Orange Parking Cones The Heroes Gwangju Needs but Does Not Deserve

By William Urbanski

As you may have noticed, Gwangju exhibits an extremely high level of permissiveness when it comes to allowing people to park on sidewalks. Apps that encourage citizens to snitch on such terribly parked cars do nothing. The police and tow truck drivers, it seems, are both powerless to fix this problem. In what seems like a hopeless situation, a lone hero has emerged to fight this chaos and lawlessness: a tall orange parking cone that is bolted into the ground. Truly, a tall orange parking cone that is bolted into the ground is the hero Gwangju needs but does not deserve.

A Brief History Of Parking

To understand the importance of not parking any which way one pleases, we can roll back the hands of time by over twenty years to when I was nothing but a scrappy and ruggedly handsome young lad working my winter part-time job in Canada. This job involved me standing in a snow-covered ski resort parking lot in the middle of winter from 7:00 a.m. until roughly 2:00 p.m. and using a carefully orchestrated sequence of arm signals and verbal commands to ensure that each and every resort guest parked their car in a precise location. The purpose of this seemingly Kafkaesque endeavor was to make sure that the rows of cars in the parking lot remained straight and orderly.

My boss always used to tell me that even though the job might have seemed silly at times, it was actually a key position for a number of reasons. The parking lot was generally the first thing people would see when entering the resort, so having it appear organized gave a good first impression to the guests. As well, left to their own devices, people could not be counted on to park in a manner that did not resemble pandemonium since the parking lot lacked any sort of lines, it being covered with snow and all. A disorganized parking lot was simply not allowable since ambulances and emergency vehicles had to regularly access the main buildings. In particular, it was extremely important that the first ten or so cars to arrive were guided to park in the proper places because the hundreds of other cars that arrived each day would follow their lead.

Despite the fact that this job involved me, well, standing outside all day in the freezing cold, telling cars where to park, it did have several advantages. Among these was that it gave me ample opportunity to reflect on the best practices for parking cars as well as ample opportunity to wonder exactly what the hell I was doing with my life.

While the answer to the latter question is still up for debate, contemplating the former has led me to an intricate, all-encompassing theory of how, why, when, and where automobiles should park. And it is that theory I wish to share with you today.

ORANGE PARKING CONES: THE ANSWER TO ALL OF GWANGJU’S PROBLEMS

I used to naively believe that there was a universal system that all people of earth could follow to park their cars in harmony. Such a system does not exist. What works in one culture does not and cannot work in another simply because the act of parking a car lies at the focal point of culturally specific mores and norms. So, it is foolish to believe that a parking system that works in Toronto (like, you know, issuing fines to cars parked on sidewalks) would ever work in Gwangju .

To get right to the point, the solution to Gwangju’s parking problems, beyond any reasonable doubt, is to slam a million orange parking cones in any place a car should not go. End of story.

The Story Continues

As I learned as a teenager just trying to earn an honest buck in Canada, people cannot be left to their own whims and fancies when it comes to parking their cars. They need some implicit or explicit directions. In some places, signage and written rules are sufficient. In Gwangju, the answer is to bolt forty-thousand reflective parking cones onto each and every sidewalk in the city so that people are physically blocked from driving their BMWs up and onto the curb.

The Heroes Gwangju Needs But Does Not Deserve

I dream of living in a city in which the lanes of every road and the edge of every sidewalk are lined with meter-tall, orange parking cones. I dream of living in a city where people park their cars in safe, sensical places because there is no other option. I dream of living in a city where it is not necessary to push double parked cars out of the way at 6:30 a.m. so that my wife can leave for work. I dream of living in a city where orange parking cones become the symbols of respect, unity, and love for your fellow man.

I dream.

The Author

William Urbanski is the managing editor of the Gwangju News and a parking regulation aficionado. Instagram: @will_il_gatto