What a Time To Be Yourself

Award-winning blogger and author of What a Time to Be Alone: The Slumflower’s Guide to Why You Are Already Enough, Chidera Eggerue is a modern-day philosopher and self-help advocate.

Known as The Slumflower to her more than 220,000 social media followers, the Peckham native has inspired women around the globe to recognise their self-worth, avoid toxic relationships, and promotes the power of minding your own business (‘it’s the new black’).

Chidera strode into the studio for her Happiful cover shoot braless and cheerful. What followed was an inspiring conversation about being uncompromisingly true to yourself, what it really is to ‘choose yourself’, and why #saggyboobsmatter

You can never be too proud of yourself. Anybody who tries to make you feel embarrassed for being proud of yourself wants you to be smaller. You should never shrink yourself for anybody,” says Chidera Eggerue.

“Whether you’re conscious of it or not, your light is so bright and it should not be dimmed at all – because you deserve that,” she adds matter-offactly. “In a world that tells you that you don’t even deserve to be here, in a world that tells you that you’re deserving of love only if you meet certain conditions, absolutely take up as much space as you want to, be as loud as you want to, because nobody’s going to protect you like you can protect yourself.”

These aren’t just words the Pecknam native has rehearsed; meet the What a Time to Be Alone author in person and it becomes immediately apparent that there’s something about her. And that something is that she is boldly and unapologetically herself – and she wants you to be boldly you, too.

A common theme throughout Chidera’s book and blog is “choose yourself ” – a statement that seems equal parts common sense and impossible. I think back to a page in What a Time to Be Alone that put a lump in my throat, and, as I read it back to her now, and tell her how much her words touched me, I feel that lump coming back again. It reads both simply and powerfully: “Choose yourself. Over and over again. Even when you’ve let yourself down. Choose yourself. Even when it feels uncomfortable. Choose yourself. Even when you’re tired. Choose yourself.”

I quickly explain away the feeling – I wasn’t expecting to be affected by those words so much – but Chidera is genuinely touched and thanks me for it. I have to ask her: Why does the concept of choosing yourself feel so intimidating? “When people are told to choose themselves, they often feel quite scared by that idea, because choosing yourself often means disappointing other people,” Chidera muses. “You learn in life that if you want to get far, you’re going to have to disappoint people – especially people that you love.”

All you can do is try to be the healthy version of yourself, and surround yourself with people who will bring out the best in you

Evolving into a newer version of yourself comes from deciding that you’re worth the effort you’re going to put into yourself, and to Chidera, that’s definitely something worth celebrating. However, she recognises that becoming a healthier version of ourselves can be difficult, with the risk that we may leave people behind. And it involves a lot of accountability. “It involves you visiting situations where you believed you were right, realising you were wrong, and having to reckon with that,” she says. “Some people just aren’t ready for that work – it’s exhausting, and heartbreaking. But all you can do is try to be the healthy version of yourself, and surround yourself with people who will bring out the best in you.”

Reading this, I’m sure there are friends and loved ones who immediately come to mind; those people who always leave you feeling better than before you spoke. Then, there are others – people who exhaust you and leave you feeling worse about yourself. It’s an uncomfortable thought. But, if it’s at the cost of your own happiness, it’s a feeling that may be worth examining. Once you’ve made that decision to better yourself, often the hardest part can be keeping that momentum for change. Chidera’s advice? “Wake up every day with the intention that your role is to just be better than yesterday. You have to believe you are deserving of that love from yourself. Every single choice you’re making right now is leading you closer to the person deep down that you want to be.” Part of Chidera’s own work on herself recently includes going to therapy, something that she says helps her to feel seen. “If you’re in a position where you can afford a monthly Spotify membership, you can get your nails done, buy a new pair of trainers, then I think you can afford to put aside money and invest in therapy. Everyone deserves therapy, and I think it’s important that we put that work into ourselves,” she says.

In a world that tells you that you don’t even deserve to be here, in a world that tells you that you’re deserving of love only if you meet certain conditions, absolutely take up as much space as you want to

“Therapy definitely helps me, but it’s not there to fix you; it’s there to hold a mirror in front of you, and it’s up to you to decide what to do with what you see.”

For some people, counselling is an expense their bank balance just can’t stretch to. Recognising this, Chidera says there are a lot of ways to help yourself for free, like giving yourself more room to sit with your emotions. Even just going online you can find support networks and advice.

In her continuing efforts to address her own needs, Chidera’s priority with her mental health is focusing less on being liked and more on understanding herself – something many of us strive for, but find difficult to do. Yet when people put you down, Chidera has an interesting perspective: “You’re never a reflection of how someone views you. People view you according to what the world around them looks like. And that is shaped by their experiences and how they’ve learnt to deal with them.” Not everyone can recognise their own behaviours though, let alone break out of negative ones. But Chidera is firm in her belief that it’s not our job to try to change anyone else – a lesson many of us still need to learn. “Every single person who wants change has to want that change from the core. You can’t spend your time trying to convince someone that they need to be a better person. All you need to spend your time doing is implementing boundaries that will protect you from people who impose themselves on you.”

You have to believe you are deserving of that love from yourself. Every single choice you’re making right now is leading you closer to the person deep down that you want to be

The thing about boundaries is they can be a really hard thing to set, especially with those closest to us. But Chidera emphasises that they are not about building a barrier to keep people out, but rather they are the key to maintaining healthy relationships.

