The Game: The Cure to Chronic Dating Lameness By Hao Anh Nguyen
The Random Observations of Societal Wooing
ŠCopyright by Hao Nguyen, 2010. All rights reserved. WGA
Hao Nguyen 556 Nelson Hall MSUM Moorhead, MN 56560 (701) 899-1820 nguyenha@mnstate.edu
Cast of Characters Nevil:
A nerdy boy in need of the lessons of LOL’s video.
Jessica:
Spokeswoman and top saleswoman for LOL Co.
Cavewoman:
Self-explanatory.
Caveman:
Self-explanatory.
Aurelius:
A beautiful, roman woman.
Perus:
A strong, roman gladiator.
Michael:
A rich man of the 50’s.
Stacy:
A pretty girl of the 50’s.
Megan:
An 80’s girl with attitude.
Chance:
A cheesy, desperado.
Amanda:
A phone-a-holic with tons of attitude to match.
Dave:
A shy guy with a short temper.
Future Girl:
A high class, proper woman.
Future Guy:
A low class, inferior man.
Scene A commerical along with various time periods: Caveman, Roman, 50’s, 80’s, Present Time, and the Future. Time Duration: 1 hr to 1.5 hrs.
ACT I Scene 1 [CUE A COMMERCIAL SOUNDING SONG] Lights fade in onto an open stage. stereotypical nerd, enters.
Nevil, a
NEVIL Where am I? All I remember was reading Spiderman before waking up here. Oh, this isn’t good. (Shields his eyes from the lights overhead.) The lights hurt my eyes...What’s going on? (Searches his pockets but finds nothing.) I can’t find my cellular device. I need it to call Mother! I’m alone! (Grabs at his chest.) Darkness! Claustrophobia! I think I’m going to have a panic attack... Jessica, a sarcastic, eccentric spokesperson, enters. She is carrying a portfolio or DVD case. JESSICA Are you unhygenic? Weak-framed? Never seen the light of day? And is that every time you open your mouth, a whiney, nasally voice comes out? If yes, then chances are...you’re lonely. NEVIL Wait a minute, I’m not lonely! JESSICA Oh really now? do you drive?
Alright, let’s test that out.
What car
NEVIL Uh...I don’t have one. JESSICA Alright, do you have a job? NEVIL Uh...not at the moment. JESSICA Hmmm, well how about...when was the last time you kissed a girl...wait let me rephrase that, when was the last time you talked to a girl?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
2.
NEVIL Well...I’ve been busy lately, so I haven’t really been around many girls...at least lately! JESSICA Well according to our survey questions, you rank pretty much in the top 10 of lonely losers. NEVIL What’s that suppose to mean?! JESSICA Do you have any friends? NEVIL Yes! I have my friend...well no he was just a guy on the bus...there’s that one guy at school...no he just took my lunch. Well, who needs friends when you have 37 mint-condition action figurines! JESSICA My point taken. (to audience:) Now if you are like- (to Nevil:) who are you? NEVIL Well my name is Nevil Marcuz FritzJESSICA So if you are like Nerdy over hereNEVIL Hey!
That’s not my-
JESSICA You’ve probably never hugged a girl in your entire life. NEVIL For your information, I have SO hugged a girl! not so smart now, are you Miss?
You’re
JESSICA Other than your mom? NEVIL As a matter of fact!...no, I haven’t. (Hangs head down in shame.) JESSICA Didn’t think so-
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
3.
NEVIL Want to be my first hug? JESSICA (With a smile.) Awkward! NEVIL (Hangs head in shame again.) JESSICA (To audience:) Anyways, so for all of you people like Nerdy here, I have the perfect solution to help cure your chronic dating lameness. NEVIL But I’m not lame! JESSICA You don’t have a car. You don’t have a job. You haven’t talked to a girl, let alone kiss one in your entire life. Oh and let’s make this even more interesting. (Takes out a folder and opens it, reading its contents out to the audience.) According to your file, you’ve spent everyday of the past 10 year in your bedroom reading comic books. You like to spend your free time drawing pictures of wizards, one of which you had labeled as yourself. Of which you think makes you a powerful and interesting man to women. Weird? You’re also afraid of dogs, cats, and basically everything since you are a germaphobe. And lastly, you cry yourself to sleep to the sound of techno. Now wasn’t that just embarrassing. And trust me, it just gets weirder from there. Need I go on? NEVIL Nope...you’ve pretty much vanquished me right there... (Is defeated and deminished into nothingness as of confidence.) JESSICA Right. (To audience:) Well, if you want to avoid being like Nerdy here, the solution is this video! (Jessica reveals the DVD case to the audience.) We at LOL, Lovers Or Lame-O’s inc., have developed a powerful video that will help with your chronic dating lameness by showing you the history of picking up ladies and building relationships with them. Now (MORE) (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
4.
JESSICA (cont’d) you’re all probably thinking that this product is unreliable. Well, at LOL inc, we’ve been working on this perfect cure for some time now, spending countless hours and investments through many trials and errors of experimentation. And after many horrific results from our previous subjects, we’ve patched up our mistakes and created the final solution to chronic dating lameness! Think about it. A video that can help you ask out all the beautiful women around you on dates! (To Nevil:) How does that sound Nevil?! NEVIL Uh...females...I’m nervous... JESSICA Typical reaction. Now since this video is so great and can cure the major problem of chronic dating lameness, LOL inc. members are not suppose to reveal the contents of this video. I mean, if our secret got out, every corporation would create these powerful DVDs. (Beat.) However...since you are my special viewers, I show you some clips from this amazing video. But I’m only going out of my way because I care. NEVIL So what you are saying is that...this will make me more attractive? JESSICA (Looks at Nevil and then turns back to the audience.) Well when you put it that way...no. Lights fade out.
Exeunt Jessica and Nevil.
Scene 2 Lights fade in. Jessica enters to introduce the next scene. She is very enthusiastic about how she depicts these introductions. JESSICA Think back to the beginning of time, where the earth was young. Where prehistoric animals roamed the lands and seas, and there were bugs the size of birds...ew. And that is where we see the origin of this ancient art. Let’s go back in time, and see how our ancient ancestors performed the great art...of picking up women. Lights fade out.
Exeunt Jessica.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
5.
[CUE PREHISTORIC SOUNDS] Lights fade in on a cavewoman having troubles scavenging for food. Enters a caveman who is hunting for food with a spear. CAVEMAN (He sees the cavewoman and becomes interested, studying her slightly before exiting.) (He reenters dragging a large, heavy club across the ground towards the cavewoman. As he approaches, he tries to lift it. It is very heavy and he eventually lifts it. He swings.) CAVEWOMAN (Moves away, unknowingly dodging the caveman’s club as he swings down.) CAVEMAN (Falls from momentum.) CAVEWOMAN (Looks and disregards after a short confused stare.) CAVEMAN (Gets up again and tries again, lifting the club and inching his way over to the cavewoman.) CAVEWOMAN (Turns around just as the caveman is about to swing.) CAVEMAN (Quickly hides club.) CAVEWOMAN (Stares confused and then offers a twig. Then goes back to scavenging.) CAVEMAN (Follows her closely and then lifts and finally swings down onto the cavewoman’s head.) CAVEWOMAN (Body spasms and falls unconscious.)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
6.
CAVEMAN (Throws the club offstage and drags the cavewoman offstage after a short, primitive victory dance.) [CUE PREHISTORIC SOUNDS UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN] Lights fade out.
Exuent Caveman and Cavewoman.
Scene 3 Lights fade in. next scene.
Jessica enters to introduce the
JESSICA Now wasn’t that just beautiful? Talk about sweeping you off your feet! (Beat.) Or more like dragging you off your...(Trails off.) Now that you’ve see the violent, romantic styles of the caveman, let’s move to a more civilized time during the reign of Roman Emperor Titus. Imagine wild lions, clashing swords, and the cheer of the crowds from all sides as the gladiators fought for their lives! Let’s take a trip to the age of the Great Coliseum. Lights fade out.
Exeunt Jessica. [CUE ROMAN TRUMPETS]
Lights fade in. Enters Aurelius, a beautiful roman woman, possibly fanning herself. AURELIUS (Stares out into the horizon.) Ah, great Apollo graces us with such a beautiful day. And Mother Flora has blossomed her colorful offspring, as I can see. Such beautiful flowers and meadows, blanketed by a sea of light. How magnificent. Enters Perus, a dim-witted, masculine gladiator. AURELIUS (Catching a glimpse of him.) Oh my...(to herself:) It seems to me that Mercury has sent me a message from the gods...a big, strong one. PERUS (Sees her and strolls by.) Well, well. Who is this delicate flower? If I did not know any better, I think you were Venus in the flesh.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
7.
AURELIUS You flatter me. But if you wish to court a beautiful woman as I, you’ll have to try harder than that. (She takes a few steps away and then turns back to him.) I’ve been courted by various men, some men of Jupiter’s heavenly image and some who I thought should just stay with Pluto in the underworld. PERUS That is quite the comparison, my beauty. AURELIUS Yes it is. However, during these trials and errors, I’ve realized that there is always a trick or muse that these men possess. Artisans always wanted to paint me. Romantic right? Not when they insist on making you look worse than you do. PERUS Good thing I can’t paint. AURELIUS I would hope not. Then the philosophers always had interesting ideas, wasting away so much of my time that even old Saturn would be exhausted. Talking about the earth being round. I almost laughed. PERUS That’s because everyone knows the world is flat.
