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MINDOUT An older gay man writes about being a member of the LGBTQ+ charity’s 50+ Peer Support Group.
I write this article as a gay 60-year-old, my head buzzing with memories and hands burning with arthritis. I’m amazed at how different the world is for LGBTQ+ people now than when I was young. Having a network of supportive peers is something I’ve yearned for all my life. I feel so lucky I have finally found a social group where I genuinely fit in and it is something I will never take for granted.
I came out in 1973 at the age of 15. Homosexuality had only recently been legalised, and then not until a person reached the age of 21, so I lived my first six years out of the closet as a ‘criminal’. I wanted to meet other gay people and attended some of the first Campaign for Homosexual Equality groups, yet there were barely four people in attendance. My parents were terrified of the neighbours finding out my secret and having their middleclass respectability violated. While thankfully I wasn’t thrown out for being gay, home life was toxic and I was subjected to sexual and emotional abuse from family members. I felt imprisoned in my bedroom. This led to depression and self-harm. Forming and maintaining friendships proved difficult, despite my closest school friend also being gay. It was a lonely time and I desperately wanted to find other people I could relate to. My first relationship was at the age of 19 with another lost soul, a homeless hotel pot washer with no family or friends. He had been reared by nuns in a Catholic care home. Sadly it didn’t work out and once again I found myself feeling lonely and isolated. After finishing my degree, I plucked up the courage to join a local gay social group but it wasn’t the type of group I needed. I was desperate for support and friendship, but the focus back then was on having sex. At the age of 21 I had a breakdown. Then in the 1980s I met the love of my life and we had 24 years together. Our relationship was strong but the political backdrop was unsafe. Thatcher’s Section 28 and the Aids epidemic cast a shadow over our happiness. Being gay was still considered taboo, the neighbours were distant and our car window was smashed. It sent my partner into a depression and we ended up splitting up although we remained friends until his death two years ago. Being part of MindOut’s 50+ peer support group has saved my sanity. As a 60-year-old man I don’t feel like I can relate to the younger gay scene, I don’t feel like I fit in with the culture. The MindOut group is a safe and supportive space where we can talk freely about anything that is important to us. The group is facilitated by an experienced group facilitator and is run for an 18-week period (two blocks of nine weeks). Group members are asked to commit to regular weekly attendance, attending at least six sessions out of every block of nine weeks. Members unable to maintain this commitment may lose their place under the group agreement three
week rule. I find this rule very grounding as seeing the same faces each week gives me a great sense of stability and we have all formed a close connection. The peer support group is designed to provide a safe supportive space where participants can talk and listen to others about issues that are important to them and their wellbeing, with a particular focus on being 50+, feelings of isolation and connecting with other LGBTQ+ people aged 50+. I wish there had been a charity like MindOut around when I was younger, but I’m so grateful it’s there for me now. I have finally found my people.
MINDOUT INFO
MindOut groups are now meeting online. Please do get in touch if you would like to know more about the 50+ group, or any of our other regular, weekly groups. You can contact us at any time for mental health support. We run an online instant chat service, please see www.mindout.org.uk for opening times. Or you can email us on info@mindout.org.uk or phone us on 01273 234839 and we will get back to you as soon as possible. MindOut is running a number of initiatives to support LGBTQ+ people aged 50+, also focussing on the needs of people aged 70+. If you would like to know more or get involved please contact us as above. MindOut services are confidential, nonjudgemen tal, impartial, independent of mainstream services and open to all. We are run by and for LGBTQ+ people who have experience of mental health issues. We aim to improve the mental wellbeing of LGBTQ+ communities and to reduce health inequality. We do this by: • Listening to and responding to the LGBTQ+ experience of mental health • Offering hope through positive relationships and professional expertise • Preventing isolation, crisis and suicidal distress in LGBTQ+ communities • Providing safe spaces for people to meet and support each other • Helping people protect their rights and get their voices heard • Campaigning and creating conversations about
LGBTQ+ mental health throughout the world MindOut is needed because LGBTQ+ people: • Do not get the support they need for their mental health from mainstream services • Often feel isolated from LGBTQ+ communities • Face additional discrimination, exclusion and minority stress • Deserve a space where their identities are recognised and understood We welcome all LGBTQ+ people and those who may not identify as LGBTQ+ including men who have sex with men, women who have sex with women, intersex people, people who previously identified as trans and people who are questioning their sexual and/or gender identities. If in doubt, please do contact us.
