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Bhakti

A journey of Soul discovery

JENNIFER DUKE

Bhakti

A journey of Soul discovery

Copyright 2021, Anubhava Publishing Thousand Oaks, CA All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any manner without written permission of the copyright owner except for use of quotations in a book review. Library of Congress Control Number: 2021904645 ISBN: 978-0-578-86319-1 (paperback) ISBN: 978-0-578-87193-6 (ebook)

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Bhakti

A journey of Soul discovery

Jennifer Duke 3

Acknowledgments Thank you, Nayaswamis Narayan & Dharmadevi. I am grateful for the support I received from my family while I negotiated radical life changes – most particularly the support of my husband Mel who married an atheist and wound up with something else. Whether I was flying to India, converting a room in our home to a meditation space, or spinning my life on a dime as I immersed myself in God, Mel stood at my side and said, “Wonderful!” Thank you for your love. Thank you, Nayaswamis Jyotish and Devi, Nayaswami Asha, Dr. Shanti Rubenstone, and the many other great souls in the Ananda community who continue to offer their guidance as pure channels for the Light. Thank you Fran and Elaine. Thank you Nayaswami Rambhakta. And Swami Kriyananda! Before you left your body, I had just one opportunity to glimpse you across the room. I didn’t even know who you were, yet your magnetism drew me. I stared and yearned to approach you and simply say, “I need help.” I wish I had. Yet I know my life is graced with your presence. And most important, thank you God for your unbounded patience, love and guidance.

The things that happen to us do not matter; What we become through them does.

– Sri. Gyanamata

Contents 1. The Journal

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11

2. Soul & Ego

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26

3. Doubt

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33

4. The Pastor

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43

5. Fran, Peru & Progress

. . . . . . . . . . . . 62

6. Change

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91

7. Faith

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105

8. Love

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 126

9. Attunement

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 142

10. Channels

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 172

11. India

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200

12. Calmness

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 211

13. Clarity

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 234

14. Peace

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 240

One: The Journal

I had never kept a journal until March 31, 2012,

the day I “randomly” decided to start writing. Little did I know that the very next day I would be thrown into a journey that would require a life-changing shift in my understanding of reality. In retrospect, I believe that I was guided to begin recording my journey so that I could eventually share it with others. Now, eight years later, I’m feeling guided to make my story public. My transition from avowed atheist to a soul filled with devotion to God was initially fraught with disbelief. Desperate for a place to vent my incredulity, I used my newly opened journal as a repository for my unedited thoughts. Writing allowed me to express my awe freely and sort through the overwhelming newness of what I was experiencing. To this day I am struck with awe at the magnificence of my experiences. The absolute knowing, and the confidence to diverge from preordained dogmas, came not from external influences but through my own inner experiences of union with divine Grace. It was only through these unexpected experiences that I was able to change so radically and find a sure footing in my new faith. And while my journey was deeply personal and beyond the reach of doubts, the fundamental changes at first posed a profound challenge.

I’ve included in this book many letters to friends in which I express my struggles, fears, joys, and my initial massive confusion. I also include letters that reflect the guidance I received from beloved friends who helped me by serving as channels for divine Truth. Throughout the book I offer additional insights on spiritual topics that initially challenged me. I hope that this material will help the reader in their own search.

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In writing this journal, it was never my intention to publicly share the saga of my deep experiences, my inner struggles, my naiveté, my weaknesses, fears, and doubts, and my final, intimate relationship with the Divine. The journal wasn’t intended to be lofty, intellectual, or to be read by anyone but myself. I have edited my original writing for typos and clarity, but not for intellectual profundity. Thus I hope that as you read, you will feel the honesty and the depth of sincerity with which I wrote. I’ve decided to share my story not for personal gain or a desire that my journey be publicly acknowledged, but because I feel inwardly prompted by a higher guidance to do so. I would be more comfortable keeping these accounts to myself. Assembling them for publication was an uncomfortable step that I was inspired to take, a divinely assigned duty for my own spiritual progress. Any fears of public opinion that I might harbor must yield to the quest for inner expansion. Remarkably, the story began with a letter to a friend in which I expressed my absolute rejection of any form of God.

3/31/2012 First entry Dear Chris Good evening, my friend. I wish that you’d been able to join me on this morning’s hike. It was so beautiful. As you know, I’m not religious at all - I do not believe in a God. But sometimes I’ve experienced what, for me, is the closest I come to a spiritual epiphany. It happens in quiet moments when something so simple as an incredibly beautiful sky takes my breath away, or when I’m sitting outdoors in a stunning natural environment reading a great book, or when the perfect music is juxtaposed over an emotional event. It happens when I’m completely in the present and everything seems in perfect balance and miraculous. Whenever I find myself there, I can think clearly, my senses are heightened, and my life feels larger. There is no formal religion, no God reaching down from above, just a gentle, amazing feeling of union with everything. These are my “spiritual” moments. This was my hike today. I’m sharing it with you since you couldn’t join me. I hope you and your family are enjoying wonderful celebrations. You’re so fortunate to have each other. Have a fantastic time. Love, J

h Before the events described in this book began,

there had always been an intangible, missing element in my life that felt just out of reach. I was aware of it from a very young age, and I can even remember as a child want-

ing to interview people in my search for “it.” However much I tried, I couldn’t identify it. I wandered for a half century, sensing that something important awaited me, and that I would know it when I found it. But whatever “it” was remained elusive. For fifty years I was a judgmental atheist. I believed that religion was for the weak - an excuse people leaned on rather than take responsibility for their own actions and the course of their lives. I disliked it for its long historical association with power-grasping, social control, and financial gain. I had never sought any form of a higher power. I definitely never consciously sought God. The idea of a powerful, all-knowing creator went against everything I believed. I was raised by atheists. My parents were relatively conservative in the sense that they didn’t deviate too far from the social norms. They did not rail against institutions or try to make social statements. They were pretty much rule followers and seemed normal to me - but my “normal” may be unique since my parents were somewhat extreme in their own areas of interest. When I was nine, my older brother and I moved with our parents from Los Angeles to Santa Barbara. My father was an engineer who had retired early to pursue his dream of being an astronomer. He created a company that would become a world leader in designing software and hardware for deep space research. He built a computerized, domed, rotating observatory in our backyard and collaborated on research projects with NASA and other observatories. Intellectual and professorial, there was no space in his view of the universe for an omnipresent Creator. Guests in our home would periodically be treated to slide shows of deep space phenomena and discussions about the universe. My father spoke not of God, but of science. When I was young, I would occasionally spend evenings in his observatory, enjoying his explanations of astronomical

phenomena: deep-space nebulae, dual stars and black holes. I enjoyed our time looking through the telescope together, but his work didn’t hold the same mystique for me that it did for others. To me, it was all very normal - he was just my Dad. My mother was very creative. Her art was, in the fullest sense, “outside the box,” and her creativity so completely defined her that her tombstone reads: “She refused to color within the lines.” Her home was an ever-changing canvas. As adults, we never knew quite what to expect when we walked through the door, particularly if we hadn’t visited for a while. Sometimes she would forewarn us with a phone call about her latest creation, which might sound either amazingly beautiful, or horrendous. But the results were nearly always stunning. As an example - she once called to announce that she was painting three of our living room walls metallic silver, and the fourth and largest wall a Pepto-Bismol pink. The ceiling would be metallic-gold, with a medieval chandelier to hold candles over the coffee table. Who in their right mind would imagine that this would have a good outcome? Yet when we came home, we inevitably found something magnificent. She had the creative vision to turn ordinary spaces into uniquely beautiful art. Like my father, she did not believe in any form of a higher power. Both of them were born Jewish, although to call them practicing Jews would be misleading. We went to temple for the occasional Jewish wedding, but none of us ever resonated deeply with those experiences. Growing up surrounded by my parents creativity fostered in me a sense that I, too, could accomplish anything I chose to. I’ve always felt very capable, independent, and confident - traits that deepened my inner sense that I alone could determine my fate. Within that high-energy family circle I was quiet, introverted, and curious - an observer, preferring to spend time

with a few close friends. I didn’t drink, smoke, or date much. I was squeaky-clean, never caused trouble, and wasn’t “popular.” I existed, waiting, going along quietly with the flow of life. I received decent grades in college, but school wasn’t terribly important to me. I enjoyed learning, but I hadn’t found my purpose. I was, in general, a fairly boring good kid. Spirituality was absolutely never on my radar. If anything, it was on my list of things to avoid. The minimal exposure I had to religion never rang true. I had a few Christian friends, but I couldn’t understand why they would blindly believe whatever they were told. I had no personal experience upon which to believe any of it, and when asked, they didn’t seem to either. My distrust of organized religions was fanned whenever I heard dogmatic misinterpretations of Higher Truth. In my early life, I had no idea what “Higher Truth” might mean, but I somehow sensed the incorrectness of the standard interpretations, for example, when a college roommate declared, “You are going to hell for eternity because you don’t believe Jesus is your only saving grace.” I wasn’t familiar with the Bible, but I certainly knew there was something wrong with her statement, and the anger with which it was shared. This and other experiences supported my heart’s sense that organized religion is often a fear-based control mechanism. College wasn’t all terrible. I had some fun and I met my husband, Mel, in a business club. We are the same age and shared our first date on my twenty-first birthday. Mel’s beliefs fell somewhere between atheism and agnosticism. We’re fifty-nine now, celebrating our thirty-fourth anniversary, and we’ve been together since that first date. Our life has been easy - we’re best friends who’ve comfortably negotiated life’s trials together. We have two adult children: a married thirty-year-old daughter and a twenty-six-year-old son. I hate to sound like

the typical proud parent, but I must say, they are beautiful souls. They are both successful in the sense that they are happy, and they possess the skills to cultivate a joy in their lives that uplifts those around them. Having them in our home was wonderful. When they left I felt lost to an extent that surprised me, and that forced me to redefine myself. My self-definition had become deeply entwined with being their mother, and now I had to find a new sense of identity, but I had no inkling of what it should or could be, or the revolution in my image of myself that was soon to come. Indeed, this story is about rediscovering my true Soul identity, though it would happen in a way that I could never have dreamed of, nor could I have imagined what my true identity would be, or that I would reclaim an unbridled inner joy, calmness, peacefulness, strength, and love. I’ve experienced more of these in the past nine years than in the previous fifty years together. I found these gifts through the path of Self-realization, which I’m now aware was the long-sought missing element in my life. This book will not be an exposition of the nonsectarian truths of Self-realization. Instead, it’s my personal story of discovery, which I completed with the help of that high path. Nevertheless, it might be helpful at this point if I say a few words about the path I follow. Self-realization is the exact opposite of formal religion, yet it unites all religions. It is a timeless, non-dogmatic, non-sectarian state of consciousness that helps us transcend the delusion that we are defined by our egos and our physical bodies. Self-realization comes through our own, personal, inner experiences of our eternal Soul in union with Spirit. Through these experiences we gain a sure knowing of our spiritual truth as unlimited Divine beings, made of Divine energy itself and not separate from, but part of Absolute Oneness. As

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” It was only through my own inner experiences of this great truth that I developed a foundation of faith. No one could have said anything that would have persuaded me to believe in God. Nothing short of actual, personal experiences could have caused such an enormous shift in my worldview and understanding. I use the word “God” often in my journal, though there are many names for this loving Creative Force: Spirit, Atman, Divine Mother, He, She, Heavenly Father. There is no right or wrong name for it – we are free to think of it in the terms that feel right and comfortable to us individually. Spiritual truth is personal and experiential; it cannot be outwardly defined. Fundamental to the path of Self-realization is meditation. Meditation is the laboratory where we can apply practical, scientific tools to calm and quiet our minds and test and deepen our inner relationship with the Divine. As Paramhansa Yogananda said, “Meditation is the science of reuniting the soul with Spirit.” I had never meditated until I was fifty and its arrival in my life felt foreign to me. But with practice, learning to meditate became easier, and it was through meditation that I was able to experience a Higher Truth and place my fifty years of atheism firmly in the past. This is why the path of Self-realization is so wonderful - because it offers effective, scientific techniques that help us achieve direct, personal inner communion with God. We need nothing more, and no one else, to discover that great Truth. How these radical changes came about in my life is the stuff of my journal. After the first entry in which I described my total rejection of God, spirituality, and religion, the second entry, written only two days later, on April 2, 2012,

records the beginning of an amazing journey. 4/2/12 Two days ago, something happened that was completely outside my known reality. I can’t figure out how to process it. I have no idea why it happened, and I’m unable to place it in any familiar context. The experience was so intense and physically all-consuming that I simply couldn’t ignore it, nor could I focus on anything else. I was sitting in Elaine’s home, feeling so stunned by what I was experiencing that I had no choice but to tell her and her husband. In retrospect, I see that it was divinely orchestrated that it should happen while I was with these particular friends. Intense energy, perfect love, and deep joy were flowing throughout my body. My friends watched and listened as I described its power. After sitting with me for several hours, Elaine dared to suggest that what I was experiencing was what she knew as God’s unconditional love being poured into me. A ridiculous comment that I did not appreciate. Elaine and her husband are both well-versed in spirituality and religion, though we’ve rarely discussed either, since they know I am an atheist. Our mutual respect has prevented us from arguing about it, but there was no avoiding the discussion that took place two nights ago. Can a God actually exist? Knowing my beliefs, Elaine cautiously continued to suggest

that she understood what was happening - gently balancing her words against my absolute resistance. I continued to insist that it had to be something else. I do not believe in God, and I was annoyed by her suggestions which felt like proselytizing. She and her husband are rational, intelligent people whose opinions I have always respected. He has a Ph.D. in theology, so I felt that I could trust his spiritual insights, at least to some degree. But even as I repeated my pressing question, “Is it really possible that I’m experiencing God?” I marveled that I was even asking such a question. God is not possible! My questions and my overwhelmed feelings were so far beyond anything my at-best-agnostic husband would be able to handle that I spent the night at Elaine’s, feeling that I desperately needed her support. All night long and into the next morning the loving energy flowed through me as I listened to Elaine speak passages about God! What in the world was happening? Whenever she stopped, I would ask for more. I have no idea where my desire to hear more was coming from. On any other day I would have been disgusted and annoyed by her words; but now they literally felt so good, like a wonderful, physical energy. Through the night, Elaine gently and kindly listened to my concerns, fears, and doubts, and to my yearning for more, while I remained immersed in massive confusion. I cannot say the word “God” aloud. It carries too many feelings of social stigma and judgment. But hearing it and listening to the words she spoke about union with a higher source

weirdly resonated inside me. The words literally felt good - they had an energy that my body welcomed but my mind could not understand. This was definitely not a normal experience for me. But it was somehow accompanied by a profound inner sense that it was perfect. I give Elaine credit for not pushing an agenda and for simply responding to my questions. She heard my resistance and my doubts without pushing me. Her spiritual knowledge allowed her to answer each question thoroughly, while calming my distress at the possibility that something revolutionary was suddenly happening in my life. At a deep level that I can’t seem to access with the rational mind, I understood what was happening. I have no idea where this understanding came from, but I understood every word Elaine shared, as if I had known it already. I can’t explain it, it just all felt so familiar. But even as the energetic love continued to pour into me, I was intensely confused. I wasn’t doing anything with my own will power; it was simply happening. It was very physical, all-consuming, and incredibly perfect. The next morning, I still was not prepared to go home and face questions, or be alone with this, so I stayed with my friends for most of the day. No matter where we went, the experience followed me, with massive amounts of energy flowing through my body - loving, perfect, powerful energy. I couldn’t focus on anything else. Nothing else mattered. It was so big! Elaine kept asking: Is it happening now? Yes. Is it happening now? Yes. Is it happening now? Yes…I believe she

could clearly see it in my demeanor - I was quietly immersed in an incredible, loving energy that flowed through me. I did not even want to talk. 4/6/12 Several days have passed, and I know that something important is happening. I don’t want to be the only person on the planet who refuses to examine the possibility that a higher force actually exists, and that it can make me feel so good. Will I stubbornly assert my atheism and ignore the possibility of a God? I am grounded in a half-century of firm commitment to atheism. It is my filter. But it’s undeniable that something has happened. “I” am not doing anything; it is not coming from me. I just can’t accept that what I’m experiencing is God. My mind desperately seeks other reasons for the perfect love that continues to pour through me. But so far, I know no other explanation. The experiences are so powerful that I can’t imagine anyone would believe this unless they’d experienced them in the same very real and physical way. My own direct experiences are the only thing that would allow me to consider the possibility that they are from a higher source. I have to consider the possibility – this is too immense and all-consuming to ignore. 4/10 /12

Several days have passed and the experiences keep happening. A lot. I’ve been immersed in physical manifestations of joy and love that defy rational definitions. I can’t even explain how I know that it is “joy” and “love.” It just...is. It doesn’t stop - it flows and flows! I don’t know how else to explain it. What I am experiencing: my body feels relaxed beyond anything I’ve ever known. An energy flows throughout me, rising in my spine up through my heart and throat and head, a literal, powerful, strong flowing energy, grabbing my attention. It feels so blissful. It’s very internal, not external at all. When it’s present, I want to ignore everyone around me and sit in its beauty and peacefulness. Everything else completely disappears. I’ve never spoken like this before. There’s no denying that something is happening. I have no control over it entering me for days at a time. It happens in the car, at the market, or while talking to a friend. It simply enters and feels so good in the midst of whatever else I’m doing. It’s not only physical. Simultaneous with the physical energy comes a clarity of thought and feeling that’s indescribable. My mind becomes so clear. My purpose in life becomes clear, as if it has been placed in the forefront of my brain. I understand for the first time that my purpose is to become the best person I can by harnessing this love and using it to improve the world in whatever large or small ways I can figure out for myself. This is certainly new for me, not part of my previous thought process.

I’ve received clarity on many subjects, thrilling insights that are entirely out of my control. “Something” is giving me this new understanding. It is not originating from my mind; it’s being placed there. Letting go of control is foreign to me. I’ve always felt pride in my strength to accomplish whatever I wanted. But this doesn’t seem to be about me. It’s hard to experience this without my heart racing in excitement, which seems to cut off the experience. Elaine generously makes herself available to me at all hours of any day. I have so many questions. Despite my struggles to understand this logically, I can’t. I know that something has shifted and I’m slightly beginning to allow the possibility that a God may exist. – (To Elaine) Today I was happier than I can remember ever being. Coincidental? Probably not. I’m confused beyond belief. I have moments of complete clarity, filled with an amazing kind of love that is indescribable, physical, joyful, and all-encompassing. But I’m also afraid of disappointing you and myself if I should go backward. I have so many questions. I’m overwhelmed and promise nothing. But I’m also excited. In the stunning moments, I have a sense of complete clarity. Today,

in such a moment, I believe that my purpose became clearer than ever - to be a better person, to share this joyful gift, and to become empowered to make a difference. I’ve evolved so much over the past two years. I’ve felt deeper pain than I’ve ever known, which became the gateway for deeper empathy than I’ve known before. I believe the compassion I developed was meant to prepare me for this journey. I must release my death grip on analysis. But, for now, I remain trapped in that struggle. I look forward to the journey, to the growth from this process, and I am grateful for your support. I can’t thank you enough. Today was an amazing day in my life and you were an important part of it. Love, J

Two: Ego & Soul h Paramhansa Yogananda defined the ego as the eter-

nal Soul, identified with the limited physical body that we currently inhabit, with its self-described set ot likes, dislikes, strengths, and weaknesses. Our attachment to the ego tempts us to limit ourselves to a bundle of self-definitions: I am female, I am a particular age, I have a particular heritage, I love chocolate, I don’t like people who behave in certain ways, I have particular strengths, weaknesses and expectations. Our ego collects these stories and perpetuates the idea that we are separate from everyone else. As much as we tend to attach ourselves to them, we are ultimately not those stories. The he Sanskrit language includes many terms that describe spiritual concepts very precisely, reflecting India’s unbroken, millennia-old history of spiritual exploration. In the West we don’t have a vocabulary that accurately captures the essence of ancient spiritual concepts. So we turn to Sanskrit. “Jiva” is the Sanskrit word for the individualized egoic soul (lower case “s”) that incarnates over and over in a human body, ego-attached, as it learns countless lessons in search of true joy. It is our individualized spark of Spirit on the path toward Self-realization: eventual bliss in union with Spirit. When we can free ourselves from the ego’s self-definitions, we realize ourselves as one with divine Bliss. This is the destiny of every individual soul without exception. Our Soul, capital “S,” is free of ego-attachments and is one with infinite bliss in union with Spirit. The Soul is the eternal, indwelling divine Self. As Krishna tells his disciple Arjuna in India’s great scripture, the Bhagavad Gita, “That indwelling Self is ever changeless, imperishable, and without limitation.” The path of Self-realization is based on the understanding

that the jiva reincarnates over and over, and that karma is the driving mechanism behind reincarnation. The little, human ego reaches out with great enthusiasm to test all of the amazing things the material world has to offer. We love some of it and become attached to much of it. Our likes, dislikes and desires govern our lives and incarnations. We become addicted to the roller coaster of emotions, excitement, and drama. Sometimes the drama is uncomfortable, but not quite painful enough to drive us to search for another option. We are trapped in this ego delusion for countless incarnations, believing that we can fulfill our deepest desires outwardly. All beings without exception must endure the long saga of learning by having their own experiences. In this long process of testing, we have all done unsavory things, and we must experience the consequences of these actions. The mere fact that our body expires and needs to be replaced does not forgive these actions. With each new incarnation, we resume the learning process exactly where we left off. And through it all, the Divine Parent offers us the exact lessons that will most effectively help us expand our consciousness. We are given free will to decide whether we will listen and learn. I will discuss free will more later. As my journey unfolded, I often wondered why the higher experiences felt so familiar. Why did these experiences resonate so beautifully in my heart from the first moment? In retrospect, I can see that from the first day my Soul, which has incarnated endless times, understood what it was experiencing. The cycle of reincarnation and testing doesn’t end until we begin to feel the anguishing monotony of our soul’s seemingly endless, unfulfilled search for complete inner joy. Shankya philosophy is one of the three main systems of Indian thought. It describes our dissatisfaction with our outward existence, and it explains our human need to find inner spiritual truth. No longer fulfilled by the roller-coaster drama

of trying to find complete happiness externally, we finally reach a point where we yearn for deeper, inward, true joy in union with the Infinite. This is when it can be said that we’ve consciously set foot on the path of Self-realization. The path of Self-realization is concerned with learning to reverse the outward flow of energy in our search of joy, and instead turn inward, uniting our energy with infinite Love. In that state, we experience intense relief, gratitude and boundless joy. Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras are considered the authoritative scripture on the path to union with the Divine. The Yoga Sutras are universal and are not associated with a particular religion. Patanjali defines the root problem and its cause: why we are not already in union with the Divine. To paraphrase: “If we have not neutralized our ego’s likes, desires, and inclinations, we continue to assume outward form. Once these restless emotions are stilled, we realize that we are, and always have been, one with the Infinite.” Yoga (union) is “the neutralization of ego-directed feelings.” When we finally reach that place where we are ready to enter the study of union with the Divine, Patanjali says in his first Yoga Sutra, “Now we come to the practice of yoga (union with the Divine).” Our ego cannot remember our longer journey of incarnations, but our Soul knows it all. The Sanskrit term for our eternal Soul’s memory of our true nature as one with the Divine is smritti. The experiences of divine love that I received on the first day resonated with my Soul’s memory. It was that sure inner knowing that allowed me to move forward with such hunger for more, even in the midst of my analytical chaos. At the time, this was all well beyond my understanding. I was simply trusting the intense inner feeling, and the deep inner knowing that what was happening was right and true. But I did not yet have an inkling of the wonder that was

unfolding. Three weeks later It’s been an all-consuming, deeply confusing, overwhelming three weeks. The world around me continues on its way, but I feel like I’m in a time warp. Nothing matters but this. And, holy crap - I now attribute all of what’s happening to God. I’m learning to listen to my heart more, and my mind less. This is incredible. The ripple effects are dramatic. I’m battling mentally against old dogmas that want to creep in and prevent me from feeling free to allow this joy into my life. I hear myself expressing thoughts of God that I would have scorned just last week. I’ve always judged those who turned to God as weak. So will I, too, now be judged thusly? I must now question the wisdom of the people I depended upon, trusted and respected, and the reasons behind my struggle to accept something so loving. Is reality something entirely different than I believed? I can’t yet talk to my family. What will they think of me? The list of confusing questions and significant ramifications feels endless. I barely eat, I barely sleep, and I desperately want to break through to a more relaxed and comfortable relationship with this, because I really want this joy in my life. It feels so right and good. So why is my mind so strongly resisting? Is there REALLY a God? Is it possible? Nothing about this feels wrong.

But my analytical mind is creating chaos. What am I going to do? I seem to have a hidden internal drive toward wanting to accept this. I’m reading like crazy, asking questions, and relying on advice from a small group I’ve assembled. I’m coming to terms with this radical paradigm shift. My entire life is changing as I accept what, just three weeks ago, I would have literally bet my life was impossible, and as ridiculous as fairy tales. Terry is a therapist I’ve turned to in my disoriented bewilderment. She’s helped me accept that I’m not experiencing any sort of psychological issue. It may sound funny, but my concern was that my logical mind might have created whatever it needed to, to help me find happiness. But I wasn’t aware of being unhappy. I’ve even had a full physical with a blood panel to confirm that there’s nothing medically wrong with me. THIS is not logical. Terry helped me accept that something has actually happened, that I deserve this love even though it feels so foreign to me - and that I should not feel guilty about receiving it. 4/25/12 It’s been three weeks tonight. I have prayed! I can say the word “God” without freaking out. (Well, not really, but I can at least spit it out quietly.) I’ve read passages of the Bible! I’ve listened to sermons, read books, shared dis-

cussions with a limited circle of people, and I have a lifetime to enjoy this. 4/26/12 Where did it go? The energy that flowed through me has been absent all day. Where is it? I went to bed desperately hoping it was still in my life, but scared that I’ve done something wrong, because the sensations are absent. I’m ready to accept this in my life completely. It felt so perfect. And now it’s gone. 2:00a.m. I struggled through the night in disappointment, yearning for the feelings to return until 2 a.m. when I felt such a rush of energy, joy and love that it literally possessed me to fall to my knees in gratitude. How weird is this? The earlier fear that it might not return made me realize how desperately I want this. It made me realize I yearn for it and that I’m ready for it. I want to remove any walls that block my receptivity. With each experience comes an inexpressible joy and an understanding that whatever this is, it is perfect. Several times I found my heart racing with joy. I spent the rest of the night in gratitude, in long sessions of joyous love flowing through me, my walls of skepticism absent. Knowing it had returned allowed me to relinquish the fear that I’d done something wrong or that it would never return. I’m trying to figure out what this all means in my life. It’s unbelievably overwhelming, in a good way. I am completely unaware of ever having consciously searched for God, spirituality, or religion. God simply came

and got me. Why me? This doesn’t feel like religion. It isn’t dogma or doctrine. There are no rules or teachings that I’m following. No one is forcing anything on me, or telling me what I must do in order to experience it. It is a spiritual, personal relationship with God that I am experiencing directly inside myself. So now I must ask, what is real and what is not? Was my perception of reality entirely wrong? Did my education, my environment, and my trusted teachers mislead me? If a God exists, it means my world just turned upside down. “Never say Never” has taken on new meaning. This wasn’t supposed to be possible. Throughout my life I’ve learned difficult lessons about depression, compassion, self-acceptance, and letting go of fear and guilt, among many other things. I believe they prepared me to appreciate this unconditional love. I can use those lessons combined with this love to help others. This is not how I used to think. I’m being changed from the inside out. It’s just happening. Maybe all of the “coincidences,” people, and events that led me here were not coincidences after all? So far, not many people in my life know what I’m going through.

Three: Doubt h The beautiful gift of new joy was countered by mas-

sive, ongoing struggles with doubt. Soul memory, smritti, meant that on a deep level everything felt familiar, wonderful, and natural. The energy that flowed through me, the clarity I received, the feelings of joy, calmness, and unconditional love were unquestionably good things. The love felt accepting, clean and pure, as if I was experiencing my youthful self before self-created definitions changed me. When I was immersed in this energy, I dropped learned concepts of myself and instead experienced myself as pure joy, a sensation I don’t think I could truly remember feeling since childhood. Love, relationships, family, art, music - the many beautiful things we experience in life - are truly wonderful, but this new love was so much greater. Doubts were by far my greatest obstacle. My ego was screaming at me: “You must be mistaken, are you kidding? Everything is great with me in charge. People will judge you. God doesn’t really exist. You better be sure you understand before you go jump off a ledge.” Several friends tried to help me understand that God is far beyond human understanding. They were essentially saying, “Stop being so egoic, believing that you can understand God whose immensity is well beyond understanding. Instead, trust your heart and the experiences of joy.” Their comments hit home. I understood and I really wanted to change. But, oh how doubt wreaked havoc! Fifty years of intolerant, judgmental atheism don’t simply vanish without the ego putting up a massive battle. Doubts were ego’s deeply unpleasant way of commencing

battle, of trying to prevent me from accepting the paradigm shift in my life. These ego-launched doubts showed up as fear of judgment, of being viewed as weak, mistaken, or delusional, and the doubts manifested as utter disbelief. I had to decide whether I would do the massive amount of change required to accept something so life-altering. Changing the paradigm would require responding from my heart, and from intuition. It would mean unlearning a life’s worth of environmental inputs and freeing myself from my analytical nature. My Soul knew what it was doing. By incarnating into a profoundly science-oriented family, my Soul was ensuring that I would build a future of deep faith based on an ironclad knowing of Truth in my heart, forged in the furnace of hard testing. Paramhansa Yogananda, author of the spiritual classic Autobiography of a Yogi, said, “Environment is stronger than willpower.” Overcoming my environment, where the possibility of a God was discredited, would force me to forge my own convictions, to the point where nothing would ever again be able to sway me from my inner knowing. I was being given opportunities to develop an inner strength that would be based on my own personal experiences, rather than follow the outward pull of human-created explanations. It was time to bring in the big artillery for the battle ahead. I assembled a core team of people I trusted, who I felt wouldn’t judge me by the story I was about to share, and whose knowledge I respected. The group included a well-respected pastor, a therapist, and three friends whose lives were rooted in spirituality and whose opinions I respected. I also had a full physical exam to ensure that I was healthy. I know it may sound odd, but the energy manifesting in my body was so physical that my analytical nature demanded that I see my doctor to eliminate the possibility that something was medically wrong with me.

I met fairly regularly with each of the people in my group, except for the internist and without exception, they provided exactly what I needed. Over time, I understood the truth and depth of the statement, “Nothing in our lives is random - everything is perfectly provided.” There are no exceptions. In the next section, I’ve gathered entries from throughout the first year of my journal. Collectively, they describe a battle being waged to overcome my doubts. But, oh! - there were so many more doubt-filled entries than the few I’ve included here. 4/29/12 I’m struggling - overwhelmed with panic that this relationship is either slipping away and that I’m mistaken about the entire thing - or that I simply don’t know how to properly “communicate” with God. This great love has created a powerful sense of yearning within me. Its absence is painful testimony to its strength. I feel an instinctual understanding that what’s happening is good. The feelings of peace, perfection and joy are so strong and powerful that their absence hurts, and I panic. I wonder if He is teaching me the intensity of my desire through the desperation I feel in its absence. I’m grateful for the fifty years of unknowing. They make knowing so much more satisfying and appreciated. I’m trying desperately to learn how to remain in God’s presence. I’m learning that I must quiet my mind, relax, and trust that He’s always here with me, whether I’m aware of Him or not.

I’m grateful for Elaine’s support, and for her willingness to talk me through my distress. 5/3/12 One month in - a letter to head Pastor Mike Dear Mike, As recently as four weeks ago, I would have bet my life that the following words would never come out of my mouth...“I believe in God.” I am the last person on the planet I thought would come to this. I dared to dial your phone number, a monumental feat in itself, and sadly was told your schedule was filled. I’m hoping to begin a dialogue with you via email, wishing to meet with you ASAP. I’ll attempt to explain my situation as briefly as possible. Although I’m completely overwhelmed, I imagine my plight is something you encounter often. I’m exceptionally analytical/logical. I’ve always held an unwavering, firm footing in atheism. I was raised by atheists. Not agnostics - die-hard, science-based atheists. There has never been any room in my life for a loving God. I couldn’t even spit the word out until a couple weeks ago. Very recently, four weeks ago, I experienced a seismic shift that rocked my foundation to the core, causing ripple effects that have been all-encompassing. Despite my hard-core efforts to explain what has been happening logically and rationally (I was blood tested, saw my internist, talked with a psychiatrist, and argued to near-death about the impossibility), I now know, fully accept, and love that God has found me. I’m overwhelmed, grateful, and confused. I’m spending hours a day immersing myself in reading and discovery.

Nothing has ever felt so right. I have many physical experiences of direct relationship, periods of intense clarity, happiness like I’ve never experienced, and a new desire to be the best person I can and to use this unconditional love to achieve God’s Will, when I figure out what that is. But this is a lot to handle, coming from my flame-throwing, intolerant, atheist past. I’ve changed more in one month than I thought humanly possible. I am consumed with this new relationship, of which my family knows nothing. Just as there was nothing anyone could have said to make me a believer, there’s nothing I can tell my family to convince them of what I am experiencing. I will know when the time is right to share with them, but not yet. Here’s the thing; I’m working so hard, learning how to get out of my head and listen to my heart. But accepting Christ as my savior seems like all of a sudden accepting Greek mythology as fact. I’m trying so hard. The word “faith” has never even been in my vocabulary. But I’ve come to accept on faith that God’s arrival in my life was supernatural. This is huge for me. But I seriously need help. I am someone who researches and seeks understanding. I want to talk with you desperately. I’ve listened to you online so I feel connected to you and wish it to be you with whom I speak. I called your office trying to schedule a meeting, but I understand that you’re a busy guy. I’ve had conflicts that prevented attending your past three services, but will attend ASAP. Please help. Sincerely, Jennifer Duke

5/3/12 Accepting God is a huge paradigm shift in my view of the world. Each day I recognize another facet of my life that needs re-examining through this new filter. Evolution, death, faith, predestination, the purpose of human existence, energy, reincarnation, hell… I have random moments when some new aspect comes into focus while I’m grocery shopping or cooking, working, or just anytime. And it’s “Oh, wow, here’s something else I must re-examine.” Will I be able to cope? I need to figure out if my inability to grasp it all at once will inhibit my success in establishing a deep relationship with God. Whenever I experience this new joy and love without interference from logic and doubts, that’s a victory. 5/5/12 After periods without feeling the connection to God, doubts begin to creep in again. I panic that my own negative thoughts are interfering. When I contemplate the scope of what faith means - of all that I’m trying to embrace - and when I ever-so-briefly really grasp the concept, I’m overwhelmed by awe. Is it really possible? When I’m in that Presence, I know its truth. But after periods without the connection, the doubts creep back in. 5/6/12

Frustrated. Like a yo-yo, faith-doubt, faith-doubt… 5/8/12 The sense of a “real relationship” with God feels lost at times. I crave His help to keep me present in His love. I know I must relax and allow Him to guide me. I must stop struggling so hard to take responsibility for the relationship. It’s out of my hands. I must trust and simply listen. But listening to nothing freaks me out - it makes me nervous and causes me to overthink. It’s a vicious cycle that may continue until I can get a grip on all of this. Per Mike, I’ve started reading Mark. I listened to Mike’s message from 4/5/09, “The Supernatural, Experiencing God.” Here’s my take... ”Holy crap, I get to cooperate, not initiate!” If my role is to cooperate rather than initiate, it removes a lot of pressure - the feeling that “I” must make it all work. It’s apparently not in my hands, but His. I’m so used to taking personal responsibility for my growth, relying on personal will power, effort, and determination without calling on any outside sources of support. Mike’s message from the 4th allowed me to contemplate the possibility that I may not be able to take responsibility for “creating” these changes at all. Which is kind of a “wow” moment for a loner like me. These events have definitely created a deep desire to change, but the change isn’t even in my hands. I must follow, not struggle to lead. I can “let go,” so to speak, and just listen more, and follow God’s will. If this is true - how amazingly comforting! I’ve been terrified by the depth of the responsibility to make this work. That He began it, and that He will carry it on, would be a huge relief.

