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Coercive Relationships Find the Answers You Seek

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

Black Rose Writing | Texas

©2021 by Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publishers, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to be printed in a newspaper, magazine or journal. The author grants the final approval for this literary material. First printing This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. ISBN: 978-1-68433-667-8 PUBLISHED BY BLACK ROSE WRITING www.blackrosewriting.com Printed in the United States of America Suggested Retail Price (SRP) $20.95

Coercive Relationships is printed in Book Antiqua *As a planet-friendly publisher, Black Rose Writing does its best to eliminate unnecessary waste to reduce paper usage and energy costs, while never compromising the reading experience. As a result, the final word count vs. page count may not meet common expectations.

Quotes from Women’s Voices Empowerment group participants: “The validation that I received in sharing my story and feelings of an abusive/controlling relationship has helped me to open up about things I’ve kept inside of me for many years. I am now beginning to realize that I really am a person worthy of love and respect, and it’s amazing how empowering that belief can be!” “I feel free! Stronger!”

This book is dedicated to all the intimate partner survivors I have worked alongside. Your courage and perseverance inspired these pages.

Coercive Relationships Find the Answers You Seek

CONTENTS

A Note from the Author Part I Why Read This Book?

1 5

Chapter 1 Facing the Ache

Chapter 2 The Elephant We Don’t Talk About

Part II Am I Being Abused? Chapter 3 Calling It by the Correct Name

20 21

Chapter 4 Bricks in the Coercion Wall

Chapter 5 Acknowledging Your Strengths

Part III Why Do They Hurt Us?

Chapter 6 Recognizing the Snake in the Grass

Chapter 7 Dominance Beliefs of Controllers

Chapter 8 Factors that Influence Severity

Chapter 9 Treatment

Part IV Why Do I Feel Crazy?

Chapter 10 Entrapment

Chapter 11 Understanding Our Responses to Coercion

Chapter 12 Injuries

Part V Why Do They Believe They Can Control Us? Chapter 13 The Belief in Power Over Relationships

127 128

Chapter 14 The Cultural Engine Driving Dominating Relationships

132

Chapter 15 Examining Our Culture’s Dominator Tapestry

137

Chapter 16 A Partnership Worldview

147

Part VI How Do I Recognize Abuse of Power?

156

Chapter 17 Power and Its Use

157

Chapter 18 Families

159

Chapter 19 Schools

167

Chapter 20 Workplaces

173

Chapter 21 Professionals

182

Chapter 22 Spiritual Life

191

Chapter 23 Political and Economic Institutions

202

Part VII What Can I Change?

211

Chapter 24 Mistrusting Our Instincts

212

Chapter 25 Cut Off by the Road of Avoidance

217

Chapter 26 Caught by the Road of Being “Nice”

220

Chapter 27 Tied Down by the Road of Low Self-worth

223

Chapter 28 Martyred by the Road of Self-sacrifice

226

Chapter 29 Weighed Down by the Road of Accepting Unreasonable Blame

230

Chapter 30 Entangled by the Road of Viewing Feminine as Inferior

233

Chapter 31 Trapped by the Fear of Being Alone

238

Chapter 32 Bound by the Road of Being Put on a Pedestal

242

Chapter 33 Limited by the Road of Changing My Partner

246

Chapter 34 Undone by the Road of Trusting Unconditionally

249

Chapter 35 Imprisoned by the Road of Loving

253

Chapter 36 Confined by the Road of Instilled Fear

257

Chapter 37 Unraveling the Ropes

260

Part VIII How Do I Go Forward?

266

Chapter 38 Germination

267

Chapter 39 Fertilizers

273

Chapter 40 Transplanting

279

Chapter 41 Grieving

287

Chapter 42 Nurturing Growth

296

Appendices Safety Planning Power and Control Wheels Post-traumatic Stress Disorder Symptoms Professionals Concerned Family and Friends

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR This book germinated in my heart for a long time. Seeds were planted when I developed my Women’s Voices group curriculum for survivors of intimate partner violence (IPV) in 1991. They were watered by a Spiritual Journaling class that inspired me to begin writing in 2006. Over the years of a busy practice, my writing mentor and two critique groups fertilized my developing craft. I took occasional breaks for significant life events, like selling my house and making time for my elderly mother. Doubts would creep in occasionally, like “who do you think you are writing a book?” Every time I asked myself whether this was really mine to do, there was a voice inside me that always gave me a strong YES. This is written with deep respect and gratitude to all survivors. As I’ve worked alongside you, focused on your goals, my understanding and insight became deeper. You are the experts about coercive control; I am simply putting into words what you’ve experienced and enlightening it with research and training. I’m hopeful that this information assists you in making sense of what happened or perhaps still is happening. My training, research, and clients inform the content and survivor illustrations. The latter are sometimes based on an individual but written without identifying information. Others are a blend of many stories told to me over the years. My vision for this book is fourfold: • • • •

To provide information that increases your insights about what you’ve experienced To validate, encourage, inspire hope, and strengthen resolve To open a door of awareness to more people so that they care about, own, and work toward preventing intimate partner abuse To tip the world from belief in domination to respect and acceptance for everyone’s rights

Coercive control violates civil rights and dampens spirits. May this book guide you to uncover the layers of abuse, lies, and myths that hid who you truly are. Healing from this trauma requires recovering, or 1

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sometimes discovering for the first time, your personal power. This releases you from any blocks you have in recognizing your strengths and how you’ve endured. The path of recovery cannot be clearly mapped out with do’s and don’ts. I agree with Mark Epstein[I] when he said, “The spiritual path means making a path rather than following one. It is a very personal process, unique to each individual.” Likewise, all our situations are different, so you need to follow what is right for you. Thoughts stimulated by Coercive Relationships can help shape your path. Identifying what has trampled your spirit makes it possible to emerge with a stronger voice and create the life you want. I set an intention to be as inclusive as possible. Intimate partner victims are as diverse as all of humanity, Identifying what has including all genders, classes, races, trampled our spirits sexual orientations, professions, and makes it possible to religions. About four in five victims emerge with a are female,[II] but intimate abuse occurs with males and non-binary1 stronger voice and individuals as well. It’s evident that create the life you intimate abuse is an emotional want. pandemic throughout every culture. Examples from all types of relationships help everyone to feel seen. I utilize “you” and “we” because I want to speak to you rather than about you. I often speak conversationally with “we” as if it includes everyone, because it can happen to anyone. I am hopeful this style helps non-survivors, such as family members, friends, and professionals, put themselves in your shoes, gaining insights into common feelings and dilemmas. The language is gender nonspecific when appropriate, using singular “they” for two reasons. First, using it eliminates having to rotate between “he” and “she” or limiting it to a single pronoun. Second, it encompasses both gendered and non-binary gendered individuals. Use of the singular “they” has become increasingly prominent; I’m hopeful that it becomes second nature as you read. As a white woman, I know I’m privileged and my understanding is sometimes limited by that. I have worked to educate myself about 1

Non-binary individuals have a spectrum of gender identities rather than identifying as exclusively masculine or feminine. 2

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diversity. However, we never know what we don’t know, and so I offer this work with humility. If your experience is not completely represented here, I hope there are bones that allow you to understand what you have endured. Self-care may seem like a luxury, depending upon your circumstance. I’m aware it can seem like an unattainable idea. In the midst of a chaotic relationship or when we find ourselves being a single parent, it may seem impossible or even self-indulgent. However, even the little things we do to manage stress help, so I’ll include suggestions from time to time. I especially encourage you to be aware of how reading this book affects you. You may at times have to put it down because it’s triggering too many memories. Doing so represents self-care as well. Take this at your own pace. Though I placed the book’s sections in a format that I thought helpful, you can read them in the order that makes sense for you. I do encourage reading all, but you know what you need. The sections of this book deal with common questions: •

Why read this book?

This introduction acknowledges the pain of intimate abuse. It addresses safety, being gentle with yourself, and refraining from pressure or self-blame. If you aren’t sure now, reading this should help you to know if you want to continue. •

Am I being abused?

These chapters define coercive control and provide a comprehensive checklist that assists in naming what’s happened and how it’s walled off your freedom. •

Why do they hurt us?

This identifies the motivation and beliefs that drive intimates to wield power and control. This clarifies your confusion and promotes placing responsibility where it belongs rather than on yourself. •

Why do I feel crazy?

This section illuminates why you may experience self-doubt, difficulty knowing what is real, depression, anxiety, intrusive memories, or other trauma symptoms. Emotional and physical forms 3

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of abuse cause injury. This information shields you from believing your partner’s claims that “you’re crazy.” •

Why do they believe they should control us?

This section matches partners’ beliefs, attitudes, and behavior to the undercurrent of cultural assumptions and customs that enable their coercive control. •

How can I recognize abuse of power when I see it?

My vision for this book included connecting intimate partner violence to a larger problem of domination in society. Coercive control exists in family, work, school, professional, and religious/spiritual relationships. These chapters help you recognize it anywhere. •

What can I change?

These chapters focus on what you want to transform in your life. It identifies possible vulnerabilities you may have because of how you were brought up or due to previous injuries from abuse. •

How do I go forward?

The final section provides information for listening to your voice and stepping into your power. It does not tell you what you should do, but encourages your quest to find your answers and move from victim to survivor to thrive. Writing this book has spurred my growth journey. It inspired both finding my voice and my willingness to be visible, or “brave the wilderness,”[III] as Brene Brown calls it. My hope is that you find your voice and the way through your own wilderness as well. “Insight comes slowly, like the careful stringing of pearls. A jewel, a knot, another jewel, another knot. It’s an insanely difficult act to make a necklace in the midst of tempest, to sit quietly with trembling fingers, while the well water spills over from the sides of your eyes. But with insight also comes healing, the return of laughter, the possibility of joy.” —Doris Schwerin

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

PART I WHY READ THIS BOOK? “All my questions led to the same truth, which is that if I didn’t say something—if we didn’t all just take the risk and say something—we would never break the cycle of abuse.” —Amber Tamblyn, Era of Ignition[IV] These chapters begin the journey of discovery about what intimate partner abuse is about and why it affects us so deeply. • •

Chapter 1—Facing the Ache Chapter 2—The Elephant We Don’t Talk About

If you are reading this to deal with a difficult partner or former partner, this begins that journey. If you are reading because you ended a relationship some time ago and still find you’re hurting from it, you still have the right book. If you are reading this to understand someone you care about or work with, it provides a view of their world and how you can be helpful.

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CHAPTER 1 FACING THE ACHE “There had been so many things I hadn’t allowed myself to see, because if I fully woke to the truth, then what would I do? How would I be able to reconcile myself to it? The truth may set you free, but first it will shatter the safe, sweet way you live.” —Sue Monk Kidd, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter[V]

Naming the Pain Opening our eyes to how intimate partners harm us hurts. To awaken knowledge that life together isn’t how you pictured it, bring up past or present injuries you have tried to forget, and give names to what your partner does is not light reading. This may feel excruciating, but it’s also the beginning step to reclaiming yourself. Although we dislike what is happening, the circumstances we know may seem securer than the unknown. We sometimes avoid taking steps toward an imagined future, even if it means accepting a present condition that causes suffering. It is hard to choose a path that is indefinite, that we can’t map out completely. This is especially true in our love relationships. It requires faith that we will emerge safer, stronger, and able to create a better way of life, with or without those who hurt us. That’s the irony, however; we have to face uncertainty to create what we want. Years ago, before I awakened to problems in my first marriage, an acquaintance observed that I did not Often our greatest have a life of my own, that my husband growth comes during dominated me. I resented it and said to myself, “I don’t need a woman to tell crises. me how to live either.” I wasn’t ready to examine her observation. Later, I asserted what I wanted—equal partnership and my own career. This resulted in increased conflict, and my husband had an affair. This 6

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immense betrayal opened my eyes to what I had not seen before. Often our greatest growth come during crises. Turning point moments like mine drag us kicking and screaming to what we ultimately realize is our “good.” Fear of being on my own interfered with allowing myself to see how controlled I was and how much of myself I had given up. I felt unhappy and resentful but didn’t understand why. The end of my marriage forced me to make changes that led to enhanced self-confidence. We grow just as the We grow just as the roots of a tree roots of a tree grow grow deeper when there is drought. deeper when there is There isn’t always a crisis that opens us to change. Many drought. relationships travel the ladder of escalating aggression, from one intrusive behavior to another. We accept things we never have in the past. We adapt as abuse get worse, hoping to figure out how to avoid it. The pain of partners’ treatment sinks deep into our souls. Before we recognize what is happening, we believe in what controllers say. When the truth dawns that they’re abusive, we may go back and forth between trusting our perceptions and doubting them. We sometimes feel alone. That’s urgent to change if it’s correct, because we all need social support. Whether you’re reading this while in crisis, years or months after ending the relationship, or this is the first time you’ve recognized what is wrong, focus on this moment. Do not blame, shame, or tell yourself “you should have known.” The past is over, and without the learning it generates, the future we want cannot unfold. Focus instead on what you know now and any guiding lights you have. Sometimes these are a friend’s observations or a family member’s concern. Other lights are books, media information on domestic abuse, and medical professionals asking if we’re safe. These may not be welcome as in my experience, but we remember, we come back to them, and we benefit when we are ready.

Support Supportive people listen, understand, encourage, and accept you no matter what your choices.

Find people who can support you. I will repeat this many, many times throughout this book because it is so important. Supportive people listen, understand, encourage, and accept you regardless of your choices. Those 7

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who can give their perceptions kindly without judgment are valuable assets. They may be friends, relatives, therapists, ministers—anyone who encourages you. Support online and through social media also exists, but be careful that your online search history is private from an abuser. Resources at the end of this section provide examples of agencies and websites.

Reflection “You think you can avoid {pain} but actually you can’t. If you do, you just get sicker, or you feel more pain. But if you can speak it, if you can write it, if you can paint it, it is very healing.” —Alice Walker, “A Self of One’s Own,” Common Boundary. [VI] There are many opportunities for reflection throughout this book. I encourage you to make time to do them. They are important for sorting out what applies to you. Find safe ways to journal about them if this works for you. If there is a danger it wouldn’t stay private, consider safe places to keep it or password protect it. Talk to trusted supporters if writing is unwise. The first Reflection is on self-care, something that we will return to often because of its importance. However, pass no judgment about how much you do. This is meant as a reminder. Do what you can. If you’re asking yourself what self-care is, you’re not alone. The Reflection below may help.

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

Reflection on Self-care Self-care is any constructive activity that helps us manage stress. Sometimes it is doing an activity that expresses your pain or other emotions, just as Walker indicates. It helps release what may be bottled up inside. Self-care is also doing things for ourselves that bring us joy and fulfillment. This helps us feel good about ourselves, that is unless we’ve learned that it’s selfish. If that’s true, information later will help distinguish selfishness from self-interest. Mark this page so you can refer to it when needed. Use what is good for you. Add to the list anything that makes your heart sing. Even having a few minutes to ourselves can provide welcome mental space. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Walking or sitting in a natural setting—under a tree, by water, on a bench, in a garden, in a park Reading an inspiring book Calling or spending time with a friend Meditating or praying Journaling Napping Doodling or drawing Art work or crafts—painting, sculpting, coloring Singing or listening to music Exercising or playing sports Dancing Taking a bubble bath Enjoying a massage Going to therapy (sometimes that is the only “me” time we get) Other:

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Is This Abuse? We often experience doubts that relationships are coercive. For instance, we may think ours is not as abusive as others. Partners often deny any wrongdoing and insist we are to blame, which promotes our confusion. Many people and communities still view domestic abuse as a family issue instead of a crime. Their comments may intensify our uncertainties. Reading the Coercive Control Checklist in Chapter 5 may be difficult, but these examples of behavior reported by survivors will help you see whether it applies to you. The list is extensive but not exhaustive; don’t expect to check all, and you may add others. Partners are coercively controlling when they do these without apology. This book has important material before the checklist. If you peek ahead, go back and forth as you please.

Safety Check-in Fear for emotional or physical safety often paralyzes us; it interferes with being able to think clearly. We may need to focus on functioning so cannot look at safety. Protection is the most basic form of self-care. Safety planning is appropriate for emotional or physical abuse. Emotional abuse has the most lasting effects according to everyone I’ve worked with, except for deadly violence. Verbal and emotional abuse erodes self-esteem, confidence, and trust in ourselves and others. When trapped and overwhelmed by verbal tirades, we feel powerless. If we’re not prepared to leave, we can come up with strategies that provide a psychological buffer. Keep any written safety plan in a protected place, which could be at a friend’s home, at work, at your therapist’s office, in a passwordprotected file, or in an email you send to a trusted friend. The act of writing Creating a plan for it often helps even if you can’t keep it self-protection close because generating safety ignites a spark of options may help calm anxious thoughts. Creating a plan for selfpower in us. protection ignites a spark of power in us. When ending relationships, leaving is the most dangerous time. This may be true even when there hasn’t been physical abuse. We are the best ones to judge the danger we face. However, risk assessment 10

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tools are available also to help gauge this. It is very important to do safety planning when the risk is high. The next Reflection covers safety basics. If you access web sites, remember to safeguard your internet searches from partners. Libraries with computer access may be a good option. Advocates at domestic abuse organizations provide help in tailoring safety plans. Reflection on Safety Planning • • • •

Think about whether you feel physically and emotionally safe. If you are not safe, how does this affect you? If you feel safe now but did not in the past, reflect on how things have changed. Think about family or friends you can turn to when needed. Talk with them and come up with a signal to use if you’re in danger. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is available 24/7 to help with safety planning, and they can assist in finding resources for shelter or advocacy in your community. They also have online safety planning information. Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) https://ncadv.org/personalized-safety-plan

•

The Safety Planning Appendix includes questions and information on safety planning as a way to begin thinking about it. Don’t hesitate to call for help regarding emotional abuse. Constant verbal harassment affects mental and physical health.

Coercive Control’s Injuries Some intimate abuse experts use the term “intimate terrorism” to describe domestic abuse. It’s horrifying to think our experience resembles torture. However, these tactics prove even more effective and damaging when used in a love relationship. Coercive control behaviors affect us by: • • • • •

Battering self-esteem Eroding trust in ourselves and others Preventing awareness of feelings Causing self-doubt about our perceptions and opinions Stopping assertiveness 11

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Valerie joined a group because her abusive partner’s behavior left her doubting herself and afraid to express her opinions even with receptive people. She asked the group therapist if she would ever feel safe and be her “old self” again. The answer Valerie received took into consideration the complex ways she was affected. She learned that healing occurs, and that it takes time and a willingness to give attention to the harm done. Valerie worked on her issues, and rather than being exactly the same, she emerged with greater confidence and strength. The “Why Do I Feel Crazy?” chapters delve into more depth about how control injures us. The “What Can I Change?” and “How Do I Go Forward?” chapters help achieve what we call post-traumatic growth. Knowledge that there is such a thing reassures us.

Why Did I Allow This? If you’ve ever asked this, you’re not alone. We rarely understand how abuse and fear affect us. We do not “allow” We do not “allow” them to them to abuse. That abuse. That would mean we gave our permission. They do not have would mean we gave “controller” written on their our permission. . . . foreheads, and they are often good Asking this doesn’t at disguising it early in recognize all the ways relationships. Small wonder we ask this, since the media also focus on we’ve tried to avoid victims and what they do, as if that and prevent it. explains or justifies what happened to them. Asking this doesn’t recognize all the ways we’ve tried to avoid and prevent it. We eventually realize that we can’t change them. Society, however, often asks the same thing. Everyone instead needs to ask, “Why do controllers choose their behavior?” They are the only ones who can stop it. This book will supply answers to that question in the “Why Do They Hurt Us?” and “Why Do They Believe They Can Control Us?” chapters.

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

Making Our Own Decisions When we acknowledge problems in relationships, we often jump to thoughts about what we should do. Don’t feel rushed to decide. It takes time to figure out what’s best. The answers are different depending on our positions, but one thing is undeniable: they need to come from you, not from others. You may not know what they are now, but a purpose for reading is to gain information and mental space for figuring that out. It’s a lot to do and seems overwhelming. The enduring effects of coercive control make it difficult to contemplate next steps, whether that is leaving or asking for change. Being harmed by a loved one affects our sense of self and what we believe we can do. We do ourselves an injustice if we view the wounds of intimate abuse as evidence of personal deficits. We will investigate these injuries in Chapter 13. Unfortunately, people who don’t understand the trauma often make this mistake, giving victims unjustified blame for staying. Those same individuals do not say that prisoners of war give consent to their captors when they are unsuccessful at resisting them. Emotional abuse erodes our self-assurance. This enables controllers to keep their power with less effort. We aren’t as likely to leave if we lack trust in our choices or fear making mistakes. When we have insecurities before the relationship because of violence in our family growing up or other reasons, the controlling behavior reinforces them. “What Can I Change?” chapters examine how injuries may become inner predators that block growth. This book will not tell you how to live or what decisions to make. That would be controlling, the opposite of respecting that you understand what’s best for you. This text seeks to inform instead, to assist you in making decisions. I appreciate this feels overwhelming. I know you may have a tough time Trust your process; believing in your ability to handle this. I you can do this. also recognize sometimes you wish someone could instruct you in what to do. And I see how we all wish there was a magic wand that transported us out of our current misery. But life just isn’t that way. Trust your process; you can do this.

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Pace Yourself Read this at your own pace if it gets overwhelming. Be gentle and kind with yourself. We each have our own journey and do the best we can. Right for us may look like a mistake to others, but they aren’t living our lives. View your choices as life’s opportunities for learning instead of reproaching yourself regarding your past. Penny’s story illustrates this. When Penny married at age 21, it attracted her that Lyle guided her and always knew what to do. Gradually, she saw that his behavior was controlling and possessive. As she learned the difference between love and control, she asked Lyle to treat her with respect, but he refused to change. At age 31, she started a divorce because she had gained confidence that she could live on her own. Penny’s therapist encouraged her to stop criticizing herself for what she didn’t know when younger. Instead of putting herself down, she looked at her marriage as a stepping stone in her growth.

When we confront injuries and insecurities as challenges to overcome, they become openings for change. We discover our strength, even when we feel most weak.

We learn from experiences when we don’t shame ourselves. This encourages a life truly lived, filled with growth. When we confront injuries and insecurities as challenges to overcome, they become openings for change. We discover our strength, even when we feel most weak. Regard this book as taking one step. Don’t think in terms of fast giant leaps. That isn’t how we make changes, much less negotiate the pitfalls of a controlling relationship. The next chapter identifies how IPV is the elephant in the living room of our culture that we do not discuss. “… although we may enter the heart of darkness, if we are brave enough to face and then speak our truth, we can change and be set free.” —Jane Fonda, My Life So Far[VII]

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

Reflection on What Came Up as You Read •

• • • •

Have you told anyone about your partner’s behavior? If not, sharing this burden with someone you trust lightens it. We often fear being rejected or blamed. Be thoughtful about whom you choose because you definitely don’t deserve a response that makes you feel worse. Reflect on whether you have blamed yourself for your partner’s behavior. We are all responsible for how we behave. If you have ever questioned your perceptions about your partner’s behavior, know that this is common. It will become clearer to you as you read on. Identify the people who support and encourage you. If those are too few, that’s something you can work on gradually. If you don’t feel ready for this book now or need to take it slowly, that is okay. As a therapist, I meet people where they are and prioritize their current needs. Sometimes they are too depressed or anxious to handle much else. Think about what would best support you right now, including the pace at which you read this book.

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CHAPTER 2 THE ELEPHANT WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT “Silence is the first thing within the power of the enslaved to shatter. From that shattering, everything else spills forth.” —Robin Morgan, Demon Lover: The Roots of Terrorism[VIII]

Silence and Denial We may silence ourselves because we feel embarrassed or ashamed that The stigma we sense we’re abused. The stigma we sense comes from many comes from many people seeing intimate abuse as a personal problem people seeing we’re equally responsible for, and that intimate abuse as a we can easily fix by leaving. This personal problem sweeps it under the rug and doesn’t we’re equally acknowledge the root causes. Our societies have many responsible for and assumptions and beliefs that condone that can easily be the domination and privilege of some fixed by leaving. people over others. These permit not only intimate abuse but other forms of violence, along with racial and sexual discrimination. When society is silent regarding dominance and entitlement, they become normalized, as if it has to be that way. As sociologist Eviatar Zerubavel[IX] says, “. . . the most public form of denial is silence.” It deafens us to what drives violence and prevents addressing it effectively in our communities and in relationships. Domination values and beliefs give license for an epidemic of violence, as shown by these statistics:

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• • • • •

Almost one in four women in the United States reports experiencing violence by a current or former spouse or boyfriend[X]; One in five women and one in 71 men will be raped;[XI] Referrals to state child protective services involve 6.6 million children, and around 3.2 million of those children are subject to an investigated report[XII]; 27% of Americans have experienced past or present workplace bullying[XIII]; United States residents underwent an annual average of 1.7 million violent workplace victimizations between 1993 and 1999[XIV] (the latest statistics available).

Our popular culture often legitimizes entitlement and mistreatment under the guise of love in songs and films. Lyrics from “My Man[XV]” sung by Ella Fitzgerald, show this. He isn’t good He isn’t true He beats me too What can I do? Oh, my man I love him so. Lyrics such as these numb us to harmful behavior, making it sound normal and even acceptable. They promote an implicit bias about women and men’s behavior, similar to implicit racial bias. We don’t see it unless we examine it. This springs out at us when we view old movies with shock, seeing the racial and gender stereotypes with awareness we did not have in the past. This socialization can mask coercive control, so we may not recognize it in the first stages of a relationship. Deanna’s boyfriend Tim expressed resentment and sadness whenever she did something without him. Her friends thought he was very attentive to her, but Deanna grew confused. Tim denied he was jealous, instead accusing her of being selfish and not loving him. She increased her efforts to prove her love and please him, and became estranged from her former life. Deanna and her friends didn’t recognize the entitlement and irrational jealousy behind Tim’s behavior. What he displayed was not 17

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normal jealousy. Tim assumed he had the right to dominate her, that his wants should come before hers, and that he is entitled to all her attention. Seeing the cultural connections among all forms of violence clarifies that the abuse we experience has deeper roots. The cultural beliefs underlying coercive control remain the “elephant in the living room”[XVI] that no one acknowledges. Masking unreasonable possessiveness under the mantel of romantic love illustrates only one form of how dominance becomes embedded in life. We’ll bring this silenced elephant into the forefront in the “Why Do They Believe They Can Control Us?” chapters.

Reflection on Silencing • • •

Reflect on whether shame or embarrassment interfered with seeking help. Journal about whether you assumed you were to blame, and if so, where you are with that now. Have you noticed stigma or silence about abuse? If so, where has it shown up?

RESOURCES Local Agencies Contact your local domestic abuse agency for advocacy, support groups, and emergency shelter. These agencies often have recommendations for therapists who specialize in intimate partner violence, attorneys who understand it, and other avenues of support.

Web Sites for Intimate Partner Violence Information and Safety Planning •

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The National Coalition against Domestic Violence https://ncadv.org/ This resource has information about intimate partner abuse and other organizations for help and safety planning. The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) http://www.thehotline.org/

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

• • • • •

Confidential, anonymous help 24/7, including information and safety planning. Domestic Violence Resource Center - http://www.dvrcor.org/safety-planning/ Safe Horizon: http://www.safehorizon.org/page/create-adomestic-violence-safety-plan-11.html National Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474; www.loveisrespect.org Battered Women’s Justice Project: https://www.bwjp.org/ Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs, Home of the Duluth Model—They developed the first Power and Control Wheel and have a number on their website for free download https://www.theduluthmodel.org/

Web Sites for Special Populations: • • • • • •

Teens: http://www.breakthecycle.org/ Older adults: National Clearinghouse on Abuse in Later Life: http://www.ncall.us/ Institute on Domestic Violence in the African American Community: http://www.idvaac.org/ Asian Pacific Institute on Gender-Based Violence: http://www.api-gbv.org// DAWN: Emerging as a Safer Deaf Community: http://deafdawn.org/ The Initiative: Abuse Free Culture for All Victims with disabilities: http://www.dviforwomen.org/

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PART II AM I BEING ABUSED? “Truths and roses have thorns about them.” —Henry David Thoreau[XVII] “I still love him,” she told Susi, as if she were confessing something disgusting. “You’re allowed to still love him.” “I’m going crazy,” she told her. “You’re working through it,” said Susi, and she listened patiently as Celeste talked through every misdemeanor for which Perry had punished her . . .” —Liane Moriarty, Big Little Lies[XVIII] This begins our identification of what coercive control looks like. It may be painful to remind ourselves of what we experienced. However, we have to own our stories to grow beyond them. Naming what happened is the first step. • Chapter 3—Calling It by the Correct Name • Chapter 4—Bricks in the Coercive Control Wall • Chapter 5—Acknowledging Strengths • Resources

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

CHAPTER 3 CALLING IT BY THE CORRECT NAME “Submissiveness, then, is a personal quality which anyone, male or female, can develop in order to adjust to an inferior power relationship entered into by choice or by force. It is an adaptive behavior that is essentially neither ‘masculine’ nor ‘feminine’.” —Jane Roberts Chapman and Margaret Gates[XX]

The Power of Naming Coercive controllers are adept at camouflaging their behavior so that it’s invisible or confusing. They do this by blaming, justifying, and twisting facts. We can fill in the blanks of what we’ve experienced, but some I’ve often heard: • • • • • •

“You made me do this.” “It’s your fault.” “I’m doing this because I love you.” “I don’t mean to hurt you; you just make me so mad.” “You’re crazy; that’s not what I said.” “You’re the controlling one.”

We can maintain our perceptions of reality when we recognize what they’re doing. Seeing dominating behavior as the problem gives us more power, even if we’re not yet in a position to set limits. Understanding why we can never please our partners, try as we might, often comes as an “aha” moment, seeing the wizard emerge from behind the curtain. Leah’s partner continually called her a bitch and maintained strict control over her activities. For a long time, she believed his accusations that she was stupid and couldn’t do anything right. When she began working because of their money difficulties, Leah’s supervisor praised her organizational skills

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and quickly advanced her responsibilities. She began to view herself differently and gradually saw her partner’s behavior toward her as abusive. When Leah accepted blame for how her partner behaved, she could not see the real problem. Receiving new feedback about herself enabled her to perceive the inappropriate behavior. She possessed a clearer picture from which to decide what was best for her.

Definitions Some find the term “controlling behavior” more acceptable than abuse or violence. This book uses the terms “coercive control, power and control, terrorism, abuse, aggression, violence, and controlling behavior” interchangeably. I believe the label “coercive control” most accurately captures the essence of all types of abuse and prevents confusion with appropriate control. Evan Stark[XXI] defines it: “Coercive Control is a strategic course of conduct designed to retain privilege and establish domination in personal life based on fear, dependence, and the deprivation of basic rights and liberties.” We may feel reluctant to call our partners abusive or to use any of the above terms because they’ve reacted angrily to them. We also often feel embarrassed to name partner abuse, thinking their actions mean something about us. We may feel protective as well, because we still love them and worry what others will think. Since we use the term “control” in a variety of ways, it’s important to prevent misunderstanding by differentiating the term “control” from “coercive control.” Merriam-Webster’s definition of control: “to exercise restraining or directing influence over, to have power over, to reduce the incidence or severity of, especially to innocuous levels.” There are many instances where control is appropriate, such as traffic laws, parental rules, and personnel policies. These management strategies are in people’s or institutions’ best interests. They improve our lives and many times render us safer. However, control isn’t appropriate for intimate relationships. Intimacy should involve respect, negotiation, and compromise. We often consider partners’ input, but loving them doesn’t give them permission to over-rule our choices and interests. Controlling people use unreasonable expectations and consistent patterns of coercion to

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

get what they want, restricting freedom. These acts of power and control violate and disrespect us by using physical, sexual, economic, verbal, or emotional abuse. Controllers get what they want without respect for others’ rights. We don’t enter love relationships expecting these behaviors., and therefore, are more vulnerable with intimate abuse. Because our culture frequently fails to see verbal and emotional abuse as the crippling form of control that it is, Marti Tamm Loring’s definition is important.

Controlling people use unreasonable expectations and consistent patterns of coercion to get what they want, restricting freedom. These acts of power and control violate and disrespect by using physical, sexual, economic, verbal, or emotional abuse. Controllers get what they want without respect for others’ rights.

“Emotional abuse is an ongoing process in which one individual systematically diminishes and destroys the inner self of another. The essential ideas, feelings, perceptions, and personality characteristics of the victim are constantly belittled. Eventually the victim begins to experience these aspects of the self as seriously eroded . . .”[XXII] This captures the powerful effect we often miss. Every woman I’ve worked with says the harm they’ve suffered from emotional cruelty affected them longer than the physical harm (except lethal force). Verbal and emotional forms of control increase the probability of selfdoubt and submission, thereby lessening the need for physical abuse. However, when bodily harm occurs, it also batters our confidence.

Feeling Uncomfortable with the Term Victim When we think of ourselves as strong, we often react against terms such as “victim” and “battered woman or man,” thinking they signify weakness and therefore don’t apply to us. These labels indicate we’ve experienced abusive behavior, much like “cancer victim” denotes someone with that misfortune. We don’t choose to be victims, and it doesn’t mean we are weak. Partners willing to use whatever it takes to get their way victimize us. That inclination speaks about them, not us. 23

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We may look for why it happened to us, thinking everything happens for a reason and we must have some part in it. We also may say their behavior isn’t that bad and that we have problems too. It’s a strength to acknowledge that none of us is perfect, but whatever our flaws, nothing justifies being treated with disrespect and abuse. Think of it this way: would we claim our partners deserved abuse because of their faults? Notice any discomfort about naming, whatever the terms used. It’s a strength to Coercive control affects people of acknowledge that every race, class, gender, income none of us is perfect, level, and profession. We are all but whatever our vulnerable when an intimate partner flaws, nothing justifies chooses abusive behavior. Calling it being treated with what it is frees us from taking disrespect and abuse. responsibility for what isn’t ours to change. Reflection on Naming Coercive Control • • • • •

Victims of violence are often blamed as if they deserved what happened or could have prevented it. Notice whether you’ve gone along with the question “What did you do to cause this?” Reflect on what you’re responsible for versus what your partner does. You can fix your issues, but not theirs. Are you uncomfortable with the term “victim?” Remember that it refers to what has been done to you, whereas survivor refers to your strength and resilience. Observe what words you use to describe your partner’s actions. What terms are difficult for you to apply? Is this due to your discomfort or the other person’s denial? If you’re feeling anxious about what you’ve read, pace yourself before going on. Take time to relax and reflect.

Is It Coercive Control or Normal Fights? Let’s distinguish between coercive control and normal fighting. We may question whether we’re making things up, especially when we know we sometimes communicate in ways we aren’t proud of. Many of us ask something similar to Jesse’s questions. 24

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“I’ve used aggressive behavior. What about when I called them a name? I like to get my way, too. Am I just as controlling?” Those using coercion would like us to think so. It’s important to be clear about our behavior rather than relying on what they say. All aggressive communication is undesirable, but not all is coercive control. Keys to differentiating between them are motivation and accountability. • •

Is the motivation to force submission? To have power over the person? Or is it to stand up for our rights or defend ourselves? Is aggressive behavior justified and denied? Or is it acknowledged and apologized for? Are there efforts to make changes?

Some people get confused because they feel a higher need to be in charge of themselves and say things like “I have to be the driver,” or “I like things done my way.” This may indicate a need to work on respectful limits, but it’s not the same as abuse unless coercion is present. A need to manage and take charge may stem from experiencing trauma in the past. In these cases, wanting to be in control is mostly about making sure you have control over yourself, not others. Firstborn children also tend to take charge. A key element to notice is whether there is respect for others’ rights. Another clue lies in having a consistent pattern of violations. There is a vast difference between repeated coercive control that people refuse to be accountable for and aggressive communication that occurs rarely and that the person acknowledges and works to change. The following two couples illustrate this distinction. Dan became angry at his girlfriend Sue for forgetting their previous plans and choosing to go out with a friend. She apologized, but he called her a “bitch,” slammed the door, and left the house. When Dan returned, he said he was sorry and talked with Sue about how he took it personally because it resembled a past experience. This became a discussion of how much space each needed and how they could manage conflict and misunderstanding more constructively. Jack became enraged when his girlfriend Angie forgot that he had asked her to go with him to his brother’s concert. Even though Angie apologized for making other plans, Jack exploded, called her “cunt,” threw her favorite mug against the wall, and left saying she’d pay for this. When he came back, he said, “your lack of consideration shows you don’t love me” and gave her the 25

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silent treatment. Angie canceled with her friends after hours of this. From then on, Jack called Angie “selfish” whenever she wanted to go out with others. What contrasts do you see between the two couples? Evaluate whether the following strengths were present: • • • • • •

Ability to acknowledge aggressive communication or mistakes, Acceptance of responsibility for behavior, Acknowledgement that aggressive behavior is undesirable, Recognition of each person’s needs, Tolerance for differences in needs or wants, and Respect for each other.

These healthy characteristics differentiate patterns of power and control from unhealthy communication. Knowing the difference helps in detecting behavior that is used to maintain dominance.

Pitfalls of Giving Them the Benefit of the Doubt The ability to give people the benefit of the doubt backfires with partners who use coercion. Because we find it hard to reconcile their coercive behavior with love, we often think some variation of: “If I could just explain well enough . . . “If I was more constructive in how I said it . . . “If I show her how much it hurts . . .” “If I was a good enough _______ . . .” “If I could get him to understand how his behavior affects the kids . . . then they will get it and change.” It’s natural to assume that clarification will help, that they’ll see the light and alter how they treat us. However, if that doesn’t get results, it’s time to recognize that they feel entitled to their behavior. We may have grown up with familial acceptance of loud or aggressive ways of communicating. This should not be mistaken for coercion. When cultures use more excited language, they also expect this from everyone, rather than applying double standards that only limit one person’s expression.

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

When we’ve grown up in a family that accepts men’s dominance2, we may be used to benign forms, such as men who listen to their partners but make the final decisions. We may mistake dominators’ behavior until their disrespect, unfairness, and abusive acts become clear.

Entitlement to Power and Control Those who use abusive behavior choose it; they don’t “lose control.” Those who use Partners often treat us better when abusive behavior they think someone will hold them accountable, or they care about how choose it; they don’t others view them. Those few who are “lose control.” mentally incapable of controlling themselves aren’t able to discriminate who and when they abuse. If we think of coercive behavior as building a wall that limits our freedom, brick by brick, the mortar that binds it all together is their belief they have a right to power and control over us. They assume they should get what they want, regardless of our rights. Those who control exhibit a consistent pattern of these characteristics: • • • • • •

Coercive efforts to control our behavior, feelings, or opinions Disparagement when we disagree Placement of their needs ahead of ours Denial or justification of their behavior Blame and projection of responsibility Lack of empathy

When others don’t detect the power and control underpinnings, they often misunderstand or minimize. Cliff and Andy provide an example. Cliff complained during couples’ therapy that Andy was a spendthrift, always wanting to buy things. Their therapist asked questions to get more information. She wanted to know what kinds of expenditures he was complaining about, and whether he held himself to the same rules. In asking 2

Some grow up in religious traditions that teach men should be in charge. In that context, many women experience that as non-aggressive. 27

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about how they managed money, she learned that he bought expensive things for himself without talking it over or worrying about the budget. What she learned clarified that his complaints masked power and control dynamics. Andy was fortunate that their therapist knew to dig deeper instead of making assumptions. We may become frustrated when others don’t identify control or understand our lack of freedom. Their misunderstanding may contribute to second guessing ourselves. We may also feel too fearful of the consequences to correct them. Reflection on Whether the Relationship is Abusive •

•

Do you become confused about whether your partner’s behavior is abusive? It may help to use a journal or make a list of what happens. However, be careful to save this where they have no access—perhaps at work or at a friend’s house. Other possibilities are checking it out with someone trustworthy or comparing what’s happening to the Coercive Control Checklist in the next chapter. All these can help strengthen your confidence. Do you have concerns about how you communicate? If so, give yourself credit for acknowledging these issues and find a way to work on it. Does your partner take responsibility for their behavior or do they justify it?

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

CHAPTER 4 BRICKS IN THE COERCIVE CONTROL WALL The Pain of Examining the List This chapter may be especially difficult to read because it gives examples of abuse. Its detailed checklists can leave us feeling like literal bricks have landed on our chests, even if we’re not suffering from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD.) There are good reasons for this. Partitioning off what is happening instead of keeping it in our conscious awareness serves as a coping strategy that helps us function. We may not connect the incidents and meaning for some time because we just have to manage the crises at hand. This helps us not feel overwhelmed emotionally. However, this strategy may interfere with decision-making. For instance, many say they have trouble recalling how bad it was when their partners beg them to return. Some keep a journal of what happens so they can refer to it when they doubt their decisions. If we’ve ended the relationships, we may avoid any thoughts about To recover, we have what happened, thinking there is no to acknowledge what point in reliving it. I will emphasize we’ve experienced. later the importance of grieving in To recognize order to truly heal. For now, know the controlling people in plan is not to relive it, but to put it in the past for good. the future, we have To recover, we have to acknowledge to identify what to what we’ve experienced. To recognize look for. controlling people, we have to identify what to look for. This chapter should put to rest any questions you’ve had regarding whether you’ve suffered from coercive control. The Checklist serves as a written type 29

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of recounting. The unpleasant aspect of retelling what’s happened will pay dividends, but that makes it no less painful. Prepare yourself for reading the Coercive Control Checklist by using suggestions in the following Reflection Exercise. Reflection Before Reading the Checklist •

•

Decide the best time to read this Checklist. Consider whether doing it with a friend, relative, or therapist would be beneficial. Whether you do it alone or with someone else, use the affirmation below before and afterward. If you have meditation, yoga, or another practice that helps you center yourself, I suggest using it before beginning the list. If not, try focusing on your breathing for a minute or two. Do this whenever you need it. You will experience many emotions, all of them reasonable. Be compassionate instead of telling yourself you should be over it. You need to grieve the losses you feel. When someone you love chooses to harm you, your trust and respect for that person is damaged, at least until that person makes amends and changes. You can print this Checklist from the link on my Abuse and Trauma web page at www.jennifercparkermssw.com. You may find it helpful to privately check off any that occurred in your relationship. Take your time. Don’t hurry through this. You can do it in one sitting or spread it out since there are twelve types of control. If you become overwhelmed, stop, breathe, and use the affirmation. Be as compassionate and gentle with yourself as you would with a friend. Reach out for support. Affirmation: I deserve love and respect. I do not deserve abusive behavior. Abuse does not reflect upon me but upon the one who chooses it.

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

Introducing the Checklist The Coercive Control Checklist3 catalogs the variety of behavioral bricks that wall off freedom. The twelve types are labeled with the effect the behaviors have, underscoring how they erode our wellbeing. The list covers ten emotional and two physical types, with many examples listed under each. The two physical lists always bring emotional harm as well. The lists aren’t exhaustive; an “other” line allows adding behaviors we’ve experienced. Change details to fit your experiences (they didn’t limit contact with family but did with friends, for instance.) Many coercive behaviors also have more than one effect. The twelve bricks of coercive control are: • • • • • • • • • • • •

Seduction Isolation Devaluation Negation Neglect Alienation from Children Betrayal Self-doubt Humiliation Intimidation Physical injury Sexual injury

I identify the impacts of coercive control in the “Why Do I Feel Crazy?” chapters. The “Why Do They Hurt Us?” chapters will examine why intimate partners choose to exercise power and control. As you read each list, check off or write any that your partner or former partner has done. The checklist can also be downloaded from www.jennifercparkermssw.com.

I have drawn on my clinical experience and the checklists and charts contributed by the following: Susan Schechter and Ann Jones in When Love Goes Wrong (1993), the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project’s Power and Control Wheel, Biderman’s Chart of Coercion as well as adaptations for IPV by Diana Russell in Rape in Marriage and Ginny NiCarthy in Getting Free, Dr. Richard A. Gardner’s book The Parental Alienation Syndrome: A Guide for Mental Health and Legal Professionals, and Dr. Amy J.L. Baker’s “Parental Alienation Syndrome — The Parent/Child Disconnect” in Social Work Today (Vol. 8 No. 6 P. 26). Links to various Power and Control wheels are contained in the Appendix. 31

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COERCIVE CONTROL CHECKLIST Bricks of Seduction Seductive behaviors often initially look harmless. Because of the frequency, context, and motivation, they gradually infringe on freedom. Conduct that seduces:

These behaviors act like quicksand, pulling us into the mire of abuse.

Giving feedback that becomes intrusive because they want to be “helpful” Shopping so you “don’t have to go out” Discouraging efforts to work because “I’ll take care of you” or “Don’t you think I’m capable of supporting us?” Claiming they are jealous because “they love you” Calling constantly at work because of “worry” about you Picking out clothes and other possessions that “look good” on you Transporting you to work or other activities so that other people “don’t hit on you” Expecting you to spend all your time with them by saying “Don’t you love me?” or “Don’t you want to be with me?” Manipulating you into doing things for them because “they can’t do it as well” Taking care of all financial transactions so that “you don’t have to concern yourself” Other: Seductive forms of control creep into a relationship and gradually escalate. The love and attachment we feel cause us initially to give them the benefit of the doubt. Others may also have difficulty identifying its inappropriateness. In addition, we’re often hooked by controllers who take advantage of our insecurities.4 We don’t expect the person closest to us to manipulate our anxieties so may not initially recognize what they’re doing. 4

The What Can I Change? chapters illustrate many examples of this.

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

These behaviors act like quicksand, pulling us into the mire of abuse. The coercion often increases gradually so we accept behavior we never would have early on.

Bricks of Isolation When we’re isolated, we have limited contact with others, making the controllers’ perceptions and expectations dominant. This feeds their power and makes it easier to brainwash us, meaning control how we think. Isolation results when we experience: Limiting or preventing contact with family or friends Picking a fight when you are leaving for work or a leisure activity Accusing you of being unloving, selfish, or unfaithful when you see friends or family Claiming outside interests are evidence of disloyalty and lack of caring Preventing you from meeting work responsibilities, which leads to being disciplined or fired Interrogating you after you engage in activities about who you saw and what you did Fighting with you over social conversations because they say you’re flirting Requiring you to ask permission before leaving Spreading lies that cause others to reject or shun you Telling you to stay away from people because they are not trustworthy Lying about what others say about you Monitoring your social media for posts they don’t like Deleting friend contacts from your phone Other: Technology unfortunately makes it easier for abusers to isolate us. Partners may force digital passwords from us or hack into our devices. Digital monitoring of our social media and smart phones results in making it harder to contact friends and family. Their intrusions into

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our privacy often result in increased abuse when they don’t like what they We often give up our see. We may stop using social media efforts to see others to avoid harassment, leading to because of the price further isolation. We often give up our efforts to see we pay, even if that others because of the price we pay, means cutting off even if that means cutting off family, family, friends, and friends, and interests. This usually interests. This usually appears voluntary to others. They don’t see how psychologically appears voluntary to exhausting it is to maintain our rights. others. They don’t We may say something like “They see how hammer on me until I can’t take it psychologically anymore and it’s just easier to give in.” We form our own perspectives exhausting it is to when we interact with friends, family, maintain our rights. or coworkers. Jobs or other activities outside the home give us opportunities to learn about ourselves, which can help generate greater strength in resisting a controlling partner’s views. This explains why abusers often block these endeavors; they know they’ll have less control.

Bricks of Devaluation Devaluation involves destructive criticism and belittling comments. Constructive feedback is reasonable and respectful; it gives us an opportunity to grow. Disparaging remarks attack our confidence, creating self-doubt and altering how we see ourselves. We become depreciated when we experience: Criticizing your physical or mental characteristics (you’ll never get anywhere looking like that; you’re not smart enough) Picking apart your accomplishments Correcting everything you say Couching compliments with criticism (this is the first good meal you’ve made) Name-calling Belittling you in front of friends and family or through social media 34

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Calling your personal wants or needs selfish Accusing you of being hysterical and out of control when you complain or try to discuss an issue Making fun of your opinions or spiritual beliefs Other: Over time, devaluation increases our guardedness and can inhibit our receptivity to others’ feedback. It may become difficult to accept constructive comments and even compliments. Devaluation also affects our morale, even when we don’t believe what they say. We may live with a sense of injustice and spend a lot of energy defending ourselves.

Bricks of Negation Negation is the opposite of acknowledgement and acceptance. It results from having our perceptions, feelings, needs, and opinions denied and invalidated by: Denying what they did and claiming you are too sensitive or that you’re making it up. Lying to others about what happened Interrupting or talking over you when there are disagreements Refusing to recognize your personal needs, such as clothing or sleep Talking about you as if you are not there Walking away when you’re speaking Ignoring what you said Shaming you for what you believe Changing plans at the last minute, which disrupts yours, intentionally or not Attributing your accomplishments to luck or to someone else Other: This leads to feeling invisible and like we don’t matter. Combined with isolation, these behaviors increase the likelihood we will question our perceptions and judgments, even sometimes our sanity. We are more vulnerable to this if we’ve received negating behavior during childhood because we begin relationships with eroded confidence.

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Bricks of Neglect In intimate relationships, we expect love, caring, emotional support, respect, and consideration. We feel neglected and abandoned when partners or ex-partners: Give silent treatment Withhold money Conceal information, preventing you from making plans (e.g. not telling you when the kids are being dropped off) Ignore requests Deny or restrict clothing, food, and other necessities Fail to give emotional support (e.g. when a parent dies) Disregard your accomplishments Promise to do something and then deny they did Prevent you from spending money or time on your interests Other: These behaviors deepen the sense that we don’t matter. Neglect may be the norm or they may use it as punishment whenever we do not bow to what they want. When children experience neglect, they are at increased risk for poor self-esteem and confidence, depression, and anxiety throughout their lives unless they have corrective experiences, such as other caring adults or therapy.

Bricks of Betrayal Betrayal involves exploiting the trust and goodwill in an intimate relationship. By definition, intimacy involves vulnerability. Marriages and partnerships, dating relationships, and friendships should be egalitarian with respect and equal power. Our dependence upon them for support, honest feedback, acceptance, and love leads to feeling betrayed when we experience: Threats to leave if you don’t give in to what they want Calling your needs selfish while claiming theirs as rights Using your confidences to ridicule or put you down later 36

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Lying to others about you Changing commitments or decisions without your input Refusing to acknowledge concerns you voice Making decisions that affect both of you without your input Setting double standards for your behavior and theirs Breaking promises Requiring you to ask permission but doing what they want without considering you Withholding financial or other important information Generating debt without your permission Creating separate financial accounts for joint money without your name Neglecting all responsibilities for the family Limiting spending on personal necessities because you don’t make as much money Questioning all your expenditures but buying anything they want Refusing to contribute money for household expenses Insisting on actions that humiliate you Hacking into your social media or phone Using smart home appliances to harass you (change door-lock codes, thermostat, lights) Using social media to blame or accuse you Threatening to seek sex outside the relationship whenever you decline to be sexual Other: The misuse of our vulnerability shows a sense of entitlement and a willingness to exploit close relationships to gain an unfair advantage. We will explore this further in “Why Do They Hurt Us?” chapters. These behaviors violate our sense of fairness. We puzzle over why loved ones treat us like this and look for a reason. However, the deeper harm comes if we think something is wrong with us and we’re unlovable. Controllers encourage this. Our beliefs about what is fair may differ, but we know when we’re not experiencing love. For instance, some people believe males are the head of the household and have the final say, but they don’t condone disrespect and injustice. We experience betrayal and abuse whenever they violate our cultural values of respect and justice. 37

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Bricks of Alienation from Children “Parental alienation is a set of strategies that a parent uses to foster a child’s rejection of the other parent. Parental alienation syndrome develops in children who come to hate, fear, and reject the targeted parent as someone unworthy of having a relationship with them.” —Dr. Amy J.L. Baker[XXIII] These behaviors profoundly affect our well-being, even though they are not directed immediately at us. We have powerful bonds with our children and experience deep grief if anything comes between them and us. Many victims of this would say this was the most devastating wound they experienced. Besides the hurt we feel, we also ache for how it’s affecting our children. Examples:

Many victims of this would say this was the most devastating wound they experienced.

Putting you down in front of the children Not allowing children to have any pictures of you Belittling any gifts or clothing you give so that children reject even those they like Forbidding the child to talk about you Withdrawing their love and approval from a child when they show any attachment to you Telling your children lies about you Saying you don’t love the child or you are dangerous Confiding inappropriate information to the child Demanding children keep secrets from you Encouraging the child to use your first name instead of mom or dad Forcing children to reject you or choose between you, threatening not to see them if they don’t Questioning the child about your activities or conspiring with them to spy on you Referring to a new stepparent or significant other as “mom” or “dad” and expecting the child to do so 38

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Withholding medical, academic, and other important information from you Changing the child’s name Undermining your parenting authority by telling children they don’t have to mind and going against discipline Cultivating dependency on them by telling children to check with them before they do any activities with you Telling children they are not safe with you Limiting contact with your children Interfering with your communication with the children (e.g. playing with them when they’re on the phone or Skype, refusing to allow them to call) Preventing you from accessing your children’s devices for safety monitoring Refusing to follow family court agreements Taking you to court falsely alleging claims of parental alienation or other misdeeds Other: Children are vulnerable to this manipulation. Their dependence upon the abusive parent promotes their acceptance of what they are told. They often believe what they hear and report it as their own opinion. Children often deny any pleasant experiences or memories of the parent they have become alienated from. They may act aggressively toward us during visitation. Children do not have the maturity to express what is happening. The sole comfort may be that they feel comfortable enough with you to do so. They cannot safely express confusion or anger at the abusive parent. This brainwashing of innocent and malleable children can be very difficult to fight. If it’s happening to you, I encourage reading the books and articles cited in endnotes and under Resources. It’s important to find attorneys and psychologists with knowledge about this as well. Often children’s behavior mimics the abusive parent. It is vital to respond as a parent rather than as if you’re dealing with the abuser. Make it clear how they can express their emotions appropriately. Open the door to hearing about what they are feeling. State your position without putting down the other parent. Avoid getting drawn into putting them in the middle. This is admittedly very difficult to navigate. Remind yourself that this isn’t coming from them; they are being manipulated by their other parent. Being alienated from a parent is a grave injury for them. 39

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Seek therapeutic help in how to best handle this challenging situation. Experts can assist in how to best respond to children’s emotions and behaviors. It hurts when children seem to reject or hate us. If this is happening, it is vital to find support from those who help you not take their behavior personally. Continuing to be a good parent is the best antidote we can supply.

Bricks Creating Self-doubt “When it {gaslighting} happens within a romantic relationship, imagine the person you’re supposed to feel safest and happiest with, spinning you around, until you can’t breathe, or get your bearings. Now imagine that happening all the time.” —Barbara Ellen, The Guardian[XXIV] Behavior that refutes reality, twists facts, and accuses falsely creates self-doubt. The 1944 movie of the same name popularized the term “gaslight”. This form of emotional abuse causes us to question our reality. Shea Emma Fett[XXV] says that gaslighting is manipulation with the goal of changing who someone is by causing them to question their sanity. We doubt our perceptions and feel crazy, especially when there are also Negating, Devaluing, and Isolating tactics. Examples: Shifting responsibility for their behavior to you (e.g. they would not be unfaithful, drink, abuse you if you did not ________) Threatening suicide and saying you’d be responsible Blaming you for something you have no control over Accusing you of things you do not do Claiming that abusive behavior only occurs with you, so you’re the problem Insisting something never happened or saying you imagine things Twisting what you say (e.g. when you complain about unfairness in workload, the person accuses you of not wanting to contribute) Acting like what you say does not make sense Insisting your memory is faulty Responding to your concerns with accusations regarding something unrelated Telling lies about what others have said Changing your passwords and then claiming you are losing your memory 40

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Blocking access to bank accounts, claiming you can’t manage money Quoting the Bible or other spiritual sources to justify their abusive behavior Other: Coercive controllers engage in these behaviors with conviction, It’s difficult to sounding very convincing. It’s believe someone difficult to believe someone who says they love us would behave like this, who says they love and this is what they count on. The us would behave like normal response is to take it seriously this, and this is what by looking for what we missed. Fett[XXVI] identifies three stages of they count on. The gaslighting. First, we know what normal response is to they’re saying is ridiculous and argue take it seriously by with them. Next, we consider their point of view and worry about what it looking for what we means about us, and we also try to get have missed. them to see our viewpoint. Last, we consider what they say as normal and lose the ability to trust our own judgments. Besides eroding our confidence about what we know, they may damage others’ opinions of us. This sometimes leads to people unwittingly colluding with partners because they can’t see how reality is being twisted. We will examine responses to these behaviors in Chapter 40.

