It’s Not Me, It’s You Or You Are the Problem

By Craig Hanlon-Smith

Having written for this magazine for what must be approaching 20 years, I find the responses to some of my musings often as interesting as the original subjects themselves. The replies are pretty swift, especially now we are living our lives predominantly online. These may come in the form of contact via social media, often in private messages but sometimes very much public commentary. I may receive emails direct or through other contacts but there is always something. Celebratory and unpleasant in equal measure I would suggest, it is usually a balanced discourse if somewhat colourful.

In late summer 2020 I wrote about the drug use epidemic among our communities and in particular gay men of all ages. I was expressly referring to the international take-over of our minds, bodies and souls by the highly addictive and equally toxic crystal meth and its accompanying family of sex-party related intoxicants. My concern then, and it remains today, is our communities’ collective inability to talk about our shared drug problem that is killing our friends, partners and family members. That our collective silence on the subject is hurrying them along as if an unlicensed silent euthanasia. It is the first time I have written a piece and had no response from community members whatsoever. Not one. In stark juxtaposition with the next piece wherein I had outlined shared mental health challenges during the first lockdown: I was inundated with responses. Ironic no, that the piece about our silence on drugs was met with silence. Ironic, ugly and dangerous.

And then there’s our other problem. Misogyny.

This is quite possibly the one subject that in 20 years I have returned to time and again, simply because we are getting even worse at accepting that misogyny is at the root of many of our social, cultural and political challenges. The last time I received anything close to what you may describe as hate mail, was after my article last summer which when published was given the title ‘In Defence of Priti Patel’. Now to be fair to most of the unpleasant respondents, it became starkly apparent in a few short words they had only read as far as the title and assumed the rest. Sigh. Said article was written in response to Ms Patel’s first appearance at the 5pm Covid press conferences in which she had presented a not unusual cold and dismissive self. My concern was with the responses to her performance, online, particularly in LGBTQ+ online forums and community Facebook groups. The language was violently threatening, often using sexualised vocabulary and of course the word b**** often a closing flourish. There were even calls for her to be killed mostly, in these groups from gay men.

And in a quiet moment with yourself, have a word. When a woman, at work or play irritates you, is demanding, and yes sometimes unpleasant, what language forms your sentences with such ease? And would you use the same vocabulary when describing your grandmother?

My issue was with the ease of misogynistic postings and that no one in these groups appeared to notice or care. I am both saddened and maddened by the appearance again this week of similar language in relation to another former female politician. It is never about the original story, or social media post, but the comments it inspires. How with such lazy ease the violence towards these women comes rolling out on to our community pages and remains unchallenged by all those who follow. The most recent postings, within a fortnight of the murder of Sarah Everard and ensuing discussions across our media outlets about misogyny. How utterly depressing.

Be mad at their politics, get angry at their selfcentred smug delivery. Rage at their inability to be in touch with the real world each time they open their mouths. But leave the violent, sexually marauding death threats out of it, along with their biological sex. To call upon their womanhood when referencing your anger, is to expose your misogyny and you become the problem. Not them.

Misogyny. This is quite possibly the one subject that in 20 years I have returned to time and again, simply because we are getting even worse at accepting that misogyny is at the root of many of our social, cultural and political challenges

I have said this before, and I will say it again. Misogyny is the root of all discrimination across our societies. The abusive language thrown at gay men both within and outside our communities is misogynistic, bottom shaming, referring to one of the men in a partnership as ‘the b****’ and so on. Not even subtle. Most transphobia directed at trans women is inherently misogynistic. The obliteration of trans-men from the trans discussion is because to the non-trans world we do not concern ourselves with the transitioning in that direction. The hysteria is around trans women. It is misogynistic. The worst thing we can call a boy is a girl. To describe men as feminine or effeminate has driven boys to depression and self-harm for generations. The idea of being womanly is considered so horrible. It is misogynistic. In the acronym LGBTQ+, the Lesbian is first and yet they are an oft forgotten essential within our communities. Misogynistic. Gay men have written lesbian women out of our histories. Where were the lesbians in It’s A Sin? I can assure you that, having walked that Soho scene in the early 1990s, they were everywhere and central to the HIV/AIDS war effort at every turn. Written out. Misogyny.

And in a quiet moment with yourself, have a word. When a woman, at work or play, irritates you, is demanding, and yes sometimes unpleasant, what language forms your sentences with such ease? And would you use the same vocabulary when describing your grandmother?

For a range of communities that thrives on its visibility, on its colourful parades and sense of pride, our secrets are among the darkest.

Do something about it. Do it today and do it differently.