CHARACTER NAM E
BRIEF DESCRIPTION
AGE
GENDER
Person I
A human adult. Knows he/she doesn't know everything. Somewhat lacking in confidence, yet opinionated, loud, and annoying. Willing to speak out against wrongs, but not willing to act.
Adult
N/A
Person II
A human adult. Thinks he/she knows everything. Steadfast, stringent, and, when pressed, ultimately draconian. It's her/his way or the highway.
Adult
N/A
The sound of slowly FLOWING WATER. Birds CHIRP. A paper sun shines in a canvas sky. A river in a cardboard sea. Idyllic, pastoral. It flows, all flows, serenely, beautifully, naturally. All is calm. All is bright... until, offstage, the VOICE of PERSON I resonates loudly. PERSON I Haven’t we been here already? PERSON II No. Person I and PERSON II row on stage. The former seems to be struggling with the oar; beads of sweat DROP loudly off of her/him. Person II sits in the front, guiding the boat with ease. PERSON I I swear we’ve been here before. PERSON II I swear you’re wrong. Beat. PERSON I We’ve definitely been here already. Beat. PERSON I I’m positive: We’ve been here before. Right here. Beat. PERSON I You’re not going to listen to me, are you? Silence.
2.
PERSON I You’re not even listening /Oh PERSON II (pretending as if he/she just noticed her/his shipmate) listening/Oh, sorry, I wasn’t listening. Person I, angry, rows harder in silence. Beat. The sun drops a bit; things get a tad darker. PERSON I Where are we going today? PERSON II You asked that yesterday. PERSON I So? Yesterday was “today” too. PERSON II And, what, tomorrow is “today” too? PERSON I It will be. Tomorrow. PERSON II (mockingly) “It will be tomorrow”—And the answer won’t change. PERSON I Of course it won’t. I knew that; I know that; you knew, you know, that I knew, know, that... No?... After all, you’ve only said it a million times. ... But why? Person II begins to laugh. PERSON II You just don’t understand, don’t understand... It’s progress.
3.
PERSON I M oving forward in the same old direction isn’t always progress! PERSON II Then show me another one, why don’t ya’. He/she motions behind the kayak. The water, just as the water in front of them, is undeniably flowing in the direction in which they are travelling. PERSON II Rowing upstream is pre-tty challenging. Not to mention completely unnatural. Person I once again looks back and forth. No luck. Presently, however, he/she looks around, and realizes PERSON I What about the land? Over there. On both sides of us. PERSON II What about it? PERSON I You said find an alternative. PERSON II Yeah, but that’s land. Beat. PERSON I And? PERSON II And our goal is to move forward. Land, by it’s very nature, is static. We, on the other hand, are always in motion—always moving, forward. PERSON I Well, we could land, just for a little bit, and ask someone for directions, to help us get moving again.
4.
PERSON II We’re already moving. PERSON I Well, faster. PERSON II Any faster and it’d be suicidal. PERSON I Fine, we can just look for a guide or something—someone that’s really familiar with the area and can help us find out where we’re going. PERSON II (defensively) I don’t need directions. I know where we’re going. PERSON I Well we can ask for some more guidance— PERSON II —Don’t need any— PERSON I —And a place to sleep. And some food— PERSON II —What, our kayak isn’t good enough for you to sleep in now? And what are you? Who sleeps anymore? Remember, our goal is to keep moving forward. We must continue to do so. Sleep is for the weak. PERSON I And the dead. Don’t forget them. Beat. The two row on. PERSON I Okay, fine. At the least can we land and find someone with some extra food? I’m starving.
5.
PERSON II We just ate. PERSON I You just ate. And you ate almost all of my portion! PERSON II Look how much bigger I am than you. It’s only fair that I get more to eat. PERSON I You already had more to eat! Your portion was bigger to begin with. Then you ate most of mine too! PERSON II That’s ridiculous. I— PERSON I —And, if you’re bigger, why is it okay for you to get more food, but for us to have to do the same amount of rowing? PERSON II ‘Cus that’s work. Work is different than food. PERSON I That’s bull shit. PERSON II You were the one ranting about “gabitarianism” and all that other nonsense the other day. PERSON I It’s “egalitarianism,” and it’s not nonsense; it’s the only real system of human organization. PERSON II So monarchies are fake? PERSON I They’re not legitimate. PERSON II What is legitimate? ... Depends on the day of the week, doesn’t it?
6.