Bricks of Humiliation Though all forms of abuse result in survivors feeling humiliated, this list includes behaviors whose primary intention is humiliation, such as: Making fun of your body Comparing you to pornographic or sexually explicit pictures Telling derogatory jokes about you Having a verbal or physical altercation in public Telling information that was meant to be private Deriding your decisions, opinions, or intelligence in front of others Insisting you dress in ways that make you feel uncomfortable 41

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Posting embarrassing things about you on social media, true or untrue Making crude sexual comments about you in private or in front of others Staring at private areas of your body Forcing you to do something that feels disgusting Other: Being humiliated undermines our self-respect. We often feel we should be able to prevent it, and when we cannot, it brings a sense of shame. This especially cuts us coming from a partner. When abusers make private matters a public spectacle, it shames and isolates us, increasing the sense of being trapped. We begin to think their behavior reflects on us and fear that others think we deserve this treatment. This inhibits us from reaching out for help, further narrowing our options.

Bricks of Intimidation Controllers use actions or threats of actions to make it clear we are not safe. These include: Threatening to: • Make up offenses such as child abuse • Report you to authorities for immigration status • Disclose private matters or tell lies • Kill or hurt you, someone else, or pets, • Use weapons • Force sex or seek sex with someone else Throwing objects in your direction Body-checking (using their body to bump/shove/restrict your movements) Blocking the door to keep you from exiting or entering Making threatening gestures or facial expressions, such as clenched fists Screaming in your face Standing too close Driving recklessly Destroying possessions Hurting or killing a pet Refusing to leave when asked 42

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Preventing or interrupting sleep Breaking important items of yours Sexual comments or harassment Stalking Using smart phones or other electronic devices to track your activities Other: Even when there has never been physical abuse, their behavior and demeanor make it clear that we won’t be safe if we don’t give in. Intimidation works because it is natural to avoid anything that would hurt us. When there has been past physical abuse, threats are even more effective because there is a higher probability of it happening. Incidents of violence with others also increase the power of intimidating behavior because they have proven they are capable of harmful acts.

Bricks of Physical Injury Physical violence includes a broad range of behaviors that vary in seriousness. However, they all make it more likely we will give in. Examples: Hitting with objects Pulling hair Kicking Pushing and shoving Burning or cutting Tripping Slapping Hitting with a fist Beating Choking Using a knife, gun, or other weapons Other: It only takes one act of violence to alter how we respond to that person forever. Regardless of how serious the injury, we will avoid displeasing them again, especially if we feel trapped and unable to leave.

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Physical violence often escalates. The behaviors that are lifethreatening cause us to fear death, but all violence increases our fear that it will escalate to that level. Non-physical controlling behaviors also may escalate. They demoralize us. We often know that even when there has been no physical violence, there would be if the abuser feels threatened by loss of control. Sometimes controllers become physical only after we leave or make plans to divorce. Pay attention to your fear; you’re the best person to know how much danger exists.

Bricks of Sexual Injury Relationships contaminated by sexual force pierce us to the core. There are many ways they can violate us. We have trouble making sense of how partners can abuse the love and trust we’ve placed in them when they:

Everyone has a right to say no and to exercise control over their own bodies. If we can’t say no—if we have no choice— there is no consent.

Grab private areas of the body Use guilt to manipulate for sex Treat you as a sex object instead of a loved one Compare you to pornography Pressure to have sex in ways you’re not comfortable with Force sex with others Post sexual pictures of you without permission Use objects to hurt you sexually Rape you Other:

Because our relationships include loving memories, many hesitate to call non-consensual sex “rape” and abusers reinforce this, claiming it’s our duty. They often guilt us by saying we don’t love them or we’re hurting them by not complying. Their needs are always more important than ours. Being forced to be sexual shuts off our receptivity and desire. Everyone has a right to say no and to exercise control over their own bodies. If we can’t say no—if we have no choice—there is no consent.

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Sexual harassment dampens our usual receptivity to partners. This becomes a vicious circle when abusers blame us for our lack of interest. We may even blame ourselves when we haven’t realized we’re being abused. When forced to have sex, this deepens shame, helplessness, and hopelessness. These emotions can cause depression and sometimes thoughts of harming ourselves. We also may be more likely to seek coping strategies that numb our pain, such as over-eating or alcohol and drug abuse or addiction. Angela Browne’s research[XXVII] documents that battered women who experience sexual violence from their partners are also statistically more likely to kill their abusers. Survivors resort to these acts when they feel hopeless and perceive that nothing else will stop the abuse.

Avoid Comparisons Observe whether you’re tempted to compare your experience with others in ways that minimize. Often clients confess doubts or say their abuse was not that bad because their experience did not include physical abuse. Some of us know friends who also experience abusive relationships and have not confronted their partners, so we wonder if all relationships are like this. Many have thoughts like: “What I experienced was not as bad as ______.” “That person has it a lot worse than I do.” “If I’m hurting like this and did not even experience what they did, there must be something wrong with me.” “If that person can put up with that, I should not complain.” Comparisons miss the point and devalue our experiences. There is not All coercive control one type of controlling behavior that is less emotionally harmful. All coercive should be taken control should be taken seriously seriously because it because it results in long term psychological and physical effects. We results in long term should not tie our choices to what psychological and others do; each of us has our own unique circumstances and path of physical effects. coming to terms with abuse. Instead of emphasizing differences, look for the common effects we share. All coercive control has predictable consequences. Common ones are: 45

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Battered self-esteem Confusion Self-doubt Depression Anxiety Avoidance of conflict The next chapter explains the motivations behind these behaviors. We will explore how we’re affected more fully in the “Why Do I Feel Crazy?” section. Reflection After Reading the Checklist •

• •

•

Notice how it felt to read this checklist. Many feel fatigued or queasy when they review the full extent of coercion they’ve experienced. Take care of yourself. Take whatever time you need before proceeding. Do some writing if that is helpful to you to explore your thoughts as well as your emotions. Talk to someone about them if that is better. Notice if you’re comparing what happened and minimizing your abuse. Focus on how you were affected, rather than comparing stories. Think about the similarities in how everyone is touched by control. You may find it useful to write a letter you do not send expressing your feelings. Listening to ourselves can be healing, similar to having someone else hear and validate us. Putting it on paper or in print often helps us clarify what we feel. Be mindful of keeping it safe from your partner’s eyes. Password protect any documents you create and keep any journals in safe places, perhaps away from home.

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

CHAPTER 5 ACKNOWLEDING STRENGTHS “I learned a long time ago the wisest thing I can do is be on my own side, be an advocate for myself and others like me.” —Maya Angelou

Recognizing Self-protection Strategies After we awaken to the coercive control we’ve experienced, we often search for why it happened. We often blame ourselves for not recognizing red flags or saying no—as if we are responsible for what they chose. This leads us further down the slope of feeling bad about ourselves. We will look at the actual answers to why later in the “Why Do They Think They Should Control?” chapters. It’s important to recognize the strengths we had all along. We need to Acknowledging what we have done recognize our to protect ourselves and to find solutions affirms how resourceful we assertiveness are. When we only focus on the blocks regardless of the to our efforts, we forget our strong blocking responses points. We need to recognize our assertiveness regardless of the we receive. blocking responses we receive. Sometimes professionals don’t help us with this. They may have a narrow definition of assertive behavior. Some point to “learned helplessness” as the reason we remain in abusive relationships. They misapply this psychological term when what we have done to stop or escape from abuse goes unrecognized. When coercive controllers or gaps in resources (such as housing, job training, or knowledgeable helpers) block our efforts, this does not negate that we tried. We need to recognize our assertiveness regardless of the blocking responses we receive. Many of us take on 47

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society’s victim-blaming and fault ourselves without giving proper recognition to all we have done. Common strategies we use with equally common responses that block us: •

Appealing to the Controller to stop

Over the years, Tina complained, bought books on controlling relationships to convince her partner, and sought help from their parents. Adrian’s response was at best to blame or ignore her, and at worst to escalate the abuse. •

Confiding in family or friends and not receiving understanding or help

Gertrude confided in her mother and best friend. They expressed disbelief that her partner would treat her this way and questioned what she was doing wrong. •

Going for individual or marital counseling

When Jordan agreed to go for help with Austin, the therapist they saw focused on Jordan’s accusations and blame rather than identifying the abuse. •

Attempts to leave or get help that the controller blocks

Lana left after her partner beat her and denied medical help. Logan traced her whereabouts and forced her back to their home. •

Calling the police or getting a restraining order with no consequences

Casey called the police and received a restraining order, but it was repeatedly violated without there being an arrest. •

Seeking separation or divorce to protect the children

Nancy reported to Family Court Services that her partner harassed and emotionally abused her and the children, but the counselor recommended 50/50 custody. She dropped the divorce because she felt she could protect the kids better if she stayed.

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When we end an intimate relationship, it usually involves a long process of trying to make it work and gradually losing hope that things will change for the better. It often takes planning before we can leave safely. It is important to recognize each step toward making changes or leaving. We will shine more recognition on this in the last section of chapters.

Kindling Hope Knowing about helpful resources feeds hope, but we may be least likely to know they exist. The necessity of devoting all our attention to dealing with the chaos of abuse narrows our focus and cuts us off from potential allies. Domestic abuse agencies are excellent sources of information for what is available in your communities. Hope opens the door to seeing possibilities. When we don’t perceive When we don’t any options, then in effect, there are no options. That’s what many people perceive any options, cannot understand. If we are in the then in effect, there wilderness of abuse, feeling helpless are no options. to cross the river to freedom, having a bridge downstream does us no good if we don’t know it exists. Being connected to others who understand and encourage us is one of the most important avenues for developing hope. They can let us know of the “bridges” that exist across our “rivers” and support us in making choices. We may also receive courage and solace from inspirational and spiritual sources like books, classes, and religious services. All these founts support our ability to decide what is best for us. “How Do I Move Forward?” chapters will focus on this in more depth. Reflection Supporting Hope •

•

Identify the strengths and resilience you’ve shown with your efforts to address the controlling behavior. Give yourself credit for these attempts to live abuse free. You are not responsible for any roadblocks set in your path. It takes courage to take all steps, no matter how small they seem to you. Giving this attention is like watering a plant; it sustains hope and faith in yourself. Who or what is a source of hope for you? See if you can increase the time you spend with that person or resource.

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RESOURCES Books for All Survivors • • • • • • •

When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Can’t Do Anything Right by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter (New York: HarperPerennial, 1992) Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life by Ginny NiCarthy, (Seattle, WA: Seal Press, 1997) Police Wife: The Secret Epidemic of Police Domestic Violence by Alex Roslin (Sugar Hill Books, 2017) Surviving Parental Alienation: A Journey of Hope and Healing by Amy J. L. Baker, Ph.D. & Paul R. Fine, LCSW (Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, 2014) Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages by Susan Weitzman, Ph.D. (New York: Basic Books, 2000) Rape in Marriage by Diana Russell (Bloomington & Indianapolis: Indiana University Press, 1990) Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans (Avon, MA: Adams Media Corporation, 2002)

African American Survivors •

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Battle Cries: Black Women and Intimate Partner Abuse, Hillary Potter (New York: New York University Press, 2008) Based on intensive interviews with 40 African American women, examination of their experiences with intimate partner abuse, the methods used to contend with abusive mates, and the immediate and enduring consequences. Chain Chain Change: For Black Women in Abusive Relationships, Evelyn C. White. (Emeryville, CA.: Seal Press, 1985) Offering practical information for African-American women in physically or emotionally abusive relationships.

LGBTQ Survivors •

Naming the Violence: Speaking Out About Lesbian Battering edited by Kerry Lobel for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Lesbian Task Force (Seattle, WA: Seal Press, 1986)

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•

Transgressed: Intimate Partner Violence in Transgender Lives by Xavier L. Guadalupe-Diaz (New York: New York University Press, 2019)

Books for Family and Friends •

Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women by Susan Brewster (Emeryville, CA: Seal Press, 2006) Written by a survivor.

Web Download for Parental Alienation •

Google this title and you will find a Pdf download: “Beyond the High Road: Responding to 17 Parental Alienation Strategies” Amy J. L. Baker, Ph.D. and Paul R. Fine, LCSW, May 2008.

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PART III WHY DO THEY HURT US? “Love is an action, never simply a feeling.” —Bell Hooks “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” —Maya Angelou These chapters focus on the beliefs that explain partners’ behavior and the help they need. We can better protect ourselves when we know what we’re dealing with. • • • • •

Chapter 6—Recognizing the Cnake in the Grass Chapter 7—Dominance Beliefs Chapter 8—Factors that Influence Severity Chapter 9—Treatment Resources

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CHAPTER 6 IDENTIFYING THE SNAKE IN THE GRASS “Our disasters come from letting nothing live for itself, from the longing we have to pull everything, even friends, into ourselves, and let nothing alone.” —Robert Bly[XXVIII]

Identifying Their Beliefs If we describe someone as “a snake in the grass,” we mean they are treacherous because they seem to be your friend while harming you. This phrase[XXIX] referring to a hidden danger fits coercive controllers. Partners often attract us with wonderful qualities, but we later experience their dark sides. The great things may disappear, as if they’ve shed that skin. Or, they may continue to show those traits intermittently or with other people. The puzzle of this, and the incongruity of abusive behavior coming from loved ones, confuses us. Assuming they have the right to manage and direct our lives may happen so gradually that we do not at first recognize what’s happening. We then suffer from the disastrous longing Bly refers to. These chapters offer protection. This information isn’t about trying to help them. If you haven’t done so already, fire yourself from this job. As they say in Al-Anon, “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.” Abusers manipulate our well-meaning efforts so we’re left holding the bag of change. We are often hooked by knowing about hurt aspects of their history that we think explain their behavior. Combine the compassion you have for their suffering with expectations they have to change their behavior. We often notice that helping them backfires onto us. Observe whether conversations shift from how they’ve hurt us to how they feel without taking responsibility for change. Examining their beliefs assists us in letting go of inappropriate selfblame and shame. Identifying their unhealthy set of rules and values clarifies why they behave the way they do. It helps us stop taking their 53

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behavior personally. We can better evaluate whether we want to ask them to change or whether we think it is hopeless to continue. This information also comes in handy if your partners agree to get help because you can see more clearly whether they truly are changing. Abuser treatment always focuses on learning new behavior before looking at any victimization they experienced. We’ll consider more about what to expect with treatment in Chapter 9.

Coercive Control Operating System Our beliefs and attitudes determine how we act. We all can think of times we behaved in ways we later regretted. When we don’t justify it but seek to learn from our mistakes, we do this because we have values like respect and equality that support that. The beliefs of abusive partners permit them to control us. If we aren’t Those who exercise aware of these, we may become controlling behavior trapped into their warped have an operating worldviews. Our needs, feelings, and system of dominance values become pre-empted by their perceptions of what is fair. They take and entitlement, and advantage of our willingness to be thus, what they emotionally vulnerable. We’re mean needs to be confused by their behavior and may become ensnared into assuming translated through blame if we don’t recognize their this belief system. assumptions or “operating systems” For instance, “I love are a product of unwholesome ideas. you” may carry To understand “operating system” as a metaphor, let’s look at how it different meanings applies with computers. Windows has for them than for us. a different operating system from McIntosh, so sharing documents between them requires a program that translates. Those who exercise controlling behavior have an operating system of dominance and entitlement, and thus, what they mean needs to be translated through this belief system. For instance, “I love you” may carry different meanings for them than for us. Leah learned that loving someone meant you cared about what was best for them and what their interests were. She tried to balance them with her own 54

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needs. Ansel claimed that she didn’t love him enough anytime she did something without him or when she had different views. Leah understood that he only believed she cared when he got his way. She grew weary of having to give in all the time. When we first see evidence that they have some questionable views, we often give them the benefit of the doubt, as acknowledged in Chapter 3. We do this partly because we assume our partners share certain norms for love relationships, such as caring about what’s important to us. As they claim rights and privileges without regard for our needs, our first thoughts may be “Am I being unreasonable?” Or, “Did I do something wrong?” Abusive partners use this healthy ability to question ourselves to get what they want, further confusing us. We try to get them to understand our points of view, but eventually we ask something like, “How can they say they love me but hurt me so badly?” It is painful to realize when our intimate partners are operating from a set of values that permit coercive control. Painful, but it’s also empowering. It frees us from the trap of confusion and self-doubt. Knowing how they behave has nothing to do with us provides the emotional space to focus on what we want and need. We can then better evaluate whether there is any hope of living with them. The next chapter illustrates beliefs of dominance and entitlement that permit power and control tactics. Partners often aren’t conscious of these beliefs, but their behavior shows that mental software is operating in the background. Other times, they acknowledge them without apology, believing in their entitlement. Reflection on Values and Beliefs • •

Have you ever felt like you and your partner are speaking a different language or have different expectations? Identify values you and your partner seem to agree on. Think about whether your partner’s actions and words differ from yours when it comes to demonstrating these values. Are there double standards for your behavior versus theirs?

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CHAPTER 7 DOMINANCE BELIEFS “Control and trust are diametrically opposed and inextricably linked. We control to the extent that we mistrust the world. When we trust the world, we can feel safe enough to let go of much of our need to control.” —Dan Neuharth, If You Had Controlling Parents[XXX] “Predicting human behavior is really about recognizing the play from just a few lines of dialogue. It is about trusting that a character’s behavior will be consistent with his perception of the situation.” —Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear[XXXI] This chapter helps us “recognize the play” rather than getting caught in believing their distortions. We will address the following dominance beliefs: • • • • • • • •

I’m Entitled—My Needs and Wants Come First If I Am Not in Control, I Am Being Controlled I Control You Because I Love You Your Needs/Wants/Feelings/Opinions Are Not Legitimate My Way is the Right Way I’m Okay; You’re not Okay You Made Me Hurt You I Must Do Whatever It Takes to Maintain Control

These beliefs relate to one another and fit together like puzzle pieces. We may not identify all in our relationships or we may see variations in how partners express them.

I’m Entitled: My Needs and Wants Come First Those who control stake their self-esteem on being dominant. They only feel okay about themselves when they get their way. They feel 56

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vulnerable otherwise and react to this defensively with anger and increased control. Pat wanted to help her mother to recover from surgery. This meant leaving home for a few days, and her partner Rick would have to take care of the children’s needs during that time. He said she was being selfish in putting her mother ahead of her family and expecting him to “babysit.” Pat tried reasoning that her mother had helped out after she gave birth, but he called her a bitch and told the children she was deserting them. Rick sees his wife through the distorted lens of what he wants considering no one else. This example illustrates a “me-first” mentality that does not value others’ rights. When controllers don’t get submission, they react with aggressive behavior. Partners with this mindset confuse their wants with needs, making it a catastrophe when they feel dissatisfied. They see others as “being selfish” and “not caring” about them. These words are in quotes because I’ve often heard clients report this type of verbal abuse. Reasoning with them doesn’t change their minds. When we’ve experienced repeated entitlement from our partners, we may vacillate between feeling guilty when we do things for ourselves and resentment at the injustices. Controlling partners may also put their desires over their children’s emotional and physical needs. Or, they may project that the children’s wants or needs are the same as theirs. Dan and Jan’s relationship deteriorated after their son was born. She felt confused when he complained about the baby taking so much of her time. This led to many fights because he claimed she spoiled their son and neglected him. Jan felt confused because Dan was an elementary teacher and displayed empathy toward others. She found herself on edge and doubting her judgment. Dan illustrates intolerance for allowing someone else’s needs, even a child’s, to take precedence. He also confuses his child’s needs with what he wants. Dan may only expect to get his way at home, but he may also carry this emotional blindness into relationships with friends, coworkers, and students. Narcissistic is another descriptive term for those who act entitled. They often cover up self-centeredness by focusing on your deficiencies, whether real or imagined. Implying problems with Jan’s mothering carried extra weight since Dan worked with children. He abused her trust in his opinions. Controllers may also seem to agree but then do whatever they want. 57

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Taylor and Steve have different needs in terms of time. They tried compromising on when they would leave for events but found that Steve never kept the agreements made. He always reverted to the time he wanted and referred to complaints as “nagging.” When this happens consistently, we feel as if we don’t matter, at least to our partners. We lose ourselves if we always give in to keep the peace, since devoting all attention to meeting their needs results in letting go of what we want, feel, and think. Such narcissistic and negating behavior communicates a view that “you don’t exist separate from me; your needs should be my needs.” If we seethe with resentment, this also costs us. An enigma for many controllers lies in having to be dominant over us to feel secure but also depending upon us for love and caring. This means their security comes at a cost to our sense of wellbeing, inevitably undermining how we feel about them. Their belief that they have to keep their power over us interferes with closeness. We do not feel like being intimate when we don’t receive respect and caring. However, coercive partners don’t perceive that their behavior is responsible; instead, they blame us for being cold or uncaring. Reflection on Entitlement • • •

If your partner believes they’re entitled, how does that affect you? If you stand up for your needs and wants, does this result in an escalation and more abuse? If so, how does this affect you? Notice whether you have gradually given up on voicing what you want. If so, journal about this.

Healthy Belief: No one gets their way all the time, but when we compromise and focus on balancing both of our needs, the relationship wins.

If I Am Not in Control, I Am Being Controlled Jane went back to work after several years caring for their children. She received positive feedback from her supervisor, who quickly promoted her to a more responsible position. She shared her success with her husband Ray and felt surprised he didn’t express happiness. When Jane expressed an opinion later, he reacted angrily and accused her of being arrogant since her 58

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promotion. Ray began saying she was trying to control him whenever she gave her viewpoint. The power over mind frame assumes that someone must be in control even in intimate relationships. Ray shows the toxic results of this belief that there has to be a power war between partners. Taking this into consideration helps make sense of why Ray made sure Jane didn’t feel good about herself when she was successful at work. When Jane was a homemaker, this didn’t trigger his insecurity, but he viewed accomplishments at work as a demonstration of her wish to dominate or compete. Ray reacted (probably unconsciously) from an assumption that his control at home was endangered. While Jane may feel stronger as she has empowering experiences at work, the problem is that Ray assumes he should be in control, and if he isn’t, she will be. Abusive partners view us as controlling them if we: • • • • •

Don’t give them what they want Reject their entitlement Have our own preferences Think differently Confront them with complaints about abusive behavior

Coercers respond to any of these by working to prove us wrong. They see exercising our rights to self-expression as meaning we’re against them. This does not leave room for selfhood on our part. Those with this belief often think there is a limited amount of success. When partners or friends accomplish something, this means there is less success available, so they feel one down. They react as if our success reflects badly on them. They then respond with behavior designed to prevent us from feeling strong. When we attain achievements, this often leads to increased abuse. They want to protect their power. Equal relationships don’t compute in the dominance operating system. Controllers don’t understand give and take that is mutual and balanced. When they don’t feel in control, they believe they are being controlled. If they don’t get their way, they automatically assume their partners are trying to dominate them. Interactions center on having “power over” rather than “power with” partners. Healthy give and take 59

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in a discussion include compromise, but to coercive controllers, this feels like losing. Discussing or negotiating become impossible because they do not understand cooperating to find a win/win solution. Some with this outlook react with what initially looks like agreement but what becomes passive aggressive and manipulative. When Jenny voiced opinions, Frank automatically responded as if she expected him to give in, though later he did what he wanted, anyway. She wanted to discuss and negotiate, but Frank viewed Jenny expressing herself as taking over and being controlling. Jenny found that the price of having what she wanted was retaliation later, so she stopped asking. This shows an example of controllers who vacillate between the poles of controlling and giving in, but their submissions always turn into revenge. Maintaining assertiveness with them takes a lot of energy. Controllers rarely apologize for their behavior, since they don’t perceive it as wrong. However, they may say they are sorry if they feel threatened, for instance, with the loss of the relationship. This is not necessarily genuine remorse but rather a reaction to protect what they have. Deep down, they feel controlled and we usually pay for it later.

Reflection on Who Is Controlling • • • •

Reflect on whether there is give and take in your discussions, each being able to express your viewpoints. Does your partner perceive your efforts to express yourself as a power struggle? Does recognizing this belief change how you think about his behavior and if so, how? Do you know others who live with beliefs that support equality and respect, such as the one below? Think about how this contrasts with your partner’s views.

Healthy Belief: I am open to hearing my partner’s viewpoints and interests, and rejoice in their successes.

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

I Control You Because I Love You Abusive partners translate commitment to the relationship as granting them the power to rule our lives. They may excuse their behavior by saying it’s because they care. Controllers abuse despite love not because of it. Their belief in their right to dominate overrides respect, a fundamental human right. We don’t feel valued when we experience disrespect and contempt. Exercising this belief acts as a clamp, further suppressing our ability to be ourselves. To be with them, we have to give up ourselves rather than being loved for who we are. They react with resentment and abuse if we have differing opinions or needs. If we object to what they do, we must not love them. The Gottman Institute’s work identifies marital friendship as the foundation of successful marriages. They call getting to know our partners “building love maps.”[XXXII] Many controllers aren’t interested in getting to know us, except superficially in the early stages of courtship. Being able to care about ourselves and our significant others represents a sign of mature love and an ability to treat our loved ones as equals. Intimate relationships involve harmonizing the needs and wants of both people. Partners capable of mutuality feel good about pleasing their loved ones because their happiness is important to them. They compromise in the interest of fairness. Those with dominance beliefs lack a concept of relationships balancing each other’s needs. Sue felt frustrated and angry that Tom refused to go to her parents for Christmas every other year, instead insisting on spending it at home. He exploded that she cared more for her parents than for their family, and she was too stupid to appreciate a loving husband and father. Sue was glad that Tom was an involved dad, since her own had often been absent. She became confused whether she was being reasonable or not. Sue’s example reveals a controller who calls their demands loving. Tom does not see his partner as separate and equal, and therefore, does not see her needs as legitimate.

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Reflection on What Love Means • • •

Think about whether your partner justifies his controlling actions as love. Are disagreements used as evidence that you don’t love them? Reflect on whether it’s okay to have separate interests. Is there any recognition that you are a separate person entitled to your own opinions and needs?

Healthy Belief: Healthy relationships have an equal partnership. Any differences we have do not change our love for one another.

Your Needs/Wants/Feelings Opinions Are Not Valid Sybil didn’t recognize she needed therapy for depression until her doctor recommended it. She believed Van when he called her a lazy weakling. He also ignored or criticized anything she wanted, such as a new dress or time to spend with friends. He ridiculed these as being selfish or needy. Sybil noticed that her opinions became great if someone else expressed them, but that he ignored hers. Her therapist helped her see that her depression resulted from how she was being treated. This example illustrates how constant criticism and a refusal to see our perceptions as legitimate affects us. Partners may not say they believe this, but their behavior shows that what we want or feel isn’t valid. They poke fun or criticize. They automatically discount anything that inconveniences them. When we live with this continually, we may begin to question ourselves and whether we have reasonable expectations. Another form of this occurs when partners dismiss our feelings about their abuse as being “hysterical.” We may shut down and feel a mixture of confusion, anger, and powerlessness. It’s puzzling when partners lack empathy for us, especially when they reveal that capacity for others. Having compassion would mean acknowledging that we have valid needs and feelings. They equate empathy with giving in and being weak. Max said he couldn’t take off work when Vera needed back surgery and could not drive herself. She understood, but couldn’t believe how emotionally unsupportive he was. Max called her a wimp for being anxious and thinking she 62

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needed someone for the procedure. He also didn’t visit during the two days of hospitalization and complained afterward when she needed help at home. Max has no capacity for empathy when events inconvenience or threaten him. He has a black and white view that labels individual needs as right or wrong, rather than being able to see both as legitimate. Since many jobs are rigid, his work issue may have been real, but her need for emotional comfort and help were as well. We often feel frustrated and invisible. Sometimes we put energy into complaining. However, when we’re swamped with physical or emotional retaliation, we may protect ourselves by suppressing our feelings and trying to please. Partners may occasionally surprise us by indicating we should do something for ourselves. This is often because it aligns with what they want. For instance, they may suggest spending time with friends if they want to spend the weekend hunting with their buddies. However, if you wanted to do that for your own reasons, they wouldn’t like it. Deficits in empathy sometimes come from personality disorders. Simon Baron-Cohen[XXXIII] describes these individuals as having problems in their empathy circuits or having “zero degrees of empathy.” When we’re in relationships with what he calls “ZeroNegative” people, we receive no consideration and are at risk for verbal and physical attacks. Reading about the pathways to having Zero-Negative empathy can help us understand what’s happening with our partners, but we should not absolve them of responsibility for their behavior. Be careful of placing understanding for them above self-compassion and care. Sometimes those with autism spectrum disorders appear to be abusive. Their partners often complain about the lack of validation, empathy, and equal partnership. However, their issues differ from controllers. Baron-Cohen identifies this disorder as having ZeroPositive empathy deficits rather than Zero-Negative. Those on the autism spectrum have brains that interfere with recognizing others’ emotions and making judgments about intentions. They also are easily overwhelmed and have “meltdowns.” Their behavior toward us may seem abusive, but it lacks power and control motivation. They were born with relational disabilities that impair empathy, though they often can learn it. Lena provides an example. Lena felt frustrated because her partner Mark never paid attention to what she needed. She would do considerate things for him, like bring him a sandwich when she made herself one. When he was hungry, he would make 63

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himself something but never think to ask her whether she wanted food. When she complained, he said she hadn’t asked him. Mark’s response shows difficulty perceiving his partner’s needs rather than intentionally ignoring or dismissing them. Her frustration genuinely puzzled him. Because autism spectrum knowledge has advanced in recent years, adults may not know they have it. Without diagnosis, families and schools didn’t identify how to help them with their disabilities. They may have poor self-esteem because of shaming they experienced for their disability. Individuals and couples benefit from understanding the condition and how to adapt and manage it. This form of empathy deficit differs from those who are dominating and controlling. Reflection on Respect • • •

Journal about how much your feelings, needs, wants, and opinions are belittled. Name how it affects you. Notice whether you have trouble deciding whether your needs or opinions are legitimate. Has this changed over the time you’ve been with your partner? What do you notice about empathy and compromise in your relationship?

Healthy Belief: We all have the right to our needs, wants, opinions, and feelings. Expressing empathy does not mean agreement, but opens the way to feeling understood and valued.

My Way is the Right Way This belief underlies controllers’ self-righteous confidence they can tell us what to do. They think they know how other people and things should be. They may deny this, but their actions contradict their words. However, some admit it, showing how deeply engrained selfcenteredness and entitlement are. Madeleine’s partner Randy constantly corrected how she drove, what she bought, and how she performed household chores. Her ways of doing things were never “right.” Madeleine didn’t see her behavior as being right or wrong, just her way. She asked one day if he thought he always knew what was best for everyone. Randy said yes, which amazed her but also freed her from thinking she could please him. 64

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Those with this belief define “right” as whatever makes them feel comfortable and in control. They may have rigid rules that come from childhood learning. What they think is best may also arise because of their anxiety or depression symptoms. Regardless of what prompts it, the use of harassment or coercion makes it abusive. It violates our basic freedom to be who we are and make our own decisions. Even when we think someone is making a mistake, none of us should compel others to do it our way. Acceptance of differences is crucial to healthy relationships. Constant criticism and micro-managing when we do not conform to what partners want erodes our respect. Since they are blind to the rewards of a mutual relationship, they don’t perceive that winning means the relationship loses. It’s sad that dominators rarely change even though losing people may be the price they pay. Sometimes their strong opinions interfere with their ability to cooperate and function at work as well. They frequently have problems getting along with coworkers or following directions. They may then take frustrations about their lack of control at work out on us. Some lose jobs for their aggressiveness. Others gravitate to work environments where they can either be in charge (as a supervisor or CEO), or where they are self-employed and have no boss. When they supervise, they manage in coercive ways. Partners may be quite persuasive in convincing us about their superior judgment. They see our self-confidence as threatening their power and work to undermine it. A common tactic is diverting attention away from their behavior and focusing on us with accusations such as “you’re being abusive” when we’re simply standing up for ourselves. This may distract us into questioning our perceptions and decisions. Reflection on Having to Be Right • • •

If your partner radiates this belief, how does it affect you? If you have children, how are they impacted? Does your partner take out work frustrations on you? Reflect about whether you think their belief is affecting how they interact at work. Think about whether you have learned to let go of how you do things because it’s too much trouble to do it your way. How does this impact your self-confidence and freedom?

Healthy Belief: There is no one right way. When one person has to be right, the relationship loses.

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I Am Okay; You Are Not Okay I’m playing on the phrase coined by Harris[XXXIV] in his book I’m Okay, You’re Okay because it aptly describes the life position of many controllers. They deny any responsibility for problems and blame you or others. If we have a problem with them, it’s because of some defect in us. They believe their feelings and actions are normal, and we are at fault. Ted’s usual response to Inez talking about his aggressive behavior always began with “if you weren’t so . . .” It always ended with a statement that she was too demanding, critical, lazy, unloving, or stupid. Inez vacillated between feeling it must be her fault and knowing he was abusive. Controllers usually respond in one of three ways when we ask them to get help. First, they refuse outright and say we’re the ones that need help. That frequent response heightens self-doubt. Many clients come to me in a state of confusion, and their first task is to get clarity about what they’re responsible for. We can’t change our partners, but we can protect ourselves. Second, controllers agree to relationship counseling and then blame everything on us at the sessions. We may not feel safe to alert therapists to what is really occurring, and therefore, sometimes they don’t understand the dynamics they’re seeing. When they do confront abusive behavior, frequently partners refuse to go back. Third, partners agree to seek help for themselves but only give their distorted views when they go. They often report back to us that therapists agree that nothing is wrong with them and we’re at fault. See Chapter 9 for more information on treatment for coercive control. Whatever the response to our complaints, their message is the equivalent of “I’m okay.” Controllers often say that they will not change, or they demonstrate this by their behavior. Believe them. Don’t think you can change their minds. Accepting there will be no change leaves us with deciding what to do, often with sadness and anger. This involves facing loss, at least of the type of relationships we desire. It’s puzzling when controllers won’t alter their behavior even when faced with separation. Though sad, it makes more sense when we understand that change feels like a type of death to them. It seems to them like we’re taking something vital away. They might do everything in their power to stop us from leaving or to take revenge on us for doing so, but they can’t conceive 66

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of behaving differently. When they don’t see your rights as legitimate, how you’re affected isn’t important. Period. Maintaining control is primary. Reflection on Self-doubt • •

Reflect on whether your partner ever acknowledges the legitimacy of what you want or apologizes. Do you find yourself becoming confused and doubting yourself when your partner denies what they did?

Healthy Belief: We each have a right to express our perceptions and choices. We can communicate respectfully even when we differ.

You Made Me Hurt You We may puzzle over statements like this, or worse, we may succumb to questioning whether we cause our own harm. The constant rat-atat-tat of blame can injure the ability to know our own reality, as we’ll discover in the “Why Do I Feel Crazy?” chapters. Knowing our reality refers to trusting our perceptions instead of adopting partners’ accusations. Controllers’ willingness to focus on themselves ends in being accountable for their behavior. In effect, “it’s all about me until I do something bad and then it’s all about you” (or someone or something else). Attributing blame to other people for what happens to them means they have an external locus of control. This characteristic facilitates their slipping into denial and projection when we try to hold them accountable. Jacob’s efforts at talking to his partner Eddy about his abuse always ended with some form of “yes, but.” Whatever he said or did, no matter how reasonable, was always used to justify Eddy’s aggression. Eddy blamed Jacob when he received warnings at work about his verbal abuse, saying “I got in trouble because you made me so upset.” It often amazes us how much power they attribute to us for things beyond our control, such as their job loss, a teacher reporting child abuse they inflicted, or the classic “you made me hit you.” Their blame becomes an excuse for more abuse. Early in relationships, we may hear convincing stories of how terrible other partners were to them. We often doubt the truth of these stories after we experience their perceptions and behavior toward us. 67

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Until controllers truly choose change, they quickly slip back into blaming us or others for the negative consequences of their own aggressive behavior. Many who believe their apologies discover their partners revert to their previous behavior after returning to them. In other words, when abusers no longer feel threatened, they act from their entitled beliefs again. They may expect us to “get over it” and forgive them immediately without demonstrating change. Shawn called the police one night after Ted’s beating, which resulted in an arrest. He expressed remorse when Shawn left and promised to go for abuser counseling. Consequently, Shawn asked the District Attorney to drop the charges and went back. However, when the time came for the treatment intake, Ted refused to go, saying that he never would have done it if Shawn hadn’t provoked him. I often advise people who have separated to be careful about going back before they have seen evidence of the sincerity of their partners’ changes. Those who choose abuse can alter their attitudes and behavior, but this doesn’t happen overnight. Unfortunately, returning too soon can lessen the motivation for the hard work they have to do. Words are cheap; look for a consistent pattern of behavior change. I realize leaving may be a tough choice because of financial, child care, and other issues. We are the only ones who can decide what is best for us given our circumstances. Being forewarned can help you recognize when controllers slide back into old behavior. Reflection on Responsibility •

•

If you’ve been blamed for abuse, do you believe it? Look back over your relationship for whether there has been a change in what you believe about your responsibility. You may initially have agreed and now have changed your mind, resulting in more conflict. Or you may have not agreed, but have been worn down to accept unreasonable blame. Look for people who support you in not accepting responsibility for any abuse. Are these same people able to support you in discovering what is yours to do about it, rather than telling you what you “should” do?

Healthy Belief: I am not responsible for others’ choices. We all choose how to respond to behavior we don’t like.

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

I Must Do Whatever It Takes to Maintain Control This belief flows readily from believing that there has to be someone in control. Disagreements in non-controlling relationships allow only minimal upset or escalation before putting on the brakes. They take time to cool off in order to talk calmly or agree to disagree. When love is the most important value, we allow nothing to lead to behavior that hurts our partners. We all choose how we negotiate conflict. Controllers choose domination and force. They escalate to whatever works to maintain their dominance regardless of the cost. They pressure us to conform to what they want, with an “or else” threat, either implied or overt, that they will keep escalating until they get their way. When Candy said she wanted to see a movie with girlfriends, Mike became angry. She tried to explain her point of view, but Mike accused her of not loving him. The more she expressed her frustration, the angrier he became, getting in her face, shouting her down, and finally becoming physically threatening. Candy gave in because she felt he would have hit her if she hadn’t. When we operate with the assumption that we are equal, we do not expect unreasonable, twisting, deflecting, and manipulative tactics. We do not expect we will need to protect ourselves. Others often do not see this pressure and come to wrong conclusions. We may be afraid to communicate what is happening, and we may also want to protect partners from negative judgments. Family members and friends often become baffled because they don’t glimpse what is happening behind the scenes. Sandy wanted her mother to help after the birth of their baby because she was close to her and looked forward to this mother/daughter bonding experience. However, Ed said no and wanted that time to be theirs alone so she had to tell her mother not to come. Mom felt hurt, but Sandy didn’t say why because she was afraid that her mother would turn against Ed. After the birth, Ed expected her to do everything, making adjustment more difficult. Partners vary in the degree of harm they allow themselves to inflict. Their willingness to escalate even though they say they love us feels confusing. When we begin believing “there must be something wrong with me,” this is a sign of emotional injury. We often stop expressing ourselves to reduce the fallout we suffer. However, we find it impossible to prevent abuse, because anything 69

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becomes an excuse for anger to spiral. Undoubtedly, we can predict things that typically set partners off, but their emotional landscape may change. Sometimes they alter what they want because of their changing emotions. Some do it to keep us off balance. Being willing to do whatever it takes to maintain control explains why leaving increases risk. This underlines the importance of having safety plans. Unfortunately, there are abusers who choose the ultimate extreme to stay in control, murdering their partners because “if I can’t have her, no one can.” The next chapter will examine four factors that influence the severity of coercive control’s impact on us. We will trace the roots of power and control to beliefs in the right to dominate in the “Why Do They Believe They Can Control Us?” chapters. Reflection on Escalation • •

Think about whether your partner’s anger quickly escalates when they don’t like something. How has their escalation affected you? What have you learned to do to lessen the damage they cause? Notice the ways your partner communicates you are not safe. Have they demonstrated that they won’t stop until they get their way?

Healthy Beliefs: I only allow my anger to escalate so far, and then take time to cool off before discussing further. Relationships win when we communicate with respect and are willing to negotiate and compromise.

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

CHAPTER 8 FACTORS THAT INFLUENCE SEVERITY This chapter covers several factors that affect our experience of coercive control. They are: • • • • •

Families and friends Work Alcohol and other drug abuse (AODA) Personality traits and disorders Lethality indicators

The presence or absence of families, friends, and work can make it either easier or harder for us to resist controllers. The other three involve partner traits and behaviors that put us at higher risk for harm.

Families and Friends

The presence or absence of families, friends, and work can make it either easier or harder for us to resist controllers.

Supportive families and friends offer us feedback that counters controllers’ influence. This input makes it less likely we will doubt our perceptions. Family or friends may even motivate partners to get help. Even if this isn’t the case, it’s beneficial to have validation and support to bolster our morale. However, the motivations of our supporters are important. Our loved ones may feel so fearful for us they have trouble listening without pressuring to leave. They also sometimes interfere without our consent. We do not appreciate feeling forced into decisions, but feel empowered when they listen and support us in thinking about what to do. When our family or friends don’t understand the dangers we face, we may step back from them, which increases our isolation. If families or friends think it is okay for one partner to dominate, they cannot help us in figuring out what to do. They may also side 71

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with the abuser and blame us. When this happens, we’re re-victimized by those we hoped would help. Messages we sometimes receive: • • • •

You married them, so make the best of it. What did you do to provoke them? That’s just how marriage is. None of us are perfect.

It’s very frustrating when those we turn to don’t understand and minimize what we experience. Sometimes their blind spots come from caring about our partners and not wanting to lose them, similar to how difficult it is for us. Another reason may be that acknowledging abuse feels threatening to them because of their own relationship power dynamics. It’s lonely when we don’t have the support and understanding of family and friends. When that is the case, it’s even more important to have advocates and professionals who offer empathy and the space to discern what our options are.

Work Work can be a moderating factor in our lives because it exposes us to other perspectives and avenues of support. Jobs sometimes offer the only safety we have. They can give us feedback that counteracts how abusers tear us down. We are less vulnerable to gaslighting (manipulating us to question our sanity) and other forms of abuse. On the other hand, work environments that contain abuse of power behaviors add to our stress. If we have to protect ourselves there, jobs can render us just as isolated. Partners sometimes intrude into our jobs so they cannot be a safe haven, as shown below. Todd and Amanda sometimes shared their lunch hour together. One day, Amanda’s husband Bob dropped in while they were having lunch and was openly hostile to Todd. When he told him to stay away from his wife, Amanda left to calm him. Todd avoided spending time with Amanda after that because he was fearful that Bob would harm him and that it would also be worse for Amanda. This strained their work relationship and increased Amanda’s isolation.

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This example shows how partners may prevent us from attaining the support we need at work. Controlling people influence everyone, even coworkers who don’t know the abuser. If you asked Todd if Bob victimized him, he would reply no. He feels in control of his own behavior. However, he felt it expedient to curtail his work friendship. It takes time and energy to maintain boundaries when abusers make threats. People avoid being around them, and this adds to our isolation.

Alcohol and Other Drug Abuse (AODA) Alcohol or other drug use, abuse, or dependence does not cause coercive control. Often when partners enter treatment and become sober, they continue to be controlling because their sense of entitlement has not changed. Those who abuse partners often do so when they aren’t under the influence as well.[XXXV] We often associate the usage of alcohol or drugs with coercive control because they increase the volatility of those under the influence. This can cause increased emotional or physical abuse.[XXXVI] Some controllers admit choosing to use when they are angry because it loosens their inhibitions so they can be more aggressive. There are survivors who report that AOD usage mellows their partners and makes them easier to live with. This can complicate identifying they have problem usage. Whether it increases or reduces violence, power and control issues are separate from chemical abuse or dependency. Alcohol and drug use, abuse, or addiction sometimes becomes a coping strategy for survivors. While initially it helps to numb the pain of being in the relationship, it also hampers our ability to respond effectively. Controllers may cite our usage to justify how they treat us, which can play upon our shame about this and make us believe that we deserve what they do. Sometimes, controllers insist on the use of alcohol/drugs as another way to maintain control over us. It’s much easier for them when we can’t function or think clearly. When alcohol or drugs are part of the picture in addition to abuse, there are two problems that require two different treatments: 1) coercive control and 2) alcohol and other drug abuse or addiction. Ideally, a professional with expertise in both can assess which should come first. 73

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Character Traits and Personality Disorders Personality traits and disorders shape how partners express coercive control. Even though there Lundy Bancroft identifies several are differences in types of controllers in his book, Why [XXXVII] Does He Do That? . Even though how partners express there are differences in how partners control, dominance express control, dominance beliefs beliefs and and entitlement are the common entitlement are the factors. Michael P. Johnson uses the term common factors. “intimate terrorists” in referring to controllers.[XXXVIII] He describes the commonalities and differences of two general types. The commonalities are impulsiveness, acceptance of violence, and hostile attitudes toward women5. Identifying how they are dissimilar may help us make sense of why partners differ in how they express coercion. Johnson calls one type “dependent intimate terrorists”; Jacobsen and Gottman[XXXIX] gave them the more colorful name of “pit bulls,” referring to their tenacious control. They emotionally depend on their victims, feel desperate to keep them, engage in jealousy and possessiveness, and show a great deal of anger. Abusers of this type are not usually violent with other people. Johnson names the second type “antisocial;” Jacobsen and Gottman label them “cobras.”. They display antisocial characteristics and often use violence with others. Cobras control because they want their way regardless of cost, not because they are obsessed, jealous, or dependent. They do not engage in emotional displays such as anger, but act in cold and calculated ways, sometimes even setting their victims up for abuse. This type is not so motivated by the social and legal consequences of their behavior. For instance, it is more likely they 5

Hostility toward women has been associated with heterosexual abuse of men toward women. However, with same sex and nongender conforming individuals, abusers have a more general relational contempt. I hypothesize three factors. Sometimes contempt is directed toward anyone expressing disagreement with them. There can also be a pattern of contempt for intimate partners that they learned from their families. The third possibility is internalization of the contempt leveled by society on their sexual or nonbinary orientation. 74

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will ignore restraining orders, and they may even escalate their abuse in response to them. Survivors with antisocial types of intimate terrorists often receive more validation because partners are calculating, controlling, and violent elsewhere. On the other hand, their devious nature sometimes enables them to mask their behavior, at least for short periods of time. They make our lives miserable with lies and sneaky tactics that seem believable to others. When our significant others are like dependent terrorists, we may not experience as much confirmation from others because they don’t show abusive behavior around them. In fact, they may be very endearing to the rest of the world. As a result, we become frustrated because people don’t recognize what we’re experiencing. Both types are dangerous. Antisocial types are more apparent to society. They are clever and unrelenting in their pursuit of making you pay for perceived injuries to them. Since pit bulls appear pleasant to the rest of the world, their danger may be minimized. News articles about murdered victims often quote people who express surprise because they perceived the abuser to be so nice. Many coercive controllers also have personality disorders, meaning they have deeply engrained patterns of behavior that are not normal. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, known as DSM-5, describes ten disorders.[XL] Bill Eddy[XLI] lists three characteristics they all have in common: • • •

Interpersonal dysfunctions—they have repeated problems with relationships Lack of social self-awareness—they do not see how they create their problems with people Lack of change—they rarely change, defend how they behave, and become angry with those who want them to change their behavior

Narcissistic, borderline, antisocial or sociopathic, histrionic and paranoid disorders are the most common for coercive controllers, but they also present other kinds. When abusers have personality disorders or any other type of mental illness, this does not let them off the hook of responsibility for their behavior. They often try to sell the line that they couldn’t help themselves. We are all responsible for and capable of altering any character traits and flaws that negatively impact people. Jackson McKenzie[XLII] acknowledges that individuals with personality disorders trick people into love relationships by grooming 75

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and idealizing them. They appear charming initially, but use tactics that encourage us to not pay attention to our intuition. Some abusers have full-fledged personality disorders and others merely have some traits. I discourage using these labels when talking with partners. Professionals are the only ones who can diagnose. However, information about personality types helps us make sense of what we experience. There are many outstanding books on how to deal with these personality types, whether we do or do not live with these individuals. I include several under Resources at the end of this section. “How Can I Move Forward?” chapters will also touch on how to respond.

Lethality Indicators It is important to know when we’re in grave danger. This is a tricky business, since some partners who never used physical abuse escalate to murder or murder/suicide when partners leave. Sometimes we second guess our fears about physical threat much as we doubt other perceptions. I encourage you to trust yourselves. Our bodies and minds respond unconsciously to elements that represent danger. Better to pay attention to your intuition and be safe as Gavin de Becker encourages in The Gift of Fear.[XLIII] Risk of escalated violence is linked with the below factors:[XLIV] • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Possession of weapons Threats to use weapons Abuser’s acute depression and hopelessness History of violence as a child Assaults on other family members Stalking Rage Impulsiveness Drug or alcohol abuse or addiction Forced sex History of pet abuse Previous criminal history Violence outside the home Easy access to the victim and other family members combined with any of the previous factors

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Whether they have used or threatened to use lethal means in the past makes up the highest risk. This includes threats or actions to kill you, your children, friends, family, or themselves. Present and past behaviors are the best predictors of future acts. Warnings may be manipulative, but they also may be real. Having any of these risk factors increases the importance of safety planning. Domestic abuse agencies and hotlines help in assessing risk and taking protective measures. You’ll find links at the end of these chapters. We’ll turn our attention to abuser treatment in the next chapter. This information can be useful when partners have consented to therapy or you are contemplating whether to ask them to do it. Abusers are often forced to participate when they are arrested. Reflection on Mediating Factors • •

• •

Reflect on how family, friends, and work have helped or hindered dealing with abuse. If alcohol or other drugs are an issue, have you noticed whether your partner always uses before abusing you? Sometimes they use AOD usage as an excuse. Reflect on whether their abuse escalates in severity when they are under the influence. Did the information on personality traits and disorders set any alarms off for you? Consider learning more about them in recommended books. This is to protect yourself, not to help them. What did you notice about the lethality factors? If any of those are present, reach out for safety planning assistance from a domestic abuse agency or other helper. Pay attention when your fear increases; consider calling the police.

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CHAPTER 9 ABUSER TREATMENT Evaluating Whether to Stay The decision to stay or not is complicated. We may want to continue the relationship if our partners commit to stop harming us. Their behavior changes only when they give up power and control over us. It usually takes therapy for them to see the advantages of this. Even when they see therapists reluctantly, they can gain insight and motivation as they progress. However, some choose not to change even when they do treatment. They cling to their entitlement even if it means losing us. Sometimes we separate during their counseling to allow for new strategies to take hold so we can start afresh. Any attempt to alter deep-seated behavior has ups and downs. The relationship has a better chance of healing if there aren’t constant steps back during this process. When partners can respect our need for space, this is a good sign. We may appreciate the space their help-seeking gives us to make up our minds about staying or leaving. It’s healthy to take time to choose carefully, rather than being impulsive. Treatment can also be a safer time to leave since they have others who are watching. If fear interferes with leaving, get support in planning a safe exit. This chapter includes information about effective and ineffective or even dangerous methods of therapy for controllers. More information about decision-making will be in Chapter 40.

Effective Treatment While there are no guarantees that our partners will change, rehabilitation that incorporates certain elements increases the likelihood of success. The most important component of specialized abuser treatment focuses on their power and control beliefs. They have

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to shift their perspectives and adopt attitudes that permit equality and The most important respect. If this doesn’t happen, they component of often misuse what they learn. The other essential therapy specialized abuser modules include learning to identify treatment focuses on and manage their emotions, develop their power and empathy, practice healthy relationship control beliefs. boundaries, and communicate assertively. Many states have certified batterer treatment programs, and if so, these are the best guide to effective therapy. Contacting the National Coalition against Domestic Violence (NCADV) or state coalitions can help locate those. You will find the NCADV link under Resources at the end of this section. Abuser programs often include specialty help for survivors. This may be attractive when we choose to stay because coordination and communication are easier between providers. It is easier to give their treatment providers timely information if partners are not doing well. However, some want a separate agency. We can sign releases of information between those agencies if we desire communication between therapists. Certified providers usually have abusers participate in groups. Group members are influential in holding one another accountable, so facilitators guide them in this process. Not surprising, since they are adept at focusing on someone other than themselves. Groups provide a powerful way for partners to learn new ways of relating, including connecting emotionally with someone other than their partners. When this is not available or appropriate, individual counseling still centers on confronting power and control beliefs and learning new skills. Partner therapists want to know if we have concerns about relapses in their behavior. They cannot tell you what goes on in sessions, but they can listen to what you say. Many specialized abuser agencies ask for contact with victims during an assessment. Minimization and denial are considered the norm with controllers so they want to know about your experiences. Ongoing check-ins throughout their work are ideal so they have an independent measure of whether change is occurring. Safety is their paramount concern. They understand the reasons why we’re afraid. Therapists should give assurances that whatever they learn from us will be confidential unless we give our permission 79

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to disclose. They find indirect ways to address issues when they can’t be direct. Even great treatment cannot guarantee that people will change. Providers deem it effective only when survivors report they feel safer and have a better quality of life. Sometimes abusers twist the skills into new ways of controlling. In other words, they learn to become even better abusers by misusing the techniques. Those who feel entitled can warp anything. Nicky felt relieved when her partner Ace agreed to go to abuser treatment. A few weeks into it, he started telling her she wasn’t communicating properly with him. When Nicky expressed dissatisfaction about how he treated her, he focused on what she did to deserve it rather than being accountable for his behavior. Even though Ace had stopped being physically aggressive, she felt depressed about their relationship because she still didn’t feel respected or free to be herself. Nicky’s experience demonstrates that agreeing to seek help doesn’t guarantee the results we want. It depends upon whether partners surrender to change. When they don’t use what they learn appropriately, the time spent there can still benefit us in two ways. One, we satisfy ourselves that we’ve tried everything with still no evidence of change. Two, it often provides greater safety in leaving because there are people holding them accountable.

Ineffective Treatment Therapies that are ineffective for controllers occur all too often. Below are some reasons they don’t help. Couple’s therapy Understandably, we often think to try this first, but unfortunately it is usually a failure at best and dangerous at worst. Typical intimate partner counseling focuses on the dynamics of the couple, assuming honesty, equal power, and 50/50 responsibility for the problems. All three are problematic. Honesty about abuse doesn’t always happen because we’re afraid of abusers’ reactions when we get home. We may drop hints, but therapists can’t always pick up on them. When we do risk disclosing 80

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their behavior, additional emotional or physical abuse often occurs. This often leads to stopping therapy because it is hurting more than helping. Couples therapists who assume they are hearing everything miss the fact that power between the partners is not equal. Since their assessment is incomplete, their interventions aren’t as helpful. Victims feel blamed and hopeless when problems are seen as communication issues that both are equally responsible for. Abusers are quick to misuse interventions, especially if the victim doesn’t feel safe to report their behavior between sessions. The checks that abuser treatment programs do with victims are not usual for couples or mental health therapy. Again, this results in treatment failure and drop-out. Well-meaning therapy often results in unintended collusion with partners’ distorted claims about us and how they behave. They are not attuned to power and control dynamics and therefore, do not hold partners accountable for their behavior. When the therapists do confront their behavior, partners usually refuse to go back. The lone exception here are the abuser treatment programs that . . . couples therapy incorporate couples work earlier in should wait until therapy. This type promotes accountability because they address after successful unequal power dynamics up front. completion of abuser Progress with that frames the therapy treatment. for other couples’ issues. This format works for some but not others; trust your instincts about this. The programs should adjust what they do by whether you’re feeling safe. Other than this exception, couples therapy should wait until after successful completion of abuser treatment. Even then, it often works better for it to be with someone from the abuser program because they know partners already and can better assist them in applying the skills they learned. Anger management counseling This does not address power and control and therefore is not advisable. It teaches strategies for identifying, reducing, and expressing anger appropriately. Their belief in their right to have power over us prevents abusers from benefitting from this. These skills are also part of abuse programs. Many people refer mistakenly to abuser treatment as “anger management,” so it’s important to 81

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clarify whether programs address their beliefs in entitlement or power over us. Assertiveness or other communication skills groups These do not work well for the same reasons. These skills are part of curriculums that treat coercive control, but alone they don’t address the core beliefs of controllers. This makes it even more likely that abusers will misuse techniques. Mental health or alcohol/drug treatment (AODA) This constitutes another ineffective strategy for ending abuse. The assumption that depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, trauma, AODA, or other issues cause intimate abuse is false. When abusers’ symptoms improve, they often are still coercive. Feeling better about themselves does not make them less abusive. Therapy often goes off the rails when therapists use empathy without understanding how an abuser hears it. Offering empathy to controllers usually is interpreted as agreeing with them. They assume it justifies them in their distorted perceptions and beliefs. Therapy on mental health or AODA issues will not change the controlling behavior unless providers challenge their dominating beliefs. They can be less depressed or anxious, have better self-esteem, or be sober, but they will still abuse us unless they have learned the benefits of equal partnerships. Therapy needs to address coercive control as a separate problem with either a separate therapist or one that knows how to address power over beliefs along with any mental illness or AODA problems.

