Grape Expectations by Max Crus Pocket full of ignominy.

Along time ago I took a leisurely stroll down the main street, which was busy, chatted to some people, did some window shopping and popped into a shop to pick up an order.

“Excuse me, Max”, the woman behind the counter said, “you have your t-shirt on back-to-front?”

No big deal I thought, hardly worth mentioning, but thanks for letting me know.

“…and inside out”, she continued.

Stockman’s Ridge Orange ‘Rider’ Gruner Veltliner, 2022, $35. Gruner veltliner sounds like a character in a submarine movie, but it is lovely to say and, in this case, the cheaper of two versions from Stockman’s, lovely to drink. A novel twist on

“Well, you’re an optometrist aren’t you, why do you think I’ve come here”, I retorted, or would have if I was quick enough.

It’s funny how people immediately make the judgement that you have done something like that because you are old, ie they think you are older than them, which is often not even correct, in which case neither is it funny.

Annoyingly, in general, people make ageist jokes about you long before white wine. 9.4/10. Stockman’s Ridge Orange Gruner Veltliner 2022, $40. This is like a fullbodied chardonnay without the baggage. Plenty going on, fun to think about while it’s happening, but none of it overwhelming as chardonnays can sometimes be. It’s a

Max Crus is a Clarence Valley-based wine writer and Grape Expectations is now in its 26th year of publication. Find out more about Max or sign up for his weekly reviews and musings by visiting maxcrus.com.au you are truly old enough to warrant them, and in the fulness of time when you are, it is completely inappropriate to do so. Anyway, recently, a decade later, I had a second wardrobe malfunction which, embarrassingly, I didn’t discover until I was undressing for bed, compounding the ignominy by having been in public for much of the day, meeting countless people, friends and strangers alike, none of whom had the good grace wonder there isn’t more of it. 9.5/10.

82 Metres Yarra Valley Sauvignon Blanc 2021, $16. Somewhat subdued as far as sauv’s go, it’s a simple but satisfying take on summery or sun-flled lunch fare at an equally satisfying and simple price. More like a characterful to alert me that the left back pocket of my trousers was hanging out.

A small thing, but it looks ridiculous, disgusting even, and the sort of thing that makes people think you are either too old or too young to dress yourself, the reality that you dress in the dark and never look in the mirror, let alone turn around in front of mirrors, never crossing their minds.

But the real culprit here is clothing manufacturers. What possible use is a left, verdelho than a bitey pungent sauv’ blanc.9/10.

82 Metres Yarra Valley Shiraz, 2019, $18. This is like my dress code, uncomplicated, yet surprisingly moreish and deceptively easy to drink, which is utterly unproblematic at $18 and a modest back pocket? No-one ever uses them.

They’re like left-hand rear-vision mirrors, 93 per cent of drivers and 100 per cent of Coalition voters and Trump supporters never look left, even if their life would be better for it.

I have never put anything in a left, back pocket. Indeed trousers didn’t have them until Levi Strauss came along. Maybe cowboys have a use for them?

You can put your phone

13.5 per cent. 9.2/10.

Byrne SA Double Pass Shiraz, 2021, $20. Plenty of bang for your buck at 15 percent and only $20, and although not sophisticated, the richness is amazing. Bit like a Kardashian. Made to share with many. 9.3/10.

Byrne SA Single

Max Crus

there and not fnd it until you wash your clothes. You can put your theatre ticket there and have to buy another for the same reason. Stupid place for a pocket and therefore by extension, stupid to put anything in it, and an accoutrement just waiting to embarrass, which immediately explained why the eyes of the woman behind the counter in the bottle shop followed me out the door. She used to work at the optometrists.

Vineyard Riesling 2021, $20. With neither the bite nor the steeliness of cooler climate rieslings this has more depth and is probably a good wine to sway those old coots who think all rieslings are sweet. Is that ageist? 9.1/10.