Call me dense - old habits die hard. But I’m not “hearing” what it is that I’m supposed to do with all of this. What should I be fixing about myself? Or doing for God? I have zero clarity about it. Am I expecting too much, too soon? This is when I freak and struggle, 5/10/12 Why would God seek me out and initiate a relationship and make me so happy, and then disappear? It’s been an entire week since I’ve felt His presence. I’m scared, questioning, disappointed and frustrated. I’m trying to relax and appreciate that I’m on God’s time, and wait for Him to guide me. I’m asking for help to relax, for patience, and to understand His will. I express my complete joy in the relationship and my deep gratitude for His love. And I try to avoid over-analyzing. 7/4/12 Three months in - same struggle as always - faith versus doubt. Why does this keep happening? So disappointing. My education and my home environment created stories where God was an impossibility. But my present experiences are telling me otherwise. When I’m immersed in the loving energy, the old stories dissolve. Unfortunately, logic is putting up a grand fight. At least I’ve learned I’m in good company. This helps. There are many saints who’ve faced periods of great doubt.

Not that I’m like them, but it’s comforting to know that what I’m experiencing isn’t unusual. In fact, very high spiritual souls have endured periods of doubt. After Mother Teresa faced a dark period of doubt, she said that doubt has value in God’s eyes when it’s offered to Him with love, and that it teaches patience, devotion, and faith. There it is. Doubt teaches faith when we battle and overcome it. 8/1/12 I sat on the patio under the huge tree, sadly doubting again. In the face of such perfection, why do I allow doubts to creep in? I couldn’t dream up this stuff if I wanted to. I have no context even to imagine it. None of it is like me at all. The beautiful experiences are outside of my control. I need confirmation, I prayed for confirmation that this is all real. Within minutes I received an amazing answer. I began to experience the circulating chakra energy - strong, blissful, energizing, intensely peaceful and perfect. It lasted for a while, and before it left I found myself weeping with gratitude for the perfection of that love. This is so different from anything my previous life ever held. It’s certainly not self-initiated. My old stories interfere.

10/28/12 During the nights my mind often goes into overdrive. I’m exhausted from so little sleep, and from half a year of continuously trying to understand something so completely beyond the understandable. How beaten-up and exhausted will I have to become from trying to understand before I can accept a hundred percent? I think the lesson is to give up the struggle and accept what I know.

4: The Pastor h I was trying to accept experiences that seemed as ridiculous as fairy tales for the first half-century of my life and I turned to Pastor Mike for help. At roughly the time my spiritual journey began, Pastor Mike started a series of online presentations about accepting God in our lives. When Elaine mentioned them to me as a possible resource, I listened to several and felt that Mike was someone I should ask for help. His words seemed to speak directly to me, and he was located just fifteen minutes away. Perfect. Making the initial phone call to him was an enormous step, a public declaration that this was actually happening, and that I was really bringing God into my life after fifty years of intolerantly judging others for doing the same thing. But my Soul call, and the experiential nature of my journey, empowered me to take this step. The final outcome of our occasional meetings wasn’t what I expected. In time, I came to understand that my path is different than the pastor’s. But it would take time to find that clarity, to discover my own voice and the confidence to understand “with a sure inner knowing” what I was experiencing. At this point in the journal, I’ll share our initial conversations. 5/7/12 I called Mike’s office and was told that he was booked for the next six weeks, but that if I emailed him, he might be able

to work something out. (Email from 5/3/12 shown earlier.) He promptly replied that he would see me in three days, on Monday at 5 p.m. Today is Monday. Meeting with Mike today was monumental and exciting. As a jumping-off point for our discussion, we referenced his sermon of 4/29, “The Power of Conversion,” the third in a series directed toward newcomers. I’d listened to it several times, and it felt as if his eyes are burning into me and he was speaking to me very directly. The topic was entering into a covenant with God - what it means and how it happens. I haven’t been able to buy into everything that Mike conveys. I’m having difficulty with his claim that Jesus is the only way to access God. But I believe that God sought me out, and that I’m in covenant with Him. I understand that I’m a work in progress, that I’ll be guided by God forever. But I panic when the doubts creep in, during those periods when I’m not able to feel His presence. I fear that I’ve misconstrued what all of this is, and that it might not be real. Yet when I’m experiencing that presence, clarity, and energetic love, it all feels so right - impossible to conjure on my own, and more real than anything else. I feel that I’m being accepted for my original, natural self, as I was when I was young, without all my adult pretenses and defense mechanisms. My passion for God is growing. I definitely want this. I’m spending lots of time processing, reading, thinking, discussing...

At one of our meetings Mike shared a strong religious moment that he experienced when he was eighteen. He spoke of a passage in the Bible that says, essentially, “Your body is no longer your own.” Meaning “you serve Me now.” Mike recognized in that youthful moment that he was being asked to give up some personal freedom for the sake of doing God’s will. The passage was subtle, and I was concerned that I might miss some of the meanings while reading on my own. But Mike reassured me not to worry, that I will get what I’m supposed to, when I’m supposed to. Not everything has to be evident all at once. He said I don’t need to buy into everything right away, better that I read, research, and educate myself. This relieved a lot of the pressure and concern that my inability to wrap my head around these experiences all at once would mean failure in this pursuit. I’m beginning to understand that this relationship isn’t about me. It’s about learning to understand God’s will and to serve Him. I realize also that even though I treasure the moments immersed in His love, I must move on toward understanding what I’m supposed to be doing about it all. Mike said more than once that what I’m experiencing is definitely beyond the average. God has a purpose for me, for sure. He asked me to read Born Again by Chuck Colson, and the Gospels in this order: Mark, Mathew, Luke, the Acts, and John. Discussed hell.

5/11/12 Many people are telling me to RELAX - even Pastor Mike, who sent a kind email emphasizing this need. A portion of the email... “No one can come to Him unless His Father is drawing them” and it seems clear that He IS drawing you. That hunger in your heart for Him is evidence of that. He will answer - but it will be in the way that’s the very best for you to learn and in His time (which is always the perfect time).” So I press on, trying with every fiber of my being to relax... How relaxing does that sound? (Catch 22.) 5/12/12 I watched Lee Strobel’s videos, “A Case for God” and “A Case for Faith.” 5/13/12 My reading list grows. I’m reading tons of books, and inklings of trust are sneaking into my heart. 5/16/12 Until today I had no idea why my journey began as it did, with such massive experiences of beautiful energy. While talking with a friend today, I think I’ve realized the reason behind my very physical “initiation.”

We discussed how difficult it is for me to let go of logic and analysis, and accept a complete shift in my understanding of the universe. The analytical side is my limiting factor. This journey must be based in faith, not the intellect. This is why God chose to communicate with me through a physical experience. When I wasn’t willing to consider something that I didn’t understand, He really got my attention. I couldn’t deny that the physical experiences were occurring, and that they were beyond my control, enormous and new. Their power forced me to stop in my tracks and question. With each perfect physical experience came deepening faith and trust. Each beautiful immersion in so much profound joy helps me accept that this isn’t originating in me. I’ve felt guilty about sharing my story with others when I’ve not yet told Mel, but I’m learning to trust my heart. My heart is clearly telling me it’s not yet time. I wish to share it. Soon. 5/19/12 Today I attended a church service by myself for the first time in my life. It was Mike’s Saturday evening service, the next in the series that spoke to me so directly from day one of my journey. What was most difficult for me was deciding to attend. Once I’d committed, getting there and listening was no big deal. There was no great anxiety, “Oh my God, I’m at a church service.” I came away with this: I believe I’m experiencing this journey,

this relationship with God, so profoundly and so personally, that attending a service couldn’t come close to the private moments when I’m experiencing His presence within. I left the service feeling that it was something I didn’t really need to repeat. Another takeaway from the service: Most of what Mike said felt completely right and obvious to me. Everything about my journey so far feels so right, it’s as if there’s an inner familiarity with it in my heart, I don’t need to be told. I saw others taking notes, but felt no need. The understanding already resides in my heart. I’ve sometimes worried that my memory is poor. Yet no effort has been required to remember. My experiences feel like the true essence of “me,” as I’m meant to be when I’m at my best. This relationship is making me into, and allowing me to be the person I am meant to be. I understand that it may not always be easy, that God may ask me to grow in ways that feel challenging. Yet I know in my heart that even this is as it should be. I’m eager to figure out what God wants me to accomplish. I’ve long known that I’m able and meant to do more with my life. Now I must figure out what it is. Earlier, the most important thing in my life was raising my children. Now it’s time to help somewhere else. I don’t yet know what that means. Praying and turning to a Higher Power for help and guidance is new to me and doesn’t yet feel natural - it’s even slightly hard to believe. I haven’t yet really begun to test this aspect of the relationship with the Divine. So far in my prayers I’ve only asked for two things: that God

receive and feel the intense love I have to share, and for help letting go of my need to understand with logic and analysis. I want to rest in faith alone. But faith is so new - I need help strengthening it. This is my struggle. I do recognize how much I’ve changed already. This journey began just six weeks ago, and my friends keep reminding me how far I’ve come, so quickly. I need to relax and be kinder to myself and allow the understanding to unfold. But it’s tough. The struggle remains: logic versus faith. Ultimately, it’s a conflict between the ego and the inner, higher consciousness. 5/20/12 I awoke today sensing a shift within myself toward a deepening faith. The changes are so subtle, but they’re becoming clearer. I’m not accustomed to listening to my body and spirit. I’m used to forging ahead and accomplishing by sheer will power and determination. But I’m beginning to attune to something deeper. I awoke today recognizing a deepening ability to trust God’s guidance and timing. Though subtle, the change feels both intuitive and very clear. I know, and can openly say, “God has established a relationship within me, and from the inside out I’m changing.” God is speaking to me, and I’m learning to listen. Received with my new faith, His guidance is very clear. In the past, I would have ignored these thoughts and probably wouldn’t have even noticed them.

I hear myself saying these things, and I absolutely recognize how religious I sound, and how offensive it would have been very recently. If I had heard anyone else say these things, I would have judged them weak, in need of false support, and foolish to believe in such fantasies. I’ve been gushing about my new joy and my deepening trust and expanding faith so much that I want to revisit where I was as recently as a month ago. Last month I would have SWORN that faith in anything larger than myself was based on false hopes and made-up stories, tools conjured to control the masses, something that only the weak would turn to, a crutch in time of stress, tools used to exploit others to gain power, money and control. While most of it still goes against my old, learned, academic stories, I’m beginning to find interpretations that work for me. Or, more accurately, whenever I can’t accept certain things based on reason, I’m beginning to accept them on faith. The faith that I’m leaning on has been forged during my personal, inner experiences of union with the Divine. I trust these experiences; they feel right, blissful, and perfect. At this point, I know that the experiences don’t originate in my mind - I haven’t made them up, and I’m not crazy - I couldn’t have made them up even if I wanted to. They are gifts from the Divine. Everything about the journey so far feels right, as if there’s a rightness in my heart that’s providing the strength and faith to move forward. Everything the pastor shares with me is already present and understood inwardly. I understand that the relationship is not about me, that it’s about Him helping

me so that I can serve His will. And I understand that all of this is allowing me to become the person I’m meant to be. These things are all very clear and obvious in my heart. God knows me well enough to deliver His messages to me in the ways He knows I’ll take note. He knew that physical manifestations would speak to me, because my head was full of doubts. As the journey evolves, I’m beginning to recognize an ability to receive His messages intuitively, in my heart. 5/21/12 I keep asking God for a clearer understanding of His will. I woke up today with a new, strong, exciting thought. I’m not sure where I’m supposed to go with it, but I’m listening. I had some clear thoughts about writing, about scary risk, and the possibility of expressing all of these things publicly, even if it means I’ll face the torment of persecution. But I feel up to it and I look forward to paying attention going forward, and to seeing where this goes. 5/25/12 Hello Mike, I return to you having read the Gospels, as you suggested. I’m not sure I’ll be able to articulate what I took away, but I’ll try. Your suggestion to read them was great. Reading them calmed my anxiety about this journey. I came to God not by hearing about Christ, but by feeling something (His presence) inside me. I had

NO understanding of its source. After immersing myself in the Gospels, my comfort to discuss the subject has dramatically increased simply because I’ve been saturated in it. It’s no longer foreign vocabulary. I’m no longer freaked-out by saying the words or holding a Bible in my hands. Everything I’m reading feels so right, as if I already owned the knowledge in my heart without needing to be told - as if I had already felt His words to be true, without requiring an explanation of their meaning. . When I last contacted you, I was completely confused about the distinction between Jesus and God, and with whom I was entering a relationship. Now I understand the power and significance behind the resurrection. I understand the relationship between Jesus and God, and mine to them. I also understand that Jesus’ living presence in me is not about myself, but about Him guiding me so that I can serve His will. I am becoming the person I am meant to be, my best me. My experiences in His presence are so powerfully right that sometimes I can lean on the greatness of those experiences to carry me faithfully through the times when I revert to my need for logical explanations. Through experiencing His presence, I’m developing faith. Developing faith inside myself is incredibly new and awesome. I want to rely upon this, trust in it, and develop stronger faith to move forward in this journey. I understand that I must receive the living Spirit of Christ inside myself through faith. However, as right as this all feels, I’m struggling more and more. This is still so new for me that I don’t have enough experience of His presence to carry me on faith completely. My faith is not yet strong enough to overcome the long periods without His presence, and in His absence, I struggle. I try to connect through reading, praying, thinking, and I DO try to relax. But I want this so badly. I yearn to discuss it, to immerse

myself in it, to grow in it. I crave it. In His absence, I begin to doubt, to wonder if I’ve just conjured up all of this. I’m trying to complete this enormous life shift based on what I feel in my heart. I try so hard to just “listen” but end up questioning everything, allowing doubts to enter. I “think” my knowledge of Him only comes through His self-revelation. And it’s killing me, not understanding why He’s not revealing more to me. Why is He leaving me struggling without confirmation that this is real, that I’m not crazy? Why doesn’t He provide me something more upon which I can develop faith? It seems like an awful lot to expect me to change from atheism to complete faith with so little proof. I go for many days at a time with no support. It’s frustrating, challenging, and mostly confusing. Maybe since it all began so intensely, multiple times daily and with serious intensity, my expectations are too great? But the reduction to so little has left me confused about everything. I attended church service for myself for the very first time in my life. (Your service on 5/20.) I took away this: I believe I’m experiencing this journey so profoundly and personally that attending a service didn’t come close to the private moments when I’m experiencing God’s presence internally. (Though recently, few and far between.) I left the service feeling it was something that for now I’d prefer to bypass, instead experiencing your podcasts online when I can contemplate your words at home. But coming to your service was another way I tried to connect. I want to share one other very confusing aspect of my journey. I was talking with a close friend whom I’ve known and respected for over twenty years. She’s definitely not subject to delusions or psychosis. About an hour into our discussion, she began to cry, telling me she was literally looking at Jesus who was talking in my ear, trying to calm me, telling me everything’s okay, and to trust. THIS is more than I know how to process. And if I didn’t have a respectful

history with my friend, I’d think she was nuts. So, Mike, this is where I stand: Dazed, confused, excited, overwhelmed, and joyful. I wanted to get back to you after reading your assignment. I’ve had a tough time getting my hands on Colson’s book, but it should arrive any day now. I’m processing as much as I can, trying to make heads or tails of all of this, while also trying to heed everyone’s advice to relax and allow it to unfold in God’s time. Sooooo, what now??? Fondly and with appreciation for your time. Jennifer

h I address the significant issue of whether or not we are sinners (next entry) in more detail on 8/26/14. As my inner knowing deepened, I eventually diverged completely from the dogmas of the church. The deepening awareness of that divergence was critical to my personal spiritual progress. 5/27/12 Good morning again Mike, After sending my “Response to the Gospels” email yesterday, I listened to another of your podcasts (8/07/05, “Two-Way Communication,” and your second driving ticket, which directly related to everything I wrote about. It was helpful to hear testimony about “how” God communicates. I think He’s spoken to me in more ways than I’ve realized, but I didn’t attribute the messages to Him. I certainly meet the criteria as someone He’d talk to. I’m a sinner, I feel total surrender, and I’m seeking Him with all my heart.

Then you addressed the principle of time; how God doesn’t always speak on our timetable, sometimes leaving us alone when we believe we want Him most. You emphasized that growth often happens when He intentionally is silent, leaving us confused, or making us surrender. This is exactly what I expressed to you in yesterday’s email. Is His silence meant to force my faith to grow through my yearning? I just don’t understand why He’s making me go from zero to fifty in three seconds. Am I supposed to believe suddenly and completely, after a lifetime on a different path? I have so little experience with Him. I’m stressed trying to change so dramatically, based on so little. I need more help developing faith that this relationship is real and living. Then I feel guilty about questioning and I wonder if I’m deserving. Through His silence, is He forcing me to develop the courage to follow? I’m stressing out. Is the fact that I’m feeling and expressing a lack of enough faith hindering His desire to help me? I’m so confused. I want this relationship so badly. I’m feeling desperate and seek your advice. I am grateful for your podcasts. Thank you for making them accessible. Although I recognize that they’re meant for everyone, they resonate like private messages written specifically for me. I connect with them more than many things I’ve so far experienced in my quest for understanding. Fondly, Jennifer 5/27/12 I apologize for sending three emails. I’m trying so hard to under-

stand what’s happening and to provide you an accurate expression of where I stand. Where I stand just changed. After sending you email #2, I listened to your message from last week, “The Power of Creation.” For the first time in a while, I felt completely immersed in my relationship with God and in His love. But I battled between analyzing and reminding myself to let go and trust in the incredible rightness of the experience. Short and sweet, I think I must simply place my trust in the feelings of the heart, allowing faith to grow. Not really simple at all, but this is the key, isn’t it? As a human, I will always fall short in my ability to rationalize what is happening. I must stop trying. The struggle is exhausting. I think this is a changing point for me. I hope it is. Fondly, Jennifer 6/15/12 According to Journey of Souls we come back to learn things our souls haven’t yet mastered. Hmmm… 6/20/12 Holy CRAP! It’s 2:00 a.m. – I’m in my dorm room at violin workshop. I was lying in bed, yearning for affirmation from God. Where

has He been? I was virtually pleading for some form of a sign because I’ve been feeling abandoned. I began hearing that tin-like rubber band sound in my head that often comes when I’m immersed in God’s presence. Is this spiritual too? I was flooded with loving energy running intensely throughout my body. Again, I found myself weeping at its perfection, love and strength. I would never have believed a force could so strongly, physically enter me. 6/21/12 Hints of what I’m experiencing pop up in conversations. Today a friend asked me to share about the transition from atheism to faith. I’m often asked about it, and I observe that people are moved by the sincerity and honesty of my story. It’s strange, almost peaceful to witness, like I’m meant to share it. I never offer details unless someone else initiates the conversation. My former atheism leaves me incredibly sensitive to proselytizing. But these conversations often feel meant-to-be. It’s interesting. I sense doubt in some people, and I’m very respectful of that. I can relate to that perspective and feel compassion toward all positions. But I feel comfortable enough in this journey to stand firmly in what I now know to be true. 6/25/12 I’ve noticed that instead of struggling in confusion or becoming over-saturated with fear and doubt, I’m finding time to

meditate or to think about the beautiful experiences I’ve received. I’m noticing I’d rather relax than focus on the discomfort. This is different. And good. For the moment, I need a break. This has been a LOT to take in. It’s still been less than three months. 7/8/12 Mike discusses our responsibility to listen carefully and to follow God’s will. But I’m not hearing God’s will. Where is my direction? What am I supposed to DO with all of this? I believe I must surrender myself in all ways to Him. I “think” this is the next step, to give over my life to Him utterly and completely. But, oh, that’s so hard to do. I’m still confused about the exact nature of all this. Is Jesus part of it? Is it some other form of spirituality? I certainly don’t go for religious doctrine. But through my reading I’m finding that all true spirituality (beyond human dogma) points in various ways toward the same, one, loving, evolved place. 7/12/12 (email to Michael D.) Yesterday I had another meeting with the pastor. I gotta say, he’s very down to earth and approachable, and willing to go honestly anywhere in our discussion. We talked about many things, but one of my primary confusions is knowing where to draw the line now that I’ve accepted so much that I previously thought impossible. His response is that he personally

deals with this by choosing a filter. He obviously chooses the Bible as God’s word, an ultimate filter against which the truthfulness of anything can be tested. I’m left naively confused. I know very little about all of this, whereas this guy, whom I do respect, has been studying it for decades and has a Ph.D. in theology. Can I possibly be right and he’s wrong? But books like Newton’s Journey of Souls resonate with me way more than the Bible. Also, this journey came to me, not vice versa. I didn’t seem to need the Bible to connect to spirituality. My purpose in life was made clear to me without debating the semantics of a book. Using the Bible as an ultimate filter is so complicated and subject to interpretation. The entire “great exchange” concept of Jesus’ resurrection for the easy redemption of all mankind, seems very odd to me. Yet the historical facts behind the writing of the Bible give it some form of validation. I’m not sure what to do with all that. So, anyway, that’s the briefest of updates after “the meeting.” I ordered the book you mentioned. It should be here soon. What I’m really eager for is an appointment I’ve made with an old friend who is connected to the spiritual world and will, I hope, help me process all of this. Okay, you’re updated. Hope all’s well in the windy city. J 7/20/12 I’ve completely surrendered to this change in my life and to

the knowledge that God exists. I’m on an incredible journey of discovery with interspersed moments of insane confusion and awe. I’m doubting less, trusting the journey most of the time. Several things have provided me enough trust to take the leap of faith that God exists. Including: I have a new and passionate internal drive, from the inside out, to believe in God. I want this badly. It feels very good. Something has entered me and it’s telling me this is right and true. I am not conjuring the intense need to pursue this. Something has placed this new, strong desire in me. This drive does not come from my mind but from my heart. Everything about this is positive. I am a better person with this in my life. From the moment this began, its power has evolved me to a higher level, making me more loving. I make different decisions and I treat people differently. I am very different. Ego is replaced by a need to serve. I am more tolerant, less judgmental, more compassionate. It is clear from our discussions that others have experienced the same thing and can describe extremely similar circumstances. I have experienced dramatic, clear messages - not externally audible, but exceptionally clear in my mind and heart. I know these thoughts don’t originate within myself; they’re different from any thoughts I’ve ever had. They aren’t really thoughts, but more like “received” messages that provide clarity about what I’m meant to do. I’ve read a tremendous amount of classical and modern liberal ideas about spirituality, and I’ve discovered that there’s a lot more to the spiritual world than I’d ever been willing to see.

I’ve experienced intense physical manifestations. I become energized, as the unknown energy flows though my body from head to toe, with a subtle feeling of my spinal chakras turning. Sometimes the feelings are accompanied by such intense joy that I end up sobbing. Sometimes it’s so strong, the energy is almost more than I can handle, yet it’s perfect. I am compelled toward this. I have never, ever been interested in spirituality, and I definitely wasn’t seeking these experiences. This has been gifted to me.

Five: Fran, Peru, and Progress h “A success story: Today I had no doubt.” The coming entry for 11/18/12 reflects where I was standing at that point in my journey. My ability to let go of old belief systems that were interfering with my progress was growing. I owned that I was now on a significant journey. As I became more confident in what I knew, I doubted much less. I was less analytical and more faithful, responding more from my heart. As Fran says, “Know what you know. It’s not supposed to be complicated.” Over the years, God inserted Fran into different periods of my journey. She’s a high soul, dedicated to serving as a pure channel for the Divine, and I’m grateful for so much that she has taught me. My first lessons from Fran were about intuition, how to distinguish it from thinking, and how to sense the moment when intuition first begins to guide me. It is the clean, clear moment before human thought interferes, complicating matters. Fran also helped me release my doubts and gain the confidence to trust myself and to “know what I know trust the journey.” You’ll soon hear more about Fran and our shared trek to Peru. God uses people as His instruments. During this period, it was my daughter Emily who lovingly provided the opportunity to meet Fran. 8/5/12 Emily had an acquaintance that she thought I should meet. I

was already scheduled to visit Em this weekend in Denver, so she arranged a breakfast for the three of us. It was a great meeting that we all felt was meant to happen. Emily’s acquaintance, Patti, is a spiritual counselor who believed she could help me in my journey. Patti also gave me contact info for a second spiritual guide named Fran and suggested that I contact her also. Patti told me that she and Fran had very different approaches to supporting people, and that after talking with both of them, I would know intuitively which would best match my goals. I doubted my intuitive abilities! But she was correct. Yesterday was a most amazing day. After speaking with Patti and Fran, I asked Fran for her guidance in my journey. I’m eager for our next conversation. 8/20/12 Today I had my third ninety-minute phone session with Fran. It was a rough call. I really struggled to let go of the old definitions that my ego wants to hang on to. I’m trying so hard, and Fran can be very blunt, direct, and strong. I’m taking time to look at all that’s happening, and I’m awed. Today I sat alone in the park, on the phone with a spiritual guide across the country, trying to shed a lifetime of misinformed beliefs and manifest a complete shift in my paradigm about reality. I’m replacing my old beliefs with what I formerly believed was a ridiculous fantasy. I’m sharing deeply personal stuff with someone I’ve never laid eyes on, as I yearn for union with a God I formerly thought was bogus!

And I just keep moving forward because I want this. Fran is helping me understand how vigilantly I must observe my thoughts. The instant I begin sourcing through the old belief systems that are preventing me from being in the present, I must catch myself. I must be present in what I know NOW. I must stop filtering through the past, and hold no fears about the future. She makes it sound so easy, using the word “just” too often. I want this so badly, and I try so hard. It’s not easy - Fran continually reaffirms that, with practice, it will become easier. 8/24/12 Will leaves for college tomorrow morning. I’m all cried out and have no idea how to endure this final evening. Although I experienced similar pain when Emily left, I did not have spirituality in my life then. The presence of God in my life now doesn’t seem to mean that things will always be comfortable and easy. My brain is on overload. I’m trying to survive, to calm myself and connect with my new spirituality. But having God in my life doesn’t seem to be a cure-all. I’m even wondering if I’m doing something wrong - isn’t God supposed to make this life easier? I feel some slight hesitation, some old chatter in my head that wants to prevent me from letting go of the suffering. There’s a subtle inner thought that says, “Don’t let go.” It’s so difficult to describe. But it’s almost like I’m attached to the pain.

8/25/12 Saying goodbye to Will was tough. If an all-loving Spirit is in my life, why is it so hard for me to connect with it whenever I need help? If spirituality is potentially life-altering, why must I still experience such intense pain?

I think there’s an important answer to this. There are times when we will absolutely suffer. But our suffering can be dramatically reduced and even eliminated as we change how we relate to our outer circumstances, and as we learn to still our ego-directed feelings. Ego deludes us into believing that there are “problems” in our life. Ego has attachments. It likes some things, dislikes others. It has expectations about outcomes and wants certain comforts. When it doesn’t get what it wants it throws a tantrum. Those tantrums look like anger, frustration, disappointment, hurt, and sadness. When we experience these emotions, we can be tempted to feel like victims, like something isn’t fair, like life isn’t giving us what we want or what we feel we deserve. There’s another side to this that can dramatically limit, or even end, our suffering. But this discussion is taking us far from where I stood at this point in the journey, so I will come back to these ideas later. Early September I’m following my intuition, and I’ve accepted Fran’s invitation to come with her on a spiritual trek to Peru. We leave in twelve weeks. I have zero doubt that I’m meant to take this trip. I’m trusting what’s being placed before me.

My family must think I’m nuts. I’ve never met Fran in person. She lives on the other side of the country. I’ve never met the other three people who will join us on the journey. We all come from different parts of the U.S. and we’ll be meeting for the first time at the airport in Lima, Peru. 9/20/12 About five days ago, I woke up knowing that something had shifted again within me. I haven’t made any conscious changes in my thought process; I just woke up knowing that something was different. My journey suddenly feels slightly easier. Stress and doubts have diminished somewhat. 9/21/1 I met again with Pastor Mike today. I was eager to discuss the changes I’ve experienced since we talked three weeks ago. Facing him and discussing my progress forces me to define my own beliefs and solidify where I stand. This time I arrived more confident and unafraid to express those newly formed beliefs, to use my own spiritual vocabulary, and to stand in the conviction of what I know, all in the face of a man whose well-educated understanding contradicts my inner experience. Mike’s precepts and even his concern for my direction felt institutional. Our conversation helped me solidify my own inner knowing. I do not need to follow anyone’s rules. I choose to trust my intuition which is based on personal inner communion. I left knowing that I’m headed in the right direction. Mike’s

concern for my well-being was well-intentioned, and I respect him as a person and honor the depth of his faith. But my experiences aren’t guiding me toward organized religion. Although there are several differences, one stands out in particular: the church places barriers between me and God, and that’s a very big, uncomfortable difference. Mike continually emphasized that according to the church we can never consider ourselves part of God and that we cannot achieve this divine relationship on our own. But I have. In the path of Self-realization we recognize ourselves as part of God, manifested from His Divinity, capable of all things, and inevitably bound to return to oneness with Him. We are not separate from God. We are not made from something outside of Him, but from Him. This feels intuitively right to me. 10/6/12 Last week I visited Terry again. Our meeting was - the only words I can think of are “strangely tweaked.” I was playing games in my head, needing attention, playing victim, caught up in old stories - it felt awful. I was filled with angst and emotion and couldn’t focus properly. My fearful ego was railing against my reawakening freedom. I was more or less aware of this while I was in her office, but I couldn’t articulate it; I just knew that it felt like suffering. My ego-manufactured stories were preventing a positive flow of energetic love. It felt as if I had an agenda of seeking attention rather than simply being present and happy. I can remember times in my life when I’ve felt similarly needy of attention and cemented in discomfort. It hadn’t happened often, but I could remember the feeling, and experienc-

ing it again was not pleasant. I hadn’t felt like this since my spiritual reawakening began. This journey brings peacefulness and ends suffering. I am becoming a wholly different person, no longer stuck in that old garbage. 10/18/12 I’m connecting more and more with the idea that I shouldn’t be working so hard at this. Over-analyzing means falling victim to my old stories. If I want something so bad, the desire itself becomes the story and prevents me from being present and conscious. I simply need to observe the stories and let them pass without over-thinking. I need to remember that I am not my ego-manufactured stories, and instead connect with the true me, the energy-being that observes this outward life. Thoughts come and go, even as my consciousness is all that is constant and real. I must release myself from the delusions of the past. I am not defined by my mistakes, fears, or self-definitions. I am not the events that have happened to me, or the way I was raised, or the things I want but don’t have. I’m none of the stories my mind invents to describe myself. Those are all ego delusions. “I” am consciousness, observing, present. I must be patient with myself and enjoy the journey. I will not fall victim to my past, as my ego would like to lure me into doing. 10/27/12

I’m preparing for the trip to Peru with Fran’s help. I don’t know what’s supposed to come of it, but I know that I must go. I’m learning to trust my intuition. I’m feeling that it’s the essence of my connection with the energetic Self. It’s so obvious when it happens, so beautiful, so clear. 11/3/12 I’ve been experiencing electric jolts in my upper body, chest, and head for a couple of weeks now. Sometimes they are so sudden and powerful that they shock me awake. If I’m already awake, they make me completely lose my focus on whatever I was doing. Two people have told me that it’s my body establishing new hardwiring after a lifetime of dormancy in those particular areas. I haven’t been frightened by the experiences, although they can be dramatic. I understand somehow that they are part of the journey, and good. When I feel a ripple of doubt, I focus on the amazing things I’ve experienced. I no longer energize the doubt ripples by engaging them or creating dialogue with them. I must not engage the ripples. But the struggle continues, darn it. 11/4/12 I’m excited about Peru. I know, intuitively, that it’s what I’m being guided to do. I know this so strongly that it allows me to leave my family, fly alone to Peru to meet a spiritual guide from across the country that I’ve never laid eyes on, and place my life completely in her hands. This has come in my life for a reason. I know I must go.

11/16/12 I made huge progress today during my work with Fran. We discussed the intelligence of God’s love: that it’s beyond anything humanly understandable. We discussed death and what it means. Also, the abilities of those who are conscious, including Fran. We talked about the global impact of small individual changes and the vigilance that’s required while observing our thoughts and spoken words. I finally am able to better understand how speaking something manifests it. Words are magnetic. The level of vigilance that’s required is huge, and I’m better able to recognize how it feels when I make mistakes. I am remaining present more often, and understanding why it’s important. Also, I’m understanding that God is available to me as much as to all, and that it’s only my doubts that separate me from Him. I can have all of this if I want it. Any limitations are only in my mind. I also better understand the breadth of Fran’s ability to “work in the energetics.” But I’m still not completely sure where her abilities end. 11/18/12 A success story. Today I had no doubt. I read a wonderful book by Pema Chodron, Taking the Leap, Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears.