What About Me? Information about partners gives a good start on making sense of what we experience. However, it does not help us cope with the impact of their behavior on us. The “Why Do I Feel Crazy?” section that follows provides important information about how the injuries of intimate abuse affect us. They make it difficult to problem solve, interfere with taking care of ourselves, and hamper our recovery.

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Reflection on Hope for Partner Change •

Put an X on the continuum below. 1 I Want to Stay

•

• •

•

5 I Quit

If you’re a 1 or close to it, notice your feelings and what keeps you invested. List the signs your partner is changing. If they aren’t, is fear of what ending it would mean for you holding you back? Are there other reasons, such as religious or other beliefs? Look for support that addresses your answers. If you’re a 5 or close to it, what do you feel about that? Begin to think about the steps it would take to end the relationship and who could support you in that. If you are somewhere in the middle, be with that, noticing your feelings and the evidence pro and con. Seek support in journaling, therapy, spiritual leaders, advocates, whatever you find helpful. Be patient and present; wait for your answers. If your partner agrees to get help, ask them to find specific therapy for those who hurt their partners. Local or statewide domestic abuse programs have information about abuser treatment locations. If you are hesitant about reaching out for help, think about your reasons. Domestic abuse agencies will not force you to do anything, including calling the police. Find people who encourage you but do not push for a specific agenda. Most are sensitive to cultural and immigrant issues as well.

RESOURCES For information about treatment resources: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence https://ncadv.org/ Survivor Books •

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft (New York: Berkley Books, 2002) 83

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• • • • • • • •

The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic violence on Family Dynamics, Lundy Bancroft & Jay G. Silverman (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, 2002) Help! I’m in Love with a Narcissist, Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. (New York: Mt. Evans and Company, Inc., 2005) Disarming the narcissist: Surviving & Thriving with the Self-absorbed, Wendy t. Behary, LCSW (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2008) 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life, Bill Eddy (New York: Penguin Random House TarcherPeregee Book, 2018) Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People, Jackson MacKenzie, (New York: Berkeley, 2015 When Loving Him is Hurting You: Hope and help for Women Dealing with Narcissism and Emotional Abuse, Dr. David Hawkins (Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers, 2017) Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself, Shahida Arabi (New York: SCW Archer Publishing, 2016) Do I Have to Give Up Me to be Loved by You? Jordan Paul, Ph.D. & Margaret Paul, Ph.D. (Minneapolis, MN: CompCare Publications,1983)

Abuser Books • • •

Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior, Charlie Donaldson, M.A., Randy Flood, M.A. with Elaine Eldridge, Ph.D. (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2006) Violent No More: Helping Men End Domestic Abuse, Michael Paymar (New York: Turner Publishing, 2015, 2000, 1993) Learning to Live Without Violence: A Handbook for Men, Daniel J. Sonkin, Ph.D. & Michael Durphy, M.D. (Now free online; in print: Volcano, CA: Volcano Press, 1982, 1997)

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PART IV WHY DO I FEEL CRAZY? “Because the controller builds himself up at the expense of others, no one can remain in a relationship with him without giving up important parts of the self, . . . First you may give up certain activities or interests; then you find that you’re giving up your opinions, your wishes, your ambitions, your anger, your voice, your pride, your happiness.” —Ann Jones & Susan Schechter, When Love Goes Wrong “ . . when someone is dominating you psychically, they actually take your mind away . . . You didn’t have the energy or mental clarity to debate with.” —James Redfield, The Celestine Prophecy “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” —Mary Anne Radmacher, Courage Doesn’t Always Roar This section focuses on the injuries of coercive control. We look at how the maze of control affects us emotionally, behaviorally, physically, mentally and spiritually. This helps us better understand ourselves and seek the resources we need. The chapters are: • • •

Chapter 10—Entrapment Chapter 11—Understanding Our Responses to Coercion Chapter 12—Injuries

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CHAPTER 10 ENTRAPMENT Finger Traps and Mazes We often ask, “Why did I allow it?” We feel puzzled because, in hindsight, it seems perfectly clear. Turn this around to ask, “Did I give my permission?” Of course not. Partners do not continue abuse because of some failure on our part. They lack healthy beliefs about relationships that would prevent their behavior. Have you ever played with a Chinese finger trap? Coercive control acts like one. We expect our loved ones to care about our emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing, instead of being self-centered. Therefore, we initially give them the benefit of the doubt. We look for reasons for their behavior and for what we are responsible for. We accept their excuses and apologies and expect things to improve. By the time we discern the pattern, it’s hard to disentangle ourselves, just as we cannot get out of the finger trap unless we know the simple escape mechanism. However, not so simple with intimate abuse.

Partners do not continue abuse because of some failure on our part. They lack healthy beliefs about relationships that would prevent their behavior.

Faye made plans with a friend to have lunch while the children were in school. When her daughter became ill and the school couldn’t reach her, they called Sam. That night, Sam yelled at Faye, putting his beet-red face so close he spit 86

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on her as he raged. He accused her in front of the children of being a terrible mother and caring more about herself than them. He even threatened that the county child protection unit would take the kids away if he called them. Later, Sam apologized, but claimed he had a right to get angry and worried when he didn’t know where she was. Faye felt relief that he calmed down, but weak for being so afraid. She also wondered if she was the unreasonable one. Sam justified his irrational behavior with claims of worry and caring. This often occurs in the beginning of relationships, beginning in subtle ways and gradually escalating. When they met, Charlie’s attention to Robin felt great. Insisting on doing the shopping and planning what they did felt like help. As time went on, Robin’s desire for independence conflicted with Charlie’s demands for control over purchases and activities. When Robin tried to explain, Charlie escalated the abuse, accusing of unfaithfulness and becoming physically aggressive. When we experience control that gradually escalates, we often accept Relationships laced behavior we wouldn’t have tolerated with coercive control originally, because we have a lot invested and we’re still hoping for become mazes with change. This is much like the perplexing twists and legendary frog in the pot of water that turns in which we didn’t jump out when the heat was gradually lose slowly applied, and then it was too late. Our healthy expectations, hope, ourselves. and love can become traps. Relationships laced with coercive control become mazes with perplexing twists and turns in which we gradually lose ourselves. The behaviors are more dangerous precisely because they occur in intimate relationships. Though traumatic, strangers who curse us affect us less than when partners do. We reel from confusion and self-doubt. Everyone acknowledges the harmfulness of physical abuse. Psychological forms bewilder us because they aren’t tangible and therefore are harder for us to identify and explain to friends, family, or professionals. Controllers can more easily deny and distort. It may be more difficult for us to reach out and get reality checks or support. Yet verbal and psychological abuse has the most long-lasting effects. It erodes one’s sense of self-worth and self-confidence. It shatters our beliefs in ourselves and the world. 87

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As mentioned in an earlier chapter, many experts call the behaviors in the Coercive Control Checklist “intimate terrorism.” This may sound extreme, but consider Merriam-Webster’s definition of terrorism: “the systematic use of terror, especially as a means of coercion.” We often feel stunned at how similar partners’ behavior is to terrorist methods. Believing they have the right to dominate permits them to do whatever it takes to get what they want, as the “Why Do They Hurt Us?” section covered. In her book Getting Free[XLV], Ginny NiCarthy put together a chart comparing intimate abusers’ psychological abuse tactics to methods used with prisoners of war[XLVI]. That document indicated that prisoners became compliant without the use of physical force by using three factors: debilitation, dependency, and dread.[XLVII] Research on psychological torture since then indicates that it causes as much mental anguish as physical harm.[XLVIII] Diana E. H. Russell[XLIX] and many others agree that the behaviors of abusers are like terrorist tactics. It’s no wonder that we get mired in confusion and feel crazy. It takes a long time to find our way out of the maze of control. To begin doing so, the next chapter will focus on understanding how we responded to coercive control.

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

CHAPTER 11 UNDERSTANDING OUR RESPONSES TO COERCION Self-blame Oddly enough, our society has a perception of what a “good victim” should act like. We may be judged or not believed when we don’t conform to stereotypes. The messages are contradictory, however. For example, we may be seen as too submissive for not leaving, but then we’re expected to submit to others’ ideas of what’s best. Society’s picture of victims often does not take into account our real lived experiences. We may absorb society’s assumptions about victimization, such as: • • •

We are always in control of what happens to us. If someone mistreats us, we must have done something to cause it. If we fight back, we must not be a victim.

These ideas influence whether people believe and understand us. We also may judge ourselves by them. Let’s examine some responses to abuse in intimate relationships. You may recognize more than one.

I’m Not a Victim Mandy came for therapy because she was unhappy about the fights she and her partner had. Her partner’s behavior matched many items on the coercive control checklist, but she insisted that she wasn’t a victim and that she was just as responsible for what was happening. When asked what she did that was abusive, Mandy only came up with how her partner claimed she was abusive. Her therapist pointed out that her partner perceived normal rights as inappropriate. Recognizing her partner’s behavior as abusive empowered her to set limits.

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We may resist seeing ourselves as victims of abuse when we see ourselves as strong. We are. Strong people also receive mistreatment. When society speaks of victims, they often assume that we are incompetent, helpless, and with no resources. It is no wonder we deny being abused when we know those aren’t accurate descriptors of us. Someone’s choice to abuse reflects nothing about us. It’s important to clarify what the term “victim” means. Cancer victims experience cancer; abuse victims experience abuse. Perpetrators are those who permit themselves to hurt people. According to Harvey and Callan,[L] “the psychological profile of victimization includes a pervasive sense of helplessness, passivity, loss of control, pessimism, negative thinking, strong feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame and depression.” These all fall under the injuries addressed in the next chapter. When we don’t recognize these as being true for us, this doesn’t mean we haven’t experienced victimization. As we recognize the injustice of partners’ behavior, we initially expect that they will agree to stop it. When it doesn’t change, we’re frustrated and continue to resist. This may lead to such escalation by partners we back off because of the cost. If we do continue resisting, this results in constant conflict, which professionals may misperceive to be “high conflict” relationships. They assume both parties are responsible and don’t detect the power imbalance occurring. They have trouble distinguishing when victims are trying to stand up for themselves. Sometimes, we defend ourselves with verbal or physical aggression. Even though many blame victims for so-called “taking it,” fighting back often brings severe condemnation. In addition, we often feel bad about any aggressiveness. We are accountable for what we do or say, but we’re not responsible for our partners’ aggression. Consider seeking ways to respond that don’t fall into the abuser’s trap of “you’re just as abusive.”

I Must Be Doing Something Wrong It surprised Ted when Dakota became jealous whenever he went out with friends. He became self-conscious about how he interacted with them, looking for signals he might give that would arouse such a response. Dakota still accused him of being flirtatious. After months of limiting his social contacts, Ted understood that the problem was due to his partner’s insecurity and possessiveness.

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Often in shock at our partners’ abuse, we look to our own actions to None of us is perfect, explain it, believing the assumption but perfection is not that we must have done something to a requirement for cause it. None of us is perfect, but perfection is not a requirement for respect and fair respect and fair treatment. No treatment. No behavior deserves coercive control. behavior deserves This truth needs underscoring in our coercive control. This society. None of us are reactive machines truth needs without choices in how we respond. underscoring in our Abusers often care about how some society. people see them and moderate their behavior accordingly. They can also choose how they respond with us. We often assume guilt because of partners’ abuse. Partners who don’t accept their responsibility take advantage of our strength in being able to look at ourselves. We may then feel weak, helpless, and hopeless instead of strong. It’s important to recognize the strength of our efforts and not judge ourselves by their inappropriate responses. As we learn about coercion, we sometimes fault ourselves about what we didn’t know earlier. “How could I not see this before?” Give yourself compassion for this arduous journey and credit for what you are doing now. We can’t know what we don’t know. Education about healthy relationships in schools and throughout society would help everyone.

This Must Be Normal Helen didn’t resist her boyfriend Lyle’s demands that she spend time with him. She stopped pursuing her own interests and gave in to whatever he wanted, trying to please him and keep the peace. When friends noticed this, she said, “All men are like this.” When we accept how we’re being treated without questioning, this may mean we’ve grown up with violence, meaning verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. Families who deal with conflict by using abuse shape our expectations for intimate relationships. Even if we don’t think it’s right, we may be used to submitting and not

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challenging them. Many survivors think conflict has to involve domination and aggression. If we learn aggression is normal, it makes envisioning the possibility of relationships without it more difficult. Sometimes we settle because we don’t think we will find anything better.

Denial, Repression, Dissociation Riley’s partner Morgan was a true Jekyll and Hyde, being nice one moment and aggressive or totally ignoring the family’s needs the next. They both denied that abuse was a problem and blamed the episodes on stress. Riley lived for the honeymoons between and had trouble remembering how bad it was until it happened again. When Morgan had the affair that ended their marriage, Riley could no longer deny the abuse and sunk into depression, anger, and self-recrimination for not seeing it earlier. Riley’s story gives one picture of denial in action. This coping mechanism serves to make sense of the inconsistency between expectations of love and reality, great memories and nightmares, promises and betrayals. We don’t want to believe our partners are hurting us, so we find excuses for what’s happening. Repression happens when we don’t remember events that occur. This psychological mechanism inhibits the perception of threatening interactions. Those who use repression as a coping technique often seem preoccupied or spacy. When we dissociate, we disconnect from our surroundings and the abuse. This helps us manage powerful emotions and painful realities. However, we actually feel separate from what is happening, as if it’s occurring to someone else. This deadens the pain. Sometimes selfinjury such as cutting occurs with dissociation as another way to cope. Physical pain becomes a concrete way to manage overwhelming emotional hurt. These are very brief definitions for behaviors that may puzzle us. All three manage emotions in the best way we know how. However, they prevent us from recognizing and processing what is happening. They interfere with having “ah-ha” moments that tell us to pay attention and examine further. Denial, repression, and dissociation are ways of coping with trauma. Often a crisis increases our awareness of what is happening. Sudden awareness of issues that occurred gradually is very difficult.

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We have to deal with everything all at once, and this can be emotionally overwhelming.

Trapped by Threats Quinn’s violence increased in frequency and severity, and Serena wanted to leave him. She felt terrified because he threatened to report her as undocumented. Serena didn’t know if she could trust the authorities not to turn her over, so didn’t call the police. She hunkered down and coped the best she could. While Serena felt trapped because of her undocumented status, there are many other circumstances we cannot control that trap us. These include financial insecurity, health problems, fear for our children, fear for other relatives, and lack of knowledge about resources that are available. Abusers often give false information about what will happen with child custody or other details, and this heightens our fear. We may have inadequate support to deal with everything, and then unreasonably blame ourselves for staying. Unfortunately, in too many cases, our society does not provide enough Intimate partner help for those who need it. In addition, violence programs when we don’t know about options, are confidential then we don’t have them. Blaming resources without ourselves after the fact does not help. cost. They know what Intimate partner violence resources are programs are confidential resources available in the without cost. They know what community. resources are available in the community.

Ending a Short Relationship Andrea learned about intimate partner abuse in her nursing program. She married Frankie without seeing any evidence of abuse, but fights began shortly after. Andrea was independent and had many interests. Frankie grew more hostile and controlling over what she did, accusing her of not being loving. When she felt afraid because of physical intimidation, she filed for divorce.

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Some of us end the relationship after a few months or years. We may have knowledge about intimate abuse through prior experience or education and can assess that our partners will not change. This poses an advantage in that the impacts of abuse haven’t gripped us as severely. We also may have fewer of the issues that complicate leaving relationships, such as economic, health, or child custody concerns. We often feel amazement and grief when partners refuse to acknowledge their behavior and work on changing. We may also be hard on ourselves for not seeing it earlier. Regardless of how short the relationship, we still feel the pain that abuse and ending a relationship always brings.

Ending a Long Relationship Leslie found an apartment and left, but her husband harassed her constantly, calling her and showing up at her door. She gave in to his accusations about how terrible she was for giving up on their marriage and promises to change. However, his abusive behavior returned when she went back to him. Leslie entered therapy because she desperately wanted to end her marriage. She worked on her self-esteem for several months and built confidence in her perceptions instead of believing her husband’s opinions. She decided she had to leave the state to live with relatives to keep her husband from having access to her. In addition, she cut off any ability to contact her except through an attorney. After careful planning, she was successful in beginning a new life on her own. The amount of planning Leslie did is not unusual, even when it isn’t necessary to move far away. The impacts of coercive control sometimes hamper leaving the relationship for many years. The literature also says that it can take several tries before leaving is successful. It takes time to overcome fear and self-doubt, perceive better options, and plan for a new life. We have to be emotionally ready to leave and prepared to protect ourselves as best we can. No one should push us into it, no matter how well meaning they are. I try to be very careful about my recommendations to people who are considering leaving because they know best what will work for them. Tammi’s story provides an example of what can happen when a person is not ready to leave. After Tammi’s marriage to Frank, her supervisor noticed that she came to work with bruises and that her work performance declined. Tammi admitted 94

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that Frank sometimes hit her, but she felt that they could work it out. Her supervisor told her she didn’t deserve this, that he would never change, and she should leave. Tammi began staying home when Frank was abusive because she didn’t want anyone to know. One day when Tammi arrived for work with a fading black eye, the supervisor called the police, forcing Tammi to report the abuse. Frank was arrested and faced charges. He blamed Tammi for reporting and convinced her to deny he abused her. She apologized to Frank and quit her job to soothe him. What Tammi’s supervisor did well was to notice an employee’s distress and ask about it rather than looking the other way. It was also important that she told her she didn’t deserve abuse. What was not helpful was telling Tammi what she should do and forcing her to report. Leaving a coercively controlling relationship involves a complex process of information gathering, grieving, and making plans for a safe exit when we are ready. Reflection on Your Responses to Your Partner’s Behavior • • • •

Reflect on your response to your partner’s abuse. Has it changed over time as your awareness has increased? If so, how? Journal about whether you see a difference between being a victim of intimate partner abuse and some other type of crime. Do you see partner abuse as a crime? If you’re feeling pressure from others to leave but haven’t decided that’s what is best for you, look for support from an advocate or therapist. If you have harsh self-judgments, these do not serve you well. Choose to focus on what you’ve learned and what you want to do differently.

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CHAPTER 12 INJURIES Trauma I began to feel like I was in an emotional and mental prison. I wasn’t free to think, feel and do what I wanted. I started believing that my opinions and actions were wrong. That I am controlling others if I voice my opinions. I felt pulled in every direction and not good enough. I become scared, emotional, filled with fear and anxiety when he’s angry. Every day you live in fear of doing something wrong. I feel exhausted all the time. I can’t put my thoughts into words; I feel frozen. I feel like I’ve lost myself.6 These survivor comments reflect the tremendous impact of coercive control. It wounds us just as any other type of traumatic incident does, whether it’s a natural disaster, child abuse, stranger rape, or gun violence. These shock our systems, affecting our emotions, bodies, beliefs, behavior, and sense of self. Traumatic incidents have two things in common: 6

Suffering trauma results in emotional, physical, mental, and behavioral changes that are injuries, not personal defects.

Survivor responses to a survey about how coercive control affected them.

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• •

Loss of control over what happens in our lives, and Experience of life events that undermines expectations our world is a safe place.

Suffering trauma results in emotional, physical, mental, and behavioral changes that are injuries, not personal defects. The injuries impact our very sense of self, damaging us spiritually as well. Spiritual in this context means “relating to or affecting the human spirit or soul, as distinguished from physical nature[LI].” The damage can be short term or chronic. The extent of the harm depends upon many factors, including its intensity, length of time, and our prior histories. We may only think of trauma as a single incident, such as rape. However, constant abusive behavior often causes more extensive damage. Just as we can’t be in a burning house without suffering smoke inhalation, we can’t escape being affected by coercive control when we’re exposed to it daily.

Recognizing Injuries Intimate partners encourage us to believe we’re crazy and that we deserve how we’re treated. Often, we By recognizing how have firm beliefs we bear responsibility coercive control when bad things happen to us, so this injures, we’re shifting bolsters their case in our minds. By recognizing that coercive control the focus from “what injures, we’re shifting the focus from is wrong with us?” to “what is wrong with us?” to “what has “what has happened happened and how has that impacted and how has that us?” We often view abuse injuries as impacted us?” personal defects rather than symptoms of abuse. Relabeling shifts the responsibility. When a car pulls out in front of someone who then can’t avoid hitting it, we don’t arrest that person for the accident. Similarly, we are not responsible when others harm us. We don’t cause abusive behavior, despite what partners say. Physical injuries are easier to see. Because much of coercive control isn’t physical, we often have trouble connecting our injuries with it.

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This similarly explains why others don’t perceive the harm rained on us. Recognizing injuries changes how we think and feel about ourselves. Because much of Rather than focusing on being weak, coercive control isn’t we can see how we’ve endured. Eventually, we gain confidence rather physical, we often than feeling defective. This begins the have trouble path of healing, as Kate’s story shows.

connecting our injuries with it.

Kate initially entered therapy because Casey convinced her she was crazy and needed to be a better wife. However, her therapist assessed that she was being emotionally abused. Kate learned that her low self-esteem related to how she was being treated. They worked on tools for changing her negative self-talk. Kate learned her difficulty with concentration and memory stemmed from the chronic stress. She made a friend she could confide in and this along with therapy gave her new perspective on her life. As Kate’s confusion cleared, she considered her options. Kate’s experience taught her what the saying “knowledge is power” means. The decisions we make depend upon our situations. There is no one right solution. However, when we correctly identify the problem, we are better equipped to decide how to respond. By reminding ourselves that partners’ behavior does not reflect on us but on their choices, we can refocus our attention on what we have control over. This stops the cycle of trying to please or change them. Staying or leaving becomes a choice weighed with other factors in our lives, including our safety. Betty’s story illustrates one path of reducing the power of an abuser. Betty felt responsible for how Robert treated her. She began attending a support group where others expressed many of the same things she felt— shame, guilt, confusion, and depression. Betty could see they didn’t cause their partners to harm them, so she stopped blaming herself. When Robert wouldn’t make the changes she asked for, she made a safety plan and decided on a legal separation. What she learned in the group helped her believe she didn’t deserve abuse and that she couldn’t change his behavior but could plan her response.

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

The rest of this chapter explores the emotional, physical, mental, behavioral, and spiritual impacts of coercive control. Alex’s story serves to personalize them. Notice what you identify with as you read.

Emotional Impacts Alex felt confused early in the relationship because nothing seemed to please her partner. The denial and accusations over time caused her to doubt herself. She grew overwhelmed with constant drama, such as her partner exploding over not having work clothes ready. The anxiety she felt began expressing as panic attack symptoms when she knew he was coming home. Alex’s fear increased when abuse escalated to punching her whenever she defended herself against comments that she was “stupid” and “uncaring.” Alex felt scared, confused, and hopeless. The constant stress of controlling relationships takes a heavy emotional toll: • • • •

• •

Having our perceptions and feelings questioned continually leads to distrusting our perceptions. If we defend ourselves and work hard to convince them how unreasonable they are being, this drains our energy. We often feel paralyzed by fear. We may be confused about how we feel, or our emotions may waver back and forth, such as between disappointment and hope or confidence and self-doubt. When our efforts to cope don’t prevent more abuse, we feel helpless and blame ourselves. We begin to live in fear of what they’ll do next.

Emotions provide important information about what needs our attention. It is normal to be affected emotionally by coercive control. These emotions impact our physical health and thought processes, which in turn alter our behavior, and all of them influence our spiritual well-being. In the Reflection exercise below, you can check off the emotions you’ve experienced. We will then briefly explore each one. 99

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Reflection on Emotional Impacts, Part 1 What emotions have you felt in connection with coercive control? These are common ones that survivors express. Check any that apply and add any others that are missing. ____ Afraid ____ Disappointed ____ Frustrated ____ Confused

____ Overwhelmed ____ Doubt ____ Guilt ____ Shame

____ Depressed ____ Anxious ____ Helpless ____ Angry

Other: ___________________________________________________________ The next pages explore these emotions. Understanding what you are feeling and why helps you not become trapped by them. Fear Fear is first on the list because it alters the shape of our relationships forever. Fear is the natural response to being harmed or threatened, whether that’s physically or emotionally. We understand it more easily with physical abuse, but may undervalue fear resulting from emotional abuse. Survivors and experts in intimate partner violence (IPV) and child abuse confirm its devastating effects on self-confidence and functioning. Our fears reflect the threats and harm we experience, such as: • • • • • • • • •

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Threats to hurt us or those we care about Homelessness and poverty if we leave Loneliness and rejection because they alienated family and friends Disbelief Harm to the children during visitation Alienation of children by the abusive parent Loss of custody if we leave Harassment and stalking because they won’t give up Homicidal or suicidal threats by the abuser

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Being subjected to behaviors that spark fear provide powerful motivation for giving in, staying, or returning to abusers. We know what they are capable of, so our fear is rational. Intense fear, especially when experienced over long periods of time, prompts other emotions. Gavin deBecker in his book The Gift of Fear[LII] says that threats lead to anxiety. This is especially true if people or circumstances block us from escaping. We also feel anxious when we assume that we should be able to fix it but can’t. Chronic fear also results in feeling helpless and depressed. Ongoing abuse may cause what I call “instilled fears.” These occur when we respond to the present with fear we learned from the past. This results in limiting what we do even when we are safe. It can become difficult to perceive the rational fears from those we learned, because we experience the same physical reactions with both. Tarana’s partner controlled her every movement. His rage when he found out about shopping or friend expeditions always ended in beatings. After his conviction and imprisonment, she moved and began a new life. However, Tarana felt terrified of going out in public, something that wasn’t true prior to their relationship. She restricted her activities and still felt controlled by him. Tarana felt crazy because she knew she was safe. It took time and trauma therapy to help her recover her freedom and ability to make her own choices. We will focus on instilled fears in the “What Can I Change?” chapters. Disappointed, Frustrated, or Angry We often experience these emotions when coercive control begins. When we complain and attempt to reason with partners, we feel disappointed and frustrated when they dismiss or sometimes, punish us. We often feel anger over the injustice we’re experiencing. We may be told we’re just as abusive as they are whenever we complain, and may wonder if they’re right. When expressing anger brings escalated abuse, we often hold it in. If we become bitter and react in aggressive ways, this complicates the situation. Before labeling your relationship as mutually abusive, ask yourself these questions. 101

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• •

Would you have acted that way if your partner had been respectful and fair? Were you doing it to control them or were you defending yourself from unfairness or coercion?

We lose our point when we react aggressively. It may feel good for a brief time, but it becomes a trap. They use it against us, and ultimately, we feel guilty. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be angry. Anger is a healthy response to being harmed. However, controlling partners believe only they are entitled to express anger. They add to their arsenal of putdowns that we have an anger problem. They may use it when we’re only disagreeing or expressing disappointment or irritation. Sometimes we feel scared of our own anger. If we’ve always seen anger expressed in abusive ways, we fear feeling it ourselves. We repress or deny it because we assume it will cause us to be aggressive. We also may block anger because we don’t know how to express it assertively. Anger is a healthy emotion; how we express it is a behavior. We can learn assertive choices in responding when we’re angry. While still in an abusive relationship, we have to consider whether it’s safe. If it’s not, we can find other people who can listen and support us. Confusion and Doubt We feel confused when partners: • • • • • •

Distort and twist things we say Deflect our complaints by saying we do something else Accuse us of being controlling when we express wants or needs Deny what we said or did Blame us for things out of our control Change the subject when we want to discuss something

Often confusion lies behind our saying we feel crazy. Being expected to sacrifice our well-being to our partners’ whims fuels it. Abusive acts are incongruent with love. Controllers operate out of a distinct set of beliefs and assumptions, which we covered in past chapters. If we keep expecting them to be fair and respectful, we grow more confused and frustrated. It’s important to pay attention to confusion; 102

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view it as a sign that something is not right. If needed, check it out with someone you trust. When abusers insist on behavior that ignores our wellbeing, it leads to When abusers insist a terrible double bind: if you’re true to on behavior that your feelings, you’ll get hurt, but if ignores our wellbeing, it leads to you give in, you’re giving up on a terrible double yourself. bind: if you’re true to Confusion increases indecisiveness. your feelings, you’ll We feel doubt about what the best get hurt, but if you course of action is, and mistrust that give in, you’re giving we’re capable of deciding. We often up on yourself. question what is real and feel in our gut that we don’t know “which end is up” because we’re living in so much turmoil. We may feel paralyzed. Feeling confusion and doubt feeds into self-doubt and poor self-esteem, which we’ll explore under Mental Impacts. Guilt and Shame When partners harm us verbally or physically, it often generates feelings of guilt and shame. The abuse acts corrosively because of internalization.[LIII] This term describes the process of matching others’ behavior, treating ourselves the same way they treat us. Two contrasting examples: If we receive blame a lot, we learn to self-blame and feel guilt. When we receive love, we feel loveable and can love ourselves. Our family environment shapes our personalities initially, but later relationship experiences also affect us. Guilt and shame also sprout from confusion. Controllers use our frailties to justify their actions, as Pam’s story illustrates. Pam felt guilty because she had no energy for organizing and functioning. When diagnosed and treated for depression, she thought things would change in her relationship. Paul had always raged about her housekeeping, belittling her and finding fault. However, his behavior didn’t change; her cleaning and cooking were never good enough for him. In fact, when she had more energy for socializing with friends, he became angrier and accused her of being a “gadabout” and neglecting the family. We mistakenly think our problems cause coercive control. Pam’s guilt over how depression affected her family led her to take care of 103

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that issue. A healthy response. Inappropriate guilt led her to take responsibility for her partner’s actions, something all controllers actively work to achieve. Pam’s work on herself opened her eyes to her partner’s problem. Elaine Pagels said, “We’d rather feel guilty than helpless.”[LIV] This captures a human truth. We resist the idea that we can’t always control what happens to us, leading us to look for our faults. While it’s a strength to look at ourselves, if we believe we’re responsible for everything that happens, we will accept responsibility for how others behave. The human ability of selfexamination goes awry when we We are all in charge apply it to things we couldn’t possibly of how we respond control. The reality of uncontrollable circumstances exists: jobs downsizing, to what happens to children or parents dying of cancer, us, but not for pandemics spreading, spouses others’ choices. choosing to abuse. We are all in charge of how we respond to what happens to us, but not for others’ choices. The belief that people always play a part in what happens to them partially explains why victims of rape, domestic abuse, and workplace harassment often experience blame and disbelief. They may hear things like, “What did you do to cause that?”, “What could you have done to prevent it?”, or “Why are you staying?” rather than empathy and blame placed where it belongs. Pagels also says that Judeo-Christian traditions sometimes portray suffering as punishment for something. This encourages beliefs that we must be responsible for how we’re treated. Interestingly, many traumatized victims of natural disasters or accidents search for what they did to deserve them or what they could have done to prevent them. Shame grows when we’re isolated because it enhances abusers’ control over how we think. Isolation occurs for many reasons: • • •

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Partners prevent us from seeing friends or family and sometimes from working. We may pull away from socializing ourselves because we feel embarrassed to tell anyone what’s happening. We may withdraw because we’re exhausted.

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•

We may desire to protect partners from being alienated from friends and family, especially if we are hopeful of saving the relationship.

Being isolated becomes a steep price because it traps us more firmly in confusion, shame, and hopelessness. We’re cut off from support and other input about what we’re experiencing. Appropriate guilt and shame play an important role in our lives. They cause us to make healthy changes. However, we have to learn what’s ours and what isn’t, what we’re responsible for and what belongs to someone else. Overwhelmed, Helpless, Depressed, or Anxious These emotions are the normal result of experiencing daily fear and frustration. Partners who refuse to acknowledge they have a problem, unsuccessful attempts to protect ourselves, lack of support when we reach out, lies and deception about events, and many other factors lead to psychological and physical exhaustion. Feelings of depression and anxiety are typical when we’re stressed by abuse. Having them doesn’t necessarily mean we have a diagnosis of long-term depression or anxiety. We should see these feelings as indicative that we need support. Having even one supportive friend or helper can go a long way in easing these feelings. Over the long term, these feelings sometimes grow into a depressive or anxiety disorder. We will examine these situational diagnoses under the Mental Impacts section. If we entered the relationship with chronic depression, anxiety, or other disorders, our symptoms may make us more vulnerable to abusers. Helpers whom are unaware of what we’re experiencing may miss that it complicates our treatment. In addition, we may think our diagnoses cause partners to harm us, something abusers encourage, as May’s story indicates. May entered therapy when she separated from Ron because he was emotionally and physically abusive. Her therapy assessment identified mood swings and impulsive behavior, and they diagnosed her with Bipolar Disorder. She returned to Ron because she believed his claims that her illness caused his abuse. May realized after a short time that Ron was using her diagnosis as another way to shame her and twist any complaints she had. While her mood swings were well managed, his abuse continued. 105

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Ron could have chosen to gently confront May on any bipolar symptoms and ask her to get help. His later behavior made it obvious that he had a problem that had nothing to do with her illness. Family members are responsible for how they act, even if our symptoms are causing difficulties. Healthy partners support, empathize, and set limits in a caring way. If we have a mental health issue, we have two problems to work on: an abusive relationship and the mental health condition. Our illnesses don’t cause abuse.

Reflection on Emotional Impacts, Part 2 • •

Journal about the emotions you’ve felt due to your partner’s coercive control. How afraid are you now of physical abuse? (place an X on the continuum below that matches the amount). Notice whether your fear has increased or decreased over time; if so, place an H (for historical) to mark what it used to be. (not at all)

•

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(a lot)

How afraid are you now of emotional abuse? If this has changed over time, how much fear did you have in the past? (place an X and H on the line) (not at all)

•

(a lot)

If fear has increased or decreased over time, how has that changed things for you? If you feel angry, find someone safe to talk to about it. If you’re uncomfortable with that emotion, explore the reasons why. It’s often hardest to feel compassion for ourselves. It may help to ask yourself what you would say to a friend who experienced something similar. You deserve the same comfort.

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Physical Impacts Alex feels like her body is falling apart. Her primary care doc diagnosed her with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Symptoms haven’t improved because her partner complains about the recommended diet and pressures Alex to eat “normally.” The doctor expressed concern about Alex’s blood pressure and sugar levels. She also feels achy and has low energy levels. Stressful environments affect our physical health. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control[LV] reports that the health-related costs of intimate partner abuse exceed $5.8 billion each year, including $4.1 billion for direct medical and mental health care services and $1.8 billion for productivity losses. Case examples make these statistics personal: • • • • •

Tina’s frequent stomach aches and ulcer episodes occur when her husband accuses her of having affairs with coworkers. Betty hyperventilates and has chest pain after fights with her partner. When she went to the ER, doctors diagnosed panic attack. Lana has frequent headaches when Jamie goes on a rant with nitpicking and accusations. Devon engages in frequent sexual activity outside the relationship and then forces Reese to have sex, resulting in Reese catching frequent sexually transmitted diseases. Since Stan left an abusive relationship several years ago, he received treatment for ulcer and intestinal problems, and now they have diagnosed his chronic pain as fibromyalgia.

Research studies illuminate the impacts of abuse on physical health. In one study[LVI], women who agreed with statements such as “I feel like a prisoner in my own home,” “I feel unsafe in my home,” and “I feel owned and controlled by my partner,” were 70% more likely to have physical health problems and mental health concerns. In addition, they reported more hospitalizations and doctor visits. Psychological and physical violence equally presented long-term health risks. Marilyn Ford-Gilboe,[LVII] a professor at Western university in Ontario who studies women who left abusers, indicated they frequently have health problems associated with older people at a younger age. Science points to the physical effects of chronic stress to explain these health problems. Bruce McEwen[LVIII], a neuroscientist at Rockefeller University and an expert on the biology of stress, indicates 107

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that being in a state of fight-or-flight is appropriate for short-term danger. However, when the harassment or threats are long-lasting, it pushes our systems to exhaustion, contributing to stress-related inflammation. Denise Schipani[LIX] summarizes how this happens. Stress results in the hormone cortisol releasing. It enables a fight-or-flight response by shutting down the non-emergency functions of our bodies, like the immune system and digestion. It does this by increasing the production of glucose for energy and inhibiting insulin production and narrowing the arteries. In addition, it releases adrenalin, increasing heart and respiratory rates. White blood cell production drops. These changes are meant to be short-lived. When it occurs over long periods of time, inflammation results. That is Emotional abuse the body’s response to any threat, causes just as many whether it’s a physical invader like health consequences bacteria or emotional stressors. Diseases that can result from chronic as physical abuse. inflammation include asthma, diabetes, hypertension, cardiovascular disease, inflammatory bowel disease, neck and back pain, migraines, arthritis, neurodegenerative diseases, bladder/kidney infections, cancer, and depression.[LX] Emotional abuse causes just as many health consequences as physical abuse.[LXI] According to Dr. Candace Pert in Molecules of Emotion[LXII], “The body is the unconscious mind.” She says the body stores overwhelming emotions. This knowledge underlines the importance of doing bodywork, such as therapeutic massage, yoga, or acupuncture, as part of our efforts to recover. We’re often rightfully concerned about how abusive environments affect our children. Cortisol affects brain development, as well as other systems. This leads to chronic adult health issues, proven by the Adverse Childhood Experiences research.[LXIII] When stress reduces, physical symptoms may stop, or at least decline. This makes an excellent case for ending stress as soon as we can. Unfortunately, that isn’t completely under our control. Controllers may frustrate our efforts, since they are reluctant to give up even when we leave. I know reading this information may be upsetting. We often can’t control how much stress we’re under and definitely cannot change the 108

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past. We can only do the best we can at stress management. One of the best ways is by establishing a network of friends, family, and professionals. Knowing that our physical symptoms have a situational cause doesn’t mean we shouldn’t seek medical attention. It’s important to eliminate any other factors as well as to seek therapeutic measures. Reflection on Physical Impacts •

What physical impacts have you noticed? Here is a partial list to get you started. Check off any that apply.

___ Heart palpitations

___ Elevated blood pressure

___ Indigestion

___ Chest tightness

___ Shortness of breath

___ Headaches

___ Teeth grinding

___ Neck/back tightness

___ Rashes

___ Hemorrhoids

___ Diarrhea, constipation

___ Irritable bowel

___ Chronic fatigue

___ Insomnia

___ Slumped posture

Other

• •

It’s vital to implement stress management strategies as much as possible. Refer to the first Reflection exercise in Chapter 1 for selfcare ideas. Sometimes the best stress management is to leave your relationship. When we decide that is true for us, we can begin to plan for it. Domestic abuse advocates, therapists, or other helpers can support you if desired.

Mental Impacts Her partner’s constant picking apart everything she said left Alex doubting herself and believing she couldn’t make it on her own. Any time Alex complained about his behavior, her partner called her the abusive one. Alex wondered if she was going crazy, and her partner agreed she needed to see a therapist to fix herself. 109

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Mental health refers to how we think and process information. Chronic depression, anxiety, and other disorders impact these abilities. While mental illnesses can leave us more vulnerable to abusive individuals, they do not cause them to harm us. Besides the emotional overwhelm of trauma, it impacts how we think and cope by: • • •

Altering our beliefs about life and how the world functions Increasing self-doubt Causing situational mental illness such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) We’ll examine each of these now to understand them better.

Altered Beliefs About Life We often struggle to reconcile our beliefs with what we experience. Beliefs that are often challenged are: • • • • • • • •

I have control over what happens to me I can rely on loved ones to have my back and care about my best interests I can trust my choices People are basically benevolent There is meaning in what happens Good deeds will be rewarded The world is predictable and orderly I am a person of worth who deserves good treatment

All trauma affects people’s beliefs about the world and about themselves, about their ability to be effective at what they do, and their ability to protect themselves from harm. Those who have their partners pursue them when they leave and victims of serious car accidents both experience a shift in their beliefs regarding safety and capabilities. However, the repeated nature of coercive control erodes a person’s belief in themselves and in their trust of the world to a greater degree. Parker left Charley after twenty years of severe emotional abuse. While work performance continued to be stellar, Parker had increasing difficulty relating to coworkers. Parker expected them to take advantage, so withdrew or reacted defensively whenever there was conflict. Unfortunately, this hampered a promotion to a supervisory position. 110

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Parker provides an example of how an abusive relationship can alter a person’s beliefs in ways that interfere with responding correctly to their current environment. Recovery involves examining any beliefs that became distorted, distinguishing assertiveness from dominating behavior, and learning how to navigate everyday conflicts and stressors. Otherwise, the beliefs shaped by trauma continue to shadow our lives. Self-doubt “Even with a strong sense of self, if our psychic boundary is frequently assaulted over a period of time, we may begin to feel uncertain. And, in an everincreasing downward spiral, the more we are uncertain on the inside, the more we are inclined to accept statements from the outside.” —Patricia Evans, Controlling People[LXIV] Taylor initially refrained from dating after divorcing an abusive spouse to take time to heal. After three years, friends encouraged it, but Taylor felt fearful and didn’t trust her ability to know whether someone was abusive. It felt safer to be single. The trauma of coercive control can change our self-concepts. In part, this is because we absorb the insults of our partners. Repeated verbal and physical abuse cannot help but alter how we view ourselves and our abilities to control what happens to us. It works its way into our psyches, affecting our self-esteem and confidence. When we are in survival mode, it’s very difficult to process and counteract these effects. Trust in our perceptions erodes and self-doubt increases. The psychological term “locus of control” mentioned in chapter seven also helps explain the erosion in our trust and confidence. This term refers to whether people believe they are in control of what happens to them. Researchers indicate that frequently men and women view their capacities differently. These generalizations can help us identify our own tendencies.7 Women often view their successes as externally caused, and look at the contributions of other factors. Men have a greater tendency to 7

I acknowledge that binary sex roles aren’t inclusive of all identities. However, locus of control applies to everyone. I did not find research into locus of control and non-binary individuals specifically. 111

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view their successes as internally caused and due to themselves alone. However, when women suffer a setback or have a problem, their inclination is to look internally and blame themselves, while men look externally and blame something or someone else. There could be some hard-wired gender differences, but I think these tendencies are also due to male and female socialization. Neither way represents the healthiest alternative. The importance of giving ourselves credit when we’re successful can be balanced with humility and crediting the contributions of others. We can look at situations for anything we might be contributing without blaming ourselves for everything. Coercive control encourages an internal locus of control, steering us to accept the blame doled out by abusers. When we constantly hear things like: you’re crazy, you’re unstable, and no one will believe you, that’s paranoid, or look at what a mess you are, we may begin thinking that they’re right. We have to develop trust in ourselves and an ability to analyze the truth of what abusers say. The past often haunts the present. For instance: Susie had trouble talking in class, even though she made good grades. She reported, “I can still hear the voice of my ex in my head, telling me ‘you’re stupid, you’ll never make it in school.’ It gets in the way of me speaking up in class and even putting my thoughts on paper.” Sometimes family, friends, and helpers add to our self-doubt by giving us advice and trying to fix it for us rather than listening and encouraging. They may feel concerned about our safety and push us to leave. Being told what to do even by wellmeaning supporters does not build our confidence. It may reinforce selfdoubt by seeming to support that we aren’t competent to run our own lives. Directive comments can undermine our confidence that we know what is best for us, and they add another expectation that we should please someone else over ourselves.

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Being told what to do even by well-meaning supporters does not build our confidence. It may reinforce selfdoubt by seeming to support that we aren’t competent to run our own lives.

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Situational Mental Health Diagnoses Just as traumas affect our physical health, they also affect our mental health. Situational depressions and anxiety often arise because of stressful or traumatic occurrences in people’s lives, whether grieving the death of a loved one, losing a job, developing a serious health condition, or experiencing intimate partner abuse. These disorders differ from those that are endogenous, meaning we were born with them and occur even when life is going well. The previous two mental impacts, altered beliefs and increased self-doubt, increase the likelihood that we develop situational mental health disorders. They become mental injuries that often improve when our situations change for the better. Medications may not be needed, but sometimes they are helpful in having the energy and calm to make decisions. If this is true for you, think of your brain as similar to a car battery. If the battery gets too low, it needs recharging in order for the car to function well. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is another injury caused by experiencing a terrifying event or events that cause us to believe we are incompetent to manage effectively.[LXV] The symptoms include intrusive memories, nightmares, hypervigilance, avoidance, flashbacks, difficulty concentrating, dissociation, and mood disorders such as depression. The research literature indicates that the dissociation used to cope with powerful emotions like terror leads to more severe symptoms. PTSD that results from emotional and psychological abuse often is less identified, though just as serious. A PTSD checklist is in the Appendix.8 Reflection on Mental Impacts

•

Think about whether you have changed in your ability to trust the world is safe when there is no evidence of danger. Have you noticed any changes in trusting your perceptions? What if any changes have others said they see? Look upon any as opportunities for growth; they do not need to be permanent. If situational depression, anxiety, or any other mental health condition has developed as a result of coercive control, therapy aids recovery. Find a therapist who understands your situation.

If you experience any of these symptoms, a good trauma therapist can help. The symptoms cannot totally alleviate if abuse is ongoing, but you can learn coping strategies as well as get support in making decisions. 113

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Behavioral Impacts Alex’s partner takes control of everything they do and becomes upset if she makes any plans of her own. Alex always waits to see her partner’s mood every evening, trying to avoid explosive behavior. Alex’s work has suffered due to the constant tension that interferes with sleep. She began drinking excessively to help fall asleep and to ease anxiety. She also fantasizes about dying for the first time. Alex realized that she had changed when her sister commented that she seemed less confident. The emotional, physical, and mental effects of coercive control affect our behavior. If we end relationships early because of abuse, the influence may be short term. However, even then it can cause longer term behavioral changes, such as being sensitive to even the suggestion of conflict. I group the behavioral impacts into two categories. The first includes coping strategies that backfire on us, complicating recovery. We make these choices as an effort to reduce or end victimization. The second group comprises behaviors that are injuries from trauma. Some are very common and others rarer. Check off the ones that ring true for you. Double-edged Coping Strategies We’ll first examine behaviors we use to cope with abuse that miscarry because they also can affect us negatively. They help us survive trauma, but aren’t solutions that create the lives we want later. Hypervigilance, Avoidance, and Submissiveness Hypervigilance refers to being on high alert for any signs that partners will be upset and abusive. Because we have to devote so much energy to monitoring and trying to please them, we have little for ourselves, our jobs, or children. This sometimes increases our irritability and impatience. Some clients report feeling guilty because they know they are more irritable than they’d like. Sensitivity to partner moods and behaviors leads to avoidance. We want to sidestep anything that we think will cause more abuse, an understandable motivation. We try to guard against displeasing partners by making adjustments to our behavior. These involve giving up what we want and need, denying our feelings, changing how we perform tasks, and isolating ourselves from loved ones or activities we like. In short, we become more submissive and give up who we are in 114

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favor of what our partners want us to be. We become shadows of our former selves. Avoiding any perceived signs of displeasure by acquiescing to abusers unfortunately reinforces their belief we are responsible for how they feel. Submitting plays into their sense of entitlement, that they have the right to get what they want and to exact punishment when they don’t. This becomes a vicious cycle. We don’t necessarily start out believing we deserve the abuse; we’re . . . giving in to avoid simply trying to avoid being hurt. aggression often However, giving in to avoid grows into a belief aggression often grows into a belief that we can prevent that we can prevent their abuse if we their abuse if we just just try hard enough. This becomes a try hard enough. This slippery slope to taking responsibility becomes a slippery for how they behave, often greased with controllers’ blame and belittling slope to taking comments. responsibility for Sky shows how avoidant behavior how they behave, may transfer to other relationships often greased with because of heightened sensitivity to controllers’ blame conflict and fear of displeasing others. and belittling

comments.

Sky found that speaking up at work was more difficult than it had been before dating someone who was abusive. Any hint of conflict led to a rapid heart rate and feeling short of breath, so they quickly gave in to what others wanted. Sometimes we appear to agree or submit because it costs us too dearly to disagree. We may also believe at the time they are right; “You know what is best.” Later we realize that our submission resulted from their coercive persuasion. This realization doesn’t feel good to us, but remember that intimate partners use similar tactics to terrorists. Relentlessness wears us down. Codependency Many of us are labeled or label ourselves as codependent. Codependence as a term originated with families affected by alcohol/drug problems. It refers to self-worth depending on taking care of others. Codependents neglect their needs and feel responsible for fixing everyone else. 115

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Living in a coercively controlling environment encourages what professionals label codependence. Constantly scanning for signs of danger and giving in to our partners are coping strategies that we hope will gain us some measure of control over our lives. We inhibit our expression of feelings and thoughts when we receive threats for voicing them. Normal everyday interactions—such as giving opinions, expressing feelings, making requests, and saying no—are dangerous. Our emotional and sometimes physical survival often depends upon maintaining hypervigilance and submissiveness. Harry interrupted Sandy’s study time, even when she had an important test. He told her “you’ll never graduate” and poo-poohed any good grades she received. If she didn’t drop what she was doing when Harry wanted something, he would verbally deride her and say she was selfish, and sometimes this escalated to physical abuse. Sandy found it difficult to think and concentrate on her schoolwork, and she ended up dropping out of school. She felt like a failure, which is also what Harry called her. Those who label Sandy’s giving in as codependent behavior don’t recognize the conditions that led to sacrificing herself. Living with controllers’ beliefs encourages adopting codependent like behavior. A few relevant beliefs from “Why Do They Hurt Us?” that influence our behavior are: •

•

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Those who label Sandy’s giving in as codependent behavior don’t recognize the conditions that led to sacrificing herself. Living with controllers’ beliefs encourages adopting codependent like behavior.

The “Me First” belief that other people should always meet their wants leads us to take responsibility for them. “No Empathy”, the belief that anything we want is invalid and selfish, chips away at our rights and wears down assertive behavior. “You Made Me Do It”, the belief that others are responsible for how they behave and feel, reinforces hyper-vigilance and taking responsibility for things beyond our control.

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When we live with those who believe these, we learn to identify our needs or wants as selfish. We’ll deal with that misconception in Chapter 28, which focuses on self-sacrifice. View codependent tendencies as one injury of coercive control. Self-depreciation Self-criticism and modesty sometimes go with codependence, but we should view them on their own. We may cope by using self-critical remarks to hide our strengths, a protective, false modesty that serves to salve partners’ insecurities. We may pretend not to know as much as we do or hide our successes. Self-deprecation also belongs under Mental Impacts when controllers’ criticism and belittlement harms our self-esteem. Regardless of how modesty originates, it can morph into feeling awkward talking about our accomplishments and strengths. We may also develop difficulty accepting compliments. This undermines us in relationships with other people, especially professionals and supervisors. The habit of downplaying our strengths suppresses our selfesteem over time, especially if we aren’t conscious about what we’re doing. Seeing that this originates in self-defense helps us not believe we’re defective. Compulsive Behaviors Compulsive behaviors such as alcohol/drug abuse or addiction, eating disorders, and compulsive gambling or sex, often begin as ways to cope with painful problems, such as intimate partner abuse. We may enter abusive relationships with an addiction or we may begin using to cope with coercive control. Whether addictive behavior began during partner abuse or prior to it, it is something only we can resolve. However, chronic coercive control complicates recovery efforts because ongoing trauma makes it more difficult to abstain and learn healthier coping strategies. Finding treatment providers who are trauma informed and know the dual issues of abusive partners and addiction is vital. We often feel guilt and shame about these behaviors and then assume they are causing partners to abuse us, something they often proclaim. Our recovery will not stop what they do. When we looked at partners who use substances, we acknowledged they have two problems: coercive control and addiction. The same is true for us as 117

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victims. Our compulsive behavior is a separate issue from the abusive relationship. We do not cause their abuse, and recovery on our parts will not mean they will stop. Just as we are responsible for changing our behavior, they are the only ones in control of how they treat us. Jake had a drinking problem and thought that was why Al was always criticizing him. When he became sober, however, he found that he still could not please Al. Everything had to go just as he wanted or he cursed and called him names. Jake’s self-esteem slipped, and he was tempted to drink again. Controllers who may or may not be addicts themselves sometimes insist upon us drinking or using drugs with them. A survey by the National Domestic Violence Hotline[LXVI] indicated that 43% of respondents experienced substance use coercion by an intimate partner. In this case, stopping the self-destructive behavior may lead to safety concerns, something that addiction counselors hopefully take into consideration by insuring we do safety planning. Sometimes we can stop substance abuse or other compulsive behavior when we’re no longer controlled. However, addiction requires treatment. Give yourself that support if you need it. Affairs We cannot overemphasize the importance of validation, support, and comfort while we’re figuring out what to do. Often friends, family, jobs, and therapists provide this. However, being human, some of us are drawn into affairs before we’ve ended abusive relationships. Experiencing love in a relationship that affirms us is a powerful antidote to the poison of coercive control. Those who treat us with caring help us feel loveable again and rebuild our confidence enough to leave. No one would recommend having an affair to do this, but if it’s already happened, it’s important to manage it as constructively as possible. We usually have self-blame enough without receiving it from anyone else; no shame or blame here. However, I encourage keeping several things in mind. First, don’t see new partners as saviors. It’s important for us all to grow and heal enough to make our own decisions. Realizing our vulnerabilities and what we want to change ensures that we can create the lives we want rather than ones controlled by others. The “What Can I Change?” section of chapters will speak to this. 118

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Next, the affair is not evidence that you deserved the controlling behavior, so don’t let guilt lead you to that conclusion. Abuse increases our vulnerability, and when we’re vulnerable, that affects the decisions we make. None of us are perfect, but we can use our imperfections as learning opportunities. We are responsible for our choices about how we end relationships. Responsibility for the abusive behavior belongs to controllers. Forgive yourself for any regrets you have and decide how best to proceed. Any efforts to make amends should depend upon whether it is safe. Our vulnerability may mean the new relationship isn’t the best one for us. It may be transitional rather than long term. It is not uncommon to date more than one individual before we find the most compatible person. When we are just becoming conscious and aware of abuse, we may choose another controlling relationship because we don’t see the warning signs. Or, we may find someone who isn’t the best long-term match for another reason. Before committing, I encourage taking time both to recover and to see how your new connection weathers conflicts. Give yourself time to heal and make decisions that are best for you Noncontrolling rather than handing them to someone partners appreciate else. Healing involves reconnecting with yourself: what you think, feel, strength, want what and want. This takes time and energy. is best for us, and can Future relationships will benefit from be patient while we the work done now. Hurrying are doing our work. through won’t benefit you because eventually old insecurities and fears reappear in new relationships. Spending the time now will result in healthier connections in your future. Take notice if there is pressure from new loved ones to rush into commitment. Noncontrolling partners appreciate strength, want what is best for us, and can be patient while we are doing our work. Recognize that now there are two factors: the coercive controller and a new relationship. New relationships can add stress, even as your self-confidence improves enough to end the abusive relationship. While new ties support us in leaving, they also complicate matters, since all relationships take time and work. If abusive partners learn about affairs, they may act out dangerously. At the least, it becomes

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another controlling tool they use when you separate. Do not allow guilt over an affair to determine what you do. Trauma Induced Behaviors These behaviors are direct injuries of trauma, especially repeated ones like intimate abuse or child abuse. Learned Helplessness When we’ve experienced powerlessness, we often behave powerlessly even in non-controlling relationships. Learned helplessness is the behavioral counterpart to our changed beliefs about ourselves and the world. Hearing negative messages over and over such as “you’re stupid,” “you’re incapable,” or “no one else will love you” acts to brainwash us into believing them and thus, into behaving as if they’re true. The power we had in past relationships influences our expectations for the present and future. The more powerlessness we experience, the stronger the belief grows that we aren’t able to influence our lives. This leads to feeling more helpless and thus less likely to assert ourselves. It becomes a vicious cycle. Abusers often seek those who are less likely to challenge them. This does not mean we are responsible for how they act, however. When we understand how prior abuse affected us, we can focus on behavior changes that empower us. Changes in Performance and Creativity Long-term stress affects our ability to focus, concentrate, think clearly, and function well. It influences attention to detail and memory. We may feel numb, so have trouble identifying what we are feeling. This interferes with articulating ourselves. We may seem to change our stories because we couldn’t access details under pressure, and others may view this as evidence we’re unreliable or even shifty. This is frustrating when we’re going through a divorce or other legal proceedings. Our fear may appear neurotic or paranoid to others 120

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because we either can’t explain it or are afraid of the consequences if we do. It’s no wonder performance becomes impaired. Recognizing it as the result of chronic abuse prevents us from feeling bad about ourselves and gives hope for regaining what we’ve lost. Parenting is one area that often suffers. Rita’s focus on keeping her children physically safe from their father interferes with meeting their other needs. Jim rages and lashes out when the children are noisy, and she frequently gets in the middle so he hurts her instead. She always says no when the children ask to have friends over. Rita doesn’t take them to activities they are interested in because of Jim’s possessiveness and jealousy. The constant tension wears her out, leaving her without enough energy to play with them. She feels guilty because the children’s needs are being neglected. Rita can’t nurture her children the way she would like because of Jim’s behavior. It either directly interferes or indirectly affects her because she doesn’t have the emotional energy to do what she would like. We may feel paralyzed and unable to decide what to do because the choices are all bad, causing us to freeze. Jill feels concern about how Chad rages at the children. He denies it’s a problem and accuses Jill of coddling them and interfering with his discipline. Fights over this result in screaming and yelling in front of them, making it worse. Recently, when Chad began aggressively spanking their oldest son, Jill froze. “I just wanted to disappear, get away.” She didn’t intervene because when she did in the past, her son suffered more. Jill felt guilty because she couldn’t protect her son. Chad makes it clear Jill and the children will pay a price if she intervenes, making it unsafe to be assertive. Until she is prepared to take action to leave the relationship, intervening may be unhelpful and

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maybe even dangerous. Unfortunately, we feel guilty when we freeze. In addition, children may lose confidence in us. Coercive control also affects work functioning. According to The National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, there are 7.9 million paid workdays lost per year due to domestic violence.[LXVII] Reasons for increased absence include partners preventing us from going to work or our being embarrassed to go because of physical injuries. Controllers checking on us also adds to our anxiety. In addition, constant tensions at home steal our ability to concentrate, affecting our work performance. This may lead to receiving poor work reviews or even being fired. Leah would arrive at work feeling exhausted because Ace frequently kept her up late at night with his outbursts. He constantly called her to check up on her and accused her of being interested in men who worked there. His behavior caused her to have trouble remembering details and deadlines. Leah’s last performance review was poor, and this added to her distress. The ability to work sometimes becomes so compromised, we need to take medical leaves of absence. Stress also affects creativity. Being creative requires emotional space and time, things abuse steals from us. Constant tension and unreasonable expectations subtract from our capacity to come up with ideas. Mary has a fine arts degree and was a successful painter for several years before marrying Damien. She came for therapy complaining of loss of motivation and creativity. During assessment, the therapist discovered that Damien was emotionally abusive. The constant tension and scathing criticism of her artwork interfered with her painting and caused her to doubt herself. With help, Mary saw how abuse was stifling her ability to create. Frequent Accidents Having frequent accidents often signals how stressed we are. Stress leads to more accidents as well as more illness. Preoccupation interferes with focusing on what we’re doing. Inattentiveness may 122

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extend to a lack of awareness of what our bodies feel and where they are in physical space. This may cause us to bump into objects, stumble more than normal, or ignore physical cues like hunger. This lack of attention is often unconscious; we may only realize it when we make mistakes or have accidents. If physical unsteadiness becomes pronounced, be sure to check it out with physicians to rule out another medical cause. Suicidal Ideation or Attempts, Cutting, and Other Self-harm Behaviors We may feel so overwhelmed, helpless, and hopeless that we wish we could die. Such thoughts signal how much emotional distress we feel; take them seriously. Sometimes desperation becomes so great that we begin to think of killing ourselves. What we really desire is for the pain to stop, meaning for the abuse to stop. Cutting, picking at skin or fingernails, and hair pulling are other examples of self-harmful behaviors that manage pain. These aren’t suicide attempts. They distract from the pain source we can’t control to a physical, more concrete pain that relieves pressure psychologically. They indicate difficulty managing powerful emotions. Usually these methods of coping begin with abuse at a young age when we had few alternatives, but can begin later in life as well. If this applies to you or anyone you know, I recommend talking to a therapist and possibly a doctor. Local domestic abuse agencies often provide good referrals. They are aware of experts in the community knowledgeable about abuse.