Duh.
AURELIUS And then those scientists always wanted to go off into the wild, leaving me behind, just to return and tell me that the rain is not brought by the gods and goddesses. PERUS Then where does it come from? Clouds? Don’t make me laugh. Sounds like you have courted with many strange men. AURELIUS (Teasing him.) They were more like boys. And that leaves me with one question: are you like them? Are you a boy who wishes to be with a woman, such as I? PERUS (Confidently laughs.) Need not worry, my beauty, for I am no boy. I am the bravest of men with strength to match. I am like a Spartan, who shows no fear to the heavens, the underworld, and all in-between.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
8.
AUREILUS That is quite the remark.
Are you a soldier?
PERUS No my beauty, I am the great Perus! The reincarnates of the legendary Verus and Priscus. I am the great gladiator who has faced countless foes, great lions, and an elephant or two. I am the champion of the Coliseum. (Poses bravely.) AURELIUS Oh.
(Unimpressed) You’re just a gladiator.
PERUS Wait what?
(Surprisingly offended.) JUST a gladiator?
AURELIUS Yes, you’re just a slave of the Romans who fights for our amusements. Although, I often found the kind barbaric and pathetic. PERUS I am no slave. I have actually volunteered to fight for sport. Call it my occupation. AURELIUS You fight for self-entertainment? That’s quite brave of you. And you think because of that, you are worthy of my courtship? PERUS (Advances towards her.) If the god of love, Mars allows itAURELIUS You mean Cupid. PERUS Whatever. If CUPID, allows it, I wish to take your golden heart. (He tries to brush the hair out of her face.) AURELIUS (Moves away from his attempt.) Hands off gladiator. You may have the words to woo a woman, but do you have the courage and strength you speak so highly of?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
9.
PERUS (Aggressively defensive.) Do I have the courage? Do I have the strength? you not see it from the way I stand before you?
Can
AURELIUS Not at all. PERUS Well I assure you, I am the most courageous and the strongest of the gladiators. And if I have to prove to youAURELIUS That would be helpful. PERUS What I was trying to say! Is that, if I have to prove to you of my courage and strength, I’ll fight in the Great Coliseum! I’ll do battle with the greatest of warriors and the fiercest of beasts to prove myself...to you... AURELIUS And I’m just to take your word? What combat skills could you possibly have? How about you demonstrate before going off to kill yourself. (She steps aside and presents him the floor.) Go ahead. PERUS (Prepares himself.) My skills were acquired from many battles in the Great Coliseum. With these skills, I have killed many men and many beasts. Such as my battle with five gladiators! The Battle of the Five Spears! AURELIUS I heard about that battle. There was actually only two of them and one of them only had one leg. And I heard that the gladiator just rampaged in random directions with no technique and more so lucky swings. PERUS Then obviously that wasn’t me. AURELIUS I heard that his name was Perus. PERUS Entirely coincidental.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
10.
AURELIUS Funny how he said the same thing you did: "I am the reincarnate of Verus and Priscus themselves!" Don’t tell me that’s coincidental also? PERUS (Frustrated.) That’s besides the point! What the point is, is that I am a great fighter. Behold! (He draws his sword and goes into a random frenzy of horrible-looking sword swings. He gets winded and takes a break. He then looks back up to Aurelius and poses.) Does my superior technique not impress you? AURELIUS Obviously. PERUS Then I have no choice but to go into the great Coliseum and take down every single soldier and when the crowd screams my name, then you will know how magnificent I truly am. AURELIUS And how would you do that? Beseech to the gods? I fear even Jupiter, the one who created the heavens and the gods and goddesses, may have his limits. However, if you insist, then may Juno keep you safe and may the gods give you...all their strength... PERUS (Obtains a boost of adrenaline and poses dramatically as if he is about to do something great. He moves with feeling) The sounds of the lions roaring give me strength. The cheering crowds give me confidence. Just sit there my delicate beauty. I will return after my battles...for you. Exeunt Perus. AURELIUS (Walks in the opposite direction.) He says he is like a Spartan. Quite the remark. If he was a Spartan, then the rest of us all are gods and goddesses...however, it is a shame...he was kind of cute. Exeunt Aurelius. [ROMAN TRUMPETS PLAY UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN] (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
11.
Lights fade out. Scene 4 Lights fade in. scene.
Jessica enters to introduce the
JESSICA Wow. That Roman sure has guts. Let’s just hope he can handle the hungry lions! But now let’s journey to an even later time where rock n’ roll began to emerge, and the best place to get a good milk shake or soda was at the local sock hop. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the 1950’s. Lights fade out.
Exeunt Jessica. [CUE A WELL-KNOWN 50’S SONG]
Lights fade in. Michael, an awkward, rich boy, is standing reading a newspaper. MICHAEL (Off the paper:) "Russians send first satellite to orbit the earth." People going into space? You got to be kidding me. Enters Stacy, a beautiful, but snappy girl. She is walking in Michael’s direction, but appearing to be in a rush. STACY (To herself:) Alright, bread, eggs, and butter. Bread, eggs, and butter. Remember to get bread, eggs, and butter. Michael notices Stacy and is attracted nonetheless. He quickly folds the paper, puts it away, and tries awkwardly cleaning his appearance before approaching her. He steps in front of her. MICHAEL (Nervously.) Um...hello Stacy. What a pleasant afternoon. STACY Oh...hello Michael. I almost didn’t see you there. should probably pay more attention next time.
I
MICHAEL Well, I could see you easily from the distance.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
12.
STACY (Offended) What is THAT suppose to mean?! I have you know I run every single day and I watch what I eMICHAEL (Caught off guard) No, no, no! I didn’t mean that! STACY Then what DID you mean? MICHAEL I wasn’t calling youSTACY Calling me what? MICHAEL You know... STACY You know my mother always told me that boys should never talk about a woman’s weight. Especially in public! MICHAEL When I said that I could easily see you from the distance, I wasn’t talking about your weight. STACY Then are you one of those stalker types? Following pretty girls around? Are you trying to say that you’re a...peeping Tom?! MICHAEL (Defensive) No, no, no! That is the opposite of what I am! STACY Opposite?
You don’t like girls?
MICHAEL WHAT?!
(Thrown off) No!
STACY Well you did say you were the "opposite" of a peepin Tom... MICHAEL I mean that I’m NOT a peepin Tom! I was just trying to say...what I meant was that I think your dress makes you look very...you know... (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
13.
STACY (Offended) You think I look horrible in this dress? MICHAEL No!
What I meant was-
STACY So this is another fat comment, is it! MICHAEL Stacy! You are not fat! look beauti-
I just wanted to say that you
STACY I’ll tell you here right now Michael, I will not stand around and be called fat and horribly dressed by a stalking peepin’ Tom who is not sure if they like girls. And if you keep it up, no lady will ever want to grace their presence in front of you. So if you don’t mind, I have errands at the grocery. Good day! Stacy begins to walk away. MICHAEL (Disappointed) Gosh darn it...now what am I going to do about the Harvard Ball... Stacy immediately turns around and walks back to Michael with a different attitude. STACY (Hearing "Harvard Ball") Did you say...Harvard Ball? Oh Michael, do tell me more. MICHAEL (Confused) I thought you had errands to do? STACY Oh me? else.
Nope, you must have me confused with someone
MICHAEL But I you just saidSTACY Don’t remember. So tell me, what is this Harvard Ball, that you were talking about?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
14.
MICHAEL Okay?...Well invited to a oil industry lawyer. But of that.
every year, new-coming students are formal party. My father is part of the and sent me to Harvard to pursue being a I guess you probably don’t care about any
STACY (Being extra flirty) No, I do care. You know, like many women, I like men who take initiative with their lives. MICHAEL Yeah, the more successful you are, the more it seems to attract women. I never seemed to understand that. STACY Successful men, like lawyers, I find very attractive. MICHAEL Well, they are hard workers. STACY Especially lawyers from Harvard. Those are the most attractive. What I wouldn’t do to be with one of them. MICHAEL Well, with the money they make, they could probably capture the eye of anyone. STACY I don’t think you understand. MICHAEL You’re right. successful.
Only a majority of lawyers become
STACY Michael! lawyer!
(Frustrated) I would probably date a successful future
MICHAEL (Catches on. Overconfident.) Ohhh! Well why didn’t you say so earlier! I actually plan on graduating with a law degree and then maybe, open a law firm? Not sure what will happen, but I’m sure there would be a lot of profits. STACY That sounds so great!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
15.
MICHAEL And then maybe with the money I could easily buy a fancy car to drive around across the ocean side. STACY With the wind in your hair. MICHAEL And sailing the beautiful ocean on my own yact. STACY Watching the sunset from its deck. MICHAEL And then buy a large home with maids and butlers to take care of my every whim for the rest of my life! Stacy almost faints but Michael catches her. collects herself.