11/30/12 I had a great experience this morning. Three days ago, I attended a Reiki session with Barbara Savin. I’m not aware of an “effect” from it, but I’d like to try again. She promised I will experience change. I did find her amazing. I would love to sit and talk with her and learn from her. She was generous, inspirational, and wise. I also appreciate that she understands my story. Before I left, she handed me a meditation CD that has been very helpful. It is helping me manifest the changes I want to see in myself, including letting go of old stories, defining myself differently, rediscovering my inner strength and passion, and strengthening my ability to remain present in divine love. The CD just “works” for me and has guided me through some wonderful meditations. Later in the day… I remember having the Autobiography of a Yogi in my room when I was a teenager. I think I checked it out at the library. I remember how it intrigued me and that I really, really “wanted” to like it. I remember continually looking at it, wishing that I understood. But I just couldn’t get through it. This is a rare memory from my youth. Recently, I read it again and it intuitively “felt” right. Even though some of the miraculous things Yogananda describes are way beyond my ability to process, I have an inner, deep comfort with all of it. I oddly, completely trust Him and feel the truth and sincerity of his words. What I can’t process, I trust in faith and set aside for now. The book helps me un-

derstand myself and my own limitlessness. It helps me aim higher because it redefines what I am. 12/1/12 An excellent week. I’m acknowledging that nothing is random. Discussions, meditation, reading, and most important, experiences in Love – all change me. I understand my power to choose how I spend my energy, and the negative effects of spending energy unwisely, and of accepting others’ negative energy. I’m learning to protect myself from the negative energy of others. I can choose to unplug myself from their negativity, disengaging when necessary. I’m better understanding subtle guidance and how to prevent my human thoughts from interfering. I’m not seeking grand divine gestures; instead I’m noticing all of the subtle life-changing guidance I receive. I’m better understanding the power of prayer, and for the first time in a while I again experienced the crown chakra spinning. It’s pretty amazing. 12/4/12 An unusual day. Two things happened. My letter to Fran will explain them:

Good evening Fran, May I please ask you a question outside of our regularly scheduled time together? I’m trying to process something and I’m so confused. Today I attended a second Reiki session. Two interesting things happened while I was there. Physically, I experienced something new - an energetic wave that began in my stomach, moving up through my throat, into my head and releasing out the top of my head. It was obvious, undeniable, foreign, but undeniably positive. The strong upward flow lasted approximately ten seconds. But my question revolves around the second odd experience during the appointment. Previously, Barbara gave me a guided meditation CD, one of the best I’ve used to help me manifest important changes in my life. Oddly, when I loaded the CD onto my computer, its title changed to “It’s in God’s Hand, Rev. Timothy Wright, Psalm 129; 1-6.” I thought it was strange at the time, but left it at that. Today, I played it right in front of her and showed her the title as it played. Yes, it was her meditation CD and her voice, but the title showing was NOT as she created it. She was, needless to say, surprised. She recorded the CDs herself and mass-produced all of them at the same time. They are all identical, none have the title as listed on my computer. Barbara is convinced this is not a “computer error,” or random, and said that energetically this is nothing complicated or necessarily unusual. It’s a message meant for me from God. Being me...I am skeptical. However, I returned home and looked up

Psalm 129: 1-6 which reads as follows: 139 O Lord, you have searched me and known me! 2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. 3 You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. 4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. 5 You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. I immediately understood the meaning, that we can never be lost from God who knows us completely. That He understands my every thought before I’ve created it, that He is beyond human imagination. I must therefore accept what I now know. So, Fran, I’m asking for your guidance. You know I’m not a literal Bible follower, nor have I ever experienced anything like this. Barbara pointed to a pile of her CDs, all titled as they should be, not as mine is. I’ve searched my home for the original disc she gave me and simply cannot find it! Poof, it’s gone. I’ve also researched Reverend Timothy Wright and am less sure why his name is on the CD. Please share your thoughts. I’m confused about how this happens, how to process it, or what to do with it. I deeply appreciate your time and hope you don’t mind the question.

I’d call you tonight but it’s late out there and I’m not sure how you’ll feel about the imposition outside of our scheduled time. Fondly, Jennifer 12/5/12 Good morning Fran, Today Barbara gave me a second CD on an entirely different topic. Its title, “Empower Your Potential.” I just stuck it in my computer and my computer insists THIS CD’s title is also “It’s in God’s Hand,” Psalm 139: 1-6.” I took it out of the drive and tried again, same outcome! I’m reading this on my computer screen as I write to you. It’s happening right now! A haunting song came up and is playing as I type this. The song, apparently by Sarah McLachlan, is called “Answer” and it essentially says “I will be the answer at the end of the line, I will be there for you in your uncertainty, I will be your solid ground, your balance, it will all be worth it in the end.” The words can certainly be applied to other life circumstances, but they can also absolutely be applied to where we choose to place our faith. I searched my iTunes folder and found the song exists in my music files, yet I most certainly did not pull it up this morning when I installed Barbara’s second CD. I have never seen or heard this haunting song on my computer or played it before. I don’t know where it came from. I stuck another disc of my own in my computer to see if every disc I stick in will do this. Maybe my computer is stuck on some odd setting. But, no, it read exactly as it should. Only the two CDs from

Barbara continue to change titles. Thoughts? I just don’t know how to process this. Fondly, Jennifer Fran’s reply: Jennifer, First of all, don’t think. You have been asking to Know what you know, and here you are getting that confirmation in unexpected ways. Enjoy and delight in the gift you have just been given. Jennifer, don’t get so literal about this. Trying to “process” through analyzing will only cause confusion and get in the way of what you know. Feel/Perceive and then you are clear. Barbara was right-on about this - just accept the gift you were given. It really has nothing to do with religion. The Bible, like so many other books of religion, is a Book of Guidance. If one reads any of them without reading through its religious constructs, one can perceive the High Guidance of the Light in them. The Light will gift a person in many ways. That’s what you were given. As to the psalm, you can attain all that the Light has to give. All you have to do is be. When you are receiving the Reiki, what you are experiencing is simply your energetic body receiving energy and clearing itself. You say it’s foreign, but, in truth, it is not, because you have felt the Pure Energy before. No need to think about this. And, yes, I am available to talk outside your formal call-in

times. And, no, you are not bothering me. That’s what I’m here for just a Guide of Light. Keep moving, chiquita, you’re doing well. Light, Fran I know that many people will find alternate explanations for the events I described above. For fifty years I, too, would have explained them away on rational grounds. But by this point in the journey, I had enough experiences of divine grace that I could accept on faith what I could not understand. I learned to trust my intuition, the inner knowing before the human mind steps in with its ego-created stories of doubt, mistrust, and judgment. Later, I also learned that a measure of progress in our soul’s journey is increasing inner joy. That is what I was experiencing. My new, always increasing inner joy was well more than enough to inspire me forward. The joy was beyond imagination.

Back to the journal: I am SO grateful for all I am being given. Sitting on my bed with my computer, tears streaming down my face, listening to “Answer.” I acknowledge to myself how far I’ve come. Eight months into this journey I am a completely different person. I experience everything through different filters. I interact differently, I make different choices, and I feel happier.

I don’t know if people experience me differently, but I think they do. Interpersonal interactions feel easier. I have more confidence in who and what I am. I’m excited about my trip to Peru in three weeks. No expectations other than I know I’m meant to go. But all of this is still so much more than I can understand. 12/14/12 I’m trying too hard. I’ve received similar input from several people I trust, “Relax - it will happen.” But logic says that if I want to feel more of God’s presence, I must try harder. Otherwise, what will manifest the change? I think the answer is not to try harder but to try less. It’s not self-effort that makes divine things happen. This journey is not in my control. Fears and doubts block grace. How can I be receptive when I’m filling my mind with interference, doing mental gymnastics? As my core beliefs change, as doubts stop interfering, grace can enter and change can happen from the inside. The big computer incident happened when I least expected it. It was offered in its own time, when I was receptive. Self-effort could not have made it happen - I just need to be present, in Love. Mental gymnastics spin stories, spinning me out of the present. I will receive whatever I’m meant to in its own proper

time if I can remain present. KEYS to growth: meditation, prayer, and reading. I’m meditating at least once a day, often twice. The fact that I’m accepting all of these changes astounds me. I’ve come so far. God wasn’t supposed to be possible. Now, the doubt is almost gone. 12/17/12 Peru in ten days. Very excited, though not sure why. 12/17/12 later My mom’s energy-body visited me. I have zero doubt about the experience. It was an intuitive, clear, energetic exchange of information. Weirdly emotionless, just factual. There were no mother-daughter relationship feelings, no emotion flowing from her toward me, just the fact of the experience. It was as clear as day, and undeniable. I said, “I thought you were dead!?” (Pretty lame, I know.) She replied that she was working with the survivors of the Sandy Hook school shooting in Connecticut. At that point, my shock ended the event. I discussed it with Fran. My initial impression - the event had my Mom’s usual lack of compassion toward me. Fran again explained the nature of spiritual beings, and how they have no remnants of their human character. They are simply energy bodies, souls working to evolve skills that need refining

before they can make further spiritual progress. No human attributes need be involved. My mother’s lack of emotion reflected the normal non-attachment of those energy bodies. I believe my mom hoped to demonstrate for me that she was finally learning about compassion. She was showing me that she was helping others. Maybe she came in kindness, to help me have an experience that would expand my faith. In the moment, I definitely knew who she was, shattering all my old, former atheistic stories that “Dead-means-dead!” Every one of the old stories I learned in my youth made it difficult to accept this new spiritual paradigm. Experiencing my mother’s energy body helped me in a small way to accept new truths and a different reality. Her visit was so clear - it was energetic, non-emotional, and communicated a clear message without “words.” I know what I experienced. As Fran would say, it was clear and clean. 12/20/12 Peru in seven days. I’m keeping my outward enthusiasm in check so as not to offend my family with my eagerness to leave right after Christmas. I’m still over-analyzing, but I can recognize it now, and I’m trying to relax. 12/22/12 Endless questions...my mind is on overdrive. I clearly need to struggle less, work less, relax more, and ac-

cept what I know to be true by remaining present and pushing away any old mental bantering habits. I can no longer allow the old crap to interfere with what I now know. Trying to understand the immensity of God only creates mental chaos. But how will my spirituality grow without mental effort? If I was making no effort prior to the appearance of these events in my life, and I continue to make no effort, AKA “just relax,” how can I expect spirituality to deepen in me? Fran’s response to this, “Believing, accepting, ridding yourself of doubt is all that’s required.” Hmm...? that’s it?

h I returned from Peru five days ago. Before my “for-

mal” debriefing with Elaine, she asked me for three adjectives to describe my experience. My reply: “Irritating, overwhelming, and uncomfortable.” I’m sticking with those. I arrived in Peru without expectations. Before the journey I could never have formed accurate mental images of what would unfold. After day one I wanted to go home, and I continued to feel that way for most of the trip. I shared my wish to leave at one point with Fran- she persuaded me to stay. It would have been so easy to return home, but I’m not a quitter. My desire for spiritual growth demanded that I would make a hundred-percent effort. Fran is a tiny, energetic, loving, powerful presence. Together with the journey itself, she pushed buttons that made me deeply uncomfortable. Fran continuously demanded that I express myself spiritually, even when I felt I didn’t know how. And she kept pushing. The questions seemed outside

of my ability to respond, which made me feel disconnected from all that was happening. I simply didn’t know how to respond to her constant question, “What have you got, Jennifer?” Over and over, and over. I had zero idea what “I had” that pertained to where we were. The other woman, Leonie, had a beautiful ability to reach inside herself and express some form of “being present,” whether she was articulating what the energy felt like, sharing subtle perceptions about the energy, talking about the energetic power of Peru, or revealing her inner responses to her constant profound experiences or to her surroundings. My three fellow travelers, aside from Fran, were experiencing the energy of Peru in ways that I seemed incapable of attuning to, until eight days into the journey. On that day, my energetic experience exploded to a new level. Meanwhile, there was the simple fact, I had flown to Peru and was trying my hardest, determined to immerse myself in whatever the opportunity offered. I felt in over my head, pushed out of my comfort zone, alone, confused, and without the vocabulary even to imagine the things I was experiencing - all in a developing country that appeared to balance beauty, poverty, and deep spirituality. I was frustrated with myself. Leonie, Joe, and Ken were experiencing deep energetic connections to the sacred places we visited. They so comfortably accepted our circumstances whether we were standing in a tiny ancient cave, immersed in a wild, sacred ceremony while thunderbolts crashed around us, or engaged in sacred purification ceremonies at Machu Picchu, or in a long quiet, sacred ritual high in the Andes. My companions had no fears or doubts - they were present in the moment, absorbing all that

was being offered. Why had I felt so powerfully guided to take this trip, only to experience zero connection to Peru, while the others were all having profound experiences? Why in the world did I leave my family and fly to another continent for this? Why had I felt so clearly guided to do this? The answer came later: I believe I was there to witness people I respected immersing themselves without hesitation and effortlessly allowing divine energy into their hearts. For it was something they did beautifully. I have absolutely no doubts about the validity and profundity of their experiences to which I was an eyewitness. I recall how we sat face-to-face on the train from Aguas Calientes to Machu Picchu, on an incredibly beautiful route through a rain forest, with native people walking alongside the train tracks through the jungle. We could see the beautiful, snow-covered Andes mountains so close and tall through windows in the train’s roof. The beauty of the jungle, and the people in their brightly colored Peruvian clothing against the dark forest will live forever as a stunning memory. As we gazed in wonder, I had a simple but deeply clear intuitive experience. It felt as if someone was speaking to me, unheard by the others. A clarity was being placed in my mind: I was being shown that my three companions were “respectable” (shades of my massive, old, embarrassing story of judgment), yet they allowed God into their lives. They had respectable jobs, they were mature and intelligent, and they were accepting Grace into their lives. In that moment on the train I felt that I was being guided to stop falling victim to my old stories and my old beliefs that I would be

judged as crazy for believing in God. Those very “respectable” people believed in God. I was being guided gently and beautifully to stop judging others and myself, to let go of old ego constructs about who and what I thought I was, and become something new. I was being taught to trust in faith born of inner experience, rather than attempt to understand something that is beyond all human understanding. Letting go of old constructs is challenging. My ego was doing everything in its power to prevent me from changing. It was throwing the old beliefs in my path - every scared, nervous, doubtful feeling of being incapable of change. But I’d come to Peru with a total commitment and intention to embrace the journey and the possibilities, and to overcome all obstacles. I slowly began to feel Peru. It was so subtle initially that I wasn’t even sure what I was experiencing. “What have you got? What do you know?” Fran would ask us each in turn, over and over, in front of each other, demanding answers. Each time Leonie expressed herself beautifully. And I was grateful for her kindness toward me - she was loving and supportive in ways that were new to me, with perfect, unconditional, impersonal love. Every time Fran asked me, “What have you got?” I wanted to scream. Slowly, with Leonie’s help, I began to recognize that the subtle feelings I was experiencing were the feelings I was chasing. I expected stronger, clearer, more obvious energy - I’ve had such large, energetic experiences in my personal journey, and I thought those were the norm. But I’m realizing that those events are exceptional. What I was experiencing in Peru was exactly what I had sought, but subtle.

And this realization opened a door. On the eighth day I experienced the strong energetic force of Peru. The River We were in the deep, narrow Urubamba River Valley, in the small town of Aguas Calientes. Fran insisted that we sleep at a particular motel, in particular rooms closest to the river. The Urubamba river raged just fifteen feet from our door. If rain expanded the river even slightly, I believe the raging current would have washed our room away. But the old hotel had been there for a long time, so we must have been safer than I felt. I was in bed, lying parallel to the river, fifteen feet from the monstrous flow as it surged over massive boulders. I could feel the thunder of the water vibrating through the floor. Our balcony hung no more than ten feet above the waterline. Fran had made a big deal of the importance of the proximity of these particular rooms to the water, and after that night, I understood why. For hours throughout the night, whether I slept or lay awake, I liken what happened to an energetic solar flare that burst not from the sun but from the river, entering at my feet and flowing up my body, parallel to the current of the river, then exiting my head to reconnect with the river as it continued on its path past the room. The river and I formed a powerful circuit of electricity. We became one. The experience continued uninterrupted all night long. As powerful as it was, it felt like perfection. It felt like love, fulfillment, knowledge, peace, joy. It was both sensual and profoundly perfect. I wanted it to last forever. Thoughts came

and went, riding a flow of consciousness that I wasn’t used to. At Fran’s insistence, I joined everyone for breakfast, but I remained inward, gripped in divine love, my body electrified, not with the same intensity as during the night, but still powerfully. While the others ate, I remained intensely aware of the river only fifty feet from our breakfast table. I sat, eyes closed, unable to eat, talk, or interact. Whatever the others were thinking didn’t matter. I distanced myself in quiet joy. I wanted to be left alone, to remain internally focused. But Fran required me to walk with the others to our next destination. The requirement to interact outwardly dissolved my experience. I was unable to remain in the flow. Most of the trip until Aguas Calientes, and much of it after, was forced participation in sacred ceremonies, some very long, some not. After days of ceremonies at sacred sites all over Peru from Machu Picchu to the high Andes, I finally acclimated to the awkwardness, surrendering to whatever was offered. Through that surrender I was able to create a space of spiritual receptivity. My heart opened and I received more. At Machu Picchu Fran performed one of the last sacred ceremonies on us individually, in full public view, while people walked by. At that point I couldn’t have cared less, so much had happened. By now, a familiarity with the awkward made it all okay. I was saturated in spirituality and ceremony and no longer cared if people watched. Perhaps this was another great gift of the journey, a deepening comfort with everything that I was being given. The purpose of the last ceremony was to release all remnants

of old constructs and old ego stories. I am so hopeful that it worked. Those old stories are no longer my truth. I don’t believe I understand all the riches that came from the trip to Peru. It will take time to process the impact on my life. I feel lighter, more able to let go of outworn patterns. I can sense a new level of release from old self-definitions, and an increased receptivity to Joy and Perfect Love. I feel more committed to this journey and more accepting of its breathtaking scope. Finally, I feel completely open and eager to receive whatever is given. I’m gaining a degree of understanding of what I now possess, including my as-yet largely untapped ability to improve my life and the world around me. I understand and embrace that it isn’t selfish to take time for myself, and to pursue this joy and inner peace; that it will have ripple effects with no known ending. Tonight, as I go to bed I’m eagerly looking forward to any guidance I may receive, without expectations. Happy. I return home in a couple of days. I keep thinking, “Something’s holding me back.” I know there’s more to come. 1/25/13 After I’d processed the trip for a couple of weeks, I called Fran to discuss where I am. This is what I know: I have a much deeper understanding of the distinction between the higher and lower self - the lower, ego-driven, human body container that dies, versus the higher, conscious,

energetic, loving source, part of all creation, the eternal Soul. I understand that my ego interferes with my pure, loving, higher self, and how desperately the ego digs in, trying to prevent its death by constantly throwing obstacles in my way so that it may remain in control. I will progress toward higher consciousness. I understand that my higher Self has always been within me, though subjected throughout my life to a level beneath the ego. But that eternal part of me is part of the Creation Source, loving, pure-intent, enlightened consciousness. This is where I differ from Pastor Mike. I understand what ego means. It is the opposite of unconditional Love. It is our identification with limitations. It is all of the delusions, self-definitions, stories, attachments and identities I apply to myself that separate me from Higher Consciousness. Only these, my own delusions, separate me from God. Again, this is where I couldn’t accept Pastor Mike’s insistence that I am not already a pure spark of Divine Grace. I understand the difference between the feeling of receiving pure guidance and merely “thinking.” True guidance is always clear, obvious, light, unencumbered by doubts, undiluted by thoughts, not heavy or weighed-down in emotion. It comes when I am present in the moment, disengaged from ego’s stories. I’m learning to honor this state, by listening more, remaining quiet more often. I know how it feels to be present in Love. When I lose that inner connection with my higher Self I can source back through my higher experiences as an ever-present repository of visceral reminders.

My experiences of divine love haven’t always been large, like the river in Peru, though they all come from the same inner source. Learning to tune into these subtler energies is equally exciting. I’m realizing that my entry into this journey was unusual in its intensity, and that I can’t expect it always to be delivered in such large ways. This confused me at first - anything less, and I thought I must be doing something wrong. I can now generally let go of my former doubts. I’m more aware of the power and presence of a higher energy. I’m evolving. It has only been ten months. 2/9/13 An inner wall has appeared, manifesting as a visceral feeling of being held back against my will. The feeling is of wanting desperately to be in the Love, but being unable. This confusion is torturing me. Later… Elaine uses hypnosis as part of her marriage and family therapy practice, and she offered to help me dig into this very frustrating block. And while I strongly doubted my susceptibility to hypnosis, I was eager to give it a try. My goal was to figure out how to overcome the inner barrier confronting me. I was shocked to find that I was very susceptible. I found it fascinating that while I was hypnotized, I could carry on a normal conversation. I was alert and my sense of humor was

intact. Someone could walk into the room and have a conversation with me, unaware that I was hypnotized. But I was completely subject to Elaine’s suggestion. While hypnotized, I encountered my wall several times. When it was time to end the session, Elaine asked me to count back from five. I didn’t want to leave this state until she had helped me break down the wall. I wanted so urgently to be free of it, that I refused to come out of the hypnosis! I could feel my own desperation. Elaine told me she’d never had the experience of someone resisting her suggestions so strongly while hypnotized. It was the weirdest thing. 3/13/13 I just looked back at last entry, and lo and behold, THE WALL IS GONE! I haven’t written in a month, and a lot has happened. I so clearly remember the deep frustration and suffering of those encounters with the wall, my own inner creation, and mine to remove. Today I’ve enjoyed an amazing, deep, energetic connection where I’m able to enter and exit for hours, enjoying clarity, peace, and guidance, seemingly at will. The wall was my own fears, doubts, and reservations, and my inhibitions about letting go - all rising up to block my way. I’ve had to redefine my beliefs, and my understanding of the universe and my human form, the purpose of life, the power of prayer, energy, manifestation, and love. Love is the power behind everything, the intelligent love of the Creation Force.

Six: Change

h I have written about the power of direct inner experiences to deepen our faith. The path of Self-realization is based entirely on that kind of true inner experience, and a genuine, personal, inner knowing of our union with the Divine. Self-realization is distinguished from formal religion also by an absence of externally imposed dogmas and rules that only separate our souls from God. I’ll offer further explanations as we go along, since these distinctions played important role in my conversations with the Pastor. The core of Self-realization is direct, inner, experiential communion with Truth. Faith is not based on belief - on what we’re told - but on personal experience. Every moment in inner communion is a personal gift from God Himself. These moments of God-connection are cumulative, each building upon the next, deepening our inner knowing, changing our hearts forever. The next few days held such a power of inner transformation. The moments I am about to describe were so profoundly filled with Love that they forged a foundation upon which a lifetime of unconditional faith will be based forever. I’ve since felt as if my heart would explode with joy at the knowing of all I am, and my ever-present relationship with God. Owning these truths with all my heart became a significant turning point in my journey. It was a clear marker in my life, separating the years before and after those next few days. There was another important influence in my growing understanding and my ability to change myself. Several months ago, I read Autobiography of a Yogi by the great Self-realized 91

master Paramhansa Yogananda. This is one of the greatest spiritual books of the last century. It has been read by millions and was the only book that Steve Jobs kept on his iPad. The book is equivalent in its importance as if Christ, Buddha, or Krishna had written their own lives. It is saturated with a vibratory power to reach into the reader’s soul. And it immediately became an important influence on my growing understanding and my ability to change myself. As I read, I could feel the sincerity and truth of Yogananda’s words - a subtle, divine energy ran through my body and my thoughts, expanding my consciousness as I pored over his words. His words laid a foundational understanding of the limitlessness nature of my soul and guided me to aim higher. No longer would I aspire to be merely a good human being. I aspire to be what he is. From reading his autobiography, I realized my Soul’s unlimited potential, and as I read, everything that I’ve experienced came together in my understanding. Two amazing things happened. I called Elaine just as she was walking into a prayer session with seven people. She told me they would pray for me. At this point, I was completely unfamiliar with the power of group prayer. Over the next half hour, as they applied their prayers to me, I experienced an inexplicable deep love and an intense energy. I felt so much loving energy flowing through me that I realized at one point it was almost more than I could physically endure. In that moment I somehow intuitively understood that I, too, must serve as a channel and allow that love to flow through me to others.

I felt guided to channel that love to people in prison, and I realized that I intuitively understood how. It was simply a matter of forming a deliberate intention and applying my will. Serving as a channel for such intense love moved me beyond all description. Bliss entered me, and an even stronger, more perfect bliss flowed out as I served others. It was one of the strongest connections with God of my journey - until an hour later. A defining moment I was never willing to or comfortable to pray aloud before others. I’m still just ten months from being an intolerant atheist. But yesterday my relationship with prayer changed forever. Elaine called after her prayer session while I was still immersed in the joy of being prayed for. When I described what happened, her familiarity with the power of group prayer left her not at all surprised by the depth of what I experienced. Just as I had felt on the first day of my journey, I again felt a deep longing to hear prayers spoken aloud. I KNOW - how “not me” is that! Yet I yearned to hear the words spoken aloud. And here once again, by God’s grace, was Elaine, ready to serve. I asked if she would please pray over the phone so that I could listen. SO weird for me, yes. But I longed to hear the words, all the while divine loving energy was flowing strongly through my body.

Elaine beautifully, gracefully, and quietly spoke to me and to God with extended prayers of gratitude. It felt as if she was perfectly demonstrating for me what prayer looks like. I felt every word she spoke. My body resonated with the energy of the words. I went deeper and deeper inward to a place where I was connected with God alone, even more deeply than the experiences of the past few hours. My entire body was being continuously flooded with bliss. Knowing my history, and understanding my journey, Elaine somehow knew exactly how to offer her support. I knew in my heart that it was time for me to pray aloud in front of someone else and express my gratitude for all that has happened and all that I have received. It was a momentous instant in time. By this act, I was overcoming a lifetime of inhibition, vulnerability, fear, doubt, and atheism. I felt a courage rise in me, and an inner knowing of what I wanted to do. I prepared myself to demonstrate the depth of my new faith. The demonstration would be an offering for God. Accompanied by an overwhelming feeling of peace, the perfect words slowly presented themselves in an astonishingly beautiful moment of self-offering and gratitude. Elaine and I were both in tears as I spoke and as we felt God’s presence, such deep Love flowing through us as one. We were sharing a profoundly connected energetic experience as if God was both in the room with me and simultaneously with Elaine in her home. We were all one in a circuit of energy, sharing one experience. It’s hard to articulate, but it was so stunningly perfect. I spoke what I felt was the most beautiful prayer. It came

to me simply, slowly in utter profound joy. Elaine sobbed, I sobbed, both of us recognizing the Divinity of the moment. It was the best feeling I have ever had. I offered myself to God. I surrendered. For several hours afterward, I sank farther into God’s love until I was in a different reality. When we discussed it the next day, Elaine told me that she had clearly felt the depth of our shared connection to Him. She knew that she was being divinely guided in her prayers for me. It was perfect, an amazingly intimate moment with God. All of this happened during a three-week seclusion that I took while Mel was out of town. I had planned a full schedule to take advantage of the time alone, but God planned otherwise for me. Nothing is random. The very morning Mel left, I was injured, requiring that I convalesce at home. I immediately understood intuitively that this period would have a different purpose - it would be a spiritual seclusion. The time alone quickly became an intense period of meditation and inner guidance, including the experiences I’ve described above. I was aware of what was happening, that I was being provided amazing divine gifts. I also knew that the intensity of these weeks would ease, and that I would emerge a different person, in time for Mel’s return. And that is precisely what happened. It was during these weeks that my true, unshakable foundation of faith arrived. I believe that God offered me this time alone, with the grand experiences of these past three weeks, knowing that I needed them to solidify my faith. The experiences were indeed so large that I emerged from the seclusion with an unques-

tionable faith that God was driving my journey. When Mel returned, unbeknownst to him, I was a very different person. Happier, more peaceful, and completely faithful. 3/20/13 Good morning Fran, Thank you for your concern. The last time we spoke I wasn’t positive which path was carrying me forward. So I’ve been working quietly, waiting for a clearer understanding before answering you. Now I’m ready to answer your question about where I stand. One or two weeks ago, I finally lost all doubt. Without hesitation, I’m able to feel and express a complete trust in this journey. I see every challenge as an opportunity, and I trust that I’m being shown exactly that which will help me, even when “that” is difficult. Somewhere within myself I must have always known the truth. But adjusting my view of God’s existence from science fiction to reality has been exceptionally difficult. It’s taken me almost a full year to reach this point. And I can say now, faith without doubt feels so much better. My mind has stopped its overdrive performances. I’m more relaxed, and certainly happier. The comfort and conviction with which I’m now able to express my beliefs is stunning even to me. All is well. The path that I’m traveling has diverged from that which you presented me. I’m focusing on the path of Self-realization, based on the teachings of Paramhansa Yogananda, meditation, and yoga. I’m receiving help at Ananda Los Angeles, and I continue my discussions with those who challenge me, including the Pastor. These conversations help solidify my own convictions.

I seem to be on a clear path at the moment. I trust that these mentors have been placed in my journey. I remain deeply appreciative of your support. I value your insight and wish to remain in contact with you in the long run, if this is okay with you. For the moment, I believe I’m being presented an alternate path toward enlightenment that I am meant to follow. Whatever your thoughts, I remain a trusting listener to you. Very Fondly, Jennifer I continue to seek support from various sources as I roundout my spiritual path. I’m meeting periodically with Pastor Mike, as well as with a chaplain who’s not affiliated with a particular church. Also with Purusha, a deep soul to whom I periodically turn for guidance. I’m listening to them all but reaching my own conclusions. I’m finding that testing my beliefs against those who may disagree strengthens my convictions. I’m now even able to face my friend, the Pastor, and stand in my own inner truth, in the face of his educated opinions. Although I respect him deeply and appreciate the kindness he’s shown me in the past year, I know in my heart that his Ph.D. in theology and his lifelong commitment to his religion haven’t made him more knowledgeable than me when it comes to my personal journey. I’m so much more relaxed, and considerably more joyful. I love the journey, and I’m able to accept that everything I encounter on my path is exactly as it needs to be, and that the challenges represent beautiful opportunities. All is wonderful.

5/6/2013 All doubt is gone. I’ve experienced too much to question the existence of a higher source anymore. I understand now that everything comes from Higher Truth - from perfect, intelligent Love. Love; Everything is Energetic Love. I’ve been shown this Love many times in many ways. In the best moments of the journey, I’ve experienced the deepest, most profound energetic love that was almost beyond my physical ability to bear. It isn’t self-generated or imagined, and its joy feels beyond explanation. It’s like a natural drug that’s impelling me forward on my journey. I cannot understand how people can develop faith without experiencing these events. I still believe that faith is blind unless we can experience Truth for ourselves internally. I know it’s taken these experiences for me to build my own faithful foundation, and to trust that I wasn’t mistaken or simply imagining God’s reality. I want more, but I understand that I’m being given exactly what my body can handle. This morning was amazing. It began with energetic feelings that were much more intense than usual. And they were completely unsolicited – I wasn’t even meditating. They just suddenly happened so strongly, similar to the day I experienced the power of group prayer. It made me wonder if someone was praying for me. I clearly understood while receiving such large amounts of energy, that I must channel this love to the world. Today I

felt guided to channel that love to the three pilots of the 911 flights, who I imagined were in spiritual rehab, wherever their souls might be. I sent them love, demonstrating its strength and healing power. (Wow, I sound like a fanatic!) But this stuff just…happens.) 6/7/13 A gift received. Dear Jennifer, I was thinking more about your question of who you should go to, as Narayan and I go to Swamiji. It is sort of awkward to say, but that is what he asked of us as colony leaders of Ananda LA – to be the purest possible channels for Yogananda for the people of Los Angeles. Everyone will obviously go to whomever they feel most drawn. It seems that you feel comfortable with us, and we certainly love connecting with you. So even though we are young and perhaps less experienced than some at Ananda, this is what Swamiji saw for us, and we accept the role gratefully, with honor and humility. Thank you for helping me to get clearer on all this through our conversation! :) Lots of Love, Dharmadevi 6/7/13 Dharmadevi, I would love nothing more than to come to you and Narayan. I have thought of this many times, not knowing if it was

appropriate to ask. I feel drawn to you both, energetically and as a friend. And I would be honored by your support. After reading your email, I wanted to grab the phone to call and thank you. But for the moment, I’m laughing to myself, concerned that I’d not know what to say in my overwhelming “happy” that you are willing to support me. I have no idea exactly what this will mean. I can only imagine a deep, wonderful and respectful relationship. Thank you both. I feel incredibly lucky. (Although I imagine luck has nothing to do with this!) With all my love, deep appreciation and gratitude, Jennifer 6/20/13 Dear Jennifer, I’m glad that you had the opportunity to meet Shivani and enjoyed her class. She shares great enthusiasm and devotion. Being with her is inspiring. What did she say at the end that threw you for a loop? The “It may take more than one life” thing? You will find God in this life, or be propelled shortly thereafter to final union. Your desire for God must be fulfilled – it’s the divine law. Do you remember the story of the guru who was telling his disciples, “You’ll have three more lives until you find God, and you’ll have ten lives?” Finally, he came to his most advanced disciple, a humble, sincere, deeply devoted man and He said, “You’ll have 359 lives until you find God.” The other disciples gasped to think

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that such an advanced disciple would still have so far to go. But the humble chief disciple got up and ran outside and began dancing in the street in ecstasy. The other disciples followed him and asked, “Brother didn’t you hear the Master? You have 359 lives still to live!” “Yes!” the humble disciple replied, “Didn’t you hear the Master? He said that I will find God!” He didn’t care how long it might take – he was already living beyond time with God in the eternal Now. The Master then came out and touched him on the forehead, whereupon he went into samadhi. The Master turned to the other disciples and said, “I wanted to show you the true attitude of a disciple.” As Yogananda said, “Don’t say When? ‘When will I have God?’ Say ‘I have him right now!’” In other words, act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic. Act like you are en theos (one with God) and you’ll be there. Don’t push Him away, asking “When? When?” Say, “NOW NOW NOW, AUM, AUM, AUM!” Here are some suggestions that I hope will help: 1) Relax: breathe, smile, laugh (watch a funny movie - bring in some levity). 2) Memorize Yogananda’s poem “Samadhi.” 3) Next time you’re here, let’s chant “Divine Love Sorrows.” You know you can’t do it alone. Hari bol! As Yogananda said, it takes “very, very, VERY good karma even to want to know God.” You want help - you have it. Call us. Write to us. Keep calling Master. Write to him. Keep calling him. Even though you may not get an answer, know that you are not alone!

