The
HIJACKED LIFE A S N E A K P E E K A T K A Y W Y M A’ S L A T E S T B O O K
SPECIAL EDITION
The Hallmarks of
OCD (Obsessive Comparison Disorder)
In the News: A Major Comparison Epidemic
How to Stop the Joy Thief
From Our Sponsor:
Coming to book stores May 5th! Kay Wyma tackles comparison-living. Tired of performing? Feeling weighed down by the pressure to be Pinteresting? Does your friend’s wardrobe, body, marriage, paycheck, vacation plans, or photoshoot-worthy home décor leave you wishing your life looked more like that?
You’re not alone. What people are saying about
I’m Happy For You (sort of…not really): Kay Wyma hit a home run on the Focus on the Family radio program when she talked about ways moms can combat the entitlement mentality in their kids. In her new book, she scores another hit with an insightful discussion of the pitfalls of comparing your life to others, especially through social media. Her advice is timely and relevant. —Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family
It’ll make you laugh out loud and nod your head and breathe a deep sigh of relief that you’re not the only one walking through life wondering if the grass is really greener and being okay even if that’s the case. —Melanie Shankle, New York Times Bestselling author of Sparkly Green Earrings
Victims of comparison drive-bys litter the Internet. There are virtual warehouses of new ways to covet your neighbor’s home, decorating skills, summer vacation plans or Pinterest-perfect kids’ birthday parties. In this paralyzing culture of obsessive comparisons, this book is the detox we all need. —Lisa-Jo Baker, community manager for (in)courage and author of Surprised by Motherhood: Everything I Never E pected About Being a Mom Come join others who are tired - and let’s choose contentment together. Available in bookstores everywhere May 5th or online for pre-order TODAY!
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CONTENTS 3
6
2
A Note from Kay
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In the News:
A Major
Comparison
Epidemic
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11
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The Hallmarks of OCD
(Obsessive Comparison Disorder)
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How to Stop
the Joy Thief
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Take action against
comparison living!
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I hope you enjoy the following preview of I’m Happy For You (Sort of … not really): Finding Contentment in a Culture of Comparison. It has been quite the journey trying to get my arms around a topic that we all want addressed, but don’t really want to see in our own lives. Comparison pressures pummeled me the day a positive sign appeared on a pregnancy test. Words like supposed-to, should, thisis-what-everyone’s-doing and so many others began to tempt my eyes to focus on all I needed to be, have and do in order to be okay. I was introduced to standards that changed the instant I came close to meeting them. And the worst part? I cared. I cared more than I ever had cared about anything before because it involved my kids. Discontent came along for the ride. With my eyes now open, I could see comparison’s fingerprints in countless other areas. Regardless the walk of life—young, old, single, married, with or without kids—discontent has no partiality. We’re all in this together. So, let’s travel the road toward finding more joy and satisfaction in the mix.