She
STACY (Overwhelmed) Sorry, it was just so...magnificent that I couldn’t handle myself. MICHAEL Are you okay? STACY I’m fine. I was just wondering, however... It would be great to drive along the ocean side in a new car, and it would be wonderful to sail in your own yacht. And a great big house may be the perfect idea, but it may be lonely. And what I’ve been wondering was...if you’d have a lady by your side during all of this? MICHAEL (Resuming the teasing) Well I guess I could use a pretty lady with me. she has to be outgoing.
But
STACY I love new experiences! MICHAEL She also needs to be funny. STACY I can tell you a joke if you want!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
16.
MICHAEL She has to be smart. STACY I know molecular science! MICHAEL Not that smart though. STACY I was kidding by the way about the science thing. MICHAEL She has to be beautiful too. STACY I know who can be the perfect girl! MICHAEL But who could I possibly take with me to the Harvard Ball wih who knows afterward... STACY It would mean the world to mMICHAEL Interested in accompanying me? Overjoyed, Stacy sprints towards him and hugs him tightly. STACY (Excited) Oh that would be amazing Michael! happy!
You’ve made me so
MICHAEL (Excited with his "act" dying down) This is great! We can go on wonderful dates, and spend our days together! Like at the lake, fishing! STACY (Disgusted and confused) What?! MICHAEL (Resuming the act. Cough.) I mean...cruising on my private yacht. STACY (Oblivious) Oh.
Okay!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
17. Stacy holds onto Michael for dear life as lights fade out. Exeunt Michael and Stacy. [CUE 1950’S SONG UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN] Scene 5 Lights fade in. scene.
Jessica enters to introduce the
JESSICA Do you know what I think? I think he should ditch that pathetic Stacy, and go buy me a big, diamond ring. (Cheesy wink.) Anyways, now that you’ve seen the amazing, sophisticated styles of the rich men of the 1950’s, let’s go farther in time to an era when Thriller was the best music video and everyone spent hours playing Pac-Man. To an era where the culture was about flaunting riches and crazy dressing habits. I present to you the smooth styles of the 1980’s. Lights fade out.
Exeunt Jessica. [CUE WELL-KNOWN 1980’S SONG]
Lights fade in on Megan, a sharp-tongued girl, reading a popular 80’s magazine. MEGAN (Off the magazine:) Hmm, according to this, every girl in the world has the same style: big hair, crimped, combed over to the side, worn with spandex pants. Good thing I thought of them first. Enters Chance, a Fonz-like boy with bad practice in flirting. CHANCE (Dramatically combs hair and does a cheesy Fonz gesture: wink and do a double thumbs up at the audience.) Ayyyyyyy! (Checks out Megan. Moves over smoothly and takes a seat next to her.) Hey pretty thang. (Gets even closer.) How yoo do’en? MEGAN (Glued to her magazine.) I could be better if I were alone.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
18.
CHANCE Oh, a challenge now? Alright then, if you want it that way. (Takes out a small notebook, his "pick-up lines" book. He flips through a page or two and reads one:) Hey...I’m Chance...do I got one? (Cheesy wink.) MEGAN I’m Megan, and with that line, you don’t and probably won’t ever. CHANCE Well...can I call you Meg? (Beat.) Can I call you...tomorrow?
Can I call you Meggy?
MEGAN You can call me never-gonna-happen. And the last time a boy tried calling me, my dad answered the phone, and let’s just say that Jimmy has been missing since. CHANCE Never mind... (Gets desperate. He rises and looks into his pick-up line book. After a few page turns, he finds another line.) Ah-ha! (He returns to where Megan is sitting and tries to get closer again. Smooths his hair back.) Baby...who took the stars out of the sky...and put them in your eyes? MEGAN You should become a scientist and get some pretty big-rimmed glasses. Maybe then you’d look more attractive. CHANCE Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put you...and I...together. (Extra emphasis on "together".) MEGAN If I could rearrange the park, I would put you and a tree "together". (Puts on headphones for a cassette player.)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
19.
CHANCE (Getting more desperate and fumbling through pages.) Girl, I see you sitting there...reading that magazine...and I can tell...that you must be tired...because you’ve been running in my mind all day! MEGAN (Singing badly along to Michael Jackson’s Thriller:) "Be cause this is THRILLER! Thriller night! Cause I would never thrill you more than any girl would ever dare try!" (Dances to her own headphones.) CHANCE (Shoots his last few lines one after the other. Shaky and nervous:) Is it hot in here, or is it just you? MEGAN Probably...nope, most likely between you and me, it’s me. CHANCE Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? MEGAN Did it hurt when your Mama dropped you on your head? CHANCE Are you an explosives expert? blown my mind!
’Cuz baby you’ve just
MEGAN Are you a librarian? CHANCE Are you an alien? this world!
’Cuz baby you’ve just bored mine.
’Cuz that smile of yours is out of
MEGAN Are YOU an alien? normal.
’Cuz that smile of yours isn’t
CHANCE (Finally "pick-up ground. What is wrong with difficult?!
becoming outraged, throwing his line" book on the Rising and standing:) you? Why are you being so
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
20.
MEGAN (Finally making eye contact and getting up also. Snappy:) What do you mean "difficult"? You trying to say I should be easy? CHANCE No!
(Defensively) That’s nothing to what I wanted to say!
MEGAN Then WHAT were you trying to say?! CHANCE (Sighs and pathetically:) Wanna date? MEGAN Took you long enough. (Gets close and kisses him.) CHANCE (Shocked and falls onto the ground.) MEGAN (Jokingly) Hey, did it hurt when you fell fromCHANCE Shut up. Lights fade out.
Exeunt Chance and Megan.
[CUE 80’S SONG UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN] Scene 6 Lights fade in. scene.
Jessica enters to introduce the
JESSICA (Dazed) That guy sure has a way with words... (Awakes from the daze) Now that we are done with the smooth styles of the 80’s, let’s move onto the advanced times where iPods and high-definition TV are the standard of technology. To this time period where the great question was created: Edward vs. Jacob. To the time of the present! Wow.
Lights fade out.
Exeunt Jessica.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
21.
[CUE WELL-KNOWN MODERN SONG.] Lights fade in on Amanda, a harsh, high-guarded girl, loudly talking on her phone. AMANDA (To her phone:) Becky! I miss you so much! (Beat.) I know I was just at your house, but that does not mean I can’t miss you! (Beat.) I know! We should totally do that! (Beat.) Wait what did your boyfriend do? Enters Dave, nervous, young, shy guy, carrying flowers, chocolates, and gifts. DAVE (Shyly) Hey Amanda... AMANDA (To her phone:) Wait! Your boyfriend sent you flowers?! That’s so lame! (Beat.) Well maybe there are sweet and nice for you, but flowers make me feel sick. I mean, there they are and they either smell good or bad, and either way they just die and make a mess everywhere. (Beat.) If I got flowers, I’d probably throw them at the guy who gave them to me. DAVE (Looks at the flowers. Panicked, he tosses them away awkwardly. Shyly.) Um...Amanda? AMANDA (To her phone:) However, I wish I got flowers sometimes. got you chocolates?!
(Beat.)
He
DAVE (Looks back at the flowers with regret. Looks at the chocolates with relief.) I have a gift for you... AMANDA (To her phone:) But only losers give girls chocolate! Like what do they want you to do with them? Eat them? I mean, "here you go, eat these and gain 20 pounds and a face full of pimples! And to top that off, I’m lactose intolerant, and that would bring on the runs. (Beat.) Shut up! I don’t care that I said that. It’s not like (MORE) (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
22.
AMANDA (cont’d) there is anyone around me. And like I said, chocolates are so bad that if anyone gave me some, I’d probably throw them at his face. DAVE (Quickly gets rid of the chocolates. Shyly.) Um...hello, Amanda...I just wanted to say that I think that...you are the most beautiful girl in school andAMANDA (To her phone:) Well that’s sweet of him and all, but guys who keep calling women "beautiful" or "amazing" are just suck-ups, pushovers, and wimps! (Beat.) No! I don’t care! Remember when that one loser in 6th grade called me "beautiful"? (Beat.) Yeah, I made sure I beat him good and threw him into the trash can. DAVE (Becomes slightly shocked but tries hard to calm down.) I meant...I just was wonderingAMANDA (To her phone:) And strangers with gifts?! Oh here’s a random box of surprises! Like you could get boxes of either a pair of shoes or a box full of steamy vomit. (Beat.) Yeah it’s happened before and I don’t want to talk about... DAVE (Defeated and sighs. I was just wondering-
Tosses the gifts.)
AMANDA (To her phone:) Yeah, but we definitely need to go shopping later! DAVE You know...that maybe some time later... AMANDA (To her phone:) Yeah, I’ll chat with ya later hun! DAVE If you were not busy... AMANDA (To her phone:) Have fun at with waxing your uni-brow!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
23.
DAVE That we couldAMANDA (Getting annoyed from Dave. To her phone:) Hold on. Some loser is trying to interrupt my phone call. (Beat.) I know, it’s rude. But I guess I’ll just call you later. (To Dave:) Why are you being so rude? DAVE I’m not being rude? AMANDA Are you sure, because it seems like it. DAVE I’m not trying to be... AMANDA What do you want, Dave? DAVE (Innocently.) Wait, weren’t you listening to anything I was saying? AMANDA (Blows it out of proportions.) Well, I WAS on the phone. You think that you are sooo cool that I should just listen to you ALL the time?! Like you are some king right?! DAVE No, I didn’t mean it like that all! AMANDA Then what WERE you trying to say?! DAVE (Not to the point.) Um,...well I was just wonderingAMANDA Well say it already!