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Remember the story of St. Anthony in the desert who prayed for years to God, and how Satan came and tested him. You have to hear Yogananda tell the story. I’m trying to find it for you. Satsang is crucial on the path. When you’re not here, keep Master’s voice playing with some of his audio tapes. Keep his company inwardly. Finally, Kriya will be a huge help because it will give you the mystic key to unlock the door to His presence. Let’s keep up our battle cry: “Glory, glory hallelujah....glory, glory, hallelujah...his Love is marching on!” Your Friend in God & Guru, Love & joy, narayan 6/20/13 Yes, it was that remark that was difficult to hear. Your response is less severe than hers, which stated that it may be many lifetimes and one never knows. THAT is difficult to hear. Repeating this process, particularly with such desire in my heart, is very unappealing. However, I know with all my heart that I will never turn from this path, never give up hope, never stop loving God or lose devotion. I want nothing but that final union. 6/20/13 Dear Jennifer, Here is an inspiring letter that Paramhansa Yogananda wrote to a disciple who was losing hope. Since we all go through periods of

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despair and discouragement, I thought you would enjoy its uplifting message. See below. love, narayan & dharmadevi A Letter to a Disciple: YOU MUST NEVER LOSE COURAGE. Divine Mother sent me to pilot you out of the clouds of your mind. Everybody’s difficulty is different, and he or she has to win that test of karma. Overcome all by constant inward calling on God and utmost devotion in words, thought, action, and obedience to Guru. Your troubles I do not mind. I will never give up my job about you. It is better to conquer one evil and not live with it forever. Never for a moment identify yourself with momentary flashes of error. Have no fear even though I am gone from your visible eyes. You will never be alone. I may not scold you then, but I shall ever be with you and through Divine Mother guard you from all harm, and will constantly whisper to you guidance through your loving self. So, do not become discouraged and tired, but ever be interested in working for Divine Mother no matter if war, sickness, death dances around you. Be cut to pieces but never give up. Be like the Divine Leech - suck at the blood of wisdom even though torn to bits. A smooth life is not a victorious life - and I will give you lots of my good karma, so you will get through. I will not only ever forgive you, but ever lift you up, no matter how many times you fall. Keep unceasingly trying to conquer; that not only I invisibly help you, but visibly through many here. Divine Mother will help you to win, through your own efforts and the blessings of the great Gurus. I am not building a mansion for you or giving you riches which will perish, but I am making an

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imperishable home with all riches in my Divine Mother’s mansion. ~Paramhansa Yogananda

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Seven: Faith 7/16/13 Mel and Will returned yesterday from their Camino de Santiago trek across Spain. My life is returning to normal after an intense, life-altering three weeks alone. I understand with absolute certainty that my existence during that period was divinely orchestrated, and I am grateful for the guidance, growth, and faith gained. I’d never previously experienced extended periods of time alone in my home without the presence of our children or my husband. I eagerly anticipated being in the empty house while they traveled abroad. Although I adore my family, I looked forward with excitement to the brief reprieve. As a driven, goal-oriented individual, I looked forward to completing many projects during their absence. However, a different divinely orchestrated plan awaited. Despite sudden, intense physical pain that caused a change of itinerary, the divinely orchestrated plan was perfect. I spent fifty years taking responsibility for all the outcomes of my life, confidently believing that I was in charge of each one. There was never a space for an omnipresent Force to guide me. During the past three weeks, I was provided a Higher Truth. I completely surrendered and came to truly know myself as part of God. I was quickly immersed in almost constant feelings of divine energy, and easily able to feel His presence. I experienced the

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joy of relaxing my over-worked intellect. Immersed in Higher Truth, I gained a deeper understanding of love, of myself, and most important, of faith. When in that space there is no doubt, only truth, love, and clarity. I could never say, “I don’t want this!” I remained in blissful union, on and off for two weeks. The energy that I experienced was intense but loving, and increased daily. It felt as if my body was being prepared for higher levels of spirituality. My soul was experiencing its birthright, its home in God. I understood that I would somehow exit this period a different person, which I have. During this three-week period, I gained perfect faith. I also acquired a mantra, an affirmation that I incorporate into my life by repeating it often: “I go forth in perfect faith in the power of Omnipresent Good, to bring me what I need at the time I need it.” -Paramhansa Yogananda I never say the mantra casually. I say it with only the deepest love, and in search of the depths of its meaning. I cannot imagine God’s unending patience and perfection. He gave me three weeks alone in perfect conditions with a physical limitation that required me to change my focus. Then he gave me the inner knowledge that I was to be in seclusion, with His guidance while I was there, and massive amounts of divine energy to work with, play with, and learn from....and most important, deeper faith, exactly at the perfect time. I understand the remark, “Some things are not to be un-

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derstood but rather trusted on faith. They are shelved until deeper understanding comes later in the journey.” This faith is now easy. I know without a doubt that there are atheistic ways to explain away all of my experiences. Previously I would have gone straight to those explanations. I no longer do that because I have been guided, taught, energized, and provided experiences that changed me from the inside out. I have perfect faith. I have learned to relax. I am happy. I thank my Divine Parent for His/Her guidance, patience and love. Words cannot express the depth of my gratitude. I trust that God knows my heart. It has taken sixteen months. 8/6/13 Perfect faith - in peaceful times, confusing times, and stressful times...it remains with me. I now understand that to be at this point in the journey, one’s karma must be very, very, very good. There is no pride in that understanding, instead only gratitude for God’s patience. How long have I been struggling? How long has He patiently guided me, waiting for me to own the truth? I remain confused about a Guru. I know that in time my confusion will dissipate. But now my focus is on karma. I wish I understood what errors my past holds, and what I must undo and learn from them. Will I be able to free myself from these burdens in this lifetime? I desperately want to.

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I wish that I could always immerse myself with others in this path. I know the importance of surrounding myself with similarly minded people. I long for a lifestyle of immersion in meditation, environmental beauty, and energetically uplifting environments like Ananda.

I include some simple letters, interspersed below, because they speak to the evolution of the journey so far. 9/9/13 (A letter to a friend.) I wanted to tell you more about my dinner last night, but I didn’t really feel I could talk at the time. The evening was amazing. Approximately fifteen people attended, including the directors of Ananda Worldwide, Nayaswamis Jyotish and Devi. I can only tell you that I know, with an undeniable knowing, like when you are positive of a truth, that I am rediscovering something I have experienced before. It is all so familiar, and there exists in my heart a knowing that I am on the right path. At any rate, at the dinner I had the opportunity to meet and share with Jyotish and Devi. Meeting them felt wonderful. I wish I could explain to you what I get from this journey. I have learned that love is at the core of our existence. I have learned to let go of my ego, to recognize how the ego interferes with spiritual growth. I am a better listener, more compassionate, and I have a growing understanding of what we really are as Souls and where our destiny lies.

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I imagine this all sounds pretty crazy. I surprise myself with the abundance of spiritual conversation that comes out of my mouth. Yet, I can hardly believe how sure I am of it all. I can only tell you this: If I have learned one thing on this journey, it’s that Love is at the core of our existence. Love, J 09/14/13 Another experience to record. But first I am backtracking for a moment. I now understand with true “inner knowing,” the reality of having lived many, many lives. We all have. To evolve into a human form takes millions of lives and great spiritual progress. To be someone actively seeking God means we are well on our way toward that reunion and that we already have very, very good karma. I am learning about karma. My understanding is growing, of the universal truth behind equal and opposite responses and how it applies to everything, including our expansion toward freedom. Through my own actions, I draw to myself every experience I receive. I give love and I receive love. I give pain and I receive pain. I judge and I am judged. Nothing is random. We are not products of our circumstances. We drew our exact circumstances to ourselves by our past actions. Our job is to understand this, and to learn to be loving and resolve our unloving behaviors. Being kind toward others is a basic tenet of spiritual growth. Unconditional love is the

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foundation of Creation, the building block of our existence. It is what all things are made from and what we all yearn to return to, whether we have, or have not yet, come to a point where we consciously realize it. People who are truly on this path of Self-realization choose consciously to live a lifestyle that dissolves the ego and returns them to the permanent bliss of union with God. I yearn for this permanent reunion. It requires letting go of judgment and embracing unconditional love toward all. These tenets are not easy by any stretch. It requires soul searching and the willingness to admit when I am wrong, and to change myself even when it’s uncomfortable. It requires will power and deep commitment. It helps to be around others who are familiar with the journey, and who are uplifting and inspirational in their dedication. I used to think that believing in God was for weak people, an easy excuse for not taking responsibility for their own lives. I understand now that this is the most difficult, but also the most important, rewarding journey we will ever make. It is not for sissies. And, it makes us MUCH stronger, not weaker. Returning to my recent experience... Yesterday morning I was enjoying a beautiful connection with God in my meditation. Until I personally experienced these manifestations of Perfect Love, I could not understand, believe, or accept its truth, depth and beauty. Only these personal experiences of inner communion allowed me to know and to develop faith. While in this space, I spoke with God - a simple spoken prayer, a clear answer received. But I also understand that God always hears my prayers, even if I’m unaware of Him, and even if He doesn’t reply.

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My prayers always begin with deep gratitude for all I am receiving. I rarely ask for anything other than the ability to serve as His loving channel and for clarity about His will. I am deeply grateful and so excited about my journey. It is challenging, perfect, and amazingly loving. 9/18/13 Good evening Narayan and Dharmadevi Thank you so much for your spontaneity today. It was great connecting and enjoying a spiritual “fix.” I appreciated our conversation and wanted to follow through by forwarding the comments I spoke of from Devi’s talk. It resonates so clearly for me, and as always, it seems to be exactly that which I need to hear in this moment, fitting so neatly into my current trials. I’m forwarding the gist of it as I promised. (Well, my paraphrased version.) Devi spoke of the light and the shadow in our lives and referenced the term “Suka Duka Dan” from the Bhagavad Gita. I think it references our cycles of pain and pleasure, the repeating pattern of light and darkness in our lives. She spoke of our ability to exit these cycles by maintaining even-mindedness and gratitude, and finding God’s blessings amid the darkness of our tests and trials. “Find that point of light and cling to it in hard times. That’s where God is, behind the loss, the shadows, the darkness.” She closed her comments by citing a favorite letter written by a Franciscan monk in the 1500s: “Behind all of the darkness there is

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glory. We have only but to look to find it. Everything we call a trial is a gift.” I’m excited about the challenges I’m facing. I feel ready to face whatever I must face head-on. I’ve asked for this, and I’m so grateful for all I receive. It’s all so friggin’ great! Even the challenges! Good night to you both. Lots of love, J 10/18/13 Dear Dharmadevi and Narayan, Okay, you two, I’m struggling, confused and yearning for advice. This one’s out there, and I’m unsure whether you can, or will want to cope with this type of question from me? A few thoughts are contributing to one large, confusing mess. I’m thinking it has to do with dispassionately separating our sense of self-identity from any ego-based needs, including human emotions – and I’m thinking it’s a very appropriate step in this journey. I realize I may be way off base, and I’m longing for clear guidance from somewhere. I’ve never been one to react emotionally to events most people consider deeply uncomfortable, including the death of loved ones, down to much less significant situations. In the past, I’ve wondered where this detachment comes from and if something was wrong with me. Is it possible that in my longer journey of many incarnations, I developed an appropriate spiritual quality of detachment from the ego’s needs, and that this quality is now part of my soul consciousness?

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This odd inner detachment from any need to feel fulfilled by others historically made me feel like an utter loner. Now I’m wondering if I’m crazy for assigning spiritual growth gained in previous lives to my current patterns of behavior. (Or am I just thinking too much?) I no longer have any idea where the lines are between what’s true and what I’m imagining or conjuring or deducing rationally. This journey is so overwhelming and so full of things I never thought were possible – the lines are COMPLETELY blurred, and I have no one to help me rein them in. Am I pushing the boundaries in coming to you for help? Love J I heard back from Dharmadevi and Narayan immediately they are incredibly loving, supportive, and generous. I felt much better after our conversation. I felt an energetic loving connection with them very literally while we talked. Narayan confirmed my beliefs and was able to relate to much of what I expressed. I put down the phone feeling confident that I can trust my intuition. I’ve also gained comfort and understanding from many recordings by Devi, Jyotish, and Swami. 11/09/13 Hi Dharmadevi, I need help, please. Lots of spiritual stuff unfolding at once. Hard to explain, all great.

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I don’t know if I’m more excited, confused, or overwhelmed. I think excited, but also just kind of sitting on it... waiting... for I don’t know what, but it’s coming. One change is this; the level of constant remembrance that you and I discussed a few days ago has amped up a LOT. God is always foremost in my mind, making me wish the rest of the world would disappear so that I’m not so distracted by mundane requirements. I shock myself by the depth of this desire. I end my meditations wanting to let go of everything in the world, if I can just become a channel for His love. The meditations carry over into my daily thoughts, all day, every day. And even though the depth of my desire shocks me, I continually find myself here. How in the world I’ve ended up here is dumbfounding but fantastic. Recent events have felt like tests in my life. I’m understanding at a new depth how my truest love comes from God, and I’m turning less to others for that love. I’m unsure how to synthesize all of these things. It’s as if I’m living in two worlds, my day-to-day boring life, and then the “real” stuff where I just want to immerse myself. I believe it simply means that the purest Love comes from God. I have no idea how you can respond to this. I haven’t exactly asked any questions. I’m just feeling really excited, overwhelmed and alone. I imagine you can relate to all of this which is why I’m coming to you. Thank you for understanding. Love, J Dharmadevi and Narayan called soon after they received my letter. I’m so grateful for their love and support, even as I’m trying to remember that I’m just one of many people they serve. Yet they always respond generously, with warmth, compassion, and unending patience, as if I were the only one.

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Our conversation revolved around my growing feeling of non-attachment to all things material and emotional. Although I used to identify with my roles as mother, homeschooling mom, wife, etc, I now see myself as the only truth that exists - I am loving energy, part of God. All else is delusion, ego, just labels. Even the kids, from whom I’ve learned countless beautiful lessons about compassion, love, patience, and tolerance - I now understand in a new light. I see them each in their individual journeys as souls traveling toward their own enlightenment. Even more important, I no longer see them as part of my identity, but as energy-beings for whom I was temporarily responsible. This does not mean I love them any less, but that I can love them better, more purely, without my own needs and attachments intruding. The evolution to non-attachment began during my meditations and now extends into my daily life. After experiencing the profound bliss of union with God, and finding all possible fulfillment there, I yearn for the strength to stay centered in that Love. This all comes so naturally. And it feels too familiar to be new. I have lived this before - I know this. I am here to resolve old karmas and move on. 11/26/13 Have I written about this recent lesson? I can’t remember. It came from no specific place, but just from a conglomeration of growing understandings. It’s a new and deeper understanding of Love, and the dualities of the ego, and it feels foundational to my growth.

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Quote on wall of the Ananda Thousand Oaks center

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The Chapel at Ananda Village

Evening class at Ananda Thousand Oaks

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Meditaton room in Jennifer’s home

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Jennifer and husband, Mel, 2014

My daily quote to Will yesterday: “Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy.” Will replied that he had to reason that one through. The concept challenged him. He isn’t sure he believes that all people are worthy of our loving them, and he asked about my beliefs. I responded with a definite “YES, I believe they are.” Then I explained: I believe that no one person is better than another and that all people are deserving of love. I am no better than those who have commited the worst atrocities. Every human is on the same journey, just defined to greater or lesser degrees by the ego’s outward attachments. It’s like a train. We’re all traveling to the same place, but some people are riding along smoothly at the front while others are whipping around at the tail, but we’re all headed toward complete Self-realization. Whether we remember the destination and where we’ve come from, and whether we realize that we’re all spiritual beings traveling toward union with God, is the difference between riding in the front or back of the train. It’s the difference between seeking bliss in inner union with Higher Consciousness, or pursuing outward, ego-motivated desires. We all experience the ego’s attempts to derail us. Ego drives our need for power, control, human love, and attention, as well as competition, fear, and greed. I think that what Will is feeling is that the difference between good and bad people is the degree of their ego attachments. But in our essence, we’re all the same and we’re all on the exact same journey. We’re just operating with varying degrees of delusion about our

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true nature. The expansion of consciousness that finally ends the ego’s control occurs when we reconnect with our loving Creator and begin to pursue that union with all our heart. It takes millions of lifetimes to overcome the delusions born of our ego-attachment. We reincarnate over and over to resolve those ties. But we’re all moving in the same direction and we will learn the same lessons. At any point in our journey we may have mastered different lessons than others, but we’re all equally deserving of love. Will asked about this specifically, so I was as honest as I could be. I’m not sure how he processed my answer. 12/9/13 I’m often awake for hours during the night. I pray quietly or talk inwardly with God while loving energy flows through me. Sometimes, I feel I’m being guided toward a new understanding in areas where I’ve struggled. The guidance is a clear, clean “knowing” that’s simply and suddenly present in my mind, free of doubts or emotional baggage. With the understanding comes perfect love – felt energetically from head to toe, blissful and perfect. In my prayers last night I expressed a heartfelt desire to receive opportunities to resolve the karma of my past missteps. I offered up my desire and my ability to handle more than I was being given – to take on more. I spoke of a deep longing to be free. I asked God to, “Bring it on, let me work my way out of whatever karma I’ve created.”

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I’m getting used to the notion that the Divine literally answers our prayers. When I mentioned these prayers to friends, they were shocked by my request for greater intensity. “Be careful what you ask for!” they said. “Did you really say that?” I received a “karmic bomb” today, an intense situation that divinely offered an opportunity to resolve some obvious karma. Go figure! The situation was emotionally painful, and I needed to turn to my closest friends for support to survive the pain. I needed their help to understand the lesson about myself, and how I should change. I was confused and flailing. Thank God for amazing spiritual friends. By the end of the evening I was in a completely reworked frame of mind. I understood that the test was very literally a response to my recent prayers for opportunities to expand my consciousness. I also understood that the lesson was about unconditional love and learning to respond always without ego attachments. I know I can do this. I know that enduring the lesson and growing through it will help me be better able to respond to anyone in any situation with unconditional love. Not that I’ll instantly become a different person, but the goal is clearly in sight and every step brings me closer. The greatest challenges are also the greatest gifts. 12/16/13 I know that merely understanding my recent karmic test with

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my rational mind won’t be enough to make every future test easy. 12/26/13 Christmas Holidays: Emily and Brian with their three dogs, along with Will, all home for the holiday. Self-study is sure illuminating my attachments. My ego is definitely more self-deprecating than self-inflating. (Equally misguided!) I’ve always been sensitive and tended to take things too personally. I’m learning that these feelings aren’t part of my eternal soul, and I’m recognizing emotions at their inception and responding from a different place, from pure loving, calmness. I’m remembering that the only “real” part of me is the eternal Love I share with God, which has no ego attached to it. I’m realizing that emotions are only conjured by my own ego-driven needs that just end up creating pain, hurt, anger, frustration, and sadness. How can I survive the next decades, when all I want is to immerse myself in this journey, free of my mundane life? I trust that I’ll be provided with opportunities for seclusion if and when it’s meant to happen. I can hardly believe the depth of my longing. But on some inner level this journey feels so familiar. I understand that in order to be seeking God the way I am, I must have lived countless devoted lives already. I want to resolve enough karma in this life that I won’t have to return in a physical form unless I’ve chosen to come back and serve.

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I’m confused about this. My entire universe has shifted. I’m experiencing the world through a new filter. I’ve surrendered every fiber of my being. I’ve become a completely different person, and I want only one thing, God alone. But how will I continue to change and give God what He desires of me? I’m trying my best to figure out what He wants me to do in this lifetime, but I need more guidance. Reading Yogananda’s autobiography has been a tremendous help, but it sets standards for the spiritual life that seem unattainable without help. Divine intervention seems essential for success. Without living in the presence of a living Guru, without his divine touch, is it possible to understand enough and change sufficiently? Can I succeed at this? Can I alter my heart enough that I’ll be found deserving of eternal bliss, rather than having to return and try again and again? I’m concerned that I’m trying so hard, yet I’m still falling short. It may sound self-centered and overly impatient, but I can’t find comfort, aware as I am of my many weaknesses. Although I’ve changed so much, I’m painfully aware of the perfection that’s required to lead a life that isn’t motivated by the ego’s desires. I’m aware of the power of the Guru’s physical touch to impart understanding and higher consciousness. I want this so much. 1/7/2014 I must magnetize the thoughts that I want to manifest. Magnetism is our will power sending out energy to create a magnetic field that can draw to us the circumstances we want. My habits of negativity and doubt must end immediately and be replaced by positive affirmations.

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Does God have desires for us? Does He wish us to succeed? Or does He simply observe us as we learn our lessons? 1/8/14 I am changing. I’m realizing that everything I desire exists already within myself. I enter my meditations with the knowledge that I am loved and that my true nature is soul-consciousness. Therefore, when I meditate I seek nothing more than to immerse myself in that love. I no longer enter my meditations wishing for “an experience” or for something to “happen.” The pressure to “accomplish” a perfect meditation is removed. I can relax and meditate simply for the pure joy of it. My mantra for now is, “Teach me to see only Thee in all things.” As I evolve and grow, I’m learning to remove the ego’s reactions by simply observing everything around me without emotional attachment. I am not becoming coldly detached. I’m becoming more loving as I learn to avoid being drawn into emotional dramas. I’m eliminating the pain that the ego generates by its responses to circumstances. Circumstances themselves are neutral. I’m learning to receive all the love I need from God. I can enjoy giving love to others rather than needing anything from them to make me feel fulfilled. I am more capable of seeing individual souls, and of choosing not to see their negative aspects. Instead, I see all souls at various stages of the same journey. When I find myself regressing, I recognize that it’s the ego trying to suck me back into negativity. I will not succumb. God knows, I have my own stuff to deal with.

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Judging others only reflects my own shortcomings. 1/12/14 I still face enormous challenges trying to deepen my meditations. Sometimes just meditating at all is tough: removing the inner banter and remaining connected to knowledge of myself as a pure soul, seeing God alone in all things. My meditation to-do list is endless, but I’m choosing not to dwell on my weaknesses because I understand the power of our thoughts to manifest positive or negative circumstances.

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Eight: Love “The law of love is a far greater science than any modern science.” - Paramhansa Yogananda

Love is the genesis of our existence. The Perfect Love from which we and everything are manifested is an unconditional, ever-patient, non-judgmental, and intelligent Love. God’s unconditional love is the underlying Truth, the Sanaatan Dharma, (Eternal Truth) that literally holds the world together by its magnetism. We are part of that Love. We were created within it and are manifested from it. We are not separate from it. It is impossible to be separated from divine Love. It’s only our ego that leads us to believe that we are separate from it, by tempting us to think that we are unique and that we have something that no one else has. Or we separate ourselves by our judgmental, competitive feelings, and by every false self-definition we paste onto ourselves. The goal of the path of Self-realization is to realize ourselves as expressions of that Force of Love. I was beginning to understand that we are all one, originated in and made of the same Loving energy. During a four-day visit to Ananda Village, I received a message from Dharmadevi and Narayan in which they clearly expressed that I must learn to love myself as much as I love everyone else. I’ve tended to be too hard on myself, placing high expectations on my actions and feeling terrible if I fall short according to my own judgment. But I’m realizing that judging myself is no better than judging others - it’s still adopting a

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judgmental attitude. We must learn to see ourselves as God sees us. Do I imagine that I must be so good that I must never make mistakes before God can love me? This, too, is ego-attachment, a self-deprecating form of ego, but ego nonetheless. Almost before I could fully absorb their message, I was offered support from the Divine. 3/20/14 Dear Dharmadevi & Narayan, Thank you both. I’m grateful for and will absolutely follow your advice. I spent this afternoon at the Hermitage and stepped outside to listen to your recorded messages on my phone. What unfolded next was stunning. I was alone in the chapel and found myself on my knees at the altar, praying to Yogananda, and it felt so good. Normal for you, but remember where I started this journey. Not ordinary for me to be on my knees praying in a chapel and knowing it was so right. As I prayed I thought of your messages, and your reminders that I must let go of my small human self, and connect instead with my heart and with my “newly reawakened” expanded Self. While on my knees I was flooded with an overwhelmingly clear understanding - it was a guidance from Yogananda (clearly Him!) that I must love myself. It was shockingly clear, and I burst into tears - happy tears. It was amazing. This morning I lay in bed thinking about what the guidance meant.

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What to change within myself, and how to manifest the changes? I was guided to an understanding of loving myself as part of Him, and recognizing that anything less would be to love God less, and that I must respect myself as I respect others. I’m learning to recognize the times when it isn’t happening, and I’m learning to redirect the outcomes. Although we’ve talked about it, and I’ve read many times and received guidance about love and the oneness of everything in the universe, I can either experience it in a human way as mere words, or as an integrated part of my Soul with a complete understanding of Truth. This is what I experienced this morning, a deeply understood connection with Truth. These events became a theme in my mind: “I want to be purified of everything in me that is not Love.” So, this was to be my prayer at this morning’s purification ceremony, if I could stay long enough to make my flight home. What followed before I left my room was amazing. I knew somehow, not with words but by a direct Soul knowing, the truth of what was happening to me in the moment. I was experiencing a loving energy that was helping me with my prayer request to purify myself of anything not Love – right then and there, alone in my room. It was powerful. Next, I heard AUM in my ear. Then I felt guided to do three Aums, hands upheld, channeling Love outward. I felt an energy in my hands that I’ve never experienced. Then, I felt guided to clamp my hands firmly over my heart, to love myself completely, transferring the enormous loving energy to my heart. All of this was intuitively guided, and clearly understood. So, I wanted to share my happiness with you, not just the turmoil.

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I hope you arrived home safely. Love J

h On the topic of “Love,” I want to share more about Paramhansa Yogananda and why I refer to Him so often. Yogananda is a Self-realized master who came to the West from India in 1920. He is the last in his line of Kriya Masters which includes Lahiri Mahasaya, Babaji Krishna, Jesus Christ, and Swami Sri Yukteswar. These great souls are Avatars. The Sanskrit term “avatar” means “descent.” Avatar refers to a soul who has been freed from maya (delusion) and is sent by God back into manifested existence to help others. An avatar does not return to show us how great he is, but to help us realize that we, too, can achieve his consciousness. He is able to infuse that state of Self-realization into those who are receptive to him. Just as the Bible says about the transfer of consciousness, “As many as received him, to them gave He power to become the sons of God.” (John 1:12) Yogananda was divinely commissioned to share the teachings of Self-realization and Kriya Yoga, including methods for experiencing union with God directly within ourselves. Nothing else is needed. No law or organization can bring about God-consciousness within us. Yogananda taught that the path of Self-realization is in complete harmony with all true religions, including the true original teachings of Jesus Christ. The teachings of Self-realization have been passed down from guru to disciple for thousands of years. The great masters have traveled the same path that we are traveling, although they’ve completed the journey. They, too, incarnated as humans over and over, and therefore understand everything that we are experiencing. They understand our pains, our joys, the beautiful experiences of our lives, our yearnings, and our mistakes. And as liberated gurus, they are 129

pure channels of God and know everything about us individually - every last hair on our head, every incarnation that we’ve experienced and every action, both loving and egoic that we’ve taken. Knowing us individually, they bring us exactly what we need to progress spiritually. For a long time I tried to wrap my mind around how that can be possible - it was partly why I felt so stuck in the beginning of this journey. How could the guru know everything about my every incarnation? The journey of our individual liberation can seem impossible, if we try to reason our way to understanding. But in time I realized through the divine gift of my inner experiences that it was well beyond logical human understanding, and I began to place my trust instead in his immense Love, which I could feel. Just as in any other endeavor, if we want to master something, there comes a time when we will need the help of a great teacher to attain the highest understanding. Whether our goal is to become a musician, a doctor, or if we want to achieve God-realization, we will eventually need a great teacher. Guru, properly defined, means spiritual teacher. Our soul is continually evolving in the path toward full Self-realization. The question is, do we realize it? Before we commit ourselves seriously to the path, we are given lesser teachers. We may receive instruction through books, conversations, classes, and the experiences of our lives, each of which God has carefully prepared for our growth. Like new violinists playing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” we are unlikely to attract a world-class violinist such as Itzhak Perlman as our teacher. When our devotion and yearning for spiritual expansion call loudly enough, and when we yearn for freedom with all our heart, God sends a true guru into our life. The coming of the Guru is the greatest gift we can receive. In my soul’s evolution, it was clearly the time for God to

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send the guru who had been with me through the long journey of my soul’s evolution. Paramhansa Yogananda is my Guru. I am not able to remember my former lives with Him. Yogananda said that it is by God’s grace that we can’t remember our countless incarnations of testing, because we would be overwhelmed by the good and bad decisions we’ve made. But at this point my soul, the individual expression of God’s presence in me, knew the whole story. It recalled its devotion and was overjoyed on that first night by the return of the Guru. It was only my ego, with its attachments to what it wanted, that baulked and began throwing mental hand-grenades of reason in my path. That was my battle. Paramhansa Yogananda came to help us all discover that we are just like Him. We are traveling the same journey that he traveled, and our job is to realize ourselves as spiritual beings with the same unlimited potential. When I read Yogananda’s autobiography, I could feel this truth in the energetic vibration of his words. Through his vibration I received an understanding of my soul’s unlimited potential. Later, I learned that when Swami Kriyananda praised the Autobiography to Yogananda, he replied, “That’s because it has my vibrations in it.” Yogananda said that his guidance will always be imbued in the cosmic vibrations of his written words. Yogananda told his disciples at Mount Washington in Los Angeles that he preferred to work on the level of vibration, and that their job was to raise their consciousness in attunement with his. He would often say very little because he expected them to find their answers by attuning themselves to the divine vibration that was always flowing through him. There, he said, they would find understanding. What prevents us from achieving that level of attunement to him is our identification with our limited human form and our ego-driven habits formed over many incarnations. Our

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purpose is to remember ourselves as part of the great ocean of Divine Spirit. There, we will find eternal Bliss in union with the Divine, the ultimate destiny of every soul. In discussing Yogananda I’ve said, “He IS a Self-realized master, not “He WAS.” I feel this is an important point. Although the masters of this path are no longer present in their physical bodies, they are very present in our lives as energy bodies. Free of physical constraints, they are more able to manifest their presence to us. Yogananda said, “To those who think me near, I will be near. This body is nothing. If you are attached to this physical form, you will not be able to find me in my infinite form. But if you look beyond this body and see me as I truly am, then you will know that I am always with you.” He said that when he had to put on a human body, it was like putting on a heavy winter coat on a warm day. He said that it was uncomfortable at first, but that he would get used to it. My soul rediscovered its home in this path and eventually felt a call to take vows of discipleship. It was a personal, inward commitment for my inner joy, and an expression to God of my devotion and love. It was saying “I am ready. I want to embrace the challenge to expand spiritually and resolve my karma.” My soul was saying that it had wasted too much time searching for eternal truth on its own, and that it now yearned to receive God’s help by attuning to the Guru’s guidance. Discipleship is love - a love that flows from the soul to God and from God to the individual soul. Paramhansa Yogananda introduced millions to the scientific teachings of meditation and Kriya Yoga. Before settling in Los Angeles in 1925, he undertook many successful transcontinental speaking tours in the United States. Yogananda left his physical body on March 7, 1952 at the Biltmore Hotel in Los Angeles, after a dinner for Sri Rajan Sen, India’s first ambassador to the United States.

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His Autobiography of a Yogi was published in 1946 and has sold over four million copies in many languages. It has been named among the one-hundred best spiritual books of the 20th century. The name “Yogananda” means Divine bliss through Yoga (union). 3/16/14 Today I’m reading Swami Kriyananda’s fictional novel, Love Perfected, Life Divine. I also recently received interesting articles about the near-death experiences of several atheists. Both Swami’s book and the atheists’ experiences helped me learn a deeply important lesson, by making me acutely aware of the dangers of the subtle negativity I sometimes inadvertently express. 3/20/14 Today I’m looking forward to sharing beautiful energy and spiritual conversations with like-minded souls at the ashram. I’m especially happy that I’ll be giving a violin to Eli. I’ve set up a violin with geared pegs, a new tailpiece, and a new case, bow and shoulder rest. I feel zero ego gratification or any desire for recognition. In fact, I’d much prefer that it remain a low-key gift, unknown to others. But it feels very good to offer such a heartfelt gift. It’s as though I know this was meant to happen. I’m excited and hope that Eli will be also.

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3/20/14 Recent lesson: Our accomplishments mean nothing. Only our relationships with others matter: how we treat people, no matter the circumstances or their attitude. To see all creatures as souls that deserve our love is everything. If we don’t get it right, the opportunity will be presented again and again until we do. This is karma. Where my search has led me: Love is the essence at the core of everything, period. We don’t stop evolving until we can respond from love, without ego attachments, in every situation. Even if the other person is wrong, we must find a way to respond lovingly, as God would. Not that I didn’t understand this intellectually, but I felt its true meaning today through an energetic connection with Higher Truth in meditation. As I evolve toward God, I find my dependence on others decreasing. At the same time, my ability to interact comfortably and successfully with others is increasing. Less need – more ability. I feel my interpersonal skills being strengthened in the form of compassion and a growing ability to love unconditionally. The strength comes from a deeper understanding that everything I need comes from God alone. Kriya in nine days. 3/29/14 Kriya initiation day. Love, gratitude, joy. It’s been almost two years to the day. I am a different person. I’ve experienced more joy in this journey than I did in the previous fifty years combined.

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I take Kriya initiation with devotion, faith, love, and the knowledge that nothing can deter me from this path. There is no test, challenge, or fear that could derail my love for God or my steadfastness in understanding that God loves me in return, more completely than I’ll ever fully understand. Although I’m experiencing karmic tests and challenges, I have unconditional trust in the rightness of this path. I trust that every test is perfectly, divinely delivered for my benefit. As Kriya approached, the karmic tests rapidly increased in frequency and intensity. Not easy! I endure and embrace the challenges, knowing that they are serving a beautiful purpose. This understanding makes embracing the tests much easier. I asked God to deliver these challenges so that I can resolve my karma as quickly as He will allow. Expectations have been eliminated, replaced with a trust that whatever I experience is perfectly and divinely orchestrated. “Gratitude” has deeper meaning now, as if I barely knew its true significance before this journey began. 4/9/14 Dear Jennifer, I just want to offer my congratulations on receiving your Kriya Initiation. I hope it is going well. Blessings, Nalini

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4/11/14 Dear Nalini, Thank you for your note. All is well, Kriya initiation went well. I feel a bit gangly and awkward, trying to remain relaxed while balancing devotion with technique, but each day I improve as my practice smooths out. I independently lengthened my sets because I wasn’t finding a comfortable “flow” until I neared the end of my fourteen Kriyas. Today Narayan kindly and firmly set me straight. For now, I must keep to the prescribed set of fourteen, with an additional longer set once a week if I’d like. I’m excited to adjust and will keep my enthusiasm in check. I remain deeply grateful to Ananda. I can’t imagine my life without this association. If I may, I’d like to ask you a question. I’m confused about the direction I wish to take in my prayers. I believe that God provides for us with His perfect understanding of our needs. Therefore, praying and asking for anything feels disrespectful toward His omnipresence. I’d rather trust in His perfection, using my prayers instead as offerings of deep love and gratitude. Am I mistaken? I absolutely ask for guidance when clarity is needed. But I feel almost disrespectful asking for outcomes that He has chosen not to provide. For example, I have faith that ALL challenges are lovingly provided with purpose. I must embrace them and grow through them rather than battle, resist, or ask for something different than what I’ve been given. I find it easy, almost enjoyable to embrace this knowledge. Yet I’m torn when it comes to things like my involvement in the Healing Prayer Circle. Although I’m eager to serve, my beliefs also extend to the lives of others. Asking for divine intervention in any circumstance feels questionable to me. Asking for something other than what God provides feels presumptuous.

