more of her musings at kerryhartcounseling.com.

HOW TO BE A GREAT MENTOR COURTESY OF MCC

Mentors can have profound impacts on the lives of the people they mentor. A mentor is often a source of wisdom and support over the course of months or even years. The relationship between mentor and mentee can endure as long as each person desires. Serving as a mentor can be rewarding. Certain traits and practices set mentors apart. Those who want to be mentors can follow these tips. Be a good and active listener Mentors help mentees navigate the tricky waters of life but will not solve all problems. Mentors need to listen to what mentees say, meaning good listening skills are an essential trait for prospective mentors. After listening, mentors can provide a host of solutions, though ultimately it is up to the mentee to find his or her own path. Meld with the mentee Mentors and their mentees need to be close and compatible. A good mentor will not try to manipulate or influence decisions, but realize that support and guidance are the best ways to get messages across. Asking a lot of questions and truly getting to know the mentee can set a strong foundation for the relationship. Emphasize learning Mentors realize that continuing education is vital to success. Good mentors tend to be lifelong learners who share the lessons they’ve learned with the people they mentor. Even though they may not always be experts, mentors try to be as informed as possible on topics that relate to the mentorship. Set expectations It is one thing to provide support, but mentors also should inspire their mentees to work hard. Once mentees cite their goals, good mentors will share their own expectations and goals for their mentees, even going so far as to offer advice as to how to achieve those goals. Deliver honest feedback Good mentors will not sugarcoat feedback in order to stay in their mentee’s good graces. A mentor should aspire to be both a critic and a coach. Even though mentees may want to garner praise, mentors know it is important to say what others may not be willing to say. With the right feedback, mentees can flourish. Honesty, listening skills, a lifelong desire to learn, and the ability to mesh with a mentee are all qualities of solid mentors. ■ Honesty, listening skills, a life-long desire to learn, and the ability to mesh with a mentee are all qualities of solid mentors.

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• Seniors have always had a companion to share life with: a parent, sibling, roommate, spouse. Studies have shown the need of social interaction is critical to seniors’ well-being.

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• “ ” Mom is thriving with her new roommate and companion. It amazes me how Jane (her roommate) worries when it appears that Mom is going to leave with me. She is so quick to tell me all the positives about their relationship. I enjoy seeing how important they are to each other. — Daughter of Resident

A Tradition of Caring Together

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HEALTH &HAPPINESS