Reflection on Behavioral Impacts • •

Journal about any of the behavioral impacts you see in yourself. Does classifying these as injuries change how you view them? Reflect on any changes you want to make.

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Spiritual Impacts Controlling people As Margaret Paul says, “all abuse is interfere with the ultimately spiritual abuse.”[LXVIII] The combined impact of emotional, freedom to be who physical, mental and behavioral we are, and that injuries damages our sense of self, impacts our spiritual who we perceive ourselves to be.[LXIX] as well as mental Our sense of who we are includes health. our personal qualities, interests and activities, relationships with people we care about, work, and our accomplishments. Losing freedom of expression in any of these causes us to regard ourselves differently. Controlling people interfere with the freedom to be who we are, and that impacts our spiritual as well as mental health. Loss usually results in feeling we’re missing a part of ourselves. For instance, when we lose parents, we’re no longer someone’s child. If we lose a job, that influences how we see ourselves. Loss of the freedom to be represents the most profound impact of IPV. It explains why we say things like, “I don’t know who I am anymore,” or “I don’t know what I want.” Our abilities to know our thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants become impaired. We may even question whether we have the same rights as others. It may be difficult to separate our wants and needs from those of our children or a partner. Sometimes we’re so cut off from ourselves that we wonder if we are crazy. Another way we’re impacted spiritually comes from controllers misusing spiritual or religious teachings to shame us and solidify their control. This contaminates our spiritual sources, and either causes us tremendous shame or a loss of faith in God. We can revive our sense of who we are and what we want. The “What Can I Change?” and “How Do I Go Forward?” sections of this book may spark your thoughts about this.

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Reflection on Spiritual Impacts • •

Journal about the spiritual impacts you have experienced. Find inspirational books, blogs, podcasts, and people to support you in regaining your sense of self. There are suggestions throughout the book for additional reading. Reflection on Injuries and Coping Strategies

• •

We began this section referring to the maze of control. Using the information on injuries and coping strategies, put what you have experienced in the dead ends of the maze. Journal about them. Add any friends, family, or others whose behavior added to injuries.

Identify the supports you have, concrete or virtual, and place them along the maze path in another color. Notice there is an exit. Give yourself time to figure out what that looks like for you. Talking with others helps. That doesn’t mean you’ll adopt their solutions, but it gets your mental juices flowing.

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RESOURCES • • • • •

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Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine. (Park Ridge, IL: Parkside Publishing Corporation, 1991) How to Meditate: A Practical Guide to Making Friends with Your Mind, Pema Chodron (Boulder, CO: Sounds True, Inc., 2013) The Millionth Circle: How to Change Ourselves and the World, Jean Shinoda Bolen, M.D. (San Francisco, CA: Canari Press, 1999) The Woman’s Comfort Book: A Self-Nurturing Guide for Restoring Balance in Your Life by Jennifer Louden (New York: HarperCollins, 1992) Wherever You Go There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life, Jon Kabat-Zinn (New York: Hyperion, 1994)

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PART V WHY DO THEY BELIEVE THEY CAN CONTROL US? “You may think that politics has nothing to do with what happens in intimate relationships, and vice versa. But if that’s the case, why do you think political regressions—be they rightist or leftist, religious or secular—have focused so much on pushing us back to domination and submission in the relations between parents and children and between women and men? The reason is that these intimate relations are where we first learn to accept domination and control as normal, inevitable, and right or where we learn partnership ways of life.” —Riane Eisler, The Power of Partnership: Seven Relationships that will Change Your Life[LXX] This section examines the assumptions and beliefs that allow intimate partner violence, as well as all forms of violence and injustice, to exist. It then identifies the assumptions and beliefs that shift our culture toward nonviolent practices, giving examples of their existence today. • • • •

Chapter 13—The Belief in Power Over Relationships Chapter 14—The Cultural Engine Driving Domination Chapter 15—Examining Our Culture’s Dominator Tapestry Chapter 16—A Partnership Worldview

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CHAPTER 13 THE BELIEF IN POWER OVER RELATIONSHIPS “Violence cannot be reduced until we eliminate the norms and values by which it is tolerated, legitimized, and glorified.” —Murray A Strauss, et al. from Behind Closed Doors: Violence in the American Family[LXXI] “Violence is so normal you can’t tell perpetrators from the rest of us.” —Jackson Katz, The Macho Paradox[LXXII]

Asking the Right Questions This book thus far has been devoted to what coercive control looks like What about our society and how it affects us. It’s contributes to intimate understandable that we want to partner violence? know why partners harm us. Sometimes we blame ourselves. The prevalence of this Other times, we feel anger at them. problem is neither an Many treatment providers answer accident nor part of the question why batterers abuse human nature. Social their victims with, “because they can.” This section of chapters norms we grow up with answers the important question, permit many intimate “Why do they believe they can?” partners to believe it is To answer, we have to ask the alright to use power more important question: What and control. about our society contributes to intimate partner violence? The prevalence of this problem is neither an accident nor part of human nature. Social norms we grow up with permit many intimate partners to believe it is alright to use 128

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power and control. Along with the above question, there are others we could ask about our culture: • • • • •

Why are love and care for one another not valued more? Why are we so threatened by our differences? Why is there so much hatred and fear? Why do we ask what someone did to deserve violence or abuse? Why do we tolerate abuse and victimization?

We often unknowingly accept inequality and domination because it’s been part of the social fabric stitched into us. This explains why many people we turn to don’t understand coercive control. They may ask what we did, implying that some things deserve an abusive response. Whether this is intentional, it feels weighty. Sometimes we’re told that we see things as controlling that are not, the implication being that we’re mistaken or damaged by our experiences. When faced with messages that seem to deny or ignore our perceptions, we may feel confused, angry, or doubtful. An example: Maggie didn’t want to listen to the debates between her governor and his opponent. When she thought about it, she realized that his behavior triggered memories of how her abusive ex-husband treated her. The governor denied concerns and belittled those who raised them, twisted what people said, and changed the subject when confronted. When her parents laughed at her, she wondered if they were right that her past was tainting her perceptions. The truth is, Maggie’s past enabled her to see coercive control in another context. One part of post-traumatic growth involves being able to recognize power over dynamics.

Power Over Others All forms of domination rely on the premise that some are entitled to have power over others. As we are dealing with abusive relationships, we may face other situations that repeat unequal power dynamics. For instance: •

Survivors without money or training find little economic help because of a societal stereotype that the poor are lazy and undeserving. 129

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• • • •

Many women report being disbelieved, seen as emotional, and not taken seriously when they report abusive partners. Lesbian, gay, and trans victims hide abuse because they have been the victims of discrimination. Black and other minority victims don’t call the police because they have treated them unfairly and harshly in the past. State statutes focus on protecting parents’ rights without recognizing how emotional and verbal manipulation harms children.

Encountering these injustices can feel as if we have everything stacked While male privilege against us. Gaining insight into what’s behind them is like bringing the pieces is a major of a puzzle together, seeing the full contributor to picture for the first time. gendered violence, When intimate partner violence patriarchy is part of became a social issue in the 1960’s, the primary focus was on patriarchal something bigger and traditions that gave men power over is only one form women. We soon identified that abuse dominance takes. It also occurs among same sex and nonis the tip of a societal binary couples. While male privilege is a major contributor to gendered iceberg, underneath violence, patriarchy is part of which lie something bigger and is only one form assumptions and dominance takes. It is the tip of a societal iceberg, underneath which lie values that give some assumptions and values that give people the right to some people the right to dominate dominate others. others. Believing in the right to use force explains the frequency of intimate partner abuse and the epidemic of other aggressions, such as rape, racial violence, and other hate crimes. In recent years, we’ve looked at how all injustices have a common origin. #MeToo, Black Lives Matter, and other movements recognize the necessity of working together for justice. As Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” In the past, domestic abuse was viewed as a private problem, one in which society shouldn’t intervene. Laws have changed, but there still has not been enough attention to how social norms lead abusers 130

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to feel entitled to control. By focusing on this issue, we can liberate ourselves from ideas that we’ve unknowingly absorbed that permit and prolong domination.9 Reflection on Injustice • • •

Think about what messages and beliefs give a sense of permission for intimate partner violence. If this is new to you, sit with it while you read on about social norms and assumptions that encourage the controlling beliefs of your partner. Have you been affected by other forms of prejudice or injustice? If so, how did it intersect with partner abuse and complicate your experience?

9 Looking at controlling behavior within a wider context may be new for

you. This chapter gives a brief overview, which may be as much as you want. If this isn’t of interest right now, skip to what seems most relevant to you. If interested in additional information, please see Resources. 131

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CHAPTER 14 THE CULTURAL ENGINE DRIVING DOMINATION “The underlying problem is not men as a sex. The root of the problem lies in a social system in which the power of the Blade is idealized—in which both men and women are taught to equate true masculinity with violence and dominance and to see men who do not conform to this ideal as ‘too soft’ or ‘effeminate’.” —Riane Eisler, The Chalice and the Blade[LXXIII] Our culture is at a crossroads, being pulled in opposing directions. There are simultaneous tugs occurring in these and many other areas: • • • • • •

greater equality and inequality between women and men appreciation for cultural diversity and fear of differences acceptance of equality and backlash against it empathy and blame for assault victims identification of the sources of income inequality and structures that maintain it acceptance of LGBTQ identities and restriction of their rights

This chapter underscores the cultural patterns underlying these opposing pulls. The problem isn’t any particular ideology or political party, but something that originates deeper in our values. By shifting our focus from our partners’ abusive behavior to societies that permit it, we are not excusing their coercive control. All adults choose how they behave. Taking this wider perspective gives a deeper understanding of how societal factors complicate efforts to change our intimate relationships. While this doesn’t fix our situations, it helps us to loosen the bonds of self-blame and confusion. Knowledge truly is power. 132

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Task-Driven and Power-Driven Hierarchies The key to how we behave lies in what we believe about power and our rights to wield it. A belief in one’s right to dominate paves the path to all forms of power and control over others. If we as a society are going to curb intimate partner abuse, we have to identify what leads us toward wanting to dominate as well as what encourages equal partnership with others. Both pathways begin with our inborn ability to categorize and analyze, something that differentiates us from other animals. Authority and hierarchy are natural to social order. We separate people into categories, such as females and males or different races. This mental ability serves us in many ways. For instance, to know how many schools our community needs, we have to know the number of school-aged children. We sort and plan based on categorizing people as: • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Male—Female White—Minority Rich—Poor Young—Old Adults—Children Boss/Supervisor—Employee Heterosexual—Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Cisgender—Transgender10 Educated—Uneducated Thin—Fat Able-bodied—Disabled Mentally Healthy—Mentally Ill Intelligent—Developmentally Disabled Christian—Jewish, Muslim, or other Our country—Other nations

Some of these categories have inherent hierarchies that are constructive. Parental guidance of young children, the teacher/student relationship, and lines of responsibility at work all 10 Webster defines cisgender as of, relating to, or being a person whose gender

identity corresponds with the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth. Transgender refers to a person whose gender identity differs from the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth. 133

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serve society. Riane Eisler[LXXIV] terms these “actualization hierarchies” because they promote growth and efficiency. Domination occurs when categories are used to label some as less valuable, deeming them as deficient, abnormal, or bad. These labels are then used to justify discrimination and abuse, which limits the rights and resources allocated. Over time, the effects of these limitations are used to justify more bias. This process makes discrimination seem part of the natural order. Here are examples from two categories that affect many of us: Traditionally, women’s jobs were limited to teaching and nursing, and those professions were paid less than male-dominated ones. Possessing fewer resources increased their vulnerability to job loss and therefore reduced the likelihood they would push for better wages. This historical bias in women being paid less continues to affect them, even those in traditionally male professions. The inequality grows when future wages remained tied to beginning compensation. Historically blacks were limited to manual labor jobs. Discrimination in educational opportunities and housing inhibited them from gaining better employment. Earning less, living in substandard conditions, and struggling for survival makes it difficult and often impossible to better their status. Discrimination becomes entrenched when their education and standard of living become the basis for viewing them as deficient. These examples illustrate how categories have been used to justify power over dynamics. Riane Eisler calls this type, “domination hierarchies”[LXXV] because they rank people as to their value and rights. This harms people, whether we are talking about racial, gender, sexual orientation, appearance or any other method of categorization.

Power Over Tactics According privileges to some people but not others separates and divides them. Labeling anything that challenges those in power as bad or abnormal solidifies the hierarchies. Dominators of all kinds use behavior that exert power and control to:

• • •

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• • •

Ignore needs, Deny reality, and Restrict freedom or access to rights.

These are the same strategies that abusive partners use. They maintain Domination power imbalances. We see a historical hierarchies and the example of this in the way our entitlement that government forbade Native American traditions by labeling them inferior or accompanies them heathen and by denying treaty are the tap roots commitments. Domination hierarchies from which intimate and the entitlement that accompanies partner abuse and all them are the tap roots from which intimate partner abuse and all forms of forms of injustice and injustice and violence grow. violence grow. Johan Galtung says that “violence was built into our society’s structure, showing up as unequal power and life chances.”[LXXVI] We can use domination in all types of relationships, as we will explore in “How Do We Recognize Abuse of Power?” chapters. Those who use power and control believe they have the right due to the assumptions and beliefs that interweave our social fabric. We will examine these in the next chapter and reflect on how abusive partners mirror them.

Moving Beyond Our Socialization It is a general rule that when we are privileged, we don’t see that privilege. We don’t see discrimination that we don’t experience unless we educate ourselves about it. We also don’t identify how we go along with unjust social norms because we assume what we learn at a young age to be the way the world is. For instance, most females didn’t dream of becoming doctors before the 1970s because they saw no female doctors. They also were often discouraged from pursuing the sciences. If we’re able-bodied, it may not occur to us that curbs inhibit those with walkers or wheelchairs. This explains why men who say they support women’s rights are often unaware of their violation. In the same vein, many of us did not understand intimate partner violence until it touched us. It is important to be compassionate with ourselves. Shariff Abdullah, in his book Creating a World that Works for All, talks about our “deep identities.” [LXXVII] They are race, ethnicity, and 135

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culture; language; religion; class; and gender. These aspects influence what we know about the world. The good news is that what we were born into or taught does not limit us. We can learn and grow throughout our lives. Reflection on Injustice and Dominance Hierarchies • • •

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What domination tactics do you see used in other forms of injustice? Have you been affected by other forms of prejudice or injustice? If so, how did it complicate your experience of partner abuse? Reflect on what your partner believes entitles them to be abusive.

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CHAPTER 15 EXAMINING OUR CULTURE’S DOMINATOR TAPESTRY “If we don’t call things what they are, we won’t get in front of the problem.” —Dane County District Attorney, Ismael Ozone[LXXVIII] “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing is changed until it can be faced.” —James Baldwin, I Am Not Your Nigger

Dominance Assumptions We’re going to unmask “power over” structures by investigating the assumptions that permit them. We’ll look at the beliefs that flow from them and act as threads that stitch injustice into the fabric of life. We’ll explore the policies and behaviors of society that stem from these assumptions. We will also identify how the beliefs and behaviors of partners examined in the “Why Do They Hurt Us?” chapters conform to them. There are four basic assumptions that fuel power and control in our society. They are: • • • •

Power is finite & must be hoarded. Power comes from power over others. Differences are threatening. Some people have greater worth.

Society’s acceptance of these dominance assumptions helps maintain a status quo of inequality. Each assumption feeds one or more beliefs that permit misuse of power. As we explore each one, we 137

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will give examples of how they show up in society, as well as how they manifest in intimate relationships.

Power is Finite & Must Be Hoarded We often act as if there is a limited amount of power in the world. When we work under that assumption, we jealously protect our power. We believe that if someone else has power, that detracts from ours. We Lose if We’re Not in Control This black and white thinking makes regulating others’ behavior normal. Such a mindset presumes that others will control us if we don’t make the rules. Competition becomes elevated over cooperation, as well as winning at all costs. The concept of a common good loses out; it is seen as unattainable. Believing this may lead us to feel threatened when others succeed. Structures built around these beliefs result in power over others being valued more than working together and sharing power. Give and take is viewed as weak or passive. Manipulation and the need to win impair attempts at negotiation. Fairness and empathy lose out. This belief rejects any who challenge the status quo of power. Society sees those seeking their rights as a threat, and they become scapegoats. Throughout American history, African Americans and immigrants have been seen as threatening when they sought inclusion in the American dream. This dominance assumption is blind to the advantages of expanding rights and sharing power. Examples: • •

Many elected leaders refuse to debate and negotiate but instead scapegoat their opposition. They view cooperation and compromise as a loss of power. Some corporations claim new technologies and higher costs are the sole reasons for job losses and pay cuts, rather than the fact that their companies prioritize profits for stockholders over their workers’ welfare.

When we believe we will lose out if our needs are not the sole priority, we are not concerned with finding solutions that benefit everyone. We protect our power and feel we are being controlled when others’ needs are on the table. Greed is often the assumed root of this, 138

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but I believe fear lies underneath that. The concept of shared decisionmaking as well as the common good feel like submitting to others. It’s time to question the prominence placed on competition and the pursuit of status. Reinforcement for competition and being “on top” occurs daily through reality TV and other media. This feeds our belief that this is the path to success. It is not a long stretch from this to controlling partners believing: If I’m Not in Control, You’re Controlling Me

Power Comes from Controlling Others This assumption supports the entitlement of some over others. It also feeds into three coercive controller beliefs we examined. Dominance by Some is Normal and Right. This belief thread accepts that some have a right to be dominant. It permits intimate partner abuse, racial discrimination, gender inequality, the growing gap between rich and poor—in short, all forms of discrimination. Believing in the rights of some to control serves us well with accepting elected leaders. This democratic tradition represents a good example of Eisler’s actualization hierarchies reviewed earlier in this chapter. However, our acceptance does not mean we believe a particular group has the right to dominate. In dominance prone societies, questioning is discouraged and those who buck tradition are often viewed as abnormal. For example, during my childhood, an adult female who wore pants and worked at the courthouse faced ridicule for her “mannish” ways. Our expectations can be shaped in subtle ways. When schools did not permit girls to wear pants, they weren’t as likely to take part in competitive sports. When we saw only males in positions of power, many women didn’t dream of leadership. A woman in one of my groups once said that being assertive didn’t seem “feminine.” Even with societal changes regarding women in the workplace, many still feel like imposters when they advance into leadership positions. Accepting traditional norms can keep us from perceiving our gifts and discovering life’s possibilities. Gender norms led to men’s careers historically being seen as more important. This shaped their expectations about what they could do and led them to have greater resources and status. It’s hardly 139

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surprising that some males still feel entitled. A negative side effect for them lies in the pressure they’ve felt to succeed and provide for families. Some other examples of entitlement in our society: • • •

Latinos and blacks face harassment for being in public spaces where no one would question a white person’s right to be. Many assumed until 2008 that African Americans could never be elected President. We judge women in political positions according to superficial qualities such as appearance and emotional expressiveness, unlike their male counterparts.

Many of us intellectually resist these prejudices, but they exist as implicit biases that we do not see unless we open ourselves to others’ points of view. These biases grow out of society’s assumption that some have more rights. They flow naturally into intimate partners following the belief path: I’m Entitled—My Needs and Wants Come First Might Makes Right. This belief enables those in control to think they always know what the best solutions are and that they have the right to enforce them. This arrogant belief justifies any behavior that gets the desired result. Maintaining rightness becomes the primary value rather than fairness. The self-interests of those in power determine what they see as “right.” Therefore, the rules can change if it benefits them. One historical example are the treaties made with Native Americans that were broken when resources were discovered on their reservations. A more recent example is police violence toward peaceful protestors. This belief motivates leaders to criticize those who challenge the status quo. It permits the use of violence when people do not submit. Rigid rules ensure things are “right,” translated “done their way.” Examples: • •

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Controlling managers have trouble delegating and instead micromanage and criticize what their supervisees do. American leaders justified the war in Iraq by accusing its leaders of developing nuclear arms, even though they never produced evidence of this.

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Some political leaders lie or distort the truth about their opponents to get re-elected.

This mindset spins out two controller beliefs that result in an arrogant insistence that they know how you should be with justification about enforcing it: My Way is the Right Way I Must Do Whatever It Takes to Maintain Control

Differences Are Threatening Anything Different Must Be Bad Belief in the entitlement to dominate and therefore be right strengthens believing that those with dissimilar viewpoints or lifestyles must be wrong. Wrong becomes equated with “bad” or “inadequate.” Any group labeled this way is viewed as unimportant or threatening, depending upon how much they challenge the status quo. Their opinions and needs can then be discounted or attacked. Operating with this belief means dominators’ rights have more weight. They view empathy as being weak and giving in. Dominators resist accountability because they cannot admit being wrong. They blame those who try to hold them accountable and deny wrongdoing. They also often twist the truth. Examples: • •

We have seen African Americans as threatening or suspicious in public spaces when engaged in normal activities. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trans-gendered individuals are attacked and discriminated against.

This belief pits people against one another, thus interfering with working together cooperatively. This prevents examination of different opinions that can result in solutions that benefit everyone. It’s no wonder that coercive controllers feel threatened and believe: I’m Okay; You’re Not Okay When You Disagree with Me 141

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If You Do Not Agree with Me, You Are Wrong To ensure maintaining their power, dominators undervalue the needs and opinions of any who differ with them. Those in power ignore or question the legitimacy of views that are inconvenient. This tactic happens even with populations usually deemed worthy, such as the military example below. Examples: • • •

Military leaders ignored post-traumatic stress disorder for years, minimizing soldiers’ concerns. Agencies serving poor or minority people regarding housing neglect to seek their opinions or needs, resulting in solutions drifting toward the majority needs. The public often views those accused of assault as more credible while disregarding or disbelieving sexual assault survivors’ stories.

Ignoring and denying problems demoralizes victims of injustice and makes them feel invisible or unimportant. Using insulting terms to poke fun and criticize increases shame and guilt, making it even more difficult to rise above unequal circumstances. Blaming them for not doing better completes the vicious circle. Believing power to be a finite resource interferes with recognizing others’ concerns as valid. Authority figures become blind to the needs of others when they perceive empathy as weakness. Those with this dominance belief minimize and degrade anyone who complains about mistreatment or lack of resources. No wonder controllers are firm in believing: Your Needs/Wants/Feelings/Opinions Aren’t Valid

Some Groups and Individuals Have Greater Worth Problems are Deserved Those in power focus on their rights and entitlement. However, when challenged to be accountable, they quickly focus on what’s wrong with others. They divert attention with false accusations and insist the powerless have more ability to influence their lives than they do. As a result, we do not hold the powerful accountable.

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Challenging the legitimacy of people’s issues flows right into blaming them for their problems. Society often justifies how they treat people by identifying a characteristic or fact that is beside the point, in effect blaming them for their abuse or financial circumstances. Ironically, people are told they aren’t deserving because of the consequences of discrimination and victimization. For instance, those with post-traumatic stress symptoms may be seen as lazy or unwilling to work. By blaming them and withholding services, victims are further traumatized. For example: • • •

Rape victims are often viewed as provoking their attackers by how they dress or where they go. Military leaders claimed the victims of Agent Orange had other problems rather than recognizing its toxicity on service members. Welfare recipients are seen as lazy and undeserving rather than limited by lack of opportunity.

We can follow this thread to the belief controllers have that we deserved abuse: You Made Me Hurt You We Know Best What You Need This belief cements entitlement and makes it seem normal. They claim the right to exercise power and to define what the minority or less powerful receive. This belief takes away any motivation for understanding others’ viewpoints. Dominators often conceal ill treatment of people behind a front of caring. Compassionate sounding speech disguises the truth. Since we often assume people have the same ideals and values we do, we may not recognize their superficiality, especially if we’re not directly affected by them. It’s important for all of us to look at whether actions result from words and whether they demonstrate something beyond self-interest. Those with less power are shorted on resources. Examples: •

•

Some companies tout their services but work their employees 15 hours a day, do not adjust their work for health issues even when a doctor orders it, and prohibit unions that would advocate for them. Legislators proclaim pride for those who served in the military, but cut funding for veterans’ programs in favor of other priorities. 143

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•

Projects that benefit the middle and upper classes replace tenements destroyed because they’re unsafe, leaving low-income people with food deserts and inadequate housing.

This societal mindset is like controllers’ justifications for their behavior. We as survivors have often been duped into accepting the unacceptable because they say: I Control You Because I Love You

Society’s Gaslighting When partners twist reality and cause us to doubt ourselves, we call this “gaslighting.” [LXXIX] This term is just as applicable to society. Dominance beliefs form a tapestry of consistent control and denial that maintains the status quo in society, just as they preserve our partners’ power over us. These assumptions and beliefs become accepted as “normal.” Other viewpoints are considered wrong, ineffective, and sometimes illegal. This gaslighting often discourages those with less power, much like it does when we experience it in intimate relationships. These assumptions have seeped into families and institutions for centuries. They affect us, even if we disagree with them. Here are some ways work, religious, service, and governmental organizations demonstrate dominator assumptions. • • • • • • • • • • 144

Inequality in pay and job opportunities between men and women Layoffs and reduced wages for middle managers and workers while CEOs are paid bonuses Defaults on company pensions and health care coverage while protecting stockholder profits Maintaining short staffing in nursing homes that are for-profit institutions Different loan requirements for whites and minorities Higher cost groceries and other necessities in poor areas Individuals with culturally idealized body shapes given preferential treatment in hiring Religious participation excluded for some because of gender, race, or sexual preference Those seeking help treated with disrespect rather than using their knowledge and skills Employees required to work 15-hour days under work conditions that endanger their health

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• • •

Workers not given sick leave and dismissed if they miss work for illness Leaders working toward diplomatic solutions to international problems called weak and unpatriotic Citizens called disloyal or unpatriotic when they question policies

The gaslighting of society is part of the structural violence mentioned by Galtung[LXXX]. Resisting change often has more to do with preserving the self-interests of those with power. However, they often claim it’s in the best interests of society or government, disguising the true beneficiaries. The dangers of this cover-up of social/political issues are many, a few of which are: • • •

Developing the illusion that injustice is happening because of people’s flaws, rather than because of system problems. Blaming societal issues on scapegoats. Believing that injustice is inevitable.

Another danger lies in us believing our problems are due to personal failures rather than it being symptomatic of how our society operates.

Our Empowerment Societal norms affect what we’ve learned to believe about ourselves. By identifying how society mistakenly permits our partners to believe they can control us, we can also look at what we have learned to accept. Seeing intimate partner abuse as having societal roots does not mean we each have to become involved in social movements. We don’t have the energy for that during personal crises. I firmly believe that all individual work contributes to tipping the balance toward justice in our society. This means the changes we make work toward societal change. Biologist Rupert Sheldrake and The Hundredth Monkey[LXXXI] story indicate that culture changes when a critical number of people alter

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their attitudes and behavior. We all make a difference with each of our We all make a difference with each individual changes. Everyone who of our individual lives free from abuse strengthens the changes. Everyone support for freedom and justice. See who lives free from your experience as part of the struggle abuse strengthens for change. the support for There are allies who are working freedom and justice. toward solutions. If there comes a time See your experience when you want involvement with as part of the broader social change, contact your struggle for change. local or state domestic violence organizations. The next chapter identifies what society looks like when partnership assumptions replace the domination world view. Reflection on Your Experience of Injustice •

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Journal about what you think about the ideas presented in these chapters. We shape our lives by taking in ideas and deciding for ourselves. That includes integrating what this book says with your perceptions. Don’t see this (or anyone else) as having the final say. Reflect on how gaslighting applies to society’s handling of injustices.

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CHAPTER 16 A PARTNERSHIP WORLDVIEW “Dominance, even the threat of it, is a form of dehumanization. It’s the ugliest kind of power.” —Michelle Obama, Becoming “In our world, divide and conquer must become define and empower.” —Audre Lord “. . . we can change this world right now by shifting our consciousness and our values from a foundation of exclusivity to one of inclusivity. This shift in consciousness is the core of the world’s major religions.” —Shariff Abdullah, Creating a World that Works for All[LXXXII]

Resurrecting an Old Model In order to make changes, we have to envision a replacement. Substituting matriarchy11 for patriarchy isn’t the answer. That would exchange one type of domination with another. As Einstein said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” This chapter focuses on societal values and beliefs that support fairness and respect instead of control and domination. We usually assume the present represents progress over the past. However, assumptions from an ancient system provide the healthier model needed today. They continue to exist in the form of religious, spiritual, and democratic ideals, providing a contrasting pull in society toward respect and caring. This brings about a confusing disconnect. For instance, religions promote “love your neighbor,” but that often 11

In matriarchies, women govern the society and are heads of the families. 147

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gets lost with how society treats the poor. Dominator justifications often discard the old teachings as impractical or naïve. Riane Eisler[LXXXIII] reminds us of this ancient system, which she calls the Partnership model. These societies valued equally females and males and organized in non-hierarchical ways. Patriarchal societies overthrew them and revised ideas, codes, perceptions, and values in line with males dominating females. The following chart contrasts Partnership assumptions with the Dominator ones we examined.

Much of the conflict we experience in our society lies in the tension between dominator and partnership assumptions. Partners abusing us when they say they love us represents one example of the clash in assumptions.

Transforming Assumptions “It is essential for any viable model to promote people trusting themselves sufficiently to value their own experiences, instead of accepting unexamined assumptions and values.” —Joel Kramer & Diana Alstad, The Guru Papers: Masks of Authoritarian Power[LXXXIV] All four Partnership assumptions interact and support one another, just as the dominator ones do. Let’s examine how balancing society with Partnership beliefs would change our lives. We will also recognize instances in which they already operate. All Have Inherent Worth The partnership model values everyone and sees them as contributing, regardless of their status, class, race, gender identity, or any other 148

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attribute. Respecting the worth and dignity of all people provides fertile ground for the other three assumptions to take root. This assumption presumes everyone deserves understanding and respect, even when they think differently. Those operating with this mindset approach differences with curiosity and a willingness to learn and cooperate. This assumption underlies democratic, humanitarian, and religious values. While evolutionary and sociological studies confirm that hierarchy occurs with all mammals, they also indicate that working together cooperatively has been essential for our development. Humans are not as physically adapted for survival as many forms of life, since our young are vulnerable for a longer time. A major reason we survived as a species was our ability to form communities to help one another. Many people extend this assumption to believing in the dignity of all life. The Domination mindset affects our planet’s resources and climate because too many cultures view Earth as something to conquer, rather than a resource to value. Living in harmony with our planet and all living things improves the quality of life for everyone. Being in nature is one of the best ways for us to destress. Examples of this belief operating today: •

• •

Nancy suffered from a severe case of mononucleosis and had to take a month off from work. Her employer continued her salary, even though she exhausted her sick leave, and encouraged taking care of herself. Many countries set aside national parks to preserve the environment for everyone to enjoy. All citizens of European countries have access to the same health care and other safety net supports.

Power is Infinite In order to understand this principle, we have to strip dominator meanings from the concepts of power, strength, and conflict. Instead of seeing power as about brawn and force, the Partnership model acknowledges and respects that genuine power comes from within, not from controlling others. This concept also redefines how we view strength. In the Partnership view, we are strong when we’re aware of our emotions, believe in ourselves, and express what we think with confident words and actions. When emotions are strengths rather than 149

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signs of weakness, they can be safely expressed and used to discern the right course of action. This contributes to a sense of security and power. We often associate the term “conflict” with violence and abuse because those who dominate use these to impose their will. The partnership model views disagreements as inevitable, since we’re not carbon copies of one another. This perspective accepts others’ rights to their points of view. That acceptance opens the door to efforts to understand and find common ground. We can explore their reasons with curiosity, rather than having to force our viewpoints on them, defend ours aggressively, or give in. When we accept everyone’s opinions, feelings, and needs, we can negotiate and compromise. In contrast, dominator systems devalue as “feminine” behaviors like empathy, compromise, and negotiation. Believing power is infinite affirms that we build on what others do or discover. Openness to new information allows for ideas to grow into creative solutions. Many discoveries, such as penicillin, occur because someone sees the new possibility embedded within a mistake, rather than dismissing or hiding it. When one of us wins, it adds to everyone’s well-being. Understanding this allows us to experience others’ strengths or accomplishments without feeling intimidated. Power vastly increases when we work together, each success making it more likely all will succeed, thus increasing the health and strength of society. Examples of believing power is infinite: •

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Katie found it helpful to hear about group members’ experiences, even when their choices differed from hers. Her sharing about doubting herself led to a group discussion since others also experienced that. They decided the sharing they did created a supportive environment in which they could learn from one another and individually decide what was best for them. Organizational team-building exercises encourage everyone to come up with ideas without judging them. Responding to them with an attitude of “yes, and” keeps the dialogue going. One idea leads to another until agreement is reached. When the legislative process works well, it involves hearing diverse viewpoints respectfully, gradually arriving at a resolution.

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Power Flows Both Ways The Partnership model views power as shared, with a goal of finding win/win solutions, ones satisfactory to everyone involved. This requires receptivity, openness, and empathy instead of competition with one victor. Sharing power means it feels fair to everyone, even though it isn’t always 50/50 at any one time. It entails working together to arrive at decisions, with give and take flowing both ways. Our power as individuals increases when we’re respectful, receptive, and open instead of defensive. Sharing of power means the community wins rather than one group or individual. This worldview also has benefits for organizations. Hierarchies improve efficiency by organizing with partnership traits. Such systems have cooperative and democratic management, with accountability flowing in both directions. They use “power to” and “power with” strategies and emphasize supporting everyone in doing their best. These organizations encourage and acknowledge everyone who contributes, and by doing so, they improve their ability to adapt to changing circumstances. They use power over others only when necessary for discipline or termination, such as when people aren’t performing their jobs or when abusive or illegal behavior occurs. Examples of believing in shared power: •

•

• •

Fred and Bess planned an evening out because their busy lives were affecting their relationship. An out-of-town friend he hadn’t seen in months contacted Fred and wanted to meet for dinner. Fred called Bess to talk over what to do. She told him to go ahead, and that she appreciated his not scrapping their plans unilaterally. They rescheduled their night out. Parental control with children is necessary with health and safety concerns. Good parenting also enlists children in decision making in age-appropriate ways, giving choices when possible, and guiding them in making decisions. CEOs achieve long-term benefits for their companies when they give production line workers input into their work because there is less turnover and increased production.[LXXXV] In nations where women have higher status, they value caregiving more. Everyone has paid family leave, more vacation time, free health care, and a more comprehensive safety net. This contributes to a higher quality of life for families.[LXXXVI]

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Diversity Empowers “If you have come here to help me, you’re wasting your time. But if you have come here because your liberation is bound with mine, then let us work together.” –Lila Watson Early humans’ survival depended upon the primitive part of their brains suspecting new things. It’s vital for us to understand this old instinctual brain. We can use our frontal lobe’s ability to analyze and reason to override it as needed rather than giving it free rein. To change our reactions to newness, we have to accept diversity as a given. When we do, we can more easily understand and respect what lies behind different views. Sharif’s deep identity[LXXXVII] concept mentioned previously determines who we are and what we believe. Our identities form at an early age before we can evaluate what we’re taking in. Race, ethnicity, and culture; language; religion; class; and gender influence their formation. Whatever we’ve absorbed we see as facts, which explains why we often interpret things differently. Learning how and why others feel and think as they do permits constructive conversations. We often find similarities in our values even though we have different opinions, making it possible to find common ground for working together. Diversity invigorates relationships and societies by producing more creative energy for solving problems. When Benjamin Franklin said, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes,”[LXXXVIII] he was affirming the constancy of change. It is vital to respond to it in ways that create solutions rather than battling over who is right. Examples of this assumption operating today: •

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Jane and Jim’s therapist taught them to value one another’s strengths. Jane’s organization and cleanliness added to Jim’s ease in life; he began cooperating with requests she had. Jim’s spontaneity and flexibility added to Jane’s ability to have fun, so she let go of her need to have a “perfect” house in favor of having more joy and free time. Helen took part in a diversity workshop for work, though she initially downplayed its relevance. When she heard the experiences of African Americans in dealing with white people’s fear, she realized her own behavior around them. Helen’s father always told them to lock their doors when they drove through

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black neighborhoods. She was happy she examined her old learning. United States culture values independence and individuality, which encourages innovation and progress. Many other cultures place more value on family duty and conformity, which encourages cooperation and constancy. Some international corporations integrate both types of values because they increase both innovation and stability.

Contrasting the Worldviews This chart contrasts key concepts associated with partnership and dominator models.[LXXXIX] Notice the advantages for health and wellbeing with the partnership model.

Facing Doublethink George Orwell, in his classic novel 1984, coined the term “doublethink” to describe the holding of opposing beliefs without being aware of any contradiction. This explains how we sometimes tolerate inconsistences between our beliefs and behavior.

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When we understand the dynamics of coercive control, we often confront two issues. First, we may have accepted some dominator beliefs, and second, we interact with others who believe them. None of us escapes socialization. We may deny the realities of domination to cope with it. You may remember from Chapter 1 how defensive I was when someone pointed out my submissiveness before I was ready to see it. Much of the conflict I had was due to how my upbringing did not prepare me for finding the equality I desired with a partner. Understanding our lack of consistency also helps us with the second issue. We often have family members, friends, attorneys, family court counselors, and others who don’t see what is now so clear to us. It can be puzzling and hurtful dealing with those who “don’t get it,” as I’ve often heard people put it. “Doublethink” affects them as well. Riane Eisler addresses this when she says there is the “paradox of A deep-seated needing to communicate new perspectives to people who are caught system of domination up in a paradigm that makes it difficult, if not impossible, to see hides other ways of them.”[XC] This is like saying we cannot organizing life, see the forest for the trees. We frequently see dominator ways of whether that’s behaving as human nature or normal and then excuse them. Think of the relationships, work, saying “boys will be boys” as a classic example. A deep-seated system of or our political domination hides other ways of system. organizing life, whether that’s relationships, work, or our political system. Let’s acknowledge we’re all human instead of falling into the trap of feeling shame because we didn’t understand this before. We often get caught in that strong rip current when we’ve had a history of being blamed. Please swim out of it by focusing on guilt instead. We can use that emotion to motivate and empower our choices in the future. The next section, “How Do I Recognize Abuse of Power?”, illuminates how dominator assumptions express as abuse of power within families, workplaces, schools, professional relationships, religious communities, and in our political arenas.

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Reflection on Partnership Values • • •

Reflect on where you see dominator and partnership values in our society. Which model was most dominant in your family growing up? How did that affect you? Think about where the partnership model operates in your life as well as places you want it to be working.

RESOURCES Books: • The Chalice and the Blade: Our History, Our Future, Riane Eisler. (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1987.) • The Power of Partnership: Seven Relationships That Will Change Your Life, Riane Eisler (Novato, CA: New World Library, 2002) • The Partnership Way: New Tools for Living and Learning, Healing Our Families, Our Communities, and Our World, Riane Eisler (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1990.) • Violence: Reflection on a National Epidemic, James Gilligan. New York: First Vintage Books, 1997. • The Macho Paradox, Jackson Katz (Sourcebooks, Inc., Napierville, Illinois, 2006) • Creating a World that Works for All, Shariff Abdullah. (San Francisco, CA: Barrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., 1999) Documentaries: • The Great American Lie (2019), Miss Representation (2011), The Mask You Live In (2015), Jennifer Siebel Newsom, director. The Representation Project is a leading global non-profit organization dedicated to shifting the public’s attitudes and behavior around gender in order to transform culture. Websites: • Center for Partnership Studies: https://centerforpartnership.org/ • Partnerism: https://www.partnerism.org/ • The Representation Project: https://therepresentationproject.org/

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PART VI HOW DO I RECOGNIZE ABUSE OF POWER? “Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” —Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run with the Wolves “You see what you expect to see. You see what you have the labels to see. You see what you have the skills to manage. Everything else is a blur.” —Sue Annis Hammond & Andrea B. Mayfield, The Thin Book of Naming Elephants This section shows the toxic forms domination takes in our social institutions. The chapters summarize the subjects based on my research and clinical experience. None of them represent the subject in its entirety, but each chapter ends with ideas for gaining further information. Family relationships are covered first because they provide our springboard into the rest of life, affecting how we interact with others. When a misuse of power in other relationships occurs to intimate partner survivors, it compounds their injuries. Intersectionality is a new term that takes into account how different identities and experiences can cumulatively combine to disadvantage or privilege us in unique ways. • • • • • • •

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Chapter 17—Power and Its Use Chapter 18—Families Chapter 19—Schools Chapter 20—Workplaces Chapter 21—Professionals Chapter 22—Spiritual Life Chapter 23—Political and Economic Arenas

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CHAPTER 17 POWER AND ITS USE “Seeing more clearly the hidden nature and pervasiveness of authoritarian beliefs can itself undermine their power.” —Joel Kramer and Diana Alstad, The Guru Papers: Masks of Authoritarian Power[XCI]

Overview We are now ready to talk about how abuse of power shows up throughout our society. In order to do that, we need to once again talk about hierarchy and how it serves or hampers justice. Abuse of power in the settings discussed here have in common unequal power structures that serve a . . . hierarchies, such purpose, which we termed as parent and child or actualization hierarchies[XCII] in employer and Chapter 14. For instance, hierarchies employee are not such as parent and child or employer inherently good or and employee are not inherently good bad; we accept these or bad; we accept these types of power types of power inequalities and find them beneficial. inequalities and find Professionals, whether school, them beneficial. . . . religious, therapeutic, medical, legal, Problems only arise when individuals or some other type, have implicit abuse the physical, power because we go to them for help. emotional, or Problems only arise when institutional power individuals abuse the physical, entrusted to them. emotional, or institutional power entrusted to them. Doing so stems from the same assumptions that drive intimate abuse. Being mistreated as a child often increases vulnerability to abuse from other people. However, sometimes facing what happened makes 157

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us better equipped to protect ourselves with others. Similarly, injuries from intimate partner abuse may increase vulnerability to other forms of misuse of power. However, we may also have an advantage over those who experience it for the first time. We can see it for what it is. This is why this section is important. There is no insurance against meeting those who abuse power. However, when we understand what healthy behavior and boundaries look like and what represents red flags, we can respond protectively. We’ll begin by getting comfortable with the word “power.”

Personal Power We may be uncomfortable with the concept of “power” because we suffered from partners misusing theirs. Let’s free the word of negative connotations. Think of it as being a personal attribute we all have. We each possess ideas, beliefs, and preferences and have the right to express them and fulfill them in words and actions. This makes up our power, which we can use while also respecting others’ rights. Intimate relationships should be equal with shared power. Real partnerships operate from a “power with” attitude. For instance, some couples have one wage-earner while the other one spends more time with children and maintaining the home. Or, if one partner loses their job, the household has to rely upon less income for a time. These inequalities in financial input don’t create problems when couples have shared power. We may temporarily give more power to a partner by agreeing to what they want; we call this cooperating or compromising. As long as this is fair, with give and take on both parts, this is healthy. Teacher/student or boss/employee hierarchies exist to empower others and to accomplish tasks. Some inequalities in relationships exist because of age or education, such as parent/child. Others exist because we seek help from leaders or professionals, such as doctor/patient. We do not give up our power or rights when we interact in these relationships. Respect and mutual power, appropriate to age, should be a given.

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CHAPTER 18 FAMILIES “A family is a microcosm, reflecting the nature of the world, which runs on both virtue and evil.” —Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul

Respectful Relationships All parents and other caregivers have power over their children that hopefully works in their best interests. The ways we guide them impact how they esteem themselves. This affects how they then form relationships with other humans and relate to the world. Personality and genetics play a role in forming who children become, but the family can also moderate their effects with either healthy or abusive parenting. Children unconsciously absorb and model themselves after parents and significant others. Those who grow up in healthy families have built-in advantages with their self-esteem, resiliency, and their abilities to care for themselves and develop good relationships. Dan Neuharth, in his book If You Had Controlling Parents[XCIII], provides a picture of healthy parenting. It influences, guides, and encourages independence by providing: • • • • • • • • •

Nurturing love Consistent, appropriate guidance and limit setting Respect for who they are Open communication which allows dissent and questioning Emotional freedom to feel any emotion Encouragement of achieving potential Compassion for mistakes or failures Inspiration to develop compassion for self and others Social connections to others and society

Good parenting promotes independence as well as guidance and nurturance. This insures children grow up with abilities to be self159

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sufficient as well as connect to and empathize with others. The capacity to be both independent and inter-dependent on others creates mentally healthy individuals who can form nourishing relationships.

Misuse of Power Parents and other caregivers can misuse their power in two ways, by treating children with hostile control or by neglecting their needs. Hostile control uses shaming, blaming, and belittling. Family rules give harsh treatment for mistakes, often including normal ones that children make as they learn. There also may be unreasonable rules or expectations. Specific examples of hostile control behaviors: • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Taunts using derogatory names Unfair accusations or punishment for things they didn’t do Expectations that they perform tasks without being taught Criticism even when the child has achieved something (e.g. getting A’s and one B on a report card) Refusal to allow children to play with peers or allow peers to visit the home Punishment when children disagree or express their own opinions or feelings Ridicule of expressions of sadness, hurt, or anger Mind reading expected regarding parental needs Children’s interest in other adults or activities viewed as disloyal Lack of privacy (e.g. closed doors not allowed) Insistence on keeping family secrets from the outside world Critical or lewd comments about developing sexuality Expectations that children serve as confidantes against the other parent Special attention given to entice acceptance of sexual behavior

Neglectful parents give too little guidance and are often absent when children need them. This absence may be emotional as well as physical. For instance, alcoholic parents may be present but unable to care for their children when they are drunk. Neglect of physical and/or emotional needs takes many forms: • •

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• • • •

Withholding help or support for achievement at school and extracurricular activities Withdrawing or giving no support to children who are grieving over a loss Allowing a child to play unsupervised in a dangerous area Allowing children to be with adults who are dangerous (drug users, known sex offenders)

Injuries Anyone who has experienced a childhood peppered with toxic parenting knows how it damages their confidence and sense of worthiness. Shame and unworthiness result from parents’ unreasonable expectations for performance. Frank could never seem to get ahead because he never finished what he started. When he sought help for his procrastination, his therapist helped him uncover how his father’s disapproval and scorn were at the root of Frank’s sense of unworthiness. “You’ll never amount to anything” kept him from venturing toward his passions in life. “You never do anything right” made him doubt himself and quit when he couldn’t do things “perfectly.” Children not taught something but then punished for not knowing it often are anxious. Striving to measure up may bring success in adulthood, but usually comes with a cloak of unworthiness and perhaps perfectionism that prevents enjoying their achievements. Unreasonable restriction of children’s desires and ideas prevents them from discovering who they are and damages their confidence. In addition, they may feel shame if they stray from what the family deems acceptable. Those who adapt by pleasing others to get the love they crave often find they reach adulthood without defining what they want and feel. Adults who experienced neglect as children often think they missed out on how to prosper in the world and feel like they don’t fit in. Their social and emotional skills may suffer, and even when successful, self-doubt haunts them. Minnie mostly raised herself and her younger siblings starting at age four, since her mother usually collapsed onto the couch when she came home from work. Minnie quickly learned to feed herself and clean up or else she would go hungry. She began washing her clothes by age six because her schoolmates 161

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made fun of her for smelling. As an adult, Minnie was an over-achiever and constantly doubted herself. She felt anxious that others would see she was a fake. Children may or may not know there are healthier ways to interact as they grow up. They may set out on their own as early as they can, but they do so with dented confidence and self-esteem. Kids take what they learn in their families, both positive and negative, into their school lives, work places, friendships, groups and associations, and intimate partnerships. The following illustrates how this happens when what they adopt is unhealthy.[XCIV] •

They may identify with significant adults and act like they did, even when they disliked their behavior (e.g. by using unreasonable control, criticism, attack, or neglect of needs).

Jim frequently gets angry when he doesn’t feel in control at home, just like his father did. He either ignores his wife and kids’ feelings or mocks them. He often responds with rage to ordinary occurrences like the kids running through the house. This results in his family tip-toeing around him. •

They may respond the same way they did when young (e.g. with submission, withdrawal, or rebellion/power struggles).

Sandy constantly finds herself in caretaking relationships with men and her friends, which continues the role she learned as a child with a chronically ill mother. She complains that her friends are “takers” and never consider her needs. However, she also feels guilty whenever she thinks about doing anything for herself. •

They may treat themselves the same way they were treated (with unreasonable self-restraint, self-blame, self-attack, or self-neglect).

Julie is very self-critical and self-conscious. Her mother’s mocking voice whenever she expressed herself as a child echoes in her head and keeps her from opening her mouth. Others see her as stuck up because she keeps to herself. When Julie talks to others, she is careful to control her feelings and say things she thinks would please them. People usually incorporate all three ways of learning. Using Jim as an example, he identifies with his father by behaving like him. He also continues to repress any vulnerable feelings like sadness because his 162

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father made fun of him for crying. When he experiences a loss, like the death of his mother, he calls himself a “weakling” and expects himself to just get over it, an example of treating himself like he was treated. When children rebel against abuse, this seemingly positive response may bring mixed results. Angela had an unreasonably critical step-father. She was an outstanding student and did not cause problems, but she could never be good enough to please him. Angela began making choices against whatever he wanted to claim her independence and individuality, rather than because she truly wanted it. As an adult, Angela opposes others’ ideas without thinking, something that hampers her ability to listen and compromise. She also feels a strong need to be in control. Angela’s rebellious response may become a problem if it continues. She needs to be aware of her own wants and learn to assert herself in healthier ways. People often develop strengths in response to abuse, such as working hard and performing exceptionally in their jobs. Regardless of whether others consider them successful, they often feel unworthy and unhappy. Ann’s childhood included severe verbal abuse by her father and witnessing his physical abuse of her mother. She determined to leave home and never be “weak.” She graduated high school with honors and now has a career as a doctor. Despite this, Ann holds herself to such high standards that she often feels like a phony. Her perfectionism also taints her relationship with her husband because she finds it difficult to tolerate when he does things the “wrong” way. Her father’s motto, “If you can’t do it right (i.e. my way), don’t do it at all” is a voice that governs her mind. Ann’s husband can’t understand why his strong wife doesn’t stand up to her father when they visit. This woman’s repetition of her father’s unreasonable expectations shadows her career success and her relationship with her husband. Leaving home to get away from parental control did not free her from being submissive with her father. Continuing the story with her therapy illustrates the emotions often felt when child abuse survivors work on changes. Ann felt guilt at first when she began talking about her father in therapy. At various other times, she felt anger, sadness, and loss. As she understood her patterns and why she learned them, she developed compassion for herself and stopped her harsh self-criticism. This freed Ann to learn new behavior, such as letting go of always having things her way with her husband. She then tackled how to respond to her parents as an adult rather than how she did as a child. This included giving up the belief she needed her father’s approval. 163

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Becoming an Empowered Adult If you had a coercively controlling family, the most important thing for you to recognize is that healing and acceptance take time and support. Effects such as low self-esteem, a shame-based self-concept, and caretaking of others can improve with compassion and practice. These injuries need attention, just as a broken leg does. Recognizing what you wish to work on charts your road to freedom. If parents continue to exert control, we can name the boundaries we need and build our belief that we deserve to set them. We cannot change abusive parents. I suggest writing in a journal or writing a letter you don’t send to get clear regarding what you want to do or how you need to express yourself. Some adult children choose to confront their parents. I encourage them to examine their motivations. Telling their parents what they could not as children can feel empowering. If they are doing it with the hope parents will change, this usually results in disappointment. People rarely receive apologies or acknowledgement that behavior was wrong. More commonly, they have to assume the relationships will never be what they wish them to be. We may negotiate tolerable relations with parents even when they don’t change. However, some people have to end contact or limit it because it is so toxic. Everyone has to figure out what is best for them; there is no one ideal way. Sometimes parents die without the accountability we prefer. The good news is recovery is not dependent upon our parents. It’s painful when we experience denial or rejection. Know that you can find peace psychologically regardless of the state of your relationship or even whether your parents are alive. This involves a two-pronged approach: • •

Accept your parents for who they are and who they aren’t. That doesn’t mean you approve or are happy about their behavior; it just means facing reality. Work to empower yourself by healing the wounds through any of these modes: therapy, self-compassion, healthier relationships, self-help groups, and spiritual practices.

All of these help us fully explore what happened and how we felt. When we don’t let ourselves experience emotions, they stay bottled up inside and impede our growth and recovery. This can affect physical health as well as emotional health.

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Grieving any loss, including not having the childhood you deserved, Grieving any loss, involves accepting what was. This including not having means giving up the focus on the past and letting go of anger and the childhood you resentment. The reasons for doing this deserved, involves are for your sake, not for others’ accepting what was. benefit. It’s not the same as avoidance. We need not grieve our entire lives, so it is right to seek resolution and peace. Some people call this forgiveness. That may be a loaded concept, especially if we have been told by abusers or others to “forgive and get over it.” Reject that form of minimization and blame. Forgiveness is a process, and we can’t rush it for others’ comfort. To restate, it’s for your own peace of mind, not theirs. You will realize when you are ready. By allowing our feelings and acknowledging what was, we can then work on becoming the person we wish to be. There are many therapeutic resources that can help us on this journey; choose any that fit from the Resources that follow or others that you like. Reflection on Child Abuse • •

•

If you identify with being abused as a child, journal about how that experience affected you. Recovery from childhood abuse can be difficult. Notice whether you think you need to do this on your own. That could be repeating the pattern of not receiving the guidance you needed when you were younger. Do you see strengths that you developed because of what you experienced? Though you’re not grateful for what happened, give yourself credit for how you managed in spite of it.

