Surviving guilt

Brian Johnston, Leigh, England

To feel guilt is to experience emotional remorse, believing –rightly or wrongly – we’re responsible for something wrong. Taking a biblical example where the guilt was real: Immediately a rooster crowed a second time. And Peter remembered how Jesus had made the remark to him, “Before a rooster crows twice you, will deny Me three times.” And he began to weep. 1

Unrealistic expectations

It had all started out with Peter having an unrealistic expectation of himself. The Lord had forewarned Peter that he would deny Him. 2 Peter had kicked against that. Whenever we expect more of ourselves than the Lord does, it has to mean that we’re being unrealistic and setting ourselves up for disappointment, with its baggage of guilt feelings. An oldest child may think s/he is expected to take care of other siblings, whether able to or not. A wife feels she is expected to work 40 hours a week, rear children, keep house, please her husband, all while faithfully serving in the local church. Church workers may overload themselves with all of the evangelism, teaching, pastoral care and administration that all in the local church are supposed to be involved in. Unlike Peter’s case, there may or may not be actual sin associated with these examples.

Exposing perfectionism

The Apostle John challenges people who were denying reality as he begins his first letter. 3 First, he makes quite sure we understand that it’s totally unrealistic for us to expect to live a sinless life. Perfectionism is often the first step towards feeling guilty. Attempting excellence is one thing, but demanding perfection is quite another. Then John explains our need to confess the real sins we can’t deny: If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us. 4

Going back to Peter, it’s not what the crowd says to Peter, as much as what he says to himself, that makes him weep. With us, the thing loading us with guilt may be something that others don’t know about, but something we feel responsible for. It could be, for example, we weren’t available for a friend and then something bad happened to them. There’s a long list of things that tempt us to be anxious about how God will deal with us. While some of us silence these concerns, others deal with a sense of guilt by allowing themselves to be manipulated by others. A single mother allows her 30-year-old son to manipulate her. Her way of dealing with feelings of guilt is to accept this treatment as the price she must pay for what she guiltily believes she is responsible for.

Feeling guilty or being convicted? Feeling guilty, however, doesn’t always mean that we truly are guilty before God. It’s good to distinguish between general, vague feelings of guilt and times when we come under specific conviction. The Holy Spirit convicts us of any actual guilt before God; He doesn’t just make us feel guilty. Conviction is a heartfelt state of remorse leading to repentance; whereas mere guilt feelings on their own can lead to anxiety, depression or some other unhealthy situation. Repentance is about turning around to do God’s will, instead of continuing in sin. Beware self-pity It’s one thing to feel guilty about not being the best parent you could have been, but it’s another thing – if convicted that it’s true – to do the best you can from here on in. God uses conviction to help us to repent. It’s the Devil who uses mere guilt

feelings to have us wallow in selfpity.

Accepting God’s forgiveness when at fault

Peter learnt to do that. There’s no ongoing saga running through the New Testament of how he repeatedly beat up on himself by recalling his denials. The Lord had singled him out for attention in resurrection, 5 and Peter was graciously helped. He was clearly ready to move on. He’s a monument to the power of God’s grace that we, too, can access. Realistically, while God forgives, other people may not. Guilt says, “I am responsible”; but forgiveness says, “No payment is required.”

Coping with (legalistic) expectations of others Some of us are helped to feel guilty: when peers, parents or other advisors flood us with their guidance. Legalism fails to observe that, in Exodus 20:2, the Law was not given to earn deliverance and adoption, but after these had already been secured. Faith, not feelings We should live by faith and not by feelings, far less by the opinion of others. If there are times when our emotions suggest to us something different from what God’s Word teaches us, we need to walk by faith in God’s Word, and not by our feelings. If we confess, and God says in His Word that He forgives, and after that we try our best, then any paralyzing negative emotions must be rejected as being without basis. It is the Devil’s tactic. References: (1) Mark 14:72 (2) see Mark 14:30 (3) 1 John 1:6,8,10; 2:4 (4) 1 John 1:9 (5) Mark 16:7; John 21 Bible quotations from NASB