Drawing Boundaries for Optimal Mental Health

Mai Elsayed For many of us, drawing boundaries with our boss, spouse, and even friends can be challenging. Here to explain how it’s done, Mai Elsayed, NextGen MENA Committee member, Clinical Hypnotherapist provides tips and reveals how it can boost your mental health.

WHAT IT MEANS

Boundaries, explains Elsayed, define where one’s self ends and other people begin. Setting boundaries simply means communicating with others what we can and cannot accept. She elaborates, “Almost all relationships require that we draw boundaries because we teach people how to treat us by politely expressing our lines of discomfort when it comes to physical space, feelings, and behaviors.”

THE IMPLICATIONS IF BOUNDARIES ARE CROSSED

According to Elsayed, when we have weak boundaries, we are often at risk of being taken advantage of and underappreciated. “We end up carrying the burden of someone else’s problems and accepting treatment that leaves us in an emotional turmoil,” she says, therefore, we are left confused and run over, losing the true essence of what healthy boundaries mean or feel like. In the long run, this destroys relationships by building a sense of resentment between both parties. The power dynamic in the relationship changes, she says, becoming an unhealthy one, with one person expecting the other to always sacrifice their needs and wants to please the other. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, we end up feeling unfulfilled that we could lose our sense of identity and self-worth when we allow people to tell us how to think, feel or behave.

WOMEN DRAWING BOUNDARIES

Why do women in particular, have such a hard time drawing boundaries? Lacking boundaries goes back to our childhood and the way we were raised, tells Elsayed. “When we grow up with conditional love from our caregivers, we learn to do whatever it takes to seek our guardian’s approval to avoid feeling rejected or unloved,” she says, and this applies to both men and women. That said, women have been programmed to be ‘polite’ and ‘nice’ so it is sometimes difficult for them to say ‘no’ to someone who is trespassing their boundaries. “Especially collectivistic cultures have done an excellent job at making kindness and humility synonymous with bending over backwards to please others,” she says. “At a very young age, girls are conditioned to be over-giving and that often leaves them forgetting to prioritize themselves and their own needs.”

THE PROCESS TO HELP DRAW BOUNDARIES

Setting boundaries is directly linked to one’s own self-worth. Therefore, the following process starts with having a one-toone conversation with yourself. Firstly, an important first step is to identify our values and what we stand for. This, she says, allows us to know ourselves better, especially if feeble boundaries have left us with a blurred sense of self. “The second step is to identify people and situations who leave you frustrated, angry or burnt out,” she says, as we should next set clear boundaries in our own minds about what is and isn’t our responsibility. It is always helpful to journal these thoughts down as it creates a clear roadmap or acts as a reference point. Next, ask yourself how you would have reacted to the situations you have listed in step two. “Then make a promise to yourself to respect it and put it first by communicating your thoughts and feelings honestly,” she explains, and lastly, keep in mind that it may not be easy at first, but embrace the discomfort of setting new boundaries and remember that it will always be better than allowing others to walk all over you.

BOOSTING MENTAL HEALTH

Setting boundaries not only teaches people how to treat us, but also helps us to evolve our sense of self-worth and identity, advises Elsayed. She adds, “People automatically respect those who know when and how to draw the line. We spare ourselves the trouble of going through the stress and anxiety of meeting someone’s unrealistic expectations while having a clearer sense of identity. ”

TIPS TO MAINTAIN POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS WHILE STILL MAINTAINING BOUNDARIES

John Gottman, an American psychologist, coined four horsemen of relationships. These are over criticizing others in harsh ways, communicating in a state of contempt in which we treat each other with disrespect and mockery, behaving defensively or responding to criticism with defensiveness, and finally, stonewalling or withdrawing from the interaction when a response is required. To maintain a positive relationship across the board, we should avoid Gottman’s four horsemen while expressing our thoughts and emotions with kindness and respect. H