RAE’S REFLECTIONS

The story of a student and mental health. By Rachel Badham

Living with fluctuating mental health is now the norm for me and caring for my mental wellbeing is something that I have had to remain conscious of in order to live a more fulfilling life. Although my younger self had spent a large proportion of their time wishing for a brain not plagued by depressive episodes and intense emotional cycles of the highest heights and lowest lows, I now feel all of my experience has been valuable and I am grateful that I am now in a place where I am more able to manage my mental health and live comfortably despite having previously felt that there was no point in living. I have also just completed what was probably the greatest challenge to not only my mental health but my overall character and understanding of who I am as a person: university.

Attending university was always part of my ‘life plan’ but considering I had been struggling with depression during college, the process of actually starting university was daunting to say the least. I was apprehensive for months before I started university in 2017, and remember crying endlessly the day I got my A-Level results due to the realisation that I would in fact be placed in a completely unfamiliar environment in less than a month’s time.

Starting university actually went well considering my reservations; I was lucky enough to make good friends in the first week or so, and found I genuinely enjoyed my course. While my worry pre-university was that I would struggle to keep up with my studies if I was experiencing a depressive episode, I actually found that it was my social life which was most impacted by my struggles with mental illness.

There are expectations to engage in an active social life while at university; something as simple as turning down a night out is seen as not making the most of your time at university, and something I still struggle with to this day is finding the balance between socialising and taking time to yourself when needed. For someone who considers themselves fairly introverted, especially when struggling with a low mood, the pressure to socialise constantly was a difficult aspect of student life.

I found this became more apparent when I moved into a student house in my second year and found I had very little privacy, which often left me feeling irritable and emotionally drained. In retrospect, I can think of multiple things that I would have done differently in terms of how I approached my time at university, but I am trying to see it as a learning experience rather than a wasted one. Even though my last year in particular didn’t go as smoothly as I’d hoped, it did prove that I could be resilient even when I was struggling.

One of the most useful tools in helping me complete my third and final year of university was attending group therapy sessions. I had always been reluctant to try any form of group counselling as the thought of opening up to somebody I’m close to is difficult, let alone sharing my feelings with a group of relative strangers.

However I decided to give the group a go; my university offered group therapy for those who struggle with ‘emotional intensity’ – an umbrella term for symptoms people may experience if they are on the EUPD or BPD spectrum, or suffer from cPTSD. For years my main source of shame regarding my mental illness were my symptoms that didn’t strictly fall under the clinical depression category and were more related to long-term emotional disorders, such as finding rejection incredibly triggering or having rapidly fluctuating moods. Meeting others who experienced similar symptoms was one of the most comforting experiences, and I believe one of the main benefits of this kind of therapy is the knowledge that you aren’t alone in your struggles with mental health.

Now that I’ve graduated, I feel that my time at university has taught me valuable lessons not only about managing my mental health but how to take care of myself and other people in general. I am sure that university will not be the scariest thing I face in my life, but after graduating I feel a little more confident that I can face what comes next. My advice to any university students struggling with their mental health is that there is no shame whatever you’re feeling as it’s absolutely certain that someone else at your university feels the same way, and there is no shame in asking for help when needed.

I also found that acts of self-care are essential in maintaining mental wellbeing, which I only discovered during lockdown when I had time to assess my university experience and my attitudes towards myself and others. Too often I expected a quick fix for my mental illness, which I thought would come from others providing me with the esteem that I had been lacking.

“Acts of self-care are essential in maintaining mental wellbeing, which I only discovered during lockdown when I had time to assess my university experience.”

Although there’s no quick fix to mental illness, anything from maintaining a balanced diet to reciting positive affirmations everyday are little acts of kindness to yourself that can take the edge off negative feelings. Being a university student can be hard regardless of your mental state, but this is often amplified for those who suffer from ongoing conditions. But if you fall under that category, remember that you can come out of the other side even stronger than you can imagine.