THE BLOCK BEGINS

BY STEPHANIE BLOCK

HOWDY! WE’RE POPPING THE CHAMPAGNE FOR THIS NEW Haute Living, San Francisco column, “Around the Block,” with me, Stephanie Block. This space shall be resplendent with tales of the city’s people. Let’s show ’em that San Francisco is neither dead nor doomed.

These glittering lines promise to paint a broader picture—not rose-hued because there’s a shortage of pink paint due to all things Barbie movie! If you aren’t awash in blush right now, are you even an astronaut and the president and a veterinarian? Friends, you know I’m Barbie-obsessed. My collection sits in Lucite cases above my bar. You throw one back, you glance at Hello Kitty Barbie. All hail!

You may wonder how I come to inhabit these chic pages. I’ve known your brilliant editor-in-chief, Teresa Rodriguez, for eons, and have had the pleasure of editing and contributing to her literary projects. I’m also known to trip (not on) the red carpet fantastic. I’m out a lot, being a wine expert and standup comedian. I might be evaluating vintages or at an open mic at midnight on a Tuesday. And if I’m not somewhere, you’re probably there. Let’s talk.

Here’s a dreamhouse goal for you: getting mentioned in Around the Block where all things haute and happening in the Bay Area really shine. Dish to me like Dominique Crenne—serve me multi courses of your most amusing bouches. Catch me at @howdyblock. So, what’s the happs? My birthday of some significance! My plan is simple: host 50 parties between now and New Year’s Eve. Can it be done? You bet your cool sculpted ass it can. Help me to get to 50 fêtes.

Enough about me; what do you think of me? Is it even me? We are the AI capital of the world: everyone who’s anyrobot is here. Our fab friend realtor, Joel Goodrich, expects a bleep-blorp surge as all that end-of-humanity cashola gets invested in real estate, art, and— sure—a new Beatles single featuring John Lennon. Treat yourselves, newtelligence sympathizers! Too, this will be the first season of parties at the astounding Conservatory at One Sansome with interiors by Jeff Schlarb and event coordination helmed by Lillian Phan, of Chef Dynasty: House of Fang TV fame. Is it too late to reserve it for your holiday party? Prolly.

Plus, sex, duh. Our tongues wag in various mouths vis-à-vis recent revelations about elite underground swingers’ clubs round here. I always had my suspicions, didn’t you? Someone invite me, I’ll bring the libations, you bring the lubrications.

Shopping is a primo tenet of “Barbiecore.” You may sense that all stores have left, except a swap market at the 16th Street BART station, but fear not! Neiman Marcus assures me that they’re staying. We must carry on the stealth wealth trend, wearing effortless, high-end, logo-free goods best found in those charming boutiques in Jackson Square. I am a maximalist, so this means nothing. My outfits shout. Do yours whisper? Private client experiences are everything right now, like the shhhh floor above the retail étage at Saint Laurent downtown with the most beautiful dressing room I’ve ever seen.

Yes, some businesses are thriving. Scarlet Sage Herb Co., an apothecary and 28-year Mission District fixture, just moved to Fillmore Street. While hotel and mall executives rue their debt structure, an LGBTQ+ herbalist entrepreneur is slaying the retail game. Brava to Laura Ash who did much of the renovation herself.

Finally, our OUT-IN roundup. Dine and dance events are out and experience-oriented theme parties are in, observes party planner extraordinaire, Robert Fountain. Paparazzi is out; hiring your own camera crew is in. Dive bar comedy is out; dispensary smoking room comedy is in. Super blooms are out; stealth blooms are in. Pop-ups are out; residencies are in. Naked eyeballs are out; Apple goggles are in. Rideshares are out; driverless rides between 10 p.m. and 5 a.m. are in.

P.S.: My stunning photo was taken by the Vincent Gotti! Swoon. Real talk: it took two hours to uplevel moi’s face and hair, y’all. Tease it to Jesus! I did it in the spirit of Barbie, the original influencer whose powerful message is simple: you can be anything, even a wine comedian society columnist! Time to stand on your tiptoes, repeatedly change your outfit, and hop in your hybrid pink Corvette. It’s time to contribute to what’s going on around town, especially Around the Block. Thank you for being part of Episode 1, The Block Begins