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RESOURCES Books If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World by Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. (New York: HarperCollins, 1998) The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist; Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse, Debbie Mirza (Monument, CO: Place Publishing, 2017) Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives, Pia Mellody (San Francisco, CA: HarperSanFrancisco, 1989, 2003) Web Sites Web MD: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/ Medline Plus, a service of the U.S. National Library of Medicine and the National Institutes of Health (http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/parenting.html Adult Children Anonymous and Child Abuse Survivors local meetings or 12 Step Online Groups: http://www.12stepforums.net/

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CHAPTER 19 SCHOOLS “Bullying is an ongoing and deliberate misuse of power in relationships through repeated verbal, physical and/or social behavior that intends to cause physical, social and/or psychological harm. It can involve an individual or a group misusing their power, or perceived power, over one or more persons who feel unable to stop it from happening.” —Bully: No Way![XCV]

Respectful School Environments Young people have high needs for belonging and for being viewed favorably by their peers. In their quest for individuality and independence, they form bonds with friends. Parents and teachers guide them in establishing healthy boundaries and in being respectful and assertive. Schools that encourage healthy relationships are those that: • • • • •

Give dignity and respect to everyone, See mistakes as opportunities for learning rather than for punishing, Focus on people’s similarities, Encourage looking beyond appearances, and Promote tolerance for differences.

Young people who learn these values in school take them into future work and personal relationships. School is the second most influential force in a young person’s life. It sometimes is the greatest source of positive learning. These values create an unfriendly environment for intolerance. Staff trained about bullying and mobbing educate all students about it, not just those perceived as problems. This inoculates them against participating in or tolerating bullying. Schools support students by 167

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providing information regarding healthy disagreements, problem solving, and stress management techniques. These policies build systems that hold bullies accountable, support victims, and transform any unfortunate incidents into learning experiences.

Misuse of Power Students bully by using words and actions that negatively influence others’ views. They single most anything out as unacceptable. Experts on school bullying divide it into three basic types[XCVI]: •

•

Physical—This involves physical force to gain advantages over students. Examples are hitting, kicking, pinching, shoving, slapping, and taking objects away. This is the easiest to identify and often what comes to mind when talking about bullying. Verbal—This involves the use of words, including ones that name call, humiliate, intimidate, tease, and shame. This type is harder for people to see since it leaves no physical signs. Others may minimize it by telling victims to ignore it. Social—Also known as emotional bullying, this form is even harder for authority figures to notice due to its often hidden nature. This includes disrupting friendships, excluding from social groups, spreading rumors, using hand gestures, making faces, whispering, and breaking confidences.

Verywellfamily’s website[XCVII] highlights three sub-types of bullying. Cyberbullying uses social media and the internet to do both verbal and social bullying. Embarrassing pictures and threats bring harm to their recipients. Though it isn’t physical, this form can encourage being targeted physically. Oakley thought Charlie was a friend until they both confessed to being interested in dating Addison. Charlie texted Oakley mean things, such as “Addison would never date you. You’re so unattractive!” The texts got nastier, but the final straw came when the school principal received an anonymous call claiming that Oakley stalked Addison. This caused embarrassment, even though many of Oakley’s friends did not believe it. Oakley was certain it was Charlie, but had no proof when called into the principal’s office about it. 168

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Sexual bullying can use all three types of harassment. Examples include forced sexual contact, unwanted touch, sexual insults or actions, sharing revealing pictures, and sexual slurs. Reputation assault often leads to further sexual bullying. Females in particular experience sexual pressures and double standards regarding sexual activity. Adam pressured Tamara to have sex after two dates. She was afraid of losing him and gave in. Adam broke up with her shortly afterward and told all the boys she was “easy.” Tamara felt betrayed and dirty, and was afraid to talk to anyone about what happened. Her friends treated her differently, and the boys who asked her out expected to get sex. Tamara became increasingly despondent; she stopped dating at all and stayed home from school activities the rest of the year. A variation on sexual harassment occurs when students want to look experienced so tell lies about their sexual activity. This may also occur as revenge when victims say no to advances. Prejudicial bullying uses racial, ethnic, or sexual identity or orientation prejudices to target people. These three forms of harassment may be open or hidden. Examples are racial slurs, class put downs, revelations about someone’s sexuality, homophobic comments, and religious belittling. Severe instances of this can lead to hate crimes. Carl’s experience exemplifies race and class bullying and also shows mobbing, since others adopted Rob’s harassment. Carl’s family was poor, so his clothes were few and worn. He didn’t worry about comments that his jeans were not “cool.” However, Rob started calling him “poor nigger in baggy jocks” in the locker room because his underpants had lost their elasticity. Boys repeated this all over the school, including in front of Carl with girls present. He felt so humiliated, he began making excuses to stay home or skip school. The racial slur and other peers repeating Rob’s insults worsened the psychological and social injuries. Teachers and administrators often miss bullying because it’s hidden. Other times, they minimize or ignore it, expecting young people to work out their differences on their own. This is reasonable if they do so in respectful and assertive ways. If not, the adults should intervene. 169

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Parents and teachers unfortunately sometimes use offensive terms referring to students or ridicule those of different races or religions. Young people may mirror this modeling and feel permission to dish it out to peers. Examples of bullying behavior: • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Making fun of physical or emotional disabilities Spreading a rumor to discredit Shunning, ignoring, refusing to respond Leaving dead animals, used condoms, or similar disgusting items in a locker Having sex and then telling everyone about it Whispering slurs audibly when someone passes by Turning their back when a person speaks to them Teasing cruelly (sometimes passed off as a joke) Restricting a person’s movements or where they can sit Using demeaning gestures Blackmailing or extorting Telling lies to turn friends against someone Outing a person’s sexual orientation or other private information Belittling personality, clothes, family, or other personal characteristics Threatening to harm physically or socially Hitting, kicking, punching, shoving, tripping, pushing, spitting Taking someone’s things Breaking personal property Embarrassing in public

Injuries School bullying can scar a person’s life. The amount of damage done depends upon the student’s personal and family resources and the school support given. Bullying often results in anxiety, depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Severe problems lead to suicidal thoughts or acts. Bullying begun at a young age undermines the young person’s emotional and social development, as Finley’s example illustrates. Finley’s disability affected confidence and assertiveness. Starting with age 5, peers misused Finley’s trusting nature to get what they wanted. As they entered middle school, Finley’s friends betrayed her several times, and they 170

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spread lies in the small community. Finley experienced severe anxiety and depression that led to self-destructive thoughts and eventually refused to go to school or take part in social groups. As this shows, the effects of bullying include isolation and reduced status, reduced willingness to socialize, and a general lack of trust in other people. It may develop into social anxiety that they bring into adulthood. Their fear can also lead to doing everything they can to please others rather than being themselves. The injuries of bullying include learning the only way to have power is to be a bully. Bullies often have been bullied themselves.[XCVIII] They may be loners and social outcasts. They use power over others to lessen the powerlessness they feel inside. Severe instances of this are antisocial personalities that retaliate by engaging in school shootings or other forms of violence. All bullying reduces students’ enjoyment and participation in activities. It harms their ability to learn and achieve their potential. The absence of an effective response also affects the entire student body. The students who go along with a bully often do so because they fear they will be targets next and don’t know what else to do. Those who don’t take part still feel distressed and unsafe. Students need guidance to address bullying and mobbing. School counselors and therapists can assist them in rebuilding their selfesteem and learning assertive strategies for dealing with bullies. Their support helps students believe they do not deserve abusive behavior. Reflection on School Bullying • • •

If you have experienced school bullying, think about how that affected you. Do you notice any continued impacts today? Think about whether the effects of bullying influenced your ability to deal with an abusive partner. Have you ever told anyone about the bullying? If not and it continues to hamper you, consider talking to a therapist.

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RESOURCES Web Sites Stopbullying.gov https://www.stopbullying.gov/ https://www.verywellfamily.com/types-of-bullying-parentsshould-know-about-4153882?print 4 Types of Bullying Parents Should Know About https://www.parents.com/kids/problems/bullying/commontypes-of-bullying/ Stomp Out Bullying: https://www.stompoutbullying.org/ National Centre Against Bullying: https://www.ncab.org.au/ Bullying: No Way!: https://bullyingnoway.gov.au/ The Connection Practice: https://connectionpractice.org/ The Connection Practice is an excellent resource for schools and families. It provides tools for negotiating conflicts respectfully. Books Completely Connected: Uniting Our Empathy and Insight for Extraordinary Results. Rita Marie Johnson (Irvings, Texas: Rasur Media, 2015) Tomorrow’s Children: A Blueprint for Partnership Education in the 21st Century. Riane Eisler (Cambridge, MA: Westview Press, 2000)

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CHAPTER 20 WORKPLACES “Bullying is DV (domestic violence) in which the abuser is on the payroll.” —Gary Namie and Ruth Namie, The Bully at Work[XCIX]

Respectful Work Environments Rewarding work contributes to a sense of well-being. People show greater job satisfaction when the following policies are present:

• • • • •

• • •

Free flowing communication from employers to employees, workers to management, and between coworkers Feedback for positive performance as well as problems Willingness to face conflicts Active encouragement of diverse points of view Clear responsibilities, expectations, and lines of authority Opinions and interests valued Skills nurtured, and educational opportunities provided Zero tolerance for abuse

Those who work in organizations with the above characteristics encounter fewer controllers. Good communication and willingness to face conflict encourages the opposite of control. Environments that recognize skills and where people are actively engaged encourage openness. They do not tolerate controlling tactics. Organizations that adopt these policies are more successful, since employees have increased productivity and effectiveness.[C] Human Resource personnel encourage openness in reporting any questionable behavior.

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Misuse of Power Organizational Culture Misuse of power often stems from the way organizations are run. Competition becomes unhealthy with systems organized around dominance assumptions. That results in emphasizing short-term success at the expense of long-term interests. It also dampens independence, skill development, and cooperation. People protect their positions by proving they are better than their colleagues, which can encourage cut throat behavior. Hammond and Mayfield’s work on organizational effectiveness[CI] indicates that organizations with more rigid structures inhibit the capacity to adjust and change. All these qualities can enable workplace abuse instead of discouraging it. Dominance-oriented management styles do not always lead to abusive environments, but they offer a more conducive culture for those individuals who misuse power. Beliefs that can more easily be exploited are: • • •

People need to be motivated and controlled Punishment is more effective than reward Competition brings out the best in people

When these are central, the organization’s culture often conflicts with implementing the effective organizational practices just cited, especially having zero tolerance for abuse. Coercive controllers exploit whatever they can with self-centered, entitled attitudes. We will examine workplace abuse with bosses and management first. Authority Figures Often workers can easily identify those in authority who misuse their power but cannot readily stop them because of their status and victims’ vulnerability to revenge. Many other instances are harder to identify and address. Tim’s predicament gives an example. They hired Tim as Marketing Director to improve brand recognition and marketability. However, when he brought proposals, his supervisor rejected them, giving no reason. Tim tried to support his ideas with evidence, but the supervisor accused him of being disloyal and insubordinate. Tim decided that this person felt threatened by his expertise, so he found ways of making it seem 174

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like his ideas were the supervisor’s. Tim did not like how work stressed him and concluded change was not likely, so he left the position after a year. Hammond and Mayfield point out that arrogance and aggressive leadership tactics inhibit effective organizational practices but are often unnamed. They say aggressive leaders frequently focus on overly complex ideas, creating abstract plans that become a substitute for action.[CII] The #MeToo movement highlighted the prevalence of sexual exploitation in the workplace. It raised consciousness that women and other vulnerable individuals find barriers placed in their jobs or career advancement if they don’t submit sexually to those with power over them. What often was accepted by victims as the price of admission is now illuminated for what it is: abuse of power. Janine was happy about her new job until the boss began touching her sexually. She hesitated to complain to HR because the boss threatened to fire her if she did. As a single parent, she couldn’t afford to leave until she found another position. Janine began having frequent headaches and stomach problems because of the stress she felt over unwanted sexual suggestions and behavior. Prejudices about race, religion, or sexual orientation motivate some bullying. Although these types of abuse are illegal, the imbalance of power can make it difficult to prove. Lies may be told to coverup abusive acts and make it seem the employee is the problem. Coworker Abuse The second type of workplace abuse happens with peers. Coworkers target others because they feel threatened or just to exert power. Jane’s experience shows an example of harassment: Sue and Jane’s duties are parallel and related, and they both report to Sydney. Jane prides herself on being an efficient worker and receives frequent praise from their supervisor. Sue began calling her the “boss’s pet” and putting her down with other employees. Jane confronted Sue on this and finally took it to Sydney, who said they needed to learn to get along. After that, Jane found that sometimes her work wouldn’t be in the printer, and once she was late with a work assignment because she had to redo it. It delighted Sue that she got in 175

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trouble, and Jane suspected that she had something to do with her work disappearing. When setting limits is unsuccessful and supervisors do not help, it affects people’s willingness to stand up to bullies. Sometimes these behaviors are hard to document, which makes it more difficult to address. Jane’s work stress mounted for two reasons, the harassment and the suggestion that Jane shares responsibility for their interactions. Davenport et al.[CIII] identifies a type of peer abuse called mobbing, which he defines as “a malicious attempt to force a person out of the workplace through unjustified accusations, humiliation, general harassment, emotional abuse, and/or terror.” One might wrongly assume that these behaviors always are vertical, meaning that they come from people in authority positions. However, mobbing often occurs between co-workers in parallel positions. Typically, harassing behavior starts with one person, and others join in. They may be recruited openly to take part, or they may join in after witnessing the leader’s behavior. The literature on group behavior documents this willingness to go along, whence comes the term “mob”. Reasons include trying to please the leader, fear they will be victimized themselves, or their own prejudices. People sometimes are targeted because of their competence or the new ideas they bring. Victims often think there must be a misunderstanding or something they are doing wrong. Bullies often use their openness to self-examination against them. Mobbing also occurs from subordinates toward superiors. While we generally assume that a boss or supervisor has more power to protect themselves, an organizational culture which permits or even promotes such behavior can make life miserable for those in positions of leadership.

Motivation and Behavioral Manifestations The motivations for workplace abuse cited by Davenport[CIV] bear a strong resemblance to the dominance assumptions and intimate partner beliefs we’ve studied. They are:

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• • • • • • •

Those with insecurities focus on whatever safeguards their selfimage. Efficiency becomes an end rather than a method, resulting in damage to communication and participation. They seek to prove they are “better than” others and have trouble tolerating others’ successes. Flexibility and change seen as threatening to the status quo. Power feeds inflated egos and they misuse it for their own benefit. They create suffering and chaos as a distraction from their insecurities. Prejudice used as an excuse, providing distraction from other problems or frustrations.

Workplace abuse examples: • •

• • • • • • • • • • • • •

• •

Punishing or firing for missed work, even when illness is the reason Making an agreement about a joint project but going ahead and doing it their way, then accusing the other of not being a team player Ignoring someone when they speak, acting as if they didn’t hear Adding duties that aren’t on a person’s job description and refusing to give training Expecting extra work without allowing overtime or without pay Taking credit for another’s work Poking fun of a physical attribute Sexually harassing or forcing sexual behavior Calling names Starting rumors that are untrue Snubbing, shunning, or excluding Sabotaging or interfering with task completion Destroying someone’s work Refusing to consider input but later giving a poor performance review because they don’t show initiative Claiming someone smells, isn’t dressing properly, chats too much with coworkers, or other behaviors they don’t back up with evidence Pressuring someone to quit or transfer to another department Religious literature left that opposes a person’s sexual orientation or religion 177

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Perpetrators often go unnoticed and unpunished because it may be subtle and hard to document. When people leave their positions, the harassment often turns to someone else if the underlying motivations remain unaddressed.

Injuries Victims may be so distracted and anxious that they appear problematic or at fault. When mobbing persists over a long time, it affects people’s confidence in their competence and perceptions. The accumulation of mobbing behaviors or other types of abuse often results in feeling desperate. Victims frequently seek treatment for depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder, and have increased doctor visits for physical problems. Many low-wage workers face tough choices with abusive bosses because it affects their economic livelihoods when they set limits. However, those in higher paying or professional careers also face the dilemma of being penalized for reporting abuse. Frequent consequences for both are losing jobs, absenteeism, and quitting. Many misperceive these consequences as the victim’s choice or the result of being irresponsible or too sensitive. Employees often resort to indirect ways of minimizing contact with abusive people. Unfortunately, this can undermine being believed if they take action later. They sometimes blame themselves for not saying no more forcefully. For instance, women often use many protective efforts to avoid unwanted sexual attention. Even those with status and high assertiveness feel threatened. The amount of power a controller has over the bullied person affects what they perceive they can do. Those who don’t have good options to avoid it feel trapped, such as when someone’s livelihood is threatened. Davenport describes three levels or “degrees” of injury[CV] which range from: • • •

Being emotionally injured but remaining functional, to Experiencing emotional and physical symptoms that affect how well they function at home or work, to Difficulty functioning at all.

The severity of effect depends on the frequency and harshness of abuse, the emotional resources available such as supportive coworkers and family or friends, and whether there is accountability. Human 178

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resource departments are not available in many small companies, and in others, they have written polices but do not follow them. In workplace cultures that tolerate abuse, the word of those in power is usually given more weight. Women and minorities especially face barriers in being believed. Differently abled individuals also have more vulnerability to abuse. Employee problems do not justify abusive practices, as this example demonstrates: Selma knew that her obsessive-compulsive disorder led her to check and recheck her work, slowing her performance. Tess, one of her coworkers, made fun of her within her hearing and made disapproving sounds whenever Selma came near. When Selma confronted Tess, she walked away and told their supervisor Selma was harassing her. The stress of dealing with daily incidents affected Selma’s ability to do her job. When she reported these problems to her supervisor, she focused on Selma’s reduced work performance and did not look into Tess’s behavior. Behaviors like Selma’s may be used as an excuse for mobbing behavior. There are always better ways of handling such issues. Controlling people often affect the morale of everyone. The harassment of one employee leads to everyone “walking on eggshells.” They change their behavior out of an effort to avoid being targeted themselves. They may have more emotional distance from the abuse and the power imbalance may be less threatening, but it still is demoralizing. Injuries occur to the organization as well. Documented consequences:[CVI] • • • • • • •

Breakdowns in communication and teamwork High turnover Increased use of sick time and medical leave Burnout Lower productivity Higher unemployment and worker compensation claims Risk of litigation.

The company reputation often suffers, and it takes large expenditures in consultants’ fees to rectify the situation. Anyone suffering workplace harassment or abuse should start by checking with the company’s policy manual regarding how to handle it. They should document each occurrence and then take that to their 179

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Human Resources Department. Unfortunately, those in smaller companies rarely have one, so options to address may be limited to hiring an attorney or leaving.

Reflection on Workplace Abuse •

•

If you’ve experienced this, reflect on whether your experiences at work and with intimate abuse intersected with one another, either helping you to recognize it or making it more difficult or both. Are there differences in the kind of support each are given and if so, why do you think that is?

RESOURCES Books Beating the Workplace Bully: A Tactical Guide to Taking Charge, Lynne Curry (New York: American Management Association, 2016) Mobbing: Emotional Abuse in the American Workplace, Noa Davenport, Ph.D., Ruth Distler Schwartz, & Gail Pursell Elliott (Ames, Iowa: Civil Society Publishing, 1999) The Bully at Work: What You Can Do to Stop the Hurt and Reclaim Your Dignity on the Job, Gary Namie & Ruth F. Namie (Napierville, IL: Sourcebooks, 2000, 2003, 2009) For those targeted. The Bully-Free Workplace: Stop Jerks, Weasels & Snakes from Killing Your Organization, Gary Namie & Ruth F. Namie (Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 2011) For employers. Workplace Bullying: Symptoms and Solutions, Noreen Tehrani (New York: Routledge, 2012) Work Abuse: How to Recognize and Survive It, Judith Wyatt & Chauncey Hare (Rochester, VT: Schenkman Books, Inc. 1997) Websites Workplace Bullying Institute https://www.workplacebullying.org/ U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission: https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/harassment.cfm 180

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Better Work Places, Better World (for employers but good information): https://www.shrm.org/resourcesandtools/hr-topics/employeerelations/pages/workplace-harassment-resources.aspx American Psychiatric Association Foundation, Center for Workplace Mental Health: http://workplacementalhealth.org/Mental-Health-Topics/Bullying https://medium.com/@dbosmarketing/8-key-characteristics-of-ahigh-performing-team-6c9f99649dc2

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CHAPTER 21 PROFESSIONALS “We view the authoritarian ideologies and practices so deeply rooted in the ways things are thought about and done as what keep the world stuck in old ways of doing things that no long work.” —Joel Kramer and Diana Alstad, The Guru Papers: Masks of Authoritarian Power[CVII]

Respectful Relationships Professionals offer business arrangements geared to meet our needs. We invest trust in them because we need guidance with their specialties. When we believe they are working for our best interests, our trust increases and we have a healthy dependency upon them. They give guidance respectfully, and we always can choose to reject or adjust what they offer. Our primary responsibility to them is to fulfill any contracted obligations, such as paying them. Professionals must be able to set clients’ needs and interests as a priority. Their livelihood motivates them to satisfy us. In addition, most professionals value ethical standards of conduct set by their professional organizations. Common components of ethics are honesty, integrity, transparency, accountability, confidentiality, objectivity, respectfulness, and obedience to the law. Most professions have governing associations to prevent exploitation and increase accountability, and many have state licensing boards. Every professional is responsible for ethical codes of conduct.[CVIII] Even though we employ them and can evaluate how well they are doing, our dependence upon their expertise makes for a power differential. Since professionals are human, they will occasionally make mistakes. Trustworthy individuals take responsibility and do what they can to correct them. When their opinions differ from their clients, they deliver them respectfully, in the spirit of offering alternative ways of thinking. Clients’ opinions and rights receive priority. 182

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Misuse of Power In every profession, there are some who misuse their power and don’t adhere to ethical standards. When this happens, they violate our trust. Because professionals are experts in their fields, we put our trust in them, so they may fool us for a time. Those who abuse their power are often convincing in their justifications or lies. Below are red flags for unprofessional behavior, divided into two lists. Behaviors in the seductive list are used to disguise their actions and lure us into trusting them, making it easier to abuse their power. Boundary violators are expert at knowing how best to seduce people to accept their inappropriate behavior. Seductive: • • • • • • • • •

Discussing their personal issues Engaging in flirtatious behavior Painting themselves as the only one who truly understands your situation Speaking poorly about colleagues or other professionals Showing favoritism, giving gifts, or unusual demonstrations they care Boasting about their associations with other experts Using nicknames or terms like “honey” Making comments about your appearance Asking to meet in personal or nonprofessional settings

Abuse of Power: • • • • • • • • • • • •

Promising one thing and delivering another Lying or giving misleading information Changing the subject to avoid answering your question Refusing to take responsibility for their actions Twisting what we say to mean something else Making up superficial or false offenses Unreasonable use of force by police Blocking or discouraging making decisions, acting like you’re incapable of them Criticizing your ideas, desires, or perceptions Telling you what to do, as opposed to making recommendations they give evidence for Resisting questions, assuming you are challenging their authority Expecting you to fulfill them outside of the usual contractual obligations (e.g. emotionally or sexually) 183

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These behaviors con people into allowing abusers to take advantage financially, physically, sexually, or emotionally. Pay attention if something feels wrong. See if any red flags are present. Talk to someone you feel confident in to get their perspective. Your rights include ending any professional relationship that violates boundaries or doesn’t fulfill their obligations. Examples of misuse of power by several types of professionals follow below.

Pay attention if something doesn’t feel right. See if any red flags are present. Talk to someone you have confidence in to get their perspective.

Medical Professionals Doctors take the Hippocratic Oath to do no harm, and medical personnel pledge ethical behavior. When health care practitioners betray the trust placed in them, patients lose confidence not only in them, but possibly in all clinical settings. Ted sought help for back problems from his primary care doctor. The doctor gave him narcotics and told him to follow up every month. After reading information about the helpfulness of physical therapy and the long-term side effects of pain medications, Ted brought it up in a follow-up visit. The doctor made light of his research, accusing him of thinking he knew better than a doctor. He predicted Ted would become an invalid, which frightened Ted since that was one of his worst fears. Ted requested a referral to a specialist that his doctor refused, so he changed to another provider. Ted’s doctor treated his research and questions as if they were insults to his own ability. He treated Ted’s questions disrespectfully. If he had concerns about the information, he could have communicated in an assertive manner. The doctor also used private information to manipulate Ted into accepting his authority and didn’t respect his right to seek another opinion. Ted rightfully sought other help instead of continuing. We have the right to ask questions, think about their recommendations, and make our own decisions regarding our medical care. 184

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Mental Health Professionals Clients have a right to assume that therapists will help with their issues. Samantha’s story illustrates one example of malpractice that cultivated dependency instead of growth. Samantha sought help because of child abuse and neglect. She experienced paralyzing fear in social situations and wanted help to widen her support network and return to school. Her therapist responded by seeing her every day, many times outside the office and even on holidays. After several years, he confided that she was his best female friend, which felt good to Samantha. However, she felt stuck because she made no progress toward her goals; she felt even more incompetent. When her therapist retired, she experienced grief. Samantha saw another therapist for help with her hurt and abandonment. Samantha’s first therapist blurred the boundaries of therapy and used it to serve his emotional needs. Therapists should not encourage clients’ dependence upon them. An excellent motto is, “I am working myself out of a job.” This means working with clients for as long as it takes to make progress, re-evaluating with them if growth isn’t happening. Some people need longer therapy than others. However, substituting therapy relationships for friendships or meeting therapists’ financial or emotional needs violates the therapy contract. Sexual relationships between therapist and client are a shocking misuse of their power. Even when the client consents, therapists are responsible for not taking advantage of the imbalance of power between them. Legal, Police, and Family Court Professionals Attorneys exercise a great deal of influence in our society because legal contracts govern so much of our lives. Judges, family court personnel, and commissioners also make decisions that have enormous effects on families. Misuse of their influence results in miscarried justice, as well as damaging clients’ confidence. Tanya engaged an attorney to divorce her husband, who was alcoholic and abusive. Her attorney asked for a substantial retainer and promised action immediately. Tanya did everything he asked but felt frustrated that nothing happened for six months. When she questioned her attorney, he made excuses and claimed she had slowed the process. When she asked for her money back, 185

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he indicated that all the “preparations” had used the retainer and that he could take her to court for a breach of contract if she left. Tanya’s attorney didn’t take responsibility for the lack of progress and gave her inaccurate information that she couldn’t leave. Clients rarely understand legal jargon and don’t know their rights; dishonest attorneys sometimes make clients believe they have no alternative. Legal processes are often slow and frustrating, but lawyers have an obligation to communicate with their clients about delays instead of shrugging off responsibility. We all have the right to receive accurate legal advice, ask questions, and be updated on proceedings. Misuse of authority can likewise occur with police, district attorneys, judges, and court commissioners. It can take the form of unreasonable force or arbitrary arrests and decisions about charging and plea bargaining. When implicit bias operates in these decisions, it results in racial and other minority groups being treated differently than the majority culture. Financial Advisers, Accountants, and Insurance Agents These professionals wield a lot of influence over our finances. Misuse of clients’ funds to benefit themselves is criminal, such as with embezzlement. However, they still can violate our trust in ways that aren’t strictly illegal but damaging. Benita responded to an advertisement by an adviser who claimed higher earning on investments. She shifted her money out of her existing accounts into new ones. She talked to her son afterward because she felt surprise that her balance was so much less. Benita’s son investigated and found that when she moved her money, she paid a penalty and that the new investments had higher fees than her old ones. Benita felt betrayed by the new adviser, but trapped because she didn’t want to lose more money by moving it again. Professionals sometimes rely on clients’ ignorance of the field to advance themselves with higher fees and investments that aren’t to their advantage. One financial adviser I consulted lamented that their profession has changed how funds are managed in recent years to a system that enables larger profits at the expense of clients. We have the right to correct information about our investments, taxes, and insurance needs and to manage them as we see fit. It is important to ask questions and educate ourselves rather than rely on experts looking out for us. Edward provides an example of this: 186

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Edward lived on his pension and social security. His insurance agent recommended that he purchase additional insurance every few months. After a few years, he was paying more than he brought in each month and had to draw on his savings. When Edward disclosed this to his daughter, she looked over all the policies and discovered three expensive life insurance plans Edward didn’t need and three long-term care policies that were more than needed. She complained to the insurance agent and the insurance commissioner and had her father drop most of the policies. Edward’s trusting nature and traditional reliance on authority resulted in his agent enriching himself at his expense.

Mistakes in Judgement There is a difference between misuse of power, which is an intentional action that violates rights, and mistakes in judgment. We do not make mistakes intentionally. They should be avoided, but unfortunately, all humans occasionally make them. The following example shows a therapist’s mistake as an illustration, but there are countless examples in all professions. Sean sought therapy because childhood abuse affected his capacity to trust and be close to people. He liked his therapist very much because she was warm and empathic. After she shared about her own abusive history and how it disturbed her, Sean worried about how Regina would feel about things that happened to him. He began editing what he said, but that seemed counterproductive, so he stopped therapy. This was not abuse of power, though it was a therapeutic mistake. Learning when and what to share develops with professional education and experience. It’s important for therapists to remain alert for how any sharing affects their clients. This therapist possibly shared out of a wish to assure Sean that she understood his issues. Every therapist has to balance connection with their judgment. The biggest mistake was not picking up on how her disclosure affected her client. The distinction between those who abuse their power and a mistake lies in their response to clients. If Regina learns how this affects Sean, she could empower him by empathizing and acknowledging her error. This would either deepen the therapeutic relationship or encourage Sean in seeking another therapist. 187

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Regina would have committed a misuse of her power if she had continued to bring up her experiences, looked to Sean for comfort, or pursued an inappropriate relationship with him outside of therapy. The typical response from one who abuses their power would be denial, justification, condemnation, or a combination of these.

Injuries “Once people do not trust themselves, they are subject to easy manipulation.” —Joel Kramer and Diane Alstad, The Guru Papers: Masks of Authoritarian Power[CIX] Since we rarely have personal relationships with professionals, one might assume their violations cause less injury. Intimate relationships have a greater capacity to damage us emotionally than strangers. However, we often go to experts when we are most vulnerable. Their ability to injure depends upon how susceptible and defenseless we are. The following are examples of issues that make us more vulnerable and less likely to perceive we can protect ourselves. • • • • • •

Lack of knowledge regarding the process or our rights Few financial and other supportive resources Blind trust in authority (or women’s trust of male authority) Threats to our financial livelihood Fear of loss of child custody or visitation Discrimination because of sex, sexual identity, race, or class

When we experience power abuse, we may feel confused, embarrassed, and intimidated. The greater our vulnerability, the more fear we have that no one will take us seriously if we challenge them. The injuries covered in Chapter 12 (emotional, physical, mental, behavioral, and spiritual) make it more difficult for us when we encounter abuse elsewhere. Any added powerlessness deepens any sense of self-doubt and unworthiness we already have. We also may lose confidence in helping organizations. Silence by professionals about abuse increases the negative impact on victims. Dr. Steven Miles[CX] speaks of two types of silence: failing to act when abuse is seen and failing to identify it. Those who choose to stay silent often feel intimidated by the abuser and fear retaliation. The authors of “License to Betray”[CXI] indicate that medical personnel often stay silent about abuses they know or suspect with doctors. This often occurs with other professions, too. Those who silence themselves because of pressure from people or institutions are in effect protecting the perpetrators. 188

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Dr. Hardy was a psychologist working for a Chicago branch of a major investment company. In his Human Resource role, he learned that a Vice President of the company was verbally and sexually abusive to his female employees. He reported this to his supervisor, who discouraged him from pursuing it further because of how much power this person had in the company. Dr. Hardy left his job because of the institutional culture’s lack of support for ethical conduct. Dr. Hardy’s example illustrates the dilemmas faced by many responsible professionals. Financial and career pressures sometimes lead otherwise wellmeaning people to ignore their values and turn a blind eye to what is happening. Those being abused by a controlling authority figure experience others’ silence as agreement. Those who do not identify abuse or perceive what has happened as wrong add to victimization. There are many reasons this happens, including: • • • •

Lack of information or misinformation regarding circumstances Absence of education about abuse dynamics Impaired perceptions because of their own abuse experience Beliefs or implicit biases that permit some to have power over behaviors

When people do not recognize coercive signs, we often doubt ourselves and wonder if we are wrong. Alternatively, we feel disregarded and angry with their silence. As with other forms of abuse, having support affects how people cope with it. Colleagues, friends, family, or specialists can help us understand what’s happened and how to respond. Reflection on Professional Misuse of Power • • •

If you experienced any form of professional power abuse, how did it affect you? Think about how that experience intersected with your experience of intimate partner abuse, increasing your vulnerability to it or adding to your stress and sense of powerlessness. You have the right to lodge complaints with professional associations and licensing boards for violations of ethics.

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RESOURCES Besides the following resources, all professional associations, insurance companies, and state governing bodies have procedures for lodging complaints. I suggest contacting the proper entities if you have a grievance. For victims of any type of professional abuse: http://www.advocateweb.org/ RAINN – Rape, Abuse, and Incest, National Network – Sexual Exploitation by Helping Professionals: https://rainn.org/get-information/typesof-sexual-assault/sexual-exploitation-by-helping-professional Mental Health Professionals: Noel, Barbara with Kathryn Watterson. You Must Be Dreaming. New York: Poseidon Press, 1992. TELL – Therapy Exploitation Link Line – http://www.therapyabuse.org/index.htm Medical Professionals: Miles, Steven H., M.D. Oath Betrayed: Torture, Medical Complicity, and the War on Terror. New York: Random House, 2006. A Nurse’s Guide to Professional Boundaries: Copyright ©2018 National Council of State Boards of Nursing, Inc. (NCSBN®) National Council of State Boards of Nursing, Inc. (NCSBN®). 12111 E. Wacker Drive, Suite 2900Chicago, IL 60601-4277 https://www.ncsbn.org/ProfessionalBoundaries_Complete.pdf Legal and Policing Professions: Angela J. Davis, Arbitrary Justice: The Power of the American Prosecutor. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2007. The National Center for Victims of Crime can be a resource when there’s been a crime: http://victimsofcrime.org/home Abuse of Power.com – Diane Wetendorf, Inc., policing abuse of power http://www.abuseofpower.info/index.htm 190

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CHAPTER 22 SPIRITUAL LIFE “A religion is a particular set of beliefs involved with a group experience, while spirituality is an individual, personal experience of God.” —Margaret Paul, Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God?[CXII] “Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion.” —Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness[CXIII]

Respectful Relationships These definitions of spirituality speak to our searching for connection and deeper meaning. Everyone faces questions at some point in their lives, regardless of whether they are religious. • • • • • •

Why am I here? What will happen when I die? Why do bad things happen? How can I live a good life? How do I recover from hurt and loss? Is there a God?

When confronted with such subjects, many seek organized religion and sacred texts as beacons for making meaning in their lives and experiencing God. Others find comfort in less traditional forms of spiritual inspiration, such as 12-Step groups. Sometimes the answers sought come from secular advisers, such as therapists.12 All these are legitimate forms of guidance and support. 12

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We entrust spiritual leaders with authority and power. We are vulnerable anytime we ask for help, but this type touches us at our core. Even more than other professionals, we expect spiritual leaders to be models of the truths they teach. We place our faith in them, trusting that they have our best interests at heart. This allows us to be receptive to their insights. Humility, honesty, empathy, and courage are qualities that make for a We are vulnerable trustworthy guide. Though we should anytime we ask for not expect them to be perfect, experienced spiritual advisers have help, but this type done their own growth and forgiveness touches us at work, grappling with their own our core. demons. They listen to and accept people. This doesn’t mean they condone all behavior, but that they view the worth of the individual as separate from their behavior. The most valued advisers use their knowledge, insights, and personal trials to provide comfort and support. The authors of Toxic Faith say, “When authority is well placed, it respects the individuals it has authority over.” Frank and Beth’s story illustrates these qualities. Frank and Beth felt devastated when their three-year-old son was diagnosed with cancer. They expressed anger at God for allowing their son to be ill when they met with Rev. Bledsoe. He empathized with their grief and provided them with prayers for their son’s healing. He spoke about his own dark night of the soul earlier in his life when he questioned whether God was real. This comforted Frank and Beth, knowing there wasn’t anything wrong with their feelings or questions, that it was normal for what they were going through. They profited from Rev. Bledsoe’s insights and discovered that their spiritual faith became even stronger as they dealt with their son’s illness. Considerate leaders communicate respectfully while encouraging spiritual growth. Even if they oppose people’s choices, they do so in nonjudgmental ways that promote dignity rather than shame. People also look for guidance because they seek growth and meaning for their lives. Their quest may be because of aging and facing their mortality, or they may want a community that better fits with their beliefs. Kay provides one such example.

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Kay distanced herself from her church’s practices after leaving home. As she entered her thirties, she felt rootless and wanted spiritual teachings for her children. Kay went to several churches and found one that felt like her spiritual home. She appreciated how the minister’s messages showed acceptance and compassion toward everyone. Kay especially liked how she talked about political differences respectfully. The church members reflected a spirit of welcoming and care toward everyone. Religious guidance instructs people how to be in touch with the divine and how to live the principles of religious teachings. The result is greater trust of themselves to handle life’s difficulties.

Misuse of Power “So any time you are feeling confusion is a time to remain alert. When the group or the teacher insists that the confusion is proof that you must embrace their view—that they hold the way to certainty —then seeker beware!” —Julie Tallard Johnson, author of The Zero Point Agreement “Toxic faith is a destructive and dangerous relationship with a religion that allows the religion {or religious leader}13, not the relationship with God, to control a person’s life.” —Stephen Arterburn & Jack Felton, Toxic Faith[CXIV] Religious and Spiritual Leaders Many religious practices adopted rules and conventions from the dominator culture they developed within, as Eisler[CXV] indicates about the Judeo-Christian religions and Roman culture. For example, religious researchers note that the early Christian church interpreted scriptures through Greek and Roman customs that sometimes deviated from Jesus’ teachings. The dominator worldview influenced religions to varying degrees. Those who forbid women having leadership roles are at one end of the continuum. An example of the opposite end are churches with female leaders, and those that honor

My addition. 193

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all religious and denominational paths. Which type we belong to is a matter of upbringing and preference. The more traditional organizations may have characteristics that are more easily abused, but abuse of power happens with all types of religious and spiritual traditions. When ministers, priests, rabbis, or other types of leaders misuse their authority or twist spiritual principles to benefit themselves, they betray the trust invested in them. Arterburn & Felton indicate that spiritual leaders should be detached from material gain, self-importance, and the urge to dominate.[CXVI] Henri Nouwen said in looking at abuse of power in the ministry, “What makes the temptation of power so seemingly irresistible? Maybe it is that power offers an easy substitute for the hard task of love. It seems easier to be God than to love God, easier to control people than to love people.[CXVII]” Spiritual leaders are no less susceptible than the rest of humanity to abusing their power. All religious organizations speak to abuses of power, as the following four instances show. Christian “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them.” —Matthew 7:15-16 “Power is not the opposite of servanthood. Rather, servanthood, ensuring the flourishing of others, is the very purpose of power.” Christianity Today, “It’s Time to Talk About Power: How to Recognize and Use the Gift that Most Eludes the Church,” —Andy Crouch, October 2013 Islam “In a spiritually abusive relationship, the abuser uses so-called religious principles to exert power and control over their victim.” — Janet Kozak[CXVIII] 194

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Islamic Society of North America: “Under no circumstances is violence against women encouraged or allowed in Islam. There are many examples in Quran and Ahadith that describes the behavior of Muslims towards husband and wife. The relationship should be one of mutual love, respect and kindness.”[CXIX] Judaism “Among the study’s key findings were that survivors say ‘Jewish values’ were invoked as a way to keep them silent” — Hannah Dreyfus[CXX] “For many years, victims of abuse and harassment were persuaded to remain silent in order to save the reputation of the perpetrator or, worse, the reputation of the institution in which the abuse or harassment took place. . . . As Leviticus 19:16 teaches us, ‘Do not stand idly by the blood of your neighbor.’ We have an obligation to the other members of our community.” —Rabbi Avi Friedman[CXXI] Zen Buddhism “The true Guru will never humiliate you, nor will he estrange you from yourself. . . But the self-appointed Guru is more concerned with himself than with his disciples.”[CXXII] “You have to take a set of 18 altruistic vows, or at least make a commitment to altruism. If you don’t respect the consequences of your actions in terms of how much damage it can do to someone else, then it very much contradicts not only those 18 vows but also the fundamental precepts in the early Buddhist traditions not to harm anyone.”[CXXIII] Followers Regardless of the intentions of the religion, their followers can misuse the beliefs to serve themselves. Controllers often demand strict 195

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faithfulness to rules, losing sight of compassion. They often insist their views are the only righteous ones and judge others who don’t agree with them. Controllers misinterpret scriptures or apply a double standard between themselves and victims. They then justify their actions by citing religious doctrine. When partners distort what we are doing to religious leaders, we feel Well-meaning betrayed by our spiritual source of leaders may support. Well-meaning leaders may unconsciously unconsciously reinforce abusers when they don’t identify the power reinforce abusers dynamics involved in intimate partner when they don’t abuse. One common example lies in identify the power telling female victims to respect or dynamics involved in obey their husbands. Of course, if they intimate partner believe in domination tactics, they abuse. may agree with what partners are doing. Cults Many religions began as cults and then developed into an organized religion, an example being Mormonism. However, the cults referred to here are those that have authoritarian leaders who use mind control or thought reform. These cults are institutionalized ways of using coercive control. The authors of Captive Hearts, Captive Minds: Freedom and Recovery from Cults and Abusive Relationships[CXXIV] indicate that thought reform is more subtle and sophisticated than torture. Its victims rarely recognize they are being controlled. They cite eight characteristics of cults, crediting Robert J. Lifton’s work on brainwashing. [CXXV] • • • • • • 196

Control all information and communication, including with self Claim divine authority or to be divine themselves Demand purity, enlisting members to spy on one another Insist on members’ surrender to the group; nothing is secret Hold doctrine as ultimate truth and punish individual thought Use jargon to shape thinking

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• •

Elevate doctrine over person and group over individual; past altered to fit doctrine Consider nonbelievers evil or inhuman, us vs. them mentality

Twenty-eight years after he published his book on thought reform, Lifton[CXXVI] wrote that he thinks his book applies to many religious and political conservative movements. The themes he identified were charismatic leaders who become objects of worship, processes of indoctrination that use coercion and brainwashing, and exploitation financially, sexually, or otherwise by the leader or rulers.[CXXVII] The difference between cults and individuals who abuse spiritually lies in the power that the group exerts to cement the control. This represents mega peer pressure. Examples of misuse of power among leaders, followers, or cults: • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Bullying church members to do things their way. Defending offensive behavior by saying they are doing the will of God Claiming their desires as divinely inspired Shunning church members who disagree with them Raging, walking away and refusing to talk Sexually abusing children Seducing members into sexual relationships Confiding personal information and indicating they feel someone is special, then expecting favors and insisting on secrecy Using their religious authority to justify punishing Denying events happened, causing people to doubt themselves Misusing financial or other resources of their institutions Insisting that congregants only read or listen to those approved by them Exercising authoritarian control over all organizational affairs Denying the legitimacy of alternative points of view Labeling those who disagree with them as unfaithful or evil Changing the topic when confronted or held accountable Forcing those they don’t like to leave Firing employees who confront their abuse Encouraging members to break the law 197

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Injuries “A direct, personal experience of God is our birthright. Therefore, anything that disconnects you from experiencing the light of God, from knowing that you are a part of that light and have that light within you can be termed spiritual abuse.” —Margaret Paul, Do I have to Give up ME to be Loved by GOD?[CXXVIII] “It was like finding your way out of a mine without a light. . .. I lost my ability to trust my own judgment . . . it destroyed that which I used to heal me, my connection to source.” Survivor of spiritual abuse Spiritual abuse survivors suffer many of the injuries cited for intimate partner abuse. In addition, their relationship to God and their spiritual source can be damaged. Those who spiritually abuse position themselves as authorities about God and then discourage personal reflection and questioning. This results in followers doubting their perceptions and becoming dependent upon them. Survivors feel confused and disillusioned when spiritual principles and behaviors do not match. Spouses who appear very religious in church but act abusively at home baffle their partners; this may encourage victims to think they are at fault. Dissatisfaction with leaders’ emotional, sexual, or financial behavior can lead to loss of faith in people and religion. Trust in authority figures also may be damaged. Cult survivors experience practices that may be subtle but have long-lasting effects. Cults in Our Midst authors say, “Brainwashing is not experienced as a fever or a pain might be; it is an invisible social adaptation. When you are the subject of it, you are not aware of the intent of the influence processes that are going on, and especially, you are not aware of the changes taking place within you.”[CXXIX]

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Blaming and belittling behaviors induce shame. Cult punishments may alter victims’ behavior because they fear consequences. They are not encouraged to grow or trust themselves. When people have been conned spiritually, they often indicate they lose trust The con was in themselves, not unlike people with well practiced controlling partners. They question what is wrong with them since they trusted people and designed to who proved to be destructive. The con was take advantage well practiced and designed to take of vulnerability. advantage of vulnerability. Survivors can learn from their experience without taking responsibility for what others did. Reflection on Spirituality and Spiritual Abuse • •

• •

If you’ve experienced any type of spiritual abuse, reflect on how it affected you. How is it similar and different from intimate partner abuse? If you belong to a religious community, has your spiritual leader demonstrated knowledge and sensitivity about intimate partner abuse? Think about whether that person would be open to information. When abusive partners are also members of our spiritual communities, this often complicates getting support. Are you protecting your partner by not confiding about abuse? If it doesn’t feel safe to confide to your spiritual leader, consider whether you want to find another community or another source of support.

RESOURCES Books Toxic Faith: Understanding and Overcoming Religious Addiction by Stephen Arterburn & Jack Felton. Nashville, TN: A Division of Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1991.

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Breaking the Chains: Understanding Religious Addiction and Religious Abuse by Father Leo Booth. Long Beach, CA: Emmaus Publications, 1989. Captive Hearts, Captive Minds: Freedom and Recovery from Cults and Abusive Relationships, Madeleine L. Tobias and Janja Lalich (Alameda, CA: Hunter house Publishing, 1994) When God Becomes a Drug: Breaking the Chains of Religious Addiction and Abuse by Father Leo Booth. Los Angeles, CA: Jeremy P. Tarcher, Inc., 1991. A Gospel of Shame: Children, Sexual Abuse, and the Catholic Church by Frank Bruni and Elinor Burkett. New York: Harper Collins, 1993, 2002. Broken Trust: Stories of Pain, Hope, and Healing from Clerical Abuse Survivors and Abusers by Patrick Fleming, Sue Lauber-Fleming, & Mark T. Matonsek. New York: The Crossroad Publishing Co., 2007. The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church David Johnson & Jeff Van Vanderen. Minneapolis, MN: Bethany House Publishers, 1991. A Rare and Precious Thing: The Possibilities and Pitfalls of Working with a Spiritual Teacher by John Kain. John. Crown Publishing Group, 2006. The Guru Papers: Masks of Authoritarian Power by Joel Kramer & Diana Alstad. Berkeley, CA: Frog, Ltd., 1993. Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships by Janja Lalich & Madeleine Tobias. Berkeley, CA: Bay Tree Publishing, 1994, 2006. Do I Have to Give Up ME to be Loved by GOD? by Margaret Paul. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 1999. Cults in Our Midst: The Hidden Menace in Our Everyday Lives by Margaret Thaler Singer with Janja Lalich, Jossey-Bass Publishers, San Francisco, 1995. 200

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Organizations Restorative Justice Council on Sexual Misconduct in Faith Communities, 2233 University Avenue West, St. Paul, MN 55114 612874-0535 www.rjcouncil.org Pathways to Hope. 205 W. Monroe Street, Chicago, IL 60606, 312-2231085 or 866-784-5900 www.pathwaystohope.com Faith Trust Institute: https://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/healthy-boundaries Spiritual Alliance to Stop Intimate Violence, Center for Partnership Studies https://centerforpartnership.org/programs/saiv/

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CHAPTER 23 POLITICAL AND ECONOMIC INSTITUTIONS “When you look at politics through the analytical lens of the partnership/domination continuum, you see a deeper struggle. You see the struggle between who hold the old view of power—the power to give orders, to control, to disempower others—and those who want to use their positions of power to empower the rest of us.” —Riane Eisler, The Power of Partnership: Seven Relations to Change Your Life[CXXX] “For those of us who want to see democracy survive and thrive—and we are legion—the heart is where everything begins: the grounded place in each of us where we can overcome fear, rediscover that we are members of one another, and embrace the conflicts that threaten democracy as openings to new life for us and for our nation.” —Parker J. Palmer, Healing the Heart of Democracy[CXXXI] “So, two cheers for Democracy: one because it admits variety and two because it permits criticism.” —E. M. Forster, Two cheers for Democracy[CXXXII]

Respectful Institutions Political talk can quickly raise our blood pressure. We’ve all seen debates turn nasty and disrespectful, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Healthy political conversations can take place with liberals or conservatives, the religious or non-religious, western or non-western societies. They occur when citizens inform themselves and engage in 202

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respectful discussions about issues or conflicts. Hopefully, this section along with the book as a whole clarifies what ails our societies and leads to disrespect and violence. My definition of a healthy political institution begins with a bias toward democracy. Democracy is “a system of government by the whole population or all the eligible members of a state, typically through elected representatives,” according to the Oxford American dictionary. I think healthy democracies embody the values and beliefs of the partnership worldview we explored in Chapter 16. Our governments and political institutions influence how we operate in other spheres, such as work and school. Their policies shape both our economic and emotional welfare. Democracies depend upon their elected leaders to make policies that express the majority’s will and that benefit the society at large. When they work well, constituents may or may not appreciate particular policies, but think government has its citizens’ best interests at heart overall. Healthy systems work on the belief that all societies, and individual relationships have to “give and take” to run successfully. As Molly Ivins said, “The thing about democracy, beloveds, is that it is not neat, orderly, or quiet. It requires a certain relish for confusion.”[CXXXIII] Parker Palmer[CXXXIV] in his book Healing the Heart of Democracy illustrates how democracies successfully navigate differences. Leaders as well as citizens listen empathically, holding their own convictions while also being open to other viewpoints. They question and explore issues and engage in dialogue with those of different opinions as well as those who agree with them. By doing so, citizens can engage in problem-solving and decision-making that considers all needs and viewpoints. They see diversity and differences as challenges for finding solutions that work for all. Vigorous political institutions consider the welfare of all their constituents instead of valuing some more than others. They encourage economic systems that work for everyone, providing opportunities for advancement according to their motivations and interests. In other words, they promote “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness” that the United States Declaration of Independence proclaimed as rights. Beneficial economic institutions support fair distributions of wealth, rewarding workers as well as management and stockholders. They encourage market competition rather than monopolies. They 203

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recognize the importance of community resources they use, such as roads and other infrastructure, and support them with their taxes. Riane Eisler says that citizens of countries with greater equality express more happiness and satisfaction.[CXXXV] Equality doesn’t mean everyone has the same amount of money or material goods, but reasonable disparities in economic resources exist, with everyone able to meet the necessities. This has a domino effect on society: less stress, less violence and trauma, and improved physical and emotional health.[CXXXVI] Eisler and Fry[CXXXVII] identify four traits of partnership societies. • • • •

Democratic structure along with actualization hierarchies14 that value caring and fair relations Equal valuing of genders with flexible gender roles; a high value for empathy, care-giving, and nonviolence in individuals as well as economic and social institutions Respect for diversity and human rights; low degree of fear, abuse, and violence Beliefs and stories support nonviolence and mutually favorable relationships as normal and moral.

Independent, objective media organizations are the eyes and ears of citizens. They are essential to educating the public regarding issues and how their government is performing. Their role as questioners may place them as adversaries with political leaders occasionally, but the political system respects the importance of the work they do.

Misuse of Power “Toxic leaders are excellent psychologists. They have sharp eyes not only for their own interests but also for others’ insecurities.” —Katherine Schreiber[CXXXVIII] “Power, after all, involves the ability to control the scope of the information others can access as well as what they pass on and thus promotes various forms of forced blindness, deafness, and muteness.” —Eviatar Zerubavel[CXXXIX]

Actualization hierarchies have people at different rungs who work together; group leaders empower others. They make organizations more effective and efficient. Dominator hierarchies use force, and people on lower rungs are means to an end.