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Am I making sense, explaining my question clearly? Am I completely misguided? Would you feel comfortable sharing with me how you use prayer in your life? I respectfully seek your guidance and send you deep gratitude and love. Jennifer Dear Jennifer, Thank you for writing to me. I have been thinking about your question for several days. Unfortunately, I have a disability that makes it difficult for me to type quickly. That’s why it’s taken me a few days to get back to you. Please forgive me! It’s interesting that you bring up this question because a lot of us have thought of it. In November we have a Sunday Service with the title, “Why tell God anything, when he knows everything? Why offer God anything, when he has everything?” That’s not exactly what you said, but it comes pretty close. One answer to that, of course, is that we do it primarily to grow spiritually ourselves. Often, we need to clarify how we feel about things before we can ask for help. As an example of this, when Kriyananda was alive, I would write him letters. Sometimes I would take days, even weeks, writing and rewriting the same letter, until it was as perfect as I could make it. It helped me to clarify the issues for myself. At the same time, I felt it was respectful of me to be as clear as I could be, so that Swami would not waste his valuable time dealing with my confusion! Instead of rambling on and on, I tried to write very short, concise letters with just the essential points. After all, he already knew what I was thinking anyway! You asked specifically about praying for yourself and for others. As far as not praying for yourself is concerned, I would say, great. If

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you are so impersonal and detached that you’re able to accept your life just as it is, that’s wonderful. However, I would add to that - do not make rules or paint yourself into a corner. That is, allow yourself to ask for help if you need it. There may come a time when you are hurting so bad, either physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, that you may want to ask for God’s help in dealing with it. I don’t think that has to be disrespectful. After all, God is our mother, father, beloved, and best friend. He is the nearest of the near and the dearest of the dear. He knows what we need, but He also understands our limitations. He is happy to help us if we ask. At the very least, one can, at those times of great testing, pray for deeper understanding. That’s always a good thing to pray for. Or we can pray for greater strength to meet the test. As Sister Gyanamata said, “Lord, change no circumstance of my life. Change me.” As far as praying for others is concerned, we can look to the example of great souls. Yogananda prayed for his disciples, as did Christ. Swami often prayed for us. In fact, he would write letters saying, “I am praying for you.” It appears that God wants us to be compassionate and to serve as channels of healing and blessing for others. Why else would Master give us extensive healing techniques that allow us to pray effectively for others? In those after-death stories that I sent you, prayer was an essential ingredient. It appears that we are co-creators in this dreamlife. What we do or don’t do does make a difference, even if God, in His omniscience, already knows everything! Also, I often feel great inspiration while praying for others. I feel that Master is pleased. And that in itself is enough of a reason to keep praying. I hope these thoughts have been helpful to you. Feel free to comment as you wish to. I may not be able to get back to you immediately. Do you plan to come up here during the spring or summer? If so,

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we could perhaps have lunch together and continue our discussion. I am glad the Kriya is going well. Happy Easter! May Christ and Master bless you. Nalini Dear Nalini, Thank you for your response. I’d like to digest what you’ve shared with me and look forward to responding after spending some time with your comments. I am deeply grateful for your time and effort. In the meantime, I send love and gratitude from newly discovered and seemingly bottomless reservoirs of each. Jennifer 4/19/14 The Spiritual Eye beautifully appeared in this morning’s meditation; brilliant and three-dimensional. It was clear and obvious, beyond explanation, at the Christ Consciousness center between the eyebrows. Zero effort or thought about it preceded the incredible, divine gift. It lasted only about fifteen seconds. I could examine it, move around it, see it from different angles. It was a bold, bright, beautiful golden light filled with a dark-blue center. The light was not flat as in a picture but in three dimensions with a radiating texture, slightly fading toward the outside edge. It felt like there was a tunnel, but I couldn’t enter. I wish I could.

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Next time. 4/23/14 Dear Nalini, Thank you again for your time and generosity. I found the right answer, for me. My greatest reason for praying is to deepen my relationship with God, to attune myself to Him. I want to share my thoughts with Him, and I want Him to know my love and my constant awareness of Him as the doer behind all things. Even though it often feels He is distant and unaware of my actions, Yogananda said, “He is as conscious of every human thought and feeling, as He is of the movements of the vast galaxies.” I will ask primarily for guidance, for receptivity to His will, for the strength to respond accordingly, and for understanding of my ego attachments so that I can change myself. I also apply this decision to my prayers for others. I will pray for their strength to work through their challenges. After reading your note, I listened to a few Ananda Sunday Services titled, “Why Tell God Anything When God Already Knows Everything?” The services provided assurance that I’m not wrongly veering off in some wild direction. I know He can work miracles, but I know I also must accept His response to my prayers. I trust that I have been guided to the right answer, for me. I know in my heart that all I must do is love God unconditionally and with pure devotion. This is not a problem!

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I don’t have plans to visit the Village, but I’m sure that will change. I’d love to meet with you and will definitely let you know when I schedule a trip. I remain grateful for your correspondence, for your time and your thoughtfulness. love, Jennifer

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Nine: Attunement

h The first sentence of Yogananda’s autobiography

(paraphrased) says that the search for eternal truth will lead inevitably to the disciple-guru relationship. Yogananda placed the disciple first, to help us understand that the responsibility is on us. The Guru is endlessly patient and waits for our soul call. He has patiently waited for us through endless incarnations as we test all of the available, alternate external options. Are we yet eager enough to receive His vibration, to attune ourselves to Him and initiate the relationship with our own yearning? We can remain caught in ego-based attachments that pull us into the external world, or as spiritual seekers, we can attune ourselves to things that uplift and feed our soul. The greatest of those is the guru’s consciousness. His true greatness is his ability to transmit his consciousness to us if we are attuned. He takes us by the hand and guides us by offering us opportunities over and over with unending patience and unconditional love until we change from the inside out. Our job is to uplift our own consciousness in receptivity to his love. This is where the greatest spiritual growth happens. It is our path to God. Before this journey began, I absolutely believed I was in charge of my life, capable of manifesting whatever I wanted. When I entered this path, my ego said, “Who could possibly know me and be worthy of guiding me better than myself?” I had no idea what a “guru” was, or his power, his love for me, his history with me, his all-knowing nature, or his purpose. I had no idea that the guru bears responsibility for seeing me

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through my incarnations, for perfectly providing me everything I need and for guiding me to God. My ego continually suggested that I was making a mistake, and that I would be found foolish. It was telling me, “Stop, don’t be ridiculous.” I was absolutely confused. The Divine is always trying to help us. But we must be receptive. This is attunement. It’s not about making something happen, but allowing it to happen. We need to open our hearts, and allow Grace to enter. How did I move forward? My struggle all along was to open my heart. It was closed by feelings of fear, doubts, and judgment, and by all of the old ego-created stories that defined me as a mere human. I learned to drop all of that so that I could be receptive. I was being shown this on the train in Peru. I was guided to understand that God is beyond logic, and to follow my heart. Attunement is a dynamic self-offering of ourselves into Spirit, in meditation and in all we do. It is our responsibility to energetically and willfully invite God and Guru into our life. It is not a passive wanting. It is a deep inner yearning, a commitment to meditation, and to living in higher consciousness throughout our daily activities. This is what draws God to us. Here are just a few ways we can actively practice attunement. First, meditate. (I will share more about meditation later.) We can also bathe ourselves in the magnetism of high souls by reading about their lives. Just as many people feel the vibration of Christ consciousness when reading the Bible, we can feel the same magnetism while reading the writings of great saints and masters whose words are imbued with their divine magnetism and high consciousness. We can learn to accept what the guru gives us, even when it is challenging, by understanding that it is his perfect gift. It is what he knows we need to progress spiritually. If we allow our ego to enter with feelings of being a victim, of anger, fear,

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or of our circumstances being unfair, we close our hearts. We are not products of our circumstances. We have drawn the conditions of our lives to us by our actions in the past. Our karma is always fair. We must recognize the guidance the guru sends us through other people. We can recognize God in others when they exhibit the divine traits of peace, calmness, love, joy, light, strength, and wisdom. No one has been placed in our lives randomly. We can turn for guidance to those whom we respect. Let your mind be still in the present. Yogananda said, “The minutes are more important than the years.” Live each moment completely focused in the moment, not allowing ego to pull you into inner discussions and concerns about the past or future. Sometimes our challenges may be very tough, even painful. Sometimes we are rewarded with beautiful gifts of peace, joy, and divine beauty. The guru’s job is not to be warm and fuzzy but to guide us to God. The concept of this duality is expressed in Autobiography of a Yogi where Yogananda describes high souls as, “Softer than the flower, when kindness is concerned. Stronger than the thunder, when principles are at stake.” Sometimes simply laughing and keeping our sense of humor flowing is enough to open the heart. Most important, we can draw him in, and attune ourselves to him by our heart’s love for him. There’s no right or wrong way to experience or practice devotion. It’s about experiencing God in our own heart however it feels right. Yogananda said, “Don’t be formal with God. Play with Him. Tease Him if you like. Scold Him if you feel to - though always with love. Remember, He is your very own. He is the Nearest of the near, the Dearest of the dear. He is closer to you than the very thoughts with which you pray to Him.”

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4/25/14 Sometimes I’m “in the pocket,” one with God. These are the most amazing experiences, when I experience the complete clarity that always accompanies Truth. In the pocket today I experienced God’s sense of humor when He promised to be with me always - by delivering the song, “Come Rain or Come Shine!” at precisely the right moment, clear as a bell, clearly understood, funny as heck. In the moment I was acutely aware that it hadn’t come from me. God seems to have fun sending me messages through music! He is always with me. It was only my ego and mind that formerly interfered. Now I’m able to relax in a deeper conversation with Him. 5/18/14 I’ve been asking to receive my karmic lessons, and I’m receiving them in spades - lessons about personal space, acceptance, letting go of attachments and accepting a sense of my oneness with everything. When Will and Mel returned last night six days early from their Mt. Whitney trip, my spiritual seclusion ended abruptly. I’m having a difficult time letting go of that attachment. After not accepting it terribly well, I experienced another invasion of my privacy when an unwelcome acquaintance joined the violin workshop after a ten-year run without that person’s presence. The workshop is my personal escape and my passion, and I was disappointed that this acquaintance

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had invaded “my” space. I immediately recognized the intended lesson – I must not harbor these attachments. But how do I change? 7/23/14 I haven’t had much interest in writing lately, but I don’t want to fall too far behind. I’m unsure where to begin, or how to explain the many subtle and magnificent changes. Some of them may not actually be subtle. Here are a few. The most important change: Increased attunement. I no longer doubt that God is always with me. At the outset of this journey I experienced so many large spiritual events that I began to expect them, thinking of those major experiences as the normal guidance. I’m grateful for the trials by fire that helped me build a foundation of faith. Those experiences were too grand to overlook, and forced me to examine the impossible. I had to accept and face that something significant was happening, and ponder the possibilities. God knew that only a dramatic indoctrination would capture my attention and make me change my life’s direction. But my dramatic entry into the spiritual life, which continued for more than a year, created a personal misconception about what to expect as I moved forward. I believed that those large events reflected the level of spiritual experience about which others were speaking. And, to an extent, I believe they were. But I now understand that they were exceptional. They were tremendous gifts of Grace for which I’m profoundly grateful. And God made them large enough that I would be forced to stop and question my for-

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mer fixed beliefs. Nothing less would have driven me to look at other possibilities. But I’ve changed. I understand now that God and Guru are always with me, even in the ordinary events of the day. I’m learning how to deepen my attunement to their subtle presence, and hear their constant, whispered guidance. A shared a conversation with Narayan recently helped initiate a new understanding. It helped me know that the best way to develop receptivity is to open myself to it in the quiet time after Kriya, when the techniques have been done and I can relax into expanded consciousness. I’ve experienced the expansion many times, but I now understand the power of it in a more visceral way. I’m understanding that bliss and perfect clarity ARE guidance, and that guidance doesn’t always have to come in the form of the literal voice I’ve experienced in the past, or the massive events of my spiritual initiation. It can also be, and more often is, a subtle ego-less space where my mind expands into a broader consciousness without effort on my part, and I experience a part of the universe where truth, bliss and clarity reside. Nothing is random. Of this I am now certain. We are free to walk anywhere we like on the train toward Self-realization. But the train is out of our control. The conductor is God. Each soul will eventually reunite with God and achieve Self-realization. Even the most corrupt, ego-filled, power-driven, unsavory people are no less worthy of our unconditional love than anyone else, and will arrive at the same Self-realized destination. The only difference is that they are

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more deeply rooted in ego and haven’t yet realize that they are on this path. Karma is the driving force behind our experiences. Each day is filled with gifts, God-given opportunities to avoid repeating our past erroneous decisions. I’m learning to think of the lessons (gifts) and tune into the karmic patterns behind my everyday, non-random experiences. What a beautiful thing it is to recognize a given lesson, respond with love, and feel the resolution. Learning to love all does not mean we must subjugate ourselves to others’ power as weaklings or patsies. Love empowers us. It makes us stronger. True love is found when we experience our true nature as divine souls without ego attachments, and respond from that egoless state. Learning to respond without attachments to power, identity, money, control, emotions, or doubts requires deep, earnest self-study and a willingness to change everything about ourselves. It’s the much harder road because it demands that we respond from our highest potential. That state of Self-realization, of union with God, is our ultimate destination and the end of this plane of existence. 8/3/14 About a month ago I felt inwardly moved to join the Nayaswami order by taking the vows of a Tyagi - one who enters the preliminary stage, as a married person, toward sannyas, or complete renunciation. It was a very personal, inner expression of my commitment to my journey. Without hesitation in my heart, I approached

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Dharmadevi and Narayan to ask them for the opportunity. It was an expression of my certainty that this is my path, and my heart’s desire that it be the central focus of my life. It was a public declaration of the strength of my commitment. And, far more important, it was an expression of my inward devotion and determination. The first lines of the Tyaga vow are, “I understand, and fully accept, that the true purpose of life for all human beings is to seek God. In pursuit of that goal, I offer my own life unreservedly to seeking my own Divine Source.” The experience was perfect.

8/10/14 Here are some memories that I may not have written about. Google: (Kind of funny in retrospect.) I remember that my first experiences of divine energy in my spine were powerful, clear, and accompanied by a rising energy that was too physically real to be denied. Although the experiences sent me into panic and confusion, I knew with a sure intuition that it was an expression of “energy,” and not an abstract thought or merely a subtle feeling. It felt as if an electrical current was running through my spine. And because I had no context for the experience, I did what any good citizen of the digital era would do – I Googled it. I seem to recall searching for: “energy flowing up the spine!”

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The resulting pages gave me my first exposure to language about the subtle energy body. It still seems very funny to me that I was so completely oblivious of anything remotely intuitive or spiritual. I had literally zero awareness of my spiritual body, much less of my Higher Self. And another look backward: The evolution of my meditation practice. Meditation has become the cornerstone of my daily life, and integral to my happiness. Without it, I feel out of balance, disconnected from God and from inner peacefulness, calmness, and joy. The absence of meditation brings an infusion of negativity into my life. Challenges that would not otherwise generally bother or distract me become much more prominent and agitating. It feels as if the higher awareness is being at least partly replaced by ego-attachments and neediness. In that space, it’s much harder to remain happy and to respond with love. I meditate twice a day, only rarely just once a day. I haven’t missed a single day since my Kriya initiation five months ago. Sometimes enforcing meditation time around others is a challenge, since I haven’t often made a point of expressing to them its importance in my life. Critically important: Where I used to need big, bold interventions from God to be reassured that He was with me, I no longer do. I’m becoming comfortable with the feeling of a more subtle but constant connection with Him. I more easily experience the loving intuitive guidance that is always with me. I understand the Guru’s words, “I am always as close as you

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think me to be.” It’s literally true – I can receive God’s guidance, or ignore it and have to repeat the lesson until I get it right. A simple process, not always easy to practice, but it’s becoming easier.

8/11/14 “What is the purpose of life?” I’m not sure I can articulate it as well as I can now viscerally understand it, but I’ll try. The purpose of life is to reunite with God. There’s a beautiful simplicity to the path of Self-realization - but it’s not easy. Simple but not easy - a contradiction that exists firmly and beautifully within God’s scheme of duality by which all things exist.

8/18/14 “Everything is in God’s hands, and you are His tool to be used by Him as He pleases. Try to grasp the significance of “All is His” and you will immediately feel free of all burdens.” - Anandamoyi Ma 8/20/14 Reminder: Don’t push away the people or things I don’t want in my life. Remember: God is in all of them. Everyone and everything is in our lives for a reason, to show us something we must become aware of in ourselves. I must say “thank you” to everyone for helping me see beyond what I know.

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It’s not my job to fix or change others, only myself. The things I do that separate me from God because they aren’t done with love create my own suffering. 8/26/14 When this journey began I assembled a core team of support people that I trusted not to judge me for the stories I would share, and whose knowledge and experience I respected. Without exception, the team members have provided exactly what I needed. It was only Pastor Mike whose beliefs differed so radically from my own that I eventually had to discontinue our meetings. Still, our respectful disagreements provided a helpful contrast, and opportunities to search for my own inner clarity. Because Mike was embedded in the dogmas of religion, he pushed concepts that I have since learned from my own inner experience and by divine grace are simply not true. A significant difference was his insistence that Jesus is the only begotten Son of God and the only Savior for all mankind – if we’re believers and accept that we are all sinners. It was difficult to stand firm in my new beliefs, against the knowledge of someone like Pastor Mike who had a Ph.D. in theology and knew infinitely more than I about religion and history. Mike also had decades of experience in a field where I had just dipped a toe. Yet I knew intuitively that I would never come to terms with his beliefs. Now that I somewhat better understand my higher Self, I

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understand that truth is something very different than what Mike tried to represent to me. And I’ve gained enough confidence in my views and this path to explain the differences. Christ consciousness is not Jesus Christ, the man. Mike claimed that Jesus the human being is the only son of God. But we are all equally sons of God, made from His vibration. “Christ consciousness” is what every one of us is made from. We have only masked that sure knowing with the ego’s false self-definitions. We access our highest potential when we withdraw from the ego’s snares, and instead sanctify our ego in divine Love, uniting ourselves with God in our own higher consciousness. “I and my Father are One” can be said by every soul who achieves union with the Divine. “I” then, does not refer to the little human ego, but to the expanded consciousness of our Soul in communion with God. Jesus himself said that he would give to all those who received Him the power to become the Sons of God. To “receive Him” meant that they would make the conscious choice to have a personal, inner relationship with God, to pursue union with Him experientially, and uplift their consciousness in receptivity to His love. Every soul is on the same path with the same destiny of bliss in reunion with God. All that separates us is our awareness of that truth. I’ve experienced the joy of personal inner communion with God. I understand how patient God has been with me, and that He never thinks of me as a sinner. He helps me to understand that I am pure love, made of His energy but wrapped in my self-created delusions of separateness.

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How beautifully loving, kind and generous He has been during the eons I’ve wandered through the universe, wallowing in human delusion. I now understand that His loving guidance has always been with me, but I was unwilling or unable to understand. Self-realization is about removing all of the self-created delusions that separate me from Him - put simply, it’s about removing my ego attachments. I’m deepening my understanding of my personal relationship with Him, realizing that He was always waiting for me. I understand that although I turned away from God for eons, He never punished me. He does not punish. He waits patiently, continuing to love and guide me until I am ready. I AM READY. This is the sole focus of my life. 10/1/14 The ashram no longer exists. There will no longer be a gathering place for like-minded souls, spiritual conversation, support, and energy-renewal. I have so many wonderful memories from the two years of hanging out there, talking, asking questions, sharing, learning, laughing... The news of the change initially made me panic, an obvious sign that I had some work to do. The lesson: to find strength within myself and know that my faith is now strong enough to move forward without access to the ashram. It took no more than a day to adjust. How perfectly God

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provided the ashram at the inception of my journey, literally in the first few weeks. Purusha, a friend on the spiritual path, introduced me to Ananda, for which I’m eternally grateful. I cannot imagine growing spiritually as much as I have in these first two years without the loving support of Dharmadevi and Narayan. It’s a most beautiful example of the right people and circumstances being provided in God’s perfect timing. It’s also perfect that I must now stand firmly in my faith, on my own. I am ready. 10/5/14 Two recent lessons: While meditating, I often struggle with excitement when I experience divine energy. In that excitement, I create way too much internal dialogue: Am I doing this right? What should I do with the energy? How much concentration should I apply toward raising the energy to the point between the eyebrows? How can I do that? Am I breathing properly? Sometimes I focus on the chakras, trying to “will” the energy to flow through them. I become a mess of inner dialogue and unfocused effort. But the unfocused energy is beginning to shift toward inner calmness, thanks to a growing, deeper understanding that my true home is in union with God. I’m also applying the calm awareness learned in meditation to all of my activities. The second lesson:

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I’ve had doubts about the quality of my meditation and of my Kriyas. But recently, while listening to Swami’s AKASH classes, I was riveted by a passage in which he addressed a person’s concerns about the quality of their meditations. Swamji clarified that all of our efforts to meditate, and to connect with and love God, when performed with devotion, must be considered excellent meditations. There are no bad meditations. God doesn’t expect perfection, nor does He punish us for our less than perfect efforts. He expects heart and devotion. These I have in abundance. Swami’s comments freed me to relax. Listening to his remarks somehow gave me peace. 10/15/14 An interesting day... I’m sick with flu-like symptoms, but I’m mending quickly. I’m recognizing this illness as a perfectly presented, non-random opportunity for growth. I was meant to rest, and just focus with devotion on spiritual growth and guidance. I’ve come a very long way. Doubt has been absent for some time. The shift required enormous willingness to change myself and let go of my old stories. Here I stand. I had an interesting experience about a year ago (explained elsewhere in this journal) when a CD that I inserted in my computer was, let’s just say, different than I anticipated. Despite support from other people, it was almost impossible for me to accept that it was a divine gift meant for me. I was new to spirituality, and I was unable to relax my doubts and my

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habit of analysis. I’ve now experienced enough to recognize it as what it was. Today brought a similar experience. I’ve almost given up trying to manage my audio recordings. They seem to be presented exactly as I’m meant to listen to them, despite my efforts to exert control. It’s difficult to type this, yet I’m forced to accept the fact - sometimes an audio will just “happen.” It was Fran who helped me accept the truth of these divine gifts. I intentionally, carefully, and completely deleted all of the audio books from my phone because I needed the extra storage space. It’s too complicated to explain all of the manifestations of what happened next, but it was clear that what I “thought” I wanted to hear wouldn’t be available to me, and what I “must” hear would be there. I’ve actually stopped fighting and questioning these experiences. Instead, I understand that I must listen to whatever is placed before me. I find God’s use of audios in my life very humorous. A book I that clearly deleted because it required about six hours of storage space reappeared and was the ONLY file that would open among all the other types of files on my phone. By now I no longer question the origins of these experiences. When the one oddly accessible audio that I had deleted along with all the others opened up, it was about four and a half hours into a six-hour discussion. Odd! At that exact moment in the audio, the precise guidance I’d been praying for in an area where I’d been struggling was presented in extended detail. The audio began at the exact word, at the beginning of a section that spoke very specifically to my needs. It was

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beyond perfect, and I will listen to this hour-long guidance again. I understand that most people will be able to explain these things away with reason and logic. I would absolutely have done the same before my journey began. But there’s now a sure inner knowing in my heart, and I’ve gathered enough similar experiences to understand them as the divine gifts they are. And I know that nothing is EVER random. 10/20/14 To know myself free from over-analyzing is freedom from pain. Fear and judgment - including self-judgments, – are symptoms of attachment to the little ego. True, unconditional love is never selective and so must also include loving myself. Divine experiences of inner freedom from ego place us in the most blissful, perfect state of being. But pain, which is the opposite of that blissful state, also has its purpose. Becoming aware of emotional discord brings an opportunity to recognize areas of ego attachment that need work. I understand that my job is not to change others, but only myself. Change begins by recognizing when I’m reacting from a non-loving place of judgment or from emotional attachment to the outcome. Recognizing my faults and being willing to change is difficult, but it’s the foundation of Self-realization. 10/25/14

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About two weeks ago, I received permission to increase my Kriyas from twenty-four twice a day to forty-eight twice a day. It was also suggested that I do a full set of a hundred and eight once a week. After two weeks I’m noticing a definite increase in the flow of energy in the spine. I’m able to remain in meditation longer and deeper, and I’m finding it exciting. I’ve drawn great inspiration from a saying by Paramhansa Yogananda: “My meditations begin where others’ leave off.” Many times in my meditations I’ve experienced the beauty of pushing beyond the time when I’d have liked to get up. Formerly, after I’d completed my practice of the formal meditation techniques and was “listening and receiving,” mental gymnastics would find their way into my mind and limit my focus and my ability to continue meditating. The inspiration of Yogananda’s words quoted above, added to deepening feelings of devotion that accompany the increased Kriyas, has helped me push beyond my usual time in meditation. That’s when the best feelings of union with God occur, and when my intuition deepens. The joy often comes in waves. The longer I sit in the quiet after the meditation techniques, the greater the waves of oneness, intuition, and connection. Something new happened last night in that quiet period. I’m confident that it will happen again, and that I’ll eventually understand it better. For now, this is all I know: in the quiet place after I was done with techniques, I sat listening for guidance. My heart was calm, my thoughts were uplifted and devotional, and my body felt energized and peaceful.

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Earlier in the day I had laughed to myself about my need to be more silent in this part of my meditations. I laughed in the recognition that God couldn’t get a word in edgewise, what with my constant internal dialogue and questioning: am I doing this right, is my focus correct, am I trying too hard or not hard enough? I entered last night’s meditation determined to stop the chatter. As soon as I reminded myself of the need to stop the restless thoughts and allowed my mind to quiet, “it” happened. It was strong, undeniable, forceful, and different from anything I’d experienced. Simultaneously, I experienced several things: intense heat in my upper body, an expansion of mind, and a feeling that my heart and my breathing might stop – I couldn’t tell which it was. The sensations were strong, striking like a powerful force, not mildly. The most significant aspect seemed to be a subtle desire to stop breathing. There was no fear, it was all loving and good. I tried to remain calm, and was able to do so, but I yearned for the experience to continue. I pushed through wave after wave as I swam with the inspiration of Master’s words, riding the experience in several waves over the next hour. None were quite as shockingly strong as the first. After I’d ridden the waves for an hour it was past midnight and I was tired and gave in to mental distractions. I have no idea what it was, other than a sure knowing that it was God-given; that God was providing exactly what was perfect for me at the moment, and that it was a growth into a new, deeper phase. I know somehow that it will come again and that I’ll grow into an understanding of the experience. 10/26/14

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Today I gained a true, inner understanding of something important in my life. I’d been questioning, when in the same moment I “heard” something from within that precisely answered my inquiring thoughts. Why am I surprised? I should be getting used to this. Question: Why did I so clearly feel a call to build violins that day years ago in Chasha’s shop? Why was the intuition so clear? It was one of the first times I can recall receiving such clear guidance. The clarity I received in this morning’s meditation was this: the precision required to build violins forced me to learn to slow down and focus my attention. It taught me to embody calm patience and try my best, rather than rush forward and accept “good enough.” It taught me that merely getting something done isn’t the goal. The goal is to do my best and accept my best efforts without judgment. God doesn’t expect us to be perfect. He expects our best effort. Even before I found this path, I spoke in spiritual terms about building violins. I spoke of building violins as similar to a meditation, even before I’d learned to meditate. When I build I am inward, peaceful, quiet, deeply focused, and filled with joy. I am present in the moment. From this morning’s meditation I finally understand: my goal is to do my best with single-pointed concentration, joy, and self-acceptance. I can apply the same lesson to everything in my life. I can continue to build with these spiritual lessons in mind.

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I can build from inner joy, expanded consciousness, and awareness of myself as one with the Infinite. I now better understand how perfectly the joyful craft of building violins was placed in my life to help me learn these lessons. Just as in meditation, it brings together the relaxed body, calm breath, and focused concentration to take me into a place of stillness deep within. From there I work in silent inner joy. I must apply this centeredness to everything in my life. A practical challenge to remaining centered: don’t hate those who do ill to me. Instead, strive to understand their situation. Remain calmly centered in higher consciousness and unconditional Love, rather than react from the little ego. This doesn’t mean that when someone behaves badly I must let them to walk over me. I must learn to see them as God does. It’s a much harder challenge that requires much greater inner strength. Yet if I do less, I fall short of my spiritual goal which is calm centeredness in unconditional Love. 11/16/14 I’ve very joyfully spent the last six days in seclusion. Seclusion, to me, means removing all worldly interactions including social media, phone, and interpersonal contacts. It’s not just about spending a relaxing time alone. It’s very intentional, with all my energy focused inward in meditation and self-offering to God. Every seclusion I’ve experienced has brought a deeply fulfilling connection with God, accompanied by conversations with Him, a sense of inner growth, and increased self-understanding.

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Having a week free of all responsibilities, with the freedom to meditate at any time of day or night, feels wonderful. I more easily remain inward, joyfully immersed in devotion, and I can completely understand the calling to a hermit’s life. The week in seclusion was great. There were no huge “events” this time. They were replaced by an understanding that my goal is to know God more deeply and steadily, to release the ego’s attachments and strengthen my attunement to the inner guidance. I’m so happy. I’m feeling, understanding, and connecting with the constancy of God’s loving presence in my life at every moment of every day, always. I no longer question that presence, and I’ve begun to “feel” His guidance regularly with a clear intuitive understanding. I recognize the origin of my thoughts as Him, and how my thoughts feel so different and pure when they aren’t bound up with my emotions – when I’m relaxed and connected to my Soul, disconnected from the ego, and in that place where all thoughts are God’s. I am changing daily. I must change myself rather than fight to try to change others. I’m accepting that every challenge is a God-given opportunity to respond from my higher Self rather than from ego. When I respond from ego, I can be sure that another opportunity will be presented to learn and change. This is the nature of Self-realization in a nutshell – it’s about working with our karma and purifying the ego. My needs, fears, desires, and the limited definitions of who I am are slowly being replaced by the knowledge of myself as part of God. 11/27/14 Thanksgiving

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Today I heard God. I began my meditation by reminding myself that God is and has always been with me, thus I only need to relax and allow Grace to enter. I visualized our merging – though it can be challenging to visualize something so far beyond human understanding. It was a beautiful experience. Grace appeared as clear, intuitive guidance and peaceful Love. Today is Thanksgiving. I am beyond thankful for the miraculous changes in my life, and for God’s love and patience. I am thankful for my deepening devotion and for the perfection with which God delivers lessons that are both difficult and fulfilling. I look forward to serving His will when I figure out what He wants from me. If I were asked today to describe myself in three words, they would undoubtedly be: Faithful, Devotional, and Loving. This Thanksgiving I can more deeply than ever understand the meaning of gratitude. 12/24/14 Christmas Eve with family in Colorado. Three entries follow. I’m feeling tested on several fronts. I’m trying to remain centered and remember that our tests are perfect opportunities to resolve our karma. I’m giving everything I can to meet the tests, by surrendering all my humanness and, to the very best of my ability, remaining present in higher consciousness. This is not easy. I feel close to overwhelmed. I need to talk to someone, but I also believe it’s a particular

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test of mine to trust the inner relationship with God, and turn to Him alone for guidance. Still, I want to talk with someone I trust. Instead of sleeping, I tossed all night, my mind filled with spirituality. I felt a clear guidance to pass up my family’s outdoor Christmas Eve adventure later today. I’m also yearning for a spiritual space for meditation and inner communion amid the larger-than-normal and louder-than-normal Christmas holiday chaos. I know my family will be upset if I don’t join them, but I sensed a lesson was being given to me: that I must not allow others’ wishes to come before my spiritual needs and my commitment to my daily practice. This awareness placed me in direct conflict with the pull to try to please my family. I feel very clearly that God is teaching me the lesson, and it’s very uncomfortable. It was painful to watch my family depart without me. Left alone in a hotel room, I hoped that my intuition was correct. Can I trust my attunement? Our kids live in different states, and I have so little time with them. I longed to go along with them, but I feared that I’d be ignoring the subtle guidance. I’m surrendering all that I am to what I believe He is telling me. Am I hearing the guidance correctly? Was it His loving guidance? Was there a reason why I shouldn’t be with my family on Christmas eve? Was it a test of my trust in God? Would God really make me choose between my family and my spiritual life? It was a tough call, but I’ve learned to trust myself. Later in the day…

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I should have trusted that God was in charge and that nothing is random. The challenge felt deeply emotional, and emotionally charged events always provide perfect opportunities to change. The lesson was reinforced when my family returned and explained the circumstances of the day. I must stop doubting the guidance that I feel. Each of them said in their own way that it was for the best that I hadn’t been with them. I’m hoping that the next time I won’t doubt. 2/12/15 One of the major ego issues I struggled with before entering this path was a tendency to judge others according to their intellectual capacity. I very wrongly placed undue importance on the intellect, and as a result I’ve often endured the crippling karmic results in the form of my own harsh self-judgments. Being asked to lead classes is pushing me to overcome those self-deprecating egoic judgments. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want to serve people in the many wonderful ways that I’ve been served. When someone asks for my help, I want to be able to provide the same high level of support I’ve received. But I’m terrified. My self-deprecating judgments and the resulting fear of failure are interfering with my ability to serve others. I’m sure that my own self-judgment is the result of my long habit of judging others harshly. I believe I’ve experienced persecution in past lives, possibly even in severe forms, for expressing my spiritual beliefs. I’ve done some past-life regression work with Fran – not a lot, but enough to suspect that these thoughts are very likely based

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in reality. At the same time, I’m aware that the events of my past lives don’t ultimately matter. All I care about is the present, and doing all I can to remain centered in God without self-deprecation that closes my heart. I’m concerned that people might leave the classes I’ll lead without having felt supported. I’m being given this opportunity so that I can let go of these fears, and simply trust that God is working through me. It’s not about me. I must let go and offer myself as a pure channel. I must not let my human fears block God’s Grace. I’d begun to lead classes at Ananda. And I was finding that it was a perfect but very painful karmic gift. My primary struggle was with my own fear of failure. But fear is ego – it’s the little human self declaring that it wants to be perfect. And while the fears are self-deprecating (“I’m not good enough”) rather than self-inflating, they are still ego-driven. They are the ego telling self-limiting stories that contract my ability to serve, and they’re the diametric opposite of feeling centered, secure and empowered in Higher Consciousness. I’ve been learning to trust myself as a channel for God, the Doer behind all things. My job is to show up with an open heart that’s receptive to the flow of Grace. I must trust that He knows precisely what the people sitting before me need to hear, and that He’ll use me as His channel. He would never have placed me in these situations unless He wanted me to be there. And yet, again and again it has been difficult to learn to surrender my sense of ego, especially the ego’s intrusive, self-deprecating thoughts. I believed for years that my fear was due to caring deeply about serving perfectly, but I’ve realized that it was actually a fear of surrendering completely

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– of sanctifying my ego by immersing it completely in Divine Love. The Sanskrit term “samskara” refers to the energies we’ve built up by our past actions that now make it hard for us to change our present behavior. If I was greedy for many lives, believing I could get whatever I wanted by whatever possible means, and if I lied without remorse in the attempt, I would have fed so much energy into the behavior that it would make it difficult to change those behaviors in this lifetime. But if in this recent life I sometimes procrastinate, trying to increase my productivity will be a lot simpler than trying to stop lying. There would be a great deal more momentum and energy behind the habit of lying due to the many incarnations I spent building that emotionally charged habit. Imagine unplugging an electric fan – the fan continues to spin because of the momentum created by the energy that was fed into it. We’re like the fan. When we invest a lot of energy in a behavior by repeating a behavior for a long time, it will take lots of energy applied in the opposite direction to dampen its momentum. That was my story with fear. I’d fed the beast for a long time with lots of energy, and now I’m trying to neutralize it by putting out energy in the opposite direction. In my case, the opposite direction looks like showing up and working hard with a joyful attitude, even when it’s uncomfortable, over and over, until the energy of the samskara is neutralized. There are other ways to neutralize our samskars, including asking God for help. We can practice prayers and affirmations to build new energetic patterns in the mind. We can choose to live an uplifting life and magnetize our energy by aspiring to union with God. We can be vigilant and observant, stopping negative behaviors and thoughts before we slip into feeding them more energy. And as a result of our efforts Divine Grace may finally step in and declare, “Enough!” and end the karmic pattern.