Stop being such a loser!
DAVE Sorry, IAMANDA Don’t apologize like a wimp! My mom use to tell me that a guy who can’t talk is usually a creepy, weak, (MORE) (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
24.
AMANDA (cont’d) low-self-esteemed loser who probably sleeps with a night light and cries himself until he passes out from their miserable life. And! DAVE (Getting more and more frustrated. Holds back.) Please, quit... AMANDA Quit what? You lame, pathetic, no-good, dumb excuse for a dude whoDAVE (Unleashes his rage.) Will you just shut up?!! Geez! All I wanted to do was be nice to you and try to date you, but you had to go psycho and become such an abusive freak! You spend all your time on the phone being rude by just ignoring me and insulting me while doing so! Then you freak out on me for doing nothing?! You are crazy! AMANDA (Is dead quiet as if gasping.) DAVE Do you know what? I’m better than this and I don’t need some abusive chick who does nothing but take a sledgehammer to someone’s self-confidence. I don’t need you, so forget this... (Starts to walk away.) AMANDA Wait Dave... DAVE (Turns around.
Annoyed.)
What now? AMANDA I just didn’t know...I’ve never seen this side of you before, Dave. How you told me off like that and the way you walked out on me...it was so...manly. (Extra emphasis on "manly".) DAVE What are you talking about? AMANDA It just makes me want to get closer to you.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
25.
DAVE Wait what? AMANDA It’s so attractive. (Holds onto him.) DAVE (Question that lingers.) What just happened? Lights fade out.
Exeunt Dave and Amanda.
[CUE MODERN SONG UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN.] Scene 7 Lights fade in. scene.
Jessica enters to introduce the
JESSICA I would have never guessed that Dave would have such an attractive rebellious personality. Did you see how he just took charge? He was such a real man...Now let’s move onto our last time period. A time period of robots, hovercrafts, and aliens! Just kidding! Or are we? With the help of our highly-trained scientifical engineers, we at LOL inc. have created a highly realistic prediction of what life would be 300 years into the future. Exciting?! I know I am! Let’s see how the man of tomorrow handles the situation of wooing. Lights fade out.
Exeunt Jessica. [CUE FUTURISTIC SOUNDS]
Lights fade in. Enters Future Girl, a proper, advance, in-charge woman. FUTURE GIRL (Coming back from a shopping trip, carrying an excessive amount of bags. Stops; looks at the floor with disgust. Puts bags offstage for a bit and then returns to inspect the floor. Is disgusted with her findings.) This floor is disgusting! Where is he? (Presses a button on her watch or etc.; a siren goes out.) Enters Future Guy, an inferior-looking, dirt-covered man, running out and sliding onto his knees before her. (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
26.
FUTURE GUY (Exhausted and nervous for what is to happen next. Starts cleanning her shoes with a rag.) You called for me master? FUTURE GIRL (Moves her foot away casually.) Have you mowed all 200 acres of the yard? FUTURE GUY Of course ma’am. FUTURE GIRL Trimmed all 50 hedges? FUTURE GUY Every inch. FUTURE GIRL How about washing every cat and dog in the master pen? FUTURE GUY Every hair and claw.
Got some claw marks on my b-
FUTURE GIRL What about painting the home? FUTURE GUY Like a rainbow as you asked. FUTURE GIRL And what about the floors? FUTURE GUY I’ve cleaned them 2 hours ago. FUTURE GIRL (Finally hitting a nerve, but calmly:) Two...hours ago? FUTURE GUY (Nervously:) Did I do something wrong? FUTURE GIRL When do you ever do something right? However, this is unacceptable, I remember specifically telling you to clean these floors every and only ever hour. FUTURE GUY Ma’am, I apologize but I’ve been busy with the other task that I could not-
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
27.
FUTURE GIRL Enough. I don’t need a man to tell me what a busy day is like. But it is quite adorable that you would suggest such a thing. But if you haven’t forgotten the rules of this society: men are inferior and women are superior. FUTURE GUY I understand ma’am, but it was almost impossible to keep up with every single jobFUTURE GIRL Adorable, you’re still going at it. I’ll humor you and try to act like you’re actually competent. What is the main law in this society? FUTURE GUY (Unsure.) Women are superior? FUTURE GIRL Silly boy, I’ve already said that. But it’s not like you could have figured that out. The right answer is that not only are women superior than men, but men must obey to the superior species. These laws have been in effect for almost 300 years since the great change in power long ago by the great female triumvirate: Hilary Clinton, Sarah Palin, and the all powerful Oprah. But I’ll spare you the history lesson. It’s not like you could understand it anyways. You are more inferior than these shoes. FUTURE GUY I am? FUTURE GIRL Of course. Have you seen these beauties? With these I’m the center of attention. All you are good for is simple yard work and manual labor. How barbaric. FUTURE GUY (Nervous to speak his mind but then mutters agreement:) I only serve you ma’am. FUTURE GIRL I suppose that is an adequate statement, however, I’m unsure of your capability now that you have failed me. I had to send the last slave to the Barbie Execution Center...you wouldn’t want me to have to do it again, right?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
28.
FUTURE GUY (Full of fear:) Yes, ma’am! Anything but that! FUTURE GIRL (Ignoring his words) So you are saying you wouldn’t want me to have you dragged away to a very, VERY, scary place? FUTURE GUY No ma’am!
Please, anything!
FUTURE GIRL Very well. I suppose I’m feeling quite the good mood today so I’ll spare your petty little life today. Now clean these floors until my reflection can see itself. FUTURE GUY I’m on it! (Begins cleaning vigorously) Must clean...don’t want to go to Barbie Execution Center... FUTURE GIRL It’s quite funny how the roles have changed if you ever knew your history. Apparently from what I’ve learned, about 360 or so years ago, we would have switched roles, but how hilarious is that thought? FUTURE GUY (Under his breath:) Man, those would’ve been the days... FUTURE GIRL (Suspicious:) What was that? FUTURE GUY (Nervous:) I just said that you are completely right. That sounds like ridiculous times. I would rather serve you. FUTURE GIRL Ah. That is a good inferior man. (Pets him.) If you were to speak your mind, I would’ve called the Prada Police and have them beat some sense into, but since your comment was nice, I’ll decide against it. FUTURE GUY Thank you ma’am. (Still cleaning.)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
29.
FUTURE GIRL (Watching. Beat.) How well did you do in the Annual Macy’s Day Extermination Physical Exams? FUTURE GUY They told me I scored 9 points of 10. Everyone else lower than 7 were sent to the North Pole to collect ice. FUTURE GIRL Yes, it was in the news. Does that mean you are an efficient man? I’m not sure if we could base that on your laziness lately...however, I’ve come up with an idea. Alright, stop cleaning! FUTURE GUY (Stops and just keeps his head down.) FUTURE GIRL I’ve looked past it before, but I’ve noticed you, as an inferior male, happens to have special qualities...and because of those qualities, I’ve decided that from now on...you will be my personal inferior pet. Well, fourth one this month. The last one ran away and they sent in vicious Chiuauas after him. It was not a very pretty site. But I’ve decided that you are my new one. FUTURE GUY (Genuinely excited:) Really ma’am?! That would be a great honor! FUTURE GIRL Of course it would be, but then again you probably don’t know what that means. But no time for explanations. You will start today by wiping all the windows, washing all the cars, cleaning my pool, raking all the leaves, and carrying all my shopping bags at the Holy Grounds: The Central Mall! FUTURE GUY Thank you ma’am! I will not fail you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Attempts to kiss her feet, but she shakes him off.) FUTURE GIRL (Recalling a thought:) Hmm...I remember reading an ancient article at the Grand Library. I think the name of the manuscript was called: Cos-mo-pol-i-tan? Yes. I think that is what it was called. But there was an interesting article that said people like you use to be refered to as...boyfriends. (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
30. Lights fade out. Exuent Future Girl and Future Guy. [CUE FUTURISTIC SOUNDS UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN] Scene 8 Lights fade in on Jessica and Nevil who are standing next to each other facing the audience. [CUE COMMERCIAL SONG]
JESSICA (To the audience:) Now wasn’t that just wonderful? I can tell from all of your expressions you can’t wait to place your orders. With our video from the Lovers or Lame-O’s inc., you will get fantastic information that will change how the common man sees picking up women. You will get information that will transform any guy into an irresistible, expert pick-up artist! (Looks at Nevil and then back to the audience.) Well almost any guy... NEVIL (Confused.) Wait, what does that mean?
Almost any guy?
JESSICA (To Nevil:) It means that there is a lonely boy who has a case beyond repair. NEVIL Who is that? JESSICA Well let’s just say you and him have A LOT in common. NEVIL He’s...like me? JESSICA Just kidding!!
He actually is you.
NEVIL Hey I take offense to that! harsh name-call-
I don’t appreciate your
JESSICA (Ecstatic.) Don’t care! So what did you learn so far from this amazing video, Nerdy? (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
31.
