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Heide’s diary - Sunday 2/08/2010 Oh, so much to write, so little time! I don’t even know where to start. Maybe with the most recent..... on Friday I was dancing 5Rhythms and it was just so amazing and touching. Kiril has been there, the whole time. I had this feeling of very close presence of his energy, his self, I can’t even describe it. It felt as if he was interwoven with me, sometimes I felt him more, sometimes less, but he was always there, going through the emotions and movements of the dance with me. The dance was about directions. Flowing – the circles, going in circles, arms, body, hands, heads – each body part making small or large circling movements. Then staccato – the straight direction. Clear movements forward, sideways, backwards. Very intense, especially with Kiril being there. Then Chaos – giving up on directions. My big task, still a challenge – in dance and in life! For lyrical the corresponding direction is ‘freedom’. Freedom of direction, freedom in life. So beautiful, but I felt my 116
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boundaries and my being not quite there. Still struggling with giving up directions! And stillness – all energies flow inside, and the connection to spirit, self..... A dance that was very close to my life experiences right now! How good.
And during the dance, not only Kiril was there – Spirit started to talk with me again. A mystical night, pure magic. My Genies. Spirit said that he was never gone, that he always tried to talk with me but that I just didn’t listen. Now, two days later, I think I have made up all of this. But the memory is so clear, so real... We had a few interesting events happening during the last couple of weeks. The Genies are still having diarrhoea every now and then. The last time it was probably created by giving them too much heart. Or too much variety. Maybe too much fat? So we started feeding them only one sort of meat (and chicken necks) during two days... but on the second day, they didn’t want it any more. This happened with beef, then with chicken. After two days of chicken, they didn’t even want the chicken neck any more! We tried horse, but they didn’t like that at all, I threw it away after both of them threw up. And then, one day after work we came home and had six very clear brown spots on the carpet in front of the bathroom. One of 117
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them had diarrhoea and went in the shower, distributing it evenly everywhere. Oh, oh, oh. (I cleaned it all up, and now we’re having big light brown spots all over the carpet, hahaha! Need to find better solutions for this!) Then we tried veal, they dug into it for a day, and next morning – no way that they would eat it at all. Spirit actually had a few bites, but Kiril just put his nose up and stalked away. Then we tried pork.... same game. Last night we had venison – they dug in! This morning – they still dug in, I even mixed a few pieces of pork into the venison, coated it with the liquid, and they ate it too. Tonight I’ll start again with beef, will be interesting to see how they react to that. We have been talking a lot about their characters lately. Kiril shows quite a few of Tim’s characteristics, and Spirit mine. Kiril gulps everything down in an instance; Spirit eats slowly and chews thoroughly. Kiril has energy and keeps going and going and going. Spirit has short energy bursts and then sits down and watches the scene. But on the other hand, when it’s getting too loud, or too many people, Kiril goes out of the room, in his carry box or downstairs bedroom, where Spirit just withdraws a bit but stays in the room – whereas I would rather run away in that situation. Spirit always needs to know what’s going on. He races around and checks out everything. Very controlling. Kiril is getting sidetracked easily, just curious about everything. Again, just like Tim and me. Amazing. Oh, and a funny one – Kiril always cleans Spirit, licks him all over – but Spirit usually doesn’t clean Kiril. Tim is rather the one who is giving, serving, and I am the one who is taking, receiving. That fits again. And then certainly the sleeping thing – Kiril just drops somewhere 118
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and falls asleep. Spirit mucks around, walks here and there, lies down and gets up again, lies down and moves around – very much like I do! And Spirit still pushes his nose into my face, my neck, and now into my hand. Both cats sleep somewhere in front of my head and tummy in the night. Which is very beautiful in a way – but also extremely disturbing for me, having such a light sleep anyway. Several nights I have already asked Tim to take them out – and each time my heart bleeds. Last night it worked quite well. First we had night lights installed at their eating place and in both bathrooms. LED lights – and they freaked The Genies out! Normally, when we go to bed, they just follow us, then race around in the downstairs hallway and our bedroom, and finally – when we stop talking and I turn my back to Tim, they come to our bed and cuddle themselves in. My side, certainly! Not so last night, they just didn’t come down, but they meowed a lot. So I went upstairs again. They sat in front of the fridge, far away from their food and further away from the stairs, and didn’t move, looking very scared. So I switched off the night light and switched of the light from the room where they are eating and all was back to normal – they jumped up the table, had some food and then came down with me. Amazing. I wonder if it is the light or if they can hear some frequencies? 119
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We’ll have to try again to see if they are getting used to it, or if we need other lights. Then in bed, they couldn’t get to sleep, were getting up listening to something. First I thought it was the storm, but we had storm before and I can’t recall that they were unsettled because of that. Then I thought that it might be my little electrical blanket, which I had switched on because my feet were so cold. So I switched it off – and five minutes later they were cuddled in and started falling asleep. By that time it was midnight already... They wouldn’t have got the warmth of the electric blanket, as it’s only of pillow size and was down at my feet. So maybe they are feeling/hearing the electricity/frequencies. Hmmmm, I will have to research that. We all slept till just before 4am, and then it went back to being very unsettled for an hour, Spirit walking back and forth, over my head, and forth and back again... playing his nose game and so on.
