FEBRUARY 2016
Editor-in-chief Nina Braca Managing Editor Bruce Hamilton Layout Editor Ashley Yalaju Intern Deanna Castello Contributors Alison Ahern Yarra Berger Deanna Castello Rachel Dasaro Paris Gellar Dylan Grey Bruce Hamilton Winnie McNally Sarah Yalaju Cover by Alison Ahern Purchase Media Director Julie Alegado
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR HEY! Hi. What’s up? Gutter Mag has had lot of ups and downs this past semester. But I would like to formally introduce the world to Giles, our beautiful, brand new printer who has become one of my closest friends (it has been a rough few weeks, guys).
Gutter Mag is a non-profit magazine, paid for by the Mandatory Student Activities Fee. Gutter Mag is a forum for campus culture related content. Any opinions expressed are those of the writers, not those of Gutter Mag, its editors, or the PSGA. We accept submissions but the publication of those submissions is not guaranteed but subject to the discretion of the editors. Send all inquiries to purchaseguttermag@gmail.com
He is named after the Buffy character because he watches over us like a proud father, and also because I like to think he has a cool British accent. ANYWAY, we have been printing some past issues of Gutter that were unable to be printed last semester due to the fact that our printer was possessed by Satan himself. Be on the look out for those. Do you wanna write for us?!?! We meet Mondays @ 9pm in CCN (The Hub) room 24/25. Come meet Giles. When the robots inevitably turn against us, he and his self-stapling power could be our only hope. AS ALWAYS: Gutter Mag is Paid For By Your Mandatory Student Activity Fee. The MSAF is vital to every club, service and organization on campus. Without your MSAF, there would be none of this. KEEP THIS IS MIND AS IT IS AN MSAF VOTING YEAR!!! xoxo Nina
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HOROSCOPES Winnie McNally
ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 19) A new hottie will enter your life in time for Valentine’s Day! Unfortunately, they’ll spoil Making a Murderer and you’ll spend the night scouring the Internet for something to watch. TAURUS (APRIL 20 - MAY 20) Try to reconnect with an old friend this month. If that friend owns a shovel, even better! Reminisce about old times while they dig your car out of E3. GEMINI (MAY 21 - JUNE 20)Hey, your crush can’t ask you out if they don’t know that you’re interested! Smash that like on a few Instagrams and you’re sure to get yourself noticed. CANCER (JUNE 21 - JULY 22) Your BFF will start hanging out with a new friend who - bummer - turns out to be a Cloverfield monster. Stay out of the subway. LEO (JULY 23 - AUGUST 22) Let your creative side shine this month! Write a song, try out for the school play, or post some sick memes on your friends timelines! VIRGO (AUGUST 23 - SEPTEMBER 22) You’ve got sooo much going on between classes, your senior project, your job and your friends. Run into the woods and SCREAM!!!!!!!!
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LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23- OCTOBER 22) When you hear a juicy rumor about a friend, don’t spread gossip! Whisper your secrets to the raccoons; they’ll never tell. SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23 - NOV 21) Try to switch up your style this month! Have you ever tried normcore? Invest in some light wash jeans, a windbreaker and a pair of New Balances- you’ll be sure to turn heads in the hallways! SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 - DEC 21) You’re going to get into a huge fight with your BFF! Update your Snapchat story all weekend to let them know how unaffected, fun and popular you are. CAPRICORN (DEC 22 - JAN 19) Do you keep getting tongue-tied around your crush? Bust out the PokeRap! You’re sure to have them smitten by Cloyster! AQUARIUS (JAN 20 - FEB 18) A big test will have you majorly stressed! Light a few candles, brew some chamomile tea and remember that Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, and Rachael Ray all dropped out of college! PISCES (FEB 19 - MARCH 20) Defend Carly Rae Jepsen at all costs.