NEVIL It’s Nevil... JESSICA (Still smiling.) Whatever. NEVIL Well...all I got from the video was that in order to successfully perform the ritual of(Quote fingers.) -"picking up women"(Counts on his hand.) -a guy needs to be a violent club-wielding Neanderthal; a dim-witted, courageous brute; an arrogant, wealthy man who has no personality; a cheesy, spineless, persistent desperado; a verbally-abusive jerk; or a complete pushover. JESSICA (Dazed.) They all sound so dreamy... NEVIL More like ridiculous! I can’t believe that a girl would fall for any of those! JESSICA What’s gotten you upset this time, Nerdy? NEVIL Nevil! JESSICA Whatever. NEVIL (Sigh.) I just thought that girls would appreciate a man who was more...nicer? JESSICA What are you talking about? NEVIL It’s been known that long ago, men would be polite and be true gentlemen to their respective lady and they would evenJESSICA Stop.
I hate history.
I failed that class.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
32.
NEVIL For some reason I’m not surprised...but what I was trying to say was that girls should like guys who are nice. JESSICA Oh Nevil, don’t be so Navee. NEVIL Don’t you mean Naive? JESSICA And that’s why you are lonely. NEVIL (Defeated.) Yeah I know...I’m just sick of how the "bad boys" always get the girl over the nice guys like me. JESSICA What do you mean by "nice"? NEVIL Like opening doors, getting gifts, being supportive, and someone to depend on? JESSICA You call that nice? Women don’t like that at all! Trust me, girls don’t like those types of guys until they’ve been with their men for a LOOOOOOOOONG time. Actually, the nicest thing a guy could do that women really want would be for them to remember to put the toilet seat down. NEVIL I leave the toilet seat down... JESSICA With no women in your house, leaving it down is just weird. Trust me, LOL’s Cure to Chronic Dating Lameness is the only way to learn how to pick up women. NEVIL But what about honesty and respect? at all to women?
Don’t those matter
JESSICA Listen here NerdyNEVIL It’s-forget it...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
33.
JESSICA If you want to pick up women, then you need to lie. Everyone does. We humans lie so much it’s encoded in our brains as babies after we are born. Men lie all the time. I mean seriously...does every man drive a fancy car? Or can they all kick box? And how can every single guy happen to rescue an old lady from drowning in a single week? Guys will say almost anything to seem more appealing to the opposite gender...sometimes even for the same gender. But either way, the basic idea is...guys lie to get dates. NEVIL So you are saying that all I need to do is lie...in order to get a girl to date me? JESSICA You are a quick learner, Nerdy. NEVIL That sounds completely irrationalJESSICA (To the audience:) Moving on! Now that you’ve seen how this video teaches the history of picking up women, every one of you is probably feeling great because you know our techniques, however, there are always cases where a relationship can become awkward and a horrible experience. So what are you suppose to do? Suffer? Not at all! LOL’s Cure to Chronic Dating Lameness video comes with a second part: the history of breaking up with women! NEVIL This just doesn’t seem right...was LOL inc. always named like that? JESSICA Well they use to be the Women’s Brainwashing Company, but they changed it last year. NEVIL Yeah...that’s not suspicious at all... JESSICA Exactly! Now let’s see how to finally say goodbye to that pain in the rear by learning from the men who invented it! NEVIL I find no educational point to this...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
34.
JESSICA Just shut up and watch the video! (Short cough.) I mean, let’s check back with our previous couples. (Smiles.) Lights fade out.
Exeunt Jessica and Nevil.
Scene 9 Lights fade in. next scene.
Jessica enters to introduce the
JESSICA In the beginning, the art of breaking up with women began when the prehistoric man became uninterested in his mate. He would soon find that creating fire and wheels as more important and eventually learn the art of breaking up. And after research by our decently-trained archeologists, we have discovered what they would have done in those desperate times. Lights fade out.
Exeunt Jessica. [CUE PREHISTORIC SOUNDS]
Lights fade in on the cavewoman. CAVEWOMAN (Crouched down either playing with a twig, drawing pictures in the ground, or eating something.) Enters Caveman. CAVEMAN (Slowly walks out to see Cavewoman and then goes back out. Slowly re-enters carrying a giant necklace with a ham on it. Gets closer and closer and cautiously looks around as if some giant beast will appear soon.) CAVEWOMAN (Becomes alert and looks up. Becomes happy at the sight of Caveman and goes for an embrace.) CAVEMAN (Tries to avoid it by running around the stage for a bit.)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
35.
CAVEWOMAN (Chases him with arms stretched out.) CAVEMAN (Stops and holds out the necklace as a last resort.) CAVEWOMAN (Examines it. Takes it and puts it on. Becomes happier. Embraces caveman.) CAVEMAN (Tries to push her off.) CAVEWOMAN (Pulled off and sits where she started at. Offers a twig.) CAVEMAN (Declines with gestures and slowly walks off stage.) CAVEWOMAN (Turns away from him and goes back to what she was doing.) CAVEMAN (As he is about to exit, he turns to his opposite stage side and whistle. Runs offstage.)(Beat.) Exeunt Caveman. [CUE VICIOUS DINOSAUR SOUND] CAVEWOMAN (Becomes frightened. Slowly looks up at the audience with horrified expression.) Lights fade out.
Exeunt Cavewoman.
[CUE PREHISTORIC SOUNDS UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN] Scene 10 Lights fade in. next scene.
Jessica enters to introduce the
JESSICA Wow...That was...INCREDIBLE! Caution: the use of prehistoric dinosaurs to get rid of girlfriends is physically impossible and even if it were possible, it (MORE) (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
36.
JESSICA (cont’d) would be completely ILLEGAL. I mean, what an immature way to break up with someone, right? Now let’s get back with our special Roman couple and see how our brave little Roman handles the break up situation. Lights fade out.
Exeunt Jessica. [CUE ROMAN TRUMPETS]
Lights fade in on Aurelius staring off at the horizon in the audience’s direction. AURELIUS (Dreamily.) I wonder how my brave Perus is doing in the Great Coliseum? I hope he is safe, but then again he is such a strong and courageous man. And he chooses me to be his love! How romantic it is to think about him sometimes. To imagine how he would fight legions of men for my love. Yes, that is my Perus. He will return with a great romantic love and then hold onto me. Then he will tell me how beautiful I am and it will be the most romantic night ever! PERUS (Off-stage:) My dear Aurelius! I’ve returned from the Coliseum! AURELIUS There he is! I knew he would return! comes with my romantic love.
And here he
Enters Perus, covered in dirt, sweat, and dried blood. PERUS Hello Aurelius, you are looking nice today. AURELIUS (Confused and slightly disappointed.) Nice? PERUS Yeah, you look nice today. AURELIUS Nothing. Nothing is wrong. the Coliseum?
What’s wrong? How was your battles in
PERUS They were great! I ended up fighting tons of soldiers, gladiators, lions, and one shark!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
37.
AURELIUS In the water?! PERUS Well no, they forgot to fill the Coliseum with water so it was more like a shark out of water. Scary actually, that it was chasing me the entire time. AURELIUS A shark...out of water...was chasing you? PERUS You’re surprised? AURELIUS Actually yes?
How was the shark chasing you?
PERUS It was on a chariot. It’s head was off the side and it was chomping away. Quite scary actually. AURELIUS I think the Coliseum is getting weirder and weirder every day... (Changing the subject.) Anyways, my dear Perus, have you missed me at all? PERUS Yes, in fact I have. Actually, during one of my fights, I proclaimed your name to the peopleAURELIUS (Excited.) While fighting single-handly against troops of soldiers? PERUS More like killing a bear. AURELIUS (Shocked and disgusted.) That’s barbaric! What do you think this place is? Sparta? PERUS (Chuckles and grins.) That was a good movie. (Coughs.) I mean, my dear Aurelius, I did it in our love! AURELIUS Only a bear?
That’s how strong our love is?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
38.
PERUS My dear Aurelius. I’ve fought armies of soldiers and gladiators. I’ve defeated the fiercest of beasts. That is how strong our love is. I would protect you even if all the gods and goddesses were to take you away! AURELIUS (Deeply moved.) Oh Perus! You have deeply moved me and now my heart calls out to you! I use to doubt it before, but now I see you as the one I want to spend my life with! PERUS You are the love of my life and nothing would want me to change that otherwise. AURELIUS Perus, we will be together through the eternities through death and then in the heavens beside the gods. You will be mine and I’ll be yours...forever. PERUS (Suddenly uncomfortable.) Wait, did you say forever? AURELIUS Yes?
What’s wrong with that?
PERUS Um nothing, nothing at all. I just um, remembered that I have another fight at the Coliseum. AURELIUS Oh, well since you’ve won so many battles, it shouldn’t be a problem to win and then return to me. PERUS Actually...my dear Aurelius, I’m sorry I haven’t, um, told you about this. This next fight will be, uh, a very difficult match where most likely I will be killed in a very violent death. AURELIUS What?!
A violent death?
That’s horrible!
PERUS It would also be best to disregard anyone who may look like me afterward on the streets because it will only cause you pain and misery.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
39.
AURELIUS This is just...so sudden. without you?
