2018 The Drama Triangle
Compiled by:
Hanlie Wentzel Baobab Consulting
079 877 8678
hanlie.baobab@gmail.com www.baobabtherapy.com
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The Drama Triangle was described by Stephen Karpman as the process by which counsellors find themselves turned into frustrated rescuers, it is terrific drama, but terrible living. The Drama Triangle consist of 2 persons, playing 3 roles. The Drama Triangle starts with the 1. Victim role and when the other person responds with the role of either the 2. Rescuer or 3. the Persecutor. The Drama Triangle also often presents itself in a Marriage Relationship or a Parent-Child relationship, or even in a friendship relationship. A person can easily take on the role of a Victim, and when the other person in the relationship responds by taking on the Rescuer or Persecutor role...the Drama starts! When you realize that you have been drawn into a Drama Triangle with your client/spouse/child, you have to change your tactics completely by changing the roles. The Rescue role is one in which we easily find ourselves, being compassionate and empathic and wanting to help. But instead of being a Rescuer, rather be an Empowerer. Or you switch from being a Persecutor, to a being a Confronter. You can see your client/spouse/child through different eyes, not as a helpless Victim in need of rescue, but rather get in touch with your client’s/spouse’s/ child’s real pain, instead of engaging with the pretend or imagined hurts/accusations.
Also you need to see the client as a Person of Worth, a Victor (“I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me”) capable of growth, change, problem solving and finding resources on her own. See her as a Child of God and a Disciple of Jesus, walking with Jesus and maturing in Christ. Someone that needs to take responsibility for her own problems, choices and behaviour to grow up, emotionally and spiritually. By rescuing or persecuting her, you are hindering the work of the Holy Spirit, working in that person’s heart.
As an Empowerer you do not take charge of the problem or accept responsibility for the solution, the client/ spouse/ child owns her own problem. You work with the client/spouse/ child to find and reveal resources in her, believing they are present (“God will make a way where there seems to be no way, He works in ways we cannot see, God will make a way for me.”), even if your client/spouse/child do not believe it and acts helpless and as a victim. The Confronter sorts out and clarifies messages from the client/spouse/child, by recognizing and pointing out inconsistencies in the story. Also encourage the person to listen to what God is saying, pray with them that Holy Spirit opens up their spiritual eyes and ears to hear His voice and to see Him. Reflecting errors in fact or reporting of the situation is needed and appropriate, but not with a judgemental attitude. Being honest and forthright is effective, for example saying, “You seem to expect me to do so and so, and I am not willing to do that”.
Victim: Client: Believes she can’t be helped. Counsellor: Feels used.
Victor/ Person of Worth: Capable of finding resources and problem solving on her own. Has real pain. Is competent in her own life situation.
Rescuer:
Persecutor:
Counsellor: Needs to solve the problem.
Client: Refuses help, frustrating the Counsellor. Counsellor: Gets angry with the client for not following advice, or accepting solutions.
Empowerer: See Victim as Victor, Person of Worth. Do not take charge of the problem. Do not accept responsibility for the solution. Finds and reveals client’s strengths and resources. Believes in the client.
Confronter: Knows client owns the problem. Sorts out and clarifies client messages. Points out inconsistencies.
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Counsellor/Spouse/Parent RESCUER: I ...
fix protect rescue control carry their feelings don’t listen.
I feel ...tired anxious fearful liable. I am concerned with: the solution answers circumstances being right details performance.
Counsellor/Spouse/Parent EMPOWERER: I ...
show empathy encourage share confront level am sensitive listen.
I feel... relaxed free aware high self-esteem I am concerned with: relating person to person feelings the person. I believe that Holy Spirit is the Counsellor.
I am a manipulator.
I am a helper-guide (minister).
I expect my client/spouse/child to live up to my expectations.
I expect my client/spouse/child to be responsible for herself and her own decisions and actions. I can trust and let go.
Jesus is the real Rescuer...you as the counsellor cannot rescue or heal someone, just point them to Jesus. He is faithful. His love never fails.
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