—Kay
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In The News: A Major Comparison Epidemic (Hint: No one is immune) …on Social Media
Too much Facebook leads to envy and depression by Cara Reedy A recent study conducted by researchers at Nanyang Technological University, Bradley University and the University of Missouri Columbia found that heavy Facebook (FB, Tech30) users can experience envy—which can ultimately lead to extreme sadness. The researchers surveyed 736 college students and found that, basically, if you quietly stalk your friends on Facebook and then realize that your life doesn’t measure up to theirs, you feel bad about yourself. CNNMoney (New York) March 2, 2015: 7:08 AM ET Read More: http://money.cnn.com/2015/03/02/technology/facebook-envy/
Competitive ‘interestingness’: the new social disease? By Polly Vernon We’re all constantly trying to ‘out-interesting’ each other – at dinner parties, on social media, in our careers. Polly Vernon asks, when did being normal stop being OK? The Telegraph 7:00AM GMT 05 Nov 2013 Read More: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/10417184/Competitive-interestingness-the-new-social-disease.html
New Selfie-Help Apps Are Airbrushing Us All Into Fake Instagram Perfection by Bianca Bosker A few weeks ago, a friend posted a “#carselfie” to Instagram. It was a beautiful photo—she peered up at the camera from under a beanie and looked positively radiant in the passenger seat of her car—and I duly “liked” it. “#Toogorgeous,” another friend wrote in a comment under the photo. She’s a stunning lady. But the photo, I learned later, was in fact “#toogorgeous” to be true: She’d had some digital work done. My friend, like millions of others online, had spruced up her selfie with Perfect365, a free app that lets people instantly smooth skin, excise zits, highlight eyes and even resize noses before sending their image out on the Internet. Posted: 12/05/2013 4:37 pm EST Updated: 12/15/2013 9:20 pm EST This story appears in Issue 80 of our weekly iPad magazine, Huffington, available Friday, Dec. 20 in the iTunes App store. Read More: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/05/selfie-instagram_n_4391220.html
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…in Parenting
The Quest for a Bigger, Better, Cuter Pregnancy by Courtney Reissig Finding your baby’s gender is a time filled with anticipation, wonder, and, these days, party planning. The commercialization of pregnancy is at it again: A whole culture and industry has emerged to celebrate the big gender reveal. There are portable ultrasound machines that can be brought right to the living room, storefront 4D ultrasound boutiques, cakes with pink or blue inside to indicate the gender of the baby, and parties dedicated to revealing “It’s a boy!” or “It’s a girl!” to family and friends. Christianity Today Her=menutics March 12, 2013 Read More: http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2013/march/quest-for-bigger-better-cuter-pregnancy.html?paging=off
School lunches: Then vs. now (have we gone crazy?!) by Emma Waverman School lunches have become the new battleground for all the “sanctimommies” out there. They’re on a mission to prove they pack the healthiest, most organic, most whole-grain, sugar-free lunch for their little superstars. But, it wasn’t always this way—and it’s sometimes easy to forget we come from a generation brought up on lunches consisting of two pieces of Wonder Bread, cheese slices and Tang. And we turned out just fine. Here is comparison of our school lunches versus our kids’ current school lunches. Today’s Parent, September 30, 2014 Read More: http://www.todaysparent.com/blogs/on-our-minds/school-lunches-gone-crazy/
…in Daily Life
Body image concerns more men than women, research finds by Denis Campbell More men worry about their body shape and appearance—beer bellies, “man boobs” or going bald—than women do about how they look, according to research. More than four in five men (80.7%) talk in ways that promote anxiety about their body image by referring to perceived flaws and imperfections, compared with 75% of women. Similarly, 38% of men would sacrifice at least a year of their life in exchange for a perfect body—again, a higher proportion than women. The Guardian, Thursday 5 January 2012 19.05 EST Read More: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/jan/06/body-image-concerns-men-more-than-women
Quarter-life crisis: Find me a twentysomething who isn’t having one by Julia Oliphant No one prepares us for post-university revelations such as “dream jobs” don’t exist (but unemployment does) and finding “the one” is virtually impossible, says 23 year-old Julia Oliphant. The Telegraph, 1:51PM BST 24 Jul 2013 Read More: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10199724/Quarter-life-crisis-Find-me-atwentysomething-who-isnt-having-one.html
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The Hallmarks of
OCD (Obsessive Comparison Disorder) Excerpted from chapter one of I’m Happy for You (sort of…not really) by Kay Wills Wyma.