Perus, what am I going to do
PERUS I have no idea, but we cannot tempt the heavens. My fate is sealed. I’m sorry I couldn’t spend an eternity with you... (Under his breath:) Thank goodness... AURELIUS What was that? PERUS Nothing my love, but I hear the horns calling me away to my doom. Farewell... (Walks towards offstage and under his breath:) ...and good riddance. (Charges off.) For Rome!!! Exeunt Perus. AURELIUS (Crying.) Why! Now who will I love? (Calms down a bit.) I’ve never courted with an emperor before...guess there’s a start for everything. No Perus!
Lights fade out.
Exeunt Aurelius.
[CUE ROMAN TRUMPETS UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN] Scene 11 Lights fade in. next scene.
Jessica enters to introduce the
JESSICA Envious don’t you think? Heading off into a dangerous environment, against dozens of other gladiators, prides of lions, dying in a horrific loss instead of just quitting and being with Aurelius? I know what you’re thinking: he sure has dedication. Anyways, let’s jitterbug on down back to our 50’s couple. Lights fade out.
Exeunt Jessica. [CUE WELL-KNOWN 50’S SONG.]
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
40.
Lights fade in.
Michael enters.
MICHAEL (Enters quickly while looking back from where he came. Paranoid.) STACY (Offstage:) Oh, Michael! MICHAEL (Nervously pacing. Somewhat terrified.) Are you kidding me?! First, I lose her and then I walk all the way through all of those construction yards and junkyards, and she still manages to keep up?! STACY (Offstage:) Where are you?! MICHAEL What do I do? Should I run? Should I stay? saying, of course I should go!
What am I
STACY (Offstage:) Found you! MICHAEL (Glumly.) Too late... Enters Stacy. STACY (Excited. Quickly comes over to hold onto Michael.) I’ve been looking all over for you! I thought I saw you go through the construction and junkyard, so I walked through but I almost got lost. It would’ve been a sad day, but it’s a good thing I found, you know. I’ve missed you a bunch. MICHAEL (Uncomfortable.) I missed you too...since ten minutes ago when I left you at the sock hop... STACY (Happy.) Oh silly, you and your hiding games. Always running off and making me have to find you. You were doing pretty well this time. I checked the grocery, your (MORE) (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
41.
STACY (cont’d) home, the neighbors, and even in all the trees to make sure. But then I found you, so I win! MICHAEL Just a game...right. STACY (Holds onto him tightly.) Oh Michael. Dating you was the best decision of my life. Think about our future. We can buy a large mansion with maids and butlers. We can have a row of cars and elegant art decorate the halls of our home. We could sail across the ocean on a yacht while everyone watches in envy. MICHAEL Sounds...amazing... STACY And think about our wedding! We’ll have a giant cake, and everyone will be there! You will be mine and I’ll be yours! Maybe we should look for dresses this weekend! Oh Michael, you will be a great husband. MICHAEL (Pushes her away several times.) STACY (Clings back over and over regardless of how many times he pushes her away.) MICHAEL Stacy...maybe it would be best to not make any rash assumptions. STACY What’s that mean? MICHAEL It means we should take our time and NOT try to plan out our ENTIRE futures. STACY Oh Michael, I understand EXACTLY what you mean. Don’t worry. I’ve only picked out... (Takes a few seconds to pick and then uses gestures to portray her next line.) Only three of our seven kids’ names. (Smiles.)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
42.
MICHAEL (Violently coughs and moves away, hunched over toward the floor.) STACY (Shocked.) What’s wrong?! MICHAEL I think I almost threw up... STACY Are you okay?! MICHAEL Yeah...I might have caught something... STACY Well I can nurse you back to health. MICHAEL (Rises quickly.) No need for that, I’m fine. (Violently coughs.) Just fine. I’m perfectly fine. STACY Well if you say so. MICHAEL Anyways...three kids out of seven?
Isn’t that kind of-
STACY I could come up with the other four names right now if you wished dearie? MICHAEL I think that will be unnecessary. STACY Okay! (Rests back onto him.) It’s just like what everyone is talking about. The great American dream. You’ll be a rich lawyer making money while I stay at home and take care of our children. We’ll all be happy together. MICHAEL (Under his breath.) I didn’t think the American Dream would be so horrible.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
43.
STACY What was that dear? MICHAEL Um! I said I didn’t think the American Dream would be so wonderful! STACY Exactly! FOREVER.
Oh Michael, we will be happy together,
MICHAEL Um Stacy, could you go get a newspaper for me? STACY Why?
I don’t want to leave you.
MICHAEL If you do, I’ll get you a nice car? STACY A convertible?! MICHAEL Sure, now get the paper honey. STACY (Smiles and excited.
Skips offstage.)
Exeunt Stacy. MICHAEL (Paces back and forth. Extremely nervous.) Oh no! What do I do now? She’s gotten too obsessed with me! She wants a mansion, a yacht, a convertible, and seriously...SEVEN KIDS?! All I wanted was a date to the Harvard Ball and maybe a kiss goodnight. I didn’t ask for THIS?! This has completely gotten out of hand! (Beat.) Alright, how can I fix this problem. Should I tie her to a railroad? No, too messy. Maybe send her to the moon? Impossible. No person can get to the moon. Hmm...what would Elvis do...Jailhouse rock...got it. I could try to send her to jail! But how... STACY (Offstage:) Oh Michael dearest!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
44.
MICHAEL Oh no, she’s coming back! Enters Stacy, holding a newspaper. STACY Michael, what’s a... (Reading from the newspaper:) "Communist"? It says here that many actors are being collected by the U.S. government, but it doesn’t say why. MICHAEL (Gains a genius idea.) Stacy my dear...they are actually being rounded up so the country can give them a national award for bringing peace! STACY But I’ve been hearing about the Koreans and Russians. MICHAEL I can assure you that the Communists have brought that to an end. They are the peace makers of this world. Actually, Stacy...would you happen to be one? STACY I think I am!
I love world peace!
MICHAEL This is great! If you are one, shout it to the world, Stacy! Free for all to hear! STACY (Gradually getting louder, she steps forward with excitement.) I am...a Communist! I am a Communist! I am a Communist! MICHAEL (Edging away from her toward offstage.) This woman is a Communist! Exeunt Michael. [CUE POLICE SIRENS AND LIGHTS] STACY (Nervously and raising both arms toward the audience.) I...am a Communist? Lights fade out.
Exeunt Stacy.
45. [CUE WELL-KNOWN 50’S SONG UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN.] Scene 12 Lights fade in. next scene.
Jessica enters to introduce the
JESSICA That performance would’ve made McCarthy proud. If only she was wearing a red dress, she could be nicknamed, "The Red Scare"? (Cheesy wink.) Not funny? Didn’t think so. Anyways, let’s go check up on our 80’s couple. Lights fade out.
Exeunt Jessica. [CUE WELL-KNOWN 80’S SONG]
Lights fade in on Megan sitting in the same spot as Scene 5. Enter Chance. CHANCE (Sadly moves towards Megan. Stands next to her.) Hey toots. We have some things to talk about. MEGAN (Not moving away from her magazine.) You sure like to do that a lot, huh? CHANCE (Over-dramatically looking away.) Baby...I don’t know how to say this...and it really hurts me to say it... (Takes out his pocketbook, flips a few pages, and reads:) Megan...you’re the coolest, most beautiful, and funniest woman I have ever met... (Beat.) But...I’m a Scorpio and you’re a Libra and I don’t see a future with that. (Dramatically looks away.) MEGAN That reminds me, I should probably check my horoscope later. CHANCE (Confused, but then goes back to his book.) Um...I just discovered I have a mild form of epilepsy and you bring on attacks because you make me too excited to be around you. (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
46.
MEGAN You should probably go to the doctor then. CHANCE (Rises, frustrated. Straightens himself up and whispers to himself:) I might have to be a little harsher so she gets it... (Sits back down. Takes out his book and finds another line.) I have a pet dog. He kisses like you, his breath is like yours, and he plays like you. I love him dearly, but I wouldn’t want to marry him. Let’s part before this goes any further. MEGAN Well if you married your own dog that’d be wei-rrrr-d. CHANCE The mother ship has returned and I must leave. Pay no attention to my android double when you see it. MEGAN (Does the Star Trek sign.) Live long and prosper nerd. CHANCE (Gets up and utters:) Alright...no more holding back... (Sits back down and is ready.) Hey look at my horoscope!...A new love in your life...Well, gotta follow my guiding star... MEGAN Hey check mine too! CHANCE (Looks at her confused.) What? MEGAN Ohhh, nevermind. You’re TOO busy. (Goes back to her magazine.) CHANCE Roses are red, violets are blue. now so are YOU!
Garbage is dumped,
MEGAN Awww, that’s poetry.
How did you know I loved poetry?
CHANCE (Sulks shaking his head in disbelief. Takes another line from his book.) (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
47.
