5 QUESTIONS

5QUESTIONS WITH

The Creator of the ‘Council of Dads’ Believes Life is in the Transitions

Bill Shafer

Bruce Feiler is the author of six, consecutive “New York Times” bestsellers and was the inspiration for the drama series “Council of Dads” on NBC. His online TED Talks have been viewed over 2 million times. His new book, “Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age,” describes his journey across America collecting hundreds of life stories, exploring how we can navigate life’s growing number of lifequakes and live with more meaning, purpose and joy.

Your book, written just before the pandemic, is all about how to deal with lifequakes. What is a lifequake?

We’re dealing with one right now! A lifequake is an unexpected event that’s high on the Richter scale of consequences and has aftershocks that last for years. I had just gone through several myself: I was diagnosed with cancer, I nearly went bankrupt and my dad, who has Parkinson’s, tried to take his own life. There was nowhere to turn for help in dealing with so many things at once. So, I headed out across the country, collecting wisdom from others who’ve gone through challenges, people who have lost limbs, lost homes and pushed through.Then low and behold, my book, “Life Is in the Transitions,” comes out when the entire planet happens to be going through a lifequake.

It seems like once we hit 50, lifequakes become more seismic. Is life more difficult as we get older? Are there ways to get through it?

Well, I think as we age changes do hit us harder; but that’s because our thinking can get too rigid and too linear. We tend to believe we need a different set of tools, depending on whether our crisis is medical, personal or work related. I thought that, too; but I was wrong. It turns out no matter what you’re dealing with, the tools offered in “Life Is in the Transitions” will apply.

People try to be encouraging and say, “Oh, you’ll be so much stronger in the long run because of this challenge that you’re going through.” Are you that guy? Is that your message?

No, I’m saying it’s going to be very difficult, but I’m going to help you figure it out. Here’s what I discovered: life transitions come in three phases. There’s the long goodbye, where you have to say goodbye to the old you. Then, there’s the messy middle, where you have to shed old habits. And finally, there’s a new beginning, where you unveil the new you. All of us are good at some of the phases and not so good at others. It’s not going to be easy, so the key is to begin with what you’re good at, build up some confidence and then tackle the more difficult phases.

Are all lifequakes bad? Didn’t you have a big one when your book, “Council of Dads” became a hit TV series?

Oh, It was amazing! It all began when I got cancer in 2008. I was a new dad, and you’re not supposed to get cancer at 43. I did not know if I would survive, so I asked a group of men to form this council of dads to look after my kids. And as you mentioned, NBC turned it into a primetime series. That’s an example of an involuntary transition. It was out of my control. Most lifequakes tend to be involuntary, things like losing your job, getting sick, getting cheated on. But they can also be voluntary: cheating on your spouse, changing your religion or moving to a new city. So, yes, lifequakes can be good as well as bad, but the way we transition is what makes all the difference.

Can you leave us with a takeaway? Is there some point that you really want us to go home with?

Yes, two words: transitions work. Life gets us stuck, transitions get us unstuck. 90% of the people I spoke to said they made it through their life transition. So, that means whatever you’re going through right now, whether it’s work, family, spiritual or physical, you can get through it. I know, because I actually met the people who did. I listened to their stories and learned from their experiences. They gave me hope, but they also gave me practical steps that I could take to get through my transition and in turn help you get through yours. So, whatever you’re struggling with, in this book you’re going to find people, just like you, who’ve gone through even worse and who offer solid, practical steps to take starting right now, tomorrow and next week. Whatever you’re struggling with, whatever transition you’re in, you can get through anything.