T
he thing is, for much of my
gan to become aware of all the ways
maybe you did a quick survey to find
life, I wouldn’t have considered
comparison reaches its tentacles into
someone familiar to stand with so you
myself tethered to comparison.
our culture, into our homes, into our
wouldn’t look like a lonely loser. Be-
Besides the normal middle school
moment-by-moment thought patterns.
cause you know that others are scan-
insecurities and issues with outward
ning too, checking where they fall in
appearance in my teens, I never really
Think about it: When was the last
the lineup. In short, they’re comparing
cared what people thought about me. I
time you walked into an event, wheth-
themselves to you.
assumed my comfortable-in-my-ownWe do it all the time. In fact, whether
point out that my simple assessment is
Many people lose the small joys in hope for the big happiness.
formed by comparison.) I would find
—Pearl S. Buck
expectations, our perceptions, our
skin mentality made me relatively impervious to comparison. Other people compare, but not me. (No need to
myself feeling a bit sorry for them and happy I couldn’t relate.
we believe it or not, there are very few times we aren’t comparing. We even compare ourselves to ourselves—our dreams. Paul Angone, the popular au-
er social- or business-related, and
thor of 101 Secrets for Your Twenties,
didn’t do a quick scan to size up the
calls comparison “the smallpox of our
At times I suspected its unsettling per-
crowd? Maybe to see who’s there and
[the Millennial] generation.”
meation, but I had never gone so far
determine your own worthiness to at-
as to actually call it out and name it.
tend. Maybe to compare attire and
What’s Obsessive Comparison Disor-
Until my eyes started to see and I be-
gauge the suitability of your own. Or
der, you ask? It’s the new OCD I’ve
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coined to describe our compulsion
comparison addiction is uncontrol-
“We love where we’re living,” he told
to constantly compare ourselves with
lable, and it is killing us.1
me, “but we drive over here and see kids playing outside. Then I think
others, producing unwanted thoughts and feelings that drive us into depres-
Well said. I’d also add that comparison’s
about our neighbors, the youngest of
sion, consumption, anxiety and all-
impact is not restricted to a certain gener-
which is, um, around ninety, and I start
around discontent. It encourages us
ation, and it’s not all social-media driven.
to worry about Jackson having friends to play with. Which I know is ridicu-
to stay up late on Facebook [poring] through all 348 pictures of our fren-
One evening not long ago my husband,
lous since he’s almost past that age.
emies’ “My Life Is Better Than Yours”
Jon, and I attended a gathering at the
But then I look at this house, which is
album, and then it sends us to bed
home of some friends here in Dallas.
larger than ours. And our perfect-for-
wondering why we feel so anxious.
I spotted a couple who had recently
our-family-of-three home seems pretty
moved back to the area from Nashville
small, which is silly because it’s fine.
Obsessively comparing yourself to
and made my way across the room to
More than fine. It’s crazy how quickly
others, becoming more and more frus-
hug them. As we chatted, they told us
thoughts can travel to discontent.”
trated that your life doesn’t look like
about the home they had bought and
theirs, is the absolute most effective
were remodeling while they and their
Honestly, I was surprised. Few people
way to take your crisis to unhealthy,
son lived in its garage apartment. Stand-
have it all together like this guy does.
eating raw cookie dough with a serv-
ing in our host’s lovely living room, the
ing spoon, levels. Like having to run
husband shared some of his insecurity
Right about then, my eye landed on
outside to light up a cigarette, our
about their own housing choices.
a lovely work of art hanging on one of 7
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our host’s walls. And I remembered that
to enjoy, I couldn’t stop myself from
Did the man standing by the door think
only moments earlier I might have—
comparing my walls to hers and imag-
about the car he was driving when he
okay, I definitely had—longingly gazed
ining the décor gracing the homes of
parked and saw other cars nicer or
at a butterfly sculpture above the stove in her kitchen and wished it hung in my kitchen. And my thoughts moved to my walls, a few still sporting prints that date back to my days as a single apartment dweller with barely a penny to my name. A framed print of Monet’s water lilies has traveled with me from Washington, DC, to Dallas and my every move in between.
junkier than his? Was the woman on the
We struggle with insecurity because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.
sofa worried about her outfit? Did she
—Steven Furtick
by the clothes dropped across her floor?
