and wore a trench coat over it, like Aurdrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. When I got home, the bed was distressed, and you were nowhere to be found. I texted you saying I was coming home early, to which you responded, “Be home soon. I am out with a friend from out of town.” Who was this friend, I thought. I tried to think nothing of it. That night always stuck with me. When we moved into this new place, everything changed. You got a job, and I got pregnant. You were out more, and I was out less. Our nights on the couch seemed to have slipped out from under me, and so did you. When you finally came in to bed at night, we never had pillow talk or even sex at that point. I would doze off to sleep, and you stayed up writing in another black leather journal. Writing your life away. Yesterday marked a year you’ve been gone. Yesterday Quincy turned three months old. I read the journals yesterday. I have this fucked up ritual where I read them every fourth Sunday of the month, but sometimes, when I miss you, I read them to remind myself I shouldn’t. Yesterday was one of those days. I have been looking back to the past recently, looking for clarity or answers or signs or I don’t know, something. How did I not see the waving red flag that stood in your place on the couch? Why did I never ask to read your journals? I’ll never forget that night. I had suspected something was going on for a while, but I saw no place to turn. I went into the library, and sat on the couch with a cup of tea. My eyes locked to your journals. I picked up one, ran my hand over the smooth leather, and turned the page. Hours later, I was still turning pages. You walked in, your hair fluffed. The next morning you left. I ask myself every day why I don’t resent you, and then I look at Quincy. She has your eyes, your single dimple, and when I cuddle her all I think is I hope you are well. I have many questions, and it is hard having them unanswered. But now, Quincy is my answer. She has taken your place on the couch with me. I thank you for her. I imagine the falls are beautiful. Enjoy the view.
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