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3/3/15 Dear Dharmadevi & Narayan, I remain confused about something and I’m asking for your guidance. The responsibility to lead group classes is exciting. I realize the opportunity is an enormous divine gift. I’m excited about the personal growth I know will result. I embrace the challenge, in fact I love the challenge, and I’m unendingly grateful for it. I’m very happy despite the confusion I’m about to describe. I feel, as all of us in Ananda do, a ceaseless desire to serve His will. But I remain confused about the conflict between my surrender to Him and my inability to feel capable of serving Him well enough. I know He is the doer behind all things. I show up to serve to the best of my ability with a full heart. I have complete faith that He guides my entire life, and that doing my best is all I can do. Earlier today I read something that Jyotish said. Loosely paraphrased, “How can I possibly believe God has guided my entire life, yet doubt that He will be with me in this challenge?” When I face my challenge, I feel alone, not that God is by my side. How am I blocking myself from feeling His guidance? I wish I could feel His words flow through me, but I am unaware of them. I’m aware of showing up lovingly, of trying to do my best, of the need to prepare, and of my challenges in feeling prepared. I live and breathe the quote, “To those who think Me near, I am near.” I want to believe that God will guide my voice so that it isn’t about my human need to prepare. When I’m completely relaxed and falling asleep at night, I effortlessly have beautiful, perfect classes running through my head. But I can’t remember them in the morning. Why can’t I remember something so significant, beautiful and important?

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I feel I am supposed to be doing what I’m doing and that I’m headed in the right direction, and yet I feel incapacitated by poor memory. Has my ego worked my mind into this stage all by itself? Can I turn it around by myself, or does God need to take charge and decide when or if it’s time for the change to occur, and manifest it Himself? I’ve gone the route where I believe I can change myself in an instant by pure will. I know this is possible. I’ve prayed, meditated, changed my thoughts to “I can” from “I can’t,” and yet I remain crippled by my ego. I’ve been trying to work through this with God’s help, not wanting to drag you in. I’m trying so hard to find my way through this on my own, but I feel I need guidance and I’m not feeling it from God. What am I doing to myself that prevents me from receiving that guidance? I will prevail. I surrender to the task with complete love. But I need direction and help in processing my confusion because I’m not feeling guidance from God. Why? With deep appreciation, gratitude and love, J 3/4/15 Dear Jennifer, We’re happy to hear how your enthusiasm for leading the group continues to build. Service is joy. The topic of this past Sunday service was “By Thinking Can We Arrive at Understanding?” This reminds me of your question. We can’t think our way to truth. We have to open our hearts and minds for purification. The fact that you can’t remember things for class

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is not surprising. It happens to me too! I have ideas, notes, and I forget them. Perhaps you’re picking it up by the wrong thread. What do they (the students) need to hear? Pray that Master and Divine Mother flood you with the inspiration and attunement to share according to their will. When I used to be in sales, there was a sales crime called “pushing your own agenda.” I’m not saying you are doing that at all - in fact you are one of the most sensitive people I know. Still, I think it’s a helpful reminder. Forget what you know, and meditate and pray to be in tune. That is much more important than knowing every aspect of the teachings. The teachings are secondary to discipleship and attunement. Share Master’s vibration through your attunement to him in deep meditation. If you’re feeling alone, you’ve been duped by your ego. That’s okay. It happens to all of us. This is why I continue to encourage you to listen to more chanting, to get the subtle support of the Masters in the background of your mind. Chanting is half the battle. It will

help you cut the Gordian Knot of your intellectual doubting by developing deeper love for Divine Mother.

Chant, sing, listen to some of Swami’s music. Try Radio Ananda. Have that on in the background rather than regular pop music. Music is vibration. It helps us raise our level of energy and consciousness. When you don’t feel in tune with God’s love and inspiration, smile anyway and know that He is “just the same with you.” Nearer than the nearest...until all your thoughts melt into knowing, knower, and known as one! With love in Master, Narayan 171

Ten: Channels Divine Guidance comes in many forms. God’s creativity is endless, so must be His ways of communicating with us. Among the greatest gifts I’ve received is access to great souls whose lives are dedicated in service to God and to serving as pure channels of the Light. Looking back through the journal, I can’t help but see the abundance of my written requests for guidance that exposed my naiveté and confusion while I recovered from temporary atheism. But the letters also expose God’s magnificent way of using people as His channels. Every letter in which I asked for help was met be a Grace-full response from sincere souls who had attuned themselves to the divine will. They provided a beautiful example for me to follow. Sprinkled throughout the following section are some of the many letters in which I sought support, and the beautiful responses received.

3/24/15 Dear Dharmadevi and Narayan, I’m seeking advice please. I’m thinking about tomorrow’s meditation group and the week’s theme of “Willingness.” The prayer for tomorrow reads, “Lord help me to overcome the Satanic pull of unwillingness. The more I embrace life in Your name, the more I feel Your joy.” I have never used the word “Satan.” I’m entirely unfamiliar with

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its use and true meaning. I would feel better using it in a discussion and in a prayer if you would please help me understand it’s meaning. Ironically (well, I should expect this by now) this ties in perfectly with a beautiful conversation I shared yesterday with Drupada. It quickly focused in on my struggle to let go of my remaining fears of failure, and to trust that God will flow through me while I’m leading a class. I must allow my heart to lead in everything I do without fearing that God will leave me stranded. (A good starting point would be to show up without a cheat sheet in my pocket - but it’s terrifying.) I seem to be heading in a direction of deeper service, where I must be willing to let go and surrender myself completely as a channel, without fearing that God will leave me stranded. I see the change coming. I feel it. I’ve even expressed to you my sense that I must stretch and do more. Without success in my rearview mirror, the willingness to let go and trust that He will flow through me is a challenge. This week’s prayer so directly speaks to this. If my feelings of fear and unwillingness to let my heart lead me are what God refers to as Satan, I understand. The word is distracting, with its historical associations with flames, evil, and darkness. I know that darkness is not what’s inside me. So I’m confused and would like your help in understanding so that I can discuss it tomorrow. With love, J Dear Jennifer, Satan is that force which tries consciously to keep us separate from God. Satan, or Maya, is a reality, but on a deeper level we under-

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stand Satan as an agent for God. “All is Vasudeva.” All is God. God actually created the Satanic force, as crazy as that sounds, to generate a tension that keeps the drama of His creation continually projecting. For us, the important thing to remember is that we have the free will and the willingness to choose God or reject him. There is a story in The New Path that illustrates this point (at the bottom of the message). We are all players, and we have the power to choose to be willing joyful channels for the light, or if we sink into our subconscious lower tendencies, we’ll become agents of delusion. Be of good cheer! You have dedicated yourself inwardly to God and Guru. Satan means identifying with anything less than your ultimate reality. Yes, the fear and unwillingness that you feel (and that we all feel at times) are Satanic forces. To overcome them, say, “YES!” and make it snappy as Sister Gyanamata said. That’s what you are doing. You are serving. Say YES! without over-analyzing. Through that power of positivity, you will draw on the Guru which is the positive force that is pulling you, making you one with God. I suggest speaking from your own experience. Try to understand it inwardly. YES! Love, N P.S. A story from The New Path Late one afternoon we were sitting with Master on a little porch outside the sitting room where he dictated his writings. After several minutes of silence, Master posed me an unexpected question. “What keeps the earth from shooting out into space, away from the sun?” Surprised, and not as yet familiar with the cryptic way he often

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taught us, I assumed he simply wanted a lesson in astronomy. “It’s the sun’s gravitational pull, Sir,” I explained. “Then what keeps the earth from being drawn back into the sun?” “That’s the earth’s centrifugal force, pulling it constantly outward. If the sun’s gravity weren’t as strong as it is, we’d shoot off into space, out of the solar system altogether.” Master smiled significantly. Had he intended more than I realized? Some months later I recalled this conversation and understood that he had been speaking metaphorically of God as the sun, drawing all things back to Himself, and of man as the earth, resisting with desires and self-interest the pull of divine love. 3/19/15 Dear Jennifer, We don’t manufacture enlightenment, we receive it. Confusion comes with excessive reliance on reasoning. God did not create us, but became us. We are co-creators with his Infinite Spirit. Since we are children of God, he has given us the gift of free will. We can accept Him or reject Him. This is where our ego can cloud our true soul nature. Yes, “All is Vasudeva.” All is God, but the misuse of our God-given free will (that’s our ego) creates separation. This is how the ego creates delusions. Strive then to attune yourself to God’s consciousness. He created the force that propels us away from Him, yet He eternally draws us toward Him. This is the eternal paradox of creation. That is why Master prayed, “Lord, I didn’t ask to be created...you created me, so you must release me!”

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We don’t have to understand it all. More important, surrender yourself to that Infinite one Who is playing through our Guru. Pray to him in that way that you use your free will rightly, in attunement with Him - ”I will, will, I will reason, I will act...” Then darkness like a dark bird will fly away...oh fly away! Love, Narayan 4/26/15 Dear Narayan, I’ve been thinking about this a lot today - your explanation was perfectly helpful. Thank you. I can grasp Satan as the force that creates desire for things other than God, urging me to accept the illusion, wanting to prevent my complete union with God. I can now give an identity to this strong pull. And as part of God’s creation, like all other things, it’s part of duality, keeping God’s dream going. Yes? But the beauty of it is that it forces me to resist, to want God even more, to try even harder, to fight for what I want, and in doing so, affirming for myself how deeply I want God. The word “Satan” felt foreign. But by helping me understand that we each already have experienced this so many times, you gave identity to the familiar struggle to remove fear. That we have free will to choose God in every moment is the beautiful solution. Thank you. Love, J

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4/26/15 I’ve been thinking about my conversation with Drupada and listening to it again. What I’ve learned so far: I must love and have compassion for all others and see God in them. Service helps. It takes me outside of myself and helps me realize that it’s not about me. For now, my service is leading community classes. Although painful, the alternative is to remain in my solitude, believing “No, I can’t or won’t do that.” I will never grow if I don’t push myself. I must find the balance. Even though it’s uncomfortable, it’s also expanding, and it’s how I will spiritually grow closer to God. I must remember, “The instrument is blessed by that which flows through it.” I must let go of doubt, remembering that it’s all God anyway, and in those moments of stress, search for God as He’s flowing through me. I will balance my habits of wanting to be a hermit with being outward and serving. Drupada similarly surrounds himself with books, trying to gain understanding, as I do. At a similar crossroad, when he was feeling uncomfortably pushed outside himself in service, he heard God say, “Open your book and read.” Randomly he opened a book and placed his finger on a passage: “It will take you lifetimes to know everything about the universe. Get in touch with Me and I will tell you all you need to know.” The point being: we must lead with our hearts and allow God to channel His love through us.

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5/1/15 I’m re-reading God Alone, The Life & Letters of Sister Gyanamata. This, to me, feels like what others must experience when they read the Bible. There’s an energetic connection. I could read it over and over, always finding deeper meaning. When Dharmadevi asked me to give a presentation about a female saint, I chose Gyanamata. I was meant to do this assignment. While reading about her, I feel in my heart the quote that Drupada mentioned: “It will take you lifetimes to understand all there is to know about the universe. Give your heart to me and I will tell you all you need to know.” It speaks of perfect faith and attunement, which Gyanamata demonstrated so perfectly. Gyanamata said, “God Alone!” Period. This is why I’ve always felt so wonderful while reading her story. She demonstrated exactly that which I crave - perfect devotion. She is the embodiment of that quality of receptivity to God’s presence in all things. Reading and thinking about her helps me find my way back to lessons I know I’ve learned and understood before. This journey is not new to my soul, it’s just new to this incarnation. When Dharmadevi asked me to present a female saint to the group I immediately wanted to bolt. But I’m accepting it lovingly and giving my best effort with all my heart. Look at how God has given me exactly what I needed – I had only to trust. Later in the same day…

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My sense of purpose is expanding. I’m clear that I want to serve, and that I must. I was nervous that this year of amazing growth was coming to an end. Drupada said that it would extend from June 2014 through July 2015. I’m grateful beyond words for the gifts I’ve received during this time. There have been many gifts, but the year has primarily been about receiving faith and devotion. Look at where I am now! My heart is committed to God, my purpose is to reunite fully with Him. My time is spent devotionally, with God always first. I’m stunned - but how happy I am. Over the past year I have been given riches of devotion. Now I must get rid of all the last cords binding me to selfdoubt. I must learn to see God first in everything, in all actions, people, events, things, energy - and myself. I must open my heart to His will in everything I do, recognizing that my actions must be in service to Him, not guided by delusions from my lower self. The more I get out of my own way and serve His will, the more I will experience freedom, joy, and bliss. I must be willing to surrender myself completely as a channel of His love, without fearing that God will leave me stranded. 5/15/15 For most of my life I experienced the pain of ego. I know full well that all of the pain came from living attached to delusions that weren’t formed of His pure love but of my own human needs, attachments to outcomes, and expectations. That was my life until I found this path. Now I understand

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the joy that comes with freedom from delusion. In that place, I am more loving. 6/9/15 From Claremont This morning I enjoyed a deeply devotional three-and-a-halfhour period of meditation, prayer, and receptivity. Nayaswami Asha’s abundance of audio talks serve me as an excellent source of spiritual guidance and wisdom. She is a reliable channel for God’s word and the guidance of Swami Kriyananda and Paramhansa Yogananda. Through her counsel, combined with my meditation and prayer, I enjoyed a beautiful growth in understanding today. The subject of her talk was “How do we know we have been accepted as a disciple by our Guru?” I believe it’s a common question for many disciples. How can we be sure of a relationship that can’t be seen? I’ve never held my Guru’s hand or hugged him, laid eyes on him or felt his touch. Yet I’m more certain than ever of this divine presence in my life, and with that certainty, my amazement and gratitude grow. I’m also increasingly able to recognize the guidance that’s offered to me by trusted friends, thanks to my growing understanding of the role that we can all play as channels. I particularly respect disciples such as Jyotish, Devi, Dharmadevi, Narayan, Asha, Shanti, and others for their wisdom and the depth of their commitment. God uses them as reliable channels to express His will. As I work to let go of my ego attachments so that I might better

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serve as a pure channel of Light for others, I’m learning from those who are already able to serve beautifully. How could I have questioned the night Dharmadevi and Narayan first offered me discipleship. Even though it felt so right, I didn’t completely acknowledge its Divine source. I see now this was not about them personally. It was God who used them to convey His guidance. Similarly, when I took my second vows Dharmadevi and Narayan served as pure channels for Grace during the ceremony. I’ve received wise guidance from many sources whenever I’ve asked questions, and advice from spiritual friends when they’ve seen I needed direction. I’ve also received Truth delivered so purely by Asha and Shanti. And when God has chosen to express Himself through me to others, I’ve felt His beauty as it flowed through me to them. These experiences have all helped me understand how He works. I’m deeply aware of how much God has given me, precisely when and in the way I needed, using others as His channels – as well as through magnificent meditations, inward perceptions of His ever-new joy, interpersonal relationships, and through the many divine experiences I’ve had both large and small. I’ve been given so much. How could I ever have questioned whether I’m being received as a disciple? I’m receiving the greatest gift the universe has to offer. I’m grateful beyond words for the love I receive from my Guru, Paramhansa Yogananda.

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6/16/15 From Claremont I’m attending a three-week violin workshop, and it’s going great – I’m finding that I’m able to keep centered in my spirituality in the midst of my outward work. I’m aware of how quickly my spirituality has progressed, and I’m able to recognize spiritual growth even in periods of relative spiritual inactivity. At those times I’m aware of a growing inner joy, and of karma being resolved through Kriya or by God’s grace. I’m aware of a growing inner peace, and a deepening desire to serve and to make others happy, to accept all circumstances without resistance, and of an almost, complete non-attachment to the outcome. These are all signs of a deepening inner path. I am very happy. 6/19/15 From Claremont A fantastic lesson, divinely orchestrated. I snuck away from the workshop for a day to connect with Dharmadevi and Narayan. I spent the afternoon at the center, sharing lunch and conversation, and finding myself discussing an issue about which I’m usually very clear but that I struggled with today. The members of the workshop have scheduled tonight as a Bourbon and Poker night - an unusual first for our esoteric little group. I knew that I’d have to face this when I returned tonight. I’ve never felt the need to drink socially. I’ve only had a glass of wine a few times in my life, and found it fairly repulsive.

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I’m better able to understand myself now as a divine soul who’s on a spiritual journey. I better understand that my nature is that of a devotee – my natural tendency to want to be inward, observant, and not enjoy phoniness, not be the jokester and party-goer, or succumb to social pressures or enjoy outlandish behaviors. I can place these aspects of my nature comfortably within, as an understood consequence of my soul’s progression and my yearning to be one with God. I’ve never succumbed to peer pressures or to a need to “fit in.” My inner strength, I now better understand, is a byproduct of spiritual advancement and commitment. I’m sure that I’ve been deeply spiritual in many previous incarnations. My non-attachment to worldly behaviors I understand as a natural consequence of having resolved those karmas without suppression. I experienced those behaviors until I decided that I no longer needed or desired them. Yet somewhere deep within me there must have been a lingering tie that was tugging at me, urging me to fit in with my fellow luthiers at tonight’s Bourbon and Poker Night, because I brought it up when I saw Dharmadevi and Narayan this afternoon. I don’t think they realized what a powerful, palpable struggle it was, so strong that I brought it up with them. I could not let the conversation simply go – somewhere in my subconscious I was struggling with the decision whether to join my friends. I knew in my heart that drinking didn’t have any place in my spiritual life. Why was I struggling when I don’t even like drinking? I believe there was a small memory of a past attachment to those behaviors that needed final resolution. In retrospect, I can see that the evening was a powerful gift from God. A beautiful, massive lesson that ended several at-

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tachments forever. I needed the experience to resolve the last threads of attachment to social drinking and to peer pressures for all eternity. But I can only see this after the fact. Now it’s obvious how wonderfully God orchestrated the events of the evening. Driving back to the workshop after my visit with Dharmadevi and Narayan, I still felt the inner angst, even though I’d decided not to join the party because it didn’t mesh with my spiritual goals. But I could feel that there was still something that needed resolution. At around six in the evening, Will called and asked if he and a friend could visit me at the workshop tonight. Of all nights, this was the first time in ten years that he’d visited me there. Well, that made the issue crystal-clear. I would not drink with Will around. I had already made my decision, and this was God’s generous way of removing any lingering questions. I would never drink in front of my children – that was the model I had always wanted for them, and it came naturally and felt correct. Instead of drinking with the gang, I shared a wonderful visit with Will and his girlfriend. I knew in my heart that it was a divine demonstration that beautiful interactions require only a genuine love between people, not social drinking. But this was just the first installment of the night’s divinely delivered lessons - God really chose to drive the point home. The second lesson ended forever any lingering attachment I might have felt to yield to social pressures. As bourbon night was wrapping up, I sat talking with Michael and several others in the lobby. Michael was sloppy drunk. Someone I respected so highly, and whom I hold in

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such high esteem, was recklessly drunk, ugly drunk, scary drunk, potentially blood-alcohol-poisoning drunk. He tried to stand, but passed out cold and fell on the coffee table in front of me. Two others picked him up and placed him in his chair, where he sloppily tried but failed to communicate. He then projectile vomited in front of me, so close that I jumped out of my chair to avoid being covered by his vomit. My phone sat on the table and was not so lucky. How sad, ugly, and gross this man looked for whom I had so much respect. Drinking was obviously not bringing him happiness or joy. After my beautiful visit with Will earlier in the evening, I was feeling joyful – not with alcohol, but just resting in a peacefulness, knowing that I never again needed a drink in order to fit in. I was given a deeper understanding of where true joy comes from. Although I’ve probably had fewer drinks in my life than anyone I’ve met, there lingered deep within me a tiny thread that seemed to be binding me to the delusion that social drinking could bring happiness. This thread was now severed forever. God alone did this. It was by His Grace. I could feel His presence throughout the events. I’m always asking God to sever every cord that binds me to delusion. I’m always asking to know Him alone in all things. It was clear that God answered my struggle – that He had heard and felt my plea earlier in the day. He gave me a perfect evening, using Will and Michael as his channels. I am deeply grateful. What Michael gained from the evening, only he can know. I cannot say, but I’m sure that he, too, received lessons.

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7/3/15 I am going to India in February. 7/8 Change doesn’t always feel good, but I accept my life’s changes with gratitude and enormous excitement to learn what will be. I can experience new challenges without feeling frustration, negativity, or disappointment. My life feels so much better this way. 7/18/15 Dear Narayan and Dharmadevi, I’m struggling with a question and would like some help, please. I’m trying to understand the balance between accepting the circumstances I’m given, versus exercising the power of my own thoughts to manifest change. I’m talking primarily about physical pain. I understand God as the ultimate doer of all things. But if my energetic thoughts also play a part in manifesting my circumstances, does my growing concern about and acknowledgment of pain contribute to its existence? Can I actually change my circumstances through positive manifestation? Or should I simply accept it lovingly as my karma? I don’t know if I should be focusing on trying to energetically change or lovingly accept my physical circumstances. All my Love, J

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7/20/15 Dear Jennifer, Please excuse our delay in getting back to you. We are coming off a very joy-filled and busy weekend with Pranaba and Parvati. An important truth to keep in mind is Paramhansa Yogananda’s saying, “Circumstances are always neutral.” It’s our reaction to them that makes us think they’re good or bad. One of the important qualities for us to develop on the path is titiksha (endurance). It’s difficult to endure pain. God absolutely wants us to do whatever we can to mitigate our physical pain so we can achieve that perfect balance and rest in Him. As Swamiji says in one of his chants, “Rest in God, live in God, in his love, light and joy.” Of course it’s hard to do that when we’re caught in physical pain. Do your best and offer it all to God - the pain, the confusion, your feelings of failure or indifference. In short, everything. You might not be able to change your circumstances, but what’s important is to change your consciousness. Remember Sister Gyanamata’s prayer, “Lord change no circumstance of my life. Change me.” Swamiji made a video, “Does a Saint Suffer?” I think you’ll find it helpful. It always comes back to our attitude. Be grateful - yes, even for the pain and the challenges it presents. For “We, now, like that little bird, have come to realize that buffeting winds are life’s way of giving us strength and courage; that even fear, like shadows on a statue, gives light and substance to hope.” (From the Festival of Light)

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I hope this is helpful. Love, Narayan 7/20/15 For fifty years I refused to acknowledge God, and in particular Jesus. I’ve never seen Yogananda. I know him only through his love. I’ve wondered when I would actually meet him. When will he make himself visibly known? Positive identity - confirmation wanted. Am I speaking to Jesus or to Yogananda? How am I supposed to know which, if I’ve never seen either of them? I’m giving myself some latitude, having never received visual identification. Instead, it’s always been through deep feelings of love, attunement, and understanding - of guidance, and an inner knowing that I am receiving so much help. But I’ve been afraid to offend or to appear disloyal to Jesus or Yogananda. I don’t know who to pray to. And that’s hugely confusing. Does it matter? The event where Marianne “saw” Jesus standing next to me further confuses me. Was that meant for her or for me? Lots of energy is flowing around these thoughts lately - my desire for “positive ID verification.” I spoke with Dharmadevi. Relief – and gratitude for her being in my life. Although we’ve talked about this before, I must not have been ready to hear the answer. This time I got it. After talking with her, I’m clear.

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Dharmadevi told me that she went through very similar confusion. Like me, she was once concerned about offending one or the other of the masters. She grew up Catholic and felt guilty about calling Yogananda her guru when she also felt such a deep connection to Jesus. She shared how in a meditation she received clarity from the masters that they are all one in God Consciousness, and that they do not care what they are called. Which of the masters I think of while meditating isn’t terribly significant, since they are all equally manifestations of God. I may develop a sense of their individual characteristics over time, and a preference and appropriateness in calling on one of them more than another in certain situations. Yet they are all one. It is normal and understandable to be confused. I will go with whichever one I feel to in the moment. There is no “wrong” answer. 8/28/15 I’m struggling, confused, frustrated, and trying so hard to grow. Why am I not seeing growth? I know I must expand my inner knowing and my heart connection, and trust my ability to channel God’s will in every moment. That’s the ultimate challenge, and I want this so bad. I don’t know how to try harder, but I feel I’m missing something. 8/31/15 Dear Dharmadevi,

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After our last conversation at the center I returned home excited to test my new toy: relaxing and enjoying the energy during meditation. So, I’ve tried that. (This path is kinda like perpetual Christmas, always something new to play with and experiment with.) Although experiencing that portion of my meditation without all the internal dialogue was a nice relief, I’m struggling with the long-term prospect of dropping the intense devotional effort in that final phase of inner communion. I feel that making my own effort during those experiences is an important aspect of my devotion. It feels good. It feels right and important. Making the effort, even while experiencing bliss seemed the natural progression of my meditations. I feel such abundant love in my new devotional life compared to my long history. It seems natural and right to want to channel that energy to others, like there’s more of the divine energy than I need to keep for myself. And it’s when I’m feeling such a beautiful connection to God that I feel the greatest desire to talk with Him. If this is some polar form of ego, I want to be told that. I don’t want to make unneeded mistakes. But I don’t feel that this is a bad thing. Eliminating that heartfelt, deep inquiry when I’m feeling most connected feels like a cop-out to my commitment. It doesn’t feel like I’m making the same effort when I simply sit back and enjoy. So…I come to you confused. Because I’m laying the foundation for a lifetime of practice, I feel this is an important question. I’ll learn to eliminate the conversation from that portion of my practice if I should. But I love those deepest, heartfelt moments of inquiry when I’m filled with energy and feeling most connected to God. It seems in some ways the very best time to be most devotional. Is there a good reason to stop? Despite the confusion, everything is great. This is all more amazing

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than I can fathom. I am very happy. Love, J Dear Jennifer, Please don’t ever stop doing something that makes you feel more connected to God. No matter what anyone tells you.... including me! :) I’m glad you went with your gut and revisited the question. If this is how you commune with God, and if it’s what allows your devotion to flow, by all means it’s the very best thing you can do during that time. Hope we get to see you soon. We just set up the desert retreat house and will need to go back soon to finish up for a retreat at the end of September that we are so looking forward to sharing with you! Love, Dharmadevi 9/5/15 Today’s meditation seemed to mark a new phase in my spiritual life. I increased my Kriyas to 108 recently, and since that change the energy has been wonderful. I also wonder if the upper cervical chiropractic work is helping. I felt great energy after the first session and each time since. In this morning’s meditation I felt a deep connection and a

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clear conversation with God - a knowing. And yet what I “know” feels so self-inflated and preposterous that I feel I have to question the correctness of my understanding. Even writing about it is awkward because it rubs against my lifetime history of atheism. But I know the truth and can no longer act differently. What I experienced was so darn clear. I wanted to call Dharmadevi for clarification. I rarely run to anyone to discuss the specifics of my meditations. Our meditations are so deeply personal, and no one can know our path as we can. But the inner sense that I should call her was so strong that I immediately picked up the phone. She didn’t answer, but I know I’m meant to discuss this with her, as self-inflated as I feel it will sound. There is no ego surrounding the experience, just deep joy and mild confusion about whether I’m understanding the event correctly. I had just listened to Asha’s recording about prana, and I left it with a deeper understanding of the life-force energy. I now have a better understanding that all joy is a manifestation of the life-force energy rising, and that all of the negativity in our lives, our anger, disappointment, frustration, etc., is accompanied by a downward pull of that energy. Sometimes karma from the past can come forward, but all of the uplifted moments in our lives are accomplished by the energy rising in the spine. All of the energy I experience in my spine during my meditations is a rising energy - prana - accompanied by an expansion of consciousness, and an understanding of myself as one with God, as opposed to union with the material world. Kriya practice assists the smooth, slow development of that upward flow, magnetizing us at a higher level.

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Everything I’ve been dealing with was wrapped up in this morning’s experience. My concerns and fears about leading classes, my desires to “let go” completely, and to allow myself to serve and be guided by God. There were memories of my recent blissful meditation where I experienced utter and complete surrender to God as my provider and comforter. Everything was resolved in this morning’s meditation, and the resolution came through a clear guidance, and a knowing from God that I am to use myself as a channel of love for others. This morning’s meditation was not long. After my Kriyas I immediately experienced a deep energetic connection. I could feel the give-and-take between God and me. I could talk, and He was hearing and responding. It was so beautiful. I feel I am somehow to make everyone I come in contact with feel the joy emanating from me as His channel. I am not to concern myself with “knowledge.” I am to emanate love. Simple. And it felt so good and right. Am I capable of this? Doesn’t it seem self-inflated to believe that I have the ability to be God’s channel, not through words but with energy? Am I hearing this correctly? It is not a subtle love that I’m talking about sharing, it is intense divine love that I am being urged to spread with Joy, Peace, and Calmness. Can I do this? I would love to. I want to. But am I an appropriate channel? I know that I got it right. I clearly understood His message. As inflated as it sounds, I’m being asked simply to be centered in God and allow that to be my service. I believe I can do this. I want to do this. I must let go and hang onto the feeling of complete surrender to God and the love that accompanies that surrender.

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An interesting aside from Asha’s talk: Christian saints can reach the same expansion of understanding and oneness with God through their intense devotion, despite the doctrine of the churches that Catholics and Christians generally cannot achieve Self-realization. Through their practice of intense devotion, the saints can accomplish the same goal, but it may come by a painful rising of the kundalini energy, rather than the more balanced approach of Kriya. 9/7/15 Some of my fears are being alleviated. My job is to exude the feeling of God’s love unconditionally, and never to make it personal. 11/4/15 I haven’t written for months. Here are some recent developments: Every time someone I know makes a mistake and then returns, rather than scorn them I should welcome them back. This is real love, unconditional love, impersonal love, as God want us to love. I must take better care of my body, and respect that it allows me to serve God. Throughout our incarnations we have all made every mistake in the book – it’s the only way we can achieve non-attachment to our unhelpful actions. We can only learn non-attachment by experiencing something so deeply that we’re finally finished with it. This is the only way to find true inner

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“knowing” experientially. Regarding realizing God’s presence in any given moment: It’s not about God coming to me and making everything easy. It’s that I must raise my consciousness to a degree that I find myself in attunement with His omnipresence. The inspiration to try harder comes in those moments when I experience Him without interference from my own delusions; when I feel the energetic love pouring through my body. Those beautiful experiences create faith and devotion. Many times I’ve witnessed how I can deepen the inner connection and my inner knowing of the truth very reliably through meditation. That inner space is where I learn to attune to God - the quiet space after techniques are complete, when I sit and listen for His guidance - that’s when the most beautiful things happen. He is always there, waiting for me to attune to Him. It is only my own attachment to delusions that separates me from Him. Having experienced that perfect love, nothing less is now enough. Each experience of His pure grace changes me forever, and I feel driven to expand my attunement with Him. I’ve come to understand that my highest Self is an infinitesimal but pure part of Him. I strive for non-attachment to self-created limitations because I know the pain and suffering that those delusions bring. I choose freedom. 12/3/15 Dear Dharmadevi & Narayan,

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I have a question, please: I’m recognizing that some of my stress comes from not knowing how to narrow-in when I’m preparing to give classes. For example, tonight I’m reading and finding myself all over the place, unfocused and without direction. I’m hyper-aware of a huge disparity between what I feel and know in my heart, and what I can articulate. There are endless wonderful topics, all enjoyable to read about, but I know I shouldn’t attempt to memorize something unfamiliar a couple nights beforehand. I know I must stick with what’s already in my heart. It usually seems to work out, but it’s so stressful waiting for something to click, if it will. As Saturday morning draws closer and nothing resonates as an obvious topic, my stress rises. So I’m poring through stuff, stressing over words, memorizing what I know inwardly but can’t articulate, instead of feeling confident that I will be able to serve as a channel for “something!” How do you deal with this? Love, J (A poem about meditation just popped into my head. Didn’t think about it.) Joy Unmatched The exquisite Grace of soft breezes across my closed eyelids. The comfort of all Energy deeply drawn to my core. The Blissful reminder that I am not alone. 12/3/15

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Dear Jennifer, First (off topic) we have a quote we’d like you to paint on the wall at the desert retreat if you feel inspired to. Perhaps put it on the wall above Master. From the Bible: “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” Wouldn’t that be perfect for the desert retreat? Regarding your question, I’d suggest using a scientific healing affirmation to help you be a clear channel for inspiration. For example, “I relax and cast aside all mental burdens allowing God to express through me His perfect love, peace, and wisdom.” It’s good to prepare and read up on a topic and have a quote or a section of scripture to share. But remember, the most important preparation is your attunement to God and Guru. “To all those who received Him, to them gave He power to become the sons of God.” I had the same problem tonight while preparing for our Gita satsang. I was thinking “What are we going to share?” And then I remembered, “Hey, wait a minute, this is the Gita - the Song of God.” I need to get in tune with Babaji, Christ, and the Masters, and with whatever inspiration they have which is endless and will flow through me to the degree I cooperate with that grace. I had not prepared outwardly at all, yet there was a tremendous flow of inspiration because I was in that Song of Spirit. The preparation was inward. You don’t need a lot to share. One simple yoga sutra. One affirmation. One seminal thought of truth. Remember what Sri Yukteswar said, “Wisdom is not assimilated with the eyes but with the atoms.” I hope this helps. love in Him, n

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1/19/16 A letter to a fellow devotee in Ananda My dear friend, I’ve had you on my mind. I received your email a while back with pics of your home. I was struck with a feeling of peace and appropriateness for you in this journey. How wonderful that you took chances, made changes, and have created such a beautifully supportive situation for yourself. I admire the bravery it took to trust your intuition. Well done, I’m very happy for you. I imagine hours and hours of beautiful meditations taking place in your new space. You’ve alluded to self-discovery a few times - new discoveries about things you must work on in yourself. If you feel like sharing, I’d like to understand how you’re growing. I think you and I can learn a lot from each other. My growth recently has felt great, like I’m literally expanding, experiencing myself with fewer limitations. I remove those barriers by loving more completely. I’ve recently been learning a lot about love by experimenting with the “Peace and Harmony” prayer. What a simple little mantra but with incredible power to deliver lessons. I’ve learned to slow down, thinking each word of the mantra with deeper devotion than I previously understood. And that practice subsequently deepened my concentration. I know I can apply this improved focus to everything in my life. Even though I previously focused decently in my meditations, I initially couldn’t get through anything without constantly finding myself off on some wild tangent. It was really odd. But I’ve improved. Through practicing the mantra I’m also learning the importance of allowing myself to receive love - something I was previously not as comfortable with as I thought.