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Political and economic leaders offer the best illustrations for John I agree with David Brin, Dalberg-Acton’s quote, “Power who said that “‘power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” corrupts,’ but actually However, I agree with David Brin, it’s more true that who said that “‘power corrupts,’ power attracts the but actually it’s more true that corruptible. The sane power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other are usually attracted by things than power. When they do other things than act, they think of it as service, power. When they do which has limits. The tyrant, act, they think of it as though, seeks mastery, for which he [CXL] service, which has is insatiable, implacable.” Believing that power is finite limits. The tyrant, and comes from power over others though, seeks mastery, lends itself to divisive politics for which he is rather than cooperating for the insatiable, implacable.” common good. Viewing differences as threatening increases polarization. These beliefs lead to treating some people as if they are less worthy. Such assumptions taint philosophical debates between conservatives and liberals that are so important to democracy. Leaders increasingly resort to name calling and shifting the blame rather than focusing on issues and solutions. They often hold to polarized views and have trouble compromising and working with leaders of the other party. The ends often justify the means in their minds, so they shade the truth if not outright lie. Though there have always been dishonest politicians and elites, Eisler says that the United States has seen a heavier reliance on domination over the last decades,[CXLI] and I suspect this is true elsewhere in the world. Deborah Tannen[CXLII] reported that a record number of U.S. senators decided not to seek reelection in 1996. She quoted Senator Heflin as saying: “The bipartisanship that is so crucial to the operation of Congress, especially the Senate, has been abandoned for quick fixes, sound bits, and, most harmfully, the frequent demonization of those with whom we disagree.” Media coverage has suffered from monopolization, which reduces the variety of media outlets and often regulates their coverage to fit within their political biases. This is a misuse of economic power on 205

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their part. News shows have also shifted toward analysts who evaluate the news without clearly labeling it as opinion and often without giving other points of view. These changes make it more challenging to get correct information from which to make informed choices. In addition, other economic conglomerates and wealthy individuals exert excessive power. Their wealth enables lobbying that biases political agendas toward their goals. This leads to corporations and wealthy individuals accumulating more at the expense of the majority. Social media has become a powerful way for leaders and citizens to express their views and work for social change. Unfortunately, along with this good comes the reality of lies and misrepresentations spreading as easily as truth. The volume of information and opinions also muddies the discussion waters and makes it difficult to decide whom to believe. Added to this are social media posts intended to harm or mislead, whether they stem from domestic or foreign sources. This represents a misuse of freedom of speech, another type of abuse of power. As these abuses of power have increased, citizens’ political and civic discourse has become increasingly disrespectful and harsh. Bill Bishops in his book, The Big Sort[CXLIII], offers these insights into how the United States is becoming more politically segregated. We increasingly live and/or associate in communities that duplicate our own points of view. Consequently, we lose the opportunity of gaining diverse views that can inform our opinions. Bishops also says that insulation from diverse views leads like-minded people to become self-righteous about theirs. Many of us even steer away from conversations with family and friends on issues we differ on, rather than having friendly debates. There used to be more tolerance for others understanding differently. What’s happened? Naomi Klein[CXLIV] says that values sold through reality TV, get-rich-quick books, video games, media stereotypes, and billionaire saviors have infiltrated society. I believe these values flow from the dominator worldview we’ve explored. They lead to the destruction of many things we hold dear: valuing family over money, relationships over being right, human worth and dignity over accumulation of wealth, respectful discourse over violent attacks. When economic and political leaders live by power over beliefs and use fear to gain what they want, this fuels polarization. As citizens react fearfully, they believe their way of life is threatened, thus dividing us even more. It becomes a vicious cycle. Our media and other economic institutions often support the divisiveness. What’s lost 206

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is the ability to dialogue and build on our common concerns to find solutions. Bishop offers: “we are living with the consequences of this segregation by way of life: pockets of like-minded citizens that have become so ideologically inbred that we don’t know, can’t understand, and can barely conceive of ‘those people’ who live just a few miles away.”[CXLV] We have much more in common than our differences suggest. Values of family, security, and love motivate us all. When respect and dialogue replace fear and rejection, we can find solutions that benefit everyone. Examples of political and economic abuse of power: • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Proclaiming as facts with no evidence Calling people liars rather than engaging in dialogue Name calling and belittling of others because they disagree with them Insulting people for their ethnicity or class Encouraging violent actions toward those who disagree Giving misleading statements that only tell partial truths Placing others lives at risk for political purposes Selling economic policies as good for the country without acknowledging the damage to ordinary citizens Creating artificial scarcities by cutting taxes on the wealthy and then limiting services for the majority Protecting wealth from taxes with loopholes Using their positions or status to protect themselves from accountability Misusing power to benefit financially or gain favors Supporting policies of unequal treatment for LGBTQ individuals and racial minorities Promoting profit-oriented business takeovers of public services, increasing costs to citizens Blaming job losses on scapegoats instead of addressing root problems Diverting attention from problems by changing the subject Using economic complexity to hide assets and evade taxes 207

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• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Declaring war under false pretenses or without using diplomatic efforts Reporting news without checking sources Portraying opinions as facts Inhibiting citizens from voting Investing in wealthy and poor communities’ education unequally Paying men and women or whites and minorities unequally Valuing male-dominated jobs more than female dominated Paying bonuses to CEO’s while laying off workers and reducing wages Shirking company pensions and health care coverage Evicting low wage renters and developing the land Charging more for groceries and other necessities in poor areas Restricting loans to individuals and businesses in minority communities Weakening labor unions and increasing monopolies Giving corporate tax breaks while belittling welfare for the poor Timing embarrassing or unpopular actions with events that overshadow them

Injuries Individuals often feel confused and disempowered. Polarized views make it difficult to discern what to accept. We humans prefer simple answers. The swirl of conflicting stories tempts us to accept a point of view without When political and questioning or seeking proof. economic institutions Citizens become fearful misuse their power, they when politicians manipulate injure democracy. The their insecurities and place lack of equality and blame onto others, such as ethnic human rights undermines minorities and conservatives or its foundations. liberals. Scapegoating diverts attention from the issues and their solutions, interfering with constructive dialogue. This can incite violence and hate crimes. When corporations and wealthy individuals’ interests precede those of ordinary citizens, they experience powerlessness. Many believe they’re left out of the economy and complain their governments don’t care about them. These effects stimulate anger and resistance that is displayed in destructive ways. Cynicism and indifference are more passive reactions, but just as crippling to democracy. If citizens believe there is nothing they can do, this undermines their belief that democracy can be effective. 208

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When political and economic institutions misuse their power, they injure democracy. The lack of equality and human rights undermines its foundations. Apathy and cynicism fuel low voter turnouts, which further undermines the power of citizens. I believe that Molly Ivens is right about democracy requiring “ a certain relish for confusion.” Improving our democracy requires an ability to accept differences of opinion, and to be open and vulnerable. Developing the civic responsibility to be knowledgeable counteracts the power of leaders who would misuse their power to benefit themselves and their allies. Palmer sums up what it requires of us: “If we aim to be ‘one nation, indivisible,’ the capacity to imagine ourselves as members of one another, despite all that separates us, is essential.” —Parker J. Palmer, Healing the Heart of Democracy[CXLVI] Below are books and helpful websites for empowering ourselves as citizens. The next two sections focus on examining possibilities for change in your life and how to move forward with it. Reflection on Political or Economic Abuse of Power • • •

Journal about abuses of power you see in political and economic institutions and how they’ve affected you. What do you notice about the ability of friends or family to talk about subjects they differ about? Are they able to talk with respect? Notice how difficult it is to listen when you disagree with someone. Remind yourself that listening doesn’t mean you have to agree or give up your opinion. It means having a deeper understanding so that you both are able to look for common ground.

RESOURCES Books •

Nurturing Our Humanity: How Domination and Partnership Shape Our Brains, Lives, and Future, Riane Eisler and Douglas P. Fry. (New York: Oxford University Press, 2019) 209

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• • • • • • • •

The Argument Culture: Stopping America’s War of Words, Deborah Tannen (New York: Ballantine Books, 1998) Mobbing: Emotional Abuse in the American Workplace, Noa Davenport, Ph.D., Ruth Distler Schwartz, & Gail Pursell Elliott (Ames, IA: Civil Society Publishing, 1999, 2002) Creating a World that Works for All, Shariff Abdullah (San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., 1999) The Elephant in the Room: Silence and Denial in Everyday Life, Eviatar Zerubavel (New York: Oxford University Press, 2006) The Power of Partnership: Seven Relationships That Will Change Your Life, Riane Eisler (Novato, CA: New World Library, 2002) The Real Wealth of Nations: Creating a Caring Economics, Riane Eisler (New York: Oakland, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., 2007) Healing the Heart of Democracy: The Courage to Create a Politics Worthy of the Human Spirit, Parker J. Palmer (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2011) The Big Sort: Why the Clustering of Like-minded America is Tearing Us Apart, Bill Bishop (New York: First Mariner Books, 2009)

Web Sites to Use for Winnowing Fact from Fiction • • •

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PolitiFact from The Poynter Institute: https://www.politifact.com/ FactCheck.org, A Project of The Annenberg Public Policy Center https://www.factcheck.org/ Vote Smart – Facts Matter https://justfacts.votesmart.org/

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PART VII WHAT CAN I CHANGE? “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better I do better.” —Maya Angelou “Every time you encounter something that forces you to ‘handle it,’ your self-esteem is raised considerably. You learn to trust that you will survive, no matter what happens. And in this way your fears are diminished considerably.” —Susan Jeffers “How much we know and understand ourselves is crucially important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a Wholehearted life: loving ourselves.” —Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection We identified what we are powerless to alter in our partners. Our healing begins with recognizing anything that is ours to change. This section of chapters looks at twelve common roads that trap us with coercive controllers. Each chapter has its own affirmation and Reflection box. • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Chapter 24—Mistrusting our Instincts Chapter 25—Cut Off by the Road of Avoidance Chapter 26—Caught by the Road of Being “Nice” Chapter 27—Tied Down by the Road of Low Self-worth Chapter 28—Martyred by the Road of Self-sacrifice Chapter 29—Weighed Down by the Road of Accepting Unreasonable Blame Chapter 30—Entangled by the Road of Viewing Feminine as Inferior Chapter 31—Trapped by Fear of Being Alone Chapter 32—Bound by the Road of Being Put on a Pedestal Chapter 33—Limited by the Road of Changing My Partner Chapter 34—Undone by the Road of Trusting Unconditionally Chapter 35—Imprisoned by the Road of Loving Chapter 36—Confined by the Road of Instilled Fear Chapter 37—Unraveling the Ropes 211

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CHAPTER 24 MISTRUSTING OUR INSTINCTS “I believe that our culture’s practice of constantly questioning women’s instinctual intelligence has made room for great abuse against the bodies that house that instinct. It is easier to abuse the female body when the instinct of that body is discredited.” —Amber Tamblyn

Believing Our Bluebeards The most important survival skill we have is trusting what we know, what our intuition tells us. Unfortunately, we often learn to ignore or discount this. Clarissa Pinkola Estes uses the term “instinctual nature” to encompass “insight, intuition, endurance, keen sensing, far vision and acute hearing.”[CXLVII] She cites the story of Bluebeard as a cautionary tale regarding vulnerability to predators when we ignore this nature. What follows below is my summary with quotes from this tale that illustrates the importance of intuition. Three sisters courted by a man named Bluebeard are dubious about him. “But the youngest sister thought if a man could be that charming, then perhaps he was not so bad. The more she talked to herself, the less awful he seemed, and also the less blue his beard.” The woman marries Bluebeard, ignoring what she initially perceived. All seems well for a time until he establishes rules for what she can and can’t do in the castle. Estes says: “All creatures must learn that there exist predators. Without this knowing, a woman will be unable to 212

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negotiate safely within her own forest without being devoured. To understand the predator is to become a mature animal who is not vulnerable out of naïveté, inexperience, or foolishness.” When the wife disobeys his rules and instead follows her growing intuition, she discovers his treachery and he threatens her life. Just in time, she digs deep into her nature and finds the will and strength to protect herself. “ . . the ability to stand what one sees is the vital vision which causes a woman to return to her deep nature, there to be sustained in all thoughts, feelings, and actions.” This story may resonate with our own process of awakening to intimate When we have not coercion. We may begin relationships trusted our by ignoring or discounting what we intuition or sense. Or, we may feel powerless and knowledge, this assume we have no choice. When we have not trusted our intuition or does not mean we knowledge, this does not mean we give give them them permission to dominate or control permission to us. dominate or control Being taught to doubt our us. perceptions clouds our vision. It causes us not to see danger or when we do, not to view ourselves as strong enough to resist. We may believe what abusers say without questioning or we talk ourselves out of our concerns. There are countless versions of “maybe his beard really isn’t so blue.” Estes’ story shows the importance of women’s awareness, but it is just as important for men to pay attention to their instincts. They are bombarded with messages that interfere with cultivating sensitivity and make them slaves to the stereotype of manliness. We all are well served by learning to trust our perceptions and what feels right to us. 213

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Sometimes it’s a vague sense we get that we can’t put a finger on. Paying attention, even if we can’t name what we’re perceiving, improves our self-protective powers. The woman in the Bluebeard story called upon her strength and ability to act. If you’re still in emotional or physical danger, you know best what is safe for you. Our risk and safety needs should determine our actions. Refer to the earlier information on safety planning in Chapter 1 and the Appendix. Reflection on Cultivating Trust in Yourself •

• •

Reflect on whether you were encouraged to trust your intuition growing up. Examine how well you trust your intuition now. What successes have you had with this? Who supports you in trusting yourself? Think of times you did not follow your instincts. Notice what you learned from this. It’s really difficult to maintain your perceptions if you are surrounded by those who undermine them. Having allies fortifies you. Seek understanding friends and professionals who encourage you to trust your perceptions and intuition. You may find inspirational books a source of comfort as well.

How We Learn to Mistrust “If subordinates adopt the roles assigned to them, they are considered ‘well adjusted.’ This is the means by which the unequal relationship is obscured and legitimized, and how it is incorporated into cultural values, morality, and social structure.” —Daniel J. Sonkin, Del Martin, and Lenore Walker, The Male Batterer: A Treatment Approach[CXLVIII] You may not see yourself in a subordinate role. However, we are all born into a culture that nurtures stereotypes. For example, women have been assigned lower status, whether by being paid less, ignoring their contributions, or devaluing what they do. The same is true for other marginalized groups in society. If you belong to one of these 214

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groups, you know firsthand how society’s prejudices can affect selfconcepts and confidence. If our socialization includes messages that disrespect our perceptions and feelings, we often learn to disregard intuition. Our experience may stem from our family or it may come from discriminatory practices in society, such as prejudice against racial minorities or same-sex relationships. Both sources lead to muting what we know and perceive, rather than trusting it. Serena’s older cousins intimidated her when she stayed with them. When she told her mother that she felt scared, her mom didn’t ask why but said, “No, you aren’t. You just don’t like when I leave you.” Repeated instances of mom disregarding her feelings caused her to doubt them, and she usually hid anything unpleasant. Serena provides one example of how we learn to silence ourselves. When we bring this into relationships, we accept, and maybe even expect, our needs to be subordinate to others. We may learn to ignore what we know and what we need in favor of adapting to what others say being a “good _____” entails. Some common messages include being cooperative, supportive, subordinate, and self-sacrificing. The first two are definitely strengths in the right context, but they often slide into the last two limiting roles with abusers. In addition, they define what cooperative and supportive means: doing what they want. Lacking trust in ourselves doesn’t automatically mean others will abuse us. However, self-doubt makes us more susceptible to control when we encounter it. It scrapes away our protective ability to evaluate reality for ourselves, seducing us into accepting control. A definition for “seduce”: “to persuade somebody to do something by making it seem desirable or exciting.”[CXLIX] To this, I would add “or by making it appear normal.” Cultural messages that lead us to mistrust ourselves make it easier for abusers to exploit us.

Seductive Roads We Travel We may wonder how we became trapped in a controlling relationship without recognizing it earlier. We may also see there were red flags, but at the time we didn’t spot them for what they were. Absorbing family and societal beliefs about how to act is as natural as our bodies digesting the food we eat. These views form the basis of how we interact with one another. We pick up on the signals about 215

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what is acceptable, consciously and unconsciously. It’s the unconscious acceptance that most undermines us. The next chapters examine common belief “roads” that can make us more vulnerable, especially when abused by a controlling partner: • • • • • • • • • • • •

Avoiding conflict Being Nice Having low self-worth Sacrificing yourself Accepting unreasonable blame Viewing females as inferior Fearing aloneness Being put on a pedestal Changing your controller Giving unconditional trust Staying because of love Taking in abusive messages

Each chapter identifies the reasons, strengths, and values that attract us. Then, it points to how controllers take advantage to advance what they want. Last, suggestions are given for untying any beliefs that bind us. Just as actual roads intersect, these figurative ones interconnect, so you may identify with more than one. You may also see other factors that interfered with protecting yourself. Use the twelve chapters to increase your consciousness of any vulnerabilities you have. Recognition begins the path of healing. Posttraumatic growth begins when we identify ways in which we want to change. Refrain from self-blame and regret over the past or present. If you’re still in a controlling relationship, this information can empower you gradually, whether you stay or leave. Reflection on Mistrusting Yourself • •

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Do you see anytime you gave your partner the benefit of the doubt instead of trusting your perception? Think about what you have learned from experience that would be helpful for others to know.

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CHAPTER 25 CUT OFF BY THE ROAD OF AVOIDANCE What Attracts Us Eye-catching signs that may draw us to this route are COOPERATION and TEAMWORK. These strengths contribute to getting along with others and working with them rather than being polarized. It’s important to differentiate between cooperation and avoidance. Healthy relationships entail give and take. Some disagreement is natural, since we have different expectations, needs, and opinions. Acknowledging and working them out enables us to find fair solutions and can make relationships stronger. HUMILITY and GENEROSITY also attract us. Everyone values those who show these qualities. Avoidance of unnecessary tension can be a good thing when it’s played out by being accepting of differences instead of judging others wrong if they don’t do it our way. Knowing when to take a stand and when to let things go promotes good will.

How Avoidance Becomes Warped Cameron’s family avoided expressing disagreement, maintaining it was important to work together and accept one another. Her family’s communication was indirect when they didn’t like something, and they relied on others’ fair-mindedness and generosity. However, Cameron’s partner didn’t play by these rules and instead expected to dominate whenever they differed. She felt unseen and unloved. Cameron did not intend to give up everything by avoiding conflict. We often assume that cooperation and teamwork exclude having disputes. We may also want to be generous, expecting our partners to return the favor. Expressing our opinions early in relationships provides some protection against those who control, since they may be less attracted. However, it’s not failsafe, because some take it as a challenge to 217

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overcome. When they don’t accept different viewpoints, view this as a warning sign. As we learned in Part III, controllers’ beliefs permit power over us. They accuse and manipulate us to benefit themselves. We understandably avoid the heavy toll they exact when displeased with us. If you believe, • • •

you are disrupting peace in the family, you will not voice what you think. you are selfish, you are more likely to give in to them. you are not knowledgeable, you will be easier to influence.

We cave in when there is constant pressure. Avoiding controllers’ displeasure becomes the path of least resistance. The strengths that originally attracted us become something darker: deception of ourselves. When we’ve experienced destructive rejection or anger in our families, we learn early to steer toward CONFLICT AVOIDANCE at any hint of disagreement. It’s as if an internal siren goes off, and we hasten to retreat at the first sign of someone being unhappy. Controllers reinforce this by being the traditional police car that forces us to pull over onto the shoulder and obey. When we submit, we feel one or more feelings, depending on the person and circumstance: • • •

doubtful because we accept that we were wrong resentful because we never get what we want angry because we recognize bullying sad because we don’t feel valued

After being on this road for years, we often feel depressed. When we have to avoid all conflict, we pay the heavy price of losing touch with ourselves. Freedom from these ropes involves adhering to your values of cooperation and generosity while also honoring yourself. This includes examining what others say to you about your motives and opinions before you believe them. The internal predator is that part of you that agrees or goes along to keep others from being unhappy.

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Reflection on Untying the Ropes of Avoidance • •

• •

•

If this is a road you’ve taken, honor yourself for the values that drew you. Reflect on whether it’s safe now to learn assertive and direct communication. If differences were viewed as threatening and always resulted in some type of verbal or physical violence in your family, notice whether you hold yourself back even when it’s safe to express yourself. Think about whether you receive messages now that it is not safe to disagree. How does this affect you? Choose a supportive person to tell about working on this issue. Discuss your successes and trials with it. Practice dealing with small conflicts with them. Friends usually feel good about being trusted and may even find it helpful for themselves. If you are with an abusive partner, choosing not to resist is often part of self-care.

Affirmation: I have the right to express my wants, needs, and opinions.

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CHAPTER 26 CAUGHT BY THE ROAD OF BEING “NICE” “Gentleness of nature is not a virtue but a defect unless it is accompanied by the tenacity of will. Along with the sweetness there must be strength,” —Grandfather Roy Wilson, Medicine Wheel[CL]

Why Niceness Entices Us KINDNESS and FRIENDLINESS are strengths as long as we are flexible about when we use them rather than allowing others to take advantage of us. They become a liability if they prevent us from trusting our intuitions, expressing our opinions, or defending ourselves. We all need the ability to disagree constructively. Women may be attracted to the cultural messages BE A LADY or BE FEMININE, which always have implied notions of niceness. It may at first seem ridiculous to see these as a path of vulnerability, but the term “nice” carries stereotyped meanings for women. Definitions in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary[CLI]: • •

“pleasing; agreeable” “socially acceptable, well-bred, respectable”

It is not always advisable for us to be “pleasing and agreeable,” since some situations call for limit setting. Being governed by an inflexible admonition to “be nice” opens us to vulnerability. This is especially a problem because we do not hold men to the same expectations. Society’s traditional portrayal of how women should be tempts them to hide their opinions to be more pleasing. This may happen without conscious thought. Understandable, since research shows that assertive women are judged more harshly than men when they display the same behavior. Women also fear being thought of as “bossy” or “bitchy,” and so hide their opinions and achievements. Partially because of this, many confuse assertion with aggression. A group member once said that the assertiveness techniques being 220

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taught felt “unfeminine” to her. Her early learning about proper behavior for a girl prevented being able to express herself assertively. Often the idea that being smart or strong may be unappealing to men intertwines with this. The signs COOPERATION and WORK TOGETHER also ease us down this road, interfering with any thoughts of rebellion against rigid roles. This route often diverts onto the interchange DON’T STAND OUT, leading us to downplay our differences and strengths. Often this results in not being given credit for our ideas or having them co-opted by others. HUMILITY is another sign that attracts many who had selfcentered parents. Adult children often want to be different because they suffered from their narcissism. This may lead them to overcorrect and end up with opposite traits such as self-deprecation, submissiveness, or people pleasing. Men’s socialization promotes strong assertion, competition, and standing out, so they are often more comfortable with these. However, when their histories include abuse, they also struggle with selfconfidence and have trouble standing up for themselves. Traditional socialization also affects males negatively. They may learn to hide parts of themselves because of stereotypical ideas of manliness, such as MEN DON’T CRY or THAT’S WOMEN’S WORK. Such messages interfere with having a full range of life’s options, such as artistic careers or being active fathers.

Control Preys on Niceness Meg had trouble expressing her opinions or taking credit for her work and usually downplayed them with her supervisor. Her partner Leon criticized her for this because she wasn’t advancing. However, when Meg expressed a difference of opinion at home, he accused her of being bossy, so he usually got his way. Meg received conflicting messages from Leon about expressing herself. He needed to be right. He saw benefits from her being assertive at work, but he felt threatened by that kind of strength at home. Consciously or unconsciously, he used ideas about niceness to manipulate Meg and get what he wanted. We often become confused by partners mislabeling our expressiveness. If we ask for something we need and are labeled “bitchy,” this may cause us to rein in and doubt ourselves. Controllers find this a rewarding ploy. Identification of the power and control

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dynamics that motivate this helps us to clarify and not take on their labels. Oppressive messages about female expressiveness dominate our culture, often without our awareness. Women often receive the message they are out of line when they simply are being visible and expressing themselves in the workplace or other arenas. We see this politically as well, with female or trans candidates being treated differently than male counterparts[CLII]. When we’ve received criticism for speaking up, it explains why we feel very vulnerable doing so, even in safe environments. We learn to inhibit our assertiveness at home and other places. We may assume we don’t know how to express ourselves constructively because we hear repeated accusations by partners. Many confess that their leadership ability at work suffers. Family or friends frequently give feedback that we’ve changed from our former selves by being more timid or self-doubtful. The internal predator is that part of us that sees ourselves as “not nice” when we are loyal to our needs and opinions. Reflection on Untying the Ropes of Being Nice • •

•

Observe how much you express your preferences vs. going with what others want. Do you ever hold yourself back from setting limits because you don’t feel it’s nice to say something? Observe any feedback you get that suggests you aren’t “nice” when you express yourself. Is it coming from someone’s sense of entitlement or biases about what is appropriate for women? Notice whether it shuts you down. Communicate your preferences about what you want to do to a friend or coworker you trust instead of keeping them to yourself because it feels “not nice” or selfish. Notice any discomfort you feel. Use the affirmation below. If you feel guilty when you set limits or ask for something, examine where this comes from. Talk to a friend or journal about it.

Affirmation: I express myself assertively and considerately.

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CHAPTER 27 TIED DOWN BY THE ROAD OF LOW SELF-WORTH Sagging Self-confidence Having low self-worth isn’t a choice we make. In case this applies to you, let’s name some of its causes. One symptom of depression is poor self-worth. If we’ve had an early onset of depression or anxiety, symptoms such as low energy and motivation interfere with developing confidence. These symptoms become a cycle: the less we do, the worse we feel, and then it becomes even harder to make changes. Anxiety symptoms also interfere with developing confidence. Physiological arousal, such as racing heart, difficulty breathing, and chest tightness become gates that stop us from doing things. These symptoms cause us to assume we will fail. Therefore, making changes feels like climbing a steep mountain. Building confidence requires learning about how to manage these symptoms. Growing up in families where it is unsafe to speak up or get attention leads to hunkering down and hiding. Abuse affects confidence because children take everything personally; we are all naturally self-centered until we mature out of it. This works positively as well, in that when children are treated well, they adopt favorable views of themselves. However, abuse gets internalized as “there is something wrong with me” or “I deserve this.” These stick to us unless we learn differently, often through the aid of therapy. Divorce sometimes interferes with children developing confidence. Since they are naturally self-centered, they often assume that parents’ difficulties are because of them. If parents don’t know to be sensitive to this, children may feel bad about themselves. They also need to hear they are loved regardless of whether everyone stays together. If instead their parents blame them for the divorce, this is emotionally damaging. If there are perfectionistic expectations in families, this undermines self-assurance. Some parents operate as if children are born knowing what to do without instruction. This sets them up for 223

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failure. If it’s hopeless for children to measure up, fear of even trying builds, and they become more vulnerable to low confidence. Disorders such as attention-deficit or learning disabilities interfere with the development of personal worth. Since they inhibit performance and make us stand out from peers, we often feel inadequate until we understand and learn how to overcome such impediments. Whatever the reasons for low confidence, this quality undermines our ability to relate to people. We approach peers, teachers, strangers, and everything we do with less assurance. When we don’t believe in ourselves, we don’t see our strengths. This naturally affects our choices about relationships and what we think of our capabilities.

Controllers to the Rescue Bess didn’t accept compliments because she felt she didn’t deserve them. She also didn’t share about herself and downplayed her strengths. In the beginning of their relationship, Frank complimented her about how wonderful she was. After marrying, when she voiced opinions he didn’t like, he called her “stupid” and “naïve” and always assumed he was right. Bess gradually sank into depression. Bess was squelched by Frank’s control that masked his insecurities and played on hers. Controlling behavior reinforces any uncertainties we already have, as if set in concrete. None of us wants to cut off opportunities for growth, and we certainly don’t want people making our confidence worse. When we aren’t permitted to express opinions and feelings, to engage in new things, or socialize with others without accusation or retaliation, we never grow and become more selfassured. The initial promise of support dissolves into “if you do what I want.” We may be attracted to entrance signs such as FOLLOW ME, I’LL TAKE CARE OF YOU, or I’LL HELP. These messages can be wellmeaning and supportive from healthy individuals. However, with controllers, it develops into a DEAD END of dominance. Since they often are charming and very certain of themselves, this traps us before we can see them fully. When we have low self-worth, we tend to be followers rather than initiators. We don’t trust our abilities to know what to do or to solve problems. This can result in waiting for people to come to us, feeling grateful when they do, and perhaps not recognizing dominators. 224

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Hiding our opinions and feelings submissively makes us more attractive to those who would like to control. We can protect ourselves better when we work on self-esteem and confidence. To have a positive sense of self-worth, we need a healthy amount of pride and belief in ourselves. Some say we all need some narcissism in order to succeed. I prefer calling this self-interest and a belief you deserve success. This only becomes problematic when it isn’t balanced by empathy and respect for others’ points of view. Those who use power and control lack these last two traits. This internalized predator doubts our worth and looks to others to have the answers, to be our saviors, or to know best. Reflection on Untying the Ropes of Low Self-worth • •

• • • •

If you identify with this, find books that help with the issues that contributed to poor self-esteem. Some are listed in Resources at the end of this section. If a controlling relationship promoted it, join a support group. Groups give opportunities to receive positive feedback. They also open us to valuing ourselves more because we all see the strengths of others more easily than our own. Read books on developing self-esteem and work on an affirmation. Make a list of your accomplishments. Tell a good friend you’re working on your self-worth and ask what she likes about you. You can do the same for her. Support one another in accepting what you hear. Consider therapy if you feel stuck.

Affirmation: I am enough.

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CHAPTER 28 MARTYRED BY THE ROAD OF SELF-SACRIFICE Attractions When we choose this road, wonderful values draw us, such as UNSELFISHNESS and CARE FOR OTHERS. These strengths build healthy relationships. However, they convert into self-sacrifice when blended with low self-confidence and neglect of our needs. Giving to others should not hurt ourselves. Many of the paths to poor self-worth we just explored take us down this route of making choices that sacrifice our self-interests. Caring for ourselves and others are not mutually exclusive. We don’t have to be religious to think the Bible scripture “Love your neighbor as yourself”[CLIII] represents sound advice. This verse assumes that we love and treat ourselves well. Yet, we may operate as if giving to others prevents valuing or pursuing what we want. Let’s delve into why this may be so.

Confusing Self-interest with Selfishness When we find ourselves on this path, we frequently misunderstand the concept of selfishness. Guilt flashes as a warning light when we do something for ourselves. Recognizing the difference between self-interest and self-centeredness helps guide us down a healthier path.

Recognizing the difference between self-interest and selfcenteredness helps guide us down a healthier path.

Those who are selfish focus on what they want, regardless of how it affects others. They do not respect or empathize with others’ feelings or needs, and may not even see them. Those who are self-interested value their needs and respect those of others. They are loyal to their own desires while also 226

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acknowledging others’ rights and balancing competing interests compassionately and fairly. We gain permission to take care of Girls frequently learn our needs and wants from our families as well as culture. Too often, children their needs and desires are taught to ignore their “gut” and aren’t important and give up important needs. Girls should be put last. Boys frequently learn their needs and often absorb lessons desires aren’t important and that they should put them last. Boys often from their fathers who absorb lessons from their fathers who put jobs or their desires put jobs or their desires first at the first at the expense of expense of time with family, resulting time with family, in the neglect of emotional closeness. Such socialization leads to men resulting in the neglect receiving approval for being selfof emotional closeness. interested, whereas females receive greater emphasis on care-taking. Self-interest becomes self-centered when it’s not balanced with care for others. Men avoid being self-absorbed by balancing their regard for themselves with attention to family or others’ needs. Women’s challenge usually is to work in the other direction, putting their needs higher on the priority list. For example, females with careers outside the home often take little time for friends or spend all free time on housework, while their male partners enjoy more leisure at home and away from it. On any given day, the equilibrium in our relationships of getting vs. giving will vary. None of us have all our wishes fulfilled, but there should be a sense of fairness. Sometimes we choose voluntarily to place someone or something else as a higher priority. For example, healthy parents often put their children’s important needs ahead of their own. However, no adult relationship should always require that you give up what you think or desire. Having expectations that our needs are important insulates us from those who would take advantage. Children of both genders benefit from seeing parents balancing self-interest with care for others. They don’t benefit from one or both parents sacrificing themselves. They learn how to live poised gracefully between the values of loving others and loving self when they experience their parents this way. 227

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Most friends may not intend lop-sidedness, but it becomes so without your willingness to express yourself. If we rely on others to know our needs without telling them, we often are disappointed since none of us are mind readers. In addition, we risk attracting those who aren’t interested in giving when we never ask for what we want.

Controllers Twist Generosity August poured attention on helping friends, but never asked for anything from them. They felt confused when people took advantage. However, August felt it was self-centered to voice their desires. They grew increasingly confused and resentful. As August discovered, this path leads to disappointment and resentment. Discomfort in meeting our needs also can lead us to accept blame from abusers. Look out for people who take more than they give. Controlling relationships demand this, and they exact a price when you resist. However, they hide the imbalance behind accusations about you. Controllers define anything that departs from what they want as selfish. Since they don’t apply the same standards to themselves, relationships become one sided. The narcissistic belief that they must be satisfied or “you don’t care about me” paves the way for this imbalance. Their inability to have empathy and see others’ needs seals it. Therefore, being in a controlling relationship brings us to the certain destination of self-sacrifice, regardless of whether we tend in this direction. This path relates to the Road of Being Nice in that sometimes pursuing what we want brings up conflicting interests, and we fear being labeled disagreeable. When we follow what we want, controllers feel threatened. To them, getting our needs satisfied means they will suffer. They do not see how the relationship profits. By portraying it as selfishness, they often shut us down. Double standards and contradictions abound. Buying a new outfit without their permission is selfish, but they feel entitled to go out and get whatever they desire. We must contribute our bonuses to the joint checking account, but they go out and splurge with theirs. Many things that are called “selfish” in abusive relationships are actually rights: • • 228

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• • • • •

Going out with friends Taking a class Saying no to sex Reading a book Calling a friend.

These are examples clients have given me; you may think of countless others. When relationships are unfair, we feel we don’t matter and this contributes to depression. This internalized predator believes your wants and needs are selfish. Reflection on Untying the Ropes of Self-Sacrifice • • •

Reflect on how much you put others before your own welfare. If this is out of balance, think about how it affects your feelings and behavior. Find supportive friends, family, advocates, or therapists who believe your needs are important. Check with them when you feel confused about whether you’re being selfish or self-interested. Identify small things you can incorporate that honor what feeds you. Examples are sitting down with a cup of tea or calling a friend for ten minutes. Notice if guilt pops up and remind yourself this is a leftover habit.

Affirmation: I balance my needs and feelings with those of others, protecting my ability to give.

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CHAPTER 29 WEIGHED DOWN BY THE ROAD OF ACCEPTING UNREASONABLE BLAME Responsibility Confusion Our natural desire for connection draws us to relationships that promise LOVE. The strengths of WANTING TO PLEASE and BEING ACCCOUNTABLE for our mistakes or wrong-doing normally go with love. However, we should not confuse loving someone with being responsible for them. We should base our commitments to others on fairness and reasonable expectations. We may be confused about what is ours to accept, due to circumstances that led us to feel guilty whenever something went wrong. Let’s look at some reasons we learn to do this. If our parents had poor boundaries, they may have taught us to meet their emotional needs. In addition, some parents with alcohol/drug or mental illness problems thrust adult tasks onto children. These examples are heavy burdens that teach children to accept inappropriate responsibility. Striving to satisfy these expectations often becomes the root of problems with anxiety, since there is no way children can successfully perform as well as an older person. When we fall short or receive criticism, this contributes to a shame-based identity. As children, we aren’t capable of critical thinking as to what is reasonable. We may believe that if we just loved enough or did enough, we could fix everything and get the love we crave. We may become exceptionally competent for our years. However, this comes at the price of losing childhood carefreeness, becoming overresponsible, and learning to have unrealistic expectations. We develop a sense of duty even if it’s against our self-interests, opening the gate to accepting others’ unreasonable expectations. It also explains why we may leap into apologies for things beyond our control. If our history included rejection or someone leaving, the threat of ABANDONMENT often blazes out in neon, stopping us from setting 230

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limits. Those who have a disability or serious illness are also more vulnerable to threats of desertion.

Controllers Shift Responsibility Serena said Ariel caused her to be disciplined at work. Even though she had actually reminded Serena to get out of bed several times, Ariel felt responsible. Ariel’s friends noticed that she apologized constantly for things that were not her fault. One new friend pointed out that she habitually said “I’m sorry” for things she couldn’t have changed and wondered if she really saw herself as that powerful. Arial didn’t feel powerful, though her friend’s comment gave her new perspective. Controllers reinforce any tendency we may have to accept blame. It lets them “off the hook” for their behavior and fits right in with their refusal to be accountable. We may not have accepted unreasonable blame in the beginning. One natural response to accusations is to look at what we might have done. The ability to do this represents an asset in healthy relationships. The trap with controllers is that they use our willingness to look at ourselves as fuel to blame unjustly. Being accountable for our behavior gets shifted into us being the problem. Over time, we become confused about what is ours to fix because abusers forcefully pound us with their blame. If we agree to their perceptions of us, we open the door wider, reinforcing the roles of blamer and victim. Abuse wears us down by devaluing, negating, and doubting our reality. Years of coercive control wear away self-esteem, leaving us more prone to being trapped in this roundabout of responsibility. People who affirm what is reasonable and what isn’t support us in rejecting guilt and shame that don’t belong to us. Recognizing the pattern helps us make a U-turn, even if at first that only occurs in our consciousness. This internalized predator binds you with guilt and responsibility for things you cannot control.

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Reflection on Untying the Ropes of Accepting Unreasonable Blame •

• •

Notice if you’re expected to apologize to your partner when they have difficulties that you have nothing to do with. If it’s not safe to resist or it’s difficult to know what is reasonable, check it out with someone trustworthy. Notice whether you say “I’m sorry” whenever someone has a problem. Make an effort to stop it in instances where you are not responsible. Read a book on boundaries (see Resources at end of this section).

Affirmation: I accept responsibility for my mistakes but not for what is beyond my control.

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CHAPTER 30 ENTANGLED BY THE ROAD OF VIEWING FEMININE AS INFERIOR Gender Stereotypes Women and men respond to the cultural signs BE FEMININE or BE MASCULINE, trying to fit into slots that may limit us. Deep societal currents support a status quo of stereotypes. A few of the things we absorb unconsciously: • • • • • • • •

Having different standards for women than men Questioning things women say, but accepting it if they come from men Viewing male leadership more favorably than female Focusing on women’s appearance rather than their accomplishments Seeing women’s anger more darkly than men’s Distrusting emotions and intuitions Valuing stereotypically “feminine” skills like teaching children less than “masculine” occupations like construction work Expecting men to be the providers

Quotation marks were put around feminine and masculine because culture has assigned skills, roles, and preferences more than genetics, but we’ll keep the labels for purposes of discussion. The current designation of the color pink as feminine is an example of cultural stereotyping. Pink was assigned as a male color during the early twentieth century,[CLIV] but it changed over the years.

The current designation of the color pink as feminine is an example of cultural stereotyping. Pink was assigned as a male color during the early twentieth century but it changed over the years. 233

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SUCCESS and POWER are two additional road signs that persuade us to downplay or devalue feminine traits. We conform our behavior and expectations to those of a work culture that is based on what males have traditionally done. They are often so deep-rooted that we don’t even think to challenge them. For instance, many work environments use profitability and productivity to justify rigid work schedules when they actually aren’t always necessary or effective. This forces women to adapt or else accept the blocked advancement when they are primary caretakers for children or elders. The same work rules inhibit men from more actively taking up these roles. Chapter Sixteen identified how following the BE NICE sign leads women to be submissive and hide their strengths. This also interferes with being competitive in the workforce. Men have to steer clear of the signposts MAN-UP in order to value their feminine strengths. During recent years, job creation has shifted toward a greater abundance of traditional female work over male, making it especially important to redefine manhood. Even men who reject any form of misogyny or hatred of women carry around vestiges of gender bias. Some forms include discomfort with emotions, defensiveness about influence by women friends or partners, rejection of traditional feminine jobs and interests, and awkwardness in expressing affection for male friends.

Paths to Rejecting the Feminine Women in my groups who acknowledge discomfort with women or femininity often say they identified with fathers because they perceived their mothers as being weak and vulnerable. This occurs even when fathers are abusive since children naturally copy those they see as strong, often to protect themselves. As adults, we may reexamine our families and see the strength of our mothers. My personal experience illustrates this. I never wanted to be like my mother because she seemed weak with dad. I also felt neglected and criticized by her, and as a young adult blamed mom for my problems with confidence. After having my own family, I realized that mother raised four children mostly by herself, even with two special needs kids. My father left to socialize with his buddies as soon as dinner was over and left her to do everything. I felt greater understanding for her burdens and also recognized that much of her criticism originated with my father.

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My example shows that we often learn to expect more from women than men emotionally. When children have problems, historically women are blamed. Men traditionally are not expected to be as involved, and therefore, may receive less blame. Often when we learn compassion for mothers, we also have more for ourselves. The blaming and belittling of women by abusive fathers may cause us to adopt their biased viewpoints and reject anything of ourselves we think won’t please them. Their aggression also can lead to difficulty trusting men. Recognizing these paternal influences can aid us in revamping our ideas of masculine strength. This opens the road to finding healthy male relationships as well as accepting our femininity. Women certainly can acquire undesirable qualities, such as the proverbial “catty” behavior and gossip. It’s important to recognize how these characteristics grow out of messages about our worth being tied to our appearance and male attention, creating a climate of competitiveness and jealousy. Rejecting the need to compete with other women frees us to claim our power and enjoy female companionship and support. Those who grow up in a supportive circle of women attest to the importance this had on their developing self-esteem. Another route to rejecting our feminine sides results when mothers abused us. This can damage our trust in ourselves and cause us to reject anything that reminds us of our mothers. Significant role models that counteract mom’s influence can help us revise our ideas of womanhood. Refusing to generalize our experience onto everyone frees us to stop projecting mom’s or dad’s shadows, freeing us to find those who are capable of supportive relationships.

Internalized Sexism This is a powerful internal predator, since it isolates us from one another and becomes an additional way for controllers to manipulate us. When women or men adopt negative views about being female or male, we call it “internalized sexism.” Eberhardt[CLV] identifies sexist behaviors women exhibit that mirror the stereotypes cited earlier in this chapter. These examples are counter-productive to forming a healthy identity: • • •

Mistrusting other women Believing that women are not as good as men in leadership roles Valuing men’s opinions more than women’s 235

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• • • • •

Putting men’s needs or wants above their own Avoiding leadership and authority positions Insulting men’s parenting capabilities Holding women more accountable than men for the same behavior Labeling boys “crybabies” when they are emotional

Men also internalize these sexist ideas. Doing so limits them from becoming fully involved with their families. Limiting their emotional choices damages them and their capacity for relationships. Working with our internalized sexism actually helps in addressing some other seductive roads we’ve explored, such as being “nice” at our expense or accepting inappropriate blame. Inequality between the genders will not change until we recognize what we have learned that maintains it. Greater freedom in defining who we are as women and men expands our horizons.

Controllers’ Manipulation of Stereotypes Emily always had more male friends because she had a mother who was critical and untrustworthy. When she married Frank, he was jealous of her male friends, so she gradually lost touch with them. Frank’s control of Emily’s life tightened, and he frequently abused her emotionally. When she complained about this, he claimed she was “just like her mom.” Emily sorted out the source of her distrust of women in therapy. She also received validation about her partner’s emotional abuse. Emily saw how her partner was using her distrust of women to maintain his control over her. Emily’s biased perception regarding female friendships increased her vulnerability to her partner’s prejudice. Controllers are quick to label anything that interferes with their dominance as bad. Many women experience this twist when they express wanting greater equality with household responsibilities. They are accused of being “too needy” or “demanding and bitchy.” When we enter relationships uncomfortable with asserting ourselves, controllers use this to their benefit. They portray any request or negative feedback they don’t like as “aggressive” and reject it. Believing their assessment solidifies the power imbalance where there should be a partnership. They do not place similar restrictions on their behavior. When we admit errors in how we handled something, this often backfires on us. Partners use our admissions to focus on how “bad” we are without taking responsibility for their aggressive behavior. 236

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Sometimes we then fall into thinking we caused the abuse. This twisting of responsibility enables abusers to sidestep or deny accountability. The legal system and professionals sometimes unknowingly go along with this. Hatred of women comes out in overt and subtle ways. When we face this at home or at work, we sometimes assume the fault is ours. Since being the focus of disgust or loathing feels terrible, we may avoid attention. Labeling misogyny for what it is identifies the problem and keeps you from taking it personally. This internalized predator rejects feminine qualities and support, putting a straitjacket on your strength. Reflection on Untying the Ropes of Viewing Feminine as Inferior • • •

Notice the roles women and men play in TV and movies. Observe whether there are positive or negative gender biases and whether they are treated differently. Observe how you view male and female leaders. Do you hold them to different standards of behavior? Have you placed more responsibility on mothers than fathers? Do you see yourself as having a balance in traditional male and female strengths?

Affirmation: I embrace the feminine and masculine parts of myself and others.

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CHAPTER 31 TRAPPED BY FEAR OF BEING ALONE Basing Our Worth on Having a Partner Everyone is attracted to COMPANIONSHIP, LOVE, and SEX, natural desires that bring us fulfillment. However, wanting partnership differs from feeling defective when you aren’t with someone. If we have to be in a relationship to feel okay about ourselves, this quickly becomes a DEAD-END. Fear of being alone takes different forms. We may feel shame or embarrassment about not having a partner and think it reflects badly on us. It may be tied up with insecurities about appearance. The “old maid” stereotype that sees single women differently from single men may not be as predominant today, but still contributes to a mindset that women should marry. Singles sometimes are left out of couples and family social circles. Others of us have trouble shaking the belief that we cannot succeed in the world on our own. We’ve absorbed the traditional message that women need to be “taken care of.” Women with high profile careers can also feel insecure without a partner, even though their lives show their competence. The “Cinderella complex”[CLVI] lives on, making us feel like we’re imposters even with our successes. When we desire children, FAMILY sometimes lulls us into ignoring red flags. Many acknowledge that we wanted them so badly, we jumped into partnership without paying attention to warning signs. Afterward, we find ourselves being grateful for our children but regretful they have abusive fathers. We think of this being a female path, but males also fall into this route. Men in heterosexual relationships often hide their dependency behind machismo, entitlement, or derisive opinions about women. They ignore the emotional benefits they derive from female care, but their partners clearly respond to their TAKE CARE OF ME signals. Men who tie their worth to companionship quickly find another partner to depend upon physically and emotionally regardless of their 238

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sexual orientation. This cultural propensity occurs with men who are not controlling as well.

Trapped by Insecurities Fear of being alone can influence us to sell ourselves short by staying with those with whom we are not compatible. If we wind up with abusers, they use any insecurity they find instead of encouraging confidence. When fear and self-doubt infuse our lives, we’re more vulnerable. If we truly believe that we won’t be okay alone, it’s more likely that we won’t see warning signs. Since abuse usually starts with subtle control and gradually escalates, we slide slowly into accepting the “unacceptable”—being treated with disrespect or any other form of abuse. Partners sometimes use threats of leaving as well as physical harm to force us to submit to doing things we feel embarrassed about. If fear of abandonment leads to committing acts against our values, such as demeaning sexual practices or illegal behavior, the shame about this further entraps us. We keep circling back to feeling responsible for staying in the relationship. When we want to leave an abusive relationship, frequently the belief I CAN’T DO THIS ON MY OWN flashes a warning sign in our consciousness and becomes an internal roadblock. The foundation for our fear may stem from childhood experiences or depression and anxiety symptoms. Regardless of the origin, abusers like Daniel reinforce any belief in incompetence or unattractiveness. Avery rushes into relationships with boyfriends and has never been without one. They know that Daniel is abusive, but panic whenever thinking about leaving him. Daniel reinforces this by saying Avery would not make it on his own and will never find someone who loves like Daniel does. A deep part of Avery believes this is correct. Daniel is happy to drive home how dependent Avery is on him. They will remain ensnared until they build confidence and inner resources. Ending relationships feels like we’re stepping off a cliff. Many times, we know inside that we can do it on our own because in essence, we are. We may take care of all the responsibilities of maintaining a home and children. Even when we are not financially dependent, fear can still cripple us. Emotions are not rational, so be gentle with 239

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yourself. It does not mean this can’t change for you, but putting yourself down will not help. Sometimes we just have to jump before we can learn that we can fly on our own. Reminding ourselves of the adage, “courage is feeling afraid but doing it anyway” aids us in not being stopped by it. It also helps to have non-controlling people who believe in us and offer support. Another neon sign at the relationship exit is THE DEVIL YOU KNOW IS BETTER THAN THE DEVIL YOU DON’T. Even when things are bad, sometimes fear of what we don’t know overcomes our will to leave. If we have had more than one difficult partner, we may find it hard to believe it can be different. Regardless, the underlying belief that we are doomed without a partner keeps us anchored. Besides working on self-confidence, it may be necessary to examine how our trust in life has been altered by life experiences. It is hard work, but not impossible, to detach ourselves from these fears, as we’ll see in the last chapter of this section. Power, control, and entitlement lead abusers to continue their obsessiveness and harassment when relationships end. Some also possess their own insecurities about being alone, something they rarely display until we want to leave. When controllers express sorrow and promises to change, many of us return because we want to believe the relationship can be saved. However, the same dynamics resurface unless our partners commit to treatment. When we end abusive relationships, it is important to give ourselves time to heal. If we haven’t given up the belief that we need someone to complete us, we think a new person will fix everything. The heady experience of new love may prevent us from allowing time to know how they respond in the nitty gritty of relationship. This makes it more probable that we’ll find someone who reinforces our conviction we can’t do it alone. Believing we can’t live without being in a relationship is the internal predator that traps us.

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Reflection on Untying the Ropes of Fear of Being Alone •

•

• •

If this applies to you, look at whether you truly are alone in terms of friends and family. If so, work on rebuilding a support network. Isolation heightens fear. We all need connection and encouragement. If you have a support network but are trapped in thinking that you need a relationship, be gentle with yourself. If you gave up activities with friends to spend all your time with a partner, work on having a better balance, if it is safe. Read a book that speaks to what underlies your fear. Consider therapy with someone trained in trauma and abuse if you do not see how this can change.

Affirmation: I am strong and capable in or out of a relationship.

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CHAPTER 32 BOUND BY THE ROAD OF BEING PUT ON A PEDESTAL Wholesome Appreciation We usually don’t crave to be special, but gravitate toward signs of LOVE and APPRECIATION. The heady experience of infatuation and new love usually involves romanticism of each other. Eventually we learn each other’s ups and downs and if we decide they are reasonable, attraction matures into acceptance and love. Healthy relationships negotiate a balance of accepting one another and working to change and grow together. This includes tolerance for our loved ones’ uniqueness without being threatened by differences. Self-protection involves learning to set limits with those who do not show these capabilities.

From Pedestal to Pit Gabriella’s last partner neglected and used her. When she began dating Ramon, he called her many times a day and wanted to know all about her activities, something that initially felt caring. It felt so good to have someone who gave her attention and love that she missed the warning signs of dependence and insecurity. After they moved in together, he became increasingly suspicious and controlling about anything that took her away from him, including her work. Gabriella is not alone in misinterpreting the signs of an obsessive controller. The first stage of relationships includes infatuation; we feel attracted and then use that as fuel to get to know the person. Don’t fault yourself for not detecting the control earlier; you can’t know what isn’t yet revealed. Many controllers are adept in the beginning of relationships at expressing how special we are and how concerned they are for our best interests. They don’t have signs on their foreheads, as some clients have jokingly wished for. 242

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Some of us may find infatuation Their personality especially appealing because of the switch may leave us contrast with how our families or a past relationship treated us. No working hard to problem with appreciating this replicate what we difference unless we shortcut committing once experienced to someone before we see how well and asking ourselves they wear. Assuming “this is the one” without taking the time to learn how what we did wrong, this person handles disagreement and usually reinforced by to see their values in action can lead to their blame. unpleasant surprises. Some other seductive paths, such as “Fear of Being Alone” or “Low Self-worth” may also interfere with recognizing the signs of control through the haze of attraction. However, people who seem wonderful in the beginning can fool anyone. There is a healthy reason for this. Usually, we assume fairness with people who express caring. We do not presume their expressions of care will turn into control agendas. The lesson here is not to change our ability to trust, but to be alert to any dominance signs that appear. Caution signs to slow down along the relationship path are I’VE NEVER LOVED ANYONE LIKE THIS and YOU’RE PERFECT. It’s good to take such messages with a dose of friendly skepticism and see what happens. Feeling uncomfortable with being idealized shows a lack of naiveté. None of us are perfect and there is no way we can stay on a pedestal. Controllers disguise unreasonable expectations and the tendency to see others as extensions of themselves. Our fall off this platform is painful, because judgment and blame replace their idealization. Following an intense honeymoon period, those who abuse shift to making their needs priorities while neglecting ours. Controllers depend on their victims for self-worth, which explains their attentiveness in the beginning. They need a relationship to feel good about themselves. However, their reliance could also stem from needing to be dominant over someone to feel secure. Signs such as I COULDN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU or LOYALTY IS MOST IMPORTANT are warning flashers. Dominators initially behave in ways that encourage us to care about them. When they become certain about our commitment, the power and control behind the attention more clearly appears, which is way past the point of us becoming attached. It’s no wonder that many people wonder what happened to the person they met. 243

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Their personality switch may leave us working hard to replicate what we once experienced and asking ourselves what we did wrong, usually reinforced by their blame. When we don’t understand their underlying belief systems that support control, we spin our wheels on this road trying to make changes. Recognizing there was a shift in how they related to us becomes the first step out of this rut.

Cultivating Awareness We need not be cynical about everyone, but should have an awareness of insecurity and dominating behavior when they occur. Notice the intentions behind someone’s attention. It isn’t immediately apparent, but time reveals. Animal predators observe to search out vulnerability in their prey. Children are often groomed with kindness and gifts before being sexually abused. These examples are not that dissimilar to what happens with adult victims of abuse. Those who control have desires to dominate underlying everything they do. Taking the time to see them with various people and situations and trusting what you notice are the best ways to unscramble intentions. Observe the nature of enthusiasm in new relationships. See extremes (having to spend all time with you, over-doing compliments, seeing you as perfect, wanting to get serious quickly) as a potential caution light. Proceed carefully and observe whether control and neediness follow. Another cue to be alert to is entitlement. You may first see it in their relationships with their families. Controllers lapse into assuming they have the right to get what they want, and will often label others’ needs as selfish. They view their needs or wants as more important. Taking our time in getting to know Paying attention to them gives us the chance to see their intentions, intensity, true colors emerge. Paying attention to intentions, and entitlement will intensity, and entitlement will help help you in deciding you in deciding whether a whether a relationship is in your best interests. relationship is in your Loving someone should not mean giving up you. It should feel like there best interests. Loving is a sense of balance, proportion, and someone should not mutuality in your relationship, and mean giving up you. especially, that your needs are an 244

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important part of the map. This means we have to get comfortable expressing our needs and preferences. Being attuned to our intuition helps us to discern the warning signs that someone doesn’t care about what we want. Be careful not to shame yourselves for not seeing what abusers carefully hide until we invest in them. This internalized predator assumes intensity shows interest; domination means caring; and attention represents respect. Reflection on Untying the Ropes of Being Put on a Pedestal • • •

If you have committed to relationships in the infatuation stage, reflect on whether it led to missing cues regarding control. What clues have you learned to pay attention to? Think of someone who has been controlling in your life and someone who has not. Do you see any differences in how they express affection and what they expect from you? Does becoming sexual blur your ability to see warning signs or set limits? If so, think about how to handle that in the future.

Affirmation: I look for signs that adoration is backed up by respect and acceptance for who I am and what I need.

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CHAPTER 33 LIMITED BY THE ROAD OF CHANGING MY PARTNER “One of her greatest fears is that her partner will change after she leaves and someone else will reap the reward of her effort. She lives between if I can just hang on long enough, he will change and if I leave and he changes, I will miss out.” —Joanna V. Hunter, But He’ll Change[CLVII]

Compassion as Strength The engaging signs we’re interested in are HELPFULNESS and GIVING. All philosophies and religions encourage embracing the strengths of compassion and helping others. As we have seen, mutual respect and giving are key to healthy relationships. Listening compassionately is one of the greatest things we can do. When we feel heard by others, we experience warmth and connection. Ironically, we also can hear ourselves better when we share out loud. It opens doors in our minds to things we hadn’t noticed and to what our next steps should be, especially when others are encouraging. Being compassionate need not involve anything but giving our attention. We sometimes fall into offering solutions instead of listening and encouraging. Whether our caring and compassion are healthy depends on whether we can maintain good boundaries. This means refraining from giving solutions unasked and being able to set limits about what we will do. We do not want to lose ourselves in giving. We also need the ability to determine what we’re responsible for and what we aren’t, because it’s important not to over-step and impose our agendas.

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When Helping Empties Us Every time Harriet decided to leave because of Fred’s rages, he cried, blamed it on his childhood, and begged her to give him another chance. Repeatedly, she gave in and found books and therapists to help him. Things would be better for a short time, but eventually, he fell back into his outbursts and blamed them on her. Harriet has a lot of company on this road of pouring energy into changing her abuser. Coercive control twists the strengths of compassion and helping others. Wanting to help becomes seductive when we don’t see the signs they’re asking you to do what they need to do for themselves. I NEED SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME and LIFE HAS BEEN UNFAIR are some circumstances that entice us into these relationships. Can you see the underlying messages of dependence and blame hidden within these? Alcoholics, controllers, and those with narcissistic traits are great at seducing or coercing others to take care of them, while also abandoning personal responsibility. They blame their woes on other things or people, hoping that we will feel sorry for them and take over. The unadvertised catch is that ultimately, they blame us for their problems and resent it if we hold them accountable. Abusers milk our compassion. They often have a honeymoon period after a blow-up that displays behavior that initially attracted us. They promise change and we want to believe them. We may focus more on their wants than our own. We do this not recognizing the lack of empathy for us or seeing the underlying pull to excuse their abusive behavior. By blaming something else—neglectful parents, alcoholism, a job loss—they relinquish their responsibility. This implies they cannot control themselves or change. We often try to help them over and over, but our wells eventually run dry. There is no way we can fix things for other people. They have to want to change. Efforts at making therapy appointments for them play into relieving them of responsibility. Refusing to do it themselves demonstrates a lack of investment. Shouldering all the efforts to change doubles back as feeling responsible for what we really can’t control. This cycle of helping ends once again in claiming we’re the problem. Recognize the DOUBLE STANDARD sign with those who have expectations they don’t apply to themselves. For instance, partners may resist making commitments about when they will be home. 247

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However, they may expect us to account for every moment of the time we are away. When compassion, helpfulness, and respect become a ONE-WAY STREET, this signals we are on the road with a controlling person. It is very easy to devote so much attention to caring for another that you neglect yourself. Sometimes we focus on changing our partners when we have trouble believing in ourselves. We may go from therapist to therapist, trying to figure out how to get them to alter their behavior. Controllers encourage this by assuring us they will change if only _____; fill this in with whatever you have heard. When the promise I’LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN is not accompanied with behavior change or comprises only short-lived efforts, recognize the hidden sign NOT INVESTED. Words are cheap, as they say. Our response to renewed promises that have proven to be empty in the past could be, “I’ll believe it when I see behavior changes.” If they expect you to give them unconditional understanding and acceptance, believe that the person will not change. As befuddling as that seems, some risk everything to keep the power dynamic the way it is. I encourage you to view compassion as a DEAD END in such circumstances. Accept it when they demonstrate they will not change, as painful as that is. We will focus more on acceptance in the last section of this book. This internalized predator tricks you into thinking you can change someone if you only devote enough effort and time. Reflection on Untying the Ropes of Changing Your Partner • • •

Make a list of what you’ve done to help your partner and/or the relationship. Now make a list of what your partner has done. How even are these lists? Do you know people who had tough lives and who managed to rise above them and grow? Reflect on the differences between them and those who don’t grow. How would your life be different if you could safely focus more attention on yourself and what you need instead of on your partner?