There’s been a death in the family and I can’t handle us being together anymore...my hamster will be buried tomorrow... MEGAN I told you that he was gonna die sooner or later. Just lazily sitting around eating all the time like that. CHANCE (Extremely upset.) I loved that hamster!! (Almost into tears.) MEGAN Well you both had a lot in common... CHANCE What’s that suppose to mean? MEGAN Yeah...back to my stories. CHANCE (Stares in frustration.) I can’t believe this... (Gets up. Becomes very serious.) It comes down to this...I’ve never used this line in a long time, but it’s time to use it. It’s the most powerful line ever, one of which has gotten me out of hundreds of relationships...well more like three...it’s been a bad year. I’m sure it’ll work. (Dramatically pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket and dramatically holds it up. Looks over towards Megan and then slowly moves back to sit down.) Sorry...I just never realized how ugly you are. MEGAN (Violently offended.) What is THAT suppose to mean?! CHANCE (Awkwardly smiles.) Hi. MEGAN Don’t hi me! (Smacks him.) Do you know what?! You’re a loser! CHANCE (The smack sends to the ground screaming.) (MORE) (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
48.
CHANCE (cont’d) Ahhhh!!!!!
My face!!!
MEGAN Pathetic moron!! Why don’t you just go away and never talk to me every again! (Smacks him again as he rises.) CHANCE (Clutching to his face.) It hurts!!! Ahhh!!! MEGAN I hope your face hurts forever!!
And you’re gut too!
CHANCE What?! MEGAN (Kicks him in the gut and storms off.) Loser! Exeunt Megan. CHANCE (In pain and a fetal groaning in pain for slowly rises up onto few breaths and then Works every time. Lights fade out.
position. After a few long seconds, the bench. Takes a smiles.)
Exeunt Chance.
[CUE WELL-KNOWN 80’S SONG UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN] Scene 13 Lights fade in. next scene.
Jessica enters to introduce the
JESSICA I’ll assume she will never want to see him again. That act of forming such great, smooth-flowing words was incredibly fantastic! He’s as smooth as---I’ll spare you the witty puns after that display of UN-affection. I know. I’m hilarious. (Laugh, but then sigh.) Now let’s take a look at our couple from the present, and see how our Dave can knock some sense into Amanda! Lights fade out.
Exeunt Jessica. [CUE MODERN SONG] (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
49.
Lights fade in on Amanda still on the phone. AMANDA (To her phone:) Gosh! (Beat.) No he didn’t! (Girly scream.) He took you to a movie?! That’s super sweet! If you ask me, he likes your perfect match! (Beat.) You think you’re in love? When did you meet him?! (Beat.) Yesterday? Oh. Well that’s long enough then. But that’s so cute! Dave never takes me anywhere. It’s like he doesn’t care. (Beat.) Yeah, sometimes I wonder what he thinks about, but you know how guys are, all they care about is fart jokes and burping contests. (Beat.) (Annoying laugh) Oh Becky! That is so mean. But so funny! Oh.
My.
Enters Dave. DAVE (In dismay:) Amanda...we need to talk. issues-
We’ve been having some
AMANDA (Holds up her hand to gesture him to be quiet. Then points to her phone and continues talking:) Yeah I know Becky! Boys are very dumb. Like who needs them anyways? All they do is just smell bad and raid your fridge. DAVE (Overhears:) I’ve NEVER done that...fine it was one time, but that’s besides the point! AMANDA (Covers the mouthpiece. To Dave:) Dave, I’m on the phone. (Returns to the phone conversation.) DAVE (Frustrated) You’re ALWAYS on the phone! Every second of every minute of every hour of every day, that phone is next to your ear! When you’re in the shower, when you sleep, and even when you’re eating heavily-sauced hotwings...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
50.
AMANDA (To the phone:) We so need to go to the mall later today! (Beat.) I know, and then we can go to that new store, try on dresses, and get double frap moo lattes! DAVE (Confused at "double frap moo lattes".) AMANDA (To the phone:) Then...(Beat.) SHOE SHOPPING! (Excited scream.) DAVE Can you even hear me? AMANDA (To the phone:) Yeah I remember when we went to Hollister? (Beat.) You thought that guy was hot? Omg...you are such a flirt! (Whispers:) But it’s okay...I thought he was hot too. (Beat.) I know! His muscles were just so well-toned. DAVE (Even more frustrated.) I can’t believe I’m hearing this. can hear you right?
You do know that I
AMANDA (To Dave:) Dave, I’m in the middle of a conversation, stop being so rude. (Back to her phone:) Sorry. (Beat.) No, it wasn’t anything special, just my boyfriend. Have you ever noticed that Dave has like no muscles? (Beat.) Yeah, not like that one cute guy. DAVE Yeah, I’m just your boyfriend. The guy you are DATING! You know, the guy who takes you on DATES?! AMANDA (To her phone:) I’m hungry. Let’s go out to lunch! (Beat.) I don’t know where to go. Where do you want to go? (Beat.) No you decide! (Beat.) I decided last time! It’s your turn! (Beat.) Fine. I’ll decide. DAVE (Getting more and more frustrated.)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
51.
AMANDA (To her phone:) I’m in the mood for...Chinese? (Beat.) Chinese it is! DAVE You’re always like this! You never listen to me! You spend more time on that stupid phone than with me! AMANDA (To her phone:) Did you know that Dave sometimes gets jealous that I talk on the phone more than to him? (Beat.) I know! How dumb is he? I mean like I could date a phone. DAVE I...never felt that, I just wantedAMANDA (To her phone:) What? What’s that whiny sound on my side of the phone? (Beat.) I have no idea. Probably just static. DAVE (Extremely upset.) That’s it!
There.
(Grabbing the phone, he throws it at the ground and stomps on it a few times out of pure rage. She stares shocked as he calms.) Now you will finally be able to hear me...
AMANDA (Shocked at first. Both look down at the phone in sync, and then back up to each others eyes. She smiles and simply pulls out another phone, dials, and to her phone:) Oh hey! (Beat.) What happened? Oh, Dave just threw my other phone on the ground. (Beat.) Yeah it’s funny how he always wants attention. DAVE (Angry.) You got to be kidding me! How can I get a hold of a girl who only spends time on a phone?! (Beat.) (An obvious idea springs to his mind.) Duh. AMANDA (Holding a conversation about anything insignificant.)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
52.
DAVE (Takes out his phone and dials.) [CUE CELL PHONE RING: A RIDICULOUS RINGTONE] AMANDA (To her phone:) Hold on, I have another call on the other line. (Pulls her phone away, presses a button to answer. Positively.) Hello? DAVE (Happy.) Hey babe! AMANDA (Happier.) Hey Dave! DAVE (Even Happier.) Guess what?! AMANDA (Extremely Happy.) What?! DAVE (Monotone.) Yeah, I’m breaking up with you. (Hangs up the phone and walks off stage in a happy-go-lucky fashion.) Exeunt Dave. AMANDA (Stands motionless for a few seconds as her smile slowly falls. Quickly dials her phone. To her phone and almost in tears.) Becky! You won’t guess what just happened! (Beat.) No, I didn’t step on the scale, Dave just broke up with me! (Beat.) I know! Dave is a big loser! Lights fade off.
Exeunt Amanda.
[CUE MODERN SONG UNTIL LIGHTS FADE IN]
53.
Scene 14 Lights fade in. next scene.
Jessica enters to introduce the
JESSICA Such amazing communication skills. How he was so direct and assertive... (Daydreams.) Anyways, Amanda should have tons to talk about. (Downhill.) All alone! Now let’s check our final couple of the future! (Dramatic pose. Sigh.) They don’t pay me enough for this. Lights fade out.
Exeunt Jessica. [CUE FUTURISTIC SOUNDS]
Lights fade in. Future Guy stumbles onto his knees as if previously running in fear. FUTURE GUY (Out of breath.) So...many...shopping bags...can’t handle it anymore. Need to...escape. But where do I go? (Gets up and quickly looks for a way to escape but finds nothing.) What do I do? (Becomes teary.) What can I do? I don’t want to do this anymore. (Alert.) She’s going to be here any minute...how do I escape thisFUTURE GIRL Boyfriend!
(Offstage and sincerely:) Where are you?
FUTURE GUY (Scared for his life. High-pitch screams:) Ahhh!! This is bad. This is bad. Wait. Maybe I can jump out the windows! (Runs off one side of the stage and returns shortly after.) Forgot we are ten stories off the ground... I got it! The toilet! (Runs off stage.) [CUE TOILET FLUSH SOUND] (Returns with head soaked.) (MORE) (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
54.
FUTURE GUY (cont’d) That did not work out as planned... FUTURE GIRL Boyfriend!
(Offstage and slightly furious:) Where are you?!
FUTURE GUY (Scared.) She’s coming! (Attempting to calm himself with confidence.) Alright...I can do this. I’m bigger, stronger, and more smart than her...I can do this. I am...the man! Oh no!
FUTURE GIRL (Offstage:) There you are! FUTURE GUY (Starts crying and goes into a fetal position.) I’m going to die... Enters Future Girl. FUTURE GIRL I told you specifically to carry my 127 shopping bags, try on 50 outfits, try on 63 perfumes, and then give me your opinions on 171 pairs of shoes, is that so much to ask? (Beat.) What do you think? Oh wait, silly me, I forgot. You’re a man and can’t think. My mistake. (Laugh.) I am not happy with you though. A good boyfriend doesn’t run off while I am shopping. FUTURE GUY (Weakly.) But ma’am, it was just too much to manage... FUTURE GIRL Oh really? You think your life is so difficult? I come from a spa, working four hours, long hours, on my pores and rejuvenation. I spend an hour on getting my nails painted and manicured. I have to constantly call my friends while comparing dresses to wear. And to make it even worse, I’ve only had one frappacino today. Only one! Most women get at least two, but I only get one. Think your life is so difficult? Ha, what a joke.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
55.