I cringed at the thought of this crowd
rifle through a closet only hours earlier, searching for the perfect clothes like my teen daughter does before meeting up with friends at the mall? Could the journey through her closet be tracked, the way my daughter’s can, Like breadcrumbs left on a forest floor,
in my home and wondered how many
the other guests. I had taken the bait
discarded outfits attest to our mental
guests have noticed my cheap imita-
and was now dangling uncomfortably
anguish as we struggle to choose just
tions and possibly hidden scorn behind
on comparison’s hook, having lost a bit
the right thing to be okay.
their smiles. Or maybe silently sighed,
of the joy I had when I entered. I forgot
relieved that at least their walls aren’t
that what’s on the walls isn’t nearly as
Why would an outfit choice hijack
as sparse as mine. Which is ridiculous.
important as what’s taking place with-
our thoughts and prevent us from
They’re my friends. What do they care?
in the walls—the conversations, the
enjoying the people around us? How
laughter, the fights, the making up, the
could a more-than-enough home
everyday stuff of relationship.
suddenly become Less Than? Why
Or do they?
do we—why do I—take the bait and Rather than basking in the beauty dis-
I looked around the room and couldn’t
make comparisons? It’s crazy. And I
played on our host’s walls for all of us
help but wonder, Am I alone?
know better.
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There’s Hope: How to Stop the Joy Thief The list of joy stealers goes on and on. The good news is that we can silence comparison when we learn to recognize its insidious invitation to self-obsession. Excerpted from chapter one of I’m Happy for You (sort of…not really) by Kay Wills Wyma.
Because really, that’s what comparison
all my brood whiled away a day color-
does: it makes life all about me,
ing, drawing, displaying—and go-
how I measure up or fall short.
ing through the garbage can to see
And all that self-absorption con-
what treasure I might have mis-
sumes our mental energy and
taken for trash.
prevents us from enjoying life. Such reminders of what I truly In my friend’s house, I caught
value help ground my thoughts
myself in that art moment, and I did
in a saner perspective and break the
one of the things that actually
grip of comparison. Does comparison
dispels comparison: I quickly
ever end? Who knows? Maybe I’ll still
forced a mental reboot and chose to
be lured into dissatisfaction by looking
be genuinely happy for my friend, our
at my former-me pants or art or house
host. When it’s not about me, I can ap-
or kids or titles or status or (fill in the
preciate her great taste and the beau-
that are of great worth to me. Pencil
blank) when I’m eighty. I hope not. I
ty of what hangs on her walls. Then,
sketches of a squiggly line elephant, a
hope that through honest discussion,
adding a little oomph to my mental
chair, a light bulb, a rectangle, and a
we can encourage each other and find
reboot, I reminded myself to consider
cross, each drawn by my seven-year-
practical ways to tame comparison pres-
the not-too-shabby aspects of our own
old, have hung there for several months
sures. I think the solution begins with
home. Maybe the artwork on the wall
and never fail to make me smile. They
bringing unproductive thoughts into
next to my kitchen table is not profes-
remind me how quickly time flies.
the light so each of us knows we are not
sional, but there are a few objets d’art
They take me back to the days when
alone in this struggle.
g
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It’s your turn to weigh in! What do you think? r I’m tired of comparison stealing my joy. For goodness sake—just tell me how to get the book!
Funny you should ask…
r I’m glad I’m not the only one comparing! Add my name to the team—I’m already spreading the word.
And WE want to thank YOU. Email happy4youpreview@ gmail.com and let us know about which platforms you used to tell your friends about the book (email, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, etc.) and we will enter your name in a prize drawing until the end of May.
r I’m not a comparer, but I will be praying for you. Thanks for listening…and for the prayers!
r I’m still not sure, tell me more. We would love to!
For more info or commiseration, visit: www.themoatblog.com Facebook.com/MOATblog • Twitter.com/themoatblog • Where we walk, talk and laugh a lot — together.
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