TABLE OF CONTENTS
Groupon-Approved Valentine’s Date Ideas The More You Know – The Origins of Valentine’s Day How to Be Romantic If You Thought Your Valentine’s Day was Bad – Imagine This A Fool-Proof Love Potion What to do When You’re Alone on Valentine’s Day The Art of the Secret Valentine’s
DISCLAIMER Groupon is not responsible for broken hearts and/or bones that may result from the use of the information in this eBook. All the information contained herein is totally fictional and is not meant to be taken seriously. Please exercise your sense of humour when reading.
Groupon-Approved Valentine’s Date Ideas By Katinka Hornswaggle Valentine’s Day only comes around once a year, and it’s your only chance to show your significant other just what a catch you really are. Rather than waste your money on a bouquet of cheap, plastic roses and a box of heart-shaped chocolates, show your special someone just how quirky you can be with this fool-proof list of Groupon-Approved Date Ideas. 1. Take part in an Arcade Triathlon and see who can get the highest scores at Pac-Man, FoosBall and Air Hockey 2. Dress up as superheroes and stop at least one petty crime, like littering or hooting too loud 3 . Walk around a city and perform short silent plays in front of security cameras 4. Go SpeedDating and compare notes at the end 5 . Go to a shopping mall and pretend to be a tourist from a foreign country. Make up your own language and get really enthusiastic when people don’t understand you 6. Dress up as pirates and have a sword fight. Bonus points if you go to a pet store and try to convince them to buy a parrot with chocolate coins 7. Head to a restaurant and fake a failed wedding proposal. Have a public fight and reconciliation. Enjoy as the other patrons cheer for you 8. Have dinner separately in the same restaurant and send each other drinks and notes through the waiter
The More You Know – The Origins of Valentine’s Day by Vonhilda Strausenrausen Valentine’s Day is the day our society celebrates love, the gestures of which are measured with clichéd notions of what it means to be “romantic,” like how much money you spend on your significant other in the form of red roses wrapped in cellophane with hearts on it, fluffy white toy animals with hearts embroidered on them, heart-shaped chocolates, trite Hallmark cards, jewellery and frilly underwear with even more hearts on it - all ridiculously overpriced by department stores who are only interested in ripping off ordinary people. Why love and desire are associated with candy, pink hearts and baby-faced cupids is a mystery. It wasn’t always like that. Valentine ’s Day is rooted in some radical pagan partying. Our ancestors had very different ideas about how to celebrate passion.
DISCLAIMER Groupon is not responsible for broken hearts and/or bones that may result from the use of the information in this eBook. All the information contained herein is totally fictional and is not meant to be taken seriously. Please exercise your sense of humour when reading.
According to some historians, our fluffy red and pink day of romance actually had quite dark and bloody origins. In ancient Rome, from 13 to 15 February, the pagan feast of Lupercalia was celebrated. The men would get raucously drunk, strip naked, sacrifice goats and dogs and then run through the city whipping women with the blood-splattered hides of the animals they had just slaughtered. Young, naked women would line the streets, exposing themselves for the men to hit them, believing this would make them fertile. The festival included a matchmaking “love lottery” in which young, single men drew the names of women from a jar and became paired with her for the duration of the festival. The new couples were then often sexual partners for the rest of the year. After the Christian Church became powerful, they outlawed this festival and renamed it St. Valentine’s Day in an attempt to cover up the pagan ritual. The church decided that finding a sexual partner by means of a lottery was not something Jesus would condone, because of course, he was conceived by virgin birth. Despite the ban, the mid-February holiday was still used by Roman men to seek the affection of women. A more sedate tradition of giving women handwritten messages declaring their love developed instead. So this year, when you are buying your lover a bunch of roses that costs as much as a month’s salary, or thinking what sexy, mushy stuff you are supposed to say in a Valentine’s Day card, think back on the wild origins of this day and on how much all our society’s so-called celebrations today are just about buying stuff. Give some thought to how we could reinvent this day to make it something more exciting, soul-shaking and meaningful. No more fluffy toys in the name of Love!
How to Be Romantic By Octavia Ravenhorst Being romantic isn’t as easy as it used to be. Nowadays, you can’t just hand someone a handkerchief or challenge their fiancé to a duel to win someone’s affection. Groupon has made it easy to woo your boo with these sure-to-win romance tips: 1. Always wear at least four coats so you can cover any puddles, offensive graffiti or weird looking children you come across 2. Memorise your partner’s schedule and fill every room they enter with scented candles before they arrive 3. Cut your eyes out of all of your photographs and tape them to the inside of your partner's car, so they’ll know you’re always watching out for them 4. Hire a clown to wake your partner up in the middle of the night, because nothing's more romantic than laughter 5. Have all their phone calls routed to your phone so that you can protect them from unwanted attention 6. Hire a band to follow your significant other around and play mood-specific music all day DISCLAIMER Groupon is not responsible for broken hearts and/or bones that may result from the use of the information in this eBook. All the information contained herein is totally fictional and is not meant to be taken seriously. Please exercise your sense of humour when reading.
