Cast of Characters JIG, a female, American THE AM ERICAN, a male, also American
Place An American home. Time And American evening.
At RISE: (THE AM ERICAN stares intently at a calendar, marker in hand. A set of beaded curtains hang next to him. JIG sits lethargically on the opposite side of the room on a couch, watching a television program at a rather altitudinous volume. Slowly, the American draws a big X over December 20th. He then turns around and, somewhat to himself, lets a question in the air.) THE AM ERICAN You know what I hate most about Christmas? (Jig continues watching the TV in silence.) THE AM ERICAN (a little louder) You know what I hate about Christmas? JIG (uninterested) I don’t know. The advertisements? THE AM ERICAN No. No, what’s worst of all is— Actually, you do have a point there. All those Christmas advertisements are annoying. JIG And there are So. M any. THE AM ERICAN Haha, yeah, you’re right. And they’re loud, and obnoxious, and distra— (A loud, and obnoxious, and distracting television ad with a sickeningly saccharine, upbeat CHRISTM AS CAROL blasts from the television set.)
2.
JIG —I can’t hear you; there’s a Christmas ad on. THE AM ERICAN (continuing) But, I mean, I can’t complain. At this time of the year they always have the “best deals,” and the “highest quality products” at the “lowest prices.” (As he says these terms, in an unexpected twist of fate, the television ad’s voice-over narrator echoes them verbatim.) THE AM ERICAN (still continuing) And clearance sales, and 50% off, and two-for-one— JIG —Those are the same thing. THE AM ERICAN Huh? JIG 50% off and two-for-one sales; those are the same thing. THE AM ERICAN (thinking about it for a moment) Oh, well, I guess they are. JIG And that’s one of the worst things about Christmas. THE AM ERICAN What? Oh, c’mon, get outta here. What’s wrong with sales? JIG Everything’s wrong with all sales. THE AM ERICAN “Everything”?
3.
JIG Yes. Even with things that aren’t on sale. THE AM ERICAN But if it’s not on sale, how can you— JIG —Okay, fine, even with things that are for sale but aren’t on sale. Beat. THE AM ERICAN (ponders for a moment) I see... Oh, uh— (Another ridiculous Christmas ad comes onto the TV.) THE AM ERICAN Ugh, so annoying. JIG You don’t even know. THE AM ERICAN Know what? (Jig doesn’t hear; she’s busy watching TV.) THE AM ERICAN Can you turn that thing down? JIG I don’t know, can I? THE AM ERICAN What? What’s that supposed to mean? JIG It’s an experiment.
4.
THE AM ERICAN What? What are you talking about? (sarcastically) And I thought I was the one that didn’t know. JIG Know? THE AM ERICAN No? JIG No. THE AM ERICAN No, Noh? JIG No! Know “know” or “no”? Beat THE AM ERICAN (voice rising comically) No? JIG (flagellating) No, no, damn it! Why can’t you just use another word? THE AM ERICAN I was using two— No wait, three. JIG What’s the third? THE AM ERICAN The Japanese theatre. JIG (nodding in understanding; drawing out) Oh...
5.
(Another loud ad comes onto the TV.) THE AM ERICAN See, right there? That’s what I’m talking about. Just look at those computer deals— JIG —Surplus value of labor. THE AM ERICAN What? JIG All computers, pretty much all— THE AM ERICAN —And are you gonna ever stop interrupting me? JIG (pointing at the TV) Are you gonna ever stop interrupting me? THE AM ERICAN Oh, well, gosh, I didn’t mean to interru— JIG (harshly) Life is an interruption. (The American stares back at Jig for a moment, in a brief, yet emotional, silence.) THE AM ERICAN Well that’s a depressing thought. JIG And it’s only part of the story. Don’t forget how we got to this God-forsaken country in the first place. Beat. THE AM ERICAN Is that a sex joke?
6.
(Jig, silent, looks back for a moment in frustration.) JIG What? THE AM ERICAN Don’t be coy— JIG —To us— THE AM ERICAN —Interrupt— JIG —Us, we— THE AM ERICAN —No. (Preluding with a simultaneous “ugh”) JIG (rapidly) I wasn’t talking about us; I—
THE AM ERICAN (rapidly) Will you stop interrupting me? I— (The two glare at each other angrily.)
JIG Will you stop interrupting me? I—
THE AM ERICAN I wasn’t talking about us; I—
JIG (taking over; aggressively) I repeat: Life is an interruption. (The American stares back quietly for a moment.) THE AM ERICAN Again, that’s a depressing thought.
