STUFF & THINGS

by Jon Taylor

Lift that weight, pluck that eyebrow

There’s something I need to confess. It’s been weighing on my mind for sometime now and I feel that the time is right to unburden myself of it. The thing is... as a gay man... I don’t know how to say this, but... I don’t really do any grooming. There! I’ve said it! It’s out there.

I don’t pluck or sculpt my eyebrows. I don’t own a hair dryer or put product in my hair. I don’t use beard oil. I once bought an under eye rejuvenating thing but it didn’t seem to do anything. I’ve never had an exfoliating facial massage. I don’t use aftershave. Shocking!

“I certainly couldn’t afford to buy these products and get a gym membership and perhaps that’s why I look at them slightly disdainfully. If you can do these things, good for you! I will envy your tight skin and muscles! I think I’d rather spend my hard earned dosh on mugs, charity shop bargains and what not.”

I moisturise. I trim my beard. I use a roll on deodorant. And that’s about it really. Oh, and wash everything on a daily basis of course. I wonder if this absence of grooming loses me some gay points. I see people out and about and on social media and everything is trimmed, plucked, scrubbed, exfoliated, firmed, tweaked and perfumed. I then I rock up, a bit scruffy round the edges but still looking good. You definitely couldn’t describe me as an uber gay though that’s for sure. Make up for men is becoming a standard kind of thing with concealers, foundations and tinted moisturisers all available. I can’t see myself ever using them and this is coming from someone who has never had the best skin.

The list of creams I’ve tried to banish the pimples is a long one but my skin remains defiantly the same and what with ‘mask acne’ now being a thing, I’m kinda letting it do its own thing. So a concealer might be useful I guess. I will ponder such things. I don’t go to the gym either. Losing more points by the second! I wonder what percentage of gay men do go to a gym and whether it would be as high as I think. It’s almost totally accepted that gay men should join gyms. I saw a film the other day with two gay men as central characters. They chatted about what a gay man does when he first moves to a new town. The second thing mentioned, after finding a home, was to join a gym. It’s almost ubiquitous. But I won’t join a gym. I will walk. I will swim... occasionally, and perhaps do the odd push up.

The unsaid thing about all these grooming products and gym memberships is that they all cost a fair bit of money. I certainly couldn’t afford to buy these products and get a gym membership and perhaps that’s why I look at them slightly disdainfully. If you can do these things, good for you! I will envy your tight skin and muscles! I think I’d rather spend my hard earned dosh on mugs, charity shop bargains and what not. And biscuits, obviously. I’d find it hard I think to spend that much on biscuits I guess but I’ll give it a good go!