Spirit: Come on Mora, you wanted to be playful! Now is the time to do that! After a little while I decided that I had planned to be more playful, so I allowed myself to enjoy and play with him, instead of getting all upset, worrying about me being tired.... and I really enjoyed myself! At ten to five Spirit settled and fell asleep – just to have Kiril getting up and doing the same game! Only for about 20 minutes so, and then he fell asleep. But – then Tim had to get up to see the bathroom, and both of them 121
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woke up again. Oh no! Finally after 6am they decided they had to go out and play, and I had my cuddle with Tim and fell asleep again. All good.
Spirit: Good girl, you’ve got it. And just during the last few days, things are changing:
Spirit is cleaning Kiril as much as Kiril is cleaning Spirit...
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Kiril started pushing his head into my hand, and face during the night and during the day. And he is more and more cuddly, how wonderful! Ha, and the cutest: Kiril snores a little bit when he sleeps – like Tim does. Spirit doesn’t snore.....
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I am realising that I seem to be swaying from side to side. Sometimes I am so unsettled, not knowing what to do, how to change my life – do I have to change it at all? Why?
Spirit: You want to let go of all of these things Mora. What do you have to do your thinking all the time? Just listen to me, or listen to yourself – that’s pretty much the same anyway. Certainly you don’t have to change anything – but that would be so boring.
solute orderliness,. But how to let go of the feeling that I need my work, that we really need the money. My work isn’t bad, but not close to my heart either... How to let go of the idea that my body should be functioning better, less pain, especially when dancing. How to?
And then, all seems to be in balance and stable – till I start thinking again, thinking that I am stuck, that I should throw my work and do something that’s more meaningful. Letting go, letting go of everything. That’s something else that Spirit keeps telling me. Being more playful. Not taking things so seriously. Stop thinking. Stop controlling everything and everybody. All these good advices. So hard to follow.
Spirit: Hey! You’re starting to listen! Oh Mora, you’re really back. I’m glad. I can see that I have let go of many things already. The food regime, the ‘have to read’, the supplements, the ab-
The Genies give me a lot of insight. Playing, eating, sleeping, enjoying each other – what else is important? Enjoying, being in the moment. Being determined, no compromise. 126
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They live all the attributes that I admire so much, that I strive to achieve. And they don’t have anything to “do” – they just are. They love unconditionally – they don’t care if I added or lost another 10 kg, if I wear clothes that suit me or not, if I look my age or older or younger. They don’t care what other people think about me, they don’t worry about tomorrow or about yesterday. They can even lick their bums without thinking that it’s disgusting! How can I be like them, just a bit, just a little bit?
Kiril thinks I am too strict with you. But you must admit that you’re not making our lives easy. I am hearing Spirit again, this is so wonderful. More quietness in my life, that’s all I need. Sitting down quietly – maybe that’s why The Genies so often just sit and look at something. I wonder what’s going through their head. Spirit also says that Tim and the kids can hear him – I never thought of that. But I don’t hear Kiril, I wonder if they do.
Spirit: Bye for now, I need a nap. Talking with a Spirit: Oh Mora. You’re so cute. It’s all not correct what you’re thinking about us, but it’s human really takes it out of me! nice of you to think so! They certainly make me think a lot about my life, my priorities. This work of mine, requiring so many hours, requiring such a lot of attention. And I know – it’s not my work that requires the hours or the attention – it is my attitude towards my work. Letting go. I just started hearing him talk to me again - Spirit, that is. And my mind says that I am making this up. But I know what I know, and I am not making this up!
Spirit: No you are not making it up, Mora, and you know so. And Roh, Trouj and Breena can hear me as well, but they are not talking about that – this thinking thing again! Well, at the moment I have to concentrate on you, you need the most help of all of them. 128
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