Gscene Magazine - July 2020 RACE AND GENDER EXPRESSION

Sam Hall had a lockdown Zoom chat with Ellis Johnson, psychotherapeutic counsellor, trainer, community organiser, trans man and new dog-parent

So, Ellis, about the new dog... “Willow is a rescue from Romania. She is a small and dainty two-year-old Collie who just arrived yesterday. I think she’s very traumatised so she’s hiding in the kitchen.”

Tell us a bit about you...

“I was born in Bradford and grew up in Leeds. I’m a person of mixed heritage; Jamaican, Pakistani and white British Yorkshire, to be precise. After a faltering start with a GP referral that never happened, my transition began in earnest when I was 30 and moved to Brighton. My childhood was very family oriented, I played a lot of sports and was obsessed with football. I was a huge Manchester United fan, and played for local teams. My family have been amazing about my transition. It was all totally new to them, but they’ve have been very accepting. Seeing that this was the right thing for me.”

What about racism?

“During my early years at school in Bradford, there were lots of brown kids so I didn’t feel impacted by racism, but moving to Leeds and a majority white school when I was eight was when things got worse. I was often called the ‘P’ word. I was also shouted at for being a ‘dyke’. On the whole, though, I don’t think I’ve suffered a lot of street harassment. It’s more about how people look at me. I remember noticing this from a young age.”

A different gaze?

“Yeah. I’ve never been able to uncouple race and gender expression - they’re intertwined. “As a person of colour how you project your gender is seen through the lens of your skin colour.”

What about your spiritual life?

“I had a non-religious upbringing, but I’ve always looked for depth, for connection. I studied psychology at uni with a year abroad in France, and since my mid-20s have been exploring my own spiritual path. I read The Art Of Happiness by the Dalai Lama as a starting point, and went on to explore African religions and Buddhism, before becoming interested in ancestors and our connections with the past.”

Like shamanism?

“Race is a concept created by cis white men as a tool for oppression, and the gender binary achieves the same thing”

Who are you speaking to?

“Yes. I’ve a history of colonial displacement in my bones, and in my family history. Race is a concept created by cis white men as a tool for oppression, and the gender binary achieves the same thing. Away from white capitalist/ colonial society, throughout history and today there are many cultures where gender, sexual and relationship diversity is the norm. This means that some of our ancestors were queer. The vast majority of countries in the world where homosexual expression is still illegal were colonised. Therefore gender, racial, and sexual fluidity, including fluidity of relationships, is ours to claim.”

“I’m speaking directly to queer, trans and intersex people of colour. It’s revolutionary that QTIPOC are even alive today. That we’re here at all. That our ancestors have survived all this oppression. We come from those ancestors that white supremacy, colonisation or slavery couldn’t kill. We’re the children of revolutionaries; who took revolutionary sustenance from revolutionary breasts. Resilience is in our DNA. Maya Angelou talked about ‘thousands of ancestors standing behind her when she speaks’, and that’s something I feel strongly when I speak out about racism or transphobia.”

Tell me about male privilege?

“Through my transition I’ve experienced a change in how I’m perceived. Achieving male privilege as a person of colour makes me even more visible. I have to think about what I wear. Hoodies are a no-go. I get followed around by security guards, and recently when a fluffy white dog bounced on me, licking my face as I lay sunbathing in Palmeira Square, its owner got so panicked that she dashed over and snatched her dog off me.”

How did that make you feel?

“It made me feel like shit. The dog was playful and bouncing all over lots of people. But as soon as it came over to me, lying in a vest top with all my tattoos out, suddenly it wasn’t okay. “I see racism more clearly now. The impact it’s had on my life. Finding a QTIPOC community makes an enormous difference, just being in a room together - it’s changed my feelings about myself. I didn’t realise what I was carrying until I entered that space. That I’ve spent my life having to navigate racist microaggressions, alongside judgement about my gender. It wasn’t really a topic for discussion in my childhood home, but I’m more and more aware of the impact of intergenerational trauma. I know my family has suffering in its past. I’m invested in being a good ancestor for those who come after me.”

Does that mean kids?

“I’d really like to have kids, in the context of a committed relationship. In some queer circles there’s an idea that having a family unit isn’t radical, but I think a lot about ancestors and I really care about connecting with my past history. I believe it’s patriarchy that has disconnected us from our roots; the magic of community and raising a family. Why should trans people give that up? What matters to me is the creation of family, be that children, partners or queer family/friends. I don’t really mind how they come about, but to have children and love them alongside another person… I’d really like to have a family unit.”

So how are things right now?

“I’m settled in Brighton and working three days a week as a psychotherapeutic counsellor, often with TNBI clients. I also train in trans awareness and anti-racism, as well as inclusion and equalities. I’ve been busy with a mutual aid support group for QTIPOC community organisers because I worry about burnout, for myself and others. I keep myself grounded with meditation. The more I practise staying in touch with the universe and my intuition, the more I feel guided and certain about my life choices. There are hints that confirm that my choices and understandings are taking me in the right direction, and I watch for those little signs of everyday magic.”