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Using the prayer to channel love to others helped me discover for myself what works and what doesn’t. Dharmadevi helped me understand, when I so naively mentioned how good it felt, that this is the feeling of serving as a channel. Obvious, maybe, but I didn’t put it together on my own. I always thought of the energy flowing through me as Grace guiding me toward what is right. Similar, but not exactly the same. Because the prayer must be repeated devotionally so many times per day, the opportunities to experiment are endless, and I’ve learned that its power can be applied in many circumstances. More difficult to articulate: through this practice I’m learning to remove my body, remove physical barriers, and experience my Soul without attachment to form. That one is gonna take more work, but I’ve had exciting glimpses! It’s difficult to capture in words my excitement about what I’ve learned through the use of this simple prayer. It has been a growth opportunity. I feel more expansive, less limited. That’s all I can say. I’m happy. I leave for India on the 2nd of February. I have no idea what I’m heading toward, or any particular expectations. I only hope to do my best, to be receptive to whatever does or doesn’t happen. I’m trying to prepare myself, and I am asking God to help me prepare physically, mentally and spiritually. I know that whatever’s meant to be will be. And so, my friend, I send you love. May your beautiful cabin be filled with God’s Love, Peace, Harmony and Joy. Jennifer

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Eleven: India There were similarities between my trip to India and my earlier trip to Peru. At a certain point in each pilgrimage I wanted to leave. I spoke to someone about leaving India early, just as I spoke to Fran in Peru. Both trips pushed me far out of my comfort zone. But I guess that’s the point. God didn’t drop the experiences into my life to make me comfortable but to take me toward Him. If the road is too easy, we’re probably not applying enough energy toward expansion. To this day I am uncertain what to say about India. It was mysterious, chaotic, crowded, and beautiful. I’ve traveled a lot but have never felt so like a foreigner. I experienced all modes of Indian transportation: planes, trains, automobiles, and rickshaws amidst India’s chaotic streets. Those experiences alone are unforgettable. I observed bodies in the funeral ghats of Varanasi, as well as India’s noteworthy air pollution, poverty, sacred stray cows in marketplaces and streets, magnificent ancient temples, and multiple personal roadside temples on every block. I visited a hospital only hours before leaving because I was throwing up so much I wouldn’t have been able to board the flight home. I was in a car accident (not serious) and acquired an illness that lasted over a year. Like my trip to Peru, most of the time I was unable to “feel” India’s energy intuitively. I knew intellectually of India’s deep, ancient spirituality, but I very frustratingly could not often experience it. My heart wasn’t open enough to receive all that India offered. Maybe I was just overwhelmed by the vastness of what was before my eyes. Despite those circumstances, for all the time I was in India I felt a constant inner confirmation of my long association, for

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eons of incarnations, with this path. I felt an inner verification of the rightness of my spiritual journey. I know this sounds inconsistent with the descriptions of my discomfort, but just being in India gave me a sense of my true spiritual self. I have no other way to explain it. I was awed by the visceral outward experience, while simultaneously feeling quite un-rattled by what I was witnessing. Maybe the letters below will help, maybe not! Dear Devi, I’m writing from India, unsure what I’m asking for but knowing it’s to you that I must write for help. I’m seventeen days into a wonderful pilgrimage led by Jayadev and Sahaja. Today I’ve chosen to stay at the hotel, trying to renew my inner peace. My non-attachment to India’s chaos feels oddly complete. Neither burning bodies or hungry beggars draw emotions from me. I look on, surprised by my casual awareness. Though surprised by that casual comfort, I am grateful for it, assuming it’s a sign of spiritual progress. But I am otherwise stressed. I continually think of Christ when he asked Peter if he would also leave. I can imagine how Peter felt. I no longer have alternatives because my heart knows the truth that no other path will suffice. There exist no other options. So I need guidance. I followed God and my heart to India. Here I sit with only an open heart as my expectation. Neither my agnostic family or friends on other paths can guide my devoted soul. I put one foot in front of the other, trusting that God brought me here for a reason. I stayed back today for a day of rest and medita-

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tion, but I feel alone, confused, and unaware of the reason I’m here. And for the first time I’m mildly uncomfortable in this path, yet knowing I can take no other. The depths to which I see myself becoming something new and my accompanying devotion turn me into something unfamiliar and overwhelming. I feel isolated, confused, and in need of guidance, but somehow I’m blocking my own receptivity. My yearning for Guru and guidance feels so completely unanswered. I’m sure this is my own doing, but I know not how to change this. Though my meditation practice isn’t perfect, it is fairly strong, or at least I am doing my best; almost always twice a day and with complete devotion. While in India my practice has suffered when I assumed it would be enhanced by the spirituality of this land. My discomforts come from yearning for guidance that I must be blocking, from not understanding why I am in this country, from knowing there is no going back to my previous delusions, from yearning to know my Guru but being thoroughly confused about that, and from feeling like my heart has exploded with love, overriding all other productive brain functions - which oddly seem to have been destroyed along the way, leaving me somewhat dysfunctional. Seriously. I guess I’m saying I’m feeling very lost, across the world, yearning for guidance in the midst of dramatic change, feeling alone and not knowing how to improve my receptivity. Devi, as so many must, I have always felt familiar with you. I can imagine how overwhelmed you must be by requests like mine. Please know it is with tremendous love, respect, and gratitude that I reach out to you for guidance. And with understanding that your time may not be your own to reply right now.

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With love and gratitude, Jennifer Duke 2/19/16 Dear Jennifer, I’m so glad that you felt to write. We, too, are in India now, but in Chennai in the south, so we are both strangers in a strange land. There are several points that may be helpful for you to work your way out of the distress you’re now experiencing. First, there comes a point in everyone’s spiritual journey where we realize there’s no turning back, and yet we’re not sure of where we’re going. We realize that all our past self-definitions don’t fit anymore, yet it’s hard to truly identify with who we are becoming. The best cure for this is to try to forget about yourself and focus on the beauty of seeing the world with an expanded awareness. Think about what your consciousness is like when you are making a violin. All that is important is the beauty of the wood, its shape and resonance. If you stop to think about yourself, you can’t create at a high level. So, try to feel that you and God are creating a beautiful new state of consciousness for Jennifer, and allow the new depth of your soul awareness to emerge. God and Guru are really in charge of our evolution and have it all planned out. Please don’t succumb to feeling alone and isolated. You are being guided every step of the way, though you’re not aware of it at this point. Next, India, the home of our soul. One’s first trip here is always overwhelming on so many levels. The sights, sounds, smells, beauty, and degradation all leave one stunned and disoriented. Underlying all of the outward intensity, there is also a spiritual reality that

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is unlike anything available to us in the West. It’s good that you’ve taken a day alone in the hotel to rest and get centered. Try to see through the eyes of the soul, not through your physical eyes. Feel the inner sweetness, devotion, softness, and simple deep spirituality that permeates the culture. I’ve been here many times, and each time I see it increasingly as a whole, not the sum of a million confusing parts. I suggest that when you get home, you take some time off to be quiet, meditate, and try to feel what you have gained from this experience. It will reveal itself to you over time. I hope that these thoughts help. Consider also that all our spiritual suffering is caused by the ego refusing to surrender to our higher Self. By the way, I don’t remember if I thanked you for the wonderful Christmas gift. The violin shavings took us into a new world of experience. We’ll pray for you tonight that you can get over this hurdle and enjoy the rest of your pilgrimage. Your friend in God and Guru, devi 2/19/16 Dear Devi, Thank you for your wonderful (and very speedy) response. I’ve read it a few times and will continue to process all you’ve provided me. What stood out most was your suggestion to try experiencing through the eyes of my soul rather than through my limiting physical form. I’ve historically been so literal, your comment tapped immediately into my need to let go, to experience being free. Challenging!

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Additionally, your comments offer such understanding of the confusion in which I stand, that I take comfort in your guidance as a way out. Thank you. Thank you. I will follow your advice. I wish you a wonderful journey in India. With gratitude and love, Jennifer From Devi: You are in our prayers for the rest of your journey. Love, India 3/1/16 Good morning Purusha, I hope your world is filled with peace, harmony and love. I’ve just returned from India a few days ago and am trying to process all I experienced. Simply put…I’m so confused. I’ve since learned that ours was a challenging pilgrimage. (For whatever that’s worth.) Returning home felt beyond great. India challenged me... India kicked my butt. I know you spent time there and I wonder if you might be able to help me process the confusion. I’ll focus on my primary question for the moment. I know so many on this path love visiting India and feel at home there. I believe I remember your being among this group. I assumed that my deeply felt devotion to this path meant that I would experience a similar sense of “returning” to a Motherland, a comfort. But

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I did not. I’m very confused about that, but assume it will all sort out in time, and through meditation. I know this experience was a larger gift in my life than I’m presently able to process, and I look forward to the unfolding understanding. For now, I’m trusting my heart which knows it was important that I be there. But I don’t understand why. I experienced extreme non-attachment to sights that I think would normally challenge people. Varanasi and its burning bodies, beggars, poverty…I was fine. I assume my non-attachment is a good thing, attained through my soul’s long journey. So I’m uncertain where the extreme discomfort comes from. Why didn’t I love India as I thought everyone deeply connected to this path does? Why do I so strongly wish never to return? Why didn’t I feel any connection to what I thought would feel like my “mother ship?” I can say that the chaos was certainly an extreme contrast to the usual peace and solitude of my life. And the extreme pollution which made it hard to breathe was physically very uncomfortable. But I went with only an open heart, wanting to experience whatever God intended me to see. I still find my visceral negative response out of step with the connection I “thought” I would feel as a devotee in this path. I assume that clarity will come through meditations. Unfortunately, I returned sick, and for the first time ever I’m missing a string of meditations which isn’t helping me process the experience. I know the sickness isn’t helping my feelings about India, but the disconnect was there long before I became ill. For the moment, I’m trusting my heart’s knowledge that I was meant to go. I’m hoping you can help me understand the disconnect. I’ve felt drawn toward asking you. I hope you don’t mind. Fondest regards my friend. Aum, peace and love,

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Jennifer Dear Jennifer, May peace be with you. Your experience and reaction is not uncommon. People are rarely lukewarm about India. They tend to love it, OR hate it! And NO ONE loves getting sick! :) India is not for everyone, and it’s okay. YOUR CONNECTION IS WITH GOD. And, as you know, GOD IS OMNIPRESENT! For some people, the physical land helps them to feel their spiritual connection with the divine. And for some people it doesn’t. No big deal either way. Different strokes for different folks. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If nothing else, you’ve burned up some negative karma! :) Sending you lots of love and light, Your spiritual brother on the path, purusha

h Vanamali Mataji is a contemporary Hindu contemplative, a great devotee of Lord Krishna, and a teacher and author. She lives in a small ashram in Rishikesh, an ancient place of pilgrimage in the foothills of India’s holy Himalayas. I had the great honor of meeting Mataji during my pilgrimage to India and sitting next to her during a group dinner in Rishikesh. The following letter expresses my overwhelming joy at being near her and the prospect of learning from her, and my anguishing desire for spiritual expansion. 207

4/2/16 Dear Mataji, Thank you for your generosity and willingness to take time for me. I am grateful. I seek help surrendering all delusions. I want God alone. Nothing else truly matters to me. Words cannot express the speed and intensity of my change from atheist to servant. I’m stunned by how deeply and quickly my faith and devotion exploded, feeling so familiar. I must have been incredibly devotional in recent incarnations. I know no other explanation for the depth of my instant understanding. Why I would have become an atheist, turning my back on God, I don’t understand. I only hope it does not happen again. Now, I feel stripped of all intellect. Memory literally, oddly, feels inaccessible. My current incarnation is focused on trusting my heart versus the intellect. What remains is Love and devotion. I see glimpses of my future, of myself becoming something different, something pure of heart but not entirely fitting into society. I understand it is only through the heart that we fully unite with God. However, being so one-dimensional feels somewhat dysfunctional and odd. I feel severely limited. I can hardly communicate. I experience the world through the heart alone. This, you experienced at the dinner table in Rishikesh. My heart was joyfully exploding with potential to learn from you. Yet I was rendered entirely incommunicado - paralyzed with eagerness. Mute. All while feeling deep Love and desire to learn. Painfully awkward for both of us. Where I believe this limitation matters most is its effect upon my ability to serve as a pure channel. I want to serve and am being

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asked to serve by Ananda, by God. I wish to share all I have received. I feel I have a lot to share, but am tortured to place my deep inner knowing into an external context for others. I serve to the best of my ability, but my abilities feel strangled, with one exception. Once in a while during the night I’ll silently, internally, speak beautiful, long presentations about Self-realization. In the morning that ability is frustratingly absent. I have but one constant request of God. I rarely ask for anything else. I ask to know only Him, for the attunement and strength to serve His will in all things, for purification of all delusions. To deepen my relationship with Him I meditate twice daily with heartfelt devotion. I perform my Kriyas with deep devotion. To the best of my ability, I think of God all day, offering everything to Him. I trust that all things are delivered in their perfect time, and to the best of my ability I accept every circumstance with love and gratitude. I read a lot and I listen to those in this path whom I respect. I wish to rid myself of every delusion, and I seek your help. I hope Saptaham was wonderful. With an eager heart, gratitude, and devotion to God. Jennifer Blessed Self, I did glance at the previous letter but due to so many people coming all the time even after the Saptaham I was unable to do fair justice to your letter. Even now I feel that you don’t need advice but approbation for the path which seems to have been chosen for you, or should I say thrust upon you. It is indeed a beautiful path and I feel

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that you are being guided and will continue to be guided. Trust I’m that Force which is guiding you and allow yourself to be guided. Show no resistance. Float along in that river of compassion and allow it to take you to your destination. Love and blessings Mataji

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Twelve: Calmness h Calmness is a Soul quality, an aspect of our Divine origin. It empowers us to remain centered in our Highest Self under all circumstances, accepting that everything is provided for our spiritual benefit, even when circumstances are uncomfortable. Its opposite, ego delusion, happens when we are overcome with emotion, excitement, nervousness, or when our reactions separate us from our true, higher soul nature. Despite some bumps on the road which you will read about, a new kind of calmness was entering my life. I felt less reactive, and I was becoming centered in myself as an eternal soul rather than reacting from human ego, my old habit. Challenges felt less uncomfortable, the discomfort replaced by a sense of empowerment and an ability to remain calm and balanced no matter what was happening around me. I had a growing ability to be joyful no matter the circumstances, instead of reacting from emotion. I was remaining centered in Love, acting from my calm, highest potential. Living in this inner peace, I experienced more intuitive clarity. It just felt so much better. 5/25/16 A letter to a fellow devotee in Ananda Good morning my friend - it’s always great connecting with you. Thanks for your message. I send you love and hope you are joyfilled. Yes, all is well here. Two things I’m working on:

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I recently read a wonderful article by Jayadev about the energization exercises. (I’ll attach it for you in case you haven’t seen it.) I knew while reading it that its non-random placement in my life on that day tied into a need to renew/deepen my commitment to their place in my practice. The EEs have played a complex role in my journey, adding physical challenges and confusion. I’m feeling ready to gain all I can from them now. It may seem simple and obvious, however, everything resonates differently and at different times for each of us. I am finally determined to accept them, and to work through them and partake of all they offer. I hope never to diminish their use again. With determined effort, I also want to improve my Kriya practice. I have a copy of Jayadev’s new book, Kriya Yoga. A Manual to Inner Freedom. I’m trying to better understand the intricacies of Kriya’s gifts in my life, to deepen my practice of the exercises. After years I still can’t say I’m any good at them, but I definitely practice them with devotion. These two things are my focus right now. Between these and my life’s mundane requirements, I am busy. My son just graduated from college and is here with his girlfriend for a couple of weeks before his move to Seattle. He’s such an amazing old soul. I believe he sometimes receives glimpses of his closeness to something bigger and feels yearnings for something deeper. But he’s thus far unprepared to grab for it. When he does, I believe he’ll find a deep, intense familiarity and connection to this path. I only bring this up because he’s living here for a short period and I enjoy observing it. Where is your path taking you right now, my friend? How is your life evolving? I wish you bliss. Jennifer

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7/13/16 The Saturday meditation group discussion yesterday focused on Calmness, one of the eight aspects of God. We discussed it as a dynamic action rather than a passive state. Calmness allows us to see the purposefulness of everything in our lives and to remain centered in Higher Consciousness through our challenges. We discussed that nothing is random, that we attract to ourselves exactly what will help us progress in this path. Recognizing everything as a divinely orchestrated gift to help us change patterns of behavior removes the “woe-isme” victim card so we can respond to our challenges with calm clarity. My meditation this morning deepened that inner knowing. It was my first meditation after completing Yogananda’s nine-day cleanse. I feel healthy and know it also helped a little with my attachment to food. We have guests in the house. I entered my violin shop, pasted a “Meditating” sign on my door, making sure I carved out space for my spiritual needs. It wasn’t the longest meditation, but it was wonderful, with a “knowing” of God’s presence, and an awareness that my thoughts were coming from His guidance. There was a beautiful experience of the Spiritual Eye: golden light with a darker center, radiating love at my spiritual eye. It didn’t last long but was very clear, loving, and beautiful. With this meditation there also came a deeper understanding of “Calmness,” and that it is closely connected with single-pointed focus. Whenever I found my mind caught up in inner dialogue, I

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was aware that the mental chaos was diluting the calmness and taking me away from my center. How beautiful and simple! Centering my thoughts on feelings of pure love brings calmness. This new understanding immediately helped me return to a dynamic state of resting in the present moment. I “experienced” calmness, not by being passive or removed, but by dynamic, willful, focused intention on a single task. Remembering this will help me in the future. I will remember that anxiety, fear, and other distractions are caused when the mind drifts to past and future concerns. I can achieve calmness by applying all of my energy in the present moment and giving one-hundred-percent effort to each task. The result; zero anxieties, fears, concerns, or distractions. Instead, I feel a deepening joy and an ability to remain centered in remembering my purpose and the Soul-self that truly defines me. The new and deeper understanding resonated in today’s meditation. I received a divinely given fuller intuitive understanding of how I can utilize this awareness of the power of deep focus to achieve a willful, singular attention in everything I do. 07/14/16 Will is moving to Seattle tomorrow for his first post-college-graduation job. I’m grateful for the depth of spiritual non-attachment that God has given me, which has made the change easier than when Emily left. But I’ll still miss his grace, depth, kindness, music, friendship, and youth. It’s the

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end of an era - both kids are now independent, capable - and far away. I don’t imagine that either of them will ever live in our home again. What comes next? 8/1/16 Email to Will I thought of a way to answer your question about free will. Maybe it will help, maybe not. We always have the free will to respond in a given situation by following our intuition, our heart, and our higher guidance – or not. Decisions that are based in true higher guidance feel intuitively right, as if we were able to know, calmly and with absolute clarity, what to do, without doubts or emotional attachments. Decisions made in that state of clarity lead us toward personal growth, love, and ultimately to an expanded understanding of ourselves as spiritual beings. Of course, we also have been given the free will to respond based on our limited human ego attachments to power, greed, money, judgment, a need for recognition, insecurities, etc. Decisions based on the ego’s priorities will require that we face similar opportunities again. That’s karma. Every experience that you’re given has a purpose in your life, and will demand decisions about the direction you want to go – toward unconditional love or toward external ego gratification. These decisions form the karmic patterns that determine your future. Every experience is a test, an opportunity to get it right. Or as some would say, it’s a gift, because it’s an opportunity to change ourselves. Nothing is random in our lives. I think you’re doing a fantastic job of following true higher

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guidance, and trusting yourself. It may not be the end of the line on this particular journey, or it may well be. It doesn’t matter, because you’re responding calmly and with clarity from your heart. Having the sensitivity to trust yourself and the strength to do your best, no matter how challenging, is a perfect response. It’s all we’re ever asked to do. Trying your best is the perfect answer. Even our mistakes are perfect, so long as we’re trying our best. Of course we’ll sometimes face very challenging circumstances that will test our inner strength and free will to the limit. In difficult times, will we do that which we know we should do, or what’s easy? That’s as much free will as we have. Okay. I love you and think you are doing a fantastic job. Mom 9/2/16 About three weeks ago Dharmadevi asked if I would be interested in opening an Ananda Center in Thousand Oaks. This time I responded unhesitatingly, “YES!” Despite my fears, I’m grateful to be given the opportunity to serve and resolve my karma. All I ask and pray for is that God grace me with inner attunement to Him so that I may serve His will perfectly, without interference from my own self-doubts. I’m aware of how much I’ve changed, and how I’m continuing to change. God, help me to let go of all self-limiting definitions, and to know You alone in everything. And so… I’ve poured my heart and soul into the new center, which is now almost ready to open. Dharmadevi asked me to write about the process, so here’s an excerpt:

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Just Say “YES!” What I learned while working on the new Ananda Thousand Oaks Center I’ve been thinking a lot during this process about the many ways people measure success, because I have a fear of failing in this project. “Will I be able to serve purely?” “Am I inappropriate for the task?” “What if I fail?” I’ve faced more fears than I care to admit. But through the process of preparing the center for its opening, I began to experience a shift from fear to joy. What allowed me to change was watching God as the Doer, and how He removed every obstacle in our path. I simply watched and smiled as each potential problem disappeared and our path was divinely cleared. This tangible experience of God changed me by reminding me that I am merely a channel for His work. “I” wasn’t clearing the path of obstacles. I simply said “Yes, I will serve” and God took me up on my willingness. It’s exciting to see how this service is changing me. The fears and limitations that my ego worked so long and hard to muster have literally begun to shift toward calmness and joy. My deeply engrained, well-earned attachment to self-doubt has begun to diminish. The pressure to be “good enough” and to “succeed” began to shift toward knowing that I only need to try my best. I’m really owning that God is with me every step of the way. I cannot fail so long as I do my best. With the newly deepening comfort, even the challenging workload felt joyful. For example, the day the keys become ours and a ton of work was just beginning, I was joyful, not overwhelmed. I wasn’t bound in knots by my former delusions of self-doubt. I realized that success wasn’t in my control. I just had to give a hundred-percent effort toward what I was being asked to do, and leave the outcome to Him. A huge relief. Calmness was actually replacing deep grooves

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of fear. This led to a sense of gratitude for the relief, which snowballed into expanded feelings of devotion and love for God. I was an atheist for the majority of my life, convinced that a “leave it in God’s hands” attitude was just passing the buck, taking the easy way out, a convenient excuse if things didn’t turn out well. Knowing that God is always with me has certainly not made my life easy. I realize that every time I’m asked to do something that’s outside my comfort zone, I’m being offered a divine gift. By saying “Yes” and trying my best despite the discomfort, I’m expanding my understanding of myself as a loving soul. This, I know now, is the much harder but exponentially more rewarding path. Along the way, I’ve discovered my own personal definition of success: it’s not about being perfect, or about how others judge me, or even and most important, it’s not about how I judge myself. I’ve discovered that success has everything to do with the amount of Joy and Love I feel. It’s a question of letting go and trusting that God will provide His guidance. It’s saying “Yes” even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s releasing self-doubt and fear and allowing my heart to experience God’s presence. It’s experiencing His loving support through the challenges, knowing that He simply wants to help me expand and share His Love with others. When I let go and simply serve to the best of my ability, my devotion deepens through the joy that I’m experiencing, and my soul sings out in love and gratitude. When you enter the new Thousand Oaks Center you see these words painted on the wall – they are from Paramhansa Yogananda’s poem, “What Is Love?” “Love is the song of the Soul, singing to God.”

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h I was also discovering that pain resulted when I did not calmly center myself in soul consciousness. When I operated from the ego, I felt like a victim, miserable and emotional. But these, too, were beautiful lessons through which I eventually came to a more detached state. And in the process, I found deeper compassion for others. But first I had to learn to re-center myself in Love even when I thought I was being wronged. These difficult tests were simply opportunities to change myself. Eventually I got it, and calmness returned. Following is one example. 9/3/16 Dear Narayan & Dharmadevi, Today was terrible! I would never think of the Thousand Oaks center as “my” center, and I was honestly surprised by your comment. I’ve tried to do what I thought was being asked of me. I thought I was being asked to create a center, to take responsibility and get it done. Did I misunderstand that? I work very deliberately and with focus. I get things done. Maybe I need to slow down, allowing others time to process. After your comment, though, I need to express that the person complaining almost always chose not to show up and did not take opportunities to help make decisions, or to work together. Plain and simple. I’m tired of dancing around that fact. I’ve been way too polite to say anything, but I’m now so incredibly annoyed. I feel stranded in the negative wake of Tom’s* complaint and I’m frustrated that it leaves me appearing like I wasn’t trying to be inclusive.

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Planning days were made available - I kept progressing even without help. If I try to discuss it with him, he shuts down completely. I’m confused and hesitant to move forward for fear of upsetting him. I need clear direction about what you want so that I can serve those needs precisely. I’m happy to follow whatever does or does not need doing. I don’t, though, want to feel hesitant with every step I take, unsure if it’s what you want. I need to get this back on track quickly. The massive amount of negativity is terrible. The energy has dropped like a rock. Love J * name changed Dear Jennifer, We want you to continue to take initiative and use your creativity, will power, and devotion to create a beautiful community temple in Thousand Oaks. Yes! Keep going!!! Don’t let fear stop your momentum! Overcome fear with courage and love, and process through service. Yes, take charge of yourself! Choose to be happy and loving. Don’t succumb to others’ negativity by playing into it. Everyone must deal with their own oversensitivity. You don’t need to dance around anything, or slow down, or have a meeting about every decision. Do your best to include everyone like you have been. If someone chooses not to be involved, that’s their decision. Don’t worry. Overcome your fear with love. What is your lesson in all this? I suspect it’s similar to Master’s words from “Divine Love Sor-

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rows,“...ever more moving toward Thee, to Thy vast un-throbbing heart.” In other words, keep moving forward. Follow your joy, follow your service. Love, Narayan 9/4/16 Thank you for your support. I’m trying my best to get through this. My entire life - violins, home, lifestyle - have all been created around my preference to be alone. Quiet, peaceful serenity is my comfort zone. I want my space, and most of all to have freedom from interpersonal stress. The sudden removal of these quiet spaces, plus the added requirement to fit in and even to create community, feels almost sickening. Obviously, the depth of my discomfort illustrates my deep attachments. The new challenge is making me more uncomfortable than I’ve been in years, and surprised by the depth of what feels like sadness. I’m coming to you seeking guidance. I will not give up. I so want to expand through this painful opportunity. I just need to survive the discomfort, and I’m struggling through that. I’m asking you as friends for help, for guidance, for something to relieve the discomfort. Love J Dear Jennifer, Remember Sister Gyanamata’s prayer, “Lord, this is how I am un-

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less you come in and change me.” All of our transformation comes through the grace of God. Be grateful and pray for God and Guru’s grace to help you. You are doing your best. They will not let you down. Love, Narayan & Dharmadevi P.S. Think of every person you meet as one of your violins that you are caring for with such sensitivity and love. You can bring your quietude to their center and to the physical center. Another key is to relax and rest in God. Bring that sense of peace and tranquility into your service with other people at the center. Dear Narayan, Thank you for your replies and suggestions. I will follow them all and I will prevail. I just get caught in periods of such discomfort and isolation that I feel desperate for support. In that loneliness I realize it’s God alone that matters, that that inner relationship is all I need. But I’m obviously unable to stay in that pure place. Remembering that discomfort comes with the opportunity to expand is helpful. Without that, why would we go through the pain? Wishing you a wonderful day and a beautiful Sunday service. Love J 10/7/2016 The new Ananda Thousand Oaks Center opens tonight. I’ve

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learned an incredible lesson, though the way was paved with pain. For the past eight weeks I’ve been graced with deeply uncomfortable tests and opportunities to notice and change my attachment to “expectations.” My ego screamed at me that I was being “wronged,” that my needs weren’t being met, that someone else wasn’t behaving “appropriately.” My ego yelled, “Get angry with them.” “They are wrong, you are right.” All joy was gone, and I was wallowing in frustration. I slunk into the “suffering victim” role. It’s hard to express how lost and unhappy I felt, allowing my ego to govern my thoughts. And then the experiences began arriving closer together and more intensely. I believe people did not step up to their responsibilities or behave kindly. But my expectations and attachments about what I thought others should do separated me from my higher Self. My emotions interfered with my ability to remain calm, to channel truth and Love. I was being judgmental. Being away from my own center in the Highest Self meant that I suffered until I finally was able to connect with the lesson. These uncomfortable experiences were actually gifts: opportunities to change myself. The experiences only remained painful until I “got” the point. Had I been able to respond from a loving, compassionate heart rather than with frustration and judgment, the other person would have felt better about me, too. My job is to change myself, not others. What should I have done differently? I must always find a way to remain cen-

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tered in love without judgment. There is always something good to be found in everyone. I can absolutely be aware of their negative behavior, but judgment is very different from simply observing. Judgment brought in a lot of emotion when I should have remembered in my heart that the person was doing their best. My own emotions made it very personal and separated me from the pure lesson that God was providing. And my emotions separated me from the other person, which I’m sure they experienced negatively. I will have to endure more opportunities to learn the same lesson. My ego was screaming at me that I was being wronged the entire time, until I understood the lesson: “Change no circumstances of my life, change me.” - Sister Gyanamata

Next day All of life is a divine cycle playing itself out. Remembering this reminds me to accept any given circumstance with grace and appreciation. I must respond in calm Love. If I can keep my heart calm, my mind will follow. I better understand this now - and the oft repeated statement, “Reasoning follows the feelings of the heart.” I clearly see myself becoming much less reactive. When I’m facing interpersonal challenges, I sometimes feel that others might even be seeing me as detached. But I’m just evolving toward calm centeredness, and an understanding that all is perfect no matter the circumstances. This way of living feels so much happier.

