How to Teach Kids about Emotional Intelligence

by Lesley Butterfield Harrop

Emotional Intelligence: it’s a buzz phrase right now. You may have heard it a number of places: blogs, talk shows, the news, and documentaries. Chick-Fil-A has even released a line of kids’ meal toys that center around building emotional intelligence for kids. But this evasive phrase is more than just a fad; it is an important skill for children and adults alike!

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, be aware of, and respond to one’s own feelings and emotions and the skill of navigating interpersonal relationships with compassion and empathy. Emotional intelligence must be taught and modeled for kids. They are like sponges and will soak up these essential skills when they are shown them in everyday situations. Emotional intelligence can also enhance connection, which is a basic human need. Having connected relationships with our children gives way to authentic honesty and vulnerability, which is vital in feeling unconditionally loved and developing empathy, along with other social skills.

Why Does Emotional Intelligence Matter?

In my work as a community nurse, I examine the area of intersection between nursing and public health, ensuring that community populations have access to education, information, various forms of care, and supportive and protective factors. I often encounter really great parents who are involved and informed in their child’s life, but they still feel like the child doesn’t freely share his or her feelings or emotions with them. They often state, “It’s like pulling teeth to get my child to open up about anything with me.”

Sometimes these kiddos may have challenging behaviors that are puzzling to their parents and problematic to those around them, as they can cause distress at home and school. I do a fair amount of parent training on how to connect with kids in order to lessen challenging behaviors by increasing emotional intelligence. It may even seem obvious, but I can assure you that it helps any parent to have tips! When we have open, honest, and connected relationships with our children, they are less likely to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms as a way to handle difficult feelings. We also want them coming to us with sexuallybased questions or things they may be curious about, instead of turning to pornography for answers.

What Can You Do?

Create Routines That Foster Connection

Have regular family dinners, hold monthly family councils, plan family game nights, and do regular checkins. Kids thrive when routines are implemented. Even better is when those routines are dependable, fun, and help them to know they have a safe and loving home with parents who are there for them.

Designate Safe Places for Processing Emotions

We have a Calming Corner in our home, where we do “time-ins” instead of time-outs to manage rough emotions and challenging behaviors. In the Calm Corner, we have a feeling wheel, an emotion faces chart, sensory items like bubbles to help encourage deep breathing, squeezy balls, mermaid sequin pillows, and coloring pages. This has been a great tool for my kids, but it did take practice and reinforcement. Encouragement is key! This can easily be modified for toddlers all the way to teens. My preschooler uses the Calm

Corner regularly; she has learned that emotions are not scary or bad. They are just feelings that need some extra attention sometimes.

Enhance One-On-One Relationships

Having four children of my own, my relationship with each one is different, which is okay! Because I want each of my children to feel safe and secure in his or her relationship with me, I use a variety of tools to make sure that our trust continues to grow and develop. A favorite activity of my son’s is his Sharing Journal, which is essentially just a communication notebook we use to write notes to each other. He writes in it before he goes to bed and I’ll write a message to him while he is at school. He looks forward to these messages and some of our best conversations have happened in his Sharing Journal.

Conversely, my daughter likes to do “Mommy Minutes” at bedtime, where we set a timer and for ten entire minutes she gets to choose what we do — no questions asked. We’ve played hide-and-seek, painted nails, read books, braided her hair, and sometimes we just sit and talk. These one-on-one activities can be simple and easy and have a BIG impact on fostering trust with your kids!

Teach and Model Ways to Cope

This is probably one of the most difficult things to do. Even as adults, we can struggle with healthy ways to manage emotions. We can feel shame, anger, worry, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, and worthlessness. Our kids can and do feel these same emotions.

First, it is important to teach that no emotion is bad and kids are not bad for having feelings. Model this by being open about your own feelings with your kids. Show them how you cope with your own emotions. Tell them, “I am going for a jog, because I am feeling frustrated.” If you have a child that frequently has outbursts, help her move through those emotions by providing safe ways for her to express what she is feeling. It is also important to not allow your child’s behaviors to affect your emotional peace or reactions. This models for children that we are responsible for our own emotions and reactions, regardless of the actions of others.

Overall, our connection with our children can really help them to develop emotional intelligence and give them important life skills that they can rely on for health, safety, and well-being.

And that is what life is all about.

Lesley Butterfield Harrop is a community health nurse who strives to raise awareness of and implement trauma-informed care across a variety of settings. Lesley holds an RN-BSN and has over ten years of experience as a nurse in the community setting. She has published several articles related to social issues and is the content-editor at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, www.btr.org. She serves on the Board of Directors for NAMI-Virginia (National Alliance of Mental Illness) among various other leadership positions.