15 THINGS THAT NEED TO HAPPEN IN THE GILMORE GIRLS REBOOT Paris Gellar
1. Lane Kim becomes famous drummer 2. Lorelai slaps Christopher in the face (he had it coming) 3. Luke buys a new flannel 4. Rory and Jess get married 5. Dean doesn’t talk 6. Emily Gilmore starts her own line of pant suits 7. Logan realizes Rory was too good for him 8. Rory and Jess get married 9. Paris becomes president 10. Paul Anka has puppies 11. Kirk overthrows Taylor 12. Rory and Jess get married 13. Rory and Jess get married 14. Rory and Jess get married 15. Rory and Jess get married
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FIRST KISS Deanna Castello
My first kiss was as normal and suburban as you can get: it was in the 8th grade after an evening play practice. I was “dating” this guy for a while (in 8th grade, a month was a while) and we were both cast for the show. His mom was there to pick him up, so he said “bye” and quickly leaned in and pecked me RIGHT ON THE LIPS!! I was elated. We dated for a few more months and people said we would get married. A month before the end of 8th grade, there was a mutual split. So much for “forever.” But after that, the idea of first kisses stayed with me. Out of my friend group, I was kissed pretty early, and as my peers continued to go after so many boys just to get that first kiss locked down, I just remember thinking “Yeah, kissing is fun, but you don’t need to chase after it. It’ll just happen.” I didn’t get the whole spectacle that just kind of amounted to a dumb kiss. But you would read magazines with entire pages dedicated to the first kiss, usually spewing the same stereotypical crap you’d expect: “OMG so awkward! But it’s a kiss” or “We went on this date to the movies and he kissed me after getting scared! SO sweet.” Blah blah blah. What these articles didn’t tell you is that first kisses don’t just end with your first kiss ever. You still have weird first kiss after first kiss with people because this isn’t 1840 and you’re not marrying the first person who looks at you anymore. The worst part is that each first kiss with a new person is always so nerve-racking. Does this new person not like tongue? 5
Do they love it? Why is their tongue down my throat right now? I’m about to gag?? The art of the first kiss is pretty much nonexistent, trust me; I’ve kissed plenty of people and maybe, just maybe two in total were pleasant and enjoyable. All you can hope for is someone who kisses kind of like you and roll with it. So kiss someone! Kissing new people, while weird and possibly awkward, is something everyone has to do. Kiss everyone while you’re at it. Go off.
SARAH YALAJU 6
WHAT KIND OF ORC ARE YOU? Rachel Dasaro
Let’s start with size! Are you SHORT, MEDIUM, or TALL?
SHORT
MEDIUM
Are you a bit of a party animal, or a homebody? HOMEBODY
Scary movie or musical?
SCARY
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MUSICAL
Would you rather go to the gym or watch TV?
Would you rather have a staycation or travel? STAYCATION
PARTY ANIMAL
Do you feel your best in comfy clothes, or dressed up? COMFY
TALL
DRESSED UP
You are a...
You are a...
MORIA ORC
GOBLIN
Do you live in a rural or urban area?
RURAL
URBAN
You are a...
MORGUL ORC
TRAVEL
GYM
Is your strength more in your mind or your body? MIND
BODY
You’re hanging with friends. Is it a chill sesh, or a rager? CHILL
RAGER
You are a...
You are a...
MORANNON ORC
URUK HAI
WATCH TV
Are you the player on the prowl, or the wingmate for your homies? PLAYER
WINGMATE
You are a...
BERSERKER ORC
YOU ARE A MORIA ORC!
When you aren’t worshipping a lesser servant of the dark lord Morgoth you like to hang out in the dark, watch a bit of Netflix and kick back. While you enjoy hanging out by yourself, you have a large network of friends who you like to hang with and who will occasionally join you in capturing and devouring unsuspecting cave explorers.
YOU ARE A GOBLIN!
You spend your time singing, hooting and hollering with your friends who are ordered about by a vicious overlord known as the Goblin King in your subterranean turf Goblin Town. Chasing Dwarves and throwing dirt clods are your favorite past times, but more than anything you just like a good time without taking anything too seriously.
YOU ARE A MORGUL ORC!
Your hometown is the conquered fortress city of Minas Morgul and is commanded by the dreaded Witch King of Angmar who can be killed by no man and whose sole weakness is feminism. You are always outfitted in the flyest armor, which you claim from the corpses of your slain enemies because for you war is just as good as going to the local Salvation Army.
YOU ARE A MORANNON ORC!
You enjoy joining your fellow infantryman and exploring all corners of Middle Earth, taking days off to experience new peoples and their cultures before burning their villages to the ground. You are clever and tend to take the charge whether it’s organizing a party or laying siege to the last free cities of the realm.
YOU ARE AN URUK-HAI!