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Clinging to past experiences isn’t “me.” Releasing attachments is positive - it doesn’t signal a lack of caring. My love is deeper and more pure. It is not based on need but on service to others. It is an expression of divine inner truth. It is unconditional, to the best of my ability. Our reactions to events tell us where we really are on the spectrum of spiritual evolution. 1/27/17 Dear Dharmadevi, I have a question about teaching Hong Sau. I’m slightly unclear about Yogananda’s remark that he would practice Hong-Sau for long hours. I think of Hong-Sau as a technique or tool to help us internalize our awareness and reach a state of inner expansion whereupon we drop all techniques. Once in that expanded place, I feel more than I think. I’ve taught Hong-Sau more as something we initially use and can return to, to re-center ourselves in our breathing when our concentration becomes distracted. And then, when we’re refocused, we can again drop techniques and just feel. But then I remember Yogananda’s remark that as a boy he practiced Hong-Sau for up to seven hours at a time. As a master, why would he need to practice Hong-Sau for hours? He could drop into an expanded state at will. So, am I misguided on my use of Hong-Sau? I thought that we should drop all techniques once we become internalized, focused, and ready to expand. Love J

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You’re right, Jennifer, and it is both. Hong-Sau takes us into breathlessness. Yogananda didn’t say how long he had to practice the mantra before he went into a state of breathless ecstasy! :) But, yes, when teaching beginners, it’s best to share it as you have said in your email, as a tool to get us into an expanded state. Another point is that we can practice Hong-Sau at any time - when driving, standing in line, going to sleep, etc., as it will always help calm our minds, and focus our attention. Love, Dharmadevi 5/12/17 Dear Dharmadevi, I’m struggling and I’m at a loss about how to help myself. Particularly after my last reading with Drupada, I realize that I am now being challenged to grow through service. Call it a challenge, call it a divine gift, I must do more outward service, and not remain in my happy little personal cave. How uncomfortable. In large ways and small, it’s coming in wave after wave. My entire life has become something entirely different. The pressure to be more public is stressful and the “public” doesn’t appear to be going away any time soon. So the constant discomfort seems endless. I realize that all things are divine gifts, opportunities to grow toward God. I’m just not understanding how to cope with the discomfort of such outward service. I will never choose to back away from these “gifts” because I want out of this delusional world so much, and backing away will only extend the pain. But I’m really struggling. I realize the struggle is all ego. I know the answer lies in letting go and having faith. And yet the discomfort continues and

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feels so appropriate. I want to be rid of every bit of it. But it seems to have so much momentum. I try my best to flip a different switch whenever I’m wallowing in it. But it has an amazing pull on me. I offer it up, pray for help, for purification, for divine intervention. I try to remain centered in my heart, to meditate, keeping God foremost in every moment. But getting through this is, well, a huge battle. I know you understand, Dharmadevi. How do you get through it? With gratitude and love, J 5/12/17 Dear Jennifer, Thank you so much for sharing with me. I do understand (at least in my own way) what you’re going through, and I know how much it sucks. It feels completely out of our control, and in some ways it is. The one thing that IS in our control is that we continue to show up and battle the enemy of fear and anxiety. I am a little further along in the battle in terms of having to get my butt up there and share about things that are totally uncomfortable. I CAN say that it has gotten progressively easier. It isn’t that I love doing it, but I can start more and more to feel that my ego is relaxing and knowing that it won’t die (!) and Master can flow more easily through me each and every time. At the beginning my hands would shake involuntarily when anyone was with me while I was playing the harmonium - that doesn’t happen at all anymore. I used to get so sick to my stomach I could

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barely drag myself out of bed to give a class... Again, that is gone now. I used to go into panic mode and have a terrible week when I knew I was giving Sunday Service... That only partially happens now. :) So I can see the improvement, and as you said, the time I feel horrible is when I let my ego win and say “I just can’t do it.” Those times I take a little step backward, but the opportunities or “gifts” haven’t gone away... I just had to regroup and head back into battle. I would say, really the only way it goes away is to NEVER GIVE UP, which I know you won’t. There isn’t a quick fix or an easy way out, but there are tools that I’ve used that have helped at least somewhat. We may have already talked about them, but here ya go: 1. When you feel anxiety or fear, consciously draw the energy up from the disturbed feelings in the heart, to the point between the eyebrows. Direct that energy then to the Divine. 2. Forcefully expel the negative energy that’s trying to pull you down into fear by saying “Get Out!” with all your will power. Ask Master to help you. 3. Take deep calming breaths. 4. Before you start talking, smile! 5. While talking, try to feel only the flow of energy from you to the people you’re speaking to, rather than feel the energy coming from them. I hope this is helpful. I’m always happy to talk about it together. :) Love, Dharmadevi

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8/7/17 (From Narayan, after sending him birthday wishes.) Thank you, Jennifer! I hope you know that your friendship is one of the prized jewels of my life. Love, Narayan So much has changed in the last year. I opened and lead a spiritual center for Ananda. The nature of karma is that we are given that which makes us uncomfortable so that we may evolve and change from within. I am evolving. I am evolving toward pure love. It hardly seems that my faith, devotion, and sincerity can go deeper, and yet they always do with Guru’s help. 12/05/19

h The email below is another perfect example of God using people as channels for His pure love. I received His message loud and clear. Dear Shanti, Joy from Southern CA. I want to check in and thought I’d share something exciting with you. A few days before your visit to Thousand Oaks I experienced a pal-

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pable shift away from fear. Thank you, God! I am completely aware of the moment it happened. Although it felt kind of spontaneous, I’m also aware of the years of work, prayer, affirmations, meditation, service, time, and mostly Grace…that led to it. The relief, though not entirely freeing, is incredible. Two days later, when we stood in the kitchen, I mentioned some lingering fear, and you firmly told me to “Stop! End this now!” I immediately understood the deeper connection between your message and my lingering old tendencies to doubt the shift in my consciousness. Your message was a beautiful divine gift of finality. Whether or not becoming a jivanmukta is my destiny in this incarnation, only God knows. But I serve with that intention. I step heart-fully into everything Master presents, no matter how painful, and I’m awed by His generosity. He knows I’m willing and eager to do the work, to admit my faults, and to change myself as quickly as possible. I’m so grateful for your offer of support, Shanti. I will always receive guidance with enthusiasm, joy, and gratitude, and I will respond with 100% effort. In joy, Jennifer Jivanmukta: One who is inwardly free while living in this world. The jivanmukta has dissolved his limited ego in infinite consciousness and no longer accrues new karma but still has some karma from past incarnations to dissolve.

12/20/19 The circle of people with whom I can share my journey has

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dwindled for several reasons that I can think of. It feels like few friends outside of Ananda can relate to the depth of this relationship with God. Also, I’m feeling that talking casually about my God-given experiences diminishes their essence and takes away from the gift that they are. I want God to feel my deep reverence for each gift I receive. They are therefore kept in my heart alone. Many I will never write about. I know I have confidants who will lovingly discuss anything with me, and I am so grateful for their support. However, I no longer feel a need or desire, or that it’s appropriate to tell them everything. They, too, have their journeys and I should now only burden them when necessary. Most important, I now trust and rely upon God for answers. I must strengthen my meditations, and my attunement to Him, turning to Him in all things. Trusted friends were placed in my life as pure channels for His love. To them, I could express what I was going through without concern for appearances, and it has been a LOT! I now place myself in His hands alone and trust that I will be guided. 1/5/2020 A significant change I began writing nine years ago, the day before this journey began. Overwhelmed with confusion, I needed somewhere safe to confide all that was happening. I needed to talk with someone who would be non-judgmental, impersonal, encouraging, and open to the spiritual nature of what was unfolding. Without doubt, God placed Terry in my life to support my transition from atheist to a soul filled with utter faith and devotion in God. He made her the occasional receptacle for

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my awe, gratitude, and wonder at what was unfolding. I’ve omitted much of my journey from this journal because some divine gifts feel too personal to put on paper. But Terry and I met periodically, and she heard more of my journey than anyone else. I came to her as an atheist in turmoil, believing that God was a fairytale. Fearing judgment, I was instead met with support and was encouraged to trust my heart. Nothing is random. This was an enormous gift that God knew I needed. Expressing my growing faith outwardly helped me to solidify my own inner knowing, similar to my experience with Pastor Mike. Even though Terry wasn’t consciously familiar with this path, her support helped me find the inner confidence to trust myself, and live a joy-filled life beyond what I ever imagined was possible. Over the years, my circle of confidants diminished by my own choosing. The journey has become deeply personal and inward. Also, I’ve realized that the resolution to any problem is always inwardly available if I will only calm and center myself in Divine Love. It’s definitely not always easy, but I know that every challenge has its purpose in my life. If I don’t understand the purpose of a challenge, I now go inward for help and guidance, and I’m always met with Grace, a natural and deeply fulfilling progression. Tears flowed in this morning’s meditation as I understood the depth of my faith in God alone. The tears weren’t of sadness but of joy, from knowing with such deep conviction all that I have come to understand. The tears also came from awe at my ability to stand confidently in that knowing. I know with all my heart that I am never separate from this

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divine relationship. God is never separate from me. It is time I put all of my faith and confidence in Him alone, going to Him always for guidance and support. I hope my own ability to receive His guidance won’t let me down. I fear feeling alone, but I trust that God will know and provide what I need, and that I will accept whatever He knows I need. This morning’s meditation offered another insight. I thought of Moses, and the parting of the sea – or rather, God surely planted the image in my mind because I really know very little about Moses. Whether the story of the parting is historical truth, I believe it is an allegory for the step that we as souls must take. WE must take the first step and then God will meet us with all His Grace. When the people approached the sea, God told Moses, “Do not fear.” The people needed to take the first steps into the water in faith, and only THEN, after they had demonstrated their faith, the waters parted. I am taking this inward step on faith, and I’m trusting that God will meet me with all the support I need. He is now truly my home. No one else. I’m saying, “All of my faith is now in You. I want only You. I will come to You with my joys, my sorrows, my confusion. I trust You will be here for me.” I have placed my faith in God for a long time now, but today this truth simply feels deeper and even more amazing. The shift feels hugely significant, as if I’m saying goodbye to all human attachments. I am not at all bereft of loving my fellow humans. I just love them more purely and better, not out of need but in joy. It is perfect. God alone.

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Thirteen: Clarity The Pastor and I Self-realization is the final goal of all human endeavor and the ultimate destiny for us all. It is a state of union, of expanded consciousness that comes by realizing our true Self as part of the great ocean of Spirit. We achieve this realization by breaking the delusion that we are this little ego, living in a little human body. We are trapped in delusion for countless incarnations as we test the waters and learn about our true Soul nature and where true happiness lies. When we’re united with the Infinite, we experience intense relief, boundless joy, and depthless gratitude. The practices of Self-realization are non-sectarian, non-dogmatic, and rooted in universal truth (Sanaatan Dharma - The Eternal Truth, or alternatively, “That Which Is”). I understood this very early in my journey. This path is experiential, firmly based in direct perception from within. No one, and no external entity can control or limit our access to pure divine grace. We do not need priests, pujas, or any other intermediary to have a direct experience of God. I am experientially positive about this. This is what gave me the strength and a true knowing in the beginning of my journey, sufficient to stand before a pastor who had a Ph.D. and many more years of experience than I, and politely declare, “We must agree to disagree. I know differently.” The limitations that he tried to impose on me were false. There were three significant points on which the pastor and I disagreed:

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My first disagreement. The pastor said that we must understand that we are all sinners. We are not sinners. We are meant to test everything that God places in our path. That does not give us license to do terrible things; it means that if we do, we will face the consequences. But when we mess up, through His grace we will be offered more opportunities to change from within. We will reincarnate for as long as it takes, millions of times if necessary, until we get it right. To understand that we have each tested everything that God offers us is a beautiful way to develop unconditional, non-judgmental love. How can I hate someone who has committed a terrible crime, if I may well have done so more times than they have? The reason I’m no longer misbehaving as they are is that in my long journey of incarnations I’ve tested those experiences and found them unfulfilling. It’s similar to our attachment to vices such as alcohol and drugs. I know that I’ve completed those particular journeys in the course of my millions of incarnations, through trial and error. Otherwise, I would still be attached to them. How can I judge someone who simply hasn’t yet tested that particular vice as thoroughly as I have? God doesn’t punish us with an eternity in hell when we make mistakes, nor does He consider us sinners. He patiently gives us opportunities to learn and evolve. If God is patient with us for the endless eons while we’re messing up, why should people hate each other? Instead of hating, I can be non-judgmental, understanding that I’ve been there and done these same or similar things. Rather than labeling and condemning, we can change the foundation of our culture by offering young people an education in Self-realization, with classes on our soul’s evolution in understanding, so that we will all understand the journey we’re on. As a society, we have a responsibility to help people realize truth. We can offer meditation classes in schools. We

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can offer classes in jails and prisons, allowing the inmates to experience something greater - their true, inner nature. The Yugas must also be brought into the discussion. Our collective consciousness as a species on this planet is impacted by the planets’ position in the cycle of the Yugas. I didn’t speak about the Yugas in my journal. I heartily recommend The Yugas: Keys to Understanding our Hidden Past, Emerging Energy Age and Enlightened Future, by Joseph Selbie. My second disagreement with the pastor. Mike said that if we don’t accept the teachings of the church we will go to hell and be separated from God for all eternity. We do not go to hell. To me, this very common claim feels like nothing more than a scare tactic. Every soul in existence will inevitably be reunited with God - it’s our common destiny. No one is excluded from this truth. When Swami Kriyananda asked Paramhansa Yogananda about God’s forgiveness, the Master replied, “The soul is a part of God. No part of God can ever be destroyed.” Swami added, “The soul simply cannot be damned, either, for all eternity! Our final destiny is immutable: Sooner or later, we must all be saved, even if it takes us eons.” Swami added, “OF COURSE God forgives you! You need only to forgive yourself!” Swami Kriyananda said, “Guilt is a useless emotion, and even damaging to one’s spiritual progress.” We are meant to learn from the opportunities God provides us. If we don’t learn the intended lesson, we will be provided another opportunity, over and over, until we discover our soul’s divine nature. This is karma. God vibrated this dual creation from His pure stillness. He became the universe. He did not create it outside of Himself. The universe is manifested from His consciousness. On the level of our individual souls, He had to create the idea of separateness in us, or creation would have immediately merged back into His oneness. The Sanskrit word for that

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which separates us from God and lures us into feeling that we are unique is “Maya” - delusion. We wander for millions of incarnations, believing that we are unique, separate or special, until we at last realize that we are all part of the one infinite sea of divine Love. Every little particle that God manifested through His consciousness seeks at its core that eventual reunion with its source. We are all endowed with the longing to merge back into infinite joy, “Satchidananda” - ever existing, ever conscious, ever new bliss, as Paramhansa Yogananda translated it. The desire to return to Bliss is embedded in every soul’s spiritual DNA, exerting an irresistible magnetic pull. Our earthly lives are given to us simply to allow us to test all of the external options until we find that they are woeful substitutes for God’s bliss. Guilt is not a necessary part of the natural process. This earthly life offers countless beautiful external distractions, and we remain deluded by them for a long time. Over and over, we return and become engrossed yet again in the many outward things that we want to try. But in the end, it all falls short of our soul’s genetic memory of its true home in Bliss. When we finally begin to experience the “anguishing monotony” of this life, Yogananda said, we find ourselves at the first stage of the spiritual path. The sage Patanjali states in the first aphorism of his Yoga Sutras, “And now we come to the practice of Yoga.” At this point, we have finally begun to look seriously at the teachings that promise to reunite us with infinite Bliss. The point to remember is that we are meant to test everything - we MUST test everything, because that’s the only way we can become detached from this worldly existence. It cannot happen by sheer will power alone, or by merely “thinking” ourselves free of certain limiting behaviors. Only by testing again and again until we know - as Swami Kriyananda said, “with a sure inner knowing,” can we free

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ourselves from delusion. We refine our understanding gradually by learning from our own experiences. This is how our consciousness evolves. How could we possibly hold the guilt of millions of years of testing and failing? We learn from our mistakes and make amends where we can. We step into each karmic opportunity to change ourselves, in the hope of becoming more loving as we go. Our job is to extract ourselves from any sense that we are separate from God. When the desire to end our delusion of separateness comes upon us, this is when it can be said that we have truly entered the path of Self-realization. We are always on this path, but it’s only when we’ve become consciously aware of it, and deeply desire to experience increasing inner happiness and freedom from suffering, that we truly, consciously enter the path. Guilt over this natural process only separates us further from God. God asks only that we do our best. Guilt is our own ego, Maya, telling us that we aren’t good enough. We may expect perfection from ourselves, but God does not. We possess everything we need to realize our already-existing oneness with Spirit. Religious dogmas or ego-delusion may trick us into believing that we are separate from God’s Truth, but we are never actually separate from Him, and we have the divine right to realize that oneness right now. My third disagreement. The pastor said that Christ is our only savior. Christ the person is different from the Christ Consciousness. Jesus was his name, and Christ was his title, which refers to the universal divine Consciousness, the highest state we can attain. This is the “Kingdom of God” that the Bible refers to, and which Jesus Christ, Yogananda, Buddha, Krishna, and many others have attained. Yes, Christ is an incarnation of God - he is a true avatar. But He said that we, too, are incarnations of God and that

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we have the power within us to do everything that he did. We simply haven’t realized ourselves yet because we are still trapped in limiting delusions about what we truly are. Jesus taught the path of Self-realization. He taught his disciples how to attain their liberation and experience their oneness with God in meditation and devotion. But only a few were able to receive his teachings and attune themselves to him. “As many as received him, to them gave he the power to become the sons of God.” To receive him means to attune ourselves to his consciousness. We all have eternal life, and we will all merge back into God. It is our destiny. It was encouraging for me to understand that it isn’t merely a rare handful of exceptional souls like Christ, Yogananda, and Krishna who can attain that highest level of consciousness and merge into infinite bliss for all eternity. We, too, will reach that state of consciousness in our own perfect time. It is our destiny. But great avatars like Christ, Yogananda, and Krishna to whom God has given the power to infuse His consciousness into us, reincarnate here on Earth only infrequently. They arrive with a special commission from God when our planet as a whole needs their help to shift the general consciousness, just as Yogananda came to help the world make the transition into Dwapara Yuga, the now-dawning era of increasing energy-awareness. (More on this later.) It took some time, but I eventually gained the confidence to face the pastor knowing my own Truth.

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Peace Having God in my life didn’t mean that my life suddenly became easy. It didn’t instantly and miraculously dissolve the discomfort I felt from my life’s challenges. But using divine Grace as the filter through which I experience the universe does, indeed, offer the potential to decrease and eventually eliminate all suffering. The ego deludes us into believing that we have problems in our lives. It tempts us to believe that our circumstances aren’t fair. Ego has preferences, likes, dislikes, expectations, and attachment to outcomes. And when it doesn’t get what it wants, it throws a tantrum and tempts us to believe that we’re victims - that this life isn’t giving us what’s fair and what we deserve. The ego is the source of all our suffering. But there is a way to mitigate or even end the suffering. When we reach the point where we yearn for spiritual expansion, God responds by providing us greater opportunities for our spiritual progress. He is intimately familiar with our long karmic history, and he delivers the experiences that will help us learn to respond from love rather than from the ego’s reactions. We are not the product of our circumstances. We have drawn our exact circumstance to ourselves by our own past actions. They are perfectly delivered for our soul’s expansion, not as punishment - and they are never random. Through sincere self-examination we can use these opportunities to evolve and free ourselves from the ego’s bondage. It’s seldom comfortable to face challenges that are intended to change us at a deep level. It requires sincere introspection, a willingness to admit our faults, and the strength to transform ourselves. But when we understand this, we can

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begin to release the attitude that life isn’t fair. Understanding that this life is always fair can open doors to decrease our suffering. Eventually, we learn to experience our challenges as important keys to our spiritual progress. There may not be a sudden end to our suffering, but understanding that each circumstance of our lives was carefully designed for us is the first step toward changing on such a fundamental level that all suffering is transcended in God’s Love. We are in the habit of calling our challenges “bad.” But they are also good in that we need them for our spiritual progress. Our resistance comes from our soul’s long patterns of behavior that have created magnetic patterns in our energy body. How has our ego responded to its circumstances from one incarnation to the next? Have our responses created patterns of behavior that make it easier or more difficult to respond to all circumstances with love? We very likely don’t remember our responses from past lives, but they add up to a tendency – a pattern of energetic memory that impacts how we respond today. Those historical patterns are registered as karmic energies that travel with us from incarnation to incarnation. What kinds of energy patterns have we created? Are they taking us toward higher consciousness and loving acceptance, or are they pulling us deeper into ego-based delusion? This is where our God-given power of free will enters the discussion. Free Will and Karma We have incarnated millions of times. Free will and karma are inextricably intertwined in the process. They are the cause and effect of our soul’s long journey. Every day is perfectly delivered for our soul’s progress away from the ego’s control.

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Our free will allows us to respond with love and come closer to God, or from the ego’s control, its emotional needs, judgments, and expectations that take us away from God. Our own decisions create our karma. Grace provides endless opportunities to sanctify the ego’s downward-pulling responses and merge them in the sea of His loving energy. This cycle drives our millions of incarnations. We don’t need to stress that we haven’t yet reached the state of perfection. The process of spiritual growth is directional. What counts is our intention - the direction that we’re trying to follow. In every circumstance, are we setting our will toward higher consciousness, or toward remaining exactly as we are, bound by our likes, dislikes, and outward-pulling desires? God does not punish us when we cling to the ego. He is unfailingly, perfectly, unconditionally loving. He will patiently provide as many opportunities as we need in order to learn our lessons, over as many lifetimes as we need. He doesn’t expect us to be perfect. If we aren’t making mistakes, we’re probably not reaching high enough. God cares about our intention, not our present perfection. We can easily get bogged down in the delusion that we can create perfect joy for ourselves in this world. We’ve been given the free will to test the possibilities for millions of incarnations until we’ve had enough. Until then, we continue to reincarnate, changing bodies like sweaters. When we’ve exhausted the usefulness of our latest human container, we discard it and come back in a new one. Over time we slowly begin to learn and make spiritual progress. When we’re ready to change ourselves inwardly we come to the path of Yoga. Paramhansa Yogananda said that by the time we’ve reached this point, we are very, very, very advanced souls.

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About meditation Meditation is one of the most natural and rewarding of all human activities because it removes us from ego-consciousness and helps us become aware of our subtle energy body. Meditation reduces stress, calms the mind, improves our health, and gives us inner peace. Most important, meditation is a spiritual practice that lifts our consciousness into direct experiences of higher realms. Meditation has the power to transform our lives in ways we cannot even intially imagine. People often tend to feel that they’re not good meditators. But we don’t have to be perfect. All that matters is our effort and our intention. As St. Teresa of Avila said, “People often feel they are not good meditators. What is a good meditation? A meditation is well done if all you did was fight distraction.” There are many scientific techniques that can help us improve our meditation practice, but the feelings of the heart are the most important consideration. Through self-offering and devotion, every meditation provides an opportunity to bring us closer to God. Even if we struggle in our efforts, we’ll find that our efforts alone will change our lives in positive ways that we could not have imagined. Meditation is a beautiful form of service to others. When we lift our consciousness and align ourselves with divine Love, we are making our best contribution toward uplifting the world. You will likely find that as your personal practice develops, the magnetism of your increasing love and your uplifted consciousness will impact those around you. Most important of all, meditation is the foundation of spiritual progress. It’s how we experience our true Soul nature. It is our scientific laboratory where we can go to experiment with energy, and experience our eternal relationship with God. The resulting joy and calmness of meditation carry over into all that we do. It was in meditation that I developed faith. It was through my personal experiences of God’s love, strength, wisdom, patience, humor, and kindness that I gained an inner know-

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ing of Truth. This inner knowing has allowed me to let go of doubts and outright disbelief - atheism. The experience of the joyful gifts I received in meditation is the greatest blessing of my life. Kriya The path of Self-realization is both an art and a science. The art involves attuning ourselves to love, devotion, faith, and the qualities of an expansive heart. We can absolutely achieve oneness with the Infinite through these alone. But great avatars throughout history have given the world techniques that can dramatically accelerate our spiritual progress. In 1920 Paramhansa Yogananda came to the West, commissioned by his great guru, Swami Sri. Yukteswar, to teach people to communicate with God directly. The Kriya technique is the most effective scientific tool for achieving union with the Divine. Paramhansa Yogananda often referred to it as “the airplane route to God,” because it dramatically expedites spiritual progress. Yogananda said that if done perfectly, “One thousand Kriyas practiced in eight hours gives the yogi, in one day, the equivalent of one thousand years of natural evolution: 365,000 years of evolution in one year.” The Kriya technique is mentioned by Patanjali in his Yoga Sutras and by Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita. The technique works by giving the devotee control of prana, the life-force energy in the body. This is just one of the aspects of the science of Self-realization that is available to everyone. Early in the journal I wrote that I had no idea why the revolutionary spiritual change happened in my life.

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This is absolutely true. When I wrote those words, I believed that I was defined by this single body and that I would live my best life and die and rot in a box, over and out. There was nothing else. This was atheism. But as I learned about my soul’s long existence, I gained an entirely new context for my life. I couldn’t consciously remember my soul’s long journey, but my higher consciousness, my eternal soul, knew precisely what was happening. My soul yearned for freedom, and that yearning and magnetic pull back to God is present in us all. It’s embedded in our spiritual DNA. Our life’s purpose is to remember, and to complete the journey home. As Paramhansa Yogananda said, “Environment is stronger than will power.” My birth into my specific parents’ home wasn’t a random event. Incarnating into a home where science ruled, and having to wage war against the outward pull of human-created explanations and environmental influences, forged my iron-clad faith in the steel of battle. Never again will I suffer from doubts about God’s existence. I am now impervious to external attacks to my faith or my own ego’s attempts to delude me. My depth of devotion was forged in the strenuous battle against judgment from all directions. Telling my family It took time before I was able to proclaim my inner changes to my family. I had to find a sure footing in faith and experience before I could place my new self before them. I remember my son’s response, “Mom, you swore to us that there was no such thing as a God. Now you’re swearing that there is. How should we know which to believe?” A fair question! My answer wasn’t hard to find. As my children grew up, I shared with them what my environment led me to believe,

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and what I was taught. What I was sharing now was based on direct, personal, inner experience, not on anyone else’s thoughts, school lessons, or academic research. It was not based in belief, but in knowing. What they choose to do with all of this was entirely theirs to decide. I fully embrace that each soul is traveling on its own path and will receive from God exactly what it needs. As their parent, my job was simply to love them, support them and respect their individual spiritual paths. I did not have this understanding while raising them. My personal sense of identity was very much attached to being their parent. Now I understand myself as a loving soul who was given temporary custody of them, and whose job it was to keep them safe until they were empowered to resume their spiritual growth. With this understanding, I can love much more purely. My husband married an atheist! Telling him was a bit more complicated in some ways, but easier in another. There was more fear about telling him. I didn’t want him to feel that this would affect our marriage in a negative way, which I don’t believe it has. I am now able to love more purely without ego attachments that only contort pure love. It was easier to tell him because we have always had unconditional trust in each other. I trusted that he would be here for me, and he has been. He is my person. I am so grateful. The Ananda community Ananda was founded in 1969 by Swami Kriyananda, a direct disciple of Paramhansa Yogananda. Swamiji left his body in 2013, whereupon Nayaswamis Jyotish and Devi succeeded him as Ananda’s spiritual directors. Ananda is a worldwide movement based on the teachings

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of Paramhansa Yogananda who showed how everyone can realize God within themselves and in their daily lives. Ananda is a non-denominational movement for meditation, inner growth, and spiritual community. Ananda’s primary goal is to help people achieve Self-realization. As Yogananda said, “Self-realization means realizing your true Self as the great ocean of Spirit by breaking the delusion that you are this little ego, this little human body and personality...” One of the greatest gifts I found in Ananda was that it gave me the opportunity to observe others who had committed to this path, many of them for decades. I saw that they were not blind followers and had not lost their minds. They were a rich assortment of thoughtful, inspirational, authentic, high-minded, and joy-filled people. They had an “it” thing that made me feel good in their presence. They were the kind of people about whom I felt, “They have something I want.” Ananda is my spiritual home. It is filled with like-minded souls whose lives are committed to seeking Higher Truth. It was these people who were rooted in Sanaatan Dharma (Eternal Truth) who helped me find my own firm footing in this path. This is the Ananda community, my spiritual family of people who are filled with unconditional love and Grace. The book title The study of Raja Yoga (Royal Path of Union with God) helps us discover our true soul nature, our spiritual destiny, the nature of reality, and how to unite ourselves inwardly with God. The sage Patanjali, whose Yoga Sutras are the “bible” of the yogic path, describes four branches of yoga practices that can help us attain knowledge of the Self: Karma Yoga, the path of selfless action; Bhakti Yoga, the path of devotion;

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Gyana Yoga, the path of knowledge and discrimination, and Raja Yoga (Royal Yoga), the harmonious combination of all three, with meditation as its foundation. We are individually predisposed to be stronger in one branch than the others. Understanding the four yoga teachings helps us understand our own natural human tendencies or temperaments and how we can personally find inner union with God. We must eventually balance all of the paths within ourselves to achieve final union. My story is about re-discovering my soul nature as a bhakti yogi, a yogi of devotion. My tendency is to operate from the heart center, practicing deep love and devotion to God. My job as a bhakti yogi is to balance this with the paths of the gyana yogi and the karma yogi. Without seeking deeper understanding through the path of discrimination, devotion can turn into mere outward emotion. Without karma yoga, selfless God-reminding service, a bhakti yogi could become selfish or lazy. Whatever our tendencies, our job is to find a balance between all aspects of our nature. The perfection of the paths brings us to God-realization through Raja Yoga (Royal Union). What has happened since this book was written The Ananda Thousand Oaks center became a beautiful community. God and Guru brought it into the lives of many whose yearning for deeper understanding of their soul’s journey had reached a point at where Grace offered them this resource. Often, someone would walk into the center and immediately “feel” the divine energy from the Masters and say, “Ahh, I have found what I’ve been seeking.” The center supported spiritual seekers by offering classes in meditation, discipleship, preparation to receive the Kriya

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technique, kirtans, and spiritual community. It offered a core twelve-week series on the path of Self-realization called “The Art & Science of Raja Yoga” based on the teachings of Paramhansa Yogananda. The center became home to a community of souls who shared a desire to progress in the spiritual path. For me, the center was one of the greatest gifts of my life. Serving there was an enormous form of tapasya, of receiving with gratitude every circumstance that God provided me as an opportunity to resolve my karma and change myself from within. Tapasya requires self-discipline. It means softening our hearts to the discomfort, and being receptive to the lessons and to the work that must be done, knowing that it is all for our spiritual expansion. I could choose to struggle against events, feeling that they were too uncomfortable or unfair. But I chose to recognize them as coming from God’s hands. Tapasya is accepting that nothing is random, that we have karmically drawn to ourselves everything that we experience as a lesson and an opportunity. The challenges of opening and serving in the center were uncomfortable but perfect. I would have been more comfortable remaining inward, staying in my personal space, practicing my devotion privately as I must have done in many past incarnations. However, God knew that it was time for me to stop hoarding my devotion and to share, to serve others, and learn to communicate outwardly what I feel and understand in my heart. Becoming a teacher was not comfortable, but it provided tremendous spiritual expansion. It was an opportunity to accept lovingly what God placed in front of me, knowing that it was exactly what I needed to resolve my karma, even though it forced me out of my comfort zone. It helped me balance my Bhakti nature with aspects of the Karma and Gyana paths to God. I’m certainly not done! But I am grateful for the gifts that have helped me make progress. God perfectly provides everything we need to attain lib-

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eration in Him. Our free will exists to the extent that we get to decide how we will respond to what He places in front of us. I choose to accept all that I am given, to show up and do my best, even when it’s very uncomfortable. Understanding the perfection of these opportunities, recognizing God as the doer behind all, and recognizing His perfect love for me still brings me to my knees in gratitude and devotion. If there wasn’t this knowing behind the uncomfortable circumstances of my life, I would not have the incentive to show up continually and do the hard work. I’m speaking of the center in the past tense. Due to financial reasons resulting from the 2020 COVID pandemic, the decision was made to close the physical center. This was an enormous loss to those who felt that they had finally found their spiritual home. Ananda Thousand Oaks continues in its pure energetic form, meeting online and supporting each other as a community. Our planet has recently entered Dwapara Yuga, an era of rising energy and expanding consciousness. We are experiencing a natural evolution as part of that cycle. As we adjust, it is uncomfortable. But we will come out better and stronger. God is not punishing us. He is providing us opportunities for global spiritual expansion. We are eliminating the physical distances between each other, expanding our understanding of the truth that we are one with all, and eventually eliminating hate, judgment and intolerance. The coronavirus, a result of planetary karma, is transforming the world. It is not meant to punish us but to wake us up, to help us see that we must make social changes. We must see Divine Mother in everything, replacing anger, competition, intolerance and judgment with love for all. We are being presented opportunities to go deeper in our faith, trusting that God sees a bigger picture than we can possibly understand. But His goal is always that we come out better and stronger. A saying of Paramhansa Yogananda speaks par-

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ticularly to the faith that we must now have: “I will go forth in perfect faith in the power of Omnipresent Good to bring me what I need at the time I need it.” A final note It’s interesting to me that my first journal entry flatly rejected God. My analytical mind and my heritage simply refused the possibility. But that same opening email spoke of the beauty of nature, of visceral moments that took my breath away, and of feeling present with heightened sense-awareness, mental clarity, and a sense of oneness with everything. I was absolutely experiencing Divine Grace and acknowledging how good it felt. I just could not accept its source. Over time I discovered the joy to be found in letting go of the need to understand something that was far beyond my human ability to conceptualize. I eventually learned to relax, open my heart in receptivity to Divine Love, and enjoy. There’s a wonderful story about Maurice Sendak, a children’s book illustrator whose art became very famous. Sendak’s drawings were colorful, emotional, and charming. Children often loved them so much that they would write letters to him saying simply, “I love you.” and Maurice would respond personally to every letter. One day a letter arrived from a little boy. For some reason, whatever the little boy said made Maurice feel a special desire to respond. So he wrote back and included an illustration that he drew on the letter. Days later, the child’s mother wrote to Sendak and said that her son had loved his letter and drawing so much that he’d eaten it! The experience of joy and love resonated so strongly in the little boy that he felt compelled literally to consume it. He wanted so much to be one with the aspect of love that he took it within himself. He didn’t stop to over-an-

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alyze the potential outcomes. He simply followed his joy. To know God takes that kind of childlike simplicity: the ability to let go of doubts, judgments, and analysis and allow ourselves to feel and receive Love. We must be like the little boy who wrote to Maurice Sendak, who consumed joy by taking it within himself on pure inspiration without allowing the rational mind to override the joy with its questions.

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A great joy! On the day editing of this book concluded, we signed a lease on a space for the new Thousand Oaks Ananda Center! We look forward to opening again soon. If you feel inspired to make a donation, your generosity will help Ananda share these teachings with others. www.anandathousandoaks.org/donate/

About the Author: JENNIFER DUKE is an Ananda minister, a disciple of Paramhansa Yogananda and a Kriyaban. She leads classes in the path of Self-realization and serves as leader of the Ananda Thousand Oaks community.

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Resources To read great books by Paramhansa Yogananda, Swami Kriyananda and many other great writers on the path of Self-realization www.crystalclarity.com To learn about Kriya Yoga www.ananda.org/kriya-yoga/ To listen to healing, calming music 24/7 www.ananda.org/radioananda/ To find an Ananda center near you or to view Ananda’s online course catalogue www.onlinewithananda.org/course-catalog/ To view the year round schedule at The Expanding Light Retreat offering personal and group retreats, classes on meditation, yoga, the teachings of Paramhansa Yogananda, and spiritual counseling in a serene natural environment www.expandinglight.org

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“Sometimes God comes like a thief in the night; sometimes He breaks down the front door when you didn’t even know He was coming! The author’s Unexpected Visitor made mincemeat of her well-ordered atheist life, taking her into vast, uncharted regions of her own heart. Traveling from Peru to India, she eventually found her spiritual home as a Kriyaban-yogi, a disciple of a great Indian Master, Paramhansa Yogananda. A fascinating, almost daily account of this sudden, total transformation.” - Asha Nayaswami, Spiritual Director, Ananda Palo Alto Raised by atheists, Jennifer Duke rejected any possibility of an omniscient creator. At age fifty, she could not have foreseen the cataclysmic shift that was about to occur in her life – and the profound inner experiences that would challenge her entire view of reality. What changed? What took her to Peru and India in search of answers? This book is not about organized religion. As Jennifer would discover, we do not need priests, dogmas, or institutions to experience our own direct, inner connection with Spirit. No one and no external entity can limit our access to the Divine Light. Through her direct experiences of union with Spirit, she was able, in time, to navigate the revolutionary shift in her understanding of Truth. In Jennifer’s clear, sincere narrative we feel the authenticity of her journey, as she discovers her Soul nature, the truths of the universe, and the path of Self-realization.

JENNIFER DUKE is an Ananda minister, a disciple of Paramhansa Yogananda, and a Kriyaban. She leads classes in the path of Kriya Yoga and Self-realization, and serves as leader of the Ananda Thousand Oaks community.