Wines

Grape Expectations by Max Crus

Swearing off Apple

Many people swear by their Apple devices, specially now that they have incorporated the popular Samsung technology ‘Swype’, although paradoxically, plenty of these same people now also swear at their Apple devices not least because, equally paradoxically, Apple devices do their darndest to stop you swearing while swyping and indeed would probably not allow this very sentence because it contained the disgusting word, ‘darndest’.

This is perhaps so that we cannot warn fellow digital travellers of the shortcomings of Apple devices, which are manifold and varied, and censor you texting a mate to say “this phone you recommended is not as good as you said”, when what you really wanted to text was “this phone is bloody awful, specially if you use it as a phone”.

“Oh”, he retorted, “I don’t use it as a phone, it’s just another gadget in my camera bag”. Damn. Which I wouldn’t have been able to swype on an Apple device because Apple doesn’t like ‘damn’, highlighting the most astonishing thing about the list of Apple’s naughty words, not only is it astonishingly long but astonishingly broad and, well, lame.

Sure you can understand not allowing the ‘F’ word and all its derivatives and variants, though by today’s standards even that’s somewhat anachronistic. Similarly the ‘C’ word probably doesn’t have a place in the preschool yard or nursing home, but then again, why not, as Ricky Gervais would testify?

There are times when those words are perfect - sorry to bring Scott Morrison into an otherwise political-free column – and almost as widely used as one of the most common in Australian idiom, ‘bugger’.

Bugger that.

Okay, if you have to resort to profanities you have probably lost the argument, but Apple won’t even let you use ‘hell’, or ‘murder’ or even ‘lewd’! It won’t allow real words like bastard and it’s obviously not a phone for dog (or bitch) owners.

WTF? Nah, can’t use that either, sorry.

But you can use assault rifle, antivax, climate denial, evangelical zeal and other stuff that half America is addicted to. Clearly Apple votes Republican.

But all is not lost for frustrated Apple users, there is a method of personalising your Apple dictionary, albeit complex, convoluted and tedious (as opposed to Samsung’s ‘use it once and it’s in’ approach) , so next rainy day (shouldn’t be long) grab a glass of wine and get grubby on your phone, and you’ll be able to use the little bugger uncensored for ever... or until your next update.

Max Crus is a Clarence Valleybased wine writer and Grape Expectations is now in its 26th year of publication. Find out more about Max or sign up for his weekly reviews and musings by visiting maxcrus.com.au Yarrh Wines (Canberra District) Mr Natural Rosé 2021, $30.

Mr Natural, Wild fermentation - low sulphur says the label, so you might expect something a little bearded/hipster, but it is so normal and refreshing you don’t even need to tie your hair in a bun to drink it. 9.4/10.

Yarrh Wines (Canberra District) Fiano 2021, $30.

You’ll have to put fiano in your phone dictionary manually even though it has become so mainstream now people blink at it less than the ‘c’ word. Somewhat akin to sauv blanc but definitely on the positive side of pinot gris. 9.2/10.

Taylors Padthaway Clare Valley Estate Label Chardonnay, 2021, $22.

The chardonnay is the wine to be drunk the warmest of Taylors latest ground level whites, which is as sensible as the temperature scale on the back label. 9.1/10.

Taylors Adelaide Hills Estate Label Sauvignon Blanc 2021, $22.

Apparently we should drink this a bit cooler than its riesling and chardonnay sister, Sister. Sauv blanc is almost a throwback these day to days when you couldn’t say shi*. 9.2/10.

Hesketh Mt Gambier Jimi’s Ferment Fumé Blanc 2021, $34.

You don’t see Mt Gambier on labels much and with this one, winemaker Jimi got a few tips from some French backpackers about fermenting it like a red wine. Interesting take on sauv and all the better for it. 9.4/10.

Hesketh Barossa Valley Regional Selections Negroamaro 2019, $24.

This grape sounds so exotic and adventurous, maybe something pirates would drink. But for those who hate dress-up or themed parties with a passion, at only 13.5 per cent you won’t end up talking like a pirate. 9.2/10.

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