7.
JIG And Christmas is just another interruption in the interruption that we call life. THE AM ERICAN Well that’s another depressing thought. JIG And again, you have know idea. THE AM ERICAN What’s up with that? You keep insinuating I don’t know anything. JIG I hope it’s more than insinuation. (The two stare sternly at each other for a moment. Jig then returns her gaze to the television set.) Beat (The American watches for a moment, in uncertain silence. Presently, he walks over to the television set and turns downs the volume a bit, before continuing the conversation.) THE AM ERICAN Well, anyway, getting back to my original point, what, five minutes ago, what I really think the worst part about Christmas is— JIG —Crime? THE AM ERICAN Huh? JIG Crime, break-ins, robberies, whatever, at its peak Christmas time. Socio-economic reasons.
8.
THE AM ERICAN I didn’t know that... JIG (slightly sarcastically) But you’ve seen all the ads? THE AM ERICAN Huh? JIG Whatever, now you do know. THE AM ERICAN So what, criminals don’t celebrate Christmas? JIG Well, seeing as we’re all criminals, and most of us celebrate Christmas, I’d say they do. (The American stares back in frustration.) THE AM ERICAN Well I wasn’t talking about crime. The worst thing is— JIG —Heart disease? THE AM ERICAN No. Not heart disease. How is that even relevant? JIG The average person eats five to six thousand calories on Christmas. And it’s all covered in butter. So, yeah, heart disease; obesity; death. Beat. THE AM ERICAN Well, um, I guess you’re right; that is pretty bad. JIG And it’s not even the worst.
9.
THE AM ERICAN (skeptical) What is then? JIG Easy, the exploitation, the Endless. Exploitation. THE AM ERICAN Okay, I’m not following anymore. JIG Pretty much every present people get here is made in a sweatshop. All that junk people don’t even need—made by people who work 16 hours a day, for 25 cents an hour. Wanna talk about sales? Now that’s a fucking bargain. THE AM ERICAN Oh, c’mon, you know that’s not true; those are just rumors. Think about it. I mean, if that were true, and people knew about it, they wouldn’t be able to live with themselves. They’d be monsters. (Jig stares back smugly.) THE AM ERICAN And, besides, Christmas isn’t just about gifts anyway. It’s a holiday. It’s about tradition, history, mythology. I mean, what about Christmas music? JIG Hate it. THE AM ERICAN Well, candy canes? JIG Corn syrup and sugar. Solid corn syrup and sugar. THE AM ERICAN Ugh, fine, Christmas trees? JIG The only time in the year people care about trees. The rest of the time they just cut ‘em all down.
10.
THE AM ERICAN But you like ‘em? JIG Not when they’re covered in... (disgusted) plastic lights... and, other stupid shit— THE AM ERICAN —They’re called “ornaments.” JIG “Ornaments,” whatever. But it’s not the tree people like; it’s the crap they put on it. THE AM ERICAN Ugh, okay, fine. What about all the (with extra cheese) beautiful, white snow? JIG It sucks. Snow sucks. It’s freezing cold; it’s wet; it gets everywhere. And, I don’t know about you, but I never see any “beautiful, white snow.” There are always wheel tracks, and footprints, and garbage in it—And, why does it have to be white to be beautiful anyway? What brown snow, black snow can’t be beautiful? THE AM ERICAN What about yellow snow? (The American giggles childishly to himself. Jig is not amused.) THE AM ERICAN What, so you don’t like making snowmen? JIG No, they melt the next day. Or at least look like shit for a few days, and then melt. THE AM ERICAN So if a little kid, I don’t know, your niece of nephew, asked you to make a snowman, you wouldn’t do it?
11.
JIG No, it’s a waste of a time. I could spend that time helping people, helping people that are actually in need, not building some stupid snowma—And why does it have to be a snowman? Why can’t it just be a fucking snowperson. THE AM ERICAN Okay, fine, fine, forget all those things. What about the mythology behind Christmas? That was always my favorite part as a kid. JIG You were a kid. THE AM ERICAN So what? You don’t like San— JIG —Don’t you even say his name. THE AM ERICAN What? Santa? Why? JIG ‘Cus he’s a slave master. Who makes all his toys? Elves. In sweatshops too probably. I mean, think about it; they’re supposed to be making toys for every kid in the world. That’s an unimaginable about of work. Probably work 16 hours a day, 7 days a week. And they have no hope, no chance of anything better. They’ll always be stuck in the North Pole, making toys ‘til they die. THE AM ERICAN Well that’s kind of a grim take on Santa Claus... JIG As it should be. Santa Claus is a cultural cancer. Represents everything that’s wrong with this society. Fucker sits around all year long, eating cookie, drinking cider, getting fat, while his slaves toil away. Then he works one night a year, gets credit for all the toys he didn’t make, eats a few metric tons of cookies and milk, and people all over the the world worship him for his benevolence. Just another great patriarch to look up to, whoohoo; save the day, bring us all toys, oh yeah. And, you know, that’s just what we need: another patriarch.