FUTURE GUY I understand that it is a difficult task ma’am, but don’t you think...that my work may be a little more...tedious? FUTURE GIRL Pathetic. Something that is incapible of thought is going to tell me how to not only think but tell me that my daily schedule is not difficult?! (Becoming frustrated.) I only get 14 hours a day. 10 hours of sleep a day, mind you...well actually 2 hours are spent in the bathroom in the morning, but that is besides the point! I work really hard ordering my products; watching my soap operas; and doing my hair. And what do you do? Yard and housework? You will never understand the value of hard work. FUTURE GUY (Weakly.) But ma’am... FUTURE GIRL (Calming.) Oh! You still have something to say? humor you. What is it?
Alright, I’ll
FUTURE GUY It’s just...I’ve worked almost every second for the past three months and I’m trying to meet your standards, but it is very difficult someFUTURE GIRL (Walks away and laughs.) He says he’s trying to meet my standards. Funny, because no man can accomplish such a task. Pathetic for him to think he can. FUTURE GUY (Under his breath:) Geez...can you please any woman? FUTURE GIRL (Overhearing:) Did you just say what I think you just said? FUTURE GUY (Afraid.) I said nothing ma’am! FUTURE GIRL (Getting furious.) No I heard what you said!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
56.
FUTURE GUY No ma’am!
I didn’t mean it!
FUTURE GIRL I can’t believe that I’ve been living with such a selfish, undependable traitor! That’s it! I’m going to call the Prada Police and report you for your rebellious behavior! FUTURE GUY No ma’am!
(Ultimately afraid.) Anything but that!
FUTURE GIRL Yes!! And do you understand what that means?! You will spend the next 25 years in rehabilitation...forced to watch reruns of women talk shows to wipe all oppression from your mind. And then you will be sent to the rock pits...where you will spend day after day, hour after hour, second after grueling second, smashing rocks for our saunas! FUTURE GUY (Crawls to her feet; begging and crying.) No ma’am! Anything but that! Please don’t send me! Exeunt Future Girl. (Kneels in desperation.) What happened to the days of childhood...I miss those fences of safety. I miss not having to worry about what she wants. It’s always what she wants...and now all that work...none of it matters. I’m going to be tortured...brainwashed in prison...for 25 years... (Realizes the situation fully.) 25 years! I can’t be locked away for 25 years! I have to do something...but what can I do? What should I do? (Gaining confidence.) I have to do something. No longer can I stand for these demeaning acts. No longer can I listen to her demands. It is time to make a change. To make a revolution. Lights center on Future Guy. (Looks up to the sky.) Please...if there is a male god...give me strength. They have oppressed us for too long and I can no longer tolerate it. Please...give me a sign if you will support my revolution... Lights fade back to normal. back onstage.
Future Girl walks
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
57.
FUTURE GIRL (Still furious.) I would’ve called the police...but there was a spider on the phone and I didn’t want to touch it. But you hear me now! Once that icky spider goes away! You are so going to be sent to prison! FUTURE GUY (Looks up to the sky and whispers:) Thank you. FUTURE GIRL What did you say?!
Watch your-
FUTURE GIRL No!! (Rising to his feet, strong and firm.) I have sat back and have done every single request to satisfy every one of your whims. I have spent countless hours performing the most laborious tasks, but no longer...No longer will I stand with this oppression! No longer will I stand to this tyranny and do your yard work, listen to your exaggerated problems, and take out your garbage! It is over, the age of women! You all will fall under my rebellion...our rebellion! This will be the age of man! (Rushes offstage.) FUTURE GIRL (In complete shock.) What?! What are you doing?! Hey! (Beat.) No, not the time machine!!
Don’t touch that!!
Lights change into many different colors and after sounds fade back to normal. [CUE FUTURISTIC MACHINE SOUNDS] ALL MALE ACTORS (Offstage:) Where are we?! What is this place?! Oog!! FUTURE GUY (Offstage:) Welcome to the great rebellion!
Follow me!
FUTURE GIRL Rebellion!
(Afraid for her life.) No! (Runs in opposite direction offstage, screaming.)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
58. Exeunt Future Girl. Enters Future Guy along with all other male actors along with a few more male actors dressed up in different time periods. They are standing in what seems to be a football huddle.
FUTURE GUY (Leading and extremely full of adrenaline.) Alright, listen men, we are at war with the female race! That’s why I need you to help out as much as you can to stop their rule! This is the plan! You! (To Dave:) Go free our brethren at the prisons! DAVE Got it, dude!
This is going to be so awesome!
FUTURE GUY (To Chance:) You go collect more men locked up in the other homes! CHANCE Alright!
Let’s take them out!!!
(Beats.)
On dates!
FUTURE GUY (To Michael:) You attack the spas! Catch them off guard! all their hot tubs! MICHAEL I will be right on it!
Destroy
Down with Communism!
FUTURE GUY (To Perus:) You, do what ever you can to take down their holy grounds! Destroy the Central Mall until every store is burning! PERUS (Extremely full of testosterone.) For Rooooooooomeee!!! FUTURE GUY Alright then. (To Caveman:) And Caveman! Just go around and break everything you can! CAVEMAN (Smashes his club repeatedly at the ground while making energetic angry grunts.)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
59.
FUTURE GUY Alright!
(Full of adreniline.) Ready men?!
ALL OTHER MALE ACTORS (Cheer loudly) FUTURE GUY (Screams loudly) Rebellion!!! All rush across the stage in a mob fashion cheering and shouting. The Caveman staggers behind. Exeunt all male actors except Caveman. CAVEMAN (Just as he exits, he turns to other side near time machine. Runs back.) Caveman exits where he first came in. Cue multi-colored lights. [CUE FUTURISTIC MACHINE SOUNDS] Caveman returns back onto stage as the lights fade back to normal and sounds are finished. CAVEMAN (Stumbles back across the stage and just as he exits, he whistles.) [CUE VICIOUS DINOSAUR SOUND] Exeunt Caveman.
Lights fade out. Scene 15
Lights fade in on Jessica. [CUE COMMERCIAL SONG] JESSICA Wow! That was exciting! Now that you’ve seen a few clips from our amazing video, you’re probably thinking: "Hey, I just saw some amazing examples, why should I buy this?" Well here is why! Our clips today are only mere samples of what this amazing video holds! Our video also covers many more eras to learn from such as: The Greeks, Medieval times, the Renaissance, Pirates, African tribes, ninjas, hippies, and even Martians! And it can be all yours for five low payments of(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
60.
(Cough:) $21.95... (Quickly changing the subject.) This video will do wonders for anyone who is simply trying to cure their chronic dating lameness! You will learn many techniques to woo that special someone. (Beat.) And even better! Need a little help along with the videos? We will also include various products used in the clips for an extra $50! These include: A caveman club to show your tough side; fake, bronze armor to create that bad boy look; a book named: "How to frame a person as a Communist"; your own book of amazing pickup lines; and a fake cell phone! Time machines sold separately. Just ask for LOL’s video special package for further details on those products. (Beat.) To order, just call 1-800-LUV-CURE, that’s 1-800-LUV-CURE. (Beat.) Now, to prove that our product genuinely works, we bound and tied up Nerdy, locking him into a small room to watch the video. And boy was it hard to put him into a dark room by himself. Ironic right? Thought he would be use to that by now. Now let’s check on him. (Shouting offstage:) Nerdy! Where are you?! (To audience and slightly robotic:) Caution: Not all cases can be cured. If your situation happens to be much more complicated, possibly consult with your doctor or psychiatrist, after ordering our product, before using it. Possible side effects are: Envy from your lack of friends, attention from women, unwanted attention from women, and a sense of accomplishment. If your case is not cured, LOL is not responsible for any traumatic damages and will not refund your money. Also we will[CUE ROMANTIC MUSIC] Enter Nevil as a very attractive man, his entire persona almost changed. JESSICA (Is at a lost for words, almost stuttering.) Uh-uh-Nev-Nevil? NEVIL (Very smooth.) Hey. And call me Nev. I just got back from wrestling a bear.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
61.
JESSICA (Flirty.) Wow...you must be pretty strong. NEVIL Yeah whatever, want to ditch this place and go somewhere to eat? JESSICA Right now?
Right now with me?
NEVIL (Uncaring.) If you don’t answer, I’ll just go find another chick to go withJESSICA No!
No!
I can go! (She links to one of his arms.)
NEVIL Cool.
We’ll take my BMW. (They take a few steps.) But watch out, the seats are a little wet. I just rescued an old lady from drowning after wrestling with the bear. JESSICA I’ll bring a towel. NEVIL Alright then.
Are we all set here?
JESSICA Yes! See?
(Holds him close. To the audience:) I told you...this video can make miracles happen. (She smiles to him.)
NEVIL (Smoothly smiles. The audience:) Like Chance would say, "don’t hate the players...hate The Game". [CUE ENDING SONG] Lights fade out.
Exeunt Jessica and Nevil.
62.
END OF PLAY