Poor fellow my country…motel.

During a brief era things improved, got a bit posh even : Moccona coffee, eight tiny milks instead of six and kettles ftted under the tap, but evidently that golden age is over.

It looked normal at a glance, bedspread made of seagrass matting, light switches older than Joe Biden and none corresponding to the nearest light, least of all the one over the bed.

But then cracks appeared. International roast had returned. Struth, night with a slither of ice. Amazing history. 9/10.

Tyrrell’s Hunter Valley Estate Grown (Dry Grown) Shiraz 2021, $40. When you’ve grown up and progressed from sausage to schnitty to sirloin, you need to up the ante. Altogether more polished and fner, rounder barely one notch up from Pablo. The stylish ‘fan’ of condiments was gone, replaced with a tacky little box barely big enough to hold four sugars and, most disappointingly, no plastic wrapped biscuits. Not even those lemon ones that no-one has touched since the light switches were installed.

Already the cheapest known biscuits available, surely removing them wouldn’t save much?

The bathroom revealed more issues, but alas no and softer, just as you are likely to be. Perfect match then. 9.4/10.

Tyrrell’s Hunter Valley Shiraz 2022, $26. The Mumma Bear of Tyrrells Hunter shirazes, a bit lighter than the Estate but a very similar feel. If you were trying to save some dosh, you wouldn’t be tissues. The hand towel turned out to be the everything towel. The bathmat barely big enough for two feet. Was I staying in Lilliput?

In the end, that was enough because the hot water took so long to arrive that I had to checkout before I got wet.

And talk about scraping the bottom, the toilet paper was the real low point, as it so often is.

Toilet paper is the lasagne of Italian restaurants, dim sims compromising much on favour or character, indeed by the end of the night you may not notice. 9.2/10.

Zema Estate Coonawarra Family Selection Cabernet Sauvignon 2018, $50. This has just enough age to it to reveal its true cabernet character and just enough alcohol of Chinese - for this analogy let’s not go Indian tonight – it is the litmus of the joint. Regrettably at this latest one the people responsible for the consumables don’t need to go back to school, that’s where they found their inspiration.

Remember those tiny, brittle squares of waxed paper that smeared more than absorbed and came from the same factory as Glad Bake? They’re back, and not just in schools, although surely private to reveal yours after a few glasses. 9.5/10. schools would not stoop so low. Do they even wipe their own bums?

Zema Estate Coonawarra Family Selection Shiraz 2018, $50. A big glass deserves a big wine and they don’t come much bigger than this. 15% needs a solid Crown Corning to hold it together. 9.3/10.

Then, the crowning glory…the highest quality Crown Corning, “that thicken as we gaze”, and make a perfect substitute if you have lost your reading glasses, yet wisely are exactly one standard drink…with a good meniscus on it.

Ah, yes, a roadside motel, “All you who have not loved her, you will not understand”.

Zema Estate Coonawarra

Rosé 2023, $20.50. There are very few true red rosés, most tending to the lighter, whiter shade of the spectrum, so it’s a delight to have one that isn’t afraid to express its redness. Refreshing, red summer night stuff. 9.3/10.