If You Thought Your Valentine’s Day was Bad – Imagine This By Electratina Coffinberry Ever wake up on Valentine’s Day and know exactly what you will be doing? What if your boyfriend has a wife? What do you do then? For one, you could enjoy the day on your own or go over to his wife and spill the beans. I’d say we spill the beans. After many lonely dinners at your favourite restaurant you meet the tall dark and handsome man you have been looking for, let’s call him Mr X. Mr X takes you on the best dates, treats you like the lady you are and calls when he says he will. There’s just one problem, he has his Mrs. After seeing Mr X for two years and two lonely Valentine’s Days later, you plan on revealing it all to his wife - who he said he would leave, by the way. You take the “Day of Love” off and pamper yourself. This does wonders to your soul. Make sure you leave early enough, though, you need to catch Mr and Mrs X before they leave. So this is how it will go down: 1. You arrive in your sexy lingerie and tell Mrs X you have been seeing her husband for two years. 2.She beats you up - just try not to get a blue eye 3. The husband says you are lying. Mrs X cries and they chase you away. 4. Mr X finally admits it to his wife and says he has filed for divorce. 5. You arrive at the door but you don’t have the heart to hurt someone who is actually innocent. You think to yourself what you will gain from exposing Mr X. Mrs X could finally know what kind of husband she has or she can go on living her happy life. You could not destroy what you had no action in creating, so you decided to leave. You are driving home, another sad Valentine’s Day, and you just couldn’t make it sad for someone else. Maybe next year, you hope, things will be different. You get back home and Mr X is waiting with flowers and an apology. You decide that you don’t want Mr X, he’s not worth it, just to be with someone on Valentine’s Day at the expense of another – no thanks. Later that day you take a nap after all the crying over failed relationships and an ex fiancé who left you for someone else. You drift deeper into a peaceful sleep, only to wake on Valentine’s Day next to Mr X who turns out to be your husband, not the cheating kind but the loving kind, who does not have or ever had another wife. Turns out you will be spending the day of love, with your biggest love.
DISCLAIMER Groupon is not responsible for broken hearts and/or bones that may result from the use of the information in this eBook. All the information contained herein is totally fictional and is not meant to be taken seriously. Please exercise your sense of humour when reading.
Make Your Own Love Potion Brew this tea on a Friday during a waxing moon: • • • • • • • • •
Two teaspoons of loose black tea The juice of half a lemon Powdered boar testicles A sprig of rosemary Powdered cinnamon Tomato sauce Truffles One of your soon-to-be lover’s socks One apple, kept under the armpit, in the heat of the summer, for five hours
Combine all the ingredients in a copper kettle and allow to simmer for about four hours. The potion is ready when the ingredients have crystallised. The potion should then be smoked under the light of a blue moon.
What to do When You’re Alone on Valentine’s Day By Armand Bloedwyne Valentine’s Day might be the day of love, but that doesn’t mean you have to be sad if you’re spending it alone. Groupon is happy to provide some tips on how to have a good time when you’re alone this Valentine’s: 1. Order a pizza from at least four different restaurants. When the delivery people arrive, make them battle to the death for the chance to share the evening with you. 2. Buy three-dozen red roses and hide them all over your house. Take selfies of yourself “finding” them and post them to Facebook with captions like “My S.O. is soooo romantic.” 3. Learn to speak Spanish 4. Throw a Christmas party. Invite all your friends and make them bring presents. Ask someone to dress up as Santa. 5. When someone reminds you that it’s Valentine’s Day, stick your fingers in your ears and shout “TRALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.”
DISCLAIMER Groupon is not responsible for broken hearts and/or bones that may result from the use of the information in this eBook. All the information contained herein is totally fictional and is not meant to be taken seriously. Please exercise your sense of humour when reading.
The Art of the Secret Valentine By Professor Salazar VonPegasus It’s the middle of February and valentine’s preparations are hanging over the month like a bad smell, getting up the nostrils of even the most cynical among us and filling our heads with romantic notions and bad poetry. It’s a time of year when people from all walks of life celebrate the idea of romance, love and turning the usually mumbled and embarrassing phrase of “…arglhumblaaargle?” into, “Hey, wanna go out sometime?”. But even if you find the perfect person to celebrate Valentine’s with, how do you go about getting their attention in the first place? The answer, as always, is supplied by Groupon for your convenience, giving hopeless romantics and the just plain hopeless a guide to the mine field of Valentine’s Day cards and messages. Rule 1: Go easy on the prose… As tempted as you may be to whip out the old high school poetry textbook and pilfer some choice sonnets for your valentine, its best to remember that these poems were written in a time before we had lil Wayne and 50 Cent shouting about guns and ho’s on MTV. Subtlety is not what it once was, put down the Shakespeare and move on… Rule 2: Scary isn’t sexy… While anonymous cards from ”your secret valentine” can be fun, it’s best not to end cards with anything too intense like “From your secret admirer, who knows where you live” ; “from your secret admirer who loved the outfit you wore the other day, you know? The one with the stripes?” and the ever popular but still not a great idea “from your secret admirer who’s hiding somewhere in the house. Come find me!” Rule 3: Appropriate gifts… The Valentine’s Day present is a tradition that’s been celebrated ever since chocolate companies realised we had more money than capacity to express our feelings. Your anonymous card might well benefit from a present but it’s probably best to avoid proven bad ideas and pitfalls like; getting her a puppy, but wrapping and posting it to her on February 10; Sending back the clothes you stole off their washing line or trying to make lingerie out of an old cereal box. Rule 4: Setting the scene… It can be nerve wracking enough giving someone a Valentine’s Day card, so make sure you don’t do anything overly ambitious. A nice touch could be showing up with a bottle of wine or a bunch of flowers. A not so nice touch would be writing your Valentines name in petrol on their lawn and setting it on fire. Rule 5: To thine own self be true… In the end it’s best to remember that Valentine’s Day is about both finding true love and making your friends laugh at your romantic ineptitude. It’s in this spirit that Groupon hopes you ignore all the advice flying around this time of year and come up with your own terrible ideas to create some truly awkward, funny and horrifyingly real Valentines moments for yourself.
DISCLAIMER Groupon is not responsible for broken hearts and/or bones that may result from the use of the information in this eBook. All the information contained herein is totally fictional and is not meant to be taken seriously. Please exercise your sense of humour when reading.