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the risk of transmitting or being infected unwittingly with Covid. We’re all waiting patiently in line for our turn to be vaccinated. While the vaccination should reduce the risk of severe Covid disease and reduce transmission, it won’t unilaterally stop it. It’s key that we continue to socially distance for the time being and do our bit to stop the spread. That said, libido is a strong impulse, and those urges can alter our judgement, so if you are going to hook up, there are a few things you can do to reduce the risk to your health and wellbeing. I spoke with Dominic Davies, a sex therapist and psychotherapist who heads up Pink Therapy. We chatted about what you can do. You can use the same kind of safety planning and risk assessments you would normally use, (eg, tell your housemate when you’ll be home, meet in a safe place, what is your safer sex strategy), but add another dimension to it, which is about your emotional needs.
Some things to consider:
BACK IN THE GAME
With the gradual reopening up of society, for some people thoughts have turned to how we might begin to engage again in intimacy. Rory Finn reports ) Most of us have followed social distancing
guidelines and have remained in our social bubbles, to a lesser or greater extent. Casual sex and hook-ups remain technically illegal, a prohibition introduced as part of emergency measures last year – not that as a community we’ve ever paid such legislation much attention. In spite of this, sex is a primal need and no matter how much wanking we might do, for many of us it just won’t cut it. Sooner or later we find we need the intimacy of being up close and personal with another human. But after the months of lockdown isolation, the thought of returning to the pleasures of one to one is causing lots of us to feel nervous, and not in the good way. Even non-sexy intimacy can be overwhelming. Anecdotes are emerging of unexpected eruptions of emotion when people are receiving touch for the first time in months. There’s the friend of a friend who booked a massage to alleviate discomfort of a bad back and how the touch of a masseuse caused them to burst out in tears in front of them. Alex (not his real name) told me about the first hook-up he had after the first lockdown and how the intensity floored him. “I hooked up with a guy I’d be chatting with online for a little while. I was so
horny that events took over and he came over. We weren’t doing anything that was unusual for me, a bit of rough role play, but after a while I found myself crying uncontrollably on him as we were playing. I had to stop the session. I felt really embarrassed, crying in front of a stranger, but thankfully he seemed to understand and we spent the next hour just cuddling and chatting.”
• Pick wisely who your first hook-up is going to be with. Are they someone who you can feel safe with? Perhaps meet up with someone you already know. Intimacy for the first time might be more emotional than you were expecting. Be kind with one another. • Start small and build up. Discuss what you want beforehand. Take the tools from the kink community about safe sex: meet with a date in a neutral place first and negotiate consent; discuss desires, likes and limits. There’s a lot that can be learnt even if you prefer things a bit more vanilla. • Talk about how you feel with your potential date. Chances are they are feeling the same. We’ve all been separated one way or another and deprived of social contact. Share your anxieties with them. If you can’t talk about it, ask yourself if you’re emotionally ready for sex yet. There’s no shame in not being ready.
Others have spoken about their anxiety about the social side of it. Not knowing how to be and what to say. Indeed, what has there been to say while everything was shut and there’s been nowhere to go except the same circular walk and a trip to Tesco. We’ve become used to our miniature lives of only our household to talk to, or our work colleagues through the dull window of Zoom. Suddenly communicating with a stranger feels a tall order.
• Talk about your prospective partner’s hooking up history in recent months. Will you be their first partner too? Think about who might be impacted by your decision to meet someone; do you have contact with someone who is more vulnerable to Covid?
The time off from regular sex has given some people time for reflection. What kind of relationships do they want and what kind of sex is satisfying? We might not be feeling much of a sex drive anyway. The effect of a year of lockdowns and uncertainty has left some of us preferring a nice a cup of tea instead.
• HIV & STI tests available from test.tht.org.uk or www.brightonsexualhealth.com
Rightly we might be feeling nervous about
• Get up to date with your HIV and STI screening before you venture out on a date.
handy links:
• Directory of LGBTQ+ friendly therapists for counselling/psychotherapy: www.pinktherapy.com • More tips and advice on reducing Covid risk during sex: prepster.info/covid-and-sex