Affirmation: I let go of what I didn’t cause, can’t control, and can’t cure. I focus on what I can do to make my life better.

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CHAPTER 34 UNDONE BY THE ROAD OF TRUSTING UNCONDITIONALLY Sound Foundations for Trust We all depend upon a network of people. Signposts such as CONNECTION, SUPPORT, and INTEGRITY guide us in making social ties, whether with a partner, friends, or medical and other professionals. Trust is important for greasing the relationship gears. When it’s present, we treat others with respect rather than secondguessing them. Relationships can’t thrive if we’re suspicious or have to control everything. However, others must deserve our faith. Relationships are built on a bedrock of healthful conditions. When people honor expected relationship norms—such as honesty, respect, follow through on commitments, empathy, or concern for your welfare—they earn our trust. We assume people will continue to be worthy of this as our relationships deepen. If we see otherwise, we feel betrayed and reevaluate. This isn’t about putting random conditions on people. We do not withdraw our love and trust if partners don’t do things the way we would. Mature love respects differences and cares about the other’s best interests even when they inconvenience us. Negotiation and empathy are both central to good relationships. Being able to trust others also relies heavily on believing in ourselves. Sometimes we see something that disappoints us and have to take a step back. Having faith in ourselves instead of taking it personally carries us through this. Trusting does not mean we give up our opinions, nor that others have to agree with us. We continue to think for ourselves to reach our own conclusions. Done respectfully, this enriches our connection with them. Sometimes we disagree, so rely on our own judgment more than another’s. This doesn’t prevent us from being friends or intimates. We also may defer to those who know more about a subject. However, we never should give up our right to forming our own opinions. 249

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Hijacking Your Perceptions When Inez met Jim, he called his ex-wife “horrible” and said she had turned their kids against him. She felt wary about this, but as time went on, his attentiveness toward her evaporated her doubts and she decided he had a troubled ex. After she moved in with him, Inez witnessed Jim verbally abusing his children. When she talked to him about this, he angrily accused her of being disloyal and taking his ex’s side. Inez felt guilty, but she gradually came to recognize the distortions in Jim’s perceptions. As Inez became close to Jim, she found Jim’s expectation that she had to accept his views over her own undermined her trust. Her initial disbelief that the considerate man she met would behave in abusive ways changed. As with many values, commitment and trust can be twisted into vulnerabilities by controllers. We don’t expect dishonesty or distortions from those we feel close to. Before the picture is clear, they may lure us into colluding with their blame of others. Wanting to believe can blind us to red flags and to facts being manipulated. Be cautious when there is no room for you to have your own perceptions or if someone demands unconditional faith. This path may seem to overlap with the Road of Low Self-Worth. However, when we feel confident, we can still have partners lie to us. We believe someone whose views we think we can trust. When we see differently, we sometimes lose trust in ourselves. We mistakenly see it as our lack of judgement, rather than being the victim of a con. We miss the signs that say WARNING or ONE-WAY STREET because controllers block them from our view. They are adept at hiding their self-serving beliefs behind more socially acceptable behavior. There are three reasons they can portray untruths so convincingly. One, they see the world through the lens of their interests and have no empathy. Two, their perceptions are so distorted, they truly believe what they say. There are also sociopaths who plan to con and take advantage. Being definite is what fools us. We all can fall into thinking “it must be so” when we hear negative stories. The drama and intensity behind them may convince us without really investigating. Especially when we’ve had positive experiences with someone, we’re more apt to rely on what they say.

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A good example lies with social media. Alarming posts may sway us to share without examining them thoughtfully. We may think, “Why would someone make it up?” Using our judgement instead of blindly trusting keeps our judgment from being hijacked. Controllers slant their views in whatever way serves them. Over time, it becomes clear that their opinions are at odds with the norms of healthy relationships. When their viewpoints are challenged, they may simply end contact so they don’t have to change. However, in intimate relationships, abusers’ control often escalates, raining judgment and blame down so heavily that we may doubt ourselves. We may make excuses and find Remember the other reasons for the painful reality appearance of that we can’t trust those we love. It is sincerity doesn’t hard to conclude they have twisted perceptions, especially when they are constitute a so convincing. Remember, the guarantee. Con appearance of sincerity isn’t a artists have made guarantee. Con artists have made that an art, since it’s that an art, since it’s in their interests to seem believable. Those who have in their interests to distorted thinking are the last people seem believable. to acknowledge it. We have to follow Those who have our instincts about whether something is off. Time always shows distorted thinking are us reality. the last people to Sometimes we allow our dreams acknowledge it. to blind us, as Frida’s case illustrates. When she turned 32, Frida worried that she wasn’t ever going to have children. She was excited by Allen’s charm and desire to have a family. She ignored her misgivings about his stalled job search and moodiness, accepting his excuses. Frida believed marriage and family would give him stability, so they married six months after meeting. She felt betrayed when Allen devoted all his time to computer games instead of job hunting and said he wasn’t ready to be tied down to children. He called her a “nagging bitch” when she complained and denied he said he wanted kids. We feel betrayed when we learn they falsely portrayed themselves. They escalate their denial and blame when we remind them. If we give up what we think or want to avoid losing a life together or any other rewards, we end up betraying ourselves. 251

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This internalized predator is that part of you that ignores your perceptions and trusts unconditionally. Reflection on Untying the Ropes of Trusting Unconditionally • • • •

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Think about whether you’ve tended to trust too much, too soon, without considering whether the person is dependable. Make a list of the behaviors you see that cause you to trust a friend or relative. Contrast this with a list of your partner’s trustworthy behaviors. If you are unsure whether to trust someone, list their behaviors that show they are dependable and respectful, and those that cause doubt. Journal about what you notice. Do you find yourself automatically doubting your judgment when someone disagrees with you? If so, make space for considering your differences when alone so that you can think without pressure. Notice whether you place more trust in others’ opinions than in your own assessment ( not including times you do so because they have more knowledge or experience).

Affirmation: I place my trust in myself and those who demonstrate they are worthy of it.

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CHAPTER 35 IMPRISONED BY THE ROAD OF LOVING Love Stages We all become excited by FALLING IN LOVE. This term aptly describes how it feels, because we are marvelously drawn in, initially focusing most of our attention on the other person. This first stage of love begins with physical and emotional attraction, and we have trouble thinking of anything else. Our hopes and dreams soon become interwoven into this cloak we call “being in love.” We become completely enveloped in the experience of feeling loved and special, and we want these feelings to continue. During the second stage of love, we slowly learn about one another—history, temperament, strengths, weaknesses—and either the relationship proceeds and deepens or we go our separate ways. This isn’t as exciting but very necessary. As the previous chapter indicated, deepening trust relies on consistent caring, respect, and dependability. Caring and mutuality draw most of us to some form of COMMITMENT. Many experiences and people make up our “love maps,” as John Gottman calls them.[CLVIII] Some examples are: • • • • • •

How you met and fell in love Countless memories and dreams Knowledge of one another’s likes and dislikes Children In-laws Crises you lived through

These intimacies become such a part of us it feels like we’re being torn apart if we lose the relationship through death or divorce. Mature love includes devotion to the interests and well-being of our loved ones. It includes accepting another for who they are while also remaining true to ourselves. Loving ourselves improves our ability to love another. When we truly love another, we invest in 253

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working disagreements out to the benefit of both. That way the relationship wins. This doesn’t mean there are never times when words or actions are inconsistent with caring, but mutual love, kindness, and respect are the norm.

When Trust is Betrayed Taylor initially thought Stan’s desire to do everything together was evidence of his love. However, little by little, Stan pushed Taylor to give up activities and friends, always making it about loving him enough. Taylor thought the adoption of their child would ease his insecurity. Instead, Stan became more temperamental and controlling, complaining that the baby took all their time. Taylor recognized too late that Stan only felt loved when he received everything he wanted. When relationships don’t allow us to be ourselves, with our own activities and friends, this starts a slow but sure path to losing touch with who we are. Loss of confidence and independence become the inevitable result. As we saw with trust in the last chapter, controllers leverage commitment to get what they want. When efforts to be ourselves become a bumpy road strewn with accusatory signs such as YOU DON’T LOVE ME ENOUGH, YOU’RE SELFISH, or YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS MORE THAN YOU DO ME, we may respond with reassurance and efforts to prove the opposite. Our love and commitment then become a trap until we realize the unreasonableness of their expectations. Love relationships involve implied agreements for respect and tolerance. When our partners don’t adhere to these values, we cannot repair the relationship on our own. We feel cracked open when the people we trust treat us in unloving ways. Torn places in the cloak of love caused by verbal and physical abuse, broken promises, and dashed hopes result in losing faith in them. We need to care about ourselves enough to reject harmful behavior, even when we still love them. Romanticizing being in love combined with our sex drive sometimes keeps us in an abusive relationship. We fall in love with an illusion or ideal rather than reality, and the trap clamps shut. We keep thinking we can turn it around. Trying to do so interferes with seeing other options. Sometimes what we have learned in our religious communities complicates ending a relationship. We married until “death do us 254

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part.” Some churches do not recognize how abuse affects their believers. However, there are many who acknowledge that exercising power and control is contrary to their spiritual principles. While maintaining families is the ideal, they see the moral inconsistency in insisting that one party bear the pain of an abusive relationship. Our attraction to COMMITMENT becomes another strength to manipulate. When our loved ones hurt us, we need to ask ourselves two questions. Why are we committed to someone who is willing to harm us? When does our commitment become disloyalty to ourselves? We often take more responsibility for preserving the relationship than our partners do. They do much that drives us away and yet blame us when we leave them, claiming we are tearing apart the family. Do not consider leaving as your failure; they are responsible for the behavior that made it necessary. Staying would mean we are more loyal to them than to ourselves. Unconditional love relates to unconditional trust. We are justified in placing conditions of mutual respect and kindness on relationships.

Loving the Person But Not the Behavior We often continue to love even when we can’t trust partners to treat us well. It isn’t the loving that is the problem, it’s letting that interfere with self-protection. It might help to look at a similar example. Parents of an addicted child continue to love them, even though they can’t trust them. They often have to use “tough love,” setting limits and refusing to bail them out of trouble. Similarly, we can love someone but choose not to be with them. Love should not be a trap that keeps us in abusive relationships. The questions we need to ask ourselves are, “Can we live with a partner when we don’t trust and respect them? Is doing so exacting too high a cost to our self-esteem?” Only you can answer these. Acknowledging how they have betrayed our love, while painful, allows us to grow and decide next steps. You can post the sign I LOVE YOU BUT NOT YOUR BEHAVIOR when you begin to say “no” to coercion and unreasonable expectations. This can take the form of asking them to change or leaving. Some partners respond with genuine change when faced with the partnership ending, but this is not guaranteed. If they don’t agree to alter their behavior, we need to accept this as the reality and decide from there what to do. A grieving period accompanies this acceptance.

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Those who are looking on from the outside find it easy to focus on abusive incidents and push hard for us to leave. They haven’t experienced the love and shared past you have. I remind friends and family that it takes time before anyone gives up. Ending relationships involves a lengthy process of coming to terms with it. Abuse does not shorten the emotional process of grieving. If anything, it is even harder. Setting limits takes courage, but it frees us from being trapped by our love for another. If you exit this relationship, supportive friends ease the process of grieving. They also provide a foundation for building connections with those who are capable of acting in loving and respectful ways. This internalized predator says, “I love him, so I can’t leave him.” Reflection on Untying the Ropes of Being Imprisoned by Love • • •

Sometimes people say things like, “You made your bed, now lie in it.” Notice how the sentence implies a choice, as if you chose the abuse. How do you see it? Does guilt about how your partner feels interfere with setting limits? Notice whether that person takes responsibility for why you need to. Think about whether there are religious teachings that keep you in the relationship. Each spiritual tradition has teachings and leaders who support leaving if that is safest for you.

Affirmation: I love myself and deserve to be treated with kindness and love. Loving my partner does not mean I have to accept abusive behavior.

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CHAPTER 36 CONFINED BY THE ROAD OF INSTILLED FEAR The Purpose of Fear You may wonder what instilled fear is, Instilled fear is and why I include it as a seductive different from path. Before we get to that, let’s first examine how fear serves us. rational fear. It Gavin de Becker indicates that the doesn’t serve us emotion of fear serves to grab our because it comes attention so we can protect ourselves.[CLIX] It is a call to action. He from believing strongly emphasizes the role our erroneous things intuition and physical sensation play about our worth in recognizing when something is not right. When we are in emotional or and ability. physical danger, we receive signals such as skin prickles or a sinking in the stomach. Paying attention to these is the forerunner of action. In The Gift of Fear, de Becker says, “Real fear is a signal intended to be very brief, a mere servant of intuition.”[CLX] As mentioned in Chapter 14 of this section, we are often taught to ignore our innate ability to perceive. Our society often does not value it, instead favoring logic. Women’s intuition, in particular, has been belittled, though we also teach men to ignore their “gut” feelings. In addition, controllers encourage self-doubt. When we pay attention to our perceptions, we can choose more effective responses rather than ignoring what we know or allowing abusive distortions to determine what we do.

Instilled Fear “All the water in the world cannot drown you unless it gets inside of you.” —Eleanor Roosevelt 257

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Instilled fear is different from rational fear. It doesn’t serve us because it comes from believing erroneous things about our worth and ability. Chapter 12 reviewed how the trauma of intimate abuse affects our beliefs, causing us to limit ourselves. Just as advertising and propaganda rely upon repetition for their power to convince us, this dynamic works even better coming from the lips of someone we care about. Constant verbal abuse eventually seems true. Instilled fear tells us we are still in danger even when we’re safe. Kris provides an example of what this term means. Ben stalked and threatened Kris’s life when she left him, resulting in prison time. Several months after that, Kris sought therapy because she continued to experience fear squeezing her life. It came in the form of self-doubt, difficulty trusting new friends, and paranoia about walking around the city. Ben’s words of criticism echoed in her head, and his threats and stalking left an unforgettable impression she wasn’t safe. Kris’s fear endured past the threat of her relationship. It’s not uncommon to face ongoing problems when relationships end, abusers are jailed, or even when they die. Our rational fears unfortunately may sprout into instilled fear beliefs that keep us from moving forward. Chronic abuse prolongs the fear response past the time of danger because situations, people, or sensations that remind us of past trauma trigger the same fear we felt before. Neuro-scientists report the brain’s neuro-plasticity explains the changes in how we respond; we literally build new neural connections. Doing so has helped humans learn from their experience and stay alive since cave days. We see this even with onetime traumas, such as auto accident victims flinching when fast cars approach. Chronic abuse has a longer lasting impact on us. The most damaging instilled fear involves losing faith in our own power. Coercive control acts like a snowball; the more we experience it, the greater the loss of trust in ourselves. Belief in the power of others, coupled with the lack of belief in our own, cripples us. Throughout history, brainwashing like this has made it easier to subjugate women, blacks, Native Americans, and other groups of people who suffered injustice. Instilled beliefs affect what we do. Our response to abuse, whether a private trauma or a global one like the Holocaust of World War II, rests on what we believe inside. We have to have faith in ourselves to defend against control psychologically. Instilled fears seduce us into remaining restricted if we don’t question and work to transform them. We may litter our paths with signs such as: 258

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• • • • •

I CAN’T MAKE IT ON MY OWN NO ONE ELSE WILL LOVE ME I MUST BE WRONG IF SOMEONE DISAGREES WITH ME I’M NOT SMART ENOUGH OR GOOD ENOUGH THE WORLD IS NOT SAFE (when there is no present evidence)

These beliefs become a straitjacket that interferes with living the life we want even when the control has stopped. They hold us back by acting as roadblocks to exploring new things, making choices, forming new relationships, and attaining change. Instilled fears become like ticks, continuing to suck away vitality and growth. We have to remove them to break free from living under the old controlling rules. If we’ve learned self-doubt from childhood abuse or bullying, the fuel of domestic abuse burns this even deeper into our minds. Trauma therapy may be necessary to help us release what we have absorbed. We can learn to question whether our fears are rational, rather than blindly following them. Neuro-plasticity benefits us here; it enables change by forming new pathways. Friends, family, and professionals can support you in learning to believe in your power. This internalized predator believes the controller was right and limits your choices. Reflection on Untying the Ropes of Instilled Fear •

• •

Write down any fear you feel because of actual threats. Make a separate list of fears that you learned, ones that draw their power from how you were treated, how you were raised, or from depression or anxiety. Do you respond similarly to both kinds? Think about a limiting belief that resulted from what you experienced. Who and/or what can help you in transforming it into one that frees you to be yourself? Notice whether negative things your controller said continue to echo in your head. Try counteracting it with something like “Stop, that’s not true.” Come up with an affirmation that you can work on believing.

Affirmation: I let go of old beliefs that limit me and open myself to adopting new ones.

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CHAPTER 37 UNRAVELING THE ROPES “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave.” —Mark Twain, The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson

Facing Our Seductions The past chapters equipped us to uncover old learning, self-doubts, and control-instilled beliefs that restrict our lives. Now we can focus on unraveling these symbolic ropes. This occurs one step at a time. Living in a controlling environment limits progress. Supportive resources such as friends, family, therapists, groups, and books provide inspiration and tools for untangling our particular ropes. Yes, I sound like a broken record, but it is that important. Whatever the seductive roads we identify with, to empower ourselves, we have to alter our relationship with fear, whether real or instilled.

Seeing Fear with New Lens “Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.” —Carrie Fisher The message of Franklin D. Roosevelt’s quote, “the only thing we have to fear is . . . fear itself,” easily escapes us when we’re in the midst of change. Rather than see it as a sign that you aren’t powerful, learn to see fear as a call for your attention. It becomes the forerunner of action. 260

Rather than see it as a sign that you aren’t powerful, learn to see fear as a call for your attention.

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Freezing and doing nothing when faced with a dangerous situation may sometimes be the only way of protecting ourselves. However, when this becomes a routine response to anything scary, we cannot grow. It’s important not to allow fear to stop us, but use it as an important cue for our attention. In When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron[CLXI] speaks of what frequently happens: “We habitually spin off and freak out when there’s even the merest hint of fear. We feel it coming and we check out. It’s good to know we do that—not as a way to beat ourselves up but as a way to develop unconditional compassion. The most heartbreaking thing of all is how we cheat ourselves of the present moment.” Staying in the moment helps us face our fears and assess what is real, rather than what our “monkey mind”[CLXII] may tell us. This term represents automatic fear-based thoughts we have when we are changing or learning to do something new. These include the repeated accusations that are abuse instilled, such as “I’m not good enough.” Often, we assume when we’re Feeling fear and afraid that it means one of two anxiety is not an things: “I can’t handle this” or “I must indicator you can’t be making a mistake.” These reactions of anxiety and fear confront all of us make it, but actually when we make changes, but they that you are making can become ropes tying us to old progress. Heightened patterns. Instead of interpreting these emotions as signs of weakness anxiety is normal as or that you’re doing something we get close to what wrong, allow yourself to experience we’re working toward. and breathe through them. Feeling fear and anxiety is not an indicator you can’t make it, but actually that you are making progress. Heightened anxiety is normal as we get close to what we’re working toward. We feel this emotion along with uncertainty when we begin anything new, just as Morgan’s experience demonstrates: Morgan decided to leave Kai after years of verbal abuse and coercion. She packed and left when Kai was at work and didn’t say where she went. To her surprise, Morgan felt anxious in her new apartment and doubted her decision. 261

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All the new steps of creating her life brought up fears that she couldn’t do this alone. Fortunately, Morgan’s support group and other friends encouraged her through this time, letting her know it would get better. We also have moments of uncertainty when we begin relationships, get new jobs, or start down different career paths. We frequently wonder, “Am I making a mistake?” or “Is this right for me?” Asking these questions allows us to pay attention instead of making impulsive decisions. View such thoughts as a natural part of any transition process. According to Steven Pressfield in The War of Art: “Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.” [CLXIII] The resistance he speaks of shows up as feeling afraid and doubtful. We may also experience it as fatigue or lack of energy. Progressing toward our goals involves learning to walk through these emotions and soothe them with new truths. Just as we put salve on a physical wound, we can apply positive beliefs to replace the old ones holding us back. The Reflections at the end of these chapters include examples, but find ones that fit for you. The relentless accusations and put-downs were engrained into our psyches. Repetition of new beliefs can work just as well in untying any ropes that continue to bind us.

Empowerment “Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” —George Addair Power over us depends upon our obedience, and it falls apart when we withhold our allegiance. Often,[CLXIV] when we feel stronger and more aware of coercive dynamics, controllers become afraid and redouble their efforts. Even when it’s not time to assert ourselves because of safety risks, labeling their behavior helps us make sense of it. Clarity liberates us from their viewpoints. Our power increases as we refuse to believe what others say about our significance. It magnifies as we learn about ourselves rather than believing what others say about us. Tami provides an example: 262

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Tami sought help because she felt like such a failure in her marriage. Sam’s tirades that she was to blame for his unhappiness always ended in her feeling bad about herself and confused about what to do. As she worked in therapy, a light bulb of insight went off one day. “I don’t control what he does or feels; there is no way I’ll ever be able to please him.” Once she gained this understanding, his accusations no longer held the power to reduce her to tears. She started reading about abuse and rebuilding her self-esteem. When traumatic experiences have thwarted self-confidence, we first have to grow in knowing and trusting ourselves. Scientists say brains have unlimited potential for forming new connections. This means we can learn new beliefs. Over time, the updated neural pathways strengthen and become our new normal. These changes are more easily attained when we feel safe. Healing when you’re still being burned by abuse is like escaping smoke inhalation if you’re in a burning house. It is very difficult and you need lots of supportive “masks” in the form of friends, family, therapists, advocates, and others. When we’re able to remain loyal to our perceptions, we are on the path of strength and healing. The promised reward of selfempowerment often feels like distant comfort in the beginning, when anxiety pins us. Treat yourself with patience and kindness as you untie the old knots and string your empowerment necklace.15 “How Do I Go Forward?” chapters include additional insights to guide you.

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Reflection on Unraveling Seductions •

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Name any of the seductive roads from this section that have become snares without shaming yourself about them. Being aware of them is the first step. Identify supports that will aid you in disentangling. List any instilled fears as opposed to rational fears and examine how you respond to them. If they interfere with steps you want to take, look for relationships that encourage you. If you’ve been isolated, you can start with a support group or therapist. Make a plan for working on affirmations and beliefs that argue with the old monkey mind responses you have. Are there physical sensations surrounding fear that stop you from moving forward with things you want? Try focusing on your breathing for a few moments, noticing your chest move up and down or the sensation in your nostrils. If you have other ways of relaxing, use them. After calming yourself, see if you can proceed. Doing what you fear from a relaxed place can shift how your body responds in the future. Building a meditation practice can provide a solid foundation for work on any change efforts. Research demonstrates that the practice of bringing your attention back when it wanders supports the brain in building new pathways. Start simply with a few minutes. Apps may be useful. If you have a spiritual tradition, use this as a resource for supporting your goals. Pick up an inspirational book when you feel challenged.

Affirmation: I give myself credit for each step I take.

RESOURCES • •

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But He’ll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship by Joanna V. Hunter (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2010) The Gift of Fear: and Other Survival Signals that Protect us from Violence by Gavin de Becker (New York: Dell Publishing, 1997)

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• • • •

Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D. (New York: Ballantine Books, 1992) The Cinderella Complex: Women’s Hidden Fear of Independence by Colette Dowling (New York: Summit Books, 1981) Overcoming Low Self-esteem: A Self-help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques by Melanie Fennell (New York: Basic Books, 2009) Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward by James O. Prochaska, Ph.D., John C. Norcross, Ph.D., & Carlo C. Diclemente, Ph.D. (New York: Harper, 1994. Reprinted 2002)

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PART VIII HOW DO I GO FORWARD? “As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, So a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.” —Henry David Thoreau “Everything is gestation and then birthing.” —Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet “Life is a hard battle anyway. If we laugh and sing a little as we fight the good fight of freedom, it makes it all go easier. I will not allow my life’s light to be determined by the darkness around me.” —Sojourner Truth This section focuses on how we encourage growth and change. By listening for inner direction, we step into our power, moving us from victim to survivor to thriver. • • • • •

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Chapter 38—Germination Chapter 39—Fertilizer Chapter 40—Transplanting Chapter 41—Grieving Chapter 42—Nurturing Growth

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CHAPTER 38 GERMINATION “For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out, and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” —Cynthia Occelli[CLXV]

Cracked Open A client indicated this quote encouraged her while going through the turmoil from an abusive partner. It wasn’t an easy road, but she emerged feeling stronger. When we step through the inertia brought about by confusion and fear, we eventually face the question of what we want given what is. Perhaps seeds don’t feel agony, but we sure do. Empowerment comes through our sweat and tears. Grief, sadness, disappointment, anger, and despair are all part of the process of change. There are no shortcuts. Knowing this may reassure us we’re going to be okay. Sometimes we lose sight of the benefits we’re working toward because our present ache is so immediate. If we’re having daily power struggles and drama with an abusive partner, it’s hard to keep believing that we’re on the right path. In order for the throbbing pain to give way to a sense of well-being, we have to care for ourselves, much as we do seeds. The first stage in this process involves being with what is and waiting for what comes next.

Dormancy “In soulmaking we can’t bypass the cocoon. Wherever there are bright new wings, there’s always the husk of waiting somewhere in the corner.” —Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heat Waits[CLXVI] 267

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“The average length of a transition is five years. They take longer than we think, but not longer than we need —and not forever, either.” —Bruce Feiler[CLXVII] Seeds enter a dormant state just as caterpillars do, only to sprout out of the soil when the conditions are right. Wherever there are vibrant flowers, there have been seeds or roots that successfully managed this. This stage looks a lot like waiting, something that has a bad reputation. We often feel impatient, annoyed, or bored when we wait; we consider it wasting time. It feels passive and inactive. We also may mistake this phase as being stuck. Dormancy is better described by terms like “awaiting, pausing, being present, anticipating.” It’s part of awakening to our spirits, inner voices, who we are at the core. During this awaiting stage, we process what is, feel our emotions, identify our needs and wants, learn and listen, gain insights, and search for answers. We usually wade through questions that crowd our minds, a few of which may be: • • • • • • • • • • •

Whom can I trust to talk to about this? Am I safe? Do I ask for my partner to change? Do I work on this relationship or has there been too much damage? Are they changing? Do I want a divorce or a separation? How do I leave safely? Can I make it on my own? What happens with the children if I leave? How can I protect myself (and my children) from revenge? Where do I go? How do I support myself?

It’s important to pace yourself, taking the time and mental space you need. If you feel pushed into doing or not doing something by family, friends, or partners, this doesn’t help. Look for those who give insights and encouragement. We have to come to terms with what we see and take the hard steps of acceptance, letting go, and grieving. Only then can we choose what we want rather than having abuse determine our outlook for the rest of our lives. Put this way, dormancy doesn’t seem passive at all. It takes time, patience, and lots of effort. There is no definite interval or tempo. I cited Feiler’s quote about five years being an average time to 268

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discourage judging how long it takes, not as a prediction. It can be less and sometimes is more. Dormancy begins whenever we feel an internal shift of perspective, a realization that we need some sort of change. It moves gradually when we’re ready for that change to come about. I like Christina Baldwin’s phrase, “move at the pace of guidance.”[CLXVIII] Just like seeds, it may seem like nothing is happening, but later we realize we were gathering ourselves, readying for what came next. Terry at times resisted and at others submitted to Lance’s control, attempting to calm him to no avail. After years of this, she felt resigned that he would never change. Terry knew she didn’t want to live the rest of her life being controlled, but she felt overwhelmed whenever she thought about doing something. Terry began reading books and blogs and listening to podcasts that answered some of her questions about her partner. Eventually, she reached out to a therapist that specialized in IPV. They focused on self-esteem and developing a broader source of support. Terry joined a survivor group and felt it enriched her life and gave her courage. A turning point came when she realized her indecision about what to do had evaporated, and she felt ready to take the next steps. Tolerating this waiting time is especially difficult during tremendous pain and chaos. Others may say we are procrastinating or delaying. We may call ourselves weak. Nothing is further from the truth. We’re processing and readying ourselves. Recognizing the importance of this dormancy phase helps us see ourselves with compassion. We can view the time we spend coming to terms with coercive control as what was necessary for us, rather than judging how long it’s taken or comparing ourselves to someone else. The six stages of change identified by Prochaska, Norcross, and Diclemente include dormancy.[CLXIX] The stages are: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and termination (completion). Pre-contemplation is that time before we identify the problem. Contemplation involves understanding where we are and what needs to change. The preparation stage includes planning for the action stage in which we carry out our plans. Maintenance reinforces the changes, and termination represents successful completion of what we set out to transform. Though their book addresses altering habits, knowing these stages helps us have reasonable expectations for other change processes. 269

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I see dormancy as encompassing both contemplation and preparation. Contemplation is a necessary component of coming to terms with what is in order to prepare for action. We provide space for dormancy when we gather information, seek clarity through journaling or talking with others, and just have quiet time to be with our thoughts. The Caterpillars need a chaos and danger that often come with period of dormancy coercive control interferes with this. before they are ready Impatience with ourselves or from others also doesn’t help. to emerge from the Remember the butterfly. Caterpillars cocoon. Forcing them need a period of dormancy before they to shed it too soon are ready to emerge from the cocoon. results in their wings Forcing them to shed it too soon not being ready to fly. results in their wings not being ready to fly. Reflection comes before we can Reflection comes soar. You will know when you’re before we can soar. ready for decisions.

The Sun of Recognition If you’ve ever planted seeds, you know it is rewarding to see those first sprouts raise their faces to the sun. Yet we rarely give our efforts the recognition that helps hope to thrive. Acknowledge the courageous steps you’ve already taken. It’s easy to overlook them when we’re overwhelmed. Yet each small action we take—or have taken—becomes the platform for further steps. All acts count. Each ray of sunshine we give them provides energy that allows us to go further. Examples:

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Reading this and other books or articles that inspire you Telling a friend what your relationship is like Talking to a domestic violence advocate Seeking a therapist Going to an inspirational talk Finding a spiritual leader who understands Writing in a journal Attending a support group or online chat room Taking a day off from work for mental health or for planning (secretly if needed) Making a safety plan Undertaking something by yourself Consulting a divorce attorney about options

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Often, we feel anxious when we achieve any of these things. Understandable, given the fear abuse generates. Courage is feeling fear and doing it anyway, so we deserve a medal for every time we act. Each step represents pursuit of hope for a better future, whether or not that’s with our partners. Hope is the embryo sac for our seeds that gives us energy to keep going. “To hope is to gamble. It’s to bet on the future, on your desires, on the possibility that an open heart and uncertainty is better than gloom and safety. To hope is dangerous, and yet it is the opposite of fear, for to live is to risk.” —Rebecca Solnit[CLXX]

Watering Coercive control affects us much like drought does seeds; there is nothing nourishing for us to soak up. Watering our sprouts has two components: self-care and social support. Self-care Often, I’m met with either laughter or bewilderment when I mention self-care to survivors. This is an important water supply for the soul, yet it often seems out of reach. On top of the injuries we suffer from abuse, there may be many issues requiring our attention. Children’s interests, getting a job, balancing work with home demands, settling into a new place, or countless other things take priority. And these may be on top of ongoing coercive control. The realities we face drain us, which means support and replenishment are even more necessary than if our circumstances were without stress. We may be unable to visualize doing something for ourselves or draw a blank on what would feel nourishing. If the latter is true, refer back to the Reflection on Self-care in Chapter One. Please don’t look at lack of self-care as evidence of one more thing that you’re failing at. Underlining how important self-care is does not imply a judgment about its frequency. This is something we can move toward, setting small goals. Partners make it difficult and sometimes impossible to accomplish anything for ourselves. They interfere and call us selfish. Self-care is a right and a need for every human. We often have to be creative when others put barriers in our way. For instance, building in a few minutes 271

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after a doctor’s appointment. Sitting in the car listening to music before going home from work or shopping. Walking to run an errand. Playing restful music while doing chores. We can internally dispute what our partners say when we do these things. Healthy self-worth involves balancing our needs with others’, never starving ourselves. Family relationships are never 50/50 all the time, but they should always be mutual and fair. If self-care is not where you want it to be, set a small goal. That is how change occurs, one small step at a time. Social Support I have mentioned this important source of water for the soul over and over. It occurs like a broken record because of how precious supportive connections are. To have someone listen and really hear us promotes self-discovery. It helps us voice our thoughts and feelings, reflect, and become attuned to what we want. Talking with others gives us insights and affirms we are not crazy. It also eases loneliness and contributes to our sense of well-being. Friends, family, online chat rooms, groups, therapists, advocates, and spiritual leaders represent water sources. When we’ve become isolated because of coercive control, these sources dry up. Lacking outlets solidifies partners’ power over us. Developing support may also seem next to impossible. Sometimes we have to start with someone from the helping professions. Many people acknowledge they came for therapy because they wanted someone who could listen objectively without an agenda. This opens a path to self-awareness and, ultimately, feeling stronger. Reflection on Your Experience • • • • •

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Does the concept of dormancy help you view your life more compassionately? Reflect on efforts you made that you need to recognize yourself for. Notice how you feel when it comes to taking care of yourself versus taking care of the needs of others. Does it seem like a healthy balance? Identify your activities that protect your energy. Are there things you want to add? Reach out for support and encouragement. If your source of this seems too small, think of ways to expand it.

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CHAPTER 39 FERTILIZER Enriched soil improves growth, whether Sometimes the we’re talking about seeds or our lives. fertilizer we need There are many avenues we can most is freedom from choose to enhance our lives. We may danger. We might not choose a spiritual or religious path. The secular path of psychotherapy think of this as might appeal more to us. We may pick encouraging growth specialized help from intimate partner unless we recognize abuse agencies. Inspirational speakers how trauma affects may inspire us. Books are wonderful our hormones and sources. Of course, we can use more than one of these. immune systems. Traumatic experiences inhibit sprouting. We can, however, use them as compost. To paraphrase Epictetus,[CLXXI] the important thing is using what happens to us rather than allowing it to diminish us. We call this “post-traumatic growth.” We will focus on four topics that fertilize such growth: protection, acceptance, disengagement, and mental health or addiction work. We can choose any of the above avenues to assist us with them.

Protection Sometimes the fertilizer we need most is freedom from danger. We might not think of this as encouraging growth unless we recognize how trauma affects our hormones and immune systems. A constant adrenaline rush wears us down, whether from physical or emotional abuse. Being on constant alert for abuse interferes with having the mental space to focus, much less being able to figure out what we want to do. If we have constant worry about what will set off a violent episode, we cannot benefit as much from the dormancy, sunshine, and watering we just covered. It’s important not to fault ourselves if we cannot tap into these, but instead recognize that survival comes before thriving. 273

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If you feel you are at high risk, I encourage seeking protection. There is no sure strategy to recommend. Some abusers respond to calling the police and getting restraining orders, others escalate their violence. Filing for divorce or moving out may be a wake-up call that stops some, but we’ve already acknowledged that it sometimes increases the danger. Asking partners to join abuser therapy can provide some protection because they are being watched. However, this is not a sure guarantee that they will change. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use any of these, but simply acknowledges that protecting ourselves isn’t easy. I encourage working with an advocate in an intimate partner violence program or a therapist who specializes in IPV. They have training in making safety assessments and planning, can outline options and resources, and advise you on any steps you want to take. They don’t tell you what to do, but help find the best options for you. Some of us need to take more extreme steps, such as calling the police and pressing charges or secretly When we’ve gained moving away and hiding. Others don’t require this. greater safety, it When we’ve gained greater safety, often takes time it often takes time before we feel safe. before we actually We may need trauma therapy to feel safe. resolve the memories that keep us locked in fear and prevent us from moving forward.

Radical Acceptance “‘Radical acceptance’ means completely and totally accepting something from the depths of your soul, with your heart and your mind. You stop fighting reality. When you stop fighting, you suffer less.” —Karyn Hall, Ph.D.[CLXXII] Anything that encourages accepting reality acts as a potent fertilizer. Refusal to accept inhibits our growth and healing. If this seems wrong, it’s usually because we misunderstand what radical acceptance is. 274

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Acceptance is not saying you approve, agree with something, or are okay with what happened. It isn’t forgiveness, and it’s not forgetting or pretending it didn’t occur. Nor is it making excuses for the other person. Acceptance is facing factual reality instead of fighting or ignoring it. It is acknowledging what you can and cannot change. It is seeing people for their totality rather than only the things we like about them. It is letting go of trying to change them instead of fooling ourselves that they will listen. It is recognizing unfairness and injustice and empowering ourselves against it. Marsha Linehan coined the term “radical acceptance”.[CLXXIII] When we truly accept, even painful realties, it frees us to respond from the recognition of what is and change what we can. When we don’t accept, we keep trying to change abusive partners. We argue with or coax them when that’s safe. Sometimes we refuse to see what we don’t want to see. The sense of unfairness may fuel our resentment, which can become a quicksand that keeps us from moving on. We stay focused on the outer circumstance rather than doing our inner work. It’s reasonable to ask abusers to It’s reasonable to ask abusers to alter their alter their behavior, but when they behavior, but when refuse, it’s time to believe them, accept they refuse, it’s time it, and decide what we want to do, to believe them, given that reality. Continuing to accept it, and decide expect their transformation lengthens what we want to do our suffering when they’ve made it given that reality. clear they aren’t willing.

Disengagement Acceptance leads us to look for protection strategies from partners’ or ex-partners’ behavior. Controllers are great at causing drama to get reactions from us. Sometimes we repeat the same responses, somehow expecting different outcomes. It helps to think of their behavior as patterns or games they present to keep you off balance. When we react, we continue to be wedded to abusers, even when we’re no longer with them. Detaching is a particularly tough challenge when we have to coparent with someone whose goal continues to be control, not the best interests of children. 275

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Adyson knows that whenever the children return, Morgan will accuse her of something untrue, the latest being that she tells them to disobey during visitation. When she denies it, Morgan escalates the verbal attacks. Adyson ends these exchanges in tears, feeling just as powerless as she did during the marriage. She read a book that taught her how not to engage when Morgan accused her. Instead, she began acknowledging that she heard, giving corrective information in a neutrally friendly tone, and then ending the conversation rather than allowing Morgan to drag it out. Eventually, Adyson arranged for all communication to be via email, which made it less emotional for her. She then could take time to think about whether and how to respond and sometimes asked a friend to check the emails before she sent them. Adyson learned the uselessness of trying to reason with irrational behavior and mind games, so protected her energy by not engaging with it. She used Bill Eddy’s simple format of brevity, information giving, friendly (not hostile), and firmness (BIFF).[CLXXIV] His book and website encourage practices that refrain from engaging with their distorted views, yet remain firm with limits and expectations. This assertive approach frees us from repeating the same old battles that drain our energy. It takes practice, but we feel more It takes practice, but in control of ourselves when we refuse we feel more in to go on their emotional roller coaster. control of ourselves Like Adyson, you may find it helpful to use a friend or therapist at first to when we refuse to go review responses. Abusers fight in on their emotional explosive ways, and it’s tempting to roller coaster. respond in the same manner. However, we lose our power when we give in to this because they usually will go to any lengths and we will not, a healthy thing on our part. Instead, reinforce these healthier instincts and learn strategies to disengage from the conflict. Bill Eddy’s book Splitting[CLXXV] also provides useful information for disengaging. He uses the terms “blamers” and “targets,” and says, “Persuasive blamers focus the blame for their problems on one specific person, a target of blame (or just ‘target’).” Targets are usually us, though we may see the pattern also with others they don’t like. Often, we buy into their targeting of family or former significant others until suddenly they switch to us. Blamers view the world through a distorted lens, then accuse and make unreasonable demands. That’s 276

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why we become confused when we dispute them. Even disagreeing with them gives their distortions more weight in their minds. We get nowhere trying to discuss with someone who fights irrationally.

Mental Health or Addictions Therapy We may know that we have preparatory work to do before we make any decisions. Rushing it would set us up for failure. Frequently the issues we have result from the injuries we covered in chapter twelve. Even when depression, anxiety, PTSD, or any other illness result from coercive control injuries, we still need to gain coping strategies. It often takes time to heal. Pre-existing mental health disorders complicate moving forward as Justine illustrates. Justine had been in an abusive relationship for over ten years and had become isolated. She sought therapy to navigate her husband’s pressure on her. When group therapy was offered as a way to gain skills, Justine became very anxious. She disclosed that she also suffered from social anxiety. Her therapist decided that continued individual therapy was appropriate. Treating the social anxiety was necessary before she could progress to her goal of leaving the relationship. Making mental health work a priority enhances our ability to achieve what we want. We may have to overcome stigma we’ve attached to this. Seeking help is a strength, not a weakness. Alcohol/drug addiction or abuse, gambling addictions, and eating disorders represent coping strategies that become self-destructive. While they initially help to soothe or distract from pain, any avoidance behavior will also interfere with being able to move forward. Numbness or hangovers do not promote having the energy for change. Minimizing the problem also will not. We may need to ask ourselves if we can alter addictive behavior while staying or whether ongoing abuse interferes too much. There is no one right answer. Finding a therapist may be especially important in sorting this out. One thing is for certain: the abuse is one problem and your way of coping with it is another. Don’t confuse the two. We’re responsible for changing ourselves, but not for what partners choose to do. Thinking if you didn’t have a problem, he wouldn’t be abusive ignores their responsibility. Sometimes the opposite is true, since some addictions 277

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develop to cope with abuse. Those who control may even encourage our use of these strategies since they keep us under their thumbs. Reflection on Fertilizing •

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If you need greater safety and protection, complete a safety plan or update yours. It is often helpful to seek assistance, since IPV advocates are knowledgeable about options. It is hard to be objective and think clearly because it is emotional for us. Have you fully accepted your partner as they are, the good and the bad? Reflect on what if anything keeps you hopeful. Notice whether your partner or ex-partner frequently creates drama that you get drawn into. Read one of the recommended books on disengaging to find some strategies that help you keep your balance when this happens. (see Resources at the end of this section) If there are mental health or AODA issues that interfere with making progress, think about asking for referrals that will take into consideration IPV and how that affects you.

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CHAPTER 40 TRANSPLANTING Contemplating Next Steps What does transplanting ourselves look like? It is anything that gives us room to grow. We decide what that is by paying attention to our intuition and checking in with ourselves about our needs and desires. It is important to filter the knowledge from this book through our own circumstances and values. There are no answers that apply to everyone. The Reflection opportunity below provides an exercise that may help. An example of using it comes afterward. Reflection on Contemplation • •

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• • • •

Give yourself time without interruptions. Clear your mind of judgments you or others have; this permits you to visualize what is right for your life. Take time to ground yourself. Consider walking, meditation, yoga, prayer, music, or another activity you find calming. You may find it helpful to focus on a person, animal, place, or experience you appreciate fully. Feeling this in the body helps us think more clearly. List the steps you’ve taken in the past that felt risky or awkward, even if you have to discard it later out of safety concerns. Use the list under The Sun of Recognition in Chapter 39 if you’re having trouble with this. How is your outlook on these actions different today? Give yourself credit for the courage they took. Come back to grounding again if upsetting memories appear. Next, place your hands over your heart and ask yourself questions like “What is the next thing for me to do?” or “What do I need now?” Listen for what comes to you. It may take some time. Prioritize if you receive more than one answer. Be patient and repeat if nothing comes immediately. Make a commitment to take one step at a time. That’s how change happens. Be reasonable in terms of what you can do now. Plans can and do evolve. 279

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The first time Jasmine did the Reflection exercise, she couldn’t still her mind and didn’t get an answer. With encouragement, she repeated the exercise later. The second time, her heart told her she needed more support. Jasmine took this seriously and sought that out. She continued to practice this exercise and made step-by-step changes that eventually created the life she wanted.

Room to Grow “When going through life and traveling in the direction of your dreams, the best way to get ahead is the simplest way: Take it one step at a time. Don’t look over your shoulder; if you do, you’ll feel the weight of all your yesterdays upon you. And don’t worry about what lies ahead. By the time you get to the bend in the road or the crest of the hill, you’re going to be better and stronger than you ever were before. Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you’ll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.” —A. Rogers, Dreams Come True One Step at a Time Break down any answers you receive into small steps, just as this poem suggests. We often get overwhelmed when we focus only on the big picture, such as leaving a partner or working on our self-esteem. Making it bite size makes it doable. Having small goals also gives us a sense of progress as we complete them, and it reinforces having reasonable expectations, because no change happens overnight. If you, like Jasmine, did not come up with an answer when you asked your question, keep using the technique as a tool to connect with yourself. Sometimes impatience is an issue. Ask yourself if your question was jumping too far ahead. Look back to chapter 40 regarding the growth fertilizers. If you have more work to do on those, that’s exactly where you need to focus, just as Jasmine did. When your answers point you in a new direction, you do not have to know completely how you’re going to accomplish it before starting. Planning is helpful, but there is only so far it can carry you. Each decision or event takes you to the next one. You cannot map everything out ahead of time. The process develops gradually, one step at a time, as the poem above shows. This makes it more difficult 280

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to begin but also better in the long run. Since none of us can predict the future, don’t confine yourself to a rigid agenda. Just as each plant has its own growth cycle and needs, we are also different. I hope it’s been clear that I don’t push leaving or staying. Growth for some is committing to work jointly on the relationship. Some decide it’s best to stay, even though their partners don’t acknowledge their problems. Others need to leave for their safety and mental health. This book is all about empowering you to do what is best for YOU. Although occasionally we wish someone else could decide for us, we know that won’t work. The rest of this chapter focuses on issues that arise with the three common ways we transplant ourselves.

Revitalizing the Relationship Working with our partners to make changes is one way to transplant. If we remain with them because they are altering their behavior, we can expect gradual change. There will be ups and downs, but behavior should go steadily toward mutuality and respect. Promises made without follow-through are red flags. When partners engage in abuse treatment, talk with their therapists about their behavior if possible. If their providers haven’t already talked with you, contact them yourself unless you have a reason not to. You can gain two things from this: giving them accurate data about your partner’s behavior and receiving information about their progress in therapy. The first you can do without partners’ permission. The second would need partners’ signed release of information, something that programs often require. Review Chapter Nine for more information about this form of therapy. When partners are in regular mental health treatment, they may not be getting what they need to address coercive control. You are the best judge of this. When they are “trying” to change on their own, this usually results in our becoming frustrated. The beliefs and behaviors supporting coercive control take dedicated work to alter. Declared intentions exist only as camouflage when not accompanied by actual behavior change. The chart below contains common signs of change and no change. As you can see, the willingness to be accountable should accompany slips backward. Change never happens as easily as “turning over a new leaf.” It’s not that simple. We go forward and then back to old habits, then learn from our mistakes to propel us further ahead. 281

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Use the chart to evaluate how they are doing. It could also be used as a conversation starter with partners about signs of progress and areas to improve. When we see concrete evidence that loved ones are motivated to behave non-abusively, we begin to relax. Healing the relationship begins, but it takes much time and work. Trust builds slowly as we see them change their behavior. What is required of us is a willingness to give them time. If you notice that resentments from the past cloud your ability to see progress they are making, you may have to reevaluate whether these changes occurred too late to save the relationship. Honestly look SIGNS OF CHANGE Stops

controlling

behavior

SIGNS OF NO CHANGE: and

acknowledges any time they slip back.

Continues or falls back into controlling patterns

without

acknowledging

and

correcting. Listens to and values your feelings and

Accuses you of being controlling when you

opinions even when they disagree.

express a need or hold them accountable.

Understands that trust returns as new

Tells you you need to “get over it” when

behavior occurs and does not blame you

you express hurt, doubts, or something

when you have doubts or fears.

triggers you; accuses you of being unable to forgive.

Apologizes for the past and acknowledges

Doesn’t acknowledge past control and

behavior to family and friends.

keeps treatment a secret from close family or friends.

Makes decisions cooperatively with you.

Makes decisions that should be joint and tells you how it will be.

Acknowledges mistakes without being

Blames you for their mistakes or abusive

defensive or blaming you.

actions.

Respects your right to spend time with

Has a double standard regarding rights and

friends or family and to make choices.

behavior; claims rights but calls you selfish.

Uses techniques learned in treatment or

Misuses assertive techniques they learn to

therapy and shares that information with

facilitate sneakier control and claims you’re

you.

just as abusive.

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at whether you can live with this person. When partners are in treatment is often the safest time to leave. They have people to support them emotionally and also hold them accountable for how they respond. Occasionally, we become confused by listening to support group members or others who have left and assume that is what we should do. We know best whether there is evidence that change is happening or if it’s safe to stay. What is best for one person is not necessarily appropriate for another. However, it’s helpful to hear about others’ decisions, since they may open our eyes to possibilities we hadn’t thought about. Speaking to trusted individuals who are both objective and supportive helps us sort our thoughts. If partners’ behavior lies predominantly on the non-change side, this reality dashes our hopes. However, we at least know we did all we reasonably could. Sometimes we want to hang onto hope even when the evidence for it isn’t there. We may stay because of an ideal we hold that ignores important facts, such as Beth’s example. As a child, Beth’s divorced parents expected her to choose between them. She swore she would never put her children in that position. Beth’s partner displayed frequent mood swings and verbal abuse. She tried to protect the kids, but he considered this interference and it often led to violent quarrels. When she saw them beginning to display anxiety symptoms, Beth realized that living with hostility also wasn’t good. Separating would provide at least one safe, nurturing home, so she began working on confidence and a plan for leaving. If two non-abusive parents aren’t the reality, accept that and decide your best course of action. When we conclude that our partners do not want to give up power and control, we hurt. We go through a multitude of emotions all over again and require the space to grieve. If you think insecurities block acceptance and pursuing what’s best for you, refer to the last chapter on mental health and seek help.

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Enriching Our Soil Some of us decide we want to stay, even when partners do not acknowledge their abusive behavior. When we freely choose this as our best option, it deserves as much respect as leaving. Eileen began her forty-year marriage with low self-confidence and assumed for years she deserved the disrespect and verbal abuse. She sought help from a therapist who taught her how to respond assertively to her husband’s obsessive need to be in control. She began feeling stronger and more confident when she set limits and disengaged from arguing but pursued her goals. With her new self-assurance, Eileen decided she had more to lose by leaving. She stayed and set limits. Eileen judged herself at first for continuing the relationship. She thought of herself as weak. This is not the truth for many survivors. Sometimes we decide the history and advantages of remaining with partners outweigh the flaws they have. This example portrays the type of partner one can make changes with safely. While acknowledging this choice’s legitimacy, do not second guess your decisions to leave. Our realities, needs, and values vary. Cases with dangerous physical and emotional abuse make this decision untenable. View others’ choices as compost that encourages our thinking about what’s right for us. While all forms of coercive control derive from power over beliefs, there is not one solution. We experience a range of entitlement and abuse. There will always be a variety of responses as well.

Repotting “It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a lifestage, a relationship, is over—and let it go. . . It involves a sense of the future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, rather than out.” —Ellen Goodman[CLXXVII] Transplanting for some involves ending the relationship. The statistic that leaving is the most dangerous time should not prevent us from doing so. Often, staying is just as dangerous. They use physical and emotional violence or threats of it to keep us rooted right where they 284

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want us. We are not statistics. We can plan carefully with safety in mind. Domestic abuse advocates and therapists offer valuable support in preparing safety plans and gathering documentation in case you need a restraining order. When someone is endangering your welfare, that person does not deserve your protection. Be willing to call the police. By choosing their behavior, they are also choosing their consequences. Close your ears to their pleas or guilt trips and recognize them as manipulation. If we belong to a minority group, societal prejudice and injustice confuse the issue. Abusers use histories of systemic discrimination to keep us from contacting the police or other professionals. They know we care and may manipulate our love to their benefit, as illustrated in this poem from Chain, Chain, Change. [CLXXVIII] Brother I don’t want to hear about how my real enemy is the system. I’m no genius, but I do know that system you hit me with is called a fist See blaming their behavior on society as another way of escaping accountability, no different from all the other ways controllers manipulate. There are often other blocks that slow leaving. Some are: • • • • • •

See blaming their behavior on society as another way of escaping accountability, no different from all the other ways controllers manipulate.

Lack of money and other resources No green card, so can’t work or fear deportation Concerns about abusive treatment of children during visitation Need to complete education that will enable a secure job Dependence upon the abuser for caregiving Isolation from family or friends who can help

These and other circumstances necessitate that our first steps be finding helpful resources. National organizations are a good place to start if you’re not familiar with local ones. Those in the United States can be found in the Resources section after Part I. They can put you in touch with what is available in your community from intimate partner violence advocates or therapists. These resources become another voice corroborating the abuse we’ve endured and the effects it has on us and children if we have any. 285

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Ending relationships with controllers can be exhausting. They use the same kinds of tactics during divorce that they do in living with us. The process sometimes seems endless and also may not stop when the divorce is final. This doesn’t mean we should give up. Keep in mind the advantages of not living with this person as you’re dealing with the headaches of leaving. Attorneys knowledgeable about coercive tactics and how to respond to them provide services that are most beneficial. They know how to hold the line as well as they can rather than allowing partners to manipulate the system. They often offer a free consultation before taking the case, so interview them with this in mind. Our family court systems are often not set up in ways that handle coercive control well. When lawyers are successful in obtaining divorce decrees that protect you and the children as much as possible, this saves heartache down the road. Reflection on Relationship Choices •

•

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If you are not sure what you want to do, try this exercise. Draw a line down the center of a piece of paper. On the left side, make a list of the positives in your relationship that contribute to your love and partnership; on the right, make a list of the negatives that break it down. Now, give a weight to each according to how much it affects you, assigning a number from 1 to 5, with 5 having the greatest effect. Add the numbers and compare the two sides. Was it hard to come up with positives? Are there negatives that are deal-breakers? If a visual representation is more helpful to you, take a blank page and put a plus (+) sign for every positive aspect of your relationship, making its size represent how much it affects you. Now, put minus (-) signs for each negative aspect, making their size according to their effects. What do you notice about this page?

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

CHAPTER 41 GRIEVING We grieve no matter whether we stay or leave. Though many identify with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grieving, normal grief doesn’t adhere to any rigid format.[CLXXIX] We may not go through all the stages, we may move back and forth among them, or we may have stages she didn’t identify. Let’s look at some ways we may show these grief stages. • • • • •

Denial (telling ourselves we’re over-reacting) Bargaining (thinking we just need to try harder) Sadness or depression (experiencing loss, fearing we’ll never get over it) Anger (feeling the bottled-up rage that wasn’t safe to express before) Acceptance (being at peace with our decisions, even if we regret it was necessary)

All represent healthy aspects of grieving. We may feel one stage for a while, or we may feel all of them during one day. Be patient and just be present to what you feel each moment. The grieving process is a necessary aspect of healing from any loss.

Be patient and just be present to what you feel each moment. The grieving process is a necessary aspect of healing from any loss.

Grieving When Partners Acknowledge Abuse We grieve even when partners make significant commitments to change. The effects of abuse need recognition and time to heal. Grieving also includes sadness about the parts of yourself that you feel you lost. Losses may include: 287

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• • • • • •

The happy-go-lucky part of ourselves An ability to trust ourselves Important life goals, values, or interests Children School or pursuing a career Relationships with family members and friends

We grieve even as we’re doing what we can to regain these. Partners’ acknowledgement of their harmful behavior and commitment to change gradually rebuild our trust in them. Openness to hearing about our feelings and empathy for how they’ve affected us show they are making progress. If they regress, admitting that and apologizing proves their commitment. They won’t suddenly be perfect, but they can hold themselves accountable for their behavior. Anything less represents a red flag. Chapter 41 contains a chart that helps us recognize whether they are serious about change. Many people are afraid to allow themselves to grieve because they think they will become stuck. Family or cultural messages such as “get over it,” and “don’t cry over the past” may fuel this fear. Avoidance of powerful emotions often lies at the heart of these reprimands. What they mean is, “We’re uncomfortable and don’t know what to say.” Even when partners work on changing, sometimes we discover the hurt has been too deep for the relationship to continue. We may have felt initial relief at their willingness to be accountable. However, sometimes the increased safety allows us to know we cannot trust and love them the way we want. Rather than feel guilty for leaving, remember that your partner is responsible for the long-term effects of their behavior and losing you could be one of them. It’s healthier to say “I’m done” if it’s over.