12.
THE AM ERICAN Well what about M rs. Claus? JIG Exactly: what about her? Think about it; what the hell does M rs. Claus do? She makes him cookies. Cooks, for her Goddamn husband. THE AM ERICAN It’s actually baking, not cooking. (Jig looks at the American, eyes bulging, mouth agape; she turns for a moment to look at the AUDIENCE in disbelief, and then turns back.) THE AM ERICAN And, honestly, I never even knew what she did anyway. JIG Exactly! Patriarchy. Why isn’t M rs. Claus important? She obviously feeds the bastard. Why doesn’t she get any credit, huh? ‘Cus she’s a woman. And, ho-ho-ho, Santa Claus, the big patriarch is gonna come and please little children all over the world. Beat. THE AM ERICAN I don’t think you could’ve phrased that statement any worse. JIG Actually, haha, yeah, you’re right, my bad. (The two chuckle for a moment.) JIG (firmly) The point still stands though. (The American stares back for a moment, trying to read her.) Beat.
13.
THE AM ERICAN Wow... You really don’t like Christmas, do you? JIG Yeah, Christmas blows. THE AM ERICAN (shocked, as if personally offended) How can you say that though? JIG Umm, I just gave you like ten reasons. THE AM ERICAN Yeah, but... but those are just... those are, those you being a being a pessimist, Negative Nancy! JIG No, I’m being a realist. And, what, when someone’s negative they’re a “Nancy”? What, can’t Sid be negative too? I mean, that guy’s a fucking knife murderer. THE AM ERICAN What are you talking about? JIG Can you just go away. I’m trying to let brain rot here, like the rest of this country. I’m (melodramatically, motioning toward the television set) “participating in culture.” (The American, somewhat puzzled, looks back and forth between Jig and the TV.) THE AM ERICAN This is culture? JIG That’s what they call it. Beat.
14.
(The American watches in silence.) THE AM ERICAN Well, when it comes back to my original point, I guess I can’t really top any of those things... I was just gonna complain about white elephants. JIG I’ve never seen one. Heard they look like hills though. THE AM ERICAN What? No, I’m talking those stupid white elephant parties. Where you bring— JIG (wholly uninterested) —Oh yeah, your stupid junk that you don’t want anymore, and give it to someone else. I know those. THE AM ERICAN Yeah, they’re horrible; I never know what to bring! (oddly excited) One time, I brought one of my old teeth that fell out when I was a kid. (sudden depression) But no one really— JIG —Wait a second, you gave someone one of your old teeth? THE AM ERICAN I mean, the gifts are supposed to be weird, aren’t they? JIG Yeah, but not that kind of weird! THE AM ERICAN (scoffing) It made sense at the time. JIG So did phrenology. And trickle-down. Actually, never mind, that never made sense—But, teeth?
15.
THE AM ERICAN (awkwardly) Well, it’s better than what my other idea was. (He shrugs and flexes his neck muscles in a kind of embarrassed, disgusted sock. Another ad can be heard on the television; a Santa can be heard enthusiastically “ho-hoing.”) Beat. THE AM ERICAN Well, you know, you’ve really changed the way I see Christmas now. JIG Good. (The mood in the room suddenly darkens.) THE AM ERICAN (with weight) Jig, I used to really like Christmas. Beat. (Jig, taken aback, watches the American for a moment, unsure of how to respond.) JIG (heavy) Sometimes we have to unlearn the things we’ve learned, been taught, to love. And do. (The American stares back for a moment, before suddenly turning his head away. Jig, watching for a moment, stands up and LEAVES the stage, while the American sits in quiet, thinking. Presently, she returns with a drink.) JIG Do you feel better?
16.
THE AM ERICAN I feel fine. There’s nothing wrong with me. I feel fine. (Jig looks back at the American for a moment, who evades her gaze. After a moment, she shrugs, takes a swig of her drink, and returns to the couch. She turns the channel.) CURTAIN