You are the strongest breed of Orc, dividing your time between slurping protein shakes at the gym and decapitating the neighboring communities surrounding your home of Orthanc. You can be aggressive yet you have a coolness about you that allows you to make friends quick and slaughter masses of elves even quicker.
YOU ARE A BERSERKER!
The ultimate party animal, all you need is your squad and a solo cup of Elf blood and you’re ready for Saturday Night. While you are capable of raging with the best, you are the backbone of your friends, gladly taking one for the team by being the wingmate to your homie, or blowing yourself up in order to infiltrate the fortresses of your enemies.
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YARRA BERGER 9
I’VE SEEN DUMBO SO MANY TIMES Bruce Hamilton
Even when donning my thickest skin, I am, at best, a soft-boiled egg. This has always been true. In the soon-beforeY2K years, one of my parents would take me, a sensitive youngster, to Hollywood Video after school on Fridays to pick out a VHS tape for the family’s collective viewing later that night (a job neither of them wanted to be stuck with, I’m guessing). Whoever took me had to remain steadfast in not letting me bring home a movie that I wouldn’t like. This was the responsibility of a parent because, as a youngling, I did not know what I wanted. It was never a matter of preventing me from renting something too inappropriate for a kid, but rather one of stopping me from picking something that was not as me-friendly as I’d assumed. To be clearer, I didn’t like a lot of kids’ movies. I couldn’t withstand whatever relatively-tame conflict the movie relied upon. I didn’t want to suffer from hyena-induced fear or the sadness that stems from the death of an especially paternal lion. I had no interest in underwater witches (was Ursula a witch? I can’t remember). However, I was drawn to the animated movie section still, because, you know, I was a kid. This is when Dumbo entered my life. Dumbo is a Disney movie about a kid elephant that gets harassed by co-worker clowns after witnessing the capture of his mother and effectively becoming orphaned. I’ve seen this movie more
times than I can remember and these are only details I can recall, besides the racist crows. Apparently, Dumbo wasn’t that scarring, so my mother kept picking it, week after week. And I didn’t get sick of it. Years later, my friends were swept into a nostalgiafest for Disney movies, a usual component of the “only 90s kids remember” talking points. At our eighthgrade-only lunch table, my friends fondly remembered watching The Lion King, The Little Mermaid, Mulan, and Pocohantas with their loved ones. No one ever fucking talked about Dumbo. Not once. I don’t want to look up Dumbo on the Internet Movie Database. While I’d love to find out how successful it was, how it was received critically, and if any notable names worked on the animation or voice acting, I want it to remain a bizarre nugget of my childhood, one that raises more questions than answers. Did we actually settle on one movie for months on end? If I made up the memory in my head, why can’t I remember anything else we watched? Why can’t I remember more than three scenes? Dumbo is an element of a memory that is, at best, debatable in the “objectivity” department, and that’s okay. I’ll never know if I actually did see someone in the house when my parents weren’t home, I’ll never know if my cousin actually did almost drown, and I’ll never know if I’ve seen Dumbo one thousand times.
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I CRIED AT THE PALEHOUND SHOW Dylan Grey
I got a message from my best friend over break telling me to listen to Palehound in anticipation for their show at the Stood. This band is amazing. I found myself listening to their latest album, Dry Food, at least once a day. At the show they sold their own proprietary nail polish, labeled Nailhound. Thom, the super sweet bassist, informed me that each of the three colors represented one of their releases. I bought their record; Thom was nice and hid it under the table for me. I got to stand right up front at the show and sing along. There were only three other people I could see also singing along, and I got a look from the person standing next to me, I think because they caught me singing along too loud. I don’t cry a lot, and I wish I did. I think somewhere in my over-medicated adolescence, when I was being conditioned to be masculine, I somehow suppressed whatever it is that makes you cry. I bring this up to emphasize the significance of how hard Palehound made me cry at their show. I bawled. A lot of this is probably coming from where I was when I got really into the album, the confusion I’m still dealing with now. A lot of it is also coming from the deep sorrow Ellen Kempner sings with on the song “Dry Food” as she sings, “you made beauty a monster to me” When the set ended she mentioned that she would give out cookies at the merch table. I headed right over. Thom 11
gave me my record. I told him I cried and he gave me a cookie, saying they bring cookies so that when people cry at their shows they have something to make them feel better. Amazing.
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SARAH YALAJU
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