Grieving When Ending the Relationship Grief may surprise us, given the harm we’ve experienced. Friends, family members, and those who work with survivors sometimes are astonished as well. Grieving is a natural response to loss. If we don’t allow for it, we stifle our healing process and the ability to move on to creating the new life we want. This could lead to problems in new relationships. We may ask, “Why do I still love them?” We often do, even after we know that ending the relationship is the best choice for us. Our memories may include pleasant ones, even if those have been hidden 288

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by abuse over time. At the very least, relationships begin with dreams and expectations, and we mourn their loss. Our grief may feel bottomless. Neither love nor grief disappears overnight. When you feel sad over ending the relationship, do not see this as evidence that you are making the wrong decision. We may experience sadness about failure to achieve goals and dreams, single parenting our children, missing the good parts of the relationship, and lack of sexual intimacy, to name a few things. At times, we grieve about what will happen to ex-partners now that they don’t have us. Our sadness does not mean it’s a mistake. It means we grieve. On the other hand, some of us do most of our grieving while still with the controller. In that case, we may wonder if something is wrong because we are more relieved than sad. However, even then, don’t be surprised if you still feel occasional grief or anger. Be present to what you’re experiencing and don’t judge yourself for what you do or do not feel. We may feel concerned that we have so much anger and mistrust that we will never want to be in another relationship. While it’s a good thing not to be concerned about finding another partner for a while, don’t mistake the normal anger of grieving as something that will continue forever. If you are allowing yourself to feel what you feel and express it in constructive ways, you will find that it fades with time. It may help to know that prolonged grief is rare. For those who think they are having difficulty, it is helpful to ask, “What am I not accepting?” or “What have I not grieved?” The irony is that letting go requires first being present to your feelings. Although we may always have a sadness about some losses, time usually eases the discomfort and ensures it does not continue forever.

Grieving When Coercion Continues After Separation I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge that some who read this book have ex-partners who never give up coercing them. They may stalk, lie, or do many other behaviors from the Coercive Control Checklist. They often are clever in how they do it to limit the legal consequences. Unfortunately, many survivors experience continued abuse through the children. They become a pawn used to manipulate and control. Abusers may fight for custody or interfere with visitation agreements. They sometimes lie to the children about us and work to turn them against us. They may undermine our parenting by belittling 289

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it or telling children they do not have to obey us. The Coercive Control Checklist in Chapter Four acknowledged that parental alienation tactics are some of the most painful we can experience. Ex-partners often tell us when we leave that we will regret it, that they will make us pay. They then take revenge on us in any way they can. Relentless abuse adds to and prolongs our grieving. Some of us even doubt our decisions to separate. The harm former partners do causes us to question whether we or our children would have been better off staying. This is precisely what they design their behavior to do. The answer is definitely not to go back to them. Find helpers who can support you through this. The advice below is difficult but supports you in maintaining your equilibrium. •

• • • • •

Predict they will never give up their coercive behaviors and accept this. Remember, that does not mean we want it or think it is right, just that it is. It is a hard truth to swallow, but the sooner you face it, the better you can proceed. Live in the moment instead of trying to anticipate what they will do next. There is no way to be successful at preventing whatever that is, but we tend to go there mentally. Document when something happens and move on. Keep your plans as well as you can. See Resources for suggested reading on high conflict, narcissistic, and pathological behaviors and how to handle them. Use the information regarding disengagement in Chapter 40 to empower yourself in dealing with their relentless behavior. Work on refusing to allow them to be uppermost in your thoughts. Believing in their power gives them superpowers in our minds.

Most importantly, protect against their behavior taking up all the space in your life. It is difficult, but vital, to maintain your focus on creating what you want for yourself. Keep up your self-care and plan social and fun events. Many abusers will do all they can get away with to maintain control. Do not allow them to be successful in taking away your hope and determination. Yes, what they do is disruptive. That is why they do it, but we can refuse to allow it to distract us.

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Reflection on Grieving • •

• •

•

If you’re with a partner who is agreeing to change, journal about the signs showing they are or are not serious about this. If you’re grieving the loss of a relationship, give yourself time and space for that. Journal and seek time with those who can listen and accept that you need to grieve. Reflect on what stage of grief you find yourself in right now or whether you vacillate between stages. It is normal to do that. If you left and find yourself denying or bargaining, make a list of the reasons for your decision. Or, talk to a trusted person who can remind you why you left. Don’t sink into self-blame; label it as part of grieving. It is extremely difficult to recover from abuse when it does not stop even after leaving. Find as much social, therapeutic, and legal support as you can. Read books. Know that your response is normal for what you are receiving, and that finding supportive resources is the best option.

Forgiveness “But forgiving before you’ve faced why forgiveness is needed is like sewing up a wound and leaving the bullet inside. Forgiveness can’t happen until we have gone back to the dark place and experienced the feelings that have been unacknowledged. . .” —Jane Fonda, My Life So Far “You’re not forgiving your transgressor for his or her sake; you’re doing it for yourself. Forgiveness is simply the most energy efficient option you face, and the only one that will foster health and well-being.” —Doc Childre and Howard Martin, The HeartMath Solution 291

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Forgiveness may be part of our grieving processes. However, no one should tell us we have to forgive. This is something we do for ourselves when it is appropriate. Be careful not to jump into forgiveness before fully allowing all the emotions that come up during the grieving process, including sadness and anger. And don’t think you should do it because someone is pressuring you to do so or telling you God says to. When we’ve reached the acceptance stage, forgiveness becomes possible. However, we often misunderstand this process, so I want to clarify what it is. Forgiveness is more for us than it is for the other person. When we forgive, we accept what happened. Acceptance in this context refers to accepting the reality of the past and that we can’t change the other person. We let go of focusing on it and trying to get others to acknowledge what they did. It doesn’t mean we are okay with what happened. We still hold them accountable, but hurt and anger do not consume our energy. Forgiving doesn’t mean we choose to be around this person or that we don’t set limits with them. Loosening the grip of anger and hurt frees us for living in the present and creating the lives we want. I like what Clarissa Pinkola Estes[CLXXX] says about forgiveness: that it’s a process of refusal to dwell on what happened. Our forgiveness may grow from 25% to 50% to 75%; some things may never reach 100%. That’s okay. Forgiveness is inappropriate when Forgiveness is the controlling behavior has not inappropriate when stopped. The answer to “why can’t you the controlling behavior has not let it go?” is “because it is still stopped. The answer happening.” In that case, what to “why can’t you let controllers really want is for us to it go?” is “because it accept their inappropriate behavior. is still happening.” In They aren’t admitting their that case, what responsibility and don’t want to controllers really change. When this is the case, we also want is for us to grieve this reality. We can’t accept their understand why someone would give inappropriate up so much to keep power and behavior. control. That represents health on our parts. If partners act like you should be over it already without permitting grieving, this is not a good sign. Demanding to be forgiven 292

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is just another aspect of control and means they are still in denial. Forgiveness is a process and can’t be commanded by the person who wants it. They have to face their behavior and its painful effects on us, instead of looking to us to absolve them. When they’re able to do this, we feel fully heard and safe to be ourselves. Forgiveness flows naturally from that.

Self-forgiveness Often when we grieve, we also need to forgive ourselves. Selfforgiveness has its place, but not because of any fault of ours. We often blame ourselves inappropriately for being in abusive relationships. It’s important to stop taking responsibility for what we can’t change in the past. Determining what we are responsible for and what we are not enables us to feel stronger and freer. Here is an illustration of that: Sara told her therapist she couldn’t believe she had allowed herself to be abused. Support group helped her understand that her partner was responsible for the abuse, that she didn’t allow it. Sara learned not to give up herself to gain love and worked on her self-esteem and self-care. She learned not to judge herself for the past and focused instead on her growth. As group ended, she felt stronger. When we feel the need to forgive ourselves, our work often lies in learning to accept that we didn’t deserve it. No matter what we did. Perfection should not be a requirement for being treated with respect. When I ask those who say they allowed abuse whether they gave permission, they say no, and also respond with a “but . . .” Here are some “buts” that have us thinking we allowed it. •

“I should have known better.”

Sometimes we ask ourselves why we were in denial for so long about what was happening. Usually, this term refers to how long it took us to say or do something. We know only what we know in the moment. Giving the benefit of the doubt in relationships is healthy, so we may miss the initial clues to controlling behavior. We aren’t expecting loved ones to hurt us. If we learned in the past to accept disrespect as the price of being loved, we can work on that, but we’re all a work in progress. We shouldn’t judge ourselves then by what we know now. 293

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•

“I gave up myself.”

Abusers punish any trace of self we express, so we need to ask ourselves whether giving up was really a choice. Abusive partners are attracted to people who have learned to focus on others’ needs over their own, so if this has been a lifelong issue for us, we can work on changing it. •

“I didn’t say no.”

First, many often admit this isn’t true, that they said it in many ways. In situations where we didn’t, such as when forced to have sex, fear about what we know will happen makes this a self-protective strategy. It is natural to respond defensively, to avoid harm by submitting and giving in. This is taking care of ourselves in the best way we can, not allowing abuse. I think of this as damage control until we can figure out another option. •

“I wasn’t perfect either.”

Nothing we do deserves abuse or causes others to respond aggressively. Acknowledging something we want to change does not carry with it responsibility for how partners choose to harm us. The strength of taking responsibility for our mistakes often differentiates victims from abusers when both partners are alleging abuse. Remind yourself of these three Remind yourself of truths: We can’t know what we don’t these three truths: know. We were afraid for legitimate We can’t know what reasons. When we don’t know about we don’t know. We options, they don’t exist for us. were afraid for When we identify what we’ve legitimate reasons. learned from the relationship, we heal When we don’t know and move on. We can use what about options, they happened to achieve the postdon’t exist for us. traumatic growth we’ve spoken of before. You may have found issues in the “What Can I Change?” chapters that you want to work on. The next chapter will also identify subjects that may affect your next steps.

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Reflection on Forgiving •

• • •

•

If you’re out of the relationship, allow yourself time to grieve. That might mean setting aside some time alone and journaling. Talking about it with a friend, therapist, or support group also can be helpful. Journal about your experience with the stages of grief. Be patient with yourself and don’t judge how long it’s taking. If you are in an abusive relationship now, you can use this information on grieving and forgiving in the future. Are you someone who needs to forgive yourself? Examine whether you’re taking on unreasonable blame. If there is something you regret, name it and take steps to change that. Remind yourself that nothing justifies abuse. If some years have passed and you think you’re stuck in anger and haven’t reached acceptance, seek a counselor or spiritual adviser who understands coercive control.

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CHAPTER 42 NURTURING GROWTH “I have accepted fear as part of life—specifically the fear of change… I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back.” —Erica Jong “Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.” —Chinese Proverb

One Leaf at a Time The fear we are not enough may hamper us. Each step along the way in writing this book, I faced self-doubt. Fear popped up when composing the book proposal, pitching it at a writing conference, looking for a publisher, editing, . . . finishing this last chapter. I am certain that sending the manuscript will also feel daunting because it means it is really happening. Many call this feeling “resistance.” The more real something becomes, the more our monkey minds get stirred up. This means our particular vulnerabilities and insecurities pop into the forefront. They tell us we can’t do what we are setting out for. When we just accept that our insecurity will be tweaked, even expect it, we aren’t thrown so much. Its influence diminishes as we keep going. Positive self-talk and supportive people in our lives keep us going, and our successes spur a growth in confidence. It’s okay to be wobbly The changes we make all feel and fall down; we awkward in the beginning. Do not just have to get back make the mistake of thinking it means up and keep going. they aren’t meant for you. I smiled That’s part of the recently as I watched my young process of life grandson learn how to walk. He and growth. wobbled and fell down, got up and fell 296

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down again, got up and took a couple of steps and fell down, and so forth. Toddlers don’t give up and neither should we. It’s okay to be wobbly and fall down; we just have to get back up and keep going. That’s part of the process of life and growth. As Brene Brown says in her podcast Unlocking Us[CLXXXI]: “Be awkward, brave, and kind.” Yes, that’s what we’re all called to be to regain control over our lives. During the journey we take to rid During the journey our lives of coercive control, we we take to rid our discover who we are anew. We learn to love and respect ourselves better. lives of coercive We discover that we can be vulnerable control, we discover without being defenseless. We can who we are anew. accept without being voiceless. We We learn to love and can stand up for ourselves without being aggressive or passive. We can be respect ourselves fierce and independent as well as better. caring and interdependent. We can take back control over our lives. Following our dreams feels like stepping off a cliff, requiring faith on our part. Hope for something better feeds the faith and courage to leap. Supporters sustain our hope. Once we make progress toward our goals, we often discover though the road is difficult, it’s not the awful disaster we pictured in our minds either. Looking back, we may point to the moment, person, or book that led to our growing awareness. With every step we take, our confidence and hope grow. Wherever you are in confronting a present or past controlling relationship, take courage in knowing that the journey is worth it. Many have traveled this road before you and found the answers they seek, though not always the ones they wanted. Nurture the seeds within you—and patiently, relentlessly, pursue what is right for you. Our inner journeying can result in a bountiful harvest of well-being that we can barely envision when we begin.

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Love after Love The time will come when, with elation, you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other’s welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine, Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life. —Derek Walcott Reflection on Moving Forward • • • • • •

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Name the people and agencies you can count on to support whatever path you take. When you are exhausted, what is most important in replenishing your energy? Decide on a mantra or quote that helps when self-doubt creeps in. If nothing comes to mind, search inspirational books or online quotes. During times of sadness or grieving, what comforts you? Think about the best way to take care of yourself when you are reminded of a traumatic incident. Join a blog, podcast, or group that supports you in your next steps. My blog is www.jennifercparkermssw.com. My Facebook page is Jennifer C. Parker, MSSW. I would love to hear from you.

Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

RESOURCES Books •

• • • • • • •

• • • •

5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High Conflict Personalities, Bill Eddy. Bill Eddy gives information for dealing with high conflict personalities, a trait that characterizes most abusers. While his books aren’t specifically about intimate partner abuse, they provide helpful suggestions for handling their behavior. When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron. (Boston, MA: Shambhala Publications, Inc., 1997) Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, Brene Brown (London: Vermilion, 2017) Breaking Free, Starting Over: Parenting in the Aftermath of Family Violence, Christina M. Dalpiaz (Westport, CN: Greenwood Publishing Group, Inc., 2004) Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing if Your Relations hip Can—and Should—Be Saved, Lundy Bancroft & Jac Patrissi (New York: The Berkley Publishing Group, 2011) When the Heart Waits: Spiritual Direction for life’s Sacred Questions, Sue Monk Kidd (New York: Harper One, 1990) The Seven Whispers: A Spiritual Practice for Times Like These, Christina Baldwin (Novato, CA: New World Library, 2002) Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward, James O. Prochaska, John C. Norcross, & Carlo C. Diclemente (New York: HarperCollins, 2006) Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Bill Eddy (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2011) Taking the High Road: How to Cope with Your Ex-husband, Maintain Your Sanity, and Raise Your Child in Peace by Nailah Shami, (New York: Penguin Group, 2000) The Journey: A Roadmap for Self-healing After Narcissistic Abuse by Meredith Miller (USA: Meredith Miller, 2017) Hope in the Dark: Untold Histories, Wild Possibilities by Rebecca Solnit (Chicago, IL: Haymarket Books, 2016) Facebook and Blogs

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APPENDICES Safety Planning I encourage using an advocate to help in safety planning. The next best thing is using one of the websites included in Resources after Chapter Two. I intend the questions below to begin your thoughts about it. • • •

• • •

•

Who could you talk to when you doubt or blame yourself? Who will remind you that you do not cause abuse and are not to blame? If no one comes to mind, consider talking to an advocate at a local agency. If this is not possible, talk to your physician. Doctors’ visits may be one of the few times for privacy. Best medical practice is routinely to inquire about safety. If they do, this is a clue that they can provide information and referrals. Could you leave safely for a short “time out” when you’re being harassed? If so, where would you go? What room or part of a room offers you the best chance to escape when your partner escalates? Have you protected your email and social media accounts? This is very significant because often controllers track your activities through these. If your email isn’t private, where could you go to set up a free email account and access it? Public libraries or friends’ computers are possibilities. If you’re living with a controller, what are some ways you can prepare to leave quickly if you need to? Think about having a bag packed and kept at a friend’s house, the trunk of your car, or another safe place. If belongings are closely tracked, try purchasing inexpensive ones at a thrift store secretly. Have spare keys made and hidden. If you’re planning on separating, what legal and financial documents do you want to obtain? Remember birth certificates, marriage certificates, bank statements, and other financial documents. Collect them, make copies, and hide—such as giving them to a friend or relative, storing them at work, or putting them in a safe deposit box. Where would you go for safety if you require leaving your home for an indefinite time?

•

Keep emergency numbers handy, though disguised as others’ contact information. Talk to someone ahead of time about possibly needing a place to stay.

If you’ve separated from an intimate partner, what safety measures have you taken? • • • • • •

Have you changed locks? Have you implemented new passwords and/or set up a separate phone service? Would it be good to ask neighbors or school authorities to report suspicious activities? If there are older children, have you told them who to call in a crisis? Who is trustworthy at your workplace to figure out ways to protect yourself if the controller comes there? If you are elderly and abused by a family member, who can you talk to about this? If there is no one, consider local programs for the elderly or your doctor.

Power and Control Wheels The Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Program developed the Power and Control wheel in 1984. They interviewed women to learn the most common abusive behaviors or tactics they experienced and developed the first wheel with their help. They also developed the Equality Wheel to show what non-violent relationships look like. Their wheels have been translated into many languages and are available for free downloads or as posters. The link to their wheels: https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/ Since then, Power and Control Wheels have been developed for other populations and even organizations, such as health care. The links to several are below. Power and Control Wheel for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Trans Relationships: https://www.loveisrespect.org/lir-files/LGBT-Power-and-ControlWheel.pdf

Power and Control with People with Disabilities and their Caregivers: http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DisabledCaregiverPCwheel.pdf Family Violence in Later Life http://www.ncdsv.org/images/WCADV_Family-Violence-in-LaterLife-Wheel.pdf Bullying Power and Control Wheel: http://www.ncdsv.org/images/BullyWheel_ncsdv_logo.pdf Police Power and Control Wheel: http://www.abuseofpower.info/Tool_Wheel.htm Medical Power and Control Wheel: https://endingviolence.org/wpcontent/uploads/2014/02/MedicalPCwheel.pdf Spiritual and Religious Abuse Wheel: https://a82d07d9-81fc-4a06-aee8464d0da71159.filesusr.com/ugd/991f52_aaaf3517163a4559be3a84701 7768f41.pdf

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder Symptoms16 A person with Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) has experienced the threat of death or serious injury, been seriously injured, or been a witness to threatened or actual death or serious injury. The person’s experience included intense fear, helplessness, or horror. This disorder results from injury, either physical or emotional. Below are the four basic categories of symptoms. Not all are required to meet the diagnosis. It is helpful to know these are symptoms of trauma, even when you don’t meet all the criteria.

16 Adapted by Jennifer Parker, 1995. Based on the Diagnostic and Statistical

Manual (DSM 5), published by the American Psychiatric Association, and “Let’s Talk Facts About PTSD”, A.P.A., 1992.

Intrusive Symptoms • • •

• •

Thoughts, images, and perceptions about the trauma intrude into the person’s consciousness over and over. Children may have repetitive play that expresses aspects of the trauma. There are very vivid nightmares about the trauma that feel like a re-experiencing. Children may have frightening dreams that have generalized to monsters or other threats. The person experiences flashbacks, or sudden vivid memories of the trauma which seem very real, like the trauma is being reexperienced. These may include illusions and hallucinations. Children may reenact the trauma. There are intense emotional outbursts of fear or anger that may appear to have no cause but which are triggered by external cues or internal cues that resemble some aspect of the trauma. There are physical reactions that are triggered by cues resembling the trauma, such as throwing up, stomachaches, and numbness. Avoidance Symptoms

• • • • • • •

The person avoids thoughts, feelings, or conversations that remind them of the trauma. The person avoids activities, places, or people that remind them of the trauma. There is an inability to recall important details about the trauma. There is a loss of interest or lack of participation in activities that were interesting in the past. The person feels detached and different from others, possibly like there is something that separates them. There is an inability to feel feelings or to express them, which leaves the impression of coldness or preoccupation. There is a sense of doom and no expectation of a future in terms of achievement, happiness, or normal life transitions. Hyper-arousal Symptoms

• • • •

The person acts as if the trauma is constantly threatening. There is insomnia, difficulty going to sleep or staying asleep, often related to nightmares that terrify them. There is great irritability or explosive emotional outbursts. It is very difficult to concentrate.

• •

The person is constantly on their guard or hyper-vigilant, surveying situations for possible danger. There is an exaggerated startle response to occurrences that resemble aspects of the trauma, such as a person coming from behind. Associated Symptoms

• • • •

There may be depression because of lack of contact with people and loss of control of their experience. There may be an abuse of alcohol or other drugs to numb the person to their flashbacks, extreme loneliness, panic attacks, or depression. There may be poor impulse control. There may be suicidal ideation and suicide risk.

PTSD can be acute (symptoms are present less than three months), chronic (three months or more), or delayed onset (occur at least six months after the trauma). A related diagnosis is Acute Stress Disorder, which is less than four weeks in duration.

Professionals Professionals build a reservoir of support and resilience that encourages survivors when they provide a listening ear and engage with them where they are. Listening to them is the most crucial thing we do. Accepting where they are and working with them to get where they want to go allows them to build their confidence and heal. This can be harder than we imagine. When we are concerned, we can kick into our professional “fix it” mode, which may mean we do the opposite of acceptance. We must be aware of our judgments. None of us know how we would respond if we had been through something similar. If our family backgrounds include any form of abuse, we may have an advantage regarding understanding coercive control and its effects. However, sometimes the converse is true—that we have blind spots because of our experiences. We may assume that what helped us will also be supportive of others. It is vital to know our biases, experiences, and opinions and make sure we are not putting those ahead of what our clients’ see as in their interests.

Notice what your emotional and cognitive reactions are to reading the Coercive Control Checklist. Consider whether you downplay how difficult emotional abuse is. If so, our society colludes in reaching this conclusion. All victims and research indicate that emotional abuse has the most long-lasting effects, except for lethal violence. Those who work with the identified perpetrators should be mindful that many are adept at charm and sincerity. They often control the narrative in our offices. They confuse and fool many professionals with their distortions or lies. Just as with survivors, it’s often hard for us to see through their tactics. If they hoodwink us, this results in further disempowerment for survivors. Training in working with perpetrators is vital. When working with victims, be careful not to give messages that they can change their partners’ behavior if they alter their own. They find it useful to learn alternative ways of coping and responding. However, they have to fight the illusion that their partners will change if they can only do the right things. Their partners make choices regarding how they treat them. Survivors need your help in learning that nothing they do can change another person. Survivors who hear responses like “What did you do?” experience this as blame. This may be on top of already feeling responsible and ashamed for what happened. When they get angry at those who insinuate they must have caused the abuser’s behavior, that is a good sign. We ask these kinds of things without thinking about it because it is hard to believe people are capable of many of the things we hear. Humans often have trouble believing something contrary to our experience. Orson Scott Card’s character Valentine in The Xenocide said it well: “People really only believe in what they’ve seen before.” In our role as helpers, we should be open to learning what it’s like in their lives. This often gives us respect for how they have survived. It is essential to be aware of our emotional responses when talking to survivors. We may experience complementary emotions when victims express guilt, shame, or responsibility. For instance, when a client acts guilty or ashamed, we unconsciously may blame them. When someone is angry, this often draws a complementary response to defend ourselves, rather than hearing them out. We help people best when we don’t make assumptions and judgments and instead support them in their examinations and

decisions. Asking them why they think or feel the way they do and what evidence they see for their point of view aids them in thinking for themselves. There is room then for us to give our perceptions, if done in freeing, nonjudgmental ways. If they seem stuck in guilt or shame, ask whether they would tell a friend the same things they are telling themselves. This approach gives us additional information that we might miss if we cling to our assumptions. Victims of IPV profit when someone validates that their experience was abuse. They often have confusion regarding what appropriate relationship behavior is and is not. They are often hard on themselves, so are especially sensitive to criticism. Sometimes this means they assume we judge them when we give feedback or suggestions. Awareness of this can help in how we deliver our comments. The support we give survivors to determine how they want to respond empowers them. Professionals doing substance abuse work with survivors should carefully evaluate the context to assist them in achieving sobriety or responsible usage. Some are able to use AOD’s responsibly when they are out of the relationship because they began it to cope with the pain, while others have to abstain because they are addicted. However, abstaining may cause them greater danger if their partners encourage their use as a way to control them or to deflect attention from their own usage. It is very important to do safety planning with survivors or refer them to those who can do that. If you are working with victims or perpetrators of coercive control in other contexts, such as workplaces or schools, any person treating intimate relationship abuse would be an appropriate referral. Specialty therapists are preferable to general mental health providers, just as substance abuse counseling is needed when there is an addiction problem. Suggested books Abused Women and Survivor Therapy: A Practical Guide for the Psychotherapist, Lenore E. A. Walker (Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association, 1994) Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life, Evan Stark (New York: Oxford University Press, 2007)

Domestic Violence Screening and Intervention in Medical and Mental Healthcare Settings, L. Kevin Hamberger & Mary Beth Phelan (New York: Springer Publishing Company, 2004) Parenting by Men Who Batter: New Directions for Assessment and Intervention, Jeffrey L. Edleson & Oliver J. Williams (New York: Oxford University Press, 2007) Spouse Abuse: Assessing & Treating Battered Women, Batterers, & Their Children, Michele Harway & Marsali Hansen (Sarasota, FL: Professional Resource Press, 2004) A Typology of Domestic Violence: Intimate Terrorism, Violent Resistance, and Situational Couple Violence, Michael P. Johnson (Lebanon, NH: Northeastern University Press, 2008)

Concerned Family and Friends If you are worried that a friend or family member is in an abusive relationship, hope is the best thing we can contribute. We provide this by being there for them, listening, and validating their concerns, not by solving it for them. Support them by directing them to resources and options rather than telling them what to do. Resist temptations to fix it or give too many suggestions. Respect their need to process and pace themselves. When they make their own decisions, their self-esteem and self-confidence grows. This is how empowerment happens. When they feel pressure to please us, this is disempowering and the last thing they need. Notice how it feels when you read the Coercive Control Checklist. Evaluate whether you minimize the effects of emotionally controlling behavior. If you do, it is not surprising, since our culture traditionally has done so. As the chapters on injuries indicate, the emotional effects are the most crippling, other than life-threatening violence. You may sometimes wonder whether you are making a difference. Remember that everyone has their own process and we cannot hurry them. Whenever you listen to and validate their worth, you’re boosting their hope and energy.

Suggested books Family and Friends’ Guide to Domestic Violence: How to Listen, Talk and Take Action When Someone You Care About is Being Abused, Elaine Weiss, Ed.D. (Volcano, CA: Volcano Press, 2003) Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women, Susan Brewster (Emeryville, CA: Seal Press, 2006)

Notes A Note From the Author [I] Mark Epstein, Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart: A Buddhist

Perspective on Wholeness, Lessons from Meditation and Psychotherapy (New York: Broadway Books, 1998) p. 118. [II] Statistic from the National Domestic Violence Hotline

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/statistics/ [III] Brene Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True

Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone (New York: Random House, 2017)

Part I Why Read This Book? [IV] Amber Tamblyn, Era of Ignition: Coming of Age in a Time of

Rage and Revolution (New York: Crown Archetype, Crown Publishing Group, 2019) p. 151 [V] Sue Monk Kidd, The Dissident Daughter (New York:

HarperCollins, 1992, 1995) [VI] Anne Simpkinson, “A Self of One’s Own”, Common Boundary

Magazine, March/April 1990, p. 14-20 [VII] Jane Fonda, My Life So Far. (New York: Random House, 2005)

[VIII] Robin Morgan, Demon Love: The Roots of Terrorism. (Found in

Jane Fonda’s book My Life So Far, p. 541) [IX] Eviatar Zerubavel, The Elephant in the Room: Silence and Denial

in Everyday Life (New York: Oxford University Press, 2006) p. 4.

[X] “Adverse Health Conditions and Health Risk Behaviors

Associated with Intimate Partner Violence, Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report”. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. February 2008. Available at http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/PDF/wk/mm5705.pdf. [XI] M. C. Black, K. C. Basile, M. J. Breiding, S. G. Smith, M. L. Walters,

M. T. Merrick, M. R. Stevens. “The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2010 summary report.” Retrieved from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/pdf/NISVS_Report2010a.pdf [XII] “Child Maltreatment 2014”, Administration for Children and

Families, Children’s Bureau, Published January 25, 2016. [XIII] Gary Namie, PhD, Research Director, Assistance from Daniel

1993-99, December 20, 2001, http://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=pbdetail&iid=522 [XV] From “My Man” sung by Ella Fitzgerald, Writers: Bernie Leadon,

Albert Lucien Willemetz, Jacques Mardochee Charles, Maurice Yvain; Copyright: Francis Salabert Ed. S.A. Likely Story Music Co. Lyrics powered by www.musiXmatch.comRead more at http://www.songlyrics.com/ella-fitzgerald/my-man-mon-hommelyrics/#MuLMWocbq98I2A6l.99 [XVI] Use of the elephant as metaphor began with referring to an

obvious problem that people don’t want to address. It dates back to Ivan Andreyevich Krylov in 1814 who wrote “The Inquisitive Man”

in which everything was noticed in a museum but an elephant. It is commonly used in the addiction field because family members are frequently reluctant to discuss an addict’s problem.

Part II Am I Being Abused? [XVII] Henry David Thoreau (Heron Dance: A Work of Love, Issue 52)

[XVIII] Liane Moriarty, Big Little Lies (New York: Berkley, 2014)

[XIX] Robin Morgan, Demon Lover: The Roots of Terrorism (New

York: Washington Square Press, 1989) [XX] Jane Roberts Chapman and Margaret Gates, ed. The Victimization

of Women. (Beverly Hills, CA: Sage Publications, 1978) [XXI] Evan Stark, Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in

Personal Life. (New York: Oxford University Press, 2007) [XXII] Marti Tamm Loring, Emotional Abuse. (San Francisco, CA:

Jossey Bass, Inc., 1994) [XXIII] Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, “Parental Alienation Syndrome — The

Parent/Child Disconnect” Social Work Today Vol. 8 No. 6 P. 26 (November/December 2008) [XXIV] Barbara Ellen, “In Accusing All Creeps of Gaslighting, We

Dishonor the Real Victims” (The Guardian, July 6, 2019) [XXV] Shea Emma Fett, July 5, 2015 post on Medium: https://medium.com/@sheaemmafett/10-things-i-wish-i-d-knownabout-gaslighting-22234cb5e407 [XXVI] Ibid.

[XXVII] Angela Browne, When Battered Women Kill (London: The Free

Press, 1987) pp. 128-136.

Part III Why Do They Hurt Us? [XXVIII] Robert Bly, The Morning Glory: Prose Poems (New York:

HarperCollins, 1975) [XXIX] First used by the Roman poet Virgil in The Eclogues’, 37 B.C.

[XXX] Dan Neuharth, If You Had Controlling Parents (New York:

HarperCollins, 1998) p. xxiii [XXXI] Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect

Us from Violence (New York: Dell Publishing, 1997) [XXXII] More information about this can be found in The Seven

Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman & Nan Silver (New York: Crown Publishing Group, 1999, 2015) [XXXIII] Simon Baron-Cohen, The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the

Origins of Cruelty. (New York: Basic Books, 2011) [XXXIV] Thomas M. Harris, I’m Okay, You’re Okay (New York:

HarperCollins, 1969, 2004) [XXXV] Daniel J. Sonkin, Ph.D, Del Martin, & Lenore E. A Walker, Ed.D.

The Male Batterer (New York: Springer Publishing Company, 1985) p. 76 [XXXVI] Ibid., p. 48

[XXXVII] Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of

Angry and Controlling Men (New York: Berkley Books, 2002)

[XXXVIII] Michael P. Johnson, A Typology of Domestic Violence:

Intimate Terrorism, Violent Resistance, and Situational Couple Violence (Lebanon, NH: Northeastern University Press, 2008) [XXXIX] Neil Jacobson and John Gottman, When Men Batter Women:

New Insights into Ending Abusive Relationships (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1998) [XL] Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder, Fifth

Edition (DSM-5) (Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Association, 2013) [XLI] Bill Eddy, 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (New York:

Penguin Random House TarcherPeregee Book, 2018) p.8. [XLII] Jackson MacKenzie, Psychopath Free: Recovering from

Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People (New York: Berkeley, 2015) pp. 1-10. [XLIII] Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect

Us from Violence [XLIV] Lethality factors were gathered from the following sources:

Spouse Abuse: Assessing and Treating Battered Women, Batterers, and Their Children, Michele Harway & Marsali Hansen (Sarasota, Florida: Professional Resource Press, 2004); The Male Batterer, Sonkin, et al. (New York: Springer Publishing Company, 1985)

Part IV Why Do We Feel Crazy? [XLV] Ginny, NiCarthy, Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take

Back Your Life (Seattle: Seal Press, 1983, 1986, 1997) [XLVI] Amnesty International’s Report on Torture. London: Gerald

Duckworth & Co. Ltd., 1973.

[XLVII] Ibid. p. 46.

[XLVIII] Roxanne Khamsi, “Psychological Torture ‘as Bad as Physical

Torture,’” (NewScientist.com, March 2007) https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn11313-psychologicaltorture-as-bad-as-physical-torture/ [XLIX] Diana E. H. Russell, Rape in Marriage (Bloomington &

Indianapolis, Indiana (Indiana University Press, 1982, 1990) [L] Annelie J. Harvey and Mitchell J. Callan, Cheryl McCormick,

Editor, “Getting “Just Deserts” or Seeing the “Silver Lining”: The Relation between Judgments of Immanent and Ultimate Justice” National Center for Biotechnology Information: PLOS One https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4103766/ PLoS One 2014; 9(7): e101803. Published online 2014 Jul 18. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0101803 [LI] Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, https://www.merriam-

webster.com/dictionary/spiritual. (April 27, 2020) [LII] Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us

from Violence (New York: Dell Publishing, 1997) [LIII] I am indebted to Lorna Smith Benjamin’s work for these insights

from Interpersonal Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders (New York: The Guilford Press, 1996). [LIV] Fresh Air interview on Public Radio, January 17, 2020. “‘Why

Religion?’ Asks ‘How Hearts Can Heal’ After Tragedy” by Terry Gross. [LV] “Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United

States,” US Centers for Disease Control. Report released April 28, 2003. National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, part of the

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/ipvbook-a.pdf ) [LVI] A L Coker, P H Smith, L Bethea, M R King, R E McKeown,

“Physical Health Consequences of Physical and Psychological Intimate Partner Violence”, Archives of Family Medicine (May 2000): Vol. 9, pp. 451-57. [LVII] Marilyn Ford-Gilboe, Judith Wuest, Colleen Varcoe, Lorraine

Davies, Marilyn Merritt-Gray, Jacquelyn Campbell, Piotr Wilk. “Modelling the Effects Of Intimate Partner Violence And Access to Resources on Women’s Health in the Early Years After Leaving An Abusive Partner.” (Social Science & Medicine, March, 2009) [LVIII] Alexis Jetter, A Hidden Cause of Chronic Illness ( More.com

November 2013) https://dartcenter.org/sites/default/files/A%20Hidden%20Cause% 20of%20Chronic%20Illness.pdf. [LIX] Denise Schipani, medically reviewed by Allison Young, MD

Here’s How Stress and Inflammation Are Linked (October 16, 2018) https://www.everydayhealth.com/wellness/united-states-ofstress/link-between-stress-inflammation/ [LX] Ibid.

[LXI] Alexis Jetter, A Hidden Cause of Chronic Illness.

[LXII] Candace B. Pert, Ph.D. Molecules of Emotion: The Science

Behind Mind-Body Medicine (New York: Scribner, 2003) [LXIII] The CDC-Kaiser Permanente Adverse Childhood Experiences

(ACE) Study is one of the largest studies of the impact of adverse incidents on children. It indicated that the number of adverse incidents is tied to the risk of negative health outcomes; as the number increases so do the health risks. Felitti, Vincent J. et al.

Relationship of Childhood Abuse and Household Dysfunction to Many of the Leading Causes of Death in Adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. Volume 14, ISSUE 4, P245-258, May 01, 1998. https://www.ajpmonline.org/article/S0749-3797(98)000178/abstract [LXIV] Patricia Evans, Controlling People: How to Recognize,

Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You (Avon, MA: Adams Media Corporation, 2002) [LXV] Barbara Olasov Rothbaum, Editor. Pathological Anxiety:

Emotional Processing in Etiology and Treatment (New York: The Guilford Press, 2006) (Foa & Rothbaum, 1998; Foa & Riggs, 1993) [LXVI] Fran Lowry, “Forced Drug Abuse a Hidden but ‘Disturbingly

Common’ Part of Domestic Violence”(Medscape, December 9, 2019) https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/922309) [LXVII] Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the

United States, 2003. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/IPVBook-a.pdf [LXVIII] Margaret Paul, Ph.D. Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by

God? (Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications, Inc. 1999) [LXIX] We’ll learn about spiritual abuse as it refers to the misuse of

power by religious leaders in chapter 37.

Part V Why Do They Believe They Can Control Us? [LXX] Riane Eisler, The Power of Partnership: Seven Relationships that

will Change Your Life (Novato, CA: New World Library, 2002) p. 106

[LXXI] Murray R. Strauss, , Richard J. Gelles, and Suzanne K.

Steinmetz,. Behind Closed Doors: Violence in the American Family (Garden City, NY: Anchor Press/Doubleday, 1980) [LXXII] Jackson Katz, The Macho Paradox (Napierville, IL:

Sourcebooks, Inc., 2006) [LXXIII] Riane Eisler, The Chalice and the Blade: Our History, Our

Future (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1987) [LXXIV] Ibid.

[LXXV] Ibid.

[LXXVI] Johan Galtung, “Violence, Peace, and Peace Research” Journal

of Peace Research, Vol. 6, No. 3 (1969), pp. 167–191. [LXXVII] Shariff Abdullah’s concept of deep identity and how it plays

into deep conflicts between peoples is explained in this YouTube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=808VJ--6iv4 [LXXVIII] Dane County Wisconsin District Attorney Ismael Ozone said

this in his talk during the 7th Annual Dane County TraumaInformed Community Summit, November 16, 2018, Madison, Wisconsin. [LXXIX] Gaslight, a 1944 American psychological thriller film, adapted

from Patrick Hamilton’s play Gas Light (1938), about a woman whose husband slowly manipulates her into believing that she is going insane. [LXXX] John Galtung, “Violence, Peace, and Peace Research”

[LXXXI] Jean Shinoda Bolen, M.D., The Millionth Circle (San Francisco,

CA: Conari Press, 2003)

[LXXXII] Shariff Abdullah, Creating a World That Works for All (San

Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., 1999) p. 12 [LXXXIII] Riane Eisler has written extensively about how dominator

societies replaced partnership ones and what a partnership society would look like. Three of her books: The Chalice and the Blade: Our History, Our Future; The Partnership Way: New Tools for Living and Learning, Healing Our Families, Our communities, and Our World; The Real Wealth of Nations: Creating a Caring Economics. [LXXXIV] Joel Kramer &Diana Alstad, The Guru Papers: Masks of

Authoritarian Power (Berkeley, CA: Frog, Ltd., 1993) p.2 [LXXXV] Sue Annis Hammond & Andrea B. Mayfield, The Thin Book of

Naming Elephants: How to Surface Undiscussables for Greater Organization Success (Bend, Oregon: Thin Book Publishing Co., 2004) [LXXXVI] Riane Eisler, The Partnership Way: New Tools for Living and

Learning, Healing Our Families. (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1990) [LXXXVII] Shariff Abdullah, “Solutions Beyond Diversity: Monograph

#3: Deep Identity, Deep Conflict and Deep Connection,” Published on October 26, 2015 [LXXXVIII] Benjamin Franklin, 1789.

[LXXXIX] Riane Eisler, The Partnership Way: New Tools for Living and

Learning, Healing Our Families. [XC] Riane Eisler, Tomorrow’s Children: A Blueprint for Partnership

Education in the 21st Century (Boulder, Colorado: Westview Press, 2000)

Part VI How Do We Recognize Abuse of Power? [XCI] Kramer, Joel and Diana Alstad. The Guru Papers: Masks of

Authoritarian Power Berkeley, CA: Frog, Ltd., 1993. [XCII] Term used by Riane Eisler in her books, one being The Power of

Partnership (Novato, CA: New World Library, 2002) p. 70. [XCIII] Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. If You Had Controlling Parents: How to

Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World (New York: Cliff Street Books, 1998) [XCIV] Lorna Smith Benjamin, Interpersonal Diagnosis and Treatment

of Personality Disorders (New York: The Guilford Press, 1996) pp. 26-67. While Benjamin’s focus was on helping personality disorders, her construction of what we learn in families and how that affects us can be applied to everyone. [XCV] https://bullyingnoway.gov.au/WhatIsBullying/

DefinitionOfBullying [XCVI] Stopbullying.gov gov https://www.stopbullying.gov/; Stomp

Out Bullying: https://www.stompoutbullying.org/ National Centre Against Bullying: https://www.ncab.org.au/; 4 Types of Bullying Parents Should Know About Parents https://www.parents.com/kids/problems/bullying/commontypes-of-bullying/; Verywellfamily: https://www.verywellfamily.com/types-of-bullying-parentsshould-know-about-4153882?print; [XCVII] Sherri Gordon reviewed by Amy Morin, LCSW, “The Different

Types of Bullies Parents Should Watch For” Oct. 2019 https://www.verywellfamily.com/types-of-bullying-parentsshould-know-about-4153882

[XCVIII] Sherri Gordon, “The Different Types of Bullies Parents Should

Watch For” [XCIX] Gary Namie & Ruth Namie, The Bully at Work: What You Can

Do Tto Stop the Hurt and Reclaim Your Dignity on the Job (Napierville, IL: Sourcebooks, 2000, 2003, 2009) [C] Gary Namie, Ph.D. and Ruth F. Namie, Ph.D., The Bully-free

Workplace: Stop Jerks, Weasels, and Snakes from Killing Your Organization (Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 2011) [CI] Sue Annis Hammond & Andrea B. Mayfield, The Thin Book of

Naming Elephants: How to Surface Undiscussables for Greater Organization Success. (Bend, Oregon: Thin Book Publishing Co., 2004) [CII] The Think Book of Naming Elephants

[CIII] Noa Davenport, Ph.D., Ruth Distler Schwartz, & Gail Pursell

Elliott, Mobbing: Emotional Abuse in the American Workplace (Ames, IA: Civil Society Publishing, 1999) [CIV] Davenport, Mobbing: Emotional Abuse in the American

Workplace [CV] Davenport, Mobbing: Emotional Abuse in the American

Workplace [CVI] Davenport, Mobbing: Emotional Abuse in the American

Workplace, p. 139 [CVII] Joel Kramer &Diana Alstad, The Guru Papers, p. 1.

[CVIII] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professional_ethics

[CIX] Joel Kramer &Diana Alstad, The Guru Papers, p. 3.

[CX] Steven H. Miles, M.D., Oath Betrayed: Torture, Medical

Complicity, and the War on Terror (New York: Random House, 2006) [CXI] Carrie Teegardin, Danny Robbins, Jeff Ernsthausen & Ariel Hart.

“License to Betray.” Atlantic Journal Constitution, July 6, 2016. [CXII] Margaret Paul, Do I have to Give up ME to be Loved by GOD?

(Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 1999) p.26 [CXIII] Brene Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True

Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. (London: Vermilion, 2017) [CXIV] Stephen Arterburn & Jack Felton, Toxic Faith: Understanding

and Overcoming Religious Addiction. (Nashville, TN: Oliver Nelson Books, 1991) p. 31 [CXV] Riane Eisler, The Chalice and the Blade. (San Francisco: Harper,

1987) [CXVI] Riane Eisler, The Chalice and the Blade p. xvi

[CXVII] Henri J. M. Nouwen, In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on

Christian Leadership (Chestnut Ridge, NY: The Crossroads Publishing Company, 1989) [CXVIII] Janet Kozak, “What no One Told You about Spiritual Abuse in

Islam, Part 2.” About Islam https://aboutislam.net/family-life/yoursociety/no-one-told-spiritual-abuse-islam/ [CXIX] “The Islamic Response to Domestic Violence,” Islamic Society of

North America (EthnoMed https://ethnomed.org/resource/theislamic-response-to-domestic-violence/, 2009) [CXX] Hannah Dreyfus, “First-Of-Its-Kind #MeToo Study in Jewish

Community Finds Abuse Widespread” From The New York Jewish

Week (August 14,2019 https://jewishweek.timesofisrael.com/studycommunal-orgs-prone-to-abuses-of-power/) [CXXI] Rabbi Avi Friedman’s Weblog, “L’shon Hara & #metoo,”

shalom RAF, April 19, 2018 https://shalomraf.wordpress.com/2018/04/19/lshon-hara-metoo/ [CXXII] “Buddhist Teachers and the Abuse of Power: A Psychodynamic

Exploration of Dharma Practice”, PsychoDynamic Zen April 17, 2019 https://psychodynamiczen.org/buddhist-teachers-and-the-abuseof-power/ [CXXIII] Emma Varvaloucas, “What Went Wrong,” The Buddhist

Review Tricycle (Winter 2017) https://tricycle.org/magazine/whatwent-wrong-tibetan-sex-abuse/ [CXXIV] Madeleine L. Tobias and Janja Lalich. Captive Hearts, Captive

Minds: Freedom and Recovery from Cults and Abusive Relationships (Alameda, CA: Hunter house Publishing, 1994) [CXXV] Dr. Robert J. Lifton, Thought Reform and the Psychology of

Totalism. (Chapel Hill, NC: The University of North Carolina Press, 1989) [CXXVI] Robert J. Lifton,

https://archive.org/details/ThoughtReformAndThePsychologyOfT otalism/page/n3/mode/2up [CXXVII] Rick Ross, “Watch Out for Tell-tale Signs,” The Guardian,

05/27/2009. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/belief/2009/may/2 7/cults-definition-religion (citing Lifton’s work above) [CXXVIII] Margaret Paul, Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God?

p. 12

[CXXIX] Margaret T. Singer, with Janja Lalich, Cults in Our Midst: The

Hidden Menace in Our Everyday Lives. (San Francisco, FA: JosseyBass Publishers, 1995) pp. 60-61 [CXXX] Riane Eisler, The Power of Partnership, p. 93.

[CXXXI] Parker J. Palmer, Healing the Heart of Democracy: The

Courage to Create a Politics Worthy of the Human Spirit. (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2011) [CXXXII] E. M. Forster, Two Cheers for Democracy (New York:

Harcourt, Brace, 1951) p. 70. [CXXXIII] Molly Ivins, You Got to Dance with Them that Brung You.

(New York: Vintage Books, 1999) p. 81. [CXXXIV] Parker J. Palmer, Healing the Heart of Democracy, pp. 14-15.

[CXXXV] Riane Eisler, & Douglas P. Fry. Nurturing Our Humanity:

How Domination and Partnership Shape Our Brains, Lives, and Future. (New York: Oxford University Press, 2019) pp. 110-121. [CXXXVI] See the Center for Disease Control’s web site on the The CDC-

Kaiser Permanente Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/a cestudy/about.html [CXXXVII] These appeared earlier in Riane Eisler’s previous books, in

particular The Power of Partnership: Seven Relationships That Will Change Your Life (2002) p. 213 [CXXXVIII] Katherine Schreiber, “Poison People Caution” in Psychology

Today, March 2017 p.53.

[CXXXIX] Eviatar Zerubavel, The Elephant in the Room: Silence and

Denial in Everyday Life (New York: Oxford University Press, 2006) p. 15. [CXL] David Brin, The Postman. (New York: Bantam, 1985) p. 267

[CXLI] Riane Eisler, The Real Wealth of Nations: Creating a Caring

Economics. (New York: Oakland, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., 2007) p. 101. [CXLII] Deborah Tannen, The Argument Culture: Stopping America’s

War of Words. (New York: Random House Publishing Group, 1998) [CXLIII] Bill Bishop, The Big Sort: Why the Clustering of Like-minded

America is Tearing Us Apart. (New York: First Mariner Books, 2009) [CXLIV] Naomi Klein, “Daring to Dream in the Age of Trump” (The

Nation, June 13, 2017) [CXLV] Bill Bishop, The Big Sort: Why the Clustering of Like-minded

America is Tearing Us Apart, p. 40 [CXLVI] Parker J. Palmer, Healing the Heart of Democracy, p. 117.

Part VII What Can We Change? [CXLVII] Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D. Women Who Run with the

Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype (New York: Ballantine Books, 1992) pp.39-73 [CXLVIII] Danie3l Jay Sonkin, Ph.D., Del Martin, & Lenore E. Auerbach

Walker, Ed.D. The Male Batterer: A Treatment Approach (New York: Springer Publishing Company, 1985) [CXLIX] Encarta Dictionary

[CL] Chief Roy I Rochon Wilson, Medicine Wheel Workbook

(Napavine, WA: Roy I. Wilson, 2012) [CLI] Merriam-Webster Dictionary

[CLII] One example is Senator Elizabeth Warren in February 2017.

“Senate GOP Votes to Silence Warren After Speech Against Sessions,” The Hill, Jordain Carney - 02/07/17 08:03 PM EST. [CLIII] Mark 12:31 The Holy Bible: New International Version (New

York: HarperTorch, 1993) [CLIV] A Ladies’ Home Journal article in June 1918 said: “The generally

accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl.” Found in Jo B. Paoletti’s Pink and Blue: Telling the Boys from the Girls in America (Bloomington, Indiana: Indiana University Press, 2012) [CLV] Louise Yolton Eberhardt, Bridging the Gender Gap (Duluth,

MN: Whole Person Press, 1995) [CLVI] Collette Dowling, The Cinderella Complex: Women’s Hidden

Fear of Independence (New York: Pocket Books, 1982) [CLVII] Joanna V. Hunter, But He’ll Change: End the Thinking that

Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2010) [CLVIII] John Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making

Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert (New York: Harmony Books, 1999, 2015)

[CLIX] Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear: and Other Survival Signals

that Protect Us from Violence (New York: Dell Publishing, 1997) p. 292. [CLX] Ibid.

[CLXI] Pema Chodron When Things Fall Apart (Boston, MA:

Shambhala Publications, Inc., 1997) [CLXII] BJ Gallagher indicates Buddhist philosophy uses this term to

describe the human mind as being filled with drunken monkeys, jumping around, screeching, chattering, carrying on endlessly. We all have monkey minds, Buddha said, with dozens of monkeys all clamoring for attention. Fear is an especially loud monkey, sounding the alarm incessantly, pointing out all the things we should be wary of and everything that could go wrong. (THE BLOG 09/03/2011 10:41 am ET | Updated Nov 03, 2011 “Buddha: How to Tame Your Monkey Mind”) [CLXIII] Steven Pressfield, The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks

and Win Your Inner Creative Battles (New York: Black Irish Entertainment, LLC., 2002) [CLXIV] Howard Zinn, “On Getting Along.” {Moldy Political}

06/17/2011.

Part VIII How Do We Go Forward? [CLXV] Cynthia Occelli, Resurrecting Venue: A Woman’s Guide to

Love, Work, Motherhood, and Soothing the Sacred Ache (Los Angeles, CA: Mood Pop, Inc., 2014) [CLXVI] Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits: Spiritual Direction for

life’s Sacred Questions (New York: Harper One, 1990) p. 14.

[CLXVII] Bruce Feiler, “The Nonlinear Life,” Psychology Today (June,

2020) [CLXVIII] Christina Baldwin, The Seven Whispers: A Spiritual Practice

for Times Like These (Novato, CA: New World Library, 2002) pp. 2339. [CLXIX] James O. Prochaska, John C. Norcross, & Carlo C. Diclemente,

Changing for Good (New York: HarperCollins, 2006) pp. 38-49 [CLXX] Rebecca Solnit, Hope in the Dark: Untold Histories, Wild

Possibilities (New York: Nation Books, 2004) [CLXXI] The Greek philosopher Epictetus said, “It’s not what happens

to you, but how you react to it that matters.” [CLXXII] Karen Hall, Ph.D. “Three Blocks to Radical Acceptance:

Accepting Reality Means Less Emotional Suffering in the Long Run,” Psychology Today (Dec. 15, 2013) [CLXXIII] Marsha Linehan developed Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Her

numerous books and workbooks focus on skills for those with personality disorders. However, the concepts are applicable to everyone since she is teaching healthy skills for living. One of her books: DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (New York: The Guilford Press, 2015) [CLXXIV] Bill Eddy, BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People (Scottsdale, AZ: Unhooked Books, 2011) The High Conflict Institute web site contains helpful information: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-responses [CLXXV] Bill Eddy, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing

Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2011) pp. 43-68. [CLXXVI] Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits p. 87.

[CLXXVII] Ellen Goodman, “Ellen Goodman’s last column Looking

Backward, Looking Forward” (The Seattle Times, Jan. 1, 2010) https://www.seattletimes.com/opinion/ellen-goodmans-lastcolumn-looking-backward-looking-forward/ [CLXXVIII] Evelyn C. White, Chain Chain Change: For Black Women in

Abusive Relationships (Emeryville, CA.: Seal Press, 1985) This book speaks to the difficulties of black women in IPV relationships. [CLXXIX] Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, On Death and Dying: What the Dying

Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy, and Their Own Families (New York: Scribner, 1969) [CLXXX] Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run with the Wolves:

Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype (New York: Ballantine Books, 1992) [CLXXXI] Brene Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us can be found at

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/introducing-unlockingus/id1494350511?i=1000462033142. It is wonderful.

Gratitudes This book could not have been written without the clients who inspired it. Their struggles and successes inform what I know of intimate partner violence as much or more so than the articles and books written by experts. Their courage and willingness to venture beyond the known, even under great stress, deserves recognition. It is my privilege to have shared in their journeys. My passion for this work began with my internship at Northwoods Battered Women’s Shelter. They gave me sound training and experience that inspired me to continue that work as a therapist. I pursued a Master’s degree in Social Work because its principles provide a sound platform for empowering survivors where they are rather than from a power over model. I am deeply indebted to the many professionals who have informed and supported my work over the years. This began with Sheldon Rose’s practicum that included a domestic violence program. Dr. Dan Saunders and Dr. Darald Hanusa guided my education during my practicum, and Dan used my research to co-author a journal article on abuser treatment with me. I am grateful for the many shoulders I stand on and hope that sharing my understanding of their work enhances their legacy. I especially want to thank Riane Eisler for her vision and research, and her willingness to read and approve of chapters referring to her work. My vision for this book has always included working toward a better, kinder world. No profession, ideology, or political party has been untouched by dominator culture. Many people are striving to further the concept of partnerism. I agree with Riane that domination beliefs underlie all our major problems, including intimate partner abuse. Thanks go to Julie Tallard Johnson, who encouraged my writing and coached me through writing a proposal and negotiating the publishing business. She also birthed a writing consultation circle of creative people that nurtured my writing skills. Harmonia: Madison Center for Psychotherapy has been my clinical home for the past sixteen years. These wonderful practitioners provided a nurturing, supportive place for me to work with clients and begin my writing. Thank you to Terry Hoffman for inviting me to her critique group. Her insights and feedback are invaluable. Leigh Gregg contributes her journalism expertise and sharp eye for grammar. Carol Hornung has

a keen eye for detail and for the nuances of control with different populations. Maureen Halpin inspires me with her creative writing. You all continue to provide feedback that hones my writing craft and encourages me. Many thanks to my manuscript readers, Celine Graham and Ruth Ann Berkholtz. Celine’s technical writing expertise picked up details I didn’t. Ruth Ann critiqued with a keen social work eye. This is a better book for all your input. My family has been a wonderful support during the many years of writing. My children, Emilie and Aaron, read and contributed their ideas at crucial times. They and my sister Julia and brother-in-law John believed in me and contributed invaluable encouragement for this new venture. My friends Paula, Lisa, and Linda also followed my progress and cheered me on. I am grateful to have had a mother who modeled a sense of adventure and a father who supported me and provided a good start in life, all despite being influenced by the heritage of male domination. It could have been otherwise. What they gave me enabled me to live my life fully. I appreciate Black Rose Writing for accepting my manuscript and providing tools for making it better. Reagan Rothe’s patience in explaining the contract to a beginner and answering my questions eased the way. David King worked with me in making the final copy look as I intended it, including a cover that is gender neutral. I was lucky to find a publisher that supports first-time authors as well as experienced ones. Susannah Greenberg’s work with publicity and marketing provided much needed guidance. I appreciate her knowledge and responsiveness. Brenda Eckhart added her expertise with the world of social media. I would have felt lost without you both. I believe we all can be agents of beneficial change, beginning with ourselves. Making “good trouble,” as Rep. John Lewis encouraged. I leave you with an Audre Lord quote: “In our world, divide and conquer must become define and empower.” My hope is that this book defines coercion and empowers all of us in living free and at peace.

Note from the Author Word-of-mouth is crucial for any author to succeed. If you enjoyed Coercive Relationships, please leave a review online—anywhere you are able. Even if it’s just a sentence or two. It would make all the difference and would be very much appreciated. Thanks! Jennifer C. Parker, M.S.S.W.

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