Words of Wisdom from the Therapy Room

From stress to anxiety, bereavement to body image problems, we all face different challenges in our lives. And, although it can be difficult, talking about what you’re dealing with is one of the best ways to open yourself up to a wealth of support. The proverbial saying, ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ might not be strictly true, but it can certainly help to lighten the load for you. Remember, no matter how you’re feeling, you are worthy of help. Here, we offer some words of wisdom about seven common mental health issues.

IF ANXIETY IS GETTING IN THE WAY OF YOU LIVING YOUR LIFE

Feeling anxious from time to time is normal. It’s a sign that you’re human, and are pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. There is a difference though, between the feeling of butterflies and something more sinister. Person-centred counsellor, Andy Kidd, explains how to work out what is causing you to feel this way. “It’s important to break down what you’re anxious about. Be specific. Defining problems helps to find solutions. When you are feeling anxious, what are you paying attention to? What scares you most about it? Why?” Once you’ve determined the cause of your anxiety, the next step is to tackle it head-on. “Anxiety screams ‘Avoid!’, often leading us to assume the worst. But one useful tip is to voluntarily face challenges, rather than bracing for disaster,” says Andy. “The trick is to hear what your anxiety is telling you, then tell it something back. Therapy, particularly assertiveness training, can teach your anxiety that you’re more capable and braver than you thought.”

IF STRESS IS OVERWHELMING YOU

Although stress isn’t an illness in itself, it can affect us in many ways. From sleeping problems to loss of appetite, or sweating, many physical symptoms can occur when we’re feeling overwhelmed.

“Stress is the body’s natural defence mechanism against perceived dangers,” says counsellor Carole Brooks. “But, unlike our stone-age ancestors who could fight in the face of danger (reducing harmful hormones), we can’t do this with today’s stressors.” For this reason, Carole explains learning to control our response to stress is imperative. For some, this can mean making some ‘metime’, exercising, or mindfulness. For others, it’s not as simple. If you’ve been feeling stressed for a prolonged period, consider what changes you could make to your life. If your stress is work-related, it might be beneficial to speak to your manager, or even seek a new job if you’re able to.

The trick is to hear what your anxiety is telling you, then tell it something back

IF FOOD AND BODY IMAGE ISSUES ARE TAKING OVER

Dieting can keep us locked in a cycle of deprivation, bingeing, and feeling guilty, but finding a way to break free and stop dieting isn’t always straight-forward. It can feel scary at first but, in the long-term, it will help to improve your relationship with food, putting you back in control. Counsellor Kerry Trevethick, whose passion is helping people overcome food and body image issues, says food itself is rarely the root of the problem. “Working on what you are feeling and thinking can help your relationship with food and your body,” she says. “If your body image is stopping you from doing things, ask yourself: ‘Is it my body that’s the problem here, or is it how I’m thinking about my body that is holding me back?’” If you’re struggling with body image issues, body confidence might feel like an unrealistic goal. Perhaps a better aim is body neutrality – not thinking about your looks as an important part of who you are.

IF YOU’VE EXPERIENCED LOSS RECENTLY

Losing people we love is part of life, but that doesn’t make it any easier to process. Leah O’Shaughnessy, who specialises in bereavement counselling, offers some comforting words. “Feeling your emotions rather than suppressing them will help it to pass. Grief isn’t something that goes away, but the raw pain does lessen. In time, we learn to live our lives around it. Accepting this is an important part of dealing with a bereavement.” Someone once said to me: “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” It’s something that’s helped me through moments of sadness in my life, but it’s not always easy to smile. This is where extra support, particularly bereavement counselling, can be helpful. “Coping with a bereavement can be very distressing. Sometimes the support of a counsellor is needed to help you through it. They will help you recognise that each stage of grief (shock, anger, bargaining, sadness and acceptance) is completely normal, as is moving in and out of grief stages, rather than following a linear pattern,” says Leah.

IF YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST

Often, narcissism is mistaken as an obsession with a person’s appearance. However, there is more to it, as psychotherapist Anne Glynn explains. “Narcissism is usually the result of an upbringing where the person was loved only if they conformed to certain expectations. So, while they may appear confident and even conceited, this veneer covers a flimsy, depleted inner self.” As a result, narcissistic partners can be very challenging. Anne says there are several behaviours you can look for if you think your partner may be a narcissist.

“They may use various defences to protect against the shame of exposure: contempt for others, entitlement, grandiosity, blaming, boasting, idealisation of you and others, followed by denigration. “It’s a sad, anxious existence for the narcissist,” says Anne. “Narcissists deserve understanding, but they can be draining and destructive.” For this reason, advice for partners of narcissists is usually to leave the relationship. However, this is often easier said than done – the love you once felt for this person can be a pull to keep you together. If this is the case, seeking professional support may be a good option. “A narcissist doesn’t change easily, and although they seldom engage in therapy, this could provide a lifeline for you.”

IF YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT A LOVED ONE’S DRINKING

If a loved one’s drinking is affecting you, it can be a difficult and challenging time. Bear in mind, for them to make the necessary changes, the choice to do so ultimately remains with them – but there are things you can do to help. Humanistic counsellor, Mark Thresh, says a good place to start is to find out how they feel about their drinking. “If they’ve been thinking about making changes, they may

feel relieved to talk about how they are feeling, and might welcome your support. Prepare before you talk, as this will help you to avoid getting emotional, angry or saying something you might later regret. “Talking with them when they are in a good mood and haven’t been drinking is always a good approach, and never when they may be hungover. It’s always wise to try to avoid accusations and blame. Your loved one may already be feeling low, upset or anxious about their drinking, and may become defensive if they feel under attack.”

IF YOU’RE STRUGGLING TO MAKE TIME FOR SELF-CARE

“Selfcare is an important aspect of our lives, yet we tend to leave it until last on our to-do list,” counsellor and self-care specialist, Karin Brauner, explains. Making time to look after ourselves is very important in managing our overall health – mentally and physically. So, how can we make time? According to Karin, one of the most powerful techniques she uses with her clients is helping them set boundaries. Here, she provides some tips to help set clear boundaries for self-care. “Stick to what works for you. Boundaries are there to keep you safe; you set a certain boundary for a reason, so keep it in place no matter what,” Karin says. “Listen to your body when it says you need more rest, or your thoughts saying, ‘This is an uncomfortable situation, you need to leave now.’ This will help you practise self-care better, and live a more fulfilling life.”

If an aspect of your life is affecting your wellbeing, help is at hand. Visit counselling-directory.org.uk for a wealth of free resources, or to find a counsellor in your local area.