“You can’t protect yourself without implementing certain cautionary measures. Every single person in your life needs to have a boundary, because love in itself needs conditions. Everything needs conditions for it to be healthy, and to serve both parties in a balanced way.”

Speaking with Chidera, I’m amazed by the deep insight she has about herself and the people around her. But I also wonder what motivates a person to not only dig that deep, but to then have such a drive to share it with the world. “I want as many people as possible to understand that how they feel, however wild that feeling is, they’re not crazy and they’re not alone,” she explains. “I think the more you come across people who feel as chaotic as you do, or as lost, or as misunderstood as you do, the more comfort you will find existing in this world. So I guess my aim is to provide people with comfort.”

To fulfil this mission, Chidera is determined to not just lead by example, but to live by example. She believes nobody should have to fight to be loved, and her aim isto help people “understand that you can’t change your past, but you have a whole future ahead of you that you’re curating right now”. Speaking with someone who holds such strong self-belief and purpose, I’m fascinated to hear where she gets that inspiration from, and who she looks up to. Without hesitation, Chidera exclaims, “Munroe Bergdorf [British trans activist and model] – I love her! She moves with tenacity and boldness, and never allows the world to tell her when to stop talking. She decides when everyone’s done. I love

that about her, and I hope to be able to embody that kind of spirit.” As I sit nodding enthusiastically, I can’t help but clearly see those same qualities in Chidera, and wonder if she sees them too? However, as a child, Chidera felt her emotions weren’t listened to, and it was a scenario she saw play out again as an adult – constantly fighting to be seen by people who said they cared about her. She realised that she was responsible for letting this dysfunctional sequence carry on or not, and just because someone else doesn’t recognise her feelings, doesn’t mean they’re not valid. In acknowledging her own selfworth, Chidera has been able to foster much healthier relationships. She says: “Remembering that the child in me always deserves to be seen and heard is what motivates me to constantly choose to be myself in a world that tells me otherwise.” And when talking about Chidera choosing herself and her passions, one thing you can’t help but bring up is boobs. For those who are just discovering this inspirational woman, Chidera is the mind behind the trending movement #saggyboobsmatter, which encourages women, regardless of the size or shape of their breasts, to go without a bra if they want. Having spent time in her teenage years picking apart her body, Chidera was intent on getting a boob job as soon as she turned 18. Eventually she decided to leave her boobs in their natural state, but in true Chidera fashion, she didn’t stop there; she created a movement. The aim of #saggyboobsmatter is to empower women not to be ashamed if they don’t have “perfect”, perky boobs, and to love their bodies as they are.

The more you come across people who feel as chaotic as you do, or as lost, or as misunderstood as you do, the more comfort you will find existing in this world

Since last summer, women from all over the world have shared their braless pictures using her hashtag, with one posting – to Chidera’s delight – “I haven’t worn a bra since @theslumflower said it’s OK not to.” But what are her plans for the future? “The boobs are definitely still saggy. But what I intend to do with them, well to do with the conversation [laughs], is to make it as mainstream as possible. I don’t want anyone to feel ashamed if they’re not part of the conversation, but I want to challenge the idea that having saggy boobs makes you less deserving of love.” Chidera is all about challenging issues – whether it’s women’s relationships with their boobs, or the people in their lives – and all it takes is a look at her social media accounts to see how many people she has positively affected. Chidera is a voice telling women it’s OK to have saggy boobs, and it’s OK to cut toxic people from your life. I can’t help but wonder if she considers herself a feminist? “Feminism for me is remembering that I have agency. I have autonomy, and I decide what my life looks like. I don’t have to seek permission from anybody to show up in my entirety. For me, it looks like living life on my terms. My feminism is all about me protecting myself in a world that is never going to do that for me.” This is a message that is important to Chidera – so much so that her second book in 2018, Scribble Yourself Feminist, is all about introducing the concept of feminism to young thinkers. The book aims to be similar to What a Time to Be Alone, but for a younger audience. “Feminism is a human rights issue, and kids deserve to be involved in that conversation. So through discussing that in the most fun and light-hearted way, the aim is to give an insight into a world where you’re allowed to say no, and you’re allowed to ask adults why.” With the photoshoot about to begin, I can’t help but think how much the world needs Chidera – a bright, positive woman who champions the best in all of us. From speaking to her, I wouldn’t want her to be anyone other than her authentic self, and it’s easy to see that’s what she wants for us, too. “I want everyone to understand that you can have a happy ending, and that the happy ending is not necessarily a place; it’s you reaching a state of mind where you understand that you have so much value. People will always decide whether you’re a good or bad person according to their own value system, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to influence that decision. All you can do is be yourself.” As Chidera changes into the bold, turquoise trousers for the first of our photoshoot looks, and poses up a storm in front of the lens as Tina Turner sings out in the background, it’s clear that along with her selfbelief, Chidera’s personality is larger than life. It’s hard to imagine anyone trying to “shrink her”. It’s an image I wish all women could embody – imagine what we could accomplish if we stopped dimming our lights and realised we are in charge of our own self-worth. If we chose ourselves. Over and over again. Even when we’ve let ourselves down. Even when it feels uncomfortable. Even when we’re tired. Choose yourself.

Chidera’s second book, ‘Scribble Yourself Feminist’ (Penguin, £7.99) is out now. Follow her on Instagram @theslumflower and join the movement using #saggyboobsmatter