Person I stares back in silence, incensed. PERSON II It’s simple. And it’s the idea you yourself were arguing for: You row three times, and push the kayak two feet. I row one time, and push the kayak two feet. You have to row three times as much as me. Gafertarianism. PERSON I That’s not how it works. PERSON II Of course it is. You just don’t like the results. Still believe in “equality”? PERSON I I still believe I’m fucking hungry and want something to eat. PERSON II You said “equality” should apply in the workplace; you never said it in regards to food. PERSON I (under her/his breath) Yeah, the more of one, the less you get of the other... PERSON II Hmm? Stop talking in the abstract. There are real, serious issues at work here. PERSON I Exactly. The two continue rowing in silence. PERSON I Can you at least try to help me row please? Out of kindness? PERSON II No. PERSON I Pleeez??
7.
PERSON II Noooo. PERSON I Why do you have to be such an asshole? PERSON II Why do you have to be so incompetent? Just do your share and stop complaining. Person I rows harder. The current seems to be getting a bit faster. Storm clouds are approaching in the distance. The sun has once again dropped; it is starting to get dark. PERSON I (trying to lighten the mood) Doesn’t rowing suck? PERSON II (as if he/she is stupid) No. PERSON I C’mon, you don’t think rowing sucks? PERSON II I don’t know what you mean. It’s necessary. PERSON I Why’s it necessary? PERSON II You ever try to get anywhere swimming? PERSON I In this current? No. PERSON II Well this current’s everywhere.
8.
PERSON I Everywhere? PERSON II Everywhere. No escaping it. PERSON I Wow... (reflecting on it for a moment) But, wait a second, we’ve rowed in currents that weren’t this fast. PERSON II Not true. They were this fast. It was just an optical illusion. Your mind playing tricks on you. It’s like this everywhere. PERSON I You’re making that up. Bs. Not everywhere’s like this. PERSON II Name a place where it isn’t. PERSON I Pssh, that’s easy. I mean, just think about, er, just, um... (fighting to retain the memories... but losing) No, but... PERSON II Think about yesterday. Or the day before that. Or before that. Or before that... It just goes on and on, right? But it’s a wash. All the same. Person I ruminates upon this idea, and begins to believe, but is reluctant to admit it. He/she fights back. PERSON I No, no, that’s bogus. Just because I can’t remember doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. PERSON II And just because you remember doesn’t mean it did happen.
9.
Beat. The two continue rowing, as it continues to get darker, and as the speed of the current seems to pick up. PERSON I (trying to vent some of her/his anger and frustration) You obviously don’t know where we’re going. PERSON II Sure I do. PERSON I Then where? PERSON II Can’t tell you. PERSON I (frustrated) Why do you keep saying that? PERSON II ‘Cus it’s not time yet. PERSON I And when is it gonna be time? PERSON II When it’s safe to reveal the information. PERSON I Safe? You keep saying that. Safe from what? No answer. PERSON I If we’re worried about safety here there’s got to be something we need to be safe from.
10.
PERSON II Can’t tell you that either. PERSON I And when can you tell me that? Beat. The two pass a buoy. PERSON I Look, right there; we’ve passed that already: We’re going in circles! PERSON II No we’re not; we’re moving forward. PERSON I Yeah, forward in the same miserable circle. We’ve been by here a million times. PERSON II A million is a lot of times. PERSON I Yeah, it’s about 999,999 times too many. Beat. PERSON II You’re wrong; we haven’t been here before. PERSON I Oh, I’m wrong, huh? PERSON II Wouldn’t be the first time. PERSON I Oh, yeah, speaking of a million times, right? It’s me; I’m wrong again, right? Isn’t that it?—Then explain how I know we’ll passing a tree right in a second here, around the bend. A muslin tree appears around the bend.
11.
PERSON II You saw it coming from back there and pretended like you knew it beforehand. PERSON I Pretended? Haha, good one... What about this gravestone that’ll be up here on our left then? It reads: “R.I.P. To All Killed in the War.” Sure enough, they pass the gravestone, exactly as described. PERSON II As far as I know, you made that and planted it there. PERSON I (beginning to lose her/his temper) Ugggh... Well, fine, what about that sharp red rock sticking out of the water that we’ll come across in a minute here. Can’t see it now, ‘cus it’s beyond the bank, but... Oh, look at that. See that there. A red rock. And sharp too, just like I said. PERSON II Not the same rock. Just looks like it. PERSON I Just looks like it? Ugh, fine, what about the seagulls’ nest coming up here? Can’t see ‘em with the naked eye; you can only know about them if you’ve seen the seagulls here before and follow them to their homes. See, look right there; there’s one now. We’ve been here so many times already I can name all the birds by heart! Person II pulls a set of binoculars out of nowhere and watches the bird. PERSON II There are a million seagulls on the planet. No way you could prove those are the same ones. As far as I know, you could’ve just read about ‘em in a book. PERSON I Ugh! In a book? Where the hell would I get a book? I’ve been in this fucking kayak. PERSON II No one’s making you stay. If you want to, fine, leave. I don’t care. Just don’t come back. When you’re gone, you’re gone.
12.
PERSON I I assure you, if I could’ve left, I would’ve done it, long ago! But where I am supposed to go? We’re in the middle of a river. PERSON II Not my problem. PERSON I Yeah, but if you help me row over to the shore, I’ll be able to leave. And you’ll never have to hear from me again. PERSON II Wouldn’t that be a happy day. ... But I don’t row in that direction. I only row forward. Life is short; and progress is sweet, but it is only hard- and long-earned. There’s no time for some sight-seeing detour. No time at all. PERSON I Come on! We’re so close. The land gets farther and farther apart as we go down the stream. Let’s do it now, before we lose the chance! PERSON II Not interested. And not my problem; I shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences. Leave, or stay. But if you decide to stay, stop complaining. Respect your, our kayak. And, on a personal note, take some God damn responsibility for yourself for a change. PERSON I (speechless) Responsibility for myself? I didn’t choose this shit. I didn’t choose to be in this kayak, in the middle of nowhere. And I did not choose to be here with you. PERSON II Boo-hoo. Life’s not fair. Just deal with what you’ve got. PERSON I What I’ve got is shit. Shit that keeps going and going... and going, and going in a big neverending cycle of shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit... The two row past a large floating heap of shit.
13.
PERSON I (shaking his head in disgust, throwing his arms up, motioning toward the putrid pile) That’s it. That’s it. I give up. We passed that again. Again. How can you possibly not remember being here? PERSON II We haven’t been here before. You are wrong. Face it. This water, that’s flowing around us, this is different water from a different place with different plants and animals in it at a different time. We. Haven’t. Been. Here. This place is just as different as anywhere else. PERSON I Places don’t change. PERSON II “Places don’t change?” Hahaha, good one. PERSON I Lots of people’s goal in life is to return to a previous point of time. PERSON II But this isn’t a previous point in time; this is a previous point in space. PERSON I Toe-may-toe, toe-maw-toe. PERSON II ****FIX FIX FIX Fish, ghoti. Beat. PERSON I I still don’t buy it. Places don’t change. Things in them change, but the places stay the same. PERSON II Places are defined by what’s in them stupid. (looking around, finding a dead turtle floating upside down) See that? Is that part of this place?
14.
Person I doesn’t answer, merely starting back in frustration. PERSON II It’s here, isn’t it? It’s in this place? Still no answer. PERSON II Well, hey, look at that; it’s going downstream, back the way. Part of this place is leaving, which means this place is changing. We have never been here before, and will never be here. This place is floating downstream; it’s behind us, in the annals of history. (triumphantly, with extra cheese) Only we keep moving forward, toward the light! PERSON I Yeah, the light at the end of the tunnel. The subway tunnel. Beat. PERSON I And, speaking of light, it’s starting to get dark. PERSON II Booga-booga. Beat. PERSON I Yo, it’s getting dark. PERSON II So? PERSON I Well, we gonna continue rowing all night? PERSON II What do we do every night?
15.
PERSON I What do we do every night? Beat. PERSON I Can this be an exception? PERSON II There are no exceptions. The two continue rowing forward. They find themselves at a river mouth, leading out into the ocean. Person I stops rowing in fear; Person II continues forward, like an automaton. PERSON I So we beat on. Boats against— PERSON II —with. PERSON I Boats with the current. PERSON II Borne back. PERSON I Ceaselessly. Into the pa— PERSON II —Future. Future. Ceaselessly. PERSON I Into the future...? Beat. PERSON I I don’t know much about my future... But what I can say is my future is not in the ocean.
16.
PERSON II It is if you want to stay in this kayak. PERSON I I don’t want to stay in this kayak. But I don’t really have a choice about that... And I’m not going into the ocean. PERSON II You’re already in the ocean friend. We all are. PERSON I (seriously now) No, fuck that. Seriously, fuck that. I’m not in the ocean, and I’m not going into that fucking ocean, especially with you. PERSON II Whoah, someone’s getting feisty all the sudden. Too bad the decision’s already been made. We’re going into the ocean. We have to. There’s no way around it. Straight shot... to paradise. PERSON I Fuck the ocean, and fuck paradise. I’m not doing this anymore. Person I drops her/his oar. Person II stares down at it, and slowly turns up to face Person I. PERSON II Pick it up. PERSON I No. PERSON II Pick. It. Up. PERSON I I said no. I’m not rowing out into the middle of the ocean at night when we don’t even know where the hell we are.
17.
PERSON II We know where we are; I know where we are. How many times do I have to tell you? PERSON I A few more times. M aybe it’ll sink in. PERSON II (truculent now) Speaking of “sinking in,” pick up that fucking oar and row. Or else. Person I, now obviously scared, remains motionless for a moment, trying to decide what to do. PERSON I No. PERSON II Haha, what did you just say? (her/his true colors becoming clear) You don’t have an option. Pick it up. Beat. Standoff. PERSON I (even more confidently now) No. Person II stares back, poker face on, trying to assess the situation. PERSON I No. I’m not taking this anymore. You’re going to kill me, us—you’re gonna kill yourself! And I’m not gonna let you take me down with you! PERSON II Then stop me. Person I glares back in silent fury.
18.
PERSON II You said you’re not gonna let me take you down. So stop me. ‘Cus I have no intention of changing my plans whatsoever. We are moving forward. PERSON I I don’t need to stop you. I just need to not participate. I refuse to participate. This is unjust; I don’t believe in it. Beat. PERSON II Well what if I force you to participate? Silence. A sudden tinge of terror strikes Person I’s eyes. He/she tries to hide it, but it’s too late; Person II has noticed. PERSON II Are you gonna stop me? Beat. PERSON II (provocatively) Will you defend yourself? PERSON I (firmly) I don’t believe in violence. PERSON II (suddenly relieved) Phew, good. I don’t either. Let’s settle this like civilized folk, shall we? The tension almost instantaneously disappears. Person II smiles. Person I, after a pensive moment, decides to smile back. All is well. Person II reaches out a hand to shake. Person I, smiling, reaches out to reciprocate...
19.
Suddenly, the tables turn. Person II violently grabs Person I’s arm. A short struggle ensues, as Person I tries to wrench her/his hand away, to no avail. Person II pulls hard on the socket; a quite nasty POP sounds. Person I, screaming in pain, spits in Person II’s face, who, in anger, pulls again on the arm, down to the oar on the floor, forcing Person I to pick it up. PERSON II (wiping the spit off her/his face in an angry disgust) Now fucking row the boat. Person I, in pain, now terrified, slowly begins to row again. The two carry on in silence now. The sun has long set, yet no moon has taken its place. The two row in darkness. Presently PERSON I You know you’re going to kill us, right? Silence. PERSON II You have so little faith in me. PERSON I Why should I have any faith in you in the first place? PERSON II That’s painful. That’s really painful, you know that? After all I’ve done for you? PERSON I All you’ve done for me? You haven’t done shit! PERSON II I’ve guided, I’ve commanded this boat, for the entire time you’ve been here—the long, long time. I’ve watched over you. I’ve made you into who you are. ... You think you can stand alone; you get all big and strong-like when you think I’m “oppressing,” “exploiting”... But the truth is I do it all for you. I only think of you.
20.
It’s all in your best interest. You may not see that now, you may not ever, but that doesn’t mean it’s not the best for you. Sometimes... Sometimes, it just takes greater, mmm, sensibilities, yes, that’s the word. Sometimes it just takes greater sensibilities to know what the best decision is for yourself. Problem is, some people lack those faculties. Sad, yes, but true. ... It’s my job to help these people do what’s best for them. To make them, if I have to. That’s what I do; that’s what I was born to do. ... But it’s a doubleedged sword, you know. A curse, disguised as a blessing. Those people I help, all those little you’s out there... They’re not grateful. They’re not appreciative of my sacrifice. ... They’re spoiled, miserable children—insolent swine, that’s what they are. I try to help them, really, I do... But they spit in my face. Beat. Person I, in terror, continues rowing, with a sudden surge of energy—adrenaline has kicked in. PERSON II Keep rowing. We’ve got a long way to go. (with an insidious grimace) And this is always my favorite part. Slowly but surely, Person I, now rowing alone, with Person II sitting victoriously in the front, her/his body languishing against a now ferocious current, against savage waves, inches on into the burgeoning darkness. A small flicker of a candle, slowly